“The narcissist is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom: No matter how much you put in, you can never fill it up. … To your narcissistic partner, you are not [enough]. No one is. Nothing is.”

“Narcissists are precisely that: careless. They barrel through life, using relationships and people as objects, tools, and folly. … Carelessness is cruel.”

“One of the great traps of the narcissistic relationship is that the narcissistic folks actually believe they are nice people. … It’s part of their system of delusional grandiosity.”

“When you notice someone does something toxic the first time, don’t wait for the second time before you address it or cut them off. … You never have to justify your intuition.”

“If you think you’re going to have a thoughtful discussion with someone who is toxic, be prepared for epic mindfuckery rather than conversational mindfulness. Malignant narcissists and sociopaths use word salad, circular conversations, ad hominem arguments, projection and gaslighting…”

“Narcissists gaslight you so you begin to gaslight yourself into thinking what you are feeling, hearing, seeing and experiencing isn’t true. … They rewrite reality on a daily basis to suit their needs.”

“You are constantly second-guessing yourself.”

“You often feel confused and even crazy at work.”

“You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.”

“Focus on feelings instead of ‘right’ and ‘wrong.’ … Remember that you can’t control anyone’s opinion—even if you’re right!”

“This is the gaslighters’ mantra. … People with a personality disorder feel that they are normal and everyone else is crazy. … Attempts to teach psychopaths how to ‘really feel’ remorse or empathy are doomed to failure.”

“The gaslighting parent usually has a ‘golden child’ and a ‘scapegoat child.’ The former can do no wrong, whereas the latter can do no right.”

“YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER. … The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone.”

“An abuser can seem emotionally needy. … He’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough.”

“Your problem is not that you lose control of yourself, it’s that you take control of your partner. … You need to let go of control of her.”

“Psychopaths provide shallow praise and flattery only in order to gain trust. … You will begin to notice that you are never allowed to express anything but positive praise for them.”

“Those were not your emotions. … They were carefully manufactured by the psychopath in order to make you question your own good nature.”

“Emotional abusers condition their victims to feel ashamed, inadequate, and unstable. … They break down the target’s self-esteem through belittling, teasing, and manufactured jealousy.”

“Evil is that which kills spirit. … Evil then … is the force … that seeks to kill life or liveliness. And goodness is its opposite.”

“Necrophilia [includes] the desire of certain people to control others—to make them controllable, to foster their dependency, to discourage their capacity to think for themselves…”

“If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100 percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.”

“Controlling others—winning—is more compelling than anything (or anyone) else.”

“Sociopathy is the inability to process emotional experience, including love and caring, except when such experience can be calculated as a coldly intellectual task.”

“Playing the victim role: [The] manipulator … gains pity, sympathy or evokes compassion and thereby gets something from another.”

“If you’re dealing with a person who rarely gives you a straight answer … or uses any of the other tactics to throw you on the defensive and get their way, you can assume … [they are] covertly aggressive.”

“The covert-aggressive’s dislike of appearing overtly aggressive is as practical as it is face-saving. … They’re adept at fighting unscrupulously yet surreptitiously.”

“The ‘losing battle’ manipulation victims often fight is trying to make the manipulator change. … Fighting this losing battle inevitably breeds anger, frustration … and, eventually, depression.”

“Most therapy programs do little more than provide psychopaths with new excuses and rationalizations … [and] new and better ways of manipulating other people.”

“It is difficult to penetrate their mask of normalcy. … We are sucked in not by what they say but by how they say it and by the emotional buttons they push while saying it.”

“Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect. Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving. If severe enough, it is traumatic.”

“You will never mend the wound without dealing with the betrayal bond. … Time will not heal it.”

“Remind yourself: You have a right to your disappointment. … Recognize self-blame for what it is: a powerful fear that you’ll lose love if you ask for what you want.”

“To work around [your child’s] fears … guarantees they’ll live a life of fear. … That’s another path to narcissistic addiction.”

“Daughters of narcissistic mothers absorb the message ‘I am valued for what I do, rather than for who I am.'”

“A daughter who doesn’t receive validation … learns that she has no significance in the world. … She feels she must ‘earn’ a close connection by seeing to Mom’s needs.”

“Here we will also see how verbal and emotional abuse alone can cause Cptsd, and how profound emotional abandonment is typically at the core of most Cptsd.”

“Contempt is a toxic cocktail of verbal and emotional abuse … a deadly amalgam of denigration, rage and disgust.”

“These eight independent satellite states of the psychopathic personality—Machiavellian Egocentricity … and Coldheartedness.”

“Ruthlessness, charm, focus, mental toughness, fearlessness … What was important was being able to turn them back down.”

“Narcissists like watching themselves on videotape … Vanity often occurs with self-centeredness, which causes so many of the negative behaviors associated with narcissism.”

“We’re not number one, but we’re number one in thinking we are number one.”

“An (emotional) vampire goes in for the kill by stirring up your emotions. Pushing your buttons throws you off center, which renders you easier to drain.”

