Last updated on November 21st, 2025 at 03:03 am
Signs of a Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist can make you doubt yourself. You might see sneaky tricks or sudden mood changes. Studies say only 1-6% of people have clinical narcissism. But up to 40% show traits that hurt relationships.
You may think a person needs a diagnosis to act this way. But surveys show people often get this wrong:
Not everyone with these traits has a disorder.
Some people with these traits can care about others.
Covert narcissists hide with quiet actions, not big charm.
If you feel unsure about someone’s real motives, you are not the only one.
Key Takeaways
Covert passive aggressive narcissists hide how they really feel. They use sneaky ways to control people.
Emotional manipulation is common for covert narcissists. They might make you feel guilty or act like a victim.
They often use sarcasm and mean jokes. These jokes can hurt your confidence. They seem nice but are not.
Covert narcissists may stop showing love or ignore you. They do this to control your feelings. They want you to feel unsure.
Seeing things like emotional blackmail and love with rules can help you. You can learn to set good boundaries in relationships. Their moods change a lot.
They act friendly, then cold. This can make you feel confused. You might start to doubt yourself.
Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist Defined
Key Traits
Covert vs. Overt
Covert passive aggressive narcissists act in a quiet way. Overt narcissists want everyone to notice them. They like praise and attention. Covert narcissists hide how they really feel.
They may think they deserve special treatment, but they do not show it loudly. Sometimes, they act sad for attention or pull away from others.
Here is a table to help you see the differences:
Trait | Covert Narcissism | Overt Narcissism |
|---|---|---|
Extroversion | Introverted, avoids social interaction | Extroverted, seeks attention directly |
Sense of Self | Feels inadequate, sees self as a victim | Grandiose, seeks admiration |
Behavior | Passive-aggressive, emotional withdrawal | Openly aggressive, displays grandiosity |
Manipulation | Indirect, fulfills emotional needs | Direct, seeks adoration |
Passive Aggression
Passive aggression can look different each time. Covert narcissists do not argue face-to-face. They use sarcasm, ignore you, or make small rude comments. They might cross your boundaries or test your patience. You may feel upset or confused, but you cannot always explain why.
Hard to Spot
It is hard to tell if someone is a covert passive aggressive narcissist. They do not brag or try to control talks. They often seem shy or very sensitive. They get upset easily if criticized. They can play with your feelings and act like a victim. Their actions are small, but after a while, you feel tired.
Research Insights
Studies
Studies show covert narcissists get upset when criticized. They use emotions to control others and act like victims. Up to 40% of people have some narcissistic traits, but only a few have the real disorder.
Expert Quotes
“Covert narcissists rarely seek the spotlight. They use subtle tactics to control and manipulate others.”
— Dr. Craig Malkin, Harvard Medical School
Case Examples
Think about telling a friend good news. Instead of being happy for you, they ignore it or talk about something else. You might feel like they do not care. Or maybe a coworker does not argue but uses sarcasm to make your ideas seem bad. These things seem small, but they build up over time.
Tip: If you often feel confused, guilty, or very tired after talking to someone, you might be dealing with covert passive aggressive narcissism.
Common Misconceptions
Some people think covert narcissists are not harmful because they seem quiet or sensitive. This is not true. Research shows their passive aggression can hurt relationships over time. Experts say you should watch for these signs. Knowing them helps you keep your feelings safe.
Signs of a Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist
Emotional Manipulation
Guilt-Tripping
Sometimes, someone makes you feel like their sadness is your fault. This is a common sign of a covert passive aggressive narcissist. They use guilt-tripping to control how you act and feel. For example, they might say, “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” This trick can leave you feeling mixed up and unsure about your feelings.
They pretend to be victims so you feel sorry for them.
They use sneaky comments to make you feel guilty.
They remind you of what they did for you to make you feel bad for having limits.
You may start to doubt what you need and feel like you must make them happy. Over time, this emotional manipulation can make you tired and hurt your self-esteem.
Playing Victim
A covert passive aggressive narcissist often acts like the victim in every situation. You might hear them tell sad stories or say people always treat them badly. This makes you feel sorry for them and takes the focus off what they do.
If you tell them about your hard day, they quickly talk about their own problems. You end up comforting them, even when you need help. This keeps you focused on their needs and not your own.
Withholding Affection
Withholding affection is another way these people control relationships. When they are upset, they may ignore you or act cold without saying why. You might feel like you did something wrong, even if you do not know what happened.
