Last updated on October 19th, 2025 at 03:22 pm
When you ask, “how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you,” one of the first things you might notice is narcissistic rage. When a narcissist loses control over you, their behavior becomes predictably chaotic. Expect explosive anger, desperate love-bombing attempts, smear campaigns against your character, and sudden victim-playing. Their fragile ego can’t tolerate losing power.
The 7 tactics narcissists use when they’re losing control include gaslighting to distort your reality, hoovering with false apologies, character assassination, threats of self-harm, aggressive outbursts, silent treatment, and guilt-tripping. Let’s understand what happens when a narcissist loses control
The table below shows some common ways narcissists act when they lose control:
Reaction Type | Description |
|---|---|
Narcissistic Rage | Very strong and angry outbursts when they feel hurt. |
Smear Campaign | Telling lies or rumors to hurt your name and get control back. |
Narcissistic Baiting | Trying to upset you so they can feel in charge again. |
Key Takeaways
Narcissists get upset when they can’t control you. They may act angry or try to trick you.
Narcissists often use tricks like lying or making you doubt yourself to confuse and control you.
They might pretend to have big problems to make you feel sorry and pull you back under their control.
Narcissistic rage can look like yelling or acting mean. This happens when they feel scared or attacked.
Smear campaigns mean telling lies about you. They do this to hurt your name and get control back.
Baiting is when they try to make you mad or sad. They want you to feel bad or guilty.
Hoovering tricks, like love bombing, try to pull you back in. They do this after you make rules.
Power and Supply
Narcissists crave control because it helps them feel important and powerful. You might notice that they want to decide what happens and how people act around them. When you stop letting them control you, they can feel threatened. This need for control comes from deep inside. Many experts say that narcissists have a fragile sense of self. They often feel small or insecure, so they try to control others to avoid these feelings.
Narcissists want respect and admiration from you and others.
They feel entitled to special treatment and expect you to follow their rules.
Control helps them hide their insecurities and keep up a confident front.
Early family experiences can shape their need for control.
They use control to protect their self-image and avoid feeling weak.
You may see them use different tactics to keep their power. They might get angry, try to intimidate you, or use manipulation. When you challenge their control, they can become desperate. They may yell, threaten, or even act out physically. Their need for control is strong because it gives them what experts call “narcissistic supply.” This supply means attention, praise, and validation. When you stop giving them this supply, they feel like they are losing their power.
Narcissists react with aggression when their control is threatened.
They may try to scare you or make you feel guilty.
Losing their supply can make them act in extreme ways.
Threats to Self-Image
When you stop feeding a narcissist’s need for control, you challenge their self-image. They often see themselves as special or better than others. If you do not agree with this, they feel hurt. Experts call this a “narcissistic injury.” This injury can make them very angry or upset. They may try to win back your attention with promises or kindness, but this is often just another way to regain control.
When narcissists lose their source of validation, their self-esteem drops. You might notice them acting out, blaming you, or seeking sympathy from others. They may use love-bombing or other tricks to get you back under their control. Their self-image depends on how much power they have over you and others. When you take that away, they feel lost and may go to great lengths to restore their sense of importance.
Narcissistic Rage
This reaction can feel sudden and intense. Narcissists often see any loss of control as a threat to their self-worth. Their anger can come from deep feelings of shame or fear of being exposed.
Outbursts
You may see loud yelling, name-calling, or even breaking things. These outbursts happen because the narcissist feels hurt or embarrassed. They want to scare you into giving back control. Sometimes, they may cry or act overly dramatic to get your attention.
They might shout at you in public or private.
They could slam doors or throw objects.
You may hear them blame you for their anger.
Narcissistic rage is an intense reaction to threats to self-esteem. It often comes from feelings of shame and inadequacy when control is lost. This rage can show up as emotional outbursts or manipulation.
Aggression
Aggression can look different depending on the person. Some narcissists use physical threats, while others use harsh words. They may insult you, threaten to leave, or try to make you feel small. Overt narcissists often show their anger openly. Covert narcissists may use silent treatment or subtle digs instead.
Overt narcissists show anger and try to dominate.
