Last updated on April 30th, 2025 at 10:11 pm
Have you ever started a new relationship and felt like something was off, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it? This could be the influence of a covert narcissist at the beginning of a new relationship.
Unlike the typical narcissist who is loud, boastful, and attention-seeking, a covert narcissist is much harder to spot. They often come across as quiet, modest, or even self-critical. However, beneath the surface, they are skilled at manipulating your emotions.
If you overlook these subtle red flags early on, you might find yourself feeling drained, confused, and questioning your own self-worth.
Research shows that covert narcissists tend to lack empathy and are more emotionally unstable, which can lead to emotional chaos and negatively impact your mental health. To protect yourself, it’s important to pay attention to the small warning signs right from the start.
Key Takeaways
Look out for fake modesty. If someone seems overly humble, they might just want attention.
Be aware of self-critical comments. Some people act unsure to get compliments.
Notice if talks always go back to them. This shows they might not care about your feelings.
Spot passive-aggressive jokes. These can feel like insults and hurt your confidence.
Watch for sudden mood swings. Quick changes in emotions can make you feel confused or worried.
See if they always need praise. Constantly asking for reassurance might mean they feel insecure.
Trust your gut feelings. If something feels wrong, don’t ignore it.
Set limits early. Protect yourself by stopping bad behavior before it gets worse.
1. Fake Humility That Feels Unnatural
At first, humility might seem like a good quality. But if it feels fake or overdone, it could mean something else. Covert narcissists often act overly humble to hide their real motives. This makes it harder to notice their need for constant praise.
Too Many Negative Comments About Themselves
How Putting Themselves Down Seeks Attention
Have you seen someone insult themselves a lot for no reason? Covert narcissists often say things like, “I’m terrible at everything” or “Why would anyone like me?” It might seem like they’re insecure, but they’re really fishing for compliments. They want you to say, “No, you’re great!” or “You’re so talented!”
This creates a pattern where you feel you must cheer them up. Over time, this can make you feel tired and stressed. I’ve worked with people who feel like they’re always trying to keep their partner happy. It’s important to know when humility is real and when it’s used to get attention.
Spotting Fake Humility Tricks
Real humility feels honest, not fake. If someone’s self-criticism seems like an act, it probably is. Covert narcissists use this trick to control how others see them. For example, they might say, “I’m not good enough for you,” but they really want you to argue with them. This behavior can make you doubt yourself and feel bad for not giving them the attention they want.
Sneaky Ways To Make It About Them
Conversations That Always End Up About Them
Have you ever shared something personal, and they turn it into their story? Covert narcissists are great at this. For example, you might talk about a hard day at work, and they’ll say, “That reminds me of when I had it even worse.” It’s a sneaky way to make the conversation about them.
In therapy, I’ve seen how this hurts relationships. One example showed how covert narcissists avoid talking about themselves by focusing on outside problems. This stops them from growing and makes the relationship unfair. You might feel ignored, which can hurt your confidence over time.
Evidence | Explanation |
|---|---|
They steer talks to outside issues to avoid self-reflection, slowing progress. | |
Therapist support of victim role | Therapists who agree with clients without questioning them may support wrong beliefs. |
Blaming others and projecting | Covert narcissists blame others for their issues, making therapy harder but also revealing clues. |
Finding Hidden Selfishness
Covert narcissists hide their selfishness well. They may seem humble, but their actions show otherwise. Notice how often they turn talks back to themselves. Do they really listen, or are they just waiting to talk? This hidden selfishness shows in small, daily moments. Spotting it early can save you from feeling drained later.
2. Passive-Aggressive Communication
Passive-aggressive behavior can be very confusing in relationships. It’s sneaky and makes you question your feelings. Let’s look at how this happens and why it’s harmful.
Indirect Criticism Disguised As Jokes
How Jokes Can Hide Insults
Has someone ever joked about you, then said, “Just kidding”? Covert narcissists often do this to hide insults. They use humor to avoid direct arguments. For example, they might say, “You’re brave to wear that,” with a smirk. It sounds nice but feels mean.
This type of humor isn’t harmless. It’s a way to hurt you without taking blame. Studies show covert narcissists use sarcasm to make others feel small. If you feel upset, they might say, “You’re too sensitive” or “It’s just a joke.” Over time, this can lower your confidence and leave you unsure if you’re overreacting.
Understanding The Emotional Damage
These small remarks can hurt a lot. They make you doubt yourself. You might think, “Am I too sensitive?” or “Did they mean it that way?” This self-doubt gives them control. It keeps you unsure and easier to manipulate.
