Last updated on May 1st, 2025 at 11:53 am
Covert narcissism is hard to notice, and understanding Covert Narcissist Behavior Examples can be crucial. It’s not like the loud, attention-seeking behavior you may think of with narcissism. Instead, it hides behind being sensitive or acting humble. You might feel confused or doubt yourself around someone exhibiting these traits. Does this sound familiar?
It’s important to spot these behaviors because they are sneaky and can harm relationships. Research shows covert narcissists care less about others (ρ=–0.23) and use quiet manipulation. Tools like the Maladaptive Covert Narcissism Scale have helped people notice these Covert Narcissist Behavior Examples 20% more often. These signs aren’t always clear, but once you know them, you can protect your feelings.
Let’s see how these behaviors show up in daily life.
Key Takeaways
Covert narcissism is sneaky and often looks like kindness.
They use the silent treatment to control and upset others.
Covert narcissists pretend to be victims to get sympathy.
They ignore your feelings, making you question your emotions.
They confuse you by lying and denying what they said.
They make you feel guilty to meet their changing demands.
Covert narcissists expect loyalty but don’t give it back.
Spotting these actions helps you stay emotionally strong.
1. The Silent Treatment As Psychological Control
The silent treatment might seem harmless, but it’s a strong way covert narcissists control others. It’s not just ignoring someone—it’s about making you feel bad and doubt yourself. Let’s look at how this works.
Blocking Communication And Pulling Away
Choosing Silence After Small Disagreements
Have you ever felt shut out after a small argument? Covert narcissists use silence to punish you for things they think you did wrong. This isn’t accidental—it’s planned. They might stop texting back or avoid looking at you, leaving you confused about what happened. This isn’t about fixing problems; it’s about making you feel less important and crave their approval.
Studies show silent treatment often comes from hurt feelings or frustration. For example:
A study of women aged 20-27 found they used silence with people they thought would always accept them.
Research on adult children showed parents using silent treatment hurt their kids’ self-esteem and relationships.
The emotional pain is real. Kip Williams, a researcher, found that being ignored activates the same brain areas as physical pain. It’s not just in your mind—it’s like a mental injury.
Refusing To Talk During Problem-Solving
Do they shut down when you try to fix an issue? Covert narcissists often refuse to talk, blocking any real conversation. You might hear things like, “I don’t want to discuss it,” or get total silence. This isn’t about needing time—it’s about keeping control.
By not talking, they leave you unsure of what’s wrong. You start guessing, which shifts attention away from their actions and onto yours. This keeps you off balance and lets them control the situation.
Passive-Aggressive Ways Of Communicating
Sighs, Eye-Rolls, And Dismissive Gestures
Sometimes, the silent treatment isn’t fully quiet. Covert narcissists may use actions like sighs, eye-rolls, or dismissive looks to show they’re upset. These gestures are small but send a clear message: “You’re not worth my time.”
This behavior often comes from their sensitivity to criticism. They avoid direct arguments but still show their frustration. Over time, these little actions can wear you down, leaving you emotionally tired and doubting yourself.
Confusing Messages That Keep You Guessing
Have you ever gotten a text or comment that made no sense? Covert narcissists are good at sending unclear messages that confuse you. For example, they might say, “I guess I’ll just do it myself,” leaving you unsure if they’re mad or offering help.
This creates confusion and makes you ask questions, putting the focus back on them. It’s a sneaky way to stay in control without starting a direct fight.
Research shows covert narcissists use passive-aggressive actions to protect their fragile self-esteem. They prefer indirect ways to get back at others, which can leave you feeling uneasy and unsure of your place.
Tip: If you notice these behaviors, trust your gut. You’re not imagining things—these actions are meant to make you doubt yourself.
2. Always Acting Like The Victim
Covert narcissists often pretend to be victims, and they’re very convincing. This isn’t just to get sympathy—it’s a way to control emotions and avoid blame. Let’s look closer.
Acting Misunderstood And Unappreciated
Saying Things That Sound Like Self-Pity
Have you heard someone say, “Nothing I do is right,” or “I guess I’m always the bad guy”? These aren’t just sad words—they’re tricks covert narcissists use to get your sympathy. By acting like they’re always suffering, they make you focus on their feelings instead of their actions.
This can make you feel guilty, even if you didn’t do anything wrong. You might try harder to comfort them or prove you care. But their goal isn’t to fix things—it’s to stay in control.
Sharing Over-The-Top Stories About Their Problems
Covert narcissists are great at telling stories about their struggles. They might talk about being treated unfairly or ignored, often making the story sound worse than it really is. For example, they could turn a small disagreement into a huge betrayal.
These stories aren’t just for venting—they’re meant to make you see them as victims. Once you feel bad for them, you might put their needs first, even if it hurts you. Over time, this creates an unfair relationship where they always come first.
