You might think about the weird things covert narcissists do. Studies show that between 0.8% and 6.2% of people have narcissistic traits, and almost half of these individuals are covert narcissists. Here are some main differences:
Type of Narcissism | Characteristics | Behavior |
|---|---|---|
Shy, introverted, self-deprecating | Subtle manipulation, insecurity | |
Overt Narcissism | Outgoing, attention-seeking | Openly superior, demands praise |
Covert narcissists often hide their need for attention, which leads to some weird things covert narcissists do. They act quiet and keep their feelings secret. You might see their behavior in daily life, so watch for these signs in your own experiences.
Key Takeaways
Covert narcissists act like victims to get sympathy and control. Notice this so you can protect your feelings.
They make your achievements seem small to lower your confidence. Be proud of your wins, no matter what they say.
Backhanded compliments can hurt your self-esteem. Trust how you feel and look for real praise from people who care.
Passive-aggressive actions can make you confused. Listen to your gut and set limits if you feel tricked.
Love-bombing might seem nice but can make you depend on them. Good relationships grow slowly, not from too much attention at once.
Gaslighting makes you question what is real. Write down what happens to help you remember the truth.
Emotional blackmail can make you feel guilty. Keep your boundaries strong and put your needs first.
Withholding validation can make you feel empty. Find people who truly notice your feelings and successes.
Weird Things Covert Narcissists Do
1. Play Victim
One weird thing covert narcissists do is act like a victim. They often tell stories where they seem hurt or not understood. You might hear them say, “No one ever appreciates me,” or “People always take advantage of my kindness.” This helps them get sympathy and support from others.
Covert narcissists use acting like a victim to control things. They might make small problems seem bigger or change facts to look innocent. For example, if you set a boundary, they might say, “I guess I’m just a terrible friend who doesn’t deserve your time.” This can make you feel guilty and question yourself.
Studies show covert narcissists have a weak self-image. They react strongly to criticism and use victim stories to protect themselves. They are very sensitive and make small problems seem worse. They also ignore good feedback. This can leave you feeling confused and tired.
Signs someone is playing the victim:
They complain a lot about being treated badly
Their stories focus on how much they suffer
They try to get sympathy or avoid blame
2. Downplay Achievements
Covert narcissists also downplay achievements, both yours and theirs. When you share good news, they might say, “It’s not like you did it alone,” or “I’m glad my advice helped you succeed.” These words sound nice but actually make your win seem smaller.
They also downplay their own successes. They might say, “It wasn’t a big deal,” or “Anyone could have done it.” This makes them look humble but they still want praise. Over time, this can make you doubt yourself and feel less proud.
How this looks in real life:
They shift focus from your wins to theirs
They compare you to others so you feel less special
They suggest your success is because of their help
Research shows covert narcissists use these tricks to feel more important. Their comments can make you feel not good enough and want their approval.
3. Backhanded Compliments
Backhanded compliments are another weird thing covert narcissists do. These sound like praise but have a hidden insult. For example, they might say, “You look great today—much better than usual,” or “I didn’t expect you to do so well.”
These comments can confuse you. You might feel happy at first, then hurt or unsure. Covert narcissists use these to lower your confidence but still seem polite. If you get upset, they say you misunderstood or are too sensitive.
What happens with backhanded compliments:
You feel unsure and doubt yourself
Your confidence gets lower over time
You start to depend on their approval
Experts say covert narcissists use this to stay in control. They do not seem rude but still make others feel less sure. This can make you feel tired and worried if it happens a lot.
4. Passive-Aggressive
You might see passive-aggressive actions as something covert narcissists do. They do not show anger in open ways. Instead, they use small actions to show how they feel. This can make you feel mixed up or upset.
Here are some things you might notice:
They say “I’m fine” but act upset, so you have to guess what is wrong.
They act like a victim by saying, “Nobody understands what I’m going through,” to avoid blame.
They give backhanded compliments like, “You’ve done well for someone with your background.”
They stop talking to you after a fight, which makes you feel bad.
They make jokes like, “Well, at least you tried your best,” that can hurt.
Passive-aggressive actions can make you doubt yourself. You might wonder if you did something wrong or if you are just too sensitive.
Studies show covert narcissists use passive-aggressive ways to hide their real feelings. They do not want to look bad, so they stay away from fights. Instead, they show anger or upset feelings in sneaky ways.
