Last updated on November 25th, 2024 at 10:10 am

• 1. Early Warning Signs of a Covert Narcissist Partner
• 1.1. Excessive Need for Admiration and Validation
• 1.2. Subtle Put-downs and Backhanded Compliments
• 1.3. Lack of Empathy in Everyday Situations
• 1.4. Tendency to Play the Victim Role
• 1.5. Passive-Aggressive Behaviors
• 1.6. Subtle Manipulation Tactics
• 2. The Impact of Covert Narcissism on Romantic Relationships
• 2.1. Emotional Manipulation Tactics Used by Covert Narcissists
• 2.2. How Covert Narcissists Undermine Their Partner’s Self-esteem
• 2.3. The Cycle of Idealization, Devaluation, and Discard
• 2.4. Guilt-Tripping and Emotional Blackmail
• 3. Communication Patterns of Covert Narcissists
• 3.1. Gaslighting and Reality Distortion
• 3.2. Silent Treatment as a Control Mechanism
• 3.3. Deflecting Blame and Responsibility
• 3.4. Passive-aggressive Communication Patterns
• 3.5. Using Circular Arguments to Exhaust Partners
• 4. Covert Narcissist Behaviors in Long-term Relationships
• 4.1. Jealousy and Possessiveness Masked as Care
• 4.2. Financial Control and Manipulation
• 4.3. Isolating Partners from Support Systems
• 4.4. Presenting a Different Persona to Others
• 4.5. Triangulation and Creating Conflict Between Loved Ones
• 5. Covert Narcissists and Intimacy Issues
• 5.1. Fear of Vulnerability and Emotional Closeness
• 5.2. Using Sex as a Tool for Manipulation
• 5.3. Hot and Cold Behavior in Physical Intimacy
• 5.4. Withholding Affection as Punishment
• 5.5. Inability to Empathize with Partner’s Needs
• 6. Covert Narcissists and Social Media Behavior
• 6.1. Seeking Attention and Validation Online
• 6.2. Presenting a False Image of the Relationship
• 6.3. Using Social Media to Monitor and Control Their Partner
• 6.4. Online Stalking and Monitoring
• 6.5. Controlling Partner’s Social Media Presence
• 7. The Covert Narcissist’s Response to Criticism
• 7.1. Hypersensitivity to Perceived Slights
• 7.2. Deflection and Blame-shifting Techniques
• 7.3. Passive-aggressive Retaliation to Feedback
• 7.4. Avoiding Direct Confrontation
• 8. Covert Narcissists in the Workplace: Impact on Romantic Relationships
• 8.1. Undermining Their Partner’s Career Success
• 8.2. Using Work as an Excuse to Avoid Relationship Responsibilities
• 8.3. Comparing Their Partner Unfavorably to Colleagues
• 8.4. Sabotaging Partner’s Professional Goals
• 8.5. Taking Credit for Partner’s Accomplishments
• 9. Covert Narcissists and Future-Faking
• 9.1. Making Empty Promises about the Future
• 9.2. Inconsistency Between Words and Actions
• 9.3. Shifting Goalposts in Relationship Milestones
• 9.4. Reluctance to Make Long-term Commitments
• 9.5. Unrealistic Expectations for the Relationship

Are you constantly walking on eggshells in your relationship, feeling drained and confused? You might be entangled with a covert narcissist, a master of emotional manipulation lurking beneath a charming facade. Unlike their grandiose counterparts, these subtle predators weave a web of deception so intricate that you may not even realize you’re caught until it’s too late.

In this eye-opening exposé, we’ll unmask the covert narcissist in romantic relationships, revealing the hidden red flags that could save your heart—and your sanity. Prepare to dive deep into the psyche of these emotional vampires as we explore their tactics, from gaslighting to passive-aggressive behavior, that leave you questioning your own reality.

Whether you’re suspecting your partner or trying to heal from past trauma, this blog post is your beacon of hope and understanding. We’ll arm you with the knowledge to identify these toxic patterns and the strength to break free from their insidious grip.

Learn how a covert narcissist in romantic relationships can impact your life and uncover ways to handle manipulation and maintain a strong sense of self.

1. Early Warning Signs of a Covert Narcissist Partner

1.1. Excessive Need for Admiration and Validation

Covert narcissists, unlike their more overt counterparts, have a subtle yet insatiable hunger for admiration and validation. This need often manifests in unexpected ways, making it challenging to spot at first glance. They may constantly seek reassurance about their appearance, intelligence, or accomplishments, but in a manner that seems self-deprecating rather than boastful.