Avoiding Blame By Acting Like A Victim
Blaming Others For Their Problems
When things go wrong, covert narcissists don’t take the blame. Instead, they blame other people or bad luck. They might say, “No one understands me,” or “I can’t succeed because life is unfair.”
This isn’t random—it’s a way to protect their self-esteem. By blaming others, they avoid admitting their own mistakes and keep you guessing.
Making You Feel Like The Bad Guy
If you call out their behavior, they might turn the tables. Suddenly, they act like you’re the one hurting them. For example, if you mention their rude comments, they might say, “I can’t believe you’d treat me like this after all I’ve been through.”
This trick does a few things. It takes attention off their actions, makes you doubt yourself, and plays on your kindness. Research shows this victim act can confuse you and make you question what’s real.
Note: If you see these patterns, trust your feelings. Covert narcissists are good at making you doubt yourself, but noticing these behaviors helps you protect your emotions.
3. How Covert Narcissists Ignore Your Feelings
Covert narcissists are skilled at making your emotions seem unimportant. They use sneaky ways to dismiss your feelings, leaving you unsure of yourself. Let’s see how they do this.
Ignoring Others’ Feelings
Calling Real Concerns “Overreactions”
Have you ever shared your worries and heard, “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not a big deal”? Covert narcissists say these things to stop you from talking about your feelings. This makes you think your emotions don’t matter. Over time, you might feel like your concerns aren’t worth sharing.
Studies show that ignoring emotions is harmful because it’s hard to notice. Narcissists do this to stay in control by making you doubt your feelings. This can leave you feeling confused and unsure, which is what they want.
Using Mocking Actions To Shut You Down
Sometimes, it’s not just words—it’s how they act. A covert narcissist might roll their eyes, smirk, or laugh sarcastically when you share your feelings. These actions tell you, “Your emotions are silly.” This behavior lowers your confidence and makes you afraid to speak up later.
From what I’ve seen, this creates a bad cycle. You stop sharing to avoid being mocked, giving the narcissist more control. It’s a quiet but powerful way to silence you.
Wanting Support Without Giving It
Unfair Emotional Expectations
Covert narcissists want you to always support them, but they won’t do the same for you. They’ll talk about their problems for hours but ignore yours. When you need help, they might say, “You’ll figure it out.” This unfairness leaves you feeling tired and unimportant.
For example, one person shared how her partner would complain about work stress but dismiss her worries quickly. This one-sided behavior is common with covert narcissists. They focus on their needs and ignore yours.
Showing Empathy Only When It Helps Them
Empathy should go both ways, but not with covert narcissists. They act caring when it benefits them, like in public. But in private, they stop showing empathy. This keeps you guessing and trying harder to please them.
Research shows covert narcissists act like victims to hide their lack of empathy. They make others feel sorry for them, shifting attention away from their selfishness. This creates constant tension, leaving you anxious and unsure of your place.
Tip: If you notice these signs, trust your feelings. Emotional invalidation can be hard to spot, but it’s real. Recognizing it helps you protect yourself.
4. Quiet Gaslighting Tactics
Gaslighting is a sneaky tool covert narcissists use. It’s not loud or obvious. Instead, it’s quiet and makes you doubt yourself. Let’s see how this happens.
Twisting Reality With Denial
Denying Words They Clearly Said
Have you ever reminded someone of their words, but they deny it? Covert narcissists are great at this. Even if you show proof, like a text, they’ll say, “I never said that.” This isn’t just annoying—it’s meant to confuse you.
They create a false reality where they’re always right, and you’re wrong.
This constant denial makes you lose trust in your memory. Over time, you might think you’re the one who’s wrong. That’s their goal—to keep you unsure and off balance.
Changing Past Events To Favor Themselves
Covert narcissists often rewrite history. They’ll change stories to make themselves look good or innocent. For example, if you say they hurt you, they might reply, “That’s not what happened. You’re remembering it wrong.”
Gaslighting works quietly, making the victim question their reality.
This isn’t just about winning arguments. It’s about controlling the story. By changing events, they shift attention from their actions to your “bad” memory.
Making You Doubt Yourself
Questioning Your Version Of Events
Covert narcissists like to challenge your memories. They’ll ask things like, “Are you sure that’s true?” or “Don’t you think you’re overreacting?” These questions seem harmless but are meant to confuse you.
Gaslighters create doubt, breaking confidence and causing emotional stress.
This constant questioning makes you unsure of your experiences. You might start depending on them to tell you what’s real, giving them more control.
Using Others To Back Them Up
Another trick is involving other people. They might say, “Even they agree with me,” or “Everyone thinks you’re wrong.” This is called triangulation. It isolates you and makes their story seem true.