“With chronic talkers, we must learn to set boundaries, a basic form of self-care.”

“You press your internal mute button … and, if appropriate, you masterfully hold the narcissist accountable, or you move on.”

“For a narcissist, saying a simple ‘I’m sorry’ is like saying, ‘I am the worst human being on earth.’ … Instead of appearing wounded, they will hurl the prickliest words at you.”

“In Dr. John Gottman’s four decades of research, he has found [contempt] to be the number one predictor of divorce.”

“My favorite Maya teaching is, ‘When people show you who they are, believe them.’ … [Maya:] Yes—and believe them the first time!”

“When we understand love as the will to nurture our own and another’s spiritual growth … Love and abusive cannot coexist.”

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. … It’s far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

“Hate is the complement of fear and narcissists like being feared. It imbues them with an intoxicating sensation of omnipotence.”

“In the narcissist’s world being accepted or cared for is not enough. … They are aware of what they are doing to others—but they do not care.”

“Realize that narcissists have an addiction disorder. They are strongly addicted to feeling significant. Like any addict they will do anything to get their ‘high.'”

“Every day of healing will be like battling a ghost in your head. They never leave you alone, until you can forgive.”

“The biggest mistake abuse survivors make after leaving their relationship is to shrink. … Show the world that you overcame a monster.”

“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”

“You are not allowed to express anything but positive praise for them.”

“Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.”

“We are sucked in not by what they say but by how they say it and by the emotional buttons they push while saying it.”

“You can’t be happy in the relationship if sharing your needs drives the person away. … It keeps you stuck in the wrong relationship, with someone who needs you to bury your needs.”

“Don’t let a Narcissist, or any other kind of vampire, get away with nonverbal disapproval. Unspoken communication has much more power than mere words because it is ambiguous… Translate rather than pointing the finger.”

“Emotional Vampires never grow up. Throughout their lives, they see themselves as victims of fate and the unpredictability of others… they have no opportunity to learn from their mistakes, and they just keep on making the same ones over and over.”

“When you try to extinguish a tantrum by ignoring it, the first response you always get is called an extinction burst… This might make you believe that ignoring them isn’t working, but what it actually means is that it is.”

“Paranoid vampires don’t understand the concept of trust… if you’re close to one of these vampires, you’ll have to re-earn his or her trust every hour on the hour.”

“With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism, and accusations slowly eat away at the victim’s self-esteem… They have become so beaten down emotionally that they blame themselves for the abuse.”

“One of the most significant patterns… is based on what is called the ‘repetition compulsion’—an unconscious drive to repeat the same type of abusive relationship we ourselves experienced as a child in an attempt to accomplish a new outcome.”

“Begin to nurture yourself… Our partners are not our parents, no matter how much we try to make them into parents. No one can make up for the deprivation you experienced, and no one should be expected to.”

“It is quite common for those with a history of emotional abuse to feel they are being victimized, even when they are the ones who are being abusive… Victims of childhood emotional abuse are notorious for flying off the handle at the least provocation.”

“It’s not a boundary if we can’t enforce it.”

“Codependency is normal behavior, plus… We forget where the other person’s responsibilities begin and our responsibilities stop.”

“I gave until I was depleted and needed someone to take care of me… I was convinced that I knew what was best for other people. I got so busy teaching them their lessons that I forgot to learn mine.”

“Constantly monitoring others for signs of distress… Such adult children are still very anxious and fearful of disagreements… and do things that they don’t want to do in an effort to please others.”

“One of the most troubling and enduring effects of reverse parenting can be heightened emotional susceptibility… Your psychological boundary strength was not sufficiently developed as you were growing up.”

“Often, her mate is the child of a narcissist, already indoctrinated to regard exploitation and disregard as love… The repressed adult may select an exhibitionistic mate to achieve vicarious satisfaction.”

“Children of narcissists emerge from this crucible with a common and most serious problem. They feel that they do not have the right to exist.”

“The narc has been living in denial of their humanity and normal vulnerable feelings for so long… This is why they cannot stand to be alone.”

“Shared information becomes more categorical than it is when originally presented in the individual mind… combined with the strong pressure to minimize information loss.”

“The narcissistic relationship is like a riptide that pulls you back in even as you try to swim away… the natural drive toward attachment, connection, and love are what keep you stuck in the riptide’s pull.”

“In their interpersonal relationships, this leads to early idealization in the honeymoon phase… Once you fail to meet their rapidly shifting standards, you will be devalued and criticized until you have nothing left to offer to them.”

“Delayed arrogance is common in sociopaths. When you first meet, they’ll seem unusually innocent, humble, childlike, and thoughtful. But as time goes by, they inevitably transform into a monster: manipulative, arrogant, and neglectful.”

“These are the Cluster B personality disorders… more than one in every seven people—over 15 percent of the population… So given the raw numbers, it’s highly likely that you unknowingly pass by one of these cunning manipulators every day.”

