Last updated on September 2nd, 2024 at 11:16 am
- 1. They Contact You Out of the Blue After a Long Silence
- 2. They Shower You With Flattery and Compliments
- 3. They Promise to Change and Meet Your Needs
- 4. They Ignore or Downplay Past Abuse
- 5. They Blame Others for Relationship Problems
- 6. They Use Guilt Trips to Manipulate You
- 7. They Proposition Sex to Rekindle Intimacy
- 8. They Love Bomb You With Attention and Affection
- 9. They Claim to Have Made Positive Changes
- 10. They Question Why You Ended the Relationship
- 11. They Compare Your Relationship Favorably to Others
- 12. They Express Deep Regret and Want to Work Things Out
- 13. They Test Your Boundaries With Subtle Probing
- 14. They Gaslight You About Past Events
- 15. They Insist People Deserve Second Chances
- 16. They Try to Make You Jealous
- 17. They Threaten Self-Harm If Rejected
- 18. They Become Angry or Punishing When Hoovering Fails
- Breaking Free from the Hoovering Cycle
- The Emotional Toll of Narcissistic Hoovering
- Why Narcissists Hoover: Understanding Their Motivation
- Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Journey of Self-Discovery
- A Final Word of Encouragement
Have you finally broken free from a toxic relationship with a narcissist? First of all, congrats! That took a lot of strength and courage. But don’t let your guard down just yet. Narcissists hate losing control over their victims. There’s a good chance they’ll try to suck you back in using a tactic called “hoovering.”
Hoovering is when a narcissist tries to re-engage with you after a breakup or period of no contact. Like a vacuum cleaner, they want to suck you back into their toxic world. They’ll use every trick they know to manipulate your emotions and regain control.
In this post, we’ll explore 18 common signs that a narcissist is trying to hoover you. Knowing these tactics can help you stay strong and resist getting pulled back into an abusive cycle. Let’s dive in!
1. They Contact You Out of the Blue After a Long Silence
One day, your phone buzzes with a text from your narcissistic ex. It’s been months since you last spoke. They act like no time has passed and want to meet up. This sudden contact after a long silence is a classic hoovering move.
The narcissist hopes enough time has passed that you’ve forgotten the pain they caused. They want to catch you off guard and reopen old wounds. Their sweet words are empty – they just want to regain power over you.
“Hate is the complement of fear and narcissists like being feared. It imbues them with an intoxicating sensation of omnipotence.”
― Sam Vaknin
Instead of replying, remind yourself why you left. Remember the signs of narcissistic abuse and how much better off you are now. You deserve real love and respect, not manipulation.
2. They Shower You With Flattery and Compliments
Narcissists know how to turn on the charm when they want something. If they’re trying to hoover you, get ready for a flood of flattery and compliments. They’ll tell you how amazing you look, how smart and talented you are, how no one compares to you.
At first, it might feel great to hear such kind words. But don’t be fooled – this over-the-top praise isn’t genuine. The narcissist is buttering you up to get what they want. Maybe they need a favor, money, or just want to worm their way back into your life.
Their compliments are empty and insincere. Once they have you where they want you, the criticism and put-downs will start again. It’s all part of their manipulative playbook.
3. They Promise to Change and Meet Your Needs
The narcissist swears up and down that they’ve changed. They say they’re ready to really commit this time. They miss you so much and now see how important you are. All those times they hurt you? They didn’t mean it – they just couldn’t express their feelings before.
This is one of the narcissist’s most effective hoovering tricks. They know how badly you wanted the relationship to work. You want to believe they’re finally willing to meet your needs. But sadly, their promises are empty.
As soon as they’ve hooked you back in, their commitment will fade. They’ll go right back to their selfish, abusive ways. Narcissists lack the ability for real change or empathy. Their toxic patterns always repeat.
4. They Ignore or Downplay Past Abuse
A major red flag is when the narcissist acts like their past abuse never happened. They might say things weren’t “that bad” or claim you’re exaggerating. This is gaslighting – they want you to doubt your own memories and feelings.
Some ways they might minimize the abuse:
- Denying it outright: “I never did that! You’re making things up.”
- Blaming you: “Well if you hadn’t provoked me, I wouldn’t have gotten so angry.”
- Rewriting history: They spin tales of what “really happened” to paint themselves as the victim.
- Using charm: They shower you with affection to make you forget their cruelty.
Don’t let them twist the facts. Trust your own experiences. The abuse was real, and you didn’t deserve it. The narcissist wants you to forget so they can hurt you again. Stay strong and keep your guard up.
“For the most part people are not curious except about themselves.”
