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Covert Narcissism: Unmasking the Silent Destroyers

Beware The Silent Destroyers: Unmasking Covert Narcissism

Why Veterans Face Higher Suicide Rates: A Closer Look by Som Dutt From https://embraceinnerchaos.com

Last updated on December 18th, 2024 at 03:59 am

Narcissism has become a buzzword in recent years, but its impact on relationships and mental health is far from trivial. According to recent studies, approximately 6% of the population exhibits narcissistic personality traits, with covert narcissism being particularly insidious. These “silent destroyers” operate beneath the radar, leaving a trail of emotional devastation in their wake.

The effects of covert narcissism can be devastating. Research shows that individuals who have been in relationships with covert narcissists often experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, and anxiety. In fact, a study published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology found that 81% of people who had been in relationships with narcissists reported significant emotional trauma.

As we delve into the world of covert narcissism, we’ll uncover the hidden signs, explore the psychological impact, and provide strategies for recognizing and dealing with these master manipulators. Whether you’re a survivor, a concerned friend, or simply curious about this complex personality disorder, this exploration will shed light on the silent destroyers among us.

1. Understanding Covert Narcissism: The Hidden Face of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

1.1 Defining Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable narcissism, is a subtype of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Unlike their grandiose counterparts, covert narcissists operate in subtle, less obvious ways. They may appear shy, self-effacing, or even empathetic on the surface, but beneath this facade lies a core of deep-seated insecurity and a desperate need for admiration and control.

Dr. Craig Malkin, a Harvard Medical School instructor and author, describes covert narcissists as “stealth narcissists” who are just as self-absorbed as their overt counterparts but express it differently. These individuals often use passive-aggressive behaviors, silent treatment, and subtle manipulation to assert their perceived superiority and maintain control over others.

1.2 The Psychological Roots of Covert Narcissism

The origins of covert narcissism, like many personality disorders, can be traced back to childhood experiences and environmental factors. Psychologists believe that a combination of genetic predisposition and early life experiences contribute to the development of this complex disorder.

Childhood trauma, neglect, or inconsistent parenting can lead to the formation of a fragile self-esteem that the individual desperately tries to protect and bolster through narcissistic behaviors. In the case of covert narcissists, this manifests as a constant need for validation and admiration, coupled with a deep-seated fear of rejection or criticism.

1.3 The Difference Between Overt and Covert Narcissism

While both overt and covert narcissists share core traits of narcissistic personality disorder, their expressions of these traits differ significantly. Overt narcissists are typically loud, boastful, and openly demanding of attention. They exude confidence and charisma, often dominating social situations with their grandiose behavior.

Covert narcissists, on the other hand, are more subtle in their approach. They may appear shy, modest, or even self-deprecating at times. However, this is often a carefully crafted persona designed to elicit sympathy and admiration from others. Behind this mask lies the same sense of entitlement and need for admiration that characterizes all forms of narcissism.

1.4 The Impact of Covert Narcissism on Relationships

The effects of covert narcissism on relationships can be devastating. These individuals often form relationships based on manipulation and control rather than genuine emotional connection. They may use tactics such as guilt-tripping, silent treatment, or passive-aggressive behavior to maintain power over their partners.

According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, relationships with covert narcissists are characterized by low levels of commitment and high levels of game-playing. This creates an unstable and emotionally draining environment for their partners, often leading to feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and emotional exhaustion.

2. Recognizing the Signs: Unmasking the Covert Narcissist

2.1 Subtle Manipulation Tactics

Covert narcissists are masters of subtle manipulation. They often use guilt, shame, and obligation to control others. For instance, they might make seemingly innocent comments that undermine your confidence or use backhanded compliments to keep you off-balance. These tactics are designed to maintain their perceived superiority while avoiding direct confrontation.

One common tactic is “gaslighting,” where the narcissist denies or distorts reality to make you doubt your own perceptions. This can be particularly damaging, as it erodes your sense of self and reality over time. If you find yourself constantly questioning your own memory or perceptions in a relationship, it may be a sign of covert narcissistic manipulation.

