Last updated on May 1st, 2025 at 03:55 pm
Holidays are supposed to be a time for joy, connection, and celebration. But if you’re dealing with a covert narcissist during holidays, you might notice something feels… off. They don’t openly demand attention, but their subtle actions can leave you emotionally drained.
Maybe it’s the way they quietly withdraw or how they stir up tension without saying much. These behaviors aren’t random—they’re driven by a deep need for control and validation, especially when the spotlight isn’t on them.
Have you ever felt like someone was quietly sabotaging the holiday cheer? That’s often how covert narcissists operate. They thrive on creating emotional undercurrents that disrupt the harmony around them. Understanding these patterns can help you protect your peace and enjoy the holidays without falling into their traps.
Key Takeaways
Covert narcissists feel upset during holidays when attention isn’t on them. This can lead to emotional tricks.
They might cause problems by talking to some family members but ignoring others, making people feel left out.
Watch for sneaky, mean comments that sound nice but make you doubt yourself.
They often create drama or fights to get everyone’s attention, ruining the holiday mood.
When they give gifts, it might be to control or trick you, not out of real kindness.
It’s important to set rules. Spend less time with them and take care of yourself at gatherings.
Notice their actions, like pouting or staying quiet, as ways to control feelings and get sympathy.
Focus on your happiness and don’t expect too much from them. You’re not in charge of their feelings; enjoy the holidays for yourself.
Why Covert Narcissists Act Differently During Holidays
Psychological Triggers During Festive Seasons
Amplified Insecurities Due To Holiday Dynamics
Holidays often bring out the best in people, but for a covert narcissist during holidays, they can amplify deep-seated insecurities. Festive gatherings highlight themes like love, generosity, and togetherness—qualities that covert narcissists struggle to genuinely connect with. Instead of feeling joy, they may experience heightened feelings of unworthiness. Why? Because the focus shifts away from them and onto shared happiness.
Research shows that covert narcissists often feel emotionally threatened during these times. Family dynamics, financial pressures, and even the cheerful atmosphere can act as triggers. They might interpret someone else’s joy as a reminder of their own emotional void. This can lead them to seek validation in unhealthy ways, like subtly undermining others or creating tension to regain a sense of control.
Struggles With Shared Happiness And Family Focus
For many, holidays are about celebrating connections. But for a covert narcissist, the spotlight on family and shared happiness can feel like a personal affront. They thrive on being the center of attention, and when the focus shifts to group activities or someone else’s achievements, it can leave them feeling sidelined.
This struggle often manifests in subtle ways. For example, they might downplay the significance of a family tradition or make passive-aggressive comments about someone else’s contributions. These behaviors aren’t random—they’re calculated attempts to redirect attention back to themselves. As a result, what should be a time of joy can quickly turn into an emotional minefield.
The Need For Control And Attention
How Holidays Challenge Their Dominance
Holidays can be a covert narcissist’s worst nightmare because they challenge their need for dominance. Festive gatherings often involve shared decision-making, whether it’s about meal planning, gift exchanges, or family traditions. This collaborative environment can feel like a loss of control for them.
To regain their sense of power, they might resort to micromanaging holiday plans or creating last-minute changes that disrupt the flow. These actions aren’t just about control—they’re also about asserting dominance in a setting where they feel overshadowed. By keeping others on edge, they ensure that the focus remains on them, even if it’s for the wrong reasons.
Why They Seek To Redirect Focus Onto Themselves
A covert narcissist during holidays often feels an intense need to redirect the spotlight onto themselves. This isn’t just about craving attention; it’s about filling an emotional void. They might use tactics like playing the victim, exaggerating personal struggles, or even creating minor conflicts to draw sympathy.
For instance, they might suddenly bring up a past grievance during a family dinner or feign illness to shift the focus. These behaviors serve a dual purpose: they disrupt the harmony of the gathering and ensure that their needs take precedence over everyone else’s. It’s a calculated move to regain the validation they feel they’re missing.