“Psychopaths have a narcissistic and grossly inflated view of their self-worth and importance… as superior beings who are justified in living according to their own rules.”

“The third point is that some of our efforts to treat psychopaths may be misplaced… as far as we can determine, psychopaths are perfectly happy with themselves, and they see no need for treatment.”

“On a more personal level, it is very likely that at some time in your life you will come into painful contact with a psychopath… know how to identify the psychopath, how to protect yourself, and how to minimize the harm done to you.”

“Guilt? … It’s this mechanism we use to control people. It’s an illusion. It’s a kind of social control mechanism—and it’s very unhealthy.”

“Evil people hate the light because it reveals themselves to themselves… They will destroy the light, the goodness, the love in order to avoid the pain of self-awareness.”

“Covert-aggression is at the heart of most interpersonal manipulation.”

“ACCEPT NO EXCUSES… If someone’s behavior is wrong or harmful, the rationale they offer is totally irrelevant. The ends never justify the means.”

“JUDGE ACTIONS, NOT INTENTIONS… Getting caught up in what might be going on in an aggressor’s mind is a good way to get sidetracked… Judge the behavior itself.”

“Fighting openly and fairly for our legitimate needs is often necessary and constructive… assertive behavior is one of the most healthy and necessary human behaviors.”

“Even though a person may begin life as a prisoner of… circumstances… anyone’s rise to a life of integrity and merit can only come as the result of a full self-awakening.”

“It makes you start questioning your reality—maybe they never said that thing.”

“Psychopathy… is like a medicine for modern times. If you take it in moderation it can prove extremely beneficial… But if you overdose on it… there can… be some rather unpleasant side effects.”

“I think I deserve special treatment. I matter more than other people.”

“In many ways, humility is the opposite of narcissism… True humility is a strength: the ability to see or evaluate yourself accurately and without defensiveness.”

“So for those who think abuse survivors can simply logically process their situation and get out… think again… It usually takes a great deal of effort… for a survivor to become fully empowered to begin to heal from this form of trauma.”

“The narcissist does not feel empathy for others… Narcissistic supply is the attention and admiration of the people the narcissist collects as trophies.”

“Codependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love… They are convinced they will never find a dance partner who will love them for who they are… learned helplessness… keeps them on the dance floor with their narcissistic partner.”

“Due to unconscious, trauma-based psychological forces, codependents and pathological narcissists are almost always attracted to each other… The resulting relationship is mostly breakup resistant.”

“It is only by finding and healing these old, original traumas that the narcissist has been using against you that you can break out of the insane emotional prison…”

“To the accomplishment-oriented mother, what you achieve in life is paramount… If you do not become what your accomplishment-oriented mother thinks you should… she may respond with a rampage of fury and rage.”

“When encountering emotional vampires, see what you can learn. It’s your choice… ask yourself, ‘How can this interaction help me grow?'”

“Narcissists are often self-absorbed and preoccupied with a need to achieve the perfect image… This self-absorption can leave them without a true and intimate connection to others.”

“And sociopaths are noted especially for their shallowness of emotion… They have no trace of empathy and no genuine interest in bonding emotionally with a mate.”

“When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes… three lies says you’re dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior.”

“Psychopaths often come across as arrogant, shameless braggarts—self-assured, opinionated, domineering, and cocky… They love to have power and control over others.”

“Psychopaths show a stunning lack of concern for the devastating effects their actions have on others… calmly stating that they have no sense of guilt.”

“So, no matter how much an ‘explanation’ for a problem behavior seems to make sense, don’t accept it.”

“When we fight unnecessarily, or with little concern about how others are being affected, our behavior is most appropriately labeled aggressive.”

“People who practice compassion for themselves experience less anger… more constructive responses to criticism.”

“It’s not a boundary if we can’t enforce it… Be clear. If people have room to misinterpret, they will.”

“They need these sources of [narcissistic] supply because they suffer from perpetual boredom, emotional shallowness and the inability to authentically and emotionally connect.”

“To know oneself… and to attain true mastery over one’s most basic instincts… anyone’s rise to a life of integrity and merit can only come as the result of a full self-awakening.”

“Once you fail to meet their rapidly shifting standards, you will be devalued and criticized until you have nothing left to offer to them.”

“If a marriage partner has any value to the sociopath, it is because the partner is viewed as a possession… never sad or accountable.”

“When you’re constantly surrounded by people—especially toxic influences—it becomes really easy to forget ourselves. We get caught up in drama, gossip, and negativity.”

“If you’re close to one of these [paranoid] vampires, you’ll have to re-earn his or her trust every hour on the hour.”

“Don’t let a Narcissist… get away with nonverbal disapproval… ‘You keep looking at the clock; I’m assuming you’re bored,’ is much harder to deny.”

“We can’t make a person stop drinking. But we can refuse to talk to or date that person.”

“This self-absorption can leave them without a true and intimate connection to others—one that offers a feeling of being understood and being held safely and lovingly in the mind and heart of another person.”