Last updated on May 1st, 2025 at 03:48 pm
Separating from a covert narcissist during separation can feel like walking through a minefield. Their actions aren’t always loud or obvious, but they’re calculated and often designed to keep you guessing. Have you noticed sudden shifts in their behavior, like pulling away emotionally or twisting the truth to make you look like the villain? That’s not random—it’s part of their strategy.
Covert narcissists during separation don’t just want to win; they want to control the narrative. They’ll manipulate emotions, relationships, and even public perception to protect their fragile self-image. Understanding these tactics can help you stay one step ahead and protect your peace.
Key Takeaways
Covert narcissists give the silent treatment to make you anxious.
They only reply to some messages to control your feelings.
They act like victims, changing stories to get sympathy and isolate you.
They spread lies about you to ruin your reputation.
Covert narcissists use social media to confuse and control emotions.
They may hide money or create debt to make you rely on them.
In legal issues, they cause delays and make false claims to upset you.
Set clear rules and keep records to protect yourself from their tricks.
Emotional Manipulation Tactics Covert Narcissists Use During Separation
The Silent Treatment As A Strategic Weapon
Intentional Emotional Withdrawal To Create Anxiety
Have you ever felt like someone’s silence was louder than words? That’s exactly how a covert narcissist uses the silent treatment during separation. It’s not just about ignoring you—it’s a calculated move to make you feel anxious and unsure of yourself. By withdrawing emotionally, they create a void that leaves you questioning what went wrong. This tactic isn’t accidental; it’s designed to keep you on edge.
Research shows that the silent treatment can trigger areas of the brain associated with physical pain. Paul Schrodt’s analysis of 74 studies involving over 14,000 participants found that this behavior reduces relationship satisfaction and intimacy. It also fosters self-doubt and emotional distress. When a covert narcissist uses this strategy, they’re not just being distant—they’re actively trying to destabilize your emotional state.
Selective Communication To Maintain Dependency
A covert narcissist during separation doesn’t cut off all communication. Instead, they pick and choose when and how to engage with you. They might respond to some messages while ignoring others, leaving you confused and desperate for clarity. This selective communication keeps you dependent on their responses, as you’re left waiting for their next move.
For example, they might reply to logistical questions about shared responsibilities but ignore emotional or personal topics. This inconsistency isn’t random—it’s a way to maintain control. By keeping you guessing, they ensure you remain emotionally tethered to them, even as the relationship ends.
Victimhood Narratives And Emotional Leverage
Cultivating Sympathy From Social Circles
Have you noticed how a covert narcissist suddenly becomes the “victim” in every story? They’re experts at flipping the script to gain sympathy from friends, family, and even mutual acquaintances. They’ll share exaggerated or fabricated tales of how they’ve been wronged, painting themselves as the innocent party.
This tactic isn’t just about gaining sympathy—it’s about isolating you. When others believe their version of events, you may find yourself losing support from people you once trusted. They might say things like, “I gave everything to this relationship, and look how I’ve been treated,” to manipulate others into taking their side.
Covert narcissists often rewrite the history of the relationship, claiming they were unhappy or mistreated.
They initiate smear campaigns, spreading false narratives to discredit you.
These actions can even influence legal proceedings, as they position themselves as the wronged party.
False Narratives That Shift Blame And Responsibility
A covert narcissist during separation doesn’t just play the victim—they also make you the villain. They’ll twist events to shift blame onto you, making it seem like you’re the one responsible for the relationship’s breakdown. This tactic serves two purposes: it protects their fragile ego and undermines your credibility.
For instance, they might accuse you of being controlling or emotionally unavailable, even if those behaviors were their own. They’ll use phrases like, “After all I’ve done for you…” to guilt you into questioning your actions. This subtle manipulation can leave you feeling guilty for things you didn’t do, further complicating the separation process.
Unlike overt narcissists, who use direct criticism, covert narcissists rely on passive-aggressive comments and plausible deniability.
They alternate between playing the victim and subtly devaluing you, creating a cycle of emotional confusion.
How Covert Narcissists Manipulate Public Perception During Separation
Smear Campaigns
Damaging Reputation Through Strategic Character Assassination
When a covert narcissist feels their control slipping during separation, they often turn to smear campaigns. This isn’t just gossip—it’s a calculated effort to destroy your reputation. They’ll twist facts, exaggerate your flaws, and even fabricate stories to make you look like the villain. Why? Because if others see you as the problem, they can maintain their image as the “innocent” one.