Emotional Manipulation Tactics Of Covert Narcissists During Holidays
The Subtle Art Of Holiday Mood Control
Creating Tension Through Selective Engagement
Have you ever noticed someone at a holiday gathering who seems to pick and choose when to participate, leaving others feeling uneasy? That’s a classic move by a covert narcissist during holidays. They might engage warmly with one person while ignoring another, creating an unspoken tension in the room. This selective engagement isn’t random—it’s a way to control the emotional atmosphere.
For example, they might lavish praise on one family member’s cooking while completely ignoring someone else’s contributions. This subtle favoritism can spark feelings of inadequacy or competition among others. It’s their way of stirring the pot without ever appearing overtly confrontational. You might find yourself wondering, “Did I do something wrong?” when, in reality, they’re orchestrating these dynamics to keep everyone on edge.
Weaponizing Holiday Stress As Control Mechanism
Holidays can be stressful, but a covert narcissist knows how to turn that stress into a weapon. They might offer unsolicited advice about your holiday preparations, disguised as concern. “Are you sure you want to serve that dish? It’s a bit risky,” they might say, planting seeds of doubt. Suddenly, you’re second-guessing yourself, and the joy of the season feels like a burden.
Many people report feeling a sense of dread before holidays because of this behavior. Forgetfulness, critical remarks, or even last-minute changes can make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. Their actions often shift the focus onto managing their emotions rather than enjoying the festivities. It’s not about the holiday spirit for them—it’s about maintaining control.
Passive-Aggressive Communication Patterns
Backhanded Compliments About Holiday Contributions
“Wow, you actually managed to pull this off! I’m impressed.” Sound familiar? Backhanded compliments are a favorite tool of covert narcissists. These remarks seem positive on the surface but carry an undercurrent of criticism. They might comment on your holiday decorations, saying, “This is so cute—it reminds me of when I first started decorating.” It’s a subtle way of undermining your efforts while appearing supportive.
These comments can leave you feeling deflated, even if you can’t quite put your finger on why. They’re designed to make you question your abilities and seek their approval. Over time, this can chip away at your confidence, making you more susceptible to their influence.
Strategic Silence And Cold Shoulder Techniques
Sometimes, it’s not what they say but what they don’t say that speaks volumes. A covert narcissist might use silence as a weapon, withdrawing from conversations or giving you the cold shoulder. This behavior can create a sense of unease, especially during a time meant for connection and celebration.
Imagine sharing exciting news during a holiday dinner, only to be met with a blank stare or a dismissive response. Their silence isn’t accidental—it’s a calculated move to make you feel ignored or unimportant. This tactic shifts the emotional balance, forcing you to seek their attention or approval, which puts them back in control.
Common Behaviors Of A Covert Narcissist At Holiday Gatherings
Creating Drama To Shift Focus
Stirring Up Conflicts During Gatherings
Have you ever noticed how some people seem to thrive on chaos, especially during festive moments? A covert narcissist during holidays often stirs up conflicts to shift the focus onto themselves. They might bring up sensitive topics at the dinner table or subtly pit family members against each other. For instance, they could say something like, “I’m surprised you didn’t invite Aunt Linda this year. She must feel so left out.” Suddenly, the room feels tense, and everyone’s scrambling to address the issue they’ve planted.
Experts note that narcissists frequently disrupt festive occasions by creating unnecessary drama or acting sullen. They may minimize or trivialize the efforts others have made to celebrate, leaving everyone feeling disappointed. Their lack of empathy often amplifies the sadness in these moments, as they focus solely on their own need for attention and validation. This behavior isn’t accidental—it’s a calculated move to ensure the spotlight never strays too far from them.
Sabotaging Plans To Disrupt Harmony
Planning a holiday gathering can be stressful enough without someone actively working against you. Covert narcissists often sabotage plans to disrupt the harmony of the event. They might “forget” to bring a crucial dish they promised or show up late, throwing the schedule into chaos. Sometimes, they’ll even cancel at the last minute, leaving you scrambling to adjust.