For instance, a covert narcissist might say, “I’m sure my presentation wasn’t as good as yours,” fishing for compliments and validation. This behavior can be exhausting for partners, who find themselves constantly reassuring and praising the narcissist, often at the expense of their own emotional needs.

1.2. Subtle Put-downs and Backhanded Compliments

One of the most insidious tactics employed by covert narcissists is the use of subtle put-downs and backhanded compliments. These remarks are designed to undermine their partner’s self-esteem while maintaining an air of innocence or even concern.

For example, they might say, “You look nice today. That outfit almost makes you look slim.” Or, “I’m impressed you managed to finish that project. It must have been challenging for someone at your skill level.” These comments leave the recipient feeling confused and hurt, yet unsure if they have a right to be upset.

1.3. Lack of Empathy in Everyday Situations

While covert narcissists may be skilled at feigning empathy when it serves their purposes, their true colors often show in everyday situations. They may dismiss their partner’s feelings, minimize their struggles, or show indifference to their accomplishments.

For instance, if their partner is excited about a promotion, the covert narcissist might respond with a lukewarm “That’s nice” before quickly changing the subject to something about themselves. This lack of genuine empathy can leave partners feeling unsupported and emotionally isolated in the relationship.

1.4. Tendency to Play the Victim Role

Covert narcissists are masters at playing the victim. They often portray themselves as misunderstood, persecuted, or unfairly treated by the world. This victim mentality serves several purposes:

• It deflects responsibility for their actions
• It garners sympathy and attention
• It manipulates others into catering to their needs

For example, if confronted about their hurtful behavior, they might respond, “I can’t believe you’d accuse me of that. Don’t you know how much I’ve been through?” This tactic of playing the victim can make partners feel guilty for expressing their own needs or concerns.

1.5. Passive-Aggressive Behaviors

Passive-aggression is a hallmark of covert narcissism. Instead of expressing their anger or dissatisfaction directly, they resort to subtle acts of defiance or revenge. This might include:

• “Forgetting” to do something they promised
• Giving the silent treatment
• Making sarcastic or cutting remarks under the guise of jokes
• Procrastinating on tasks that are important to their partner

These behaviors allow the covert narcissist to express their negative feelings while maintaining plausible deniability. It’s a form of emotional manipulation that can leave partners feeling confused, frustrated, and questioning their own perceptions.

1.6. Subtle Manipulation Tactics

Covert narcissists are adept at subtle manipulation tactics that can be hard to detect. Some of these include:

• Guilt-tripping: Making their partner feel guilty for not meeting their expectations or needs
• Gaslighting: Subtly altering the reality of situations to make their partner doubt their own perceptions
• Love bombing: Showering their partner with affection and attention, only to withdraw it later as a form of control
• Shifting goalposts: Constantly changing expectations or rules in the relationship

These subtle manipulation tactics can be incredibly damaging over time, eroding the partner’s self-esteem and sense of reality.

2. The Impact of Covert Narcissism on Romantic Relationships

2.1. Emotional Manipulation Tactics Used by Covert Narcissists

Covert narcissists employ a range of emotional manipulation tactics to maintain control in their relationships. These tactics are often subtle and can be difficult to recognize, especially in the early stages of a relationship.

One common tactic is emotional withholding. The covert narcissist may suddenly become cold and distant, withholding affection and attention as a way to punish their partner or to create anxiety and insecurity. This leaves the partner constantly trying to “earn back” the narcissist’s love and approval.

Another tactic is intermittent reinforcement. The narcissist alternates between being loving and dismissive, creating a powerful emotional bond that keeps their partner hooked. This unpredictability can lead to trauma bonding, making it difficult for the partner to leave the relationship.

2.2. How Covert Narcissists Undermine Their Partner’s Self-esteem

Covert narcissists systematically undermine their partner’s self-esteem through a variety of subtle techniques:

• Constant criticism: They may offer “constructive feedback” that is actually thinly veiled criticism
• Comparison: They frequently compare their partner unfavorably to others
• Dismissing achievements: They minimize or ignore their partner’s accomplishments
• Setting impossible standards: They create unrealistic expectations that their partner can never meet

Over time, these tactics can erode the partner’s confidence and self-worth, making them more dependent on the narcissist for validation and approval.

2.3. The Cycle of Idealization, Devaluation, and Discard

2.3.1. Love Bombing and Idealization

The relationship with a covert narcissist often begins with a period of intense love bombing and idealization. During this phase, the narcissist showers their partner with attention, affection, and compliments. They may present themselves as the perfect partner, mirroring their victim’s interests and desires.

