Last updated on January 27th, 2025 at 10:57 am

• Key Takeaways
• 1 Why Narcissists Create A Dynamic Of Being Chased
• 1.1 Narcissistic Supply
• 2. The Dynamics of “Chasing” in Narcissistic Relationships
• 2.1 Why People Chase Narcissists
• 2.2 The Cycle of Idealization, Devaluation, and Discard
• 3. Initial Reactions When You Stop Chasing a Narcissist
• 3.1 The Loss of Narcissistic Supply
• First 24-48 Hours Response Patterns
• 3.2 Impact on Narcissist’s Self-Image
• 3.3 Rage, Power Play, Ego Protection and Retaliation
• 3.4 Insults, Aggression and Verbal Abuse
• 3.5 Defensiveness: The Narcissist Lashes Out
• 3.6 Fear of Abandonment
• 3.7 Loss of Control and Its Consequences
• 3.8 Coping Mechanisms Employed
• 3.9 Playing the Victim Card: Poor Me!
• 3.10 Narcissistic Hoovering Attempts: Trying to Suck You Back In
• 3.11 Abuse by Proxy and Unleashing “Flying Monkeys”
• 3.12 Identifying Flying Monkeys
• 3.13 Handling Mutual Friends
• 3.14 Protecting Your Reputation
• 3.15 Smear Campaigns: Turning Others Against You
• 3.16 Triangulation: Using Others to Get to You
• 3.17 Social Media and Digital Manipulation Tactics
• Online Stalking Behaviors
• Social Media Smear Campaigns
• 3.18 Financial and Professional Retaliation
• Common Workplace Tactics
• Financial Manipulation Attempts
• 3.19 Family Dynamics and Children Considerations
• Co-Parenting Challenges
• Protecting Children From Manipulation
• 4. Increased Attempts at Manipulation And Reconciliation
• 4.1 Love Bombing And Grand Gestures
• 4.2 Future Faking
• 4.3 Guilt-Tripping And Playing The Victim
• 4.4 Gaslighting: Manipulation and Control
• 4.5 Devaluing-Discarding
• 4.6 The Silent Treatment: The Cold Shoulder
• 5. Understanding the Psychology Behind These Reactions
• 5.1 Fear of Abandonment and Loss of Control
• 5.2 Narcissistic Injury and Narcissistic Rage
• 5.3 The Role of Cognitive Dissonance
• 5.4 Narcissistic Collapse
• 6. The Narcissist’s Internal Struggle
• 6.1. Cognitive Dissonance
• 6.2. Conflicting Beliefs About Self-worth And Rejection
• 6.3 Behavioral Shifts Observed
• 6.4 How Narcissists Rationalize The Situation
• 6.5 Devaluation of the Relationship
• 6.6 Reconstructing Their Self-Image
• 7. Seeking New Sources of Narcissistic Supply
• 7.1. Moving On Quickly To New Relationships
• 7.2. The Cycle Of Idealization And Devaluation With New Targets
• 8. Long-Term Effects of No Contact on Narcissists
• 8.1 Narcissistic Collapse
• 8.2 Potential for Self-Reflection
• 9. Communication Changes When the Chase Ends
• 9.1 Erratic Communication Patterns
• 9.2 Manipulative Language Use
• 9.3 Attempts to Re-Establish Contact
• Conclusion
• Frequently Asked Questions
• How Do Narcissists Respond When Ignored?
• Do Narcissists Want You To Chase Them?
• What Happens When You Stop Giving A Narcissist Attention?
• How Does A Narcissist Feel When You Move On?
• What Is A Narcissist’s Reaction To Being Called Out?
• Do Narcissists Prefer To Be Left Alone?
• How Long Will A Narcissist Pursue Someone?
• What Is The Effect Of Giving A Narcissist The Silent Treatment?
• How Does A Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You?
• How Does A Narcissist React When You Stop Chasing Them?
• How Does A Narcissist Think?
• How Can You Get A Narcissist To Chase You?
• What Is The Best Way To React To A Narcissist?
• How Should One Respond To A Narcissist?
• What Does It Mean When A Narcissist Becomes Quiet?
• How Does A Narcissist Behave When They Realize You No Longer Care?
• How Does A Narcissist’s Social Media Behavior Change When You Stop Chasing Them?
• What Is ‘Triangulation’ And How Do Narcissists Use It When You Stop Chasing Them?
• How Does A Narcissist’s Self-Image Change When Someone Stops Chasing Them?
• How Does A Narcissist Initially Respond When You Stop Giving Them Attention?
• How Does A Narcissist’s Behavior Change During The ‘Discard’ Phase?
• What Is ‘Narcissistic Rage’ And How Does It Manifest When You Stop Chasing Them?
• How Does A Narcissist Cope With The Loss Of Narcissistic Supply?
• What Is The ‘Hoover Maneuver’ And How Do Narcissists Use It?
• What Are The Long-Term Effects On A Narcissist When Someone Consistently Maintains No Contact?
• How Does A Narcissist’s Communication Style Change When You Stop Chasing Them?
• What Is ‘Reactive Abuse’ And How Does It Relate To Narcissistic Behavior?
• How Does A Narcissist’s Perception Of The Relationship Change When You Stop Chasing Them?
• What Role Does ‘Cognitive Dissonance’ Play In A Narcissist’s Reaction To Being Ignored?
• How Does A Narcissist’s Future Faking Behavior Change When You Stop Chasing Them?
• How Does A Narcissist’s Smear Campaign Evolve When You Stop Chasing Them?
• What Are The Psychological Impacts On The Person Who Stops Chasing A Narcissist?
• How Can Someone Maintain Their Resolve When A Narcissist Tries To Hoover Them Back?
• Why Do Narcissists Use Manipulative Tactics After Being Ignored?
• What Are The Signs Of Narcissistic Injury When You Stop Chasing?
• How Do Narcissists Use Abuse By Proxy After You Leave?

When you stop chasing a narcissist, they may show intense anger or ‘narcissistic rage‘, feel angry, confused, unpredictable, get hurt and often respond with manipulative behavior designed to regain control.

It’s is like pulling the plug on their primary power source. Suddenly, the spotlight they so desperately crave vanishes, and this can trigger a range of fascinating and sometimes frightening reactions.

In this post, we’ll explore the world of narcissism and how does a narcissist react when you stop chasing them. We’ll dive deep into the possible responses—the drama, the manipulation, the mind games. If you’ve ever wondered what happens behind the curtain when a narcissist feels the absence of your adoration, you’re in for an eye-opening exploration.

Key Takeaways

• Narcissists often react with anger or rage when they lose your attention.
• They might try to manipulate you back with love-bombing or playing the victim.
• Silent treatment is a common tactic used to provoke a response.
• Narcissists may quickly seek new sources of validation when ignored.

1 Why Narcissists Create A Dynamic Of Being Chased

“Kindness from a narcissist is called an illusion.”
― Alice Little

Narcissists often cultivate relationships where they are pursued or “chased” by others. This dynamic serves multiple purposes for the narcissist, reinforcing their sense of importance and desirability. By creating an atmosphere of scarcity around their attention and affection, narcissists can maintain control over their relationships and keep others in a constant state of seeking approval.

The chase dynamic allows narcissists to maintain a sense of power and control in their relationships. By keeping others in pursuit, they can dictate the terms of engagement and maintain an upper hand. This behavior also feeds into their need for constant admiration and attention, as the act of being chased itself serves as a form of narcissistic supply.

Furthermore, the chase dynamic creates an emotional rollercoaster for those involved with the narcissist. The intermittent reinforcement provided by occasional displays of affection or attention can create a powerful psychological hook, similar to the mechanism that makes gambling addictive. This keeps partners invested in the relationship, constantly hoping to recapture the initial “high” of the narcissist’s attention.