2.2 The Victim Mentality

A hallmark of covert narcissism is the tendency to play the victim. These individuals often portray themselves as misunderstood, persecuted, or unfairly treated by the world. This victim mentality serves several purposes: it garners sympathy and attention, deflects responsibility for their actions, and manipulates others into catering to their needs.

For example, a covert narcissist might constantly complain about how unfairly they’re treated at work, using this narrative to justify their poor performance or mistreatment of colleagues. This behavior can be particularly confusing for those around them, as it contradicts the narcissist’s underlying belief in their own superiority.

2.3 Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is a common tool in the covert narcissist’s arsenal. Instead of expressing anger or dissatisfaction directly, they might use subtle jabs, silent treatment, or “forgetting” to do important tasks as a form of retaliation. This indirect expression of hostility allows them to maintain their facade of innocence while still exerting control over others.

For instance, a covert narcissist might agree to attend an event that’s important to you, only to “forget” about it at the last minute. This allows them to assert their control over your emotions while maintaining plausible deniability. Recognizing these patterns is crucial in identifying the subtle signs of covert narcissism.

2.4 Envy and Competitiveness

While covert narcissists may not openly brag about their achievements, they often harbor intense feelings of envy towards others. This envy may manifest as subtle put-downs, attempts to sabotage others’ success, or a constant need to one-up others in conversation. They might downplay others’ accomplishments or find ways to redirect attention back to themselves.

This competitive nature stems from their deep-seated insecurity and need for superiority. Understanding this aspect of covert narcissism can help you recognize why these individuals might react negatively to your successes or constantly try to outdo you in various aspects of life.

3. The Psychological Impact: Understanding the Damage Caused by Covert Narcissists

3.1 Emotional Manipulation and Its Effects

The emotional manipulation employed by covert narcissists can have profound and long-lasting effects on their victims. Constant exposure to gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and other manipulative tactics can lead to a state of confusion and self-doubt known as “cognitive dissonance.” Victims often find themselves constantly second-guessing their own perceptions and feelings.

This persistent state of uncertainty can lead to anxiety, depression, and even symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). According to a study published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology, individuals who have been in relationships with narcissists often experience significant emotional trauma, with many reporting symptoms similar to those seen in combat veterans.

Covert Narcissism: Unmasking the Silent Destroyers
-By Som Dutt from https://embraceinnerchaos.com
Covert Narcissism: Unmasking the Silent Destroyers
-By Som Dutt from https://embraceinnerchaos.com

3.2 The Erosion of Self-Esteem

One of the most insidious effects of covert narcissistic abuse is the gradual erosion of the victim’s self-esteem. Through constant criticism, subtle put-downs, and devaluation, covert narcissists chip away at their partner’s sense of self-worth. This process is often so gradual that the victim may not realize how much their confidence has been undermined until they’re deep in the throes of the toxic relationship.

The impact on self-esteem can be long-lasting, affecting future relationships and personal growth. Many survivors of narcissistic abuse report struggling with feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt long after the relationship has ended. Understanding the long-term psychological impact of narcissistic abuse is crucial for healing and recovery.

3.3 The Cycle of Abuse and Trauma Bonding

Relationships with covert narcissists often follow a predictable cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard. In the beginning, the narcissist may shower their partner with attention and affection, creating a strong emotional bond. This is followed by a period of subtle devaluation and emotional abuse, leaving the victim confused and desperate to regain the narcissist’s approval.

This cycle can lead to a phenomenon known as trauma bonding, where the victim becomes emotionally attached to their abuser. The intermittent reinforcement of positive and negative behaviors creates a powerful psychological dependency, making it difficult for victims to leave the relationship. Recognizing these patterns is essential in breaking the cycle of narcissistic abuse.

3.4 The Impact on Mental Health

The cumulative effect of covert narcissistic abuse on mental health can be severe. Victims often report experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, and complex PTSD. The constant state of hypervigilance required to navigate the narcissist’s unpredictable moods and behaviors can lead to chronic stress and its associated health problems.