This silent treatment makes you try harder to get their approval. You may say sorry just to stop the tension, even if it is not your fault. Over time, this can make you feel nervous and unsure in the relationship.
Communication Patterns
Backhanded Jokes
Backhanded jokes are a common sign of a covert passive aggressive narcissist. These jokes sound nice but actually have hidden insults. For example, they might say, “You’re so brave to wear that outfit,” which makes you question your choices.
These comments can make you feel embarrassed or unsure.
They hide mean words as jokes, so you cannot complain without looking sensitive.
You may start to keep quiet and not share your thoughts to avoid more jokes.
Silent Treatment
The silent treatment is a strong tool for covert passive aggressive narcissists. When they are upset, they ignore you instead of talking about their feelings. They do this on purpose to control how you feel.
They might act like they do not hear you or walk away when you talk.
You feel alone and want to fix things, even if you did nothing wrong.
This trick makes you feel powerless and want their attention again.
Sarcasm
Sarcasm is another way these people show anger without being direct. They use sarcastic words to make you feel bad or ignore your feelings. If you share good news, they might say, “Wow, must be nice to have everything handed to you.”
Sarcasm often hides jealousy or anger.
It makes you feel small and unsure how to answer.
You may stop sharing your good news to protect yourself from their rude comments.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula says covert narcissists use sneaky ways of talking, like sarcasm and backhanded jokes, to make others doubt themselves.
Relationship Behaviors
Sabotage
Sabotage is a clear sign of a covert passive aggressive narcissist. They might secretly mess up your plans or hope you fail. For example, they might “forget” to tell you about something important or give you bad advice on purpose.
Behavior | Example Scenario |
|---|---|
Withholding info | Not telling you about a meeting at work |
Giving bad advice | Suggesting you do something they know will fail |
Subtle sabotage | Making fun of your ideas in front of others |
You may feel confused about why things go wrong when you trust them.
Undermining Confidence
These people often hurt your confidence with small actions over and over. They might question your choices, make fun of your wins, or compare you to others in a mean way.
You might hear, “Are you sure you can handle that?” or “Others do it better.”
After a while, you start to doubt yourself and want their approval.
This constant criticism slowly lowers your self-esteem and makes you depend on them.
Triangulation
Triangulation means bringing another person into your relationship to cause problems or make you compete. A covert passive aggressive narcissist uses this to stay in control and keep you guessing.
They might talk about how someone else treats them better or tell your secrets to others.
You may feel like you have to pick sides or worry about being left out.
This behavior causes problems and can make you feel alone. You may notice you feel ignored or left out, which hurts your trust and makes you feel unsafe.
Triangulation often causes confusion and makes your self-esteem lower, so it is harder to stand up for yourself.
If you see these patterns, you are not alone. These are some of the most common signs of a covert passive aggressive narcissist. Knowing about these behaviors helps you protect your feelings and set healthy boundaries.
Self-Centeredness
Redirecting Conversations
A covert passive aggressive narcissist often makes talks about themselves. If you share your feelings, they quickly talk about their own life. This keeps all the attention on them and not on you. You might feel like no one hears you.
They change the topic when you say you are upset.
They talk about their own problems and ignore yours.
You may hear, “You think I’m hard? Others treat me worse.”
This can make you feel invisible and upset. It is a clear Sign of a Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist.
Losing Interest
If you stop giving them attention, they lose interest in you. They may act bored or look away when you talk. If you share something good, they might change the subject.
They only join in when it helps them.
They pull away when you need help.
You feel alone, even if they are there.
This can make you wonder if you matter. It can hurt your self-esteem.
Fishing for Compliments
They often want compliments by saying they are not good at things. They hope you will say nice things to make them feel better. For example, they might say, “I’m not good at anything,” so you will praise them.
Characteristic | Description |
|---|---|
Self-centeredness | Covert narcissists do not care about others and want praise. |
Passive-aggressive | They show anger in sneaky, indirect ways. |
Wanting praise all the time is a big sign of self-centeredness. It is another way they try to control relationships.
Boundary Issues
Ignoring Limits
Covert passive aggressive narcissists often do not respect your boundaries. They use tricks like “forgetting” or saying things with double meanings to cross your lines. You might feel weird but not know what to do.
They forget what they promised.
They use body language to break your rules.
You see them use social triangulation or watch you online.
These things make you feel unsafe and break trust.
Testing Patience
They test your patience with sneaky behaviors. They do not argue but use silence or ignore your needs. Sometimes, they interrupt or talk about things that do not matter.
They seem happy when you get confused.