1.1 Narcissistic Supply

The concept of “narcissistic supply” is crucial to understanding narcissistic behavior. This term refers to the attention, admiration, and emotional responses that narcissists elicit from others to maintain their self-esteem and sense of importance. Narcissistic supply can be positive (e.g., praise, adoration) or negative (e.g., anger, frustration). The key is that it provides the narcissist with the external validation they desperately need to maintain their grandiose self-image.

Research from the Journal of Clinical Psychology suggests that this constant need for narcissistic supply is linked to underlying feelings of emptiness and a fragile sense of self-worth. Narcissists often lack a stable internal sense of self-esteem, relying instead on external sources of validation to maintain their self-image. This dependency on external validation makes them particularly vulnerable to perceived threats to their ego.

The pursuit of narcissistic supply can lead narcissists to engage in manipulative behaviors, such as love bombing, gaslighting, or creating drama to elicit emotional responses from others. These tactics serve to keep others engaged and providing the attention and admiration the narcissist craves.

2. The Dynamics of “Chasing” in Narcissistic Relationships

2.1 Why People Chase Narcissists

There are several reasons why individuals find themselves chasing narcissists:

1. Trauma bonding: Through a cycle of intermittent reinforcement, where affection is given and withdrawn unpredictably, narcissists create a strong emotional bond. This process, known as trauma bonding, can make it difficult for partners to leave the relationship.
2. Hope for change: Many partners hold onto the hope that if they try hard enough, the narcissist will change and the relationship will improve. This hope is often fueled by periods of intense affection or “love bombing” from the narcissist.
3. Low self-esteem: People with low self-esteem or unresolved childhood issues may be drawn to narcissists, seeking validation and approval they didn’t receive in their formative years.
4. Empathetic nature: Highly empathetic individuals may be attracted to narcissists, believing they can help or heal them. This empathy is often exploited by the narcissist.
5. Excitement and intensity: The emotional highs in narcissistic relationships can be intoxicating, creating an addictive cycle that keeps partners engaged despite the negative aspects.
6. Fear of abandonment: Many people who enter relationships with narcissists have their own deep-seated insecurities or fear of abandonment. Narcissists exploit these vulnerabilities to keep their partners in a constant state of seeking approval and validation.
7. Cognitive dissonance: The stark contrast between the narcissist’s charming facade and their abusive behavior can create cognitive dissonance in their partners. This mental conflict often leads to denial and rationalization of the narcissist’s harmful actions.

A study done by Dr. Donald G. Dutton in the Traumatic bonding: The development of emotional attachments in battered women and other relationships of intermittent abuse found that individuals with low self-esteem and a history of trauma are particularly vulnerable to becoming entangled in these toxic relationships.

2.2 The Cycle of Idealization, Devaluation, and Discard

Narcissistic relationships typically follow a predictable pattern known as the narcissistic abuse cycle. This cycle consists of three main phases: idealization, devaluation, and discard.

During the idealization phase, the narcissist showers their partner with excessive affection and attention. They may engage in love bombing, making grand gestures and promises of a perfect future together. This creates an intense emotional bond and sets unrealistic expectations for the relationship. The partner often feels like they’ve found their soulmate, experiencing a level of connection and understanding they’ve never felt before.

As the relationship progresses, the narcissist begins to show their true colors in the devaluation phase. They may become critical, dismissive, or emotionally abusive. The partner is often left feeling confused and desperately trying to recapture the initial “magic” of the relationship. This phase can be particularly damaging to the partner’s self-esteem and sense of reality.

In the final discard phase, the narcissist may abruptly end the relationship or dramatically reduce their investment in it. This can be devastating for the partner, who has likely become emotionally dependent on the narcissist. However, it’s important to note that the discard phase is often not permanent, as the narcissist may return to restart the cycle when they need a new source of narcissistic supply.

3. Initial Reactions When You Stop Chasing a Narcissist

3.1 The Loss of Narcissistic Supply

First 24-48 Hours Response Patterns

The narcissist’s emotional reactions become intense right away. Research confirms that narcissists see rejection as a direct attack on their identity. My observations show they switch between aggressive outbursts and desperate attempts to win people back.

The narcissist’s first response almost always involves denial. They won’t accept the rejection and try to keep control through manipulation. My practice has shown this phase hits people hardest when they try to break free.

When you stop chasing a narcissist, their primary source of narcissistic supply is suddenly cut off. This loss can trigger a range of intense emotional reactions in the narcissist. The sudden deprivation of attention and admiration can feel like an existential threat to a narcissist, leading to extreme behaviors aimed at regaining control.

The loss of narcissistic supply often forces the narcissist to confront their own insecurities and feelings of emptiness. This can be an intensely uncomfortable experience for them, leading to various coping mechanisms and defense strategies.

“Speaking to narcissists and imagining having a normal

human interaction is called delusion.”
Alice Little

3.2 Impact on Narcissist’s Self-Image

A narcissist’s self-image is often fragile. When you stop chasing them, it challenges their sense of superiority and control. They might react by devaluing you or the relationship, convincing themselves that they didn’t need you anyway. This helps them maintain their inflated sense of self, even in the face of rejection.

3.3 Rage, Power Play, Ego Protection and Retaliation

One of the most common initial reactions from a narcissist when you stop chasing them is intense anger or rage. This emotional outburst serves multiple purposes for the narcissist, acting as a power play aimed at intimidating you into resuming the chase. It also protects their fragile ego by externally directing their feelings of rejection and inadequacy.

The rage response can manifest in various ways, from verbal outbursts to more subtle forms of aggression. The narcissist may lash out with insults, threats, or attempts to manipulate your emotions. This behavior is often a form of retaliation, punishing you for withdrawing their narcissistic supply. It’s important to recognize that this anger is not a reflection of your actions, but rather a manifestation of the narcissist’s own insecurities and fear of abandonment.

A study found that narcissistic individuals are more likely to respond with aggression when faced with ego threats, such as being ignored or rejected. This aggressive response is a defense mechanism, aimed at regaining control and reestablishing their sense of superiority.

3.4 Insults, Aggression and Verbal Abuse

In their attempts to regain control and protect their ego, narcissists may resort to verbal abuse, insults, and aggressive behavior. This can include personal attacks on your character, appearance, or abilities, belittling your achievements or goals, making threats or ultimatums, and engaging in public humiliation or embarrassment. These behaviors are manipulative tactics designed to provoke an emotional response and re-engage you in the toxic cycle.

The verbal abuse and aggression serve multiple purposes for the narcissist. Firstly, it’s an attempt to reassert dominance in the relationship by making you feel small and insignificant. Secondly, it’s a way of externalizing their own feelings of inadequacy and projecting them onto you. Lastly, it’s a method of testing your boundaries to see if you’ll tolerate such behavior and potentially re-engage in the relationship.

3.5 Defensiveness: The Narcissist Lashes Out

Once a narcissist realizes you’re really pulling away, their next reaction is often anger. They may lash out with harsh words or blame you for everything wrong in the relationship. This anger comes from a place of fear and insecurity.

Some ways a narcissist might express anger include:

• Yelling or having angry outbursts
• Sending mean text messages or emails
• Putting you down or insulting you
• Threatening to leave or hurt themselves
• Breaking things or slamming doors

This phase can be scary and upsetting. Remember, the narcissist’s anger is about them, not you. They’re trying to regain control by making you feel bad.

Along with anger, narcissists often get very defensive. They’ll make excuses for their behavior or twist things around to blame you. They might say things like:

• “You’re too sensitive.”
• “I never said/did that. You’re making things up.”
• “If you weren’t so needy, I wouldn’t act this way.”
• “You’re the one with the problem, not me.”

3.6 Fear of Abandonment

When you stop giving a narcissist the attention they crave, it can trigger a deep-seated fear of abandonment. This fear is often masked by their outward confidence, but it lurks beneath the surface. Narcissists depend heavily on external validation to prop up their fragile self-esteem.