If someone’s jokes feel more like insults, notice it. It’s not about being funny—it’s about respect. A good relationship won’t make you feel small or question your worth.
Silent Treatment Or Subtle Withdrawal
Using Silence To Control
The silent treatment is another common tactic. When upset, they might stop talking to you. They won’t argue but will go quiet. This silence isn’t calm—it’s planned. It’s meant to make you feel nervous and crave their attention.
Studies show silent treatment is emotional manipulation. It creates an unfair balance, making you feel like you need to fix things. This can make you depend on their approval, which is what they want.
Recognizing Manipulative Patterns
Silent treatment isn’t just ignoring—it’s about power. Covert narcissists use it to make you feel guilty, even if you did nothing wrong. For example, after a small fight, they might ignore your texts. When you ask what’s wrong, they’ll say, “Nothing,” leaving you confused.
This behavior often comes from learned habits. Research shows people who use silent treatment may have experienced it growing up. It’s a harmful cycle that leaves you feeling drained and powerless.
If someone uses silence as a weapon, remember this: healthy communication means talking, not shutting down. You deserve a relationship where your feelings matter and are respected.
3. Pretending To Be Vulnerable To Get Sympathy
Have you met someone who shares personal struggles too soon? It might seem like they’re opening up, but it could be a trick. Covert narcissists often pretend to be vulnerable to gain sympathy and control the relationship.
Sharing Too Much Too Soon
Sharing Early To Fake A Close Bond
When someone tells you their deepest secrets right away, it feels like trust. But think—why are they sharing so much so quickly? Covert narcissists do this to create fake closeness. They want you to feel special, like only you understand them. This rush can make you feel like you must help them, even if it’s too soon for such a bond.
From my work with clients, I’ve seen how this leads to emotional traps. You might feel like their happiness depends on you. This isn’t real vulnerability—it’s a plan to make you care deeply before you know them well.
Spotting Fake Vulnerability
Real vulnerability is balanced and shared. If someone’s sharing feels one-sided or overly dramatic, question it. Manipulators use emotional stories to focus on themselves, not your needs. For example, they might tell a sad story in great detail, making you feel bad for not giving enough sympathy.
Here’s a simple checklist to spot fake vulnerability:
Do they talk about their problems but ignore yours?
Do their stories seem over-the-top or practiced?
Do you feel tired or guilty after listening to them?
If yes, they might be using vulnerability to control you.
Always Acting Like The Victim
Shifting Blame And Making You Feel Guilty
Covert narcissists are great at acting like the victim. No matter what happens, they’ll make it seem like they’re the one hurt. Did you share a concern? They’ll say you’re attacking them. Did you set a boundary? They’ll call you unfair or mean. This blame-shifting keeps you doubting yourself and feeling like you’re the problem.
Studies show narcissists use guilt to get what they want. For example, after a small disagreement, they might say, “I guess I’m just not good enough for you.” This isn’t about fixing things—it’s about making you feel bad enough to give in.
The Emotional Cost Of Their Victim Act
Being with someone who always plays the victim is exhausting. You might feel like you can’t say or do anything without upsetting them. Over time, this can wear you down and make you feel stuck.
Research on narcissistic relationships found many signs of fake empathy, including pretending to be vulnerable and acting like the victim. These behaviors aren’t just annoying—they’re manipulative. They create a situation where you’re always giving, and they’re always taking.
Tip: If you notice someone always playing the victim, step back and think about the relationship. Healthy relationships share responsibility, not blame.
4. Subtle Need For Constant Validation
In new relationships, covert narcissists often crave constant validation. Unlike loud narcissists, they use quiet ways to get attention. These actions can leave you feeling tired and unsure about your role.
Fishing For Compliments In Sneaky Ways
Words That Show A Need For Praise
Have you heard someone say, “I’m so bad at this,” or “I’m not good enough,” and then wait for you to disagree? Covert narcissists are experts at using these phrases to get compliments. They might act like they’re bad at something, but they really want you to say, “No, you’re great at that!”
This isn’t just about feeling insecure—it’s planned. Studies show covert narcissists pretend to be modest to get praise. For example, they might downplay their skills, hoping you’ll respond with admiration. Over time, this can make you feel like you always need to boost their confidence.
Hidden Insecurity Behind Their Need For Attention
At the heart of this is low self-esteem. Research shows insecure attachment styles can lead to narcissistic traits. Vulnerable narcissists depend on others’ approval to feel better in relationships. This constant need for attention can make you feel like you’re always trying to keep them happy.
Key facts about covert narcissists and validation:
They often have insecure attachment styles, causing anxiety in relationships.
Their weak self-esteem makes them rely on others for approval, creating a cycle of neediness.
