When you hear things covert narcissists say in an argument, you might feel mixed up or question the validity of your thoughts. These statements often lead to self-doubt. Studies show that tricky language can impact your emotions in various ways:
It can make you feel bad about yourself and leave you confused.
It may cause feelings of worry or even sadness.
Over time, you might feel worthless or experience prolonged stress.
Recognizing these signs is essential for maintaining your mental well-being.
Key Takeaways
Covert narcissists often say things like ‘I never said that.’ They do this to make you doubt your memory. They want you to question what is real.
When they say ‘You’re too sensitive,’ it makes your feelings seem wrong. This can make you wonder if your emotions are okay. You might feel weak or powerless.
If they say ‘I was just joking,’ they hide their criticism as a joke. This can make you unsure if your feelings matter.
Saying ‘You always misunderstand me’ puts the blame on you. It makes you feel like you are the problem.
When they say ‘Everyone agrees with me,’ they pretend everyone is on their side. This can make you feel alone. You might start to doubt your own thoughts.
If they say ‘I’m just trying to help,’ they may be hiding criticism. This can make you confused about what they really mean.
When they say ‘You’re overreacting,’ they make your feelings seem too much. This can make you doubt yourself. It can also hurt your feelings over time.
Phrases like ‘If you really loved me, you’d…’ use guilt to control you. This can make you feel stuck and unhappy.
Things Covert Narcissists Say in an Argument
1. “I never said that.”
Denial
When you hear “I never said that,” you might start to question your memory. This phrase is a classic example of denial. Covert narcissists use it to erase their own words and actions. You may feel confused or even start to doubt your own reality.
Over time, repeated denial can make you feel trapped and unsure of yourself. Many people in these situations report feeling stuck in a cycle, trying to break free but losing trust in their own thoughts.
When someone keeps denying what happened, you might blame yourself and feel less confident about what you know is true.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting happens when someone tries to make you question your reality. By saying “I never said that,” a covert narcissist tries to make you feel like you are imagining things. This tactic can lead to confusion and emotional pain.
You may start to wonder if you are the problem, which can lower your self-esteem. This is one of the most common things covert narcissists say in an argument to keep control and avoid responsibility.
2. “You’re too sensitive.”
Invalidation
When a covert narcissist says, “You’re too sensitive,” they want you to feel like your feelings do not matter. This phrase is used to shut down your emotions and make you question if your reactions are normal.
You might start to think you are overreacting, even when your feelings are valid. This is a form of emotional invalidation, and it can make you feel small and powerless.
“You’re too sensitive” is often used to:
Invalidate your feelings and experiences.
Make you question your emotional responses.
Shift the blame away from the narcissist.
Blame shifting
Blame shifting is another reason why covert narcissists use this phrase. Instead of taking responsibility for their hurtful words or actions, they make you feel like you are the problem. This keeps the focus off them and puts it on you.
Many people who deal with things covert narcissists say in an argument feel emotionally exhausted because they are always made to feel at fault.
In relationships with covert narcissists, blame shifting can create a cycle where you feel responsible for everything that goes wrong.
3. “I was just joking.”
Passive-aggression
“I was just joking” is a phrase that hides real feelings behind humor. Covert narcissists use it to say something mean or critical, then pretend it was harmless. This is a form of passive-aggression. You might feel hurt, but when you speak up, they tell you that you cannot take a joke. This makes you feel confused and unsure if your feelings are valid.
Examples of passive-aggressive jokes:
“Well, at least you tried your best.”
“Nice job, Einstein.”
“Wow, even you managed to pull that off?”
These comments sound like jokes, but they actually put you down. Over time, hearing these things covert narcissists say in an argument can lower your self-worth and make you feel like you cannot trust your own feelings.
Avoiding responsibility
By saying “I was just joking,” covert narcissists avoid taking responsibility for their words. If you get upset, they blame you for not having a sense of humor. This tactic lets them say hurtful things without facing the consequences. You may feel frustrated and unheard, which can lead to emotional distress.
When humor is used to hide criticism, it becomes a tool for control, not connection.
4. “You always misunderstand me.”