This phase creates a powerful emotional bond and sets up unrealistic expectations for the relationship. The partner feels special, chosen, and deeply loved, unaware that this is merely the first stage of a toxic cycle.

2.3.2. Devaluation and Discarding Cycle

Once the covert narcissist feels they have secured their partner’s affection, the devaluation phase begins. The once-loving partner becomes critical, distant, and often cruel. They may engage in gaslighting, making their partner question their own perceptions and memories.

The discard phase may involve the narcissist leaving the relationship or emotionally checking out while still physically present. This cycle may repeat multiple times, with periods of renewed idealization followed by further devaluation and discard.

2.4. Guilt-Tripping and Emotional Blackmail

Covert narcissists are skilled at using guilt as a weapon. They may:

• Accuse their partner of being selfish for having their own needs
• Claim that any disagreement is a sign of disloyalty or lack of love
• Use threats of self-harm to control their partner’s behavior
• Bring up past mistakes or vulnerabilities to manipulate their partner

These guilt-tripping tactics can leave the partner feeling responsible for the narcissist’s happiness and well-being, often at the expense of their own emotional health.

3. Communication Patterns of Covert Narcissists

3.1. Gaslighting and Reality Distortion

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the covert narcissist attempts to sow seeds of doubt in their partner, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. This insidious tactic can take many forms:

• Denying events or conversations that the partner clearly remembers
• Trivializing the partner’s emotions or experiences
• Shifting blame onto the partner for the narcissist’s own mistakes or shortcomings
• Rewriting history to fit their narrative

Over time, this constant reality distortion can leave the partner feeling confused, anxious, and unable to trust their own judgment. It’s a powerful tool that allows the covert narcissist to maintain control in the relationship.

3.2. Silent Treatment as a Control Mechanism

The silent treatment is a favorite weapon in the covert narcissist’s arsenal. By withdrawing communication, they create an atmosphere of tension and uncertainty. This tactic serves several purposes:

• Punishing the partner for perceived slights
• Avoiding accountability for their own actions
• Creating anxiety and insecurity in the partner
• Maintaining control by keeping the partner off-balance

The silent treatment can last for hours, days, or even weeks, leaving the partner feeling isolated and desperate for any form of interaction or acknowledgment.

3.3. Deflecting Blame and Responsibility

Covert narcissists are masters at avoiding responsibility for their actions. They employ various techniques to deflect blame:

• Playing the victim: “I only did that because you made me so upset.”
• Minimizing: “You’re overreacting. It wasn’t that bad.”
• Counterattacking: “Well, what about when you did X?”
• Feigning ignorance: “I had no idea that would hurt you.”

This constant deflection of blame can leave partners feeling like they’re always at fault, even when they’re the ones who have been wronged.

3.4. Passive-aggressive Communication Patterns

Passive-aggressive communication is a hallmark of covert narcissism. Instead of expressing their feelings directly, they resort to indirect methods:

• Sarcasm and backhanded compliments
• Subtle digs or insults disguised as jokes
• Deliberately “misunderstanding” to avoid responsibility
• Using body language and tone to convey disapproval while maintaining plausible deniability

These subtle signs of passive-aggressive behavior can be incredibly frustrating for partners, who often feel like they’re walking on eggshells, never sure how their words or actions will be received.

3.5. Using Circular Arguments to Exhaust Partners

Covert narcissists often engage in circular arguments as a way to wear down their partners. These arguments are characterized by:

• Constantly shifting goalposts
• Bringing up unrelated past grievances
• Refusing to acknowledge the partner’s point of view
• Going around in circles without resolution

The goal is not to reach a mutual understanding but to exhaust the partner emotionally and mentally, making them more likely to give in to the narcissist’s demands just to end the argument.

4. Covert Narcissist Behaviors in Long-term Relationships

4.1. Jealousy and Possessiveness Masked as Care

In long-term relationships, covert narcissists often display intense jealousy and possessiveness, but they disguise these behaviors as expressions of love and care. They might:

• Constantly check their partner’s phone or social media under the guise of “just being interested”
• Discourage their partner from spending time with friends or family, claiming they’re “worried” about them
• Express excessive concern about their partner’s interactions with others, especially those of the opposite sex
• Use guilt to make their partner feel bad about having a life outside the relationship

This behavior can be incredibly stifling and isolating for the partner, who may begin to feel that maintaining any form of independence is a betrayal of the relationship.