― John Steinbeck
5. They Blame Others for Relationship Problems
In the narcissist’s mind, they’re never at fault. They’ll blame you, friends, family, or circumstances for any problems in your relationship. This refusal to take responsibility is a huge red flag.
Some ways they might shift blame:
- “You made me yell at you by provoking me.”
- “My boss is holding me back from success.”
- “If you had been more attentive, I wouldn’t have cheated.”
- “It’s not my fault – I had a rough childhood.”
The truth is, the narcissist alone is responsible for their behavior. Their actions are a choice, not something forced on them by others. Don’t let them make you feel at fault for their poor conduct.
6. They Use Guilt Trips to Manipulate You
Guilt trips are a favorite weapon in the narcissist’s arsenal. They’ll try to make you feel bad for ending the relationship or setting boundaries. Some common guilt-tripping tactics:
- “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?”
- “I can’t live without you. I’ll be all alone.”
- “If you really loved me, you’d give me another chance.”
- “You’re abandoning me just like everyone else.”
Don’t fall for these manipulative guilt trips. You don’t owe the narcissist anything, especially after how they treated you. You’re not responsible for their happiness or emotions.
Remember – you have every right to leave a toxic relationship. Putting yourself first isn’t selfish. You deserve to be happy and surround yourself with people who truly care about you.
7. They Proposition Sex to Rekindle Intimacy
When narcissists feel like they’re losing control, they often use sex as a way to hoover you back in. They know physical intimacy can stir up old feelings and make you let your guard down.
Some ways they might proposition you:
- Sending unsolicited sexts or racy photos
- Suggesting a “friends with benefits” situation
- Using seductive charm to get what they want
- Preying on your loneliness or unmet needs
Their goal is to break down your boundaries and pull you back into their web. Stay strong and maintain no contact. You deserve someone who values you as a whole person, not just for sex.
8. They Love Bomb You With Attention and Affection
Love bombing is when the narcissist showers you with excessive affection and attention. They make you feel like the center of their world. You’re left wondering how you ever lived without them.
“I think writers are the most narcissistic people. Well, I musn’t say this, I like many of them, a great many of my friends are writers.”
― Sylvia Plath
Some love bombing tactics:
- Constant calls, texts, and messages professing their love
- Lavish gifts and extravagant dates
- Talk of a future together and making big commitments
- Over-the-top physical affection and intimacy
This intensity feels amazing at first. But it’s not real love – it’s manipulation. The narcissist is trying to overwhelm your senses and cloud your judgment. They want you to let your guard down so they can slither back in.
Don’t be fooled by the charm and empty flattery. The narcissist hasn’t changed – they’re still the same self-centered person you left. As soon as they have you hooked again, the criticism and abuse will return.
9. They Claim to Have Made Positive Changes
The narcissist may talk about big changes they’ve supposedly made to prove they’re a better person now. Some common claims:
- “I’ve been going to therapy.”
- “I’ve quit drinking/doing drugs.”
- “I’ve found religion/spirituality.”
- “I’ve done a lot of self-reflection and growth.”
While personal growth is great, be very skeptical of these claims. Real change takes serious time and effort. The narcissist is likely just saying what you want to hear to reel you back in.
Even if they have made some surface-level changes, their core narcissistic traits remain. True transformation is extremely rare for narcissists. They lack the self-awareness and empathy needed for deep change.
10. They Question Why You Ended the Relationship
The narcissist will try to make you doubt your reasons for leaving. They want you to feel like you made a mistake. They might say things like:
- “We had something special. Why did you throw it away?”
- “I don’t understand what went wrong. We were so good together.”
- “Are you sure breaking up was the right choice? We could have worked it out.”
Don’t let them plant seeds of doubt in your mind. You ended the relationship for very good reasons – their emotional abuse, lack of empathy, and constant need for control.
“Stay away from lazy parasites, who perch on you just to satisfy their needs, they do not come to alleviate your burdens, hence, their mission is to distract, detract and extract, and make you live in abject poverty.”
― Michael Bassey Johnson
You deserve so much better than their mind games and manipulation. Stand firm in your resolve to move on. Keep looking ahead to the happy, healthy future waiting for you.
11. They Compare Your Relationship Favorably to Others
To hoover you, the narcissist might compare your past relationship to their current ones. They’ll say things like:
- “We had something really special, unlike anything else.”
- “No one understands me like you do.”
- “My new partner could never measure up to you.”
12. They Express Deep Regret and Want to Work Things Out
The narcissist might claim to deeply regret how things ended. They say they want to make things right and get your relationship back on track. Don’t fall for it.
This is manipulation to suck you back into the abuse cycle. The narcissist isn’t truly sorry for hurting you. They just want to regain control and the benefits you provide.