Deflection
When you hear, “You always misunderstand me,” the covert narcissist tries to shift the blame away from themselves. Instead of listening to your concerns, they make it seem like you are the problem. This is called deflection. You might feel like you can never get your point across, no matter how hard you try.
Covert narcissists often use non-verbal cues, like a cold tone or dismissive body language, while saying supportive words. This mix of signals can leave you feeling uneasy.
Phrases such as “You always take things the wrong way” suggest that any problem in communication is your fault, not theirs.
When someone keeps telling you that you misunderstand them, you may start to believe you are the one who is always wrong. This tactic helps the narcissist avoid responsibility for their actions.
Confusion
Confusion is a powerful tool for covert narcissists. When they say, “You always misunderstand me,” you might feel hurt and unsure of yourself. This confusion can make you question your own judgment and even your self-worth.
Misunderstanding leads to feelings of hurt and confusion.
You may start to mistrust your own feelings and doubt your ability to communicate.
Sweet words paired with a harsh tone or cold body language create mixed signals, making it hard to know what is true.
Over time, this confusion can lower your self-esteem. You may feel invalidated or unworthy, which is exactly what the narcissist wants. This is one of the most common things covert narcissists say in an argument to keep you off balance and in doubt.
5. “Everyone agrees with me.”
False consensus
When a covert narcissist says, “Everyone agrees with me,” they try to make you feel alone in your opinion. This is called creating a false consensus. They want you to believe that you are the only one who disagrees, so you will stop speaking up.
Narcissists often create gossip networks to spread their version of the story. This can make it seem like everyone is on their side.
They may say things like, “Everyone’s against me,” to make themselves look like the victim and twist the truth.
By claiming, “Everyone agrees with me,” they pressure you to go along with their view, even if it feels wrong.
This tactic can make you question your own reality and feel isolated from others.
Isolation
Isolation is a key part of narcissistic manipulation. When you feel like everyone else agrees with the narcissist, you may start to pull away from your own support system. The narcissist wants you to rely only on them.
The process of devaluation keeps you seeking approval from the narcissist, even if it means losing touch with friends or family. Over time, you may feel lonely and helpless. Isolation, whether forced by the narcissist or caused by the relationship, leads to emotional distress. You might find yourself cut off from people who care about you, making it even harder to break free.
Narcissists use devaluation to make you feel less important. As you try to win back their favor, you may give up other relationships, which deepens your dependence on them. This is another example of things covert narcissists say in an argument to keep control.
6. “I’m just trying to help.”
Criticism disguised as concern
Covert narcissists often hide criticism behind caring words. When they say, “I’m just trying to help,” they may actually be putting you down. This makes it hard to tell if they are being kind or critical.
They might say, “I’m only saying this because I care about you,” but their real goal is to make you feel small.
For example, “You’ve been working so hard lately. Are you sure you’re not neglecting your family?” This sounds helpful but actually accuses you of failing.
Veiled insults, like “Oh, I never would have guessed you’d be invited to something like this!” seem nice but question your worth.
These comments create confusion and self-doubt. You may feel guilty or unsure about your choices, even when you have done nothing wrong.
Moral high ground
Taking the moral high ground is another way covert narcissists keep control. They act like they know what is best for everyone. You might hear, “I’ve lived longer, so I know better,” or “I’ve always done what’s best for this family.” These statements make you feel like your opinions do not matter.
This tactic creates guilt or a sense of inferiority in you.
It silences your voice and makes it hard to stand up for yourself.
By claiming to have higher morals or more experience, the narcissist keeps you in a lower position. You may feel powerless to argue, even when you know you are right. This is one of the subtle things covert narcissists say in an argument to keep you under their control.
7. “You’re overreacting.”
Minimization
When someone says, “You’re overreacting,” they want your feelings to seem too much or not important. This is called minimization. Covert narcissists use this phrase to make you doubt your feelings. You might wonder if your feelings are wrong or if you are making a big deal out of nothing. Covert narcissists often say things like “You’re overreacting” to ignore real emotions. This makes people question their own feelings. Hearing this over and over can make you feel numb and unsure about your feelings.