These actions aren’t just inconsiderate—they’re strategic. By creating disruptions, they force others to focus on fixing the problem, which conveniently shifts attention back to them. It’s their way of asserting control over the situation while appearing blameless. You might find yourself wondering, “Why does this always happen when they’re involved?” The answer lies in their need to dominate the emotional atmosphere.
Playing The Victim To Gain Sympathy
Exaggerating Personal Struggles
Covert narcissists have a knack for turning any situation into a sob story about themselves. During the holidays, they might exaggerate their personal struggles to gain sympathy. For example, they could say, “I’ve been so overwhelmed lately, but I didn’t want to let anyone down by not coming.” On the surface, it sounds selfless, but it’s designed to make you feel guilty and shower them with attention.
Studies show that individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) often adopt a victim mentality. They use this tactic to shift blame and maintain their ego. By portraying themselves as the underdog, they ensure that others focus on their needs rather than the celebration at hand. It’s a subtle yet effective way to hijack the emotional tone of the gathering.
Blaming Others For Their Unhappiness
When things don’t go their way, covert narcissists rarely take responsibility. Instead, they blame others for their unhappiness. They might say things like, “I would’ve enjoyed the party more if people had been more considerate of my needs.” This shifts the burden of their emotions onto you, making you feel responsible for their mood.
This behavior often leaves you walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering their dissatisfaction. It’s exhausting and can suck the joy out of what should be a happy occasion. By blaming others, they not only deflect accountability but also manipulate you into prioritizing their feelings over your own.
Gift-Giving As A Psychological Power Play For Covert Narcissists
Gift-giving during the holidays can feel like a warm gesture of love and appreciation. But when a covert narcissist is involved, their presents often come with hidden motives. These gifts aren’t just about generosity—they’re tools for manipulation, designed to control, unsettle, or even humiliate you. Let’s break down how this plays out.
The Hidden Messages Behind Their Holiday Presents
Selecting Gifts That Highlight Recipients’ Insecurities
Have you ever received a gift that made you feel worse about yourself? A covert narcissist might choose presents that subtly poke at your insecurities. For example, they might give you a fitness tracker if you’ve been struggling with body image or a self-help book when you’ve confided about feeling overwhelmed. These gifts aren’t thoughtful—they’re calculated.
Studies show that narcissistic individuals often select gifts based on their own need for admiration, not the recipient’s happiness. They may even use these gifts to remind you of your perceived flaws, making you feel small while they appear “helpful.” It’s a sneaky way to assert dominance and keep you second-guessing yourself.
Using Generosity As A Future Leverage Tool
A covert narcissist’s generosity often comes with strings attached. They might give you an expensive gift, but it’s not out of kindness. It’s an investment. Later, they’ll remind you of their “generosity” to guilt you into doing something for them.
Research highlights how opportunistic narcissists use gift-giving as a manipulation tactic. They keep mental tabs on every favor or present, treating relationships like transactions. So, when they say, “After all I’ve done for you,” it’s not just a casual comment—it’s a calculated move to control you.
Gift-Giving With Hidden Agendas
Giving Gifts With Strings Attached
For a covert narcissist, gifts are rarely just gifts. They’re weapons. Imagine receiving a lavish present, only to find out later that it came with expectations. Maybe they expect you to praise them endlessly or feel obligated to return the favor. One person shared how their narcissistic partner bought them expensive gifts using their own debit card, then sulked when confronted. This isn’t generosity—it’s manipulation.
These tactics create a sense of indebtedness. You might feel trapped, constantly wondering how to repay their “kindness.” It’s exhausting and unfair, but it’s exactly how they maintain control.
Creating Imbalanced Gift Obligations
Covert narcissists often use gift-giving to create an imbalance in relationships. They might give you something extravagant, knowing you can’t match it. This isn’t about being generous—it’s about making you feel inadequate. They thrive on the power dynamic this creates, where you’re left feeling like you owe them.