Moreover, the isolation that often occurs in these relationships, as the narcissist systematically separates their victim from friends and family, can exacerbate mental health issues. Many survivors find themselves struggling with trust issues and difficulty forming healthy relationships long after the narcissistic relationship has ended.

4. Strategies for Dealing with Covert Narcissists: Protecting Yourself and Setting Boundaries

4.1 Recognizing and Acknowledging the Problem

The first step in dealing with a covert narcissist is recognizing the problem. This can be challenging, as their manipulative behaviors are often subtle and can make you doubt your own perceptions. Educating yourself about the signs and patterns of covert narcissism is crucial. Understanding the surprising signs of narcissism can help you identify these behaviors in your relationships.

Once you’ve recognized the patterns, it’s important to acknowledge the impact they’ve had on you. This might involve coming to terms with the fact that someone you care about has been manipulating and abusing you. While this realization can be painful, it’s a necessary step towards healing and protecting yourself.

4.2 Setting and Enforcing Boundaries

Setting clear, firm boundaries is essential when dealing with a covert narcissist. This involves identifying your limits and communicating them clearly and consistently. Remember, narcissists often push boundaries to see what they can get away with, so it’s important to be firm and consistent in enforcing your boundaries.

For example, if the narcissist frequently uses guilt to manipulate you, you might set a boundary by saying, “I’m not responsible for your feelings, and I won’t let you make me feel guilty for things that aren’t my fault.” Be prepared for pushback, as narcissists often react negatively to boundaries that limit their control.

4.3 Developing Emotional Independence

One of the most effective ways to protect yourself from a covert narcissist is to develop emotional independence. This involves learning to validate your own feelings and experiences without relying on external approval. Practice self-affirmation and self-care to build your emotional resilience.

Cultivating a strong support network outside of the narcissistic relationship is also crucial. Reconnect with friends and family members who can offer emotional support and a reality check when you’re doubting yourself. Consider seeking professional help from a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse to guide you through this process.

Covert Narcissism: Unmasking the Silent Destroyers
-By Som Dutt from https://embraceinnerchaos.com
Covert Narcissism: Unmasking the Silent Destroyers
-By Som Dutt from https://embraceinnerchaos.com

4.4 The Gray Rock Method

The Gray Rock Method is a technique often recommended for dealing with narcissists when no-contact isn’t possible. This approach involves making yourself as uninteresting and unreactive as possible, like a gray rock. The goal is to deprive the narcissist of the emotional reactions they feed on.

When using this method, keep your responses brief, factual, and devoid of emotion. Avoid sharing personal information or engaging in emotional discussions. While this technique can be effective, it’s important to use it judiciously, as it can be emotionally draining over time.

5. Healing from Covert Narcissistic Abuse: The Road to Recovery

5.1 Acknowledging the Abuse and Its Impact

The first step in healing from covert narcissistic abuse is acknowledging what you’ve been through. This can be challenging, as the subtle nature of covert narcissism often leaves victims questioning their own experiences. It’s important to validate your feelings and recognize that the abuse was real, regardless of how skillfully it was disguised.

Take time to reflect on how the abuse has affected you emotionally, mentally, and even physically. Recognizing the signs of narcissistic abuse can help you understand your experiences and begin the healing process. Remember, healing is not linear, and it’s okay to have good days and bad days.

5.2 Rebuilding Self-Esteem and Self-Trust

Covert narcissistic abuse often leaves deep scars on your self-esteem and ability to trust your own judgment. Rebuilding these fundamental aspects of your psyche is crucial for healing. Start by challenging negative self-talk and replacing it with positive affirmations. Celebrate your strengths and accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem.

Practice self-compassion and treat yourself with the kindness you would show a good friend. Engage in activities that make you feel competent and valued.




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Frequently Asked Questions

How Does Covert Narcissism Differ From Overt Narcissism?

Covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable narcissism, is a less obvious form of narcissistic personality disorder. Unlike overt narcissists who display grandiose behavior, covert narcissists tend to be more introverted and self-effacing on the surface. They often use subtle manipulation tactics, play the victim, and employ passive-aggressive behaviors to maintain control.