Research shows that hearing minimization many times can make people feel numb or confused about their feelings. You might stop trusting your own reactions. After a while, you can feel powerless and mixed up. When someone makes your feelings seem small, you might start to think your emotions do not matter. This can cause long-lasting emotional pain.
Emotional invalidation
Emotional invalidation happens when someone ignores, laughs at, or rejects your feelings. When a covert narcissist says, “You’re overreacting,” they tell you your feelings are not real or important. This can hurt your mental health.
Impact of Emotional Invalidation | Description |
|---|---|
Self-Doubt | Emotional invalidation makes people less sure about their feelings. |
Psychological Damage | Invalidation can hurt a person’s mental health. |
Developmental Impact | Kids are more likely to feel insecure and have trouble sharing feelings. |
You might feel confused and wonder if your feelings are ever right. This can make you feel small and not important. Over time, you might stop sharing your feelings with others. Emotional invalidation tells people their feelings are not important or are wrong. It often leaves people feeling confused and full of self-doubt.
The message is that their feelings do not matter. If you see this happening, remember your feelings are real. Knowing things covert narcissists say in an argument can help you protect your feelings.
8. “If you really loved me, you’d…”
Guilt-tripping
“If you really loved me, you’d…” is a guilt-tripping phrase. Covert narcissists use it to make you feel responsible for their happiness. You might feel pushed to do things you do not want to do just to show you care. Guilt-tripping makes people feel like they must do what the narcissist wants. These statements are used as emotional blackmail. They make people do things for the narcissist. Narcissists use guilt to control others.
You may start to think you must always make them happy or you do not care enough. This can make you feel trapped and worried. Guilt-tripping can make you feel like you never do enough, even when you try your best.
Emotional manipulation
Covert narcissists use emotional manipulation to get what they want and look innocent. They might act sad or upset if you do not do what they ask. This keeps the focus on their needs and makes you feel bad for having your own limits. Covert narcissists are good at using emotional manipulation to get what they want while acting like victims. They make their partners feel like their problems are their fault.
This helps them keep power in the relationship. Covert narcissists use guilt or pity to control others. Their partners often feel they must meet the narcissist’s needs. Guilt trips help covert narcissists stay in control by making their partners feel responsible for their feelings. Common behaviors include guilt-tripping, which helps them get what they want while acting like victims.
You might notice you often feel guilty or worried about upsetting them. This is a sign of emotional manipulation. Seeing these patterns can help you set healthy boundaries.
9. “I guess I’m always the bad guy.”
Victim-playing
When a covert narcissist says, “I guess I’m always the bad guy,” they want you to feel sorry for them. This is called victim-playing. They want you to forget what they did wrong and focus on their feelings. Covert narcissists often say things like “I guess I’m always the bad guy” to avoid blame and make others feel sorry for them.
This matches the DARVO tactic, where they deny what they did, attack the person who speaks up, and switch the roles of victim and offender. This can make the real victim feel ignored and unsure about what happened.
You may start to comfort them, even if they hurt you. This can make you feel guilty for talking about problems.
Deflection
Deflection means moving the focus away from their actions. Covert narcissists use victim-playing to avoid blame. They might say things that make you wonder if you were too mean or unfair. Narcissists use victimhood to avoid taking responsibility. This helps them keep control by making up a story where they are the victim.
By blaming others, they make solving problems harder. Narcissists convince people they are innocent and powerless, which makes it hard for the real victim to speak up. They often act like they always suffer and never take responsibility for what they do. This makes the victim feel confused and makes solving problems harder.
You may feel mixed up and unsure about what really happened. This makes it hard to fix problems or stand up for yourself. If you notice these things covert narcissists say in an argument, remember your feelings matter and should be respected.
10. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
Dismissal
When someone says, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing,” it can make you feel like your feelings do not matter. Covert narcissists use this phrase to ignore your emotions and make you question yourself. You might start to think you are wrong for feeling upset. This can make you feel small and not important.
Covert narcissists use this phrase to:
Ignore your real feelings.
Put the blame on you instead of themselves.
Make you wonder if your feelings are right.
Saying “You’re making a big deal out of nothing” is not just a simple comment. It is a way to control how you think about yourself and your feelings.
Studies show covert narcissists use dismissal to trick people. This can make you doubt what is real. After a while, you might stop sharing your feelings because you think no one will listen.