One telling example comes from someone who described how their narcissistic partner used gifts to flaunt control. The gifts weren’t thoughtful or meaningful—they were tools to highlight the recipient’s financial struggles or inability to reciprocate. This imbalance isn’t accidental. It’s a deliberate strategy to keep you feeling small.
Attention-Seeking Behaviors At Holiday Events
Manufactured Drama At Critical Celebration Moments
Creating Health Concerns Or Emergencies
Ever noticed someone suddenly falling ill or claiming a health scare right before a big holiday event? This is a common tactic used by a covert narcissist during holidays. They might complain about sudden headaches, stomach issues, or even vague symptoms that require immediate attention. These “emergencies” often seem to pop up at the worst possible times—like right before a family dinner or during a gift exchange.
Why do they do this? It’s not about their health; it’s about the attention. By creating a crisis, they ensure everyone’s focus shifts to them. You might find yourself canceling plans or rearranging schedules to accommodate their needs. In my experience working with clients, this behavior often stems from their fear of being overshadowed during moments of shared joy. They use these health concerns as a way to reclaim the spotlight, even if it means disrupting the celebration for everyone else.
Triggering Family Conflicts Before Important Gatherings
Another classic move? Stirring up drama right before the festivities begin. A covert narcissist might bring up old grievances or make passive-aggressive remarks that ignite tension among family members. For example, they might say, “I hope this year’s dinner doesn’t turn into a disaster like last year,” planting seeds of doubt and unease.
This tactic serves two purposes: it destabilizes the emotional atmosphere and ensures that everyone is too distracted to enjoy the event. You might find yourself mediating conflicts or walking on eggshells to avoid further drama. Studies on family dynamics reveal that individuals with narcissistic tendencies often use conflict as a tool to assert control. By keeping everyone emotionally off-balance, they maintain their position as the center of attention.
Competitive Undercurrents With Family Members
Achievement Comparisons During Family Conversations
Holidays often bring families together to share stories and celebrate accomplishments. But for a covert narcissist, these moments can turn into a competition. They might hijack conversations to highlight their own achievements, subtly diminishing others in the process. For instance, if someone shares a promotion, they might respond with, “That’s great, but my project at work is way more challenging.”
This behavior isn’t just annoying—it’s calculated. By steering the conversation toward their own successes, they ensure they remain the focal point. In my years of working with clients, I’ve seen how this constant need for validation can create resentment within families. It’s not about celebrating others; it’s about proving they’re superior.
Diminishing Others’ Holiday Contributions
Have you ever spent hours preparing a holiday meal or decorating the house, only to have someone casually dismiss your efforts? Covert narcissists excel at this. They might say things like, “The decorations are nice, but they’re not as good as last year,” or “The food is fine, but I’ve had better.” These remarks are designed to undermine your confidence and shift the focus back to them.
This behavior often leaves you questioning your abilities and seeking their approval. It’s a subtle form of control that keeps you emotionally dependent on their validation. Research on narcissistic personality traits highlights how individuals use criticism to maintain dominance in social settings. By diminishing others’ contributions, they reinforce their own sense of superiority.
Holiday Planning And Control Mechanisms Of Covert Narcissists
Micromanagement Of Celebration Details
Last-Minute Schedule Changes To Assert Dominance
Have you ever had someone suddenly change plans at the eleventh hour, leaving everyone scrambling? A covert narcissist during holidays thrives on this chaos. They might insist on moving dinner an hour earlier or suggest a completely different venue just as everyone’s about to leave. These last-minute changes aren’t about practicality—they’re about control. By forcing others to adjust, they assert dominance over the situation and ensure that everyone’s focus shifts to them.
This behavior often leaves you feeling frustrated and powerless. You might wonder, “Why didn’t they mention this sooner?” But that’s the point. The unpredictability keeps you on edge, making it harder to enjoy the moment. In my experience working with clients, this tactic is a hallmark of covert narcissists. It’s their way of saying, “I’m in charge here,” without ever saying it outright.