Covert narcissists use passive-aggressive behavior and emotional withdrawal.
Both types want to make you feel guilty or afraid.
Smear Campaigns
Another answer to “How Does A Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You” is the smear campaign. This is when a narcissist tries to ruin your reputation. They want others to see you as the problem so they can stay in control.
Rumors
Narcissists often tell lies or spread rumors about you. They may exaggerate stories or twist facts to make you look bad. Sometimes, they play the victim and say you hurt them. They might even use social media to spread these stories.
They twist facts and distort information.
They play the victim to get sympathy and support.
They shift blame onto you to avoid responsibility.
They enlist friends, family, or coworkers to support their story.
They use gaslighting to make you doubt your own reality.
They may isolate you from others, making it hard to defend yourself.
They intimidate you or others to create fear.
They project their own faults onto you.
They may use cyberbullying, like fake accounts or mean comments online.
Evidence | Description |
|---|---|
Rise in Smear Campaigns | 150% increase in smear campaigns targeting high-performing people and companies over the past three years. |
Cost of Campaigns | Starting a smear campaign can cost less than $100. |
Methods Used | AI-generated content, bots, and fake videos are common tactics. |
Impact | Smear campaigns can change what people see online, hurt confidence, and cause trouble at work or school. |
Undermining Confidence
Narcissists may try to make you doubt yourself. They might say you are not good enough or that others do not like you. This can make you feel alone or unsure. Their goal is to break your confidence so you will give them control again.
They question your choices or abilities.
They make you feel like you cannot trust your own thoughts.
They may say things like, “No one else would put up with you.”
They use small insults or jokes to hurt your self-esteem.
Baiting
Baiting is another common answer to “How Does A Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You.” Narcissists use baiting to get a reaction from you. They want you to feel upset so they can feel powerful again.
Provocation
You may notice the narcissist trying to push your buttons. They might bring up things that make you angry or sad. Sometimes, they use your fears or secrets against you. Their goal is to make you react so they can say you are the problem.
They exploit your fears and insecurities.
They use threats to make you panic.
They exaggerate their own suffering to make you feel guilty.
They target your emotional weak spots to provoke you.
Emotional Triggers
Narcissists know what upsets you. They use this knowledge to control your emotions. You might feel like you are always walking on eggshells. They want you to lose your cool so they can blame you.
They remind you of past mistakes.
They bring up things you regret.
They may use silence or ignore you to make you anxious.
If you face baiting, try not to engage. Set clear boundaries and focus on your own well-being. Seek support from friends or a therapist. Remember, you do not have to join their drama.
When you understand “How Does A Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You,” you can spot these patterns. This helps you protect your self-worth and make healthy choices.
Hoovering
Hoovering happens when a narcissist tries to pull you back in. This can happen after you set boundaries or leave them. You may see them reach out to you suddenly. They might act like nothing happened. Sometimes, they pretend to care about you a lot. This can be confusing. It often comes after a time of anger or silence.
Love Bombing
Love bombing is a common hoovering tactic. The narcissist gives you lots of affection and attention. You might get messages, gifts, or promises to change. Their goal is to make you feel special again. They want you to let your guard down.
You may get texts saying they miss you.
They might send flowers or gifts to you.
They could promise to be the person you want.
Love bombing can feel like too much. You may feel happy at first. But remember, this is a way to get control, not real change.
False Promises
Narcissists often make promises they do not keep. They may say they will go to therapy or change their ways. They might promise to fix everything. These promises sound real, but nothing changes.
They promise to stop hurting you.
They say they will work on themselves.
They talk about a happy future together.
You might hear, “I will never do that again.” Or, “Things will be different this time.” These words are meant to make you doubt your choice. They want you to come back.
Common hoovering tactics include:
Promises to change
Grand gestures
Playing the victim
Guilt-tripping
Sudden need for help
Fake emergencies
Accidental contact
Using others to pressure you
Reliving the past
Love bombing
Narcissists may say they are very sick or threaten self-harm. They do this to get your attention. These actions show how desperate they can be when they lose control.
Playing Victim
When you ask, “How Does A Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You,” you may see them play the victim. They want others to feel sorry for them. They want people to think you are the problem. This helps them avoid blame and get sympathy.