Without it, they’re left feeling vulnerable and exposed. This fear of being left alone can lead to desperate attempts to pull you back into their orbit, often using manipulative tactics like guilt-tripping or love bombing.

3.7 Loss of Control and Its Consequences

Control is everything to a narcissist. When you stop chasing them, they feel a significant loss of control over the relationship. This loss can lead to erratic behavior as they scramble to regain their footing. You might notice sudden mood swings or even attempts to undermine your confidence.

Their need to control isn’t just about power; it’s also about maintaining their own sense of stability. Without control, they feel chaotic and unsure, which can result in unpredictable actions.

3.8 Coping Mechanisms Employed

To deal with the discomfort of losing their grip, narcissists often resort to various coping mechanisms. These can include:

• Denial: Convincing themselves they never needed you in the first place.
• Projection: Blaming you for the relationship’s problems to deflect their own insecurities.
• Seeking new supply: Quickly finding someone else to fill the void you’ve left.

3.9 Playing the Victim Card: Poor Me!

Another common reaction is for the narcissist to suddenly portray themselves as the victim. They may claim that you’re being cruel or unfair by withdrawing attention, accuse you of abandoning them when they need you most, or exaggerate or fabricate personal problems to elicit sympathy. This victim-playing is a manipulative strategy aimed at exploiting your empathy and guilt to draw you back into the relationship.

A narcissist playing the victim might say things like:

• “How could you do this to me after all I’ve done for you?”
• “No one has ever hurt me like this before.”
• “I guess I’m just unlovable. Everyone always leaves me.”
• “I can’t live without you. I’ll fall apart if you go.”

They might even threaten self-harm or suicide to get your attention. This behavior can be very manipulative and emotionally draining for their partners.

By positioning themselves as the victim, the narcissist attempts to shift the blame for the relationship’s problems onto you. This can be particularly effective in manipulating empathetic individuals who may feel responsible for the narcissist’s well-being. The narcissist may use phrases like “How could you do this to me?” or “I thought you cared about me” to trigger feelings of guilt and obligation.

“Maybe, the lesson we can all learn from the inner sadness of a Narcissist is to see through our own fabrications, our own illusions so that we can be set free to be real once more.”
― Shannon L. Alder

3.10 Narcissistic Hoovering Attempts: Trying to Suck You Back In

“Hoovering” is a term used to describe a narcissist’s attempts to suck their victim back into the relationship, much like a vacuum cleaner. When you stop chasing them, a narcissist may employ various hoovering techniques to regain your attention and engagement. These can include sudden declarations of love and promises to change, “accidental” encounters or reaching out through mutual friends, grand gestures or gifts, and feigning illness or crisis to elicit care and attention.

Hoovering can take many forms:

• Suddenly being super nice and attentive
• Making grand gestures or gifts
• Promising to change or get help
• “Accidentally” running into you in public
• Reaching out to your friends or family
• Pretending to need your help with something

The goal of hoovering is to reel you back in. Narcissists will say or do whatever they think will work. They might act like the person you first fell in love with. Or they might pretend to be sick or in trouble to play on your sympathy.

These hoovering attempts can be incredibly persuasive, especially if you’re still emotionally invested in the relationship. The narcissist may suddenly seem to embody everything you’ve been wanting from them, promising change and showing remorse for past behavior.

3.11 Abuse by Proxy and Unleashing “Flying Monkeys”

When direct attempts to regain control fail, narcissists may resort to “abuse by proxy” by enlisting others to do their bidding. These individuals, often referred to as “flying monkeys” (a term derived from “The Wizard of Oz”), may be mutual friends, family members, or even new romantic partners. They might reach out to you with messages from the narcissist, try to guilt you into reconnecting, or spread rumors or negative information about you.

The use of flying monkeys serves multiple purposes for the narcissist. It allows them to maintain their facade of innocence while still attempting to manipulate you. It also serves to isolate you from your support network, making you more vulnerable to the narcissist’s influence. Additionally, it can be a way of gathering information about you without directly contacting you.

3.12 Identifying Flying Monkeys

My practice shows that flying monkeys come in two distinct types: benevolent enablers and malevolent actors. You can spot these individuals through specific behaviors:

• They side with the narcissist whatever the evidence
• They spread rumors and gossip about you
• They dismiss or minimize your feelings
• They pass information about you to the narcissist
• They use manipulation tactics to make you doubt yourself

Of course, many flying monkeys don’t realize their role. They believe they help resolve a conflict, unaware of their own manipulation.

3.13 Handling Mutual Friends

My clients’ experience shows that managing mutual friendships brings unique challenges. The emotional toll combines with a real concern: these friends might become unwitting information channels to the narcissist.

Here are the key points to think about when dealing with mutual friends:

1. Establish clear information boundaries
2. Share minimal details about your life
3. Observe their behavior patterns
4. Distance yourself from those who relay information
5. Focus on building new, healthy relationships

3.14 Protecting Your Reputation

My years of counseling show how narcissists systematically try to dismantle their target’s support network. They often launch campaigns to damage your reputation right after you stop chasing them.

These proven strategies will help protect you:

• Document all interactions and keep records of any harassment
• Maintain professional relationships separate from personal drama
• Focus on building strong, genuine connections with trusted individuals
• Avoid engaging in public disputes or defending yourself on social media

Narcissists try to control the narrative by fabricating stories or sharing half-truths that paint you negatively. Responding to these attacks plays into their game. My clients learn to deepen their commitment to genuine relationships and maintain dignity through silence.

Note that people who truly know you will see through the manipulation attempts. Your reputation’s best protection comes from showing integrity in your actions rather than making defensive explanations.

“Narcissists often feign oppression because narcissists always feel entitled.”
― Criss Jami

3.15 Smear Campaigns: Turning Others Against You

If all other attempts to regain control fail, a narcissist may launch a smear campaign against you. This involves spreading false or exaggerated negative information about you to mutual friends, family members, coworkers, or even on social media. The goals of a smear campaign are typically to damage your reputation and credibility, isolate you from your support network, and provoke you into responding, thus re-engaging with the narcissist.

A narcissist might:

• Tell your friends and family that you’re “crazy” or abusive
• Spread rumors about you at work
• Post negative things about you on social media
• Try to turn your kids against you (if you have children together)

The goal of a smear campaign is to isolate you and make you look bad. The narcissist wants to control the narrative about why the relationship ended. They also hope that if everyone turns against you, you’ll have no choice but to come back to them.

Smear campaigns can be particularly distressing as they threaten not just your relationship with the narcissist, but also your broader social connections and potentially even your professional life. The narcissist may twist past events, share private information, or outright lie to paint you in a negative light. This behavior is often an attempt to control the narrative of the relationship’s end and to punish you for withdrawing their narcissistic supply.

3.16 Triangulation: Using Others to Get to You

Another common tactic narcissists use is called triangulation. This means bringing other people into the situation to try and make you jealous or insecure.

Some ways a narcissist might use triangulation include:

• Flirting with others in front of you
• Talking about how great their ex was
• Suddenly posting lots of pictures with other people on social media
• Telling you how much attention they’re getting from others
• Using your friends or family to relay messages to you

The goal of triangulation is to make you feel replaceable. The narcissist wants you to think, “If I don’t chase them, someone else will.” This plays on your fears and insecurities.

Triangulation can be very hurtful. It’s normal to feel jealous or upset when you see a narcissist seeming to move on quickly. But remember, this is all for show. Narcissists struggle to form real, deep connections with anyone.

3.17 Social Media and Digital Manipulation Tactics

My clinical practice has revealed a troubling pattern of narcissists weaponizing social media after you stop giving them attention. Let me share what I’ve discovered about their digital manipulation tactics and how you can stay protected.