Creating Impossible Expectations For Holiday Execution
Covert narcissists are experts at setting the bar impossibly high. They might demand a picture-perfect holiday dinner, complete with gourmet dishes, flawless decorations, and a schedule that runs like clockwork. But here’s the catch—they rarely lift a finger to help. Instead, they sit back and critique, pointing out every minor flaw. “The turkey’s a little dry,” or “The table setting could’ve been more elegant,” they might say, leaving you feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough.
Why do they do this? It’s not about the holiday itself. It’s about creating a dynamic where you’re constantly seeking their approval. By setting unattainable standards, they ensure you’re too busy trying to meet their expectations to focus on your own joy. It’s exhausting, isn’t it?
Using Traditions As Manipulation Tools
Selective Enforcement Of Family Customs
Traditions are supposed to bring families together, but a covert narcissist uses them as a weapon. They might insist on following certain customs to the letter, only to ignore others entirely. For example, they could demand that everyone attend a specific holiday service because “it’s tradition,” yet conveniently forget about the family game night that everyone else loves. This selective enforcement isn’t random—it’s a way to control the narrative and keep the spotlight on their preferences.
You might find yourself questioning why some traditions matter more than others. The answer lies in their need for control. By dictating which customs are “important,” they position themselves as the gatekeeper of family values. It’s a subtle yet effective way to maintain power over the group.
Rewriting Holiday Histories To Suit Their Narrative
Have you ever heard someone retell a family story in a way that paints them as the hero—or worse, the victim? Covert narcissists excel at rewriting holiday histories to suit their narrative. They might claim they were the only one who cared enough to keep a tradition alive or that they sacrificed everything to make past holidays special. These stories aren’t just exaggerations; they’re tools for manipulation.
A narcissistic grandmother often engages in historical revisionism, rewriting family history to position herself as perpetually self-sacrificing and others as perpetually indebted to her. This revisionism creates a foundation for ongoing manipulation.
This tactic can leave you feeling guilty or even questioning your own memories. “Did I really not contribute enough last year?” you might wonder. But remember, their version of events is carefully crafted to serve their agenda. It’s not about the truth—it’s about control.
Emotional Destabilization Tactics During Holiday Celebrations
Creating Anticipatory Anxiety Before Events
Unpredictable Mood Shifts Throughout Gatherings
Have you ever felt like you’re walking on eggshells around someone during the holidays? A covert narcissist during holidays often keeps everyone guessing with their unpredictable mood swings. One moment, they might seem cheerful and engaged, and the next, they’re distant or irritable. This emotional rollercoaster isn’t random—it’s a way to keep you on edge.
For example, they might start the day with a warm smile, only to suddenly withdraw during dinner, leaving everyone wondering what went wrong. These mood shifts create a sense of tension, making you feel responsible for their happiness. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? But that’s the point. By keeping you focused on their emotions, they maintain control over the atmosphere, ensuring the holiday revolves around them.
Using Past Holiday Conflicts As Emotional Triggers
Covert narcissists have a knack for dredging up old wounds, especially during festive gatherings. They might casually mention a past argument or a time when they felt “unappreciated” during a previous holiday. These comments aren’t innocent—they’re designed to stir up guilt or defensiveness.
Imagine sitting down for a holiday meal, only to hear, “Remember last year when you forgot to invite me to the gift exchange? That really hurt.” Suddenly, the joy of the moment is overshadowed by a need to address their grievances. By bringing up past conflicts, they shift the focus away from the celebration and onto their feelings, ensuring they remain the center of attention.
Withdrawing Or Sulking As Punishment
Silent Treatment To Control The Emotional Atmosphere
Sometimes, it’s not what they say but what they don’t say that speaks the loudest. Covert narcissists often use the silent treatment as a weapon during the holidays. They might withdraw from conversations or avoid eye contact, creating an uncomfortable silence that leaves everyone feeling uneasy.
For instance, they might sit quietly in the corner, refusing to engage, while everyone else is laughing and sharing stories. This behavior isn’t passive—it’s a calculated move to make you question what you did wrong. By withholding their attention, they manipulate the emotional tone of the gathering, ensuring that their absence is felt as strongly as their presence.