“Half of the people lie with their lips; the other half with their tears”
― Nassim Nicholas Taleb
You deserve better. Stay strong by keeping no contact and moving forward without them. The narcissist had their chance and blew it. This isn’t someone you want long-term.
13. They Test Your Boundaries With Subtle Probing
The narcissist may test your boundaries in sneaky ways. They want to see if they still have control over your feelings. They might casually bring up emotional topics to gauge your reaction.
“The sadistic narcissist perceives himself as Godlike, ruthless and devoid of scruples, capricious and unfathomable, emotion-less and non-sexual, omniscient, omnipotent and omni-present, a plague, a devastation, an inescapable verdict.”
― Sam Vaknin
Stay calm and detached. Don’t show anger, sadness, or longing. Give short, neutral responses without explaining yourself. Your lack of reaction will frustrate them.
14. They Gaslight You About Past Events
Gaslighting is when someone makes you question your own memories and perceptions. The narcissist may try to rewrite history to make you doubt yourself. They might say:
- “That never happened. You’re remembering wrong.”
- “I never said that. You must have misunderstood.”
- “You’re too sensitive. It wasn’t that bad.”
Don’t let them distort reality. Trust your own mind and experiences. The abuse was real, no matter how much they try to deny it.
15. They Insist People Deserve Second Chances
The narcissist may claim that everyone deserves forgiveness and second chances. They’ll insist you should let them prove themselves again. Don’t fall for it.
Narcissists rarely change their core behaviors or thinking. They see nothing wrong with how they treat people. Any forgiveness you offer will be seen as weakness.
Their talk of “second chances” only applies to themselves. They don’t extend the same courtesy to others. Their history shows a clear pattern of abuse and disregard for your wellbeing.
You don’t owe them anything. Choosing yourself isn’t selfish. You deserve relationships built on mutual respect, not manipulation. Stay strong in your choice to move on.
“I don’t care what you think unless it is about me.”
― Kurt Cobain
16. They Try to Make You Jealous
Once the narcissist loses control over you, they may try to make you jealous to suck you back in. They might casually mention:
- They’re dating someone new
- An attractive friend or ex is pursuing them
- How much fun they’re having being single
Focus on your own healing and growth. Surround yourself with kind, supportive people. Don’t give the narcissist the satisfaction of knowing they got under your skin. Your happiness and peace are the best revenge. Their attempts to make you jealous will seem more pathetic over time.
17. They Threaten Self-Harm If Rejected
In a desperate bid for attention, the narcissist might threaten to hurt themselves if you don’t take them back. This is emotional blackmail, pure and simple. They’re preying on your empathy to manipulate you.
“Nice people don’t necessarily fall in love with nice people.”
― Jonathan Franzen, Freedom
The narcissist may say things like:
- “I can’t live without you. I’ll kill myself if you leave.”
- “You’re the only thing keeping me going. I’ll fall apart without you.”
- “If you really cared, you wouldn’t let me suffer like this.”
Don’t fall for these threats. You are not responsible for the narcissist’s mental health or actions. Threatening self-harm is abusive behavior meant to control you.
18. They Become Angry or Punishing When Hoovering Fails
When a narcissist’s hoovering attempts don’t work, their true colors often show. They may lash out in anger or try to punish you for resisting their manipulation. This can take several forms:
Blaming and Shaming
The narcissist will try to make you feel guilty for not giving in. They might say:
- “This is all your fault. You made me do this!”
- “Look what you’ve turned me into. I’m like this because of you!”
- “You’re so selfish. After everything I’ve done for you!”
Don’t fall for their blame game. You are not responsible for the narcissist’s actions or emotions. Their anger comes from selfishness, not because of anything you did.
Punishing Behavior
To regain control, the narcissist may resort to punishing you. This could include:
- Emotional outbursts and verbal attacks
- Giving you the silent treatment
- Spreading rumors or revealing private information
- Threats or even physical aggression
Do not engage with their punishing behavior. Remain detached from their manipulation and set clear boundaries. You do not deserve to be treated this way. The healthiest option is to avoid contact whenever possible.
Breaking Free from the Hoovering Cycle
Now that you can recognize the signs of narcissistic hoovering, how do you break free for good? Here are some tips to stay strong:
- Maintain strict no contact. Block the narcissist on all platforms. Don’t respond to any attempts at communication.
- Remind yourself why you left. Make a list of all the ways they hurt and mistreated you. Read it when you feel weak.
- Build a support network. Surround yourself with friends and family who validate your experiences and support your healing.
- Focus on self-care. Prioritize your physical and mental health. Do things that bring you joy and peace.
- Work with a therapist. A professional can help you process trauma and develop coping strategies.