Hiding Attention-Seeking As Modesty
Telling Real Modesty From Manipulation
Real modesty feels natural. It’s when someone downplays their success without expecting anything back. Covert narcissists, however, use modesty to get attention. They might say, “Oh, it was nothing,” after doing something impressive, but their tone or look shows they want recognition.
Here’s how to tell the difference: true modesty doesn’t ask for attention. Fake modesty feels planned. For example, someone might wear simple clothes designed to stand out. This isn’t about being humble—it’s about being noticed.
Spotting Patterns Of Attention-Seeking
Over time, you’ll see a pattern. Covert narcissists hide their need for attention in ways that seem harmless. They might tell a story about failing at something, just to enjoy your reassurances. Or they’ll act overly modest, hoping for compliments.
This behavior is draining and manipulative. Instead of building a fair relationship, they create one where you give, and they take. If you feel tired or unappreciated, ask yourself: are they truly modest, or are they seeking validation at your cost?
Tip: Notice how often they ask for reassurance. Healthy relationships are about mutual support, not one-sided praise. If you’re always giving, it might be time to rethink the relationship.
5. Difficulty Accepting Criticism
Overreacting To Constructive Feedback
Hiding Discomfort With Criticism
Have you ever tried to give someone advice, but they acted like you attacked them? Covert narcissists often can’t handle criticism, even if it’s helpful. Instead of fixing the issue, they might say things like, “I’m just terrible. You must hate me.” This shifts the focus from their mistake to your reaction. It’s not about solving the problem—it’s about avoiding blame.
From what I’ve seen, this behavior comes from deep insecurity. Covert narcissists don’t want to seem flawed, so they use guilt to protect themselves. You might end up comforting them instead of solving the issue. Over time, this can make you afraid to speak up, leaving you feeling nervous around them.
Spotting Defensive Reactions
Defensiveness is common when covert narcissists face criticism. They might say, “I’m bad at this. Maybe someone else should do it.” This avoids taking responsibility and makes you feel guilty for pointing out the problem. It’s their way of saying, “Don’t criticize me—I can’t handle it.”
They may also change the topic or blame other things. For example, if you notice a mistake, they might say the tools were bad or they didn’t have enough time. These excuses stop them from admitting their faults and make you feel wrong for bringing it up.
Quiet Revenge After Criticism
Subtle Payback Tactics
When criticized, covert narcissists don’t always argue back. Instead, they might quietly get back at you. For example, if you point out an issue, they might “forget” to help you with something important. These actions aren’t accidents—they’re planned to make you regret speaking up.
In relationships, they might suddenly act distant or stop helping after a disagreement. At work, they could delay tasks or leave out details to make your job harder. These sneaky moves are meant to punish you without directly confronting the problem.
Growing Retaliation Over Time
Small acts of revenge can grow worse if they feel more threatened. At first, they might ignore you or make small rude comments. Later, they might cancel plans or spread rumors to hurt your confidence.
I’ve seen how this behavior can emotionally drain people. One person shared how their partner started by ignoring texts but later canceled plans without warning. This slow increase in bad behavior keeps you unsure and makes you wonder if you’re at fault.
Tip: If you notice these signs, trust your gut. Healthy relationships let you share feedback without fear. You deserve respect and understanding, not punishment for speaking honestly.
6. Emotional Inconsistency And Unpredictability
Have you ever felt nervous around someone, unsure of their mood? One moment they’re kind and caring, and the next, they’re distant or upset. This emotional rollercoaster is a common sign of covert narcissists. Their unpredictable actions can leave you feeling confused and worn out.
Sudden Mood Changes
Using Mood Swings To Keep Control
Covert narcissists often change their mood quickly to confuse others. One day, they might be loving, and the next, they act cold or annoyed. This isn’t random—it’s a way to make you feel unsure and seek their approval. You might try to fix things, even if you did nothing wrong.
Frequent mood changes, called emotional lability, are common in people with unstable emotions. Stress, tiredness, or small problems can trigger these shifts. For example, they might get angry over a small issue but act fine later. This behavior keeps you guessing and uneasy.
Note: Emotional lability isn’t just about mood swings. It shows they can’t stay emotionally steady. This makes you feel like you’re always walking into uncertainty.
Spotting Manipulative Mood Swings
Not all mood swings are meant to manipulate, but covert narcissists often follow a pattern. Do they only get upset when things don’t go their way? Do they use their emotions to make everything about them? These are warning signs. For instance, they might sulk after you set a boundary, making you feel bad for standing up for yourself.