Here is a table that shows the difference between covert narcissism and passive-aggressive actions:
Trait/Behavior | Covert Narcissism | Passive-Aggressive Behavior |
|---|---|---|
Expression of Aggression | Hidden grandiosity | Indirect negative emotions |
Focus of Emotional Investment | Self-grandiosity | Frustrating and undermining others |
Communication Style | Lack of directness | Sulking, indirect comments |
Perception of Others | Feels misunderstood | Feels the world is against them |
Historical Context | Covert aggression | First noted in soldiers (Menninger) |
These actions can be hard to talk about. Covert narcissists use them to keep control and not get blamed. If you see these signs, trust your own feelings. Noticing passive-aggressive actions is the first step to keeping yourself safe.
5. Love-Bombing
Love-bombing is another strange thing covert narcissists do. You might feel shocked by lots of attention, praise, or care. At first, this feels great. You may think you found someone who really cares.
Covert narcissists use love-bombing to make you depend on them. Their way is quiet. They do not give big gifts or do huge things. They use kind words, small surprises, and always seem to support you. This makes their care look real.
They make it seem like you have a deep bond, so you want their approval.
If you try to leave, they give you more attention to keep you close.
Their quiet style makes love-bombing hard to notice.
You may feel special at first, but later you might see you need their attention to feel good.
Studies show covert narcissists use love-bombing to feel better about themselves and hide their worries. They want you to see them as caring and helpful. This helps them stay in charge of the relationship.
If someone gives you too much attention too fast, stop and think. Healthy relationships take time to grow. Love-bombing can make you feel stuck or confused.
6. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is one of the most harmful things covert narcissists do. You might start to doubt your memory, feelings, or what is real. Covert narcissists use gaslighting to make you question yourself and trust them instead.
“You need to toughen up.”
“Can’t you take a joke?”
“Why do you take everything so personally?”
“You should learn to let things go.”
“I never said that. You have a terrible memory.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You need to lose weight.”
“Your friends are idiots.”
“I’m not angry. What are you talking about?”
“If you really loved me, you would…”
“It’s your fault I cheated.”
“You make me furious.”
“No one else will ever love you.”
“I remember you agreed to that.”
“If you’re lucky, I’ll forgive you.”
Gaslighting makes you feel mixed up and unsure. You might start to think you are always wrong or too sensitive.
Studies show gaslighting confuses people by lying, denying, and changing facts. Covert narcissists use this to make you stop trusting your own mind. This is called “perception invalidation” or “epistemic undermining.”
They often act calm while making you look silly. They may say mean things as jokes or tell you to “toughen up” to seem better than you. Sometimes, they pretend to care while giving you negative attention.
If you see these signs, remember you are not alone. Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse. Trust your gut and get help if you feel confused or hurt.
7. Emotional Blackmail
Emotional blackmail is one of the weird things covert narcissists do that can leave you feeling trapped and confused. You might notice that they use your feelings against you. They want you to feel guilty or responsible for their happiness. This makes it hard for you to say no or set healthy boundaries.
You may hear phrases like, “If you really cared about me, you would do this,” or “I guess I just don’t matter to you.” These statements make you question your own needs. Covert narcissists often hide their true intentions behind concern or love, but their real goal is control.
Here is a table that shows how emotional blackmail can look in daily life:
Manifestation Type | Description |
|---|---|
Emotional Manipulation | They use guilt-tripping or gaslighting to get their way. |
Passive-Aggressive Behavior | They might give you the silent treatment if you don’t do what they want. |
Emotional Coldness | They act distant or uncaring, making you feel like you did something wrong. |
Need for Validation | They always want you to reassure them, even when you feel upset. |
You might notice these signs:
They always need you to make them feel better.
They act cold or distant when you don’t agree with them.
They pretend to care, but really want to control your choices.
Covert narcissists use emotional blackmail because they fear losing control. They want to keep you close and make sure you meet their needs. This is one of the weird things covert narcissists do that can make you feel powerless.
8. Withhold Validation
Withholding validation is another strange behavior you might see. Covert narcissists rarely give you real praise or support. Instead, they make you feel like your feelings or achievements do not matter. You may hear them say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which sounds caring but actually makes you feel worse.
You might notice:
They only give you praise when it benefits them.
They ignore your good news or change the subject.
They make you feel like you have to earn their approval.
Covert narcissists create emotional scarcity. They give you just enough attention to keep you hoping for more. This makes you work harder for their approval, even when you feel empty inside. Over time, you may start to doubt yourself and feel emotionally starved.
Some common signs include:
You feel confused about where you stand with them.
You notice they pull away when you need support.
You feel like you are always chasing their approval.
This is one of the weird things covert narcissists do to keep control in relationships. They want you to depend on them for validation, which makes it easier for them to manipulate you.