Blame Shifting
Blame shifting means the narcissist blames you. If you set boundaries or leave, they may say you are mean. You might hear, “You never loved me,” or “You make me unhappy.” This can make you feel guilty.
They exaggerate things to make you look bad.
They make up stories to get support.
They say, “Why do you treat me like this?” or “Nobody helps me.”
Aspect | Description |
|---|---|
Purpose | |
Effectiveness | Especially effective when narcissists feel they are losing control. |
Method | Exaggerating situations or fictionalizing conflicts to redirect attention and garner support. |
Sympathy Seeking
Sympathy seeking is another way narcissists try to get power. They may act helpless or sad. They hope you will feel sorry for them. You might hear, “I don’t know what I’ll do if you don’t help me,” or “You don’t care about me.” These words are meant to make you feel responsible for them.
Many people feel confused and worried when faced with these tactics. You may doubt yourself, have trouble sleeping, or lose your appetite. It can be hard to set boundaries when someone always wants your sympathy.
Discard
Sometimes, when narcissists cannot control you, they discard you. This means they leave the relationship and look for someone new.
Withdrawal
Withdrawal can happen fast. The narcissist may stop talking to you. They might ignore your messages or act cold. You may feel relieved, but the silence can feel strange.
They deny what is happening and gaslight you.
They act passive-aggressive and do not care about your feelings.
They try to ruin your happiness.
You may see them spend time with new people. They might change how they look or act.
Seeking New Supply
Narcissists often move on quickly after discarding someone. They look for new relationships to get attention. These new relationships are usually shallow. It is easy for them to replace you.
Narcissists may find a new partner very fast.
Their relationships do not go deep.
This quick change can make you feel confused and hurt.
If you wonder, “How Does A Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You,” remember they often seek new supply. They want to feel powerful and important again.
Signs a narcissist is preparing to discard you:
They deny what is happening and gaslight you.
You feel more free as they lose control.
They talk about ending the relationship.
They pit people against you.
They spend time with someone else.
Their true narcissistic traits show.
They change their looks or habits.
They act passive-aggressive.
They try to ruin your happiness.
If you see these signs, focus on yourself. Setting boundaries and getting support can help you heal and move forward.
Covert vs. Overt Reactions
When a narcissist cannot control you, they react in two main ways. These are called covert and overt reactions. Both types try to get power over you again. They just look different. Knowing the difference helps you spot trouble early. This can help you protect yourself.
Passive Tactics
Covert narcissists use quiet tricks that are hard to see. You may not hear yelling or see anger. Instead, you might feel like something is off. You cannot always tell what is wrong. These tricks can make you doubt your feelings. You may even question what is real.
Here is a table with some common passive tricks covert narcissists use:
Tactic | Description |
|---|---|
Emotional Invalidation | Making you feel like your feelings are “too much” or “wrong.” |
Gaslighting | Twisting reality until you second-guess yourself. |
Manipulation | Nudging you into doing things you would not normally do. |
Playing the Victim | Acting hurt to make you feel guilty and give in. |
Acting Dumb | Pretending not to know something would upset you. |
Ruining Special Moments | Picking fights before important events. |
You might also see these actions:
Guilt-tripping: Making you feel bad for things you did not do.
Emotional blackmail: Saying things like, “If you leave, I’ll hurt myself.”
Indirect talk: Hinting they are upset but not saying it.
Sulking or pouting: Not talking to you on purpose.
Backhanded compliments: Saying something nice that is really mean.
Sometimes you feel like you say sorry all the time. You may not even know what you did wrong. This is a sign of covert tricks. These actions can make you feel small or unsure. You might start to doubt your own memory or feelings.
Tip: If you see these signs, trust yourself. You should feel safe and respected.
Aggressive Tactics
Overt narcissists use loud and clear tricks. You may see big fights, threats, or public scenes. These tricks are meant to scare you. They want you to give up your boundaries.