Mixed Signals That Cause Confusion
Using Uncertainty To Stay In Control
Covert narcissists often send mixed signals. They might say one thing but act differently, leaving you unsure of their feelings. For example, they could praise you one day but criticize you the next. This back-and-forth makes you seek their approval to feel secure.
These mixed signals aren’t accidents. They’re used to keep you emotionally hooked while they stay in control. By keeping you confused, they make you focus on figuring them out, giving them more power.
How Unpredictability Affects You
Living with someone who is emotionally inconsistent can harm your mental health. You might feel anxious and doubt yourself often. Over time, this can lower your confidence and make you question your own thoughts. It’s exhausting to deal with constant uncertainty in a relationship.
Tip: If someone’s actions make you feel uneasy or unsure, trust your gut. Healthy relationships are steady and respectful, not full of emotional chaos.
7. Quietly Lowering Your Confidence
When someone makes you doubt yourself, it’s not always clear. Covert narcissists are experts at being subtle. They use small comments to make you question your abilities. Over time, this can make you feel unsure about your choices. Let’s see how they do this and how it affects you.
Sneaky Compliments That Hurt
Compliments That Don’t Feel Right
Have you ever been praised but felt uneasy? They might say, “You’re so bold to wear that,” or “Wow, I didn’t think you’d do so well.” These words seem nice but have a hidden insult. Covert narcissists use these to make you doubt yourself while pretending to be kind.
They often say these things at tricky times. For example, before something important, they might say, “Are you ready for this? It’s a big deal.” This can make you nervous and unsure. Studies show covert narcissists like to confuse others, making it hard to call out their behavior.
Note: If a compliment makes you feel bad, trust your feelings. Real praise makes you feel good, not doubtful.
How These Comments Affect You
These small remarks can hurt your feelings over time. You might feel like you’re not good enough or that your successes don’t matter. Slowly, this lowers your self-esteem and makes you rely on their approval. It’s a sneaky way to keep control over you.
Making You Doubt Your Choices
Criticism That Feels Like Advice
Covert narcissists are good at making you question yourself. They might say, “Are you sure that’s the best idea?” or “I wouldn’t do it that way, but it’s up to you.” These words seem harmless but make you second-guess your decisions.
The tricky part is how they hide their criticism. They act like they’re giving advice or showing concern. Research in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence shows how unclear comments and jokes can control others. For example:
Evidence Type | Description |
|---|---|
Implied Threats | Saying “You might want to rethink that” causes worry without being direct. |
Study Findings | Research shows these quiet tactics create doubt and are hard to notice. |
How To Protect Yourself
How can you stay safe? Start by noticing the patterns. If someone’s words often make you feel unsure, step back. Ask yourself: Are they helping or trying to control you? Set boundaries. Tell them their comments aren’t helpful and that you trust yourself.
Tip: Be around people who lift you up and support you. Confidence grows when you feel respected and valued, not torn down.
Conclusion
Spotting the early signs of a covert narcissist can protect you. Their actions—like fake humility and passive-aggressive behavior—may seem small but can harm your confidence over time. Knowing these patterns helps you stay strong and set boundaries.
Here’s how to keep your emotions safe:
Notice harmful behaviors and deal with them quickly.
Take care of yourself to stay strong and balanced.
Talk openly to tell apart mistakes from real problems.
You deserve relationships that make you feel good and supported. By staying alert and trusting yourself, you can protect your emotional health.
Transform your Inner Chaos into authentic personal growth!
Stay informed on the latest research advancements covering:
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Frequently Asked Questions
How can I know if someone’s humility is real?
Real humility feels honest and doesn’t ask for praise. Covert narcissists often use self-critical comments to get compliments. If their humility seems fake or planned, trust your gut—it’s probably not genuine.
Why do covert narcissists give the silent treatment?
The silent treatment is used to control others. It causes worry and guilt, making you feel like you need to fix things. This keeps you emotionally tied to them and seeking their approval.
Do covert narcissists know they’re being manipulative?
Some know but think their actions are needed to protect themselves. Others may not realize it because of deep insecurities. Either way, their behavior can hurt you, so focus on setting boundaries.
How can I stay safe from covert narcissistic tricks?
Set firm boundaries and trust your feelings. Don’t let guilt or confusion stop you from making good choices. Be around people who support your confidence and happiness.
Can you have a healthy relationship with a covert narcissist?
Healthy relationships need respect and care from both sides. Covert narcissists often lack these traits. Therapy might help, but you should decide if the relationship is good for your emotional well-being.
What should I do if I think someone is a covert narcissist?
Watch for signs like passive-aggressive actions or needing constant praise. Trust your instincts and talk to a therapist if needed. Protect your mental health by setting limits and focusing on self-care.