You might notice mutual friends or family members suddenly acting distant. That’s because the narcissist has likely fed them a carefully crafted narrative. For example, Sarah, who tried to leave her partner Emma, found herself isolated after Emma spread lies about her being “unstable.” Similarly, David faced public shaming and emotional blackmail when he ended things with Michelle. These tactics left both individuals feeling alone and doubting themselves.
Smear campaigns aren’t just emotionally draining—they can also impact legal proceedings. If the narcissist convinces others of their lies, they may gain unfair advantages in custody battles or property disputes. Staying calm and documenting everything can help you counter these attacks.
Preemptive Reputation Damage Control
Covert narcissists don’t wait for the separation to escalate before acting. They often start planting seeds of doubt about you long before the relationship ends. This preemptive damage control ensures that when the separation happens, they’ve already built a support network that believes their side of the story.
For instance, they might casually mention to friends, “I’m worried about how stressed they’ve been lately,” framing you as unstable. These subtle comments seem harmless but set the stage for their larger narrative. By the time you realize what’s happening, they’ve already positioned themselves as the victim.
To protect yourself, stay aware of these tactics. Keep your interactions professional and avoid reacting emotionally, as this can play into their narrative.
Recruiting Flying Monkeys And Proxy Manipulation
Leveraging Mutual Friends And Family As Surveillance
Covert narcissists rarely act alone. They often recruit “flying monkeys” (a term from “The Wizard of Oz”)—mutual friends, family members, or acquaintances who unknowingly do their bidding. These individuals might seem well-meaning, but they’re often used to gather information about you or relay the narcissist’s messages.
For example, a mutual friend might casually ask, “How are you holding up?” while secretly reporting back to the narcissist. This creates a sense of paranoia, as you’re unsure who you can trust. The narcissist uses these proxies to keep tabs on you without direct confrontation, maintaining their control from a distance.
To counter this, set boundaries with mutual connections. Share only what’s necessary and avoid discussing sensitive topics.
Creating Information Triangulation Networks
Triangulation is another favorite tool of covert narcissists. They create a web of communication where you’re forced to rely on third parties for information. For instance, instead of addressing you directly, they might pass messages through a mutual friend or family member. This keeps you off balance and ensures they remain in control of the narrative.
Imagine trying to co-parent with someone who refuses to communicate directly. Instead, they send messages like, “Tell them I’ll pick up the kids at 5,” through a third party. This tactic not only frustrates you but also gives them plausible deniability if things go wrong.
To break free from this manipulation, insist on direct communication whenever possible. If necessary, use written channels like email to maintain a clear record.
Digital And Social Media Tactics Of Covert Narcissists During Separation
Strategic Online Presence Management
Calculated Social Media Activity Patterns
Have you noticed how some people seem to curate their social media like a gallery? A covert narcissist during separation often takes this to the next level. They carefully manage their online presence to send subtle messages, maintain control, and manipulate perceptions. You might see them posting cryptic quotes, sharing photos that hint at their “newfound happiness,” or even engaging in activities designed to make you feel excluded.
This behavior isn’t random. It’s a calculated strategy to create psychological tension. They want you to wonder, “Are they really moving on?” or “Was I the problem all along?” In my experience working with clients, this tactic often leaves the other person feeling confused and emotionally drained.
Here’s what research reveals about these patterns:
Behavior Description | Implication |
---|---|
Intense focus on social media performance, obsessively tracking likes, shares, comments, and follower counts | Indicates a reliance on digital validation for self-worth. |
Disproportionate negative reactions to underperforming posts | Reflects emotional manipulation and pressure on others to engage with their content. |
Launching systematic reputation attacks when supply is restricted | Shows calculated efforts to damage others’ credibility to maintain their own self-image. |
If you’re dealing with this, remember: their online activity is more about them than it is about you. Don’t let their posts pull you into their web of manipulation.
Digital Breadcrumbing Techniques
Breadcrumbing isn’t just a dating term—it’s a favorite tool of covert narcissists. They leave small, intentional “crumbs” of communication or social media activity to keep you emotionally hooked. For example, they might like an old photo of yours or comment on a mutual friend’s post, knowing it will catch your attention. These actions seem harmless but are designed to make you think about them.