The table below shows how aggressive tricks look in both types:
Aggressive Tactics | Examples of Tactics | |
|---|---|---|
Overt Narcissist | Direct and flamboyant | Gaslighting, flattery, charm, intimidation |
Covert Narcissist | Subtle, passive-aggressive | Guilt-tripping, playing the victim, silent treatment |
Overt narcissists may:
Yell or insult you in front of others.
Use threats or try to scare you.
Demand attention or praise in a loud way.
Try to embarrass you to get what they want.
Covert narcissists may:
Use sarcasm or sneaky mean comments.
Stop showing love to punish you.
Act like the victim to get others to feel sorry for them.
You might ask, “Why do they do this?” Narcissists use these tricks to get control back. They want you to feel weak so they can feel strong.
Remember: You can set boundaries. You do not have to put up with mean or sneaky behavior from anyone.
Undermining and Isolation
When a narcissist cannot control you, they try to make you feel weak. They want you to doubt yourself and feel alone. You may see your friendships and family bonds start to fade away. Emotional isolation in these relationships can hurt more than being alone physically. They keep telling you that your feelings are wrong. This can make you feel very lonely. You might think nobody else understands you. This makes you feel even more cut off from others.
Public Criticism
Narcissists use public criticism to make you feel bad. They insult you in front of other people. They point out your mistakes so everyone can see. You may hear things like, “You never do anything right,” or “Everyone knows you’re difficult.” These words can hurt your self-esteem. You may start to doubt what you can do.
Here are some ways public criticism happens:
The narcissist jokes about you at parties.
They tell others your secrets or mistakes.
They compare you to other people to make you feel less important.
Type of Criticism | Example | Impact on You |
|---|---|---|
Insults | “You’re so lazy.” | You feel embarrassed and ashamed. |
Mockery | “Look at what you did!” | You lose confidence in yourself. |
Blaming | “It’s always your fault.” | You start to question your actions. |
Public criticism can make you feel nervous and scared to talk. You may stop sharing your ideas because you worry about being judged. After a while, you might believe the negative things the narcissist says.
Tip: If someone criticizes you in public, remember their words do not define you. Find people who respect you and ask for their support.
Turning Others
Narcissists try to make other people turn against you. They spread rumors and tell lies to make you look bad. You may notice friends or family pulling away from you. The narcissist wants you to feel alone so you depend on them for approval.
Ways narcissists turn others against you:
They tell stories that make you seem selfish or mean.
They exaggerate your mistakes to get sympathy.
They act like the victim and say you hurt them.
You may feel lonely and confused as friends stop supporting you. Your self-esteem can drop when you believe what the narcissist says. You might start to let the narcissist make choices for you. The stress and lack of support can make you feel very tired.
Hurting You To Cause Pain
Narcissists don’t just want control—they want you to suffer. They might ruin your career, damage your belongings, or harm your relationships. For example, they could spread rumors at work or send mean messages to your family.
From my experience, clients often call this “psychological warfare.” One client shared how her ex sent fake emails to her boss, accusing her of bad behavior. These actions are planned to upset you and make you doubt yourself.
Stalking And Breaking Boundaries
Watching You Online
Technology gives narcissists new ways to invade your life. They might check your social media, track your location, or hack your accounts. This isn’t just curiosity—it’s about control. They want to know where you are and who you’re with.
Tip: If you think someone is watching you online, change your passwords, use two-factor authentication, and consider a VPN. These steps can help keep you safe.
In the U.S., 9.2% of women and 2.4% of men have been stalked by a partner. Many cases involve people who can’t accept a breakup. Narcissists often stalk because they can’t handle losing control.
Showing Up Without Warning
Narcissists might appear at your home, work, or favorite places without asking. These visits aren’t about fixing things—they’re about scaring you. They want you to feel like you can’t escape them.
Debra Pinals, a psychiatrist, says stalking often comes from emotional struggles. Narcissists, especially rejected ones, may obsess over losing control. This can lead to dangerous behaviors, so it’s important to set clear boundaries.
Remember: If a narcissist invades your space, focus on staying safe. Tell trusted friends or authorities if needed. Your safety is most important.
Narcissists use these extreme tactics to pull you back in. By knowing their tricks, you can take steps to protect yourself and stay independent.
Conclusion
Covert narcissists may not be as loud as other narