Have you ever felt like you’re always careful around someone? Female covert narcissists seem kind but secretly play with your feelings. They use sneaky tricks to control you, leaving you upset and tired.
Here’s a surprising fact: marriages with covert narcissists are 20% more likely to fail. Why? Because 65% of people leaving these marriages say they feel worn out emotionally. These numbers show how harmful their actions are—not just to relationships but also to your mental health.
If you’ve felt stuck in a loop of guilt, doubt, or confusion, you’re not alone. Noticing these patterns is the first step to breaking free.
Key Takeaways
Female covert narcissists pretend to be victims to control you. Notice this trick so you don’t fall for it.
They make up fake problems to seem important to you. Watch for these tricks to protect your feelings.
Sometimes they are nice, making you want their approval. Look for steady actions, not random kindness.
They try to cut you off from friends and family. Stay close to loved ones to stay strong.
Gaslighting makes you question what’s real. Write things down to keep track and clear your mind.
Emotional threats can make you scared. Know these tricks and remember you deserve good relationships.
They promise to change but don’t mean it. Watch what they do, not just what they say.
If you feel tired or confused, get help. Talk to trusted people or experts to feel better and stronger.
1. The Damsel In Distress Tactic Female Covert Narcissists Use
Always Acting Like A Victim To Manipulate
How They Pretend To Be Constantly Wronged
Have you met someone who always seems like the victim? Female covert narcissists are great at this act. They make up stories where they’re always treated unfairly. It’s not just once in a while—it’s all the time. They might say their boss is mean, their friends betray them, or their family ignores them. At first, you might feel bad for them. You might even think, “Wow, they’ve had a tough life.”
But here’s the trick: these stories are often stretched or only tell one side. From what I’ve seen, this tactic pulls people in easily. You start to feel like you’re the only one who gets them. This makes you feel like you must help them, even when their stories don’t make sense.
Setting Up No-Win Situations To Stay The Victim
Female covert narcissists don’t stop at telling stories. They create situations where you can’t win no matter what. For example, if you give advice, they might say, “You don’t understand me.” If you don’t give advice, they might say you don’t care. These situations are made to keep you involved and feeling guilty.
These traps aren’t random. They’re planned to make them look like the victim. You might keep trying to prove you care, but it’s never enough. This keeps you stuck, always trying to fix things or earn their approval.
Using Your Need To Help Against You
Fake Emergencies That Make You Feel Needed
Do you feel like you’re always solving someone’s problems? Female covert narcissists are skilled at creating fake emergencies. These can be small issues or big emotional breakdowns. For example, they might call you crying about something that seems serious but isn’t.
Why do they do this? It makes you feel like only you can help them. This plays on your need to protect and help others. You start to believe they can’t manage without you, keeping you emotionally tied to them.
Giving Emotional Rewards To Keep You Hooked
Here’s where it gets harder to notice. After you “save” them, they thank you a lot. They might give you affection, praise, or gratitude. This makes you feel good about helping them, so you want to do it again.
But this isn’t real appreciation. It’s a trick to make you depend on their approval. Over time, you’ll see a pattern: the more you help, the more they rely on you. And the harder it becomes to walk away.
Tip: If you’re always solving someone’s problems, pause and think. Are these problems real or made up? Spotting this pattern is the first step to breaking free.
2. The Emotional Manipulation Tactic Female Covert Narcissists Master
How They Use Rewards To Control
Giving Love Randomly To Keep You Guessing
Have you ever felt unsure when someone will be kind again? Female covert narcissists are skilled at keeping you guessing. One day, they might be super nice and make you feel special. The next day, they ignore you, leaving you confused and wanting their attention.
This trick is called intermittent reinforcement. It works because your brain starts craving those rare moments of kindness, like a gambler hoping for a win.
They switch between being nice and mean, trapping you in a cycle.
The surprise kindness feels extra special, making you more attached.
“Like a gambler at a slot machine, victims keep trying for a win, even after losing so much.”
You might find yourself always trying to make them happy, hoping for those rare good moments. But this isn’t love—it’s a way to control you.
How Your Brain Gets Hooked On The Highs And Lows
When you’re stuck in this pattern, your brain releases dopamine during the good times. Dopamine is the chemical that makes you feel happy when you eat something tasty or achieve a goal. Over time, this creates a strong emotional bond, almost like an addiction.
You start to think the rare good times define the relationship.
You ignore the bad times, hoping things will get better.
This bond keeps you stuck, even when the relationship drains your energy. It’s not your fault—it’s how your brain reacts to the ups and downs.
Using Emotions To Stay In Charge
Ignoring You And Acting Passive-Aggressive
Have you ever been ignored for days after a fight? Female covert narcissists use silent treatments to punish and control you. By not talking or showing affection, they make you feel anxious and wonder what you did wrong.