While both types share a core of deep-seated insecurity, covert narcissists mask their true nature behind a facade of humility, making them harder to identify and potentially more damaging in relationships. This subtle presentation can make covert narcissism particularly challenging to recognize and address, often leading to prolonged emotional distress for those involved with such individuals.

What Are The Common Signs Of A Covert Narcissist In A Relationship?

Identifying a covert narcissist in a relationship can be challenging due to their subtle manipulation tactics. Common signs include constant victimhood, where they portray themselves as misunderstood or persecuted. They may use passive-aggressive behavior, giving silent treatment or withholding affection as punishment. Covert narcissists often engage in gaslighting, making their partners doubt their own perceptions.

These individuals typically have a fragile sense of self-esteem, reacting poorly to criticism, and may display envy towards their partner’s achievements. Additionally, they might use guilt as a tool for manipulation, making their partner feel responsible for their emotional state. The cumulative effect of these behaviors can create a toxic relationship dynamic, where the partner of the covert narcissist feels constantly off-balance and emotionally drained.

How Does Gaslighting Manifest In Covert Narcissistic Relationships?

Gaslighting is a hallmark of covert narcissistic abuse, used to maintain control and undermine their partner’s sense of reality. In these relationships, the narcissist may deny saying or doing things, even when there’s clear evidence to the contrary. They might trivialize their partner’s feelings or experiences, saying things like “You’re too sensitive” or “That never happened.” Covert narcissists often rewrite history to suit their narrative, causing their partners to question their own memories.

This constant gaslighting can lead to anxiety, depression, and a loss of self-confidence in the victim. The goal is to keep the partner off-balance and dependent on the narcissist’s version of reality. Over time, this manipulation can erode the victim’s sense of self and their ability to trust their own perceptions, making it increasingly difficult to recognize and escape the abusive dynamic.

What Impact Does Growing Up With A Covert Narcissist Parent Have On Children?

Growing up with a covert narcissist parent can have profound and long-lasting effects on a child’s psychological development. Children in these environments often struggle with low self-esteem and a distorted sense of self-worth. They may develop people-pleasing tendencies, always striving for the elusive approval of their parent. The constant emotional manipulation and lack of empathy from the parent can lead to difficulties in forming healthy relationships later in life.

These children might also internalize the belief that their needs and feelings are not important, leading to challenges in setting boundaries and asserting themselves as adults. The effects can manifest as anxiety, depression, and even the development of narcissistic traits themselves as a coping mechanism. The long-term impact often requires professional help to overcome and can influence various aspects of adult life, from career choices to personal relationships.

How Can Someone Protect Themselves From A Covert Narcissist’s Manipulation Tactics?

Protecting oneself from a covert narcissist’s manipulation requires awareness, strong boundaries, and self-care. First and foremost, it’s crucial to educate yourself about covert narcissism and its tactics. Learn to recognize gaslighting, emotional manipulation, and passive-aggressive behaviors. Establish and maintain firm boundaries, clearly communicating what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.

Practice self-validation to counteract the narcissist’s attempts to undermine your reality. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse. Document incidents of manipulation to maintain your grip on reality. Most importantly, prioritize your mental health and well-being, even if it means limiting or ending contact with the covert narcissist.

What Are The Challenges In Diagnosing Covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Diagnosing Covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder presents unique challenges due to its subtle nature. Unlike overt narcissism, which is characterized by grandiose behavior, covert narcissism often masquerades as shyness or humility. This can lead to misdiagnosis or overlooking the condition entirely. Covert narcissists are adept at presenting a false self to the world, including to mental health professionals.

They may portray themselves as victims, making it difficult to discern their manipulative behaviors. Additionally, many covert narcissists are reluctant to seek help, believing their problems stem from others rather than themselves. The lack of self-awareness and tendency to project their issues onto others further complicates the diagnostic process, often requiring extended observation and skilled professional assessment to accurately identify the disorder.

How Does Covert Narcissism Manifest In The Workplace?

Covert narcissism in the workplace can create a toxic environment that’s often hard to pinpoint. These individuals may present themselves as team players while subtly undermining colleagues. They might take credit for others’ work or manipulate situations to make themselves look better. Covert narcissists often use passive-aggressive tactics, such as withholding information or giving backhanded compliments.