Hearing that others “agree” can make you feel alone, even if it’s not real. It’s a clever way to make you feel like the problem while they stay blameless.
Tip: If you notice these actions, trust yourself. You’re not imagining things. These tactics are meant to confuse you.
5. Guilt Manipulation Tactics
Covert narcissists are experts at using guilt to control others. They don’t shout or demand directly. Instead, they quietly make you feel like you’re not doing enough or that you owe them something. Let’s explore how they do this.
Making You Feel Bad For Not Meeting Their Standards
Changing Expectations Constantly
Do you feel like nothing you do is ever enough? Covert narcissists often change their expectations. You might meet one request, but then they say, “You should’ve done more.” This constant change makes you feel like you’re failing, even when you’re trying hard.
Here’s how this works:
What They Do | How It Affects You |
|---|---|
Make you feel ashamed | Lowers your confidence and makes you seek their approval. |
Question your abilities subtly | Makes you rely on them for validation. |
They keep you guessing so you’ll always try harder to please them. But they never plan to give you the approval you’re seeking.
Comparing You To Others
Another trick is comparing you to other people. They might say, “Why can’t you be like [insert name]?” or “Others do so much more than you.” These comments aren’t meant to help—they’re meant to make you feel bad.
This plays on your insecurities. You start doubting yourself and wondering if you’re good enough. Over time, this can hurt your confidence and make you work harder to win their approval.
Tip: If you notice this, remind yourself their standards are unfair. The problem isn’t you—it’s them.
Using Past Favors To Make You Feel Obligated
Keeping Track Of What They’ve Done
Covert narcissists love to remind you of favors they’ve done. They might say, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” This isn’t about being thankful—it’s about controlling you.
Here’s what’s really happening:
You feel like you have to repay them, even if they don’t ask directly.
If you don’t, they make you feel guilty or ungrateful.
This invisible list of favors becomes a way to control you. You end up feeling like you owe them, even when you don’t.
Giving Gifts With Hidden Motives
Gifts from covert narcissists often come with strings attached. They don’t give to be kind—they give to make you feel obligated.
What They Do | Why They Do It |
|---|---|
They expect something in return later. | |
Keep track of favors | They use these as leverage to make demands. |
Create emotional pressure | Gifts make you feel guilty if you say no to them. |
For example, they might bring up a gift from months ago, saying, “I did that for you, so why can’t you do this for me?” This traps you in a cycle of guilt and compliance.
Note: Gifts should make you happy, not stressed. If someone’s generosity feels like a trap, it’s a warning sign.
6. Double Standard Implementation
Covert narcissists create unfair rules in relationships. They expect you to follow their rules but break them themselves. These double standards can make you feel upset and unsure about your boundaries. Let’s look closer.
Unfair Rules In Relationships
Wanting Loyalty Without Giving It Back
Have they ever said, “You should always support me,” but don’t do the same for you? Covert narcissists want you to always defend and excuse them. Yet, when you need their loyalty, they disappear.
For example, they might embarrass you in public or share your secrets. But if you mention their flaws, they’ll say you’re being disloyal. This one-sided loyalty is not fair and leaves you feeling drained.
Demanding Privacy While Ignoring Yours
Covert narcissists often demand privacy. They might say, “That’s my personal business,” or “Don’t invade my space.” But they don’t respect your boundaries.
They might check your phone, ask nosy questions, or tell others your secrets. This creates an imbalance. You feel exposed while they protect their own privacy.
Tip: Healthy relationships respect both people’s boundaries equally.
Confusing Expectations
Criticizing Others For Traits They Have
Covert narcissists often complain about traits they also have. For example, they might call someone “selfish” while always putting themselves first. Or they’ll say someone is “lazy” while avoiding their own responsibilities.
This isn’t by accident. It’s a way to avoid blame. By pointing out others’ flaws, they hide their own mistakes.
Different Rules For Mistakes
When they mess up, covert narcissists make excuses. They might blame stress, bad luck, or even you. But if you make a mistake, they’ll act like it’s a big deal.
This double standard makes you feel like you can’t make any errors. You try hard to avoid mistakes, but they never take responsibility for theirs.
Here’s how these contradictions show up:
Description | |
|---|---|
Vulnerability | They seem modest but feel deep shame inside. |
Envy | They admire successful people but secretly dislike them. |
Public vs. Private Persona | They act humble in public but dream of being superior in private. |
Fear of Exposure | They avoid seeking praise because they fear embarrassment. |
Sensitivity to Criticism | They react strongly to criticism, showing their weak self-esteem. |
Relentless Search for Glory | They push their dreams onto others, like their kids. |
7. Hidden Insults And Quiet Put-Downs
Covert narcissists are skilled at hiding insults in compliments. Their words might seem nice at first, but they often have a hidden sting. These sneaky remarks can slowly hurt your confidence without you noticing.