4.2. Financial Control and Manipulation

Financial abuse is a common tactic used by covert narcissists in long-term relationships. They may:

• Insist on controlling all financial decisions
• Withhold money or financial information from their partner
• Use money as a reward or punishment
• Sabotage their partner’s career or earning potential
• Run up debts in their partner’s name

This financial control serves to keep the partner dependent and makes it more difficult for them to leave the relationship.

4.3. Isolating Partners from Support Systems

Over time, covert narcissists work to isolate their partners from friends, family, and other support systems. They might:

• Criticize or belittle their partner’s friends and family
• Create drama or conflict when their partner tries to socialize
• Guilt-trip their partner for spending time with others
• Insist that they should be “enough” for their partner

This isolation makes the partner more dependent on the narcissist and less likely to recognize or challenge abusive behaviors.

4.4. Presenting a Different Persona to Others

Covert narcissists are often skilled at presenting a charming, caring persona to the outside world while behaving very differently in private. This can include:

• Being the “perfect” partner in public while being cruel or dismissive in private
• Cultivating a reputation as a kind, generous person in the community
• Behaving warmly towards their partner’s friends and family while later criticizing them behind closed doors
• Using their public image to gaslight their partner about their private behavior

This Jekyll and Hyde behavior can be extremely confusing and distressing for partners, who may struggle to reconcile the public and private versions of their partner.

4.5. Triangulation and Creating Conflict Between Loved Ones

Triangulation is a manipulative tactic where the covert narcissist introduces a third party into the dynamic of the relationship to create drama, jealousy, or insecurity. They might:

• Flirt with others in front of their partner
• Compare their partner unfavorably to ex-partners or friends
• Play family members or friends against each other
• Use children as pawns in conflicts with their partner

This triangulation tactic serves to keep the partner off-balance and focused on competing for the narcissist’s attention rather than addressing the real issues in the relationship.

5. Covert Narcissists and Intimacy Issues

5.1. Fear of Vulnerability and Emotional Closeness

Covert narcissists often struggle with genuine intimacy due to their deep-seated fear of vulnerability. This fear can manifest in various ways:

• Avoiding deep, meaningful conversations
• Deflecting with humor or changing the subject when things get too personal
• Becoming defensive or angry when their partner tries to get emotionally close
• Maintaining an air of mystery or withholding personal information

This fear of vulnerability stems from the narcissist’s fragile self-esteem and fear of rejection. However, it can leave their partners feeling emotionally starved and disconnected.

5.2. Using Sex as a Tool for Manipulation

For covert narcissists, sex is often less about intimacy and more about power and control. They may use sex as a tool for manipulation in several ways:

• Withholding sex as punishment for perceived slights
• Using sex as a bargaining chip to get what they want
• Engaging in sexual activities that make their partner uncomfortable to assert dominance
• Criticizing their partner’s sexual performance to undermine their confidence

This manipulation of sexual intimacy can be deeply damaging to the partner’s self-esteem and create a unhealthy association between sex and power dynamics.

5.3. Hot and Cold Behavior in Physical Intimacy

Covert narcissists often exhibit inconsistent behavior when it comes to physical intimacy. They may:

• Be intensely passionate one day and completely cold the next
• Initiate physical affection in public but reject it in private
• Use physical intimacy to “make up” after conflicts without addressing the underlying issues
• Suddenly withdraw physical affection without explanation

This unpredictable behavior can leave partners feeling confused, rejected, and constantly on edge, never knowing what to expect.

5.4. Withholding Affection as Punishment

Withholding affection is a common tactic used by covert narcissists to punish their partners or maintain control. This can include:

• Refusing to hug, kiss, or show any physical affection
• Emotionally distancing themselves
• Ignoring their partner’s attempts at closeness
• Making their partner “earn” affection through compliance or favors

This emotional and physical withdrawal can be incredibly painful for partners, who may find themselves constantly trying to regain the narcissist’s affection.

5.5. Inability to Empathize with Partner’s Needs

Covert narcissists struggle with empathy, particularly when it comes to their partner’s emotional and physical needs. This lack of empathy can manifest as:

• Dismissing or minimizing their partner’s feelings
• Becoming irritated when their partner expresses needs or desires
• Failing to provide emotional support during difficult times
• Expecting their partner to meet their needs while ignoring their partner’s

This one-sided dynamic can leave partners feeling unsupported, unimportant, and emotionally depleted in the relationship.