Making Others Feel Guilty For Their Withdrawal
When a covert narcissist sulks, it’s rarely subtle. They might sigh loudly, avoid participating in activities, or even leave the room altogether. These actions are designed to make you feel guilty and responsible for their unhappiness.
For example, they might say, “I just don’t feel like I belong here,” or, “I guess no one really cares how I feel.” These statements aren’t cries for help—they’re tools for manipulation. By framing themselves as the victim, they shift the emotional burden onto you, making you feel obligated to “fix” the situation. It’s a clever tactic that keeps the focus squarely on them, even when they’re not actively participating.
Covert narcissists often disrupt happy occasions by sulking or withdrawing, diverting attention to their negative feelings. One example is a partner ruining a significant celebration by being unengaged or irritable. This behavior manipulates the atmosphere, ensuring their emotions dominate the event.
They sulk when their needs aren’t met, aiming to induce guilt and pressure others into compliance.
Sulking becomes a tactic to manipulate emotions and control situations.
Conclusion
Holidays can feel like a battlefield when dealing with a covert narcissist during holidays. Their subtle manipulation and attention-seeking behaviors can leave you emotionally drained. But here’s the good news—you can protect your peace. Recognizing their tactics is the first step. Once you see the patterns, you can prepare yourself to respond differently.
Set boundaries: Limit how long you stay at gatherings or have a trusted friend nearby for support. If things get overwhelming, it’s okay to leave early.
Manage expectations: You don’t have to meet impossible standards or fix their mood. Focus on what brings you joy.
Prioritize your well-being: Studies show that gratitude practices, like journaling, can help you stay grounded and resilient during high-stress times.
Remember, you’re not responsible for their happiness. By taking small, intentional steps, you can reclaim the holidays as a time of joy and connection—for yourself and those who truly care about you.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What makes covert narcissists act differently during the holidays?
Holidays shift the focus to shared joy and family, which can feel threatening to a covert narcissist. They struggle with not being the center of attention and may act out to regain control or validation. Their insecurities often intensify in these emotionally charged settings.
How can I recognize covert narcissistic behavior at holiday gatherings?
Look for subtle signs like passive-aggressive comments, creating unnecessary drama, or withdrawing to make others feel guilty. They might also undermine others’ efforts or redirect conversations to themselves. These behaviors often leave you feeling uneasy or emotionally drained.
Why do covert narcissists give gifts with hidden motives?
Their gifts often come with strings attached. For example, they might give something extravagant to make you feel indebted or choose a gift that highlights your insecurities. It’s less about generosity and more about maintaining control or gaining leverage later.
How can I protect my emotional well-being around a covert narcissist during the holidays?
Set clear boundaries and manage your expectations. Focus on your own joy and avoid trying to fix their mood. If possible, limit your time with them and have a support system in place. Remember, their behavior isn’t your responsibility.
Do covert narcissists intentionally create holiday conflicts?
Yes, but often in subtle ways. They might bring up sensitive topics, pit family members against each other, or stir up past grievances. These actions shift the focus to them and disrupt the harmony of the gathering, ensuring they remain the center of attention.
Why do covert narcissists sulk or withdraw during celebrations?
Sulking or withdrawing is a way to manipulate the emotional atmosphere. By acting distant or giving the silent treatment, they make others feel guilty or responsible for their unhappiness. It’s a calculated move to regain control and attention.
Can covert narcissists change their behavior during the holidays?
Change is possible, but it requires self-awareness and a willingness to seek professional help. Without intervention, their patterns are unlikely to shift. If you’re dealing with a covert narcissist, focus on protecting your peace rather than trying to change them.
How can I respond to passive-aggressive comments from a covert narcissist?
Stay calm and avoid reacting emotionally. You can address the comment directly but neutrally, like saying, “That’s an interesting perspective.” This approach defuses tension without giving them the reaction they’re seeking. Prioritize your emotional boundaries.