You might see them smile when you are hurt.
They change topics fast to stay in control.
This can leave you tired and unsure of yourself.
Disregarding Needs
A covert passive aggressive narcissist often ignores what you need. They use guilt or act weak to get their way. You feel like your feelings do not count.
They ruin your requests.
They make you feel like you must keep them happy.
Your needs are always less important than theirs.
These are common Signs of a Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist. They can hurt your well-being.
Gaslighting
Minimizing Feelings
Gaslighting is a strong tool for covert passive aggressive narcissists. They make your feelings seem small so you doubt yourself. You might hear, “You’re too sensitive,” or see them joke to put you down.
They use secret words to make you feel less sure.
They blame you for their own worries.
Their compliments sound mean or fake.
This can mean they give you a compliment but sound rude, make a joke about you with a mean look, or use secret words to make you feel bad.
You start to doubt what you feel and lose trust in yourself.
Twisting Truth
They change the truth to make you confused and unsure. They act like a victim to avoid blame and get others to feel sorry for them. You end up feeling guilty and think you must make them happy.
They change stories so you doubt your memories.
Gaslighting makes you question your own life.
Changing the truth makes you feel lost and unsure.
This trick is a big sign of gaslighting. It can really hurt your mental health.
Blaming Others
Covert passive aggressive narcissists almost never say they are wrong. They blame others for their problems and say their mistakes are your fault. You may feel like everything is your fault, even when it is not.
They do not take the blame.
They make you feel bad for what they do.
You start to doubt your own choices.
These gaslighting tricks are strong Signs of a Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist. Knowing them helps you keep your boundaries and trust yourself.
Withdrawal
Shutting Down
Sometimes, a person stops talking or sharing feelings. This is called withdrawal. Covert passive aggressive narcissists do this when they feel ignored or criticized. You might see them go quiet or avoid looking at you.
They may leave the room without saying anything. Their silence can make you feel nervous or think you did something wrong. They use this to confuse you and make you want their attention.
They want attention but then pull away from everyone.
Sometimes, they say they might hurt themselves to upset you.
Their actions make you question yourself.
Refusing to Communicate
Not talking is a strong passive aggressive move. Instead of solving problems, they stay silent to punish you. You may feel lost and try to guess what happened. This keeps you confused and lets them stay in control.
Behavior Type | Description |
|---|---|
They stop talking to punish you without being openly mean. |
You might try to fix things, but they do not talk. This makes you feel weak and mixed up.
Using Distance
Covert passive aggressive narcissists keep away to protect themselves. You may see them pull back when you need help. They might not spend time with you or act cold when it matters. This makes you feel left out and lonely. After a while, you wonder if you did something wrong.
Jealousy
Downplaying Achievements
When you share good news, they do not seem happy. They might change the subject or shrug. Covert passive aggressive narcissists often make your wins seem small. They may say, “Anyone could do that,” or compare you to others. This makes you feel less proud and more unsure.
Form of Jealousy | Description |
|---|---|
Comparison | They often compare themselves to others and feel jealous. |
Veiled Criticism | They hide jealousy by making small, mean comments. |
Competitiveness
You may see them try to beat you in daily life. If you get praise, they want more. If you do well, they try to do better. Their need to win is not always easy to see. Sometimes, they use sarcasm or sneaky compliments to show they feel jealous.
Form of Jealousy | Description |
|---|---|
Chronic Envy | They feel jealous of others’ success but do not say it. |
Existential Envy | They get jealous when others have purpose, which makes them compete. |
Resentment
They get upset when others do well. Instead of being happy for you, they act cold or ignore you. Their resentment shows in small, mean comments or by not caring about your wins.
Form of Jealousy | Description |
|---|---|
Subtle Resentment | They show jealousy by acting in sneaky, mean ways. |
Emotional Manipulation | They use guilt, act like a victim, or make small mean comments to show jealousy. |
Inconsistency
Hot-and-Cold
Their moods can be confusing. One day, they are nice and helpful. The next day, they ignore you or act cold. This hot-and-cold behavior keeps you guessing. You never know what will happen, so you feel nervous.
They make relationships shaky but keep control.
Their actions make you feel confused and unsure.
Mood Swings
Mood swings are common for covert passive aggressive narcissists. They can go from happy to angry very fast. Their feelings get hurt easily. You may feel like their mood changes are your fault, even if you did nothing.
They act like a victim to avoid blame.
Their actions hide deeper feelings of shame.