They may play the victim when faced with criticism or challenges, deflecting responsibility and blaming others for their shortcomings. In leadership positions, they might micromanage or create an atmosphere of fear and insecurity among their subordinates. Their behavior can lead to decreased morale, productivity, and high turnover rates in the workplace, making it crucial for organizations to recognize and address these destructive patterns.

What Role Does Envy Play In Covert Narcissistic Behavior?

Envy plays a significant role in covert narcissistic behavior, often serving as a driving force behind their actions. Covert narcissists tend to harbor deep-seated feelings of inadequacy, which manifest as intense envy towards others’ successes or positive attributes. This envy can lead to passive-aggressive behaviors, subtle put-downs, or attempts to diminish others’ achievements. They might react to others’ good fortune with feigned indifference or thinly veiled criticism.

In relationships, this envy can manifest as controlling behavior or attempts to sabotage their partner’s success. The covert narcissist’s envy is often accompanied by a sense of entitlement, believing they deserve the success or admiration that others receive. This complex interplay of envy and entitlement fuels many of their manipulative behaviors and can create a toxic environment for those around them.

How Does Covert Narcissism Affect Intimate Relationships?

Covert narcissism can have a devastating impact on intimate relationships, often leading to emotional abuse and manipulation. In these relationships, the narcissist may initially present as caring and attentive, but over time, their true nature emerges. They might use subtle tactics to undermine their partner’s self-esteem, such as constant criticism disguised as “helpful advice.” Covert narcissists often employ emotional manipulation, using guilt or silent treatment to control their partners.

They may struggle with intimacy, alternating between clinginess and emotional distance. Their need for admiration and validation can drain their partner emotionally. The relationship often becomes one-sided, with the narcissist’s needs taking precedence, leaving their partner feeling neglected and unimportant. This dynamic can lead to a gradual erosion of the partner’s self-worth and independence, making it challenging to maintain a healthy, balanced relationship.

What Are The Long-Term Effects Of Being In A Relationship With A Covert Narcissist?

The long-term effects of being in a relationship with a covert narcissist can be profound and far-reaching. Victims often experience a significant erosion of self-esteem and self-worth due to constant subtle put-downs and manipulation. They may develop anxiety, depression, or symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The gaslighting and emotional abuse can lead to a distorted sense of reality, making it difficult for victims to trust their own perceptions even after the relationship ends.

Many survivors struggle with setting boundaries and may be more vulnerable to future abusive relationships. The experience can also result in chronic stress, leading to physical health problems. Recovery often requires professional help and a significant period of healing and self-rediscovery, as individuals work to rebuild their sense of self and relearn healthy relationship patterns.

How Can Therapy Help Someone Recover From Covert Narcissistic Abuse?

Therapy plays a crucial role in helping individuals recover from covert narcissistic abuse. A skilled therapist can provide a safe space for survivors to process their experiences and validate their emotions. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be particularly effective in challenging and reframing the negative thought patterns instilled by the narcissist. Trauma-focused therapies, such as EMDR, may help in processing traumatic memories associated with the abuse.

Therapy can also assist in rebuilding self-esteem, setting healthy boundaries, and developing trust in oneself and others. Group therapy or support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse can provide additional validation and community support. The therapeutic process often involves grieving the loss of the relationship and rediscovering one’s identity outside of the narcissist’s influence, leading to personal growth and empowerment.

What Are The Differences Between Male And Female Covert Narcissists?

While narcissistic traits can manifest in any gender, there are some observed differences between male and female covert narcissists. Research suggests that female covert narcissists may be more likely to express their narcissism through relational aggression, such as spreading rumors or excluding others socially. They might also be more prone to using their children as sources of narcissistic supply. Male covert narcissists, on the other hand, may be more likely to express their narcissism through passive-aggressive behaviors in the workplace or by undermining their partner’s achievements.