Why do they do this? It’s about control. By staying in your peripheral vision, they ensure you never fully move on. Algorithms on social media platforms, which favor emotionally provocative content, can amplify this behavior, making it even harder to escape their influence.

Surveillance And Monitoring Tactics
Proxy Account Usage For Information Gathering
Covert narcissists are masters of indirect control, and social media gives them the perfect tools. They often create fake or proxy accounts to monitor your online activity without your knowledge. Have you ever received a friend request from someone you don’t recognize? It could be them, trying to keep tabs on you.
This tactic allows them to gather information about your life, relationships, and emotional state. They might even use mutual friends’ accounts to view your posts or stories. This constant surveillance can feel invasive and unsettling, making it hard for you to feel truly free.
Technological Manipulation For Access
Technology isn’t just a tool—it’s a weapon in the hands of a covert narcissist. They might use shared devices, passwords, or even spyware to access your private information. In some cases, they exploit children’s devices to monitor your communication. This level of intrusion isn’t just manipulative—it’s a violation of your privacy.
Here’s a quick look at how this plays out:
Maintaining visibility on digital platforms while avoiding direct engagement: This creates psychological tension and keeps you guessing.
Employing inconsistent response patterns: This induces anxiety and dependency.
Using digital platforms for surveillance: They gather information to enhance their manipulation.
If you suspect this is happening, take steps to secure your digital life. Change passwords, enable two-factor authentication, and consider consulting a cybersecurity expert.
Tip: Don’t engage with their online provocations. Focus on protecting your mental and emotional well-being instead.
Financial Warfare Strategies Covert Narcissists Deploy During Separation
When it comes to finances, a covert narcissist during separation doesn’t play fair. They often use money as a weapon, creating chaos and uncertainty to maintain control. If you’ve ever felt like your financial stability was slipping through your fingers, you’re not alone. Let’s break down the tactics they use and how you can protect yourself.
Concealing Assets And Financial Manipulation
Hiding Resources And Methods Of Financial Deception
Have you noticed unexplained gaps in financial records or missing funds? Covert narcissists are masters at hiding assets. They might stash money in secret accounts, transfer funds to family members, or even invest in assets you don’t know about. This isn’t just sneaky—it’s strategic. By keeping you in the dark, they ensure you’re left scrambling during separation.
Here’s a quick look at common financial manipulation tactics:
Tactic | Description |
---|---|
Financial Dependency | Covert narcissists create dependency to control their partners financially, leading to long-term vulnerability. |
Debt Creation | They may create debt in their partner’s name, damaging credit scores and causing financial distress. |
Financial Gaslighting | This tactic distorts the victim’s perception of financial reality, making it difficult to recognize abuse. |
Denial of Financial Agreements | Narcissists may deny previous financial discussions, manipulating the victim’s understanding of their financial situation. |
If you suspect hidden assets, consider consulting a forensic accountant. They can uncover discrepancies and help you regain control of your financial future.
Strategic Undervaluation Of Assets
Another trick covert narcissists use is undervaluing assets. They might claim a property is worth less than it is or downplay the value of investments. Why? To reduce what they owe you in a settlement. This tactic can leave you with far less than you deserve.
For example, they might say, “That car isn’t worth much anymore,” even though it’s practically brand new. Or they’ll conveniently “forget” about a valuable piece of jewelry or artwork. These small lies add up, leaving you at a disadvantage.
To counter this, gather documentation. Bank statements, appraisals, and receipts can serve as evidence if disputes arise.
Economic Pressure And Control
Withholding Financial Support To Create Dependency
Covert narcissists thrive on control, and money is one of their favorite tools. During separation, they might withhold financial support, leaving you struggling to pay bills or meet basic needs. This tactic isn’t just cruel—it’s calculated. By creating dependency, they keep you tethered to them.
You might hear excuses like, “I can’t afford to help right now,” while they continue living comfortably. This financial strain can make you feel trapped, questioning whether you can manage on your own. But remember, their goal is to make you doubt yourself.
Tip: Document every instance of withheld support. This can be crucial if you need to involve legal professionals.