Unreliable Support
Sometimes, they help you, but then they disappear. Their help is not steady. When you need them most, they pull away or make excuses. This makes you feel like you cannot trust them.
They make you depend on them by acting like a victim.
They always feel wronged, so they do not take blame.
If you notice these things, you are not alone. These are big Signs of a Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist. Knowing them helps you protect your feelings and set good boundaries.
Real-Life Examples
Workplace
Undermining Colleagues
A coworker might seem nice when you first meet them. They act like they like the same things as you. This makes you feel safe around them. Later, they start acting different. They begin to say small, mean things about your work.
You might hear, “Is that really the best way?” or “I would do it another way.” These words slowly make you feel less sure of yourself. You may start to wonder if you are good at your job.
They quietly question what you do in meetings.
They tell others about your mistakes but never your wins.
They make you doubt yourself without arguing with you.
This kind of behavior makes work feel bad. You might feel alone and worried at your job.
Taking Credit
Some people at work take your ideas and call them their own. They might look shy or say they are not great, but they want people to notice them. You share your project, but later your boss thanks your coworker for the idea. This person does not talk about your part and only talks about what they did.
They say your ideas like they thought of them.
They let others praise them and do not tell the truth.
They use sneaky words to make you look less smart.
You start to feel like no one sees you. The team feels less happy, and people stop trusting each other.
Spreading Rumors
You might hear people talking about you or others behind their backs. Covert passive aggressive narcissists use gossip to hurt people’s names. They tell secrets or change stories to make others look bad. This makes everyone feel tense and not trust each other.
They tell stories that make you worry about your friends.
They use secrets to change how people see you.
They make people fight instead of work together.
If you see these things, you might be seeing Signs of a Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist at work.
Family & Relationships
Emotional Blackmail
In families, emotional blackmail often looks like guilt. You might feel like you must make your parent or partner happy. They say things like, “After all I’ve done for you, you owe me.” This makes you feel stuck. You may not speak up because you do not want to fight.
You feel scared to share your feelings.
You worry about making them upset.
You do things because you feel guilty, not because you want to.
This can go on for years and make you feel bad about yourself.
Conditional Love
Love can feel shaky if it depends on what you do for someone. A covert passive aggressive narcissist may only be nice if you agree with them. If you say no or set rules, they stop being kind. You learn to do what they want so things stay calm.
Relationship Pattern | Description |
|---|---|
Conditional Acceptance | They only love you if you do what they want. |
Emotional Withdrawal | They stop being nice when you stand up for yourself. |
Unstable Connection | You never know if they care about you. |
You may start to wonder if you are good enough and feel nervous in the relationship.
Sibling Rivalry
Brothers and sisters can have problems when one is picked as the favorite. The narcissist might compare you to your siblings and make you feel jealous. You might hear, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” This makes you want to win instead of be close.
Some kids get called the “golden child” and others the “scapegoat.”
Brothers and sisters try to get the most praise.
The family stops feeling close.
After a while, these things can make you feel alone, worried, and not good about yourself. Seeing these signs can help you stay safe and have better relationships.
Conclusion
Noticing the 33 signs of a covert passive aggressive narcissist can help you keep your mind healthy. You might see things like guilt-tripping, silent treatment, or sneaky sabotage. These signs can happen at work, with family, or with friends. If you see these actions, you can make strong rules and believe in your own feelings.
Watch out for these warning signs. You should always get respect and truth in every relationship.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What makes covert passive aggressive narcissists hard to spot?
They act quietly instead of making a scene. They keep their real feelings hidden. You might see sarcasm, silent treatment, or guilt-tripping. These things can make you feel confused and doubt yourself.
Can someone show these signs without having narcissistic personality disorder?
Yes. Many people have some of these traits but do not have the disorder. You may notice passive aggression or self-centeredness. Only a mental health expert can say if someone has the disorder.
Are these behaviors common in workplaces?
You can see these signs at work. Coworkers might try to hurt you, take your ideas, or start rumors. These actions make teamwork and trust weaker. Pay attention and write down what happens.
What should I do if a family member acts this way?
You can share your feelings with them. Set rules and follow them. If things do not get better, think about family counseling. Take care of your mental health first.
How does passive aggression differ from direct aggression?
Passive aggression uses sneaky actions like sarcasm or ignoring you. Direct aggression uses open anger or threats. Passive aggression is harder to spot and can make you feel confused.
What are the most important signs to watch for?
Watch for guilt-tripping, silent treatment, backhanded jokes, and emotional withdrawal. These signs often show up together. Trust yourself if you feel something is wrong.