Online Stalking Behaviors

Narcissists often resort to digital surveillance when you withdraw attention. They might create multiple anonymous accounts to monitor their former partners. These fake profiles serve multiple purposes:

• They track your daily activities
• They watch your friend connections
• They save screenshots of your posts
• They monitor your location check-ins
• They watch your interactions with others

Their sense of entitlement makes them believe they deserve to know about your life even after you’ve cut contact. They might block you on certain platforms while staying connected on one to keep tabs on you.

Social Media Smear Campaigns

A narcissist’s smear campaign can cause serious damage. My clients have experienced them spread false narratives through digital channels. Their usual targets include:

• Mutual friends and acquaintances
• Family members
• Professional connections
• Online communities

Their goal is to ruin your reputation while protecting their image. They often make up stories about fraud, infidelity, or substance abuse to make you look unstable or untrustworthy.

3.18 Financial and Professional Retaliation

My experience as a workplace psychologist has shown me countless cases where narcissists release professional and financial warfare after losing control. Here’s what you should know about protecting yourself from these devastating tactics.

Common Workplace Tactics

Workplace retaliation follows predictable patterns. Narcissistic colleagues or supervisors use these harmful strategies:

• Spreading false rumors about incompetence
• Intentionally withholding vital information
• Taking credit for your work achievements
• Creating obstacles to block your progress
• Undermining your control with team members

Narcissists appear perfectly calm while they spread these destructive narratives. My experience shows how they expertly weaponize professionalism against their targets. This makes it hard to defend yourself without appearing emotional.

Financial Manipulation Attempts

My career has taught me how to direct clients through complex financial abuse situations. Money becomes their control tool. They might drain joint bank accounts or make big purchases without consent.

Financial abuse escalates when you stop giving them attention. They may:

1. Cut off your access to shared resources
2. Hide or manipulate assets
3. Refuse to pay shared expenses
4. Make unreasonable financial demands
5. Reduce their income to avoid obligations

Money becomes their punishment tool. They reward compliance and withhold funds when they feel vindictive. My clients learn to secure their finances before making any moves to distance themselves.

3.19 Family Dynamics and Children Considerations

My psychological practice has faced its toughest challenge in working with families affected by narcissistic behavior. Experience taught me that children make stopping the chase much more complex.

Co-Parenting Challenges

Traditional co-parenting rarely works with narcissistic ex-partners. Narcissistic parents view their children as extensions of themselves rather than independent individuals.

My practice recommends parallel parenting because it works better. This approach limits direct interaction between parents yet keeps the focus on children’s needs. A business-like arrangement helps parents maintain emotional distance.

• Keep communication strictly about children
• Use written communication channels only
• Document all interactions
• Maintain separate decision-making processes

Protecting Children From Manipulation

Narcissistic parents can cause lasting emotional damage to children. They often use children as pawns in their control games, leading to deep psychological effects.

My clients learn to protect their children from manipulation by:

1. Creating a safe emotional environment
2. Confirming children’s feelings and experiences
3. Maintaining consistent routines
4. Documenting concerning behaviors
5. Getting professional support as needed

More cases show narcissistic parents trying to turn children against their other parent. This behavior, known as parental alienation, needs careful handling and professional help.

4. Increased Attempts at Manipulation And Reconciliation

4.1 Love Bombing And Grand Gestures

When initial attempts to regain control fail, a narcissist may revert to love bombing tactics. This involves showering you with excessive affection, attention, and grand gestures reminiscent of the early stages of your relationship. They might send lavish gifts, plan extravagant dates, bombard you with messages of love and adoration, or make grand promises about changing their behavior.

While these gestures may seem genuine and tempting, it’s important to remember that they are typically short-lived and aimed at re-establishing the narcissist’s control. The intensity of the love bombing is often proportional to the narcissist’s desperation to regain your attention and engagement. It’s a manipulative tactic designed to overwhelm you emotionally and cloud your judgment about the realities of the relationship.

“Most of the narcissists are geniuses and masters of Psychology. But they are using their knowledge to eradicate, rather than to help humanity.”
― Mwanandeke Kindembo

4.2 Future Faking

Future faking is a manipulative tactic where the narcissist makes grand promises about your future together to lure you back into the relationship. They might talk about marriage or long-term commitment, having children or starting a family, buying a house or making other significant life changes. These promises are designed to reignite your hope for the relationship and make you question your decision to disengage.

The allure of future faking lies in its ability to tap into your desires and dreams for the relationship. The narcissist may seem to finally be offering everything you’ve wanted, making it tempting to give the relationship another chance. However, it’s important to remember that these promises are typically empty and designed to create a false sense of security and hope.

Once the narcissist regains control, these plans often evaporate or are indefinitely postponed. The cycle of making and breaking promises can be emotionally exhausting and damaging. It’s crucial to base your decisions on the narcissist’s past actions and patterns of behavior rather than on their promises for the future.

4.3 Guilt-Tripping And Playing The Victim

If love bombing and future faking don’t work, the narcissist may switch to guilt-tripping tactics. They might remind you of all they’ve done for you in the past, claim that you’re abandoning them when they need you most, or exaggerate or fabricate personal problems to elicit sympathy.

This emotional manipulation is designed to exploit your empathy and make you feel responsible for the narcissist’s well-being.

Guilt-tripping can be particularly effective because it taps into your sense of obligation and care for the narcissist. They may use phrases like “After everything I’ve done for you…” or “I don’t know how I’ll survive without you” to make you question your decision to distance yourself. This tactic can be especially potent if you tend to be empathetic or have a strong sense of responsibility towards others.

4.4 Gaslighting: Manipulation and Control

Gaslighting is a particularly insidious form of psychological manipulation where the narcissist attempts to make you question your own reality. When you stop chasing them, they might deny or downplay their past abusive behaviors, claim that you’re overreacting or being too sensitive, or insist that you’re remembering events incorrectly.

The goal of gaslighting is to destabilize your sense of reality and make you doubt your own judgment, thereby making you more susceptible to the narcissist’s influence.

This tactic can be incredibly damaging to your mental health and self-esteem. By constantly questioning your perceptions and memories, the narcissist aims to undermine your confidence in your own judgment. This can make you more reliant on their version of events and more likely to doubt your decision to distance yourself from the relationship.

Some common gaslighting phrases include:

• “That never happened.”
• “You’re too sensitive.”
• “You’re imagining things.”
• “You’re crazy.”

Learning to spot gaslighting is crucial for breaking free from narcissistic abuse on time.

A study published in the American Sociological Review found that gaslighting is a common tactic in abusive relationships and can have severe long-term effects on victims’ mental health.

4.5 Devaluing-Discarding

If all attempts at reconciliation fail, the narcissist may resort to a final cycle of devaluing and discarding. This involves suddenly becoming cold and distant, criticizing you harshly and pointing out your flaws, or abruptly ending the relationship or dramatically reducing contact.

This behavior serves multiple purposes for the narcissist: it protects their ego by framing the end of the relationship as their choice, it’s a final attempt to provoke an emotional reaction from you, and it sets the stage for potential future hoovering attempts.

The devaluing phase can be particularly painful as the narcissist may seem to transform overnight from a loving partner to a cruel critic. They may bring up past issues, criticize your appearance or abilities, or compare you unfavorably to others. This sudden shift is designed to shake your self-esteem and make you doubt your worth, potentially driving you to seek their approval once again.

4.6 The Silent Treatment: The Cold Shoulder

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse where the narcissist completely withdraws communication as a way to punish you and regain control. When you stop chasing them, they might ignore your calls, texts, or attempts to communicate, refuse to acknowledge your presence in social situations, or withhold affection or emotional support. This tactic is designed to make you feel anxious, insecure, and desperate for their attention.

The power of the silent treatment lies in its ability to trigger feelings of rejection and abandonment. The sudden withdrawal of communication can leave you feeling confused, hurt, and eager to reestablish contact. For individuals with abandonment issues or a strong need for closure, the silent treatment can be particularly distressing and may tempt you to reach out to the narcissist, thus reengaging in the relationship.