Credit Sabotage And Long-term Financial Damage
Have you ever checked your credit score and felt your stomach drop? Covert narcissists often sabotage their partner’s credit as a form of revenge. They might rack up debt in your name, miss payments on joint accounts, or even cancel credit cards without warning. These actions can leave lasting scars on your financial health.
Here’s how this plays out:
They stop paying shared bills, damaging your credit score.
They go on spending sprees, leaving you to deal with the fallout.
They create financial chaos, making it harder for you to rebuild after separation.
This isn’t just about money—it’s about power. By ruining your financial stability, they ensure you face challenges long after the relationship ends. To protect yourself, monitor your credit regularly and freeze your credit if necessary.
Remember: You’re not powerless. Seeking legal and financial advice can help you navigate these challenges and regain control.
Legal System Exploitation By Covert Narcissists During Separation
When dealing with a covert narcissist during separation, the legal system often becomes their playground. They exploit every loophole and delay tactic to frustrate you and maintain control. Let’s break down how they manipulate legal proceedings and use false accusations to their advantage.
Delaying Legal Proceedings
Frustrating The Process To Exhaust The Partner
Have you ever felt like your separation process is dragging on forever? That’s no accident. Covert narcissists thrive on wearing you down emotionally and financially. They’ll create unnecessary delays, like canceling mediation sessions at the last minute or filing endless motions to stall progress. These tactics aren’t just annoying—they’re designed to exhaust you so you’ll settle for less just to end the ordeal.
For example, they might suddenly claim a “family emergency” right before a court date or insist they need more time to gather documents. These delays add up, leaving you drained and questioning if it’s even worth continuing.
Common delay tactics include:
Claiming sudden medical issues or work emergencies before hearings.
Raising last-minute child-related concerns to postpone proceedings.
Filing frivolous motions to complicate the process.
Documenting these incidents is crucial. Patterns of manipulation can become evident over time, and courts may take notice.
Deliberate Delays And Procedural Exploitation
Covert narcissists know how to exploit the legal system’s complexities. They’ll misuse procedural rules to slow things down, like requesting unnecessary continuances or refusing to cooperate with discovery requests. This isn’t just about buying time—it’s about making you feel powerless.
Imagine waiting months for a hearing, only for them to request a delay the day before. Or dealing with endless excuses for why they can’t provide financial documents. These tactics force you to spend more time and money, which is exactly what they want.
To counter this, stay organized and proactive. Work closely with your attorney to anticipate their moves and keep the process moving forward.
False Accusations And Fabricated Evidence
Manufactured Documentation And Altered Communications
Covert narcissists are masters of deception, and they won’t hesitate to fabricate evidence to paint you in a negative light. They might alter text messages, emails, or other communications to make it look like you’re the aggressor. This tactic not only damages your credibility but also shifts attention away from their own behavior.
For instance, an engineer once faced false accusations of stealing intellectual property during arbitration. By presenting well-documented evidence, they proved the code was developed independently, dismantling the narcissist’s claims. This case highlights the importance of keeping detailed records to protect yourself.
If you suspect altered communications, don’t panic. Save all original messages and consult a forensic expert if needed. The truth often comes out when evidence is scrutinized.
Coached Witness Testimonies And Manipulated Narratives
Covert narcissists don’t just rely on documents—they’ll also manipulate people to support their false narratives. They might coach friends, family, or even colleagues to testify against you, creating a web of lies that’s hard to untangle. This tactic can feel overwhelming, but it’s not unbeatable.
Take John’s story, for example. His narcissistic ex-partner coerced witnesses and presented fabricated evidence during their custody battle. While this complicated the process and increased legal expenses, the discovery phase eventually exposed the lies. The court ruled in John’s favor, recognizing his integrity and discrediting the accuser.
To protect yourself, focus on gathering evidence that supports your case. Keep communication professional and document everything. Courts often see through manipulative tactics when presented with clear, factual information.
Tip: Stay calm and don’t engage in their drama. Let your evidence speak for itself.
Psychological Warfare Tactics Covert Narcissists Use During Separation
Intermittent Reinforcement Patterns
Alternating Between Affection And Coldness
Have you ever felt like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster with no way off? That’s exactly what a covert narcissist during separation wants. They’ll alternate between moments of warmth and affection and sudden, icy coldness. One day, they might send a heartfelt message, reminiscing about the “good times.” The next, they’ll ignore your calls or lash out with passive-aggressive comments. This back-and-forth keeps you emotionally hooked, constantly seeking their approval or clarity.