They also use passive-aggressive moves, like sarcastic remarks or sneaky insults, to keep you unsure. These actions aren’t random—they’re planned to make you feel weak and controlled.
They give affection only when you meet their hidden rules.
Ignoring you makes you try harder to fix things, giving them power.
Ruining Special Moments To Stay In Control
Think about a time you were excited for something big, like a birthday or promotion. Suddenly, they act upset, start a fight, or seem uninterested. This isn’t by accident. Female covert narcissists often ruin happy moments to make everything about them.
By doing this, they make sure you’re always focused on their feelings, even during your best times. Over time, this can stop you from enjoying important events without their approval.
Tip: If you notice these behaviors, remind yourself it’s not your fault. You deserve steady love and support, not games and control.
3. The Isolation Tactic Female Covert Narcissists Orchestrate
Have you ever felt someone pulling you away from loved ones? Female covert narcissists are skilled at isolating people. They use sneaky methods to break your support system. This makes you rely on them emotionally.
Triangulation Methods To Break Connections
Quietly Turning You Against Friends And Family
It starts with small comments, like saying your friend is “too bossy” or your sibling “takes advantage of you.” At first, these remarks seem harmless or even caring. But over time, they add up and make you doubt those close to you.
You might start wondering if the narcissist sees something you don’t. That’s their goal. By planting distrust, they weaken your relationships. This makes it easier for them to control you.
Creating Drama To Make You Choose
Female covert narcissists don’t stop at small remarks. They create situations where you feel forced to pick sides. For example, they might say, “I don’t feel safe around your friends” or “Your family doesn’t care about you like I do.”
These words make you feel guilty for keeping other relationships. Over time, you may spend less time with loved ones. You focus more on the narcissist’s feelings, giving them more control.
Controlling Information To Gain Power
Sharing Just Enough To Keep You Guessing
Female covert narcissists control what they tell you. They share bits of information but leave out important details. For example, they might mention a fight with a coworker but skip key parts, leaving you confused.
This creates an imbalance of power, as shown below:
Evidence Description | Impact on Power Imbalance |
|---|---|
This tactic divides people, giving the narcissist more control. | |
Different stories are told to different people. | This manipulation keeps others unsure and strengthens the narcissist’s power. |
Ignoring your feelings is a common strategy. | This makes victims doubt themselves, giving the narcissist more authority. |
Comparing you to an ex who “never complained.” | This makes you question yourself and gives the narcissist more control. |
By controlling what you know, they keep you unsure and dependent on them.
Using Your Fears To Push Others Away
From what I’ve seen, female covert narcissists use your fears to isolate you. They might bring up things you’ve shared, like a fear of being alone or a past mistake, to separate you from others.
For example, they might say, “I don’t think your friends understand you” or “Your family doesn’t care about your problems.” These comments play on your insecurities, making you feel like only they understand you.
Over time, this isolation becomes a trap. You might feel like you can’t trust anyone else. This leaves you relying only on the narcissist for emotional support.
Tip: If someone keeps damaging your relationships or using your fears against you, pause and think. Are they helping you connect with others or tearing those connections apart?
4. The Reality Distortion Tactic Female Covert Narcissists Deploy
Clever Gaslighting Tricks
Denying Things Happened To Make You Doubt Yourself
Have you ever heard, “That didn’t happen,” even when you’re sure it did? Female covert narcissists are skilled at making you question your memory. They’ll say past events or conversations never happened, leaving you confused. For example, you might remember them agreeing to something, but later they’ll claim they never did.
This isn’t just annoying—it’s meant to confuse you. When you start doubting your memory, they can control you more easily. From what I’ve seen, this constant denial creates a fog in your mind. You might even think, “Maybe I got it wrong.”
Changing The Past To Fit Their Story
Female covert narcissists don’t just deny things—they change the story. They might twist a disagreement to make it seem like you were the bad guy and they were the victim. Over time, their version of events becomes the one you believe, even if it’s not true.
They do this to protect their “False Self.” Studies show narcissists ignore facts that don’t match their perfect self-image. They create stories that fit their view of reality, helping them stay in control. If you feel like you’re living in someone else’s story, this could be why.
Tip: If someone keeps denying or changing events, write things down. Keeping a journal can help you stay clear about what really happened.
Creating Mental Confusion
Giving Conflicting Stories That Leave You Drained
Imagine hearing two totally different stories about the same thing. Female covert narcissists often do this, leaving you mentally tired. One day, they praise you for something, and the next, they criticize you for the same thing.