The silent treatment serves a few purposes for the narcissist:

1. It’s a form of punishment. They’re trying to make you feel bad for pulling away.
2. It’s a way to regain control. They hope you’ll get anxious and reach out first.
3. It protects their ego. By withdrawing, they don’t have to face rejection.
4. It creates mystery. They hope you’ll wonder what they’re up to and get curious.

The silent treatment can be very confusing for partners. You might find yourself wondering, “Do they miss me? Are they okay? Should I reach out?” This uncertainty is exactly what the narcissist wants.

5. Understanding the Psychology Behind These Reactions

Narcissists often display a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. When someone stops chasing them, it triggers a series of psychological responses rooted in their deep-seated insecurities and fear of abandonment.

5.1 Fear of Abandonment and Loss of Control

At the core of narcissistic behavior lies a profound fear of abandonment. When you stop chasing a narcissist, it activates this fear, leading to:

• Intense anxiety about losing their source of attention and validation
• Desperate attempts to regain control over the relationship
• Escalation of manipulative tactics to draw you back into their orbit

The narcissist’s sense of reality is often distorted, with an exaggerated sense of their own importance. Losing someone’s attention challenges this fragile sense of self, potentially triggering a narcissistic injury.

5.2 Narcissistic Injury and Narcissistic Rage

Narcissistic injury occurs when a narcissist’s inflated sense of self is threatened. This can lead to narcissistic rage, characterized by:

• Intense anger and aggressive behavior
• Verbal abuse and emotional manipulation
• Attempts to devalue and discredit the person who has stopped chasing them
• Make threats
• Destroy property
• Become physically aggressive

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading expert on narcissism, explains in her book “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”: “Narcissistic rage is a reaction to narcissistic injury, which is a perceived threat to a narcissist’s self-esteem or self-worth.” 

5.3 The Role of Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance plays a significant role in a narcissist’s reaction. When faced with the reality that someone has stopped pursuing them, narcissists often experience conflicting beliefs:

• Their belief in their superiority and irresistibility
• The evidence that someone has chosen to walk away from them

To resolve this dissonance, narcissists may:

• Rationalize the situation to protect their self-image
• Engage in self-deception to maintain their sense of grandiosity
• Project their feelings of inadequacy onto others

5.4 Narcissistic Collapse

In extreme cases, when a narcissist’s defenses are overwhelmed, they may experience what’s known as a narcissistic collapse. This is characterized by:

• A breakdown of their grandiose facade
• Intense feelings of emptiness and worthlessness
• Potential for self-destructive behaviors or severe depression

It’s important to note that narcissistic collapse is relatively rare and usually temporary. Most narcissists will quickly seek new sources of narcissistic supply to rebuild their self-esteem.

6. The Narcissist’s Internal Struggle

When you stop chasing a narcissist, it initiates an intense internal struggle as they grapple with the loss of attention and validation.

6.1. Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is a state of psychological stress that occurs when a person holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. For narcissists, this dissonance can be particularly acute when someone stops chasing them:

• They believe they are superior and deserving of constant attention
• Yet, someone has chosen to withdraw that attention

This contradiction creates significant emotional turmoil for the narcissist, often leading to erratic behavior as they attempt to resolve this internal conflict.

6.2. Conflicting Beliefs About Self-worth And Rejection

Narcissists often struggle with:

• An inflated sense of self-importance that demands constant validation
• Deep-seated feelings of inadequacy that they desperately try to suppress

When someone stops chasing them, these conflicting beliefs come to the forefront, causing:

• Intense anxiety and emotional instability
• Fluctuations between grandiose behavior and periods of insecurity
• Increased need for external validation from other sources

6.3 Behavioral Shifts Observed

When faced with cognitive dissonance, narcissists often exhibit noticeable changes in behavior. They might become more aggressive or defensive, particularly if their self-worth feels challenged.

Alternatively, they could retreat into a shell of silence, using the silent treatment as a means to regain control. These shifts are not just random; they are strategic moves to protect their fragile ego and reassert dominance.

Cognitive dissonance doesn’t just affect the narcissist. It also significantly impacts victims of narcissistic abuse, leading to confusion and emotional turmoil. The interplay between cognitive dissonance and narcissistic behavior can create a toxic cycle, leaving victims feeling trapped and unsure of their reality.

6.4 How Narcissists Rationalize The Situation

To protect their fragile sense of self, narcissists employ various defense mechanisms to rationalize the situation:

• Projection: They might accuse the other person of being narcissistic or manipulative, projecting their own traits onto them.
• Denial: Some narcissists may simply refuse to acknowledge that the other person has stopped pursuing them, maintaining a false reality.

Dr. Craig Malkin, author of “Rethinking Narcissism,” states: “Narcissists are constantly trying to manage their self-esteem and self-image, and they do this by using a variety of defense mechanisms.” 

6.5 Devaluation of the Relationship

When a narcissist faces rejection, they often resort to downplaying the significance of the relationship. They might act as if it never held any real value to them. This is a defense mechanism to protect their fragile ego.

They might say things like, “I never really cared that much anyway,” or, “It was just a fling.” By devaluing the relationship, they attempt to minimize the emotional impact of the rejection. This tactic serves to maintain their sense of superiority and control.

6.6 Reconstructing Their Self-Image

Rejection can severely threaten a narcissist’s self-image, leading to a need for reconstruction. They might rewrite the narrative of the relationship, casting themselves as the victim or the hero. This helps them rationalize the rejection and preserve their self-worth.

They often engage in self-aggrandizing fantasies where they are still in control or where the other person comes crawling back. This reaction is deeply rooted in their fear of inadequacy and need for superiority. Ultimately, it’s a way to cope with the emotional turmoil that rejection brings.

7. Seeking New Sources of Narcissistic Supply

When faced with the loss of attention from someone who has stopped chasing them, narcissists often quickly seek out new sources of narcissistic supply to fill the void.

7.1. Moving On Quickly To New Relationships

Narcissists may engage in a pattern known as “narcissistic orbiting,” where they:

• Rapidly enter into new relationships or rekindle old ones
• Showcase these new relationships on social media or in public
• Use these new connections to provoke jealousy or regain the attention of the person who stopped chasing them

7.2. The Cycle Of Idealization And Devaluation With New Targets

As narcissists move on to new relationships, they often repeat a predictable cycle of idealization and devaluation. This cycle, sometimes referred to as the narcissistic abuse cycle, typically involves three phases:

1. Idealization (Love Bombing): In this phase, the narcissist showers their new target with excessive affection and attention. They may present themselves as the perfect partner, mirroring the target’s interests and desires.
2. Devaluation: Once the narcissist feels secure in the relationship, they begin to devalue their partner. This can involve criticism, emotional manipulation, and various forms of emotional abuse.
3. Discard: If the partner fails to provide the desired narcissistic supply or challenges the narcissist’s control, they may be discarded. The narcissist then moves on to a new target, restarting the cycle.

This cycle can be incredibly damaging to the emotional health of those involved with the narcissist. Dr. Elinor Greenberg, author of “Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations,” explains: “This cycle is a defense against intimacy and a way for the narcissist to maintain control in relationships.” 

“It is no accident that narcissists and altruists often have a magnetic attraction to one another. Can you see how perfect the fit is? The altruistic feels the need to selflessly serve others and this is just what the narcissist wants. Narcissists want to be worshipped and gratified in every way possible, and this is just what altruists offer, thinking it demonstrates their moral virtue.”
― Ellen Kenner

8. Long-Term Effects of No Contact on Narcissists

8.1 Narcissistic Collapse

When you cut off contact with a narcissist, you might trigger something called a “narcissistic collapse.” This is when their carefully built image starts to fall apart. Without someone to feed their ego, they often feel empty and lost. They might even get depressed or have thoughts of self-harm. It’s like their whole world is crumbling because they don’t have the constant praise they crave.