Psychologists call this tactic “intermittent reinforcement.” It’s a powerful psychological tool that creates dependency. Studies show that 88% of individuals subjected to such patterns develop fearful or preoccupied attachment styles. These attachment issues often lead to shorter relationships and repeated cycles of separation. Even after the relationship ends, many victims struggle to let go emotionally.
Measure | Time 1 Correlation | Time 2 Correlation | Change After 6 Months |
---|---|---|---|
Attachment to former partner | Significant | Significant | |
Trauma symptoms | Significant | Significant | N/A |
Self-esteem | Significant | Significant | N/A |
This emotional push-and-pull isn’t accidental. It’s a calculated move to keep you questioning yourself and craving their validation. Recognizing this pattern is the first step to breaking free. When you notice the cycle, remind yourself: their affection isn’t genuine—it’s a tool for control.
Unpredictable Engagement To Maintain Control
Does it feel like you’re always waiting for their next move? That’s because covert narcissists thrive on unpredictability. They’ll engage with you just enough to keep you emotionally invested but never enough to provide closure. For example, they might respond to a text after days of silence, only to give vague or cryptic answers. This inconsistency keeps you off balance, making it harder to move on.
Research highlights how this unpredictability fuels emotional dependency. When you can’t predict someone’s behavior, your brain becomes hyper-focused on them, trying to make sense of the chaos. This mental preoccupation can feel like an obsession, but it’s actually a survival response to the uncertainty they create.
To regain control, set firm boundaries. Limit your interactions and stick to clear, direct communication. The less you engage with their games, the less power they have over you.
Hoovering And Reconciliation Manipulation
Strategic Vulnerability Displays
Ever had an ex suddenly open up about their deepest fears or regrets? That’s hoovering in action. Covert narcissists use strategic displays of vulnerability to pull you back in. They might say things like, “I’ve been so lost without you,” or, “You’re the only one who truly understands me.” These statements are designed to tug at your heartstrings and make you second-guess your decision to leave.
But here’s the catch: their vulnerability isn’t real. It’s a performance aimed at regaining control. In my experience working with clients, many describe feeling torn when their ex-partner suddenly becomes “emotionally available.” However, once they reconcile, the narcissist’s old behaviors quickly resurface.
If you find yourself drawn in by these tactics, pause and reflect. Ask yourself: Are their actions consistent with their words? Genuine change takes time and effort, not just emotional declarations.
False Promises Of Change And Growth
“I’ve changed. I’ll do whatever it takes to make this work.” Sound familiar? Covert narcissists often make grand promises of change during separation. They’ll claim to have had a “wake-up call” and vow to fix everything that went wrong. While this might sound convincing, it’s usually just another manipulation tactic.
Studies on post-separation dynamics reveal that continuing emotional involvement often stems from false hope. Victims hold onto the belief that their partner will change, only to face repeated disappointment. This cycle can prolong the healing process and make it harder to move forward.
To protect yourself, focus on actions, not words. Have they sought therapy or made tangible changes? Or are they just saying what you want to hear? Remember, real growth doesn’t happen overnight. Trust your instincts and prioritize your well-being.
Tip: If you’re struggling to resist their hoovering tactics, consider seeking support from a therapist or trusted friend. You don’t have to face this alone.
Co-Parenting Challenges With A Covert Narcissist During Separation
Using Children As Pawns
Emotional Manipulation Of Children Against The Other Parent
When dealing with a covert narcissist during separation, you might notice them using your children as tools in their emotional games. They often manipulate children to turn them against you, creating a wedge in your relationship. This tactic, known as parental alienation, involves subtle but damaging behaviors like criticizing your character in front of the kids or planting seeds of doubt about your intentions. Over time, this can lead to your children developing negative feelings toward you, even if you’ve done nothing wrong.
This manipulation doesn’t just harm your relationship with your children—it also affects their mental health. Studies show that children caught in these dynamics often experience anxiety, depression, and confusion. They may feel torn between loyalty to both parents, which creates emotional stress they’re too young to handle. As a parent, it’s heartbreaking to see your child struggle with feelings they shouldn’t have to bear.