Compliments That Secretly Hurt
Praise With A Hidden Comparison
Have you ever heard, “You look good today—better than usual”? It sounds like a compliment, but there’s a hidden insult. Covert narcissists use these comments to make you doubt yourself. They want you to feel thankful for the “kind” words while secretly feeling unsure.
Here’s how this works:
Strategy | What It Does |
|---|---|
Hidden Insults | Words seem kind but secretly lower your self-esteem. |
Double Meanings | Comments sound positive but carry a critical undertone. |
Creating Doubt | Makes you question yourself, giving them more control. |
These remarks aren’t random. They’re planned to make you feel less confident. You might try harder to earn their approval, but their praise always has a downside.
“Helpful” Advice That Lowers Confidence
Covert narcissists often hide criticism as advice. They might say, “I’m just trying to help,” but their words leave you feeling bad. For example, they could say, “That’s a good idea, but I don’t think you’re ready for it.” It sounds supportive, but it’s meant to make you doubt yourself.
This isn’t real help—it’s a way to keep you needing their approval. Over time, you might believe their words and stop trying, even when you’re capable.
Tip: If someone’s advice or compliments make you feel worse, trust your feelings. Real support makes you feel stronger, not weaker.
Acting Different In Public And Private
Being Nice In Public But Critical In Private
In public, covert narcissists often act kind and supportive. They might say, “I’m so proud of my talented friend.” But in private, they criticize the same things they praised. This can leave you feeling confused and hurt.
This behavior has a purpose. Acting nice in public protects their image. In private, their criticism keeps you unsure and off balance.
Covert narcissists use friendly public behavior to hide their true intentions.
They seek admiration in public but use private moments for manipulation.
This creates confusion, making it hard for victims to understand what’s real.
Controlling Stories To Protect Their Image
Covert narcissists are careful about what they share with others. They might tell friends about a “small disagreement” between you two, making themselves look reasonable. But they leave out how they ignored your feelings or twisted the situation.
This isn’t by accident. It’s a way to make others doubt your side of the story. You might feel isolated, like no one believes you, which gives them more power.
They use vague words and passive-aggressive comments to avoid blame.
Social media helps them time messages to create emotional confusion.
Note: If it feels like you’re living two lives—one public and one private—you’re not imagining it. This is a common tactic used by covert narcissists to stay in control.
Conclusion
Understanding covert narcissist behavior examples can seem tough at first. But knowing about them helps you protect yourself. These actions—silent treatment, acting like a victim, ignoring feelings, gaslighting, using guilt, unfair rules, and sneaky insults—are quiet but harmful.
Learning about these tricks lets you set limits and stop excusing bad behavior. You can’t change how someone acts, but you can take care of your emotions. Talk to trusted friends or professionals if you need help. You deserve kindness and respect in all relationships.
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Frequently Asked Questions
How is covert narcissism different from overt narcissism?
Covert narcissism hides behind being humble and sensitive. Unlike overt narcissists, who openly want attention, covert narcissists use quiet manipulation. They rely on guilt and passive-aggressive actions. Research by Cain et al. (2008) shows they have low self-esteem and avoid direct conflict.
Can covert narcissists change how they act?
Change is rare but possible. Therapy can help if they admit their behavior, which is uncommon. From my experience, most covert narcissists avoid self-reflection. Dr. Craig Malkin, a narcissism expert, suggests empathy training might help them improve.
How can you protect yourself from covert narcissists?
Set clear boundaries and trust your feelings. Don’t fall for their manipulative tricks. Focus on taking care of your emotions. Studies show being assertive can reduce the effects of narcissistic behavior. Get support from friends or therapists when needed.
Do covert narcissists know what they’re doing?
Some know but excuse their actions as self-defense. Others don’t fully understand their manipulation. Research by Miller et al. (2011) shows covert narcissists often justify their actions to protect their fragile self-esteem.
Why do covert narcissists act like victims?
They pretend to be victims to get sympathy and avoid blame. This shifts attention away from their actions. Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains that covert narcissists use empathy to stay in control of relationships.
Can covert narcissism affect families?
Yes, it can cause problems in families. Covert narcissists may play favorites or quietly undermine others. Their subtle manipulation can harm trust and communication. Studies show this behavior often creates tension in family relationships.
Is covert narcissism connected to mental health problems?
Yes, it often comes with anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem. Research by Pincus et al. (2009) found covert narcissists feel inadequate, which leads to their manipulative actions.
How can therapy help someone dealing with a covert narcissist?
Therapy teaches you to spot manipulation and build strength. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you handle stress and set limits. In my practice, clients feel better when they learn to focus on their own needs.