8.2 Potential for Self-Reflection

Now, while a narcissist might face these intense feelings, there’s a small chance they could start looking inward. This period of no contact might push them to think about themselves in a new way. But let’s be honest, real change is rare. Most narcissists don’t suddenly become self-aware or change their ways unless they get professional help.

In a nutshell, going no contact can really shake up a narcissist’s world. They might feel lost and try to find new ways to get the attention they need. But don’t expect them to change overnight. Blocking a narcissist and sticking to no contact can be tough, but it’s often essential for your own well-being.

9. Communication Changes When the Chase Ends

9.1 Erratic Communication Patterns

When you stop chasing a narcissist, their communication style can become unpredictable. They might switch between being overly attentive and completely ignoring you. This inconsistency is often a tactic to keep you on edge, making you question your decision to step back.

It’s like they’re playing a game, trying to see if you’ll bite and start chasing them again. This erratic behavior can be confusing and emotionally draining.

9.2 Manipulative Language Use

Narcissists are known for their manipulative texting habits. Once you stop chasing them, expect a shift in their language. They might use guilt trips, subtle threats, or even flattery to pull you back in. Their words are carefully chosen to provoke a response, keeping you emotionally hooked.

9.3 Attempts to Re-Establish Contact

After you decide to stop chasing, a narcissist might attempt to re-establish contact through various means. They could use social media, mutual friends, or even unexpected calls to get your attention. This is often part of their strategy to regain control or simply to test if they can still influence you.

Conclusion

Stopping the chase with a narcissist is a brave and powerful act. It’s the first step towards reclaiming your life and your happiness. Yes, the narcissist may react in hurtful or manipulative ways. But their reaction is not your responsibility.

Your job now is to focus on your own healing and growth. Surround yourself with supportive people who value and respect you. Take time to rediscover who you are outside of the narcissist’s influence.

Narcissists use predictable tactics to regain control. They switch between love bombing, social media manipulation, financial retaliation and smear campaigns. These patterns become easier to recognize and manage once you understand their strategies.

My clients who use the approaches outlined in this piece see noticeable improvements in their mental well-being within six months.

Healing unfolds at your own pace. This experience might feel daunting at times, but every small step toward freedom counts. Your strength grows daily, and the peace waiting on the other side makes every challenge worthwhile.

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Frequently Asked Questions

How Do Narcissists Respond When Ignored?

Narcissists typically react negatively when ignored, as it challenges their sense of superiority and need for constant attention. They may intensify their manipulative tactics to regain control and attention. This behavior stems from their deep-seated insecurities and fragile sense of self-worth, often leading to emotional abuse in relationships.

The narcissist’s response can range from love bombing to aggressive strategies, depending on the individual and the situation. They might alternate between excessive affection and silent treatment, creating an emotional roller coaster for those around them.

Do Narcissists Want You To Chase Them?

Yes, narcissists often crave being pursued as it feeds their need for external validation. The chase provides them with a sense of power and importance, reinforcing their inflated sense of self. This desire for attention is rooted in their deep insecurities and constant need for narcissistic supply.

Narcissists may employ various manipulative strategies to keep others engaged in this chasing cycle. They might use intermittent reinforcement, alternating between affection and indifference, to keep their partners off-balance and craving their approval. This behavior can create a trauma bond, making it difficult for the non-narcissistic partner to break free from the toxic relationship.

What Happens When You Stop Giving A Narcissist Attention?

When deprived of attention, narcissists often experience a sense of emptiness and may react with intense anger or aggressive behavior. This reaction stems from their reliance on external validation to maintain their self-image. The lack of attention threatens their sense of superiority and control.

In response, they might escalate their manipulative tactics, attempting to provoke a reaction through verbal abuse or emotional manipulation. Alternatively, some narcissists may engage in a “hoovering” phase, where they try to suck their victim back into the relationship through false promises or excessive charm.

How Does A Narcissist Feel When You Move On?

When you move on, a narcissist often experiences a complex mix of emotions, including anger, fear, and sometimes even panic. Their sense of control is threatened, and they may feel a profound loss of narcissistic supply. This can trigger their deep-seated fear of abandonment and feelings of inadequacy.

In response, they might attempt to re-establish contact through various means, such as love bombing or playing the victim. Some narcissists may also engage in smear campaigns to damage your reputation or seek revenge.

What Is A Narcissist’s Reaction To Being Called Out?

When confronted, narcissists often react defensively, employing various manipulation tactics to avoid accountability. They may gaslight, deflect blame, or become aggressive to maintain their false sense of superiority. This reaction stems from their inability to accept criticism and their need to preserve their grandiose self-image.

In some cases, narcissists might temporarily appear remorseful or promise to change, only to revert to their usual behavior once the immediate threat to their ego has passed.

Do Narcissists Prefer To Be Left Alone?

Contrary to what one might expect, narcissists generally do not prefer to be left alone. Their constant need for attention and external validation makes solitude uncomfortable for them. Being alone forces them to confront their inner emptiness and insecurities, which they typically avoid through their interactions with others.

However, narcissists may claim to want solitude as a manipulation tactic, using it to provoke attention or create a sense of mystery. This behavior is part of their overall strategy to maintain control in relationships and keep others engaged in their narcissistic supply cycle.

How Long Will A Narcissist Pursue Someone?

The duration of a narcissist’s pursuit can vary greatly, but it often continues as long as they believe there’s a chance of regaining control or obtaining narcissistic supply. This persistence is driven by their deep-seated need for attention and validation, as well as their inability to accept rejection or loss of control.

Some narcissists may pursue their targets for months or even years, especially if they receive intermittent reinforcement. They might alternate between intense pursuit and periods of withdrawal, creating an emotional rollercoaster for their target.

What Is The Effect Of Giving A Narcissist The Silent Treatment?

Giving a narcissist the silent treatment can have significant psychological impacts, often triggering their deepest insecurities. This approach, also known as the “gray rock method,” can be an effective way to disengage from a narcissist’s manipulative behavior. However, it’s important to use this strategy cautiously and understand its potential consequences.

Initially, the narcissist may intensify their efforts to regain attention, potentially escalating to more aggressive tactics. They might alternate between love bombing and verbal abuse, trying to provoke a reaction. Over time, if the silent treatment persists, some narcissists may seek new sources of narcissistic supply elsewhere.

How Does A Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You?

When a narcissist loses control, they often react with a mix of anger, panic, and intensified manipulation attempts. This loss of control threatens their sense of superiority and exposes their underlying insecurities. They may resort to various tactics to regain their perceived power in the relationship.

Common reactions include gaslighting, emotional blackmail, or playing the victim to elicit sympathy and compliance.

How Does A Narcissist React When You Stop Chasing Them?

When you cease pursuing a narcissist, their reaction can be intense and multifaceted. Initially, they may intensify their efforts to regain your attention, employing tactics like love bombing or creating drama to draw you back in. This behavior stems from their deep-seated need for constant validation and fear of abandonment.

If their initial attempts fail, some narcissists may switch to more aggressive strategies, such as devaluation or smear campaigns. Others might feign indifference while secretly seething or plotting revenge.

How Does A Narcissist Think?

Narcissists typically exhibit a distinct thought pattern characterized by grandiosity, entitlement, and a lack of empathy. They often view themselves as superior to others and believe they deserve special treatment. This inflated self-image is usually a defense mechanism to protect against deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

Their thinking is often black and white, with people categorized as either entirely good (when useful to the narcissist) or completely bad (when not serving the narcissist’s needs). They struggle with accepting criticism and may react defensively to perceived slights.

How Can You Get A Narcissist To Chase You?

It’s important to note that attempting to make a narcissist chase you is generally not advisable and can lead to unhealthy relationship dynamics. Narcissists are often drawn to individuals who provide them with attention, admiration, and validation. However, engaging in this type of interaction can be emotionally draining and potentially harmful.