This creates cognitive dissonance—a feeling where your thoughts and experiences don’t match. Research shows this confusion can wear you out, making it hard to trust yourself. You might feel stuck, trying to make sense of the contradictions.
“It’s like trying to solve a puzzle that keeps changing.”
Trapping You With No Right Answer
Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, it’s wrong? Female covert narcissists use double bind communication to trap you. They’ll say, “Be honest with me,” but then get mad when you are.
This leaves you feeling stuck. You might think, “If I say this, they’ll be upset. But if I say that, they’ll still be upset.” This isn’t random—it’s a way to keep you unsure and off balance.
Being in a relationship like this can leave you emotionally drained. You might feel like you’re always walking on eggshells, trying not to upset them.
Note: If you feel trapped by mixed messages, remember their reactions are about them—not you.
5. The Identity Erosion Tactic Female Covert Narcissists Execute
Breaking Down Your Confidence
Compliments That Hurt Instead Of Help
Have you ever been praised but felt bad afterward? Female covert narcissists are skilled at giving compliments that sting. They might say, “You look nice today—for a change,” or “I wish I had your courage to wear that.” These words seem kind at first but leave you feeling unsure about yourself.
These comments aren’t accidents. They’re meant to slowly lower your confidence. Over time, you might start doubting how you look, what you do, or even who you are. It’s like tiny drops of negativity filling up your self-esteem bucket until it overflows.
Comparing You To Others To Make You Feel Less
Another trick they use is unfair comparisons. They might say, “Why can’t you be more like [insert name]?” or “My ex never had this issue.” These remarks aren’t just rude—they’re planned.
From what I’ve seen, they often target things you already feel insecure about. If you’ve shared your worries with them, they’ll use those against you. These comparisons make you feel like you’re not good enough, trapping you in a cycle of trying to prove yourself.
Did you know? Studies show that covert narcissists’ blame and criticism can cause lasting self-doubt and harm your sense of identity.
Blaming You For Their Actions
Saying Their Bad Behavior Is Your Fault
Have you ever been blamed for something they did? Female covert narcissists often accuse you of their own mistakes. If they lie, they’ll call you a liar. If they’re being unfair, they’ll say you’re the one being mean.
This does two things: it distracts from their actions and makes you doubt yourself. You might start wondering, “Am I really the problem?” Over time, this can make you lose trust in your own thoughts.
Making You Feel Guilty For Their Mistakes
It gets worse when they twist situations to make you feel bad. For example, if they forget something important, they might say, “You should’ve reminded me—it’s your fault.”
This constant guilt wears you down emotionally. You might start apologizing for things you didn’t even do, giving them more control over you.
Quick Tip: If you’re saying sorry for things that aren’t your fault, pause. Ask yourself, “Am I being blamed unfairly?”
6. The False Hope Tactic Female Covert Narcissists Cultivate
Have you ever felt like someone keeps giving you hope, only to take it away? Female covert narcissists are experts at this. They make you believe things will improve, even when they don’t plan to change. This keeps you stuck, waiting and wishing for better days.
The Intermittent Promise Of Change
Moments That Seem Real But Are Planned
Sometimes, they’ll act like they care. They might say sorry or share their feelings. These moments feel real, and you think, “Maybe they’re changing.” But these moments are not random. They happen when you’re ready to give up or pull away.
From what I’ve seen, these are like “emotional crumbs.” They give you just enough to stay, but not enough to feel happy. It’s like being thirsty and getting a tiny sip of water—never enough to satisfy you.
Being Extra Nice After Treating You Badly
Another trick is love bombing. After ignoring or hurting you, they suddenly act super sweet. They might give you gifts, compliments, or lots of attention. It feels great, like the bad times are over. But it’s not real change—it’s a way to start the cycle again.
Studies show this creates a trauma bond. The ups and downs make you depend on them emotionally. You crave the good moments and ignore the bad ones. This keeps you trapped in a painful cycle.
Exploiting Sunk Cost Fallacy
Making You Feel Guilty For Leaving
Have you ever thought, “I’ve put so much into this—I can’t leave now”? Female covert narcissists use this against you. They remind you of all the time and effort you’ve given. They might say, “After everything we’ve been through, you’re just going to quit?”
This makes you feel bad for wanting to leave. But staying doesn’t make your past efforts worth more. It only adds to your pain.
Promising A Better Future That Never Comes
They also talk about how great things will be later. They might promise to change or say things will improve “soon.” Maybe they say they’ll go to therapy or fix their behavior. But these promises rarely happen.
I’ve seen people hold onto these dreams for years, only to realize nothing changes. These promises keep you focused on the future, so you don’t see the problems now. It’s a way to keep you stuck, always hoping for something better.
Tip: If someone’s actions don’t match their promises, believe their actions. Words mean nothing without proof.