6. Covert Narcissists and Social Media Behavior

6.1. Seeking Attention and Validation Online

Covert narcissists often use social media as a platform to seek the attention and validation they crave. This behavior can manifest in several ways:

• Posting frequent selfies or carefully curated images of their life
• Sharing vague or cryptic status updates designed to elicit concern or questions
• Constantly checking for likes, comments, and shares on their posts
• Becoming visibly upset or angry when their posts don’t receive the desired attention

This constant need for online validation can be exhausting for partners, who may feel pressured to constantly engage with and praise their partner’s online presence.

6.2. Presenting a False Image of the Relationship

Social media provides the perfect platform for covert narcissists to present an idealized version of their relationship to the world. They might:

• Post loving tributes to their partner while being cold or cruel in private
• Share carefully staged photos that portray a perfect relationship
• Exaggerate or fabricate romantic gestures for online attention
• Use their online presence to gaslight their partner about the reality of their relationship

This false presentation can be incredibly confusing and hurtful for partners, who struggle to reconcile the online image with their lived experience.

6.3. Using Social Media to Monitor and Control Their Partner

Covert narcissists often use social media as a tool for monitoring and controlling their partners. This can include:

• Demanding access to their partner’s social media accounts
• Questioning their partner about every like, comment, or interaction online
• Insisting that their partner post certain things or present a specific image online
• Using information gleaned from social media to manipulate or guilt-trip their partner

This level of control and surveillance can leave partners feeling violated and trapped, unable to maintain any sense of privacy or independence online.

6.4. Online Stalking and Monitoring

The obsessive need for control often leads covert narcissists to engage in online stalking behaviors. They might:

• Constantly check their partner’s online activity
• Create fake profiles to monitor their partner or gather information
• Use tracking apps or spyware without their partner’s knowledge
• Become enraged or accusatory based on their partner’s online interactions

This invasive behavior can create a atmosphere of paranoia and distrust in the relationship, leaving the partner feeling constantly watched and judged.

6.5. Controlling Partner’s Social Media Presence

Covert narcissists may attempt to control their partner’s social media presence as a way of managing their own image and maintaining control. This can involve:

• Dictating what their partner can and cannot post
• Insisting on being tagged in all photos or mentioned in all status updates
• Becoming angry if their partner’s online activity doesn’t align with their expectations
• Using social media as a way to publicly shame or embarrass their partner

This control over their partner’s online presence is an extension of their need to dominate and manipulate every aspect of the relationship.

7. The Covert Narcissist’s Response to Criticism

7.1. Hypersensitivity to Perceived Slights

Covert narcissists are extremely sensitive to any form of criticism or perceived slight. This hypersensitivity can manifest as:

• Overreacting to minor comments or constructive feedback
• Interpreting neutral statements as personal attacks
• Holding grudges over small perceived insults
• Becoming defensive or angry at the slightest hint of criticism

This extreme sensitivity makes it nearly impossible for partners to have honest, open communication about issues in the relationship.

7.2. Deflection and Blame-shifting Techniques

When faced with criticism, covert narcissists employ various techniques to deflect blame and avoid taking responsibility. These may include:

• Turning the tables and accusing their partner of the same behavior
• Bringing up unrelated past mistakes to shift focus
• Playing the victim to elicit sympathy and avoid accountability
• Using DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) tactics

These deflection techniques can leave partners feeling confused and questioning their own perceptions of events.

7.3. Passive-aggressive Retaliation to Feedback

Instead of addressing criticism directly, covert narcissists often resort to passive-aggressive forms of retaliation. This might include:

• Giving the silent treatment
• Making subtle digs or backhanded compliments
• “Forgetting” to do important tasks
• Sabotaging plans or projects important to their partner

This indirect form of retaliation can be incredibly frustrating for partners, who may struggle to address the underlying issues in the relationship.

7.4. Avoiding Direct Confrontation

Covert narcissists typically avoid direct confrontation at all costs. When faced with criticism or conflict, they might:

• Change the subject or use diversionary tactics
• Become emotionally withdrawn or shut down
• Use humor or sarcasm to deflect serious discussions
• Make excuses to leave or end the conversation

This avoidance of direct confrontation makes it extremely difficult for partners to resolve conflicts or address important issues in the relationship.