Both genders may use victimhood as a manipulation tactic, but the contexts in which they do so might differ based on societal expectations and gender roles. It’s important to note that these differences are generalizations and individual variations exist. Understanding these potential gender-based expressions can aid in identifying and addressing covert narcissistic behavior in various contexts.

How Does Social Media Influence Covert Narcissistic Behavior?

Social media provides a unique platform for covert narcissists to fulfill their need for admiration while maintaining their facade of humility. On these platforms, covert narcissists might engage in “humble bragging” or share posts that subtly seek validation and sympathy. They may curate their online presence to portray themselves as victims or unsung heroes. Social media also allows them to monitor and potentially manipulate their image and relationships more easily.

They might use these platforms for passive-aggressive behaviors, such as vague-posting or selectively interacting with posts to provoke jealousy or anxiety in others. The constant comparison and validation-seeking behavior on social media can exacerbate their narcissistic tendencies and negatively impact their real-world relationships. This digital environment provides a new arena for covert narcissists to exercise their manipulative tactics, often with a wider audience and more subtle methods.

What Are The Challenges In Co-Parenting With A Covert Narcissist?

Co-parenting with a covert narcissist presents numerous challenges due to their manipulative nature and lack of empathy. These individuals may use the children as pawns in their games, attempting to turn them against the other parent through subtle manipulation or guilt. They might undermine the other parent’s authority or decisions, creating confusion and instability for the children. Covert narcissists often struggle with setting aside their own needs for the benefit of their children, leading to inconsistent parenting.

They may also use the children as sources of narcissistic supply, placing inappropriate emotional burdens on them. Communication with a covert narcissist co-parent can be fraught with passive-aggressive behavior, gaslighting, and attempts to control or manipulate situations. Establishing and maintaining clear boundaries and focusing on the children’s well-being is crucial in these situations, often requiring professional mediation or legal intervention to ensure a healthy co-parenting environment.

How Can Someone Identify If They Have Covert Narcissistic Traits Themselves?

Identifying covert narcissistic traits in oneself can be challenging due to the nature of the disorder, which often involves a lack of self-awareness. However, some signs to look out for include a persistent feeling of being underappreciated or misunderstood, difficulty accepting criticism, a tendency to feel envious of others’ successes, and a pattern of passive-aggressive behavior in relationships. If you find yourself often playing the victim or struggling with genuine empathy for others, these could be indicators.

Covert narcissists might also notice a discrepancy between their private thoughts of superiority and their public persona of humility. It’s important to note that having some of these traits doesn’t necessarily mean one has a personality disorder. Professional assessment is crucial for an accurate diagnosis and appropriate treatment if needed. Self-reflection and a willingness to seek help are positive steps towards personal growth and healthier relationships.

What Are The Cultural Differences In The Manifestation Of Covert Narcissism?

The manifestation of covert narcissism can vary significantly across different cultures due to varying social norms and values. In collectivist cultures, where group harmony is prioritized, covert narcissism might manifest more subtly, with individuals seeking admiration through self-sacrifice or playing the role of the “silent sufferer.” In individualistic cultures, it might appear as a constant need for validation of one’s uniqueness or special talents. Cultural attitudes towards humility and self-promotion can also influence how covert narcissism is expressed.

For instance, in cultures that value modesty, covert narcissists might be more likely to seek admiration through false humility or by positioning themselves as unsung heroes. The way mental health is perceived and discussed in different cultures can also affect how covert narcissism is recognized and addressed. These cultural nuances highlight the importance of considering cultural context when identifying and treating covert narcissistic traits.

How Does Covert Narcissism Intersect With Other Mental Health Conditions?

Covert narcissism often intersects with other mental health conditions, complicating diagnosis and treatment. Research indicates that individuals with covert narcissistic traits may be more prone to depression and anxiety disorders. The constant need for validation and fear of criticism can lead to social anxiety, while the discrepancy between their grandiose self-image and reality can contribute to depressive symptoms.

About the Author :

Som Dutt, Top writer in Philosophy & Psychology on Medium.com. I make people Think, Relate, Feel & Move. Let's Embrace Inner Chaos and Appreciate Deep, Novel & Heavy Thoughts.

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