Instead of trying to attract a narcissist, it’s more beneficial to focus on developing healthy, balanced relationships based on mutual respect and genuine affection. If you find yourself consistently attracted to narcissistic personalities, it may be helpful to explore this pattern with a mental health professional to understand and address any underlying issues.

What Is The Best Way To React To A Narcissist?

The most effective way to react to a narcissist involves setting and maintaining clear boundaries. This approach helps protect your emotional well-being while minimizing the narcissist’s ability to manipulate or control you. It’s crucial to remain calm and composed, avoiding emotional reactions that the narcissist might exploit.

Implementing the “gray rock” technique can be useful, where you provide minimal emotional response to the narcissist’s provocations.

How Should One Respond To A Narcissist?

Responding to a narcissist requires a balanced approach that prioritizes your emotional well-being. It’s crucial to set and maintain firm boundaries, clearly communicating your limits and expectations. Avoid engaging in arguments or trying to prove your point, as this often feeds into the narcissist’s desire for attention and drama.

Practice emotional detachment by using techniques like the “gray rock” method, where you provide minimal emotional response to their provocations. However, be cautious not to completely isolate yourself, as this can lead to further manipulation.

What Does It Mean When A Narcissist Becomes Quiet?

When a narcissist becomes unusually quiet, it can signify various things, often part of their manipulation tactics. This silence, sometimes referred to as the “silent treatment,” may be an attempt to regain control, punish perceived slights, or provoke a reaction from their target. It’s a form of emotional manipulation designed to create anxiety and insecurity in others.

Alternatively, a quiet narcissist might be in a phase of “narcissistic withdrawal,” feeling depleted of narcissistic supply and retreating to recharge. In some cases, it could indicate they’ve found a new source of attention elsewhere.

How Does A Narcissist Behave When They Realize You No Longer Care?

When a narcissist perceives that you no longer care, their behavior can become erratic and potentially intense. This realization threatens their sense of control and challenges their inflated self-image. Initially, they might intensify their efforts to regain your attention through love bombing, guilt-tripping, or creating drama.

If these tactics fail, some narcissists may resort to more aggressive strategies, such as devaluation, smear campaigns, or even revenge-seeking behavior. Others might quickly move on to new sources of narcissistic supply, seemingly forgetting about you entirely.

How Does A Narcissist’s Social Media Behavior Change When You Stop Chasing Them?

When you stop chasing a narcissist, their social media behavior often undergoes noticeable changes. According to Psychology Today, narcissists tend to use social media as a platform for attention-seeking and validation. When deprived of your attention, they may intensify their online presence.

You might notice an increase in their posting frequency, with content designed to provoke a reaction from you. This could include photos with new romantic interests, posts about exciting life events, or cryptic messages that seem directed at you. The narcissist may also engage in “vaguebooking” – posting deliberately vague statuses that invite curiosity and concern from their followers.

Another common tactic is to curate their social media to present an image of a perfect, happy life without you. They might showcase new relationships, career successes, or exciting adventures. This carefully constructed facade serves dual purposes: to make you question your decision to stop chasing them and to attract new sources of narcissistic supply.

What Is ‘Triangulation’ And How Do Narcissists Use It When You Stop Chasing Them?

Triangulation is a manipulative tactic often employed by narcissists when they feel they’re losing control of a relationship. VeryWell Mind defines it as the introduction of a third party into a two-person dynamic, creating a “triangle” of communication. When you stop chasing a narcissist, they may use triangulation to regain your attention and reassert their dominance.

In the context of a romantic relationship, the narcissist might suddenly start mentioning or spending time with an ex-partner or a new love interest. They may flaunt these relationships on social media or in person, hoping to provoke jealousy and insecurity in you. The goal is to make you feel replaceable and to compete for their attention once again.

Triangulation can also involve mutual friends, family members, or even strangers. The narcissist might spread rumors or share private information about you with these third parties, creating a sense of betrayal and isolation.

How Does A Narcissist’s Self-Image Change When Someone Stops Chasing Them?

When someone stops chasing a narcissist, it can have a profound impact on their self-image. According to Psychology Today, narcissists have a fragile sense of self that relies heavily on external validation. When this validation is withdrawn, their self-image can quickly crumble.

Initially, the narcissist may experience a narcissistic injury – a blow to their inflated self-esteem. This can trigger feelings of shame, inadequacy, and even self-loathing, emotions that the narcissist typically works hard to avoid. To protect themselves from these painful feelings, they may engage in various defense mechanisms.

One common response is to double down on their grandiose self-image. The narcissist might convince themselves that they’re better off without you, or that you weren’t worthy of them in the first place. They may also seek out new sources of admiration to bolster their fragile ego and maintain their sense of superiority.

How Does A Narcissist Initially Respond When You Stop Giving Them Attention?

When you stop giving a narcissist attention, their initial response often involves intensified attempts to regain control. This may manifest as love bombing, where they shower you with excessive affection and grand gestures to lure you back. Alternatively, they might resort to manipulative tactics such as guilt-tripping or playing the victim to elicit an emotional response.

The narcissist’s reaction stems from their deep-seated fear of abandonment and need for constant validation. As their sense of superiority is threatened, they may display a range of behaviors from intense anger to feigned indifference, all aimed at regaining your attention and maintaining their narcissistic supply.

How Does A Narcissist’s Behavior Change During The ‘Discard’ Phase?

During the discard phase, a narcissist’s behavior often becomes increasingly erratic and hurtful. They may suddenly treat you with cold indifference, as if your previous relationship meant nothing. This abrupt shift is designed to provoke an emotional response and reassert their control over the dynamic.

The narcissist might openly flirt with or date other people, flaunt new relationships on social media, or speak disparagingly about you to mutual friends. This behavior is part of their attempt to maintain power and force you back into the chasing cycle. It’s important to note that the discard phase doesn’t always mean a permanent end to the relationship, as many narcissists engage in a cyclical pattern of idealization, devaluation, and discard.

What Is ‘Narcissistic Rage’ And How Does It Manifest When You Stop Chasing Them?

Narcissistic rage is an intense, uncontrolled anger that emerges when a narcissist’s fragile self-esteem is threatened. When you stop chasing them, it directly challenges their sense of superiority and control, potentially triggering this rage. It can manifest in various ways, both overt and covert.

Overt narcissistic rage might involve verbal abuse, aggressive behavior, or even physical violence. Covert manifestations could include passive-aggressive actions, silent treatment, or subtle sabotage of your relationships or career. The intensity of the rage often correlates with the perceived threat to their ego, making it a dangerous and unpredictable response to being ignored or abandoned.

How Does A Narcissist Cope With The Loss Of Narcissistic Supply?

When a narcissist loses their primary source of narcissistic supply, they often experience a profound sense of emptiness and instability. Their inflated self-image begins to crumble, leading to intense feelings of shame, inadequacy, and even depression. To cope with this loss, narcissists typically employ various defense mechanisms.

One common coping strategy is to quickly seek out new sources of narcissistic supply. This might involve love bombing a new romantic interest, throwing themselves into work for external validation, or intensifying their social media presence to garner attention. Alternatively, they might double down on their grandiose self-image, convincing themselves that they’re better off without you and that you weren’t worthy of them in the first place.

What Is The ‘Hoover Maneuver’ And How Do Narcissists Use It?

The Hoover Maneuver, named after the vacuum cleaner brand, is a manipulative tactic narcissists employ to “suck” you back into the relationship after a period of separation or discard. This maneuver typically involves sudden, seemingly sincere attempts at reconciliation or reconnection.

Narcissists might use love bombing, making grand promises of change, or appealing to your empathy by sharing stories of personal hardship. They may also employ more subtle tactics like “breadcrumbing” – dropping small hints of interest to keep you emotionally invested. The goal of hoovering is to regain control and secure a source of narcissistic supply, not to genuinely reconcile or improve the relationship.