8. Covert Narcissists in the Workplace: Impact on Romantic Relationships

8.1. Undermining Their Partner’s Career Success

Covert narcissists often feel threatened by their partner’s success and may actively work to undermine their career. This can manifest as:

• Sabotaging important work events or deadlines
• Criticizing or belittling their partner’s professional achievements
• Creating drama or emergencies that interfere with work responsibilities
• Discouraging their partner from pursuing career advancement opportunities

This undermining behavior can create significant stress and conflict in the relationship, as well as potentially damaging the partner’s professional life.

8.2. Using Work as an Excuse to Avoid Relationship Responsibilities

Work often becomes a convenient excuse for covert narcissists to avoid their responsibilities in the relationship. They might:

• Consistently prioritize work over family or relationship commitments
• Use long hours or work stress as an excuse for neglectful or abusive behavior
• Refuse to engage in household chores or childcare duties due to work demands
• Use work as a way to avoid intimate or difficult conversations

This behavior can leave partners feeling neglected and solely responsible for maintaining the home and relationship.

8.3. Comparing Their Partner Unfavorably to Colleagues

Covert narcissists may use their work relationships as a way to undermine their partner’s self-esteem. They might:

• Frequently mention how attractive or competent their colleagues are
• Compare their partner unfavorably to coworkers in terms of intelligence or success
• Spend an unusual amount of time discussing certain colleagues
• Use work relationships to create jealousy or insecurity in their partner

These comparisons can be incredibly hurtful and damaging to the partner’s self-esteem and the overall health of the relationship.

8.4. Sabotaging Partner’s Professional Goals

In some cases, covert narcissists may actively work to sabotage their partner’s professional goals. This could involve:

• Discouraging them from pursuing further education or training
• Creating conflicts or drama before important work events
• Withholding support or resources needed for career advancement
• Manipulating situations to make their partner look unprofessional

This sabotage can have long-lasting impacts on the partner’s career and financial independence.

8.5. Taking Credit for Partner’s Accomplishments

Covert narcissists often attempt to claim credit for their partner’s accomplishments, both in private and public settings. They might:

• Insist that their support was the primary reason for their partner’s success
• Downplay their partner’s role in achieving goals
• Present joint accomplishments as primarily their own doing
• Use their partner’s success to boost their own image without giving due credit

This behavior can leave partners feeling unappreciated and resentful, as their hard work and achievements are consistently overshadowed or co-opted by the narcissist.

9. Covert Narcissists and Future-Faking

9.1. Making Empty Promises about the Future

Covert narcissists often engage in “future-faking” – making grand promises about the future that they have no intention of keeping. This can include:

• Promising marriage or long-term commitment without follow-through
• Making plans for future travel or life events that never materialize
• Discussing shared goals or dreams without taking any concrete steps towards them
• Using promises of a better future to keep their partner invested in the relationship

These empty promises can keep partners hooked, always hoping for a better tomorrow that never comes.

9.2. Inconsistency Between Words and Actions

One of the most frustrating aspects of dealing with a covert narcissist is the stark inconsistency between their words and actions. They might:

• Profess undying love while behaving in unloving ways
• Promise to change or improve but continue old patterns of behavior
• Agree to relationship goals or boundaries but consistently violate them
• Make commitments they have no intention of keeping

This inconsistency can leave partners feeling confused, disappointed, and unable to trust their partner’s words.

9.3. Shifting Goalposts in Relationship Milestones

Covert narcissists often manipulate relationship milestones to maintain control. This can involve:

• Constantly changing the conditions for taking the next step in the relationship
• Moving backwards in commitment levels without explanation
• Using relationship progress as a bargaining tool for compliance
• Redefining what certain milestones mean to avoid following through

This shifting of goalposts keeps partners in a state of uncertainty and anxiety about the future of the relationship.

9.4. Reluctance to Make Long-term Commitments

Despite their promises and professions of love, covert narcissists are often deeply reluctant to make real, long-term commitments. This reluctance might manifest as:

• Avoiding discussions about the future of the relationship
• Making excuses for why now is not the right time for major steps
• Becoming angry or defensive when pressed about commitment
• Keeping parts of their life separate or hidden from their partner

This avoidance of true commitment can leave partners feeling insecure and uncertain about their place in the narcissist’s life.

9.5. Unrealistic Expectations for the Relationship

Covert narcissists often hold unrealistic or idealized expectations for their relationships. They might:

• Expect their partner to meet all their emotional needs
• Demand constant attention and admiration
• Insist on a level of perfection that no real relationship can achieve
• Use these unrealistic expectations as an excuse for their lack of commitment or poor behavior

These unrealistic expectations set the relationship up for failure and provide the narcissist with endless opportunities for criticism and disappointment.