7. The Emotional Hostage Tactic Female Covert Narcissists Leverage
Have you ever felt stuck in a relationship, scared to leave? Female covert narcissists use fear to keep you trapped. They play with your emotions, making it hard to walk away.
Using Fear To Control You
Subtle Threats That Trigger Abandonment Fears
Female covert narcissists know how to make you feel scared. They use small threats to make you fear being left alone. For example, they might say, “If you leave, I don’t know what I’ll do,” or “You’re the only one who understands me.” These words seem harmless but carry a hidden warning: leaving them will cause problems.
Here’s how these tricks work:
Manipulation Tactic | Example | Impact | Consequence |
|---|---|---|---|
“If you leave me, I’ll hurt myself.” | Creates fear and guilt. | Staying in a bad relationship out of worry. | |
Love withdrawal | Refusing affection until you agree. | Makes you feel unloved and distant. | Giving in to avoid feeling rejected. |
These tricks make you feel responsible for their feelings. You might feel guilty just thinking about leaving.
Hinting At Financial Or Social Problems If You Leave
It doesn’t stop with emotional threats. Female covert narcissists also hint at money or social issues if you don’t stay. They might say, “If you leave, I’ll ruin your reputation,” or “You’ll regret losing me.”
Over time, this control gets worse. It starts with jealousy and grows into full control over your life. You might feel stuck, scared of what will happen if you stand up for yourself.
Using Stress To Keep You Stuck
Making You Panic To Stay In Control
Female covert narcissists know how to make you panic. They create stressful moments that leave you feeling frozen or unsure. For example, they might start a fight before something important, leaving you too upset to think clearly.
These moments aren’t accidents. They’re planned to make you feel panicked and unable to act. When you’re in this state, you might agree with them just to stop the stress.
“It’s like being trapped in a maze—you’ll do anything to escape, even if it means giving in.”
Using Your Survival Instincts Against You
From what I’ve seen, female covert narcissists use your natural instincts to control you. They create high-stress situations that make you feel unsafe—emotionally, socially, or financially. This keeps you focused on surviving the moment instead of finding a way out.
For example, they might threaten to ruin your reputation or take away financial support. These actions make you feel like you have no choice but to stay. Over time, this stress wears you down, making it harder to see what’s really happening.
Note: If you feel stuck in fear and stress, remember: You’re not alone. Getting help can give you back your power.
Conclusion
Female covert narcissists use tricks that make you feel stuck, unsure, and very tired emotionally. Spotting these actions is the first step to getting your freedom back. When you learn about their methods—like gaslighting, playing with emotions, and cutting you off from others—you can start to notice the patterns.
Here’s the fact: staying connected to what’s real keeps you safe from their control. It helps you step away from their tricks and start to heal. You don’t have to handle this by yourself. Trust your gut, lean on friends or family, and get help from a professional if needed. You deserve relationships that are fair and kind, not controlling.
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Frequently Asked Questions
How are female covert narcissists different from male covert narcissists?
Female covert narcissists often use feelings to control others. They might guilt-trip or act like a victim. Male covert narcissists may act more passive-aggressive or compete quietly. Both lack empathy and want control, but their ways can differ.
Can a female covert narcissist change how they act?
Change is possible but very rare without therapy. Their traits are deeply rooted, and most don’t think they’re wrong. Therapy can help if they truly want to improve, but this doesn’t happen often.
Why do female covert narcissists seem so nice at first?
They use charm to pull you in. This is called “love-bombing,” where they give you lots of attention and affection. It’s a plan to make you trust them before they start their manipulative behavior.
How do I know if I’m in a trauma bond with a covert narcissist?
Do you feel stuck in the ups and downs of the relationship? Trauma bonds have cycles of kindness followed by hurtful actions. If you excuse bad behavior or feel unable to leave, you might be in one.
Is it my fault if I feel trapped in this relationship?
No, it’s not your fault. Covert narcissists are skilled at making you feel guilty for their actions. They create confusion and blame. Seeing these patterns is the first step to breaking free. It’s about understanding, not blaming yourself.
Can female covert narcissists manipulate their kids too?
Yes, they can. They might pick favorites, guilt-trip, or use their kids to meet their emotional needs. This can cause kids to struggle with low confidence or trusting others later in life.
How can I protect myself from a female covert narcissist?
Set clear boundaries and stick to them. Don’t share too much personal information, as they might use it against you. Get support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist. Remember, you’re not alone, and help is available.
What’s the best way to heal after leaving a covert narcissist?
Work on building your confidence and trusting yourself again. Therapy can help you understand what happened and move forward. Surround yourself with people who support and believe in you. Healing takes time, but it’s possible.