Using Visitation And Access As Punishment Tools
Covert narcissists often weaponize visitation schedules to maintain control. They might cancel visits at the last minute or refuse to let you see your children as a way to punish you. For example, they could say, “The kids don’t want to see you today,” even if that’s not true. These actions aren’t just frustrating—they’re designed to make you feel powerless and excluded.
This behavior can also confuse your children. They might start to believe the narrative that you’re unavailable or uninterested, even when the opposite is true. To counter this, document every instance of withheld visitation and communicate through written channels like email or text. This creates a record that can be helpful if legal action becomes necessary.
Undermining The Other Parent
Subtle Tactics To Discredit Parenting Abilities
Covert narcissists rarely attack your parenting directly. Instead, they use subtle tactics to make you look incompetent. They might tell your children, “I’m not sure why your mom/dad didn’t pack your lunch today,” or “I’ll take care of it since they forgot.” These comments seem harmless but are designed to plant doubts about your reliability.
Other behaviors include withholding affection from the children as a form of punishment or neglecting their emotional needs because they’re too focused on their own issues. These actions not only undermine your role as a parent but also create an unstable environment for your kids.
Common tactics include:
Playing the victim to gain sympathy from others.
Using passive-aggressive comments to erode your credibility.
Manipulating relationships among siblings or other family members to isolate you.
Long-Term Effects On Parent-Child Relationships
The impact of these behaviors doesn’t end with the separation. Over time, the covert narcissist’s manipulation can strain your relationship with your children. They might grow up questioning your intentions or feeling conflicted about their loyalty. This emotional tug-of-war can leave lasting scars, affecting their ability to trust and form healthy relationships in the future.
As a parent, your focus should be on creating a safe and stable environment for your children. Encourage open communication and reassure them of your love and support. While you can’t control the narcissist’s actions, you can control how you respond. By staying consistent and present, you can help your children navigate this challenging time.
Conclusion
Dealing with a covert narcissist during separation can feel overwhelming, but understanding their tactics is your first step toward freedom. Their manipulations—whether emotional, legal, or social—are designed to keep you off balance. Recognizing these behaviors helps you protect your peace and make informed decisions.
Set clear boundaries, document every interaction, and don’t hesitate to seek professional support. A therapist or legal expert can guide you through this challenging time. Remember, you’re not alone, and with the right tools, you can regain control and move forward with confidence.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Why does a covert narcissist act so differently during separation?
Separation threatens their sense of control and self-image. They may resort to manipulative tactics like playing the victim, spreading false narratives, or withholding resources. These behaviors help them maintain power and avoid accountability. It’s not about you—it’s about their need to protect their fragile ego.
How can I protect myself from their manipulative tactics?
Set firm boundaries and stick to them. Document all interactions, especially if legal or financial disputes arise. Avoid engaging emotionally with their provocations. Seeking support from a therapist or legal professional can also help you navigate their behavior effectively.
Tip: Keep communication limited to written formats like email or text. This creates a record and reduces opportunities for manipulation.
Can a covert narcissist change after separation?
Change is rare without professional help. Covert narcissists often lack self-awareness and resist accountability. While therapy can help, they must genuinely want to change. Don’t rely on their promises of growth—focus on your own healing and well-being instead.
Why do they use children as tools during separation?
Children become a way to maintain control over you. They might manipulate your kids emotionally or use visitation as leverage. This behavior isn’t about the children—it’s about keeping you tethered to their influence. Protect your kids by fostering open communication and providing a stable environment.
How do I handle their smear campaigns?
Stay calm and avoid retaliating. Focus on building your credibility with facts and evidence. Document false claims and seek support from trusted friends or professionals. Over time, people often see through their manipulations.
Note: Truth has a way of surfacing. Stay consistent and let your actions speak louder than their words.
Is it normal to feel confused or guilty during separation?
Absolutely. Covert narcissists are skilled at creating self-doubt through manipulation. You might question your decisions or feel guilty for leaving. Remember, these feelings are a result of their tactics, not a reflection of your worth or choices.
What’s the best way to heal after separating from a covert narcissist?
Focus on rebuilding your sense of self. Therapy can help you process the emotional trauma and regain confidence. Surround yourself with supportive people who validate your experiences. Healing takes time, but prioritizing your mental health is the first step forward.