- Learn about narcissistic abuse. The more you understand their tactics, the easier they are to resist.
- Practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself as you heal. Recovery takes time.
- Reclaim your identity. Rediscover your passions and sense of self outside the narcissist.
- Set firm boundaries. Learn to say no and stick to your limits with everyone in your life.
- Envision a better future. Focus on the happy, healthy life waiting for you on the other side of healing.
Breaking free from narcissistic abuse is challenging, but you have the strength within you. Each time you resist their hoovering attempts, you grow stronger. Trust yourself and keep moving forward.
The Emotional Toll of Narcissistic Hoovering
Dealing with a narcissist’s hoovering attempts can take a huge toll on your emotions. You might feel:
- Confused and unsure of yourself
- Guilty for setting boundaries
- Angry at their manipulation
- Sad about the loss of the relationship
- Anxious about future contact
- Tempted to give in, despite knowing better
These feelings are normal and valid. Narcissistic abuse messes with your head in profound ways. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this challenging time.
Remember that your emotions will fluctuate. Some days you’ll feel strong and empowered. Other days the pain and doubt might feel overwhelming. This rollercoaster is part of the healing process.
What matters most is that you keep choosing yourself, even when it’s hard. Each time you resist the narcissist’s hoovering, you reclaim a piece of your power. You’re breaking free from their control and building a better life for yourself.
Why Narcissists Hoover: Understanding Their Motivation
To effectively resist hoovering, it helps to understand why narcissists do it. Their motivation boils down to a few key factors:
1. Control and Power
Narcissists crave control over others. When you leave, they lose that control and it drives them crazy. Hoovering is an attempt to regain power over you and your emotions.
2. Narcissistic Supply
Narcissists need constant admiration and attention to feel good about themselves. They try to hoover you back as a source of “narcissistic supply” – someone to feed their ego.
3. Fear of Abandonment
Despite their bravado, many narcissists have a deep fear of being abandoned. Hoovering is a panicked attempt to avoid feeling rejected or alone.
4. Lack of Empathy
Narcissists can’t understand or care about the pain they’ve caused you. In their mind, if they want you back, you should come back – your feelings don’t factor in.
5. Entitlement
Narcissists feel entitled to have their needs met on demand. They believe they deserve endless chances, no matter how badly they’ve behaved.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Journey of Self-Discovery
Breaking free from narcissistic abuse and resisting hoovering is just the first step. True healing is a journey of rediscovering yourself and building a life free from toxic influences.
This process takes time and patience. Be gentle with yourself along the way. Some key aspects of healing include:
1. Processing Your Trauma
Work with a therapist to unpack the effects of the abuse. EMDR therapy can be especially helpful for processing trauma.
2. Rebuilding Self-Esteem
Narcissistic abuse erodes your sense of self-worth. Focus on reconnecting with your inherent value as a person.
3. Setting Healthy Boundaries
Learn to identify your limits and communicate them clearly. Practice saying no without guilt.
4. Rediscovering Your Passions
What did you love before the narcissist came into your life? Reconnect with old hobbies or find new ones that bring you joy.
5. Building Healthy Relationships
Surround yourself with supportive, empathetic people. Learn to recognize red flags early on.
6. Practicing Self-Care
Prioritize your physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing. You deserve to feel good and be cared for.
7. Educating Yourself
Learn about narcissistic personality disorder and abuse tactics. Knowledge is power in breaking the cycle.
8. Letting Go of Guilt and Shame
Remind yourself that the abuse wasn’t your fault. You didn’t deserve it, and you’re not responsible for the narcissist’s behavior.
9. Embracing Your Authentic Self
Rediscover who you are outside of the narcissist’s influence. Celebrate your unique qualities and dreams.
10. Finding Meaning in Your Experience
Many survivors find purpose in helping others or advocating for abuse awareness. Your pain can fuel positive change.
A Final Word of Encouragement
If you’re dealing with narcissistic hoovering, know that you’re not alone. Many others have walked this path and come out stronger on the other side. You have the power within you to break free and build a beautiful life for yourself.
Stay strong in the face of the narcissist’s manipulation tactics. Trust your instincts and hold firm to your boundaries. You deserve so much better than what they can offer.
Remember, their hoovering attempts are a sign of your strength, not weakness. The narcissist is desperate because they know they’re losing control over you. Each time you resist, you reclaim your power.
The road to healing may be long, but you don’t have to walk it alone. Reach out for support when you need it. Celebrate every small victory along the way. You’re building a new life free from abuse, and that’s something to be incredibly proud of.
You’ve got this. Keep moving forward, one day at a time. A bright future full of genuine love and respect is waiting for you on the other side of healing. Believe in yourself – you are stronger than you know.