Avoiding accountability
Covert narcissists do not want to admit when they are wrong. When they say, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing,” they avoid talking about the real problem. This helps them escape blame and keeps you from looking at their actions.
You might see:
They change the topic when you talk about a problem.
They act like your worries are silly or not important.
They make you feel bad for speaking up.
This kind of behavior is part of emotional manipulation. It can make you feel weak and alone. If you hear this phrase a lot, you might start to think your feelings are always wrong. Remember, your feelings matter and you should be heard.
11. Silent Treatment or Withdrawal
Control
Silent treatment is a strong way covert narcissists try to control you. When they stop talking or walk away, they show you that you do not matter. You may feel desperate to fix things, even if you did nothing wrong.
Silent treatment makes one person have more power.
You might feel nervous, mixed up, or even scared.
Many people spend hours thinking about what they did wrong.
Someone once said, “After days of silence, I felt like I was not worth talking to. I kept thinking about everything, trying to find my mistake.”
This is not just being quiet. It is about making you feel weak and eager to please. Over time, you may change how you act just to avoid being ignored.
Emotional manipulation
Silent treatment is a kind of emotional manipulation. It can hurt your mind and feelings for a long time. Studies show this can cause worry, sadness, and low self-esteem. The pain you feel is real, both in your mind and body.
Psychological Effect | Description |
|---|---|
Causes deep emotional pain and can be a type of emotional abuse. | |
Diminished Self-Worth | People may feel they do not deserve love or respect, which lowers self-esteem. |
Anxiety and Hypervigilance | Getting silent treatment often makes people anxious and stressed, which can hurt their health. |
Isolation | Feeling left out can make people lonely and sad. |
Physical Pain | Silent treatment can make your brain feel real pain, not just emotional hurt. |
You may notice you feel alone or even hurt after silent treatment. Many people think about their actions for hours, trying to understand the silence. This is one of the worst things covert narcissists do in an argument, even when they do not speak.
Remember, you deserve respect and people should talk to you. If you get silent treatment or someone walks away, your feelings are important.
Knowing what covert narcissist phrases sound like helps you keep your mind healthy and feel stronger. When you notice these patterns, you can make rules for yourself and ask others for help.
Supportive relationships and therapy help you get better and understand what happened to you.
Self-compassion and personal goals help you feel in charge and good about yourself again.
Support groups and online resources give you safe places to talk and get better.
“When you call something by its real name, you get the power to make good choices and protect yourself.”
Listen to your gut feelings. Keep learning about covert narcissism so you can help yourself and have a better life.
Conclusion
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Frequently Asked Questions
How can I tell if someone is a covert narcissist?
Watch for these signs:
Frequent guilt-tripping
Silent treatment
Playing the victim You might feel mixed up after talking with them. You could start doubting yourself.
Trust your gut if you feel blamed or misunderstood a lot.
Why do covert narcissists use gaslighting?
Covert narcissists use gaslighting to control how you see things. They want you to doubt your memory and feelings. This makes you easier to control.
Studies (Stines, 2017) show gaslighting causes self-doubt and anxiety.
Can covert narcissists change their behavior?
Change can happen, but it is not common. Most covert narcissists do not get help. Therapy works only if they admit what they do.
You cannot force change.
Take care of yourself first.
What should I do if I recognize these phrases in my relationship?
Make clear rules for yourself. Get help from friends, family, or a therapist.
Your feelings matter. You deserve respect and kindness.
Are there long-term effects of arguing with a covert narcissist?
Yes. You might get anxiety, low self-esteem, or depression.
Effect | Description |
|---|---|
Anxiety | Feeling worried or nervous |
Low self-esteem | Not feeling good about yourself |
Depression | Feeling sad or hopeless |
How can I protect myself from covert narcissistic abuse?
Learn about narcissism
Find people who support you
Take care of yourself You can also talk to a counselor if you need help.
Knowing more helps you make strong boundaries.
Is it my fault if I fall for these manipulative phrases?
No, it is not your fault. Covert narcissists use tricks that fool many people.
You did nothing wrong. Seeing the problem is the first step to getting better.