9. Secret Competition
Secret competition is a hidden game that covert narcissists play. You may not notice it at first, but over time, you start to feel like you are always being compared to others. Covert narcissists want to feel superior, so they turn everyday moments into contests.
They might:
Compare your achievements to someone else’s.
Bring up other people’s successes to make you feel less important.
Praise others in front of you to make you feel jealous or insecure.
Covert narcissists often see life as a battle between “winners” and “losers.” They want to prove they are better than you, even if it means making you feel small. This behavior comes from a deep fear of being overlooked or humiliated.
You may notice:
At first, you feel special to be included in their circle.
Later, you start to feel like you are not good enough.
You try harder to prove your worth, but it never feels like enough.
This secret competition can leave you feeling tired and unsure of yourself. You may start to compare yourself to others and feel jealous or insecure. Covert narcissists use this tactic to protect their fragile self-esteem and keep you focused on winning their approval.
10. Create Confusion
Covert narcissists often create confusion in your mind. You may feel lost or unsure about what is real. This is one of the weird things covert narcissists do to keep control over you. They want you to doubt yourself and rely on them for answers.
You might notice these confusing behaviors:
They tell you one thing, then later deny it.
They remember your mistakes but forget their own.
They act caring, but later use your secrets against you.
They twist facts or leave out important details.
They make small changes to stories, so you question your memory.
You may start to wonder, “Did I really say that?” or “Am I just too sensitive?” This is not by accident. Covert narcissists use these tricks to make you feel unsure.
Here are some common strategies they use to create confusion:
Gaslighting: They deny things you know happened. This makes you question your reality.
Selective Memory: They only remember your errors, never theirs.
Emotional Manipulation: They make you feel guilty or responsible for their feelings.
False Empathy: They act like they care, but later use your feelings against you.
Micro-gaslighting: They make tiny changes to stories or facts, so you slowly lose confidence in your own mind.
You may feel like you are always walking on eggshells. You try to keep the peace, but nothing feels right. Over time, this confusion can make you depend on the narcissist for what is true or false. This is how they keep power in the relationship.
If you notice these signs, trust your own feelings. Confusion is a warning sign. Healthy relationships do not make you doubt your own mind.
11. Act Helpless
Another weird thing covert narcissists do is act helpless. You may see them pretend they cannot do simple tasks or solve easy problems. They might say, “I just can’t figure this out,” or “I’m so bad at this, can you help me?” This is not real helplessness. It is a way to get you to do things for them.
Covert narcissists use performative helplessness to avoid responsibility. They want you to step in and fix things. This lets them escape blame if something goes wrong. It also makes you feel needed and important, so you keep helping them.
When they act helpless, you might:
Do their chores or work for them.
Make excuses for their mistakes.
Feel guilty if you do not help.
Take on more than your fair share.
By acting helpless, covert narcissists trigger your protective instincts. You want to help, but you end up doing more than you should.
This behavior helps them control the situation. They get attention and sympathy, while you carry the burden. Over time, you may feel tired or resentful, but they keep acting like they cannot manage without you.
If you notice someone always needs help but never tries to solve things on their own, take a step back. Ask yourself if you are being manipulated. Healthy relationships have balance. Both people share work and support each other.
Noticing these 11 weird behaviors can help you stay safe from covert narcissists. Listen to your gut if something feels wrong. You can make rules to protect yourself and get stronger inside.
Knowing what is happening helps you stand up for yourself.
Setting clear rules keeps you safe.
Being strong on your own helps you stay in charge.
Friends and keeping notes help you bounce back.
You should be treated with respect and truth. Do things that help you feel better. Always remember, you can pick good relationships.
Conclusion
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Frequently Asked Questions
How do covert narcissists affect relationships?
You may feel drained or unsure. They use guilt, confusion, and emotional tricks. You might doubt your feelings or lose confidence over time.
Can covert narcissists change?
Change is rare. You may notice small improvements if they seek help. Most covert narcissists do not admit their behavior or want to change.
How can you protect yourself from a covert narcissist?
Set clear boundaries. Trust your feelings. Limit contact if you feel hurt. Talk to friends or a counselor for support.
What signs should you watch for?
Look for:
Backhanded compliments
Playing the victim
Withholding praise
Secret competition
Passive-aggressive actions
Why do covert narcissists act helpless?
They want you to solve their problems. This helps them avoid blame. You may feel needed, but you end up doing more work.
Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with a covert narcissist?
Healthy relationships need trust and respect. You may struggle to get these with a covert narcissist. You can try setting rules, but you may need to step away.
What should you do if you feel confused or manipulated?
Trust your gut. Write down what happens. Talk to someone you trust. You deserve respect and honesty in every relationship.