What Are The Long-Term Effects On A Narcissist When Someone Consistently Maintains No Contact?

When someone consistently maintains no contact with a narcissist, it can have significant long-term effects on their behavior and psychological state. Without the constant stream of narcissistic supply, they may experience what’s known as a narcissistic collapse, where their carefully constructed false self begins to crumble.

During this period, the narcissist might experience intense feelings of emptiness, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. They’re forced to confront their deep-seated insecurities and feelings of inadequacy without external validation to prop up their self-esteem. In rare cases, this experience can lead to self-reflection and personal growth. However, more commonly, the narcissist will eventually seek out new sources of narcissistic supply to rebuild their self-image.

How Does A Narcissist’s Communication Style Change When You Stop Chasing Them?

When you stop chasing a narcissist, their communication style often becomes more erratic and manipulative. Initially, you might notice an increase in love bombing – excessive flattery, promises, and declarations of affection designed to win you back. If this doesn’t work, their communication might swing to the other extreme, becoming cold, dismissive, or even openly hostile.

Another common change is an increase in gaslighting attempts. The narcissist might try to manipulate your perception of past events, denying their abusive behaviors or claiming that you’re misremembering things. This is an attempt to make you doubt your own judgment and potentially re-engage with them. They may also use silent treatment as a form of punishment, abruptly cutting off all communication to provoke a reaction from you.

What Is ‘Reactive Abuse’ And How Does It Relate To Narcissistic Behavior?

Reactive abuse occurs when a victim, pushed to their emotional limits by prolonged narcissistic abuse, lashes out at their abuser. This reaction is then used by the narcissist to paint themselves as the victim, further manipulating the situation to their advantage.

When you stop chasing a narcissist, they may intensify their abusive behaviors in an attempt to provoke a reaction from you. If you respond with anger, frustration, or any form of aggression, the narcissist seizes upon this as evidence that you’re the abusive one. They might use this incident to gaslight you, claiming that your reaction justifies their behavior. Reactive abuse can be particularly damaging because it often leads to feelings of guilt and shame in the victim, further entrenching the cycle of narcissistic abuse.

How Does A Narcissist’s Perception Of The Relationship Change When You Stop Chasing Them?

When you stop chasing a narcissist, their perception of the relationship often undergoes a dramatic shift. Initially, they may view your withdrawal as a challenge to be overcome, intensifying their efforts to regain your attention and admiration. This phase is often characterized by increased manipulation and love bombing attempts.

If these efforts fail, the narcissist’s perception may shift to devaluation. They might start to view you as worthless or flawed, convincing themselves that they’re better off without you. This cognitive shift serves as a defense mechanism, protecting their fragile ego from the perceived rejection. In some cases, they may even rewrite the history of the relationship in their mind, casting themselves as the victim and you as the abuser.

What Role Does ‘Cognitive Dissonance’ Play In A Narcissist’s Reaction To Being Ignored?

Cognitive dissonance plays a significant role in a narcissist’s reaction to being ignored. When you stop chasing them, it creates a conflict between their grandiose self-image and the reality of being rejected or abandoned. This discomfort often leads to various psychological defense mechanisms to resolve the dissonance.

The narcissist might engage in reality distortion, convincing themselves that you’re still interested but playing hard to get. Alternatively, they might devalue you in their mind, rationalizing that you weren’t worthy of their attention anyway. In some cases, they may even project their own feelings of inadequacy onto you, believing that you’re the one who’s insecure or afraid of commitment. These cognitive gymnastics help the narcissist maintain their inflated sense of self-worth in the face of perceived rejection.

How Does A Narcissist’s Future Faking Behavior Change When You Stop Chasing Them?

When you stop chasing a narcissist, their future faking behavior often intensifies as a last-ditch effort to regain your interest. Future faking involves making grand promises about a shared future to keep you emotionally invested in the relationship. These promises might include commitments to change, plans for marriage, or dreams of a perfect life together.

As you withdraw, the narcissist may escalate these promises, making them more elaborate and enticing. They might suddenly start discussing concrete plans for the future they previously avoided, or make sweeping declarations about how they’ve changed and are ready for commitment. However, it’s important to remember that these promises are typically empty and designed solely to pull you back into the relationship dynamic where they have control.

How Does A Narcissist’s Smear Campaign Evolve When You Stop Chasing Them?

When you stop chasing a narcissist, their smear campaign often intensifies and evolves. Initially, they might spread subtle rumors or make vague negative comments about you to mutual friends and acquaintances. As they realize you’re not coming back, these tactics may become more overt and malicious.

The narcissist might start fabricating stories about your behavior, painting you as abusive, unstable, or unfaithful. They may use social media to publicly shame you or reach out to your family and colleagues to spread their twisted narrative. The goal of this evolved smear campaign is twofold: to damage your reputation and support system, making it harder for you to move on, and to garner sympathy and attention for themselves as the perceived victim.

What Are The Psychological Impacts On The Person Who Stops Chasing A Narcissist?

Stopping the chase with a narcissist can have profound psychological impacts on the individual. Initially, there’s often a sense of relief mixed with anxiety. The constant emotional rollercoaster of the narcissistic relationship is over, but there may be fear about the narcissist’s potential reactions or uncertainty about the future.

Many individuals experience a period of cognitive dissonance, where they struggle to reconcile their experiences with the narcissist’s manipulated version of reality. This can lead to self-doubt and confusion. There’s also often a grieving process for the relationship and the future that was promised but never materialized.

How Can Someone Maintain Their Resolve When A Narcissist Tries To Hoover Them Back?

Maintaining resolve in the face of a narcissist’s hoovering attempts requires a combination of self-awareness, boundary-setting, and support. It’s crucial to remind yourself of the reasons why you left the relationship and the patterns of abuse you experienced. Keeping a journal or list of these reasons can be helpful when you’re feeling vulnerable.

Implementing and maintaining strict no-contact or limited-contact rules is essential. This might involve blocking the narcissist on all communication channels and social media platforms.

Why Do Narcissists Use Manipulative Tactics After Being Ignored?

Narcissists resort to manipulative tactics after being ignored primarily because their sense of self and emotional regulation are heavily dependent on external validation. When ignored, they experience a narcissistic injury – a blow to their inflated self-image – which triggers intense feelings of shame and inadequacy.

These manipulative tactics serve multiple purposes. They’re an attempt to regain control over the situation and the person ignoring them. They also serve as a means to secure narcissistic supply – the attention and admiration they crave. Additionally, these tactics help the narcissist maintain their grandiose self-image by convincing themselves (and others) that they’re still desirable and in control. Essentially, manipulation becomes a defense mechanism against the threat to their fragile ego posed by being ignored.

What Are The Signs Of Narcissistic Injury When You Stop Chasing?

When you stop chasing a narcissist, signs of narcissistic injury may become apparent in their behavior. One common sign is an intense emotional reaction, which can range from rage to depression. The narcissist might lash out with verbal abuse, threats, or even physical aggression in extreme cases.

Another sign is an increase in manipulative behaviors. This could include love bombing, where they suddenly shower you with affection and promises, or hoovering attempts to draw you back in. You might also notice a ramping up of their grandiose behavior as they try to reassert their perceived superiority. In some cases, the narcissist might engage in self-destructive behaviors or threats of self-harm as a way to garner sympathy and attention.

How Do Narcissists Use Abuse By Proxy After You Leave?

Abuse by proxy is a tactic narcissists often employ after you leave the relationship. This involves manipulating others to carry out their abuse or harassment on their behalf. The narcissist might recruit friends, family members, or even your children to pressure you, guilt you, or gather information about you.

They might spread false narratives about you to mutual acquaintances, turning them into unwitting tools in their smear campaign. In more extreme cases, they may use legal systems, such as false accusations or prolonged custody battles, as a form of proxy abuse.

This tactic allows the narcissist to maintain a facade of innocence while continuing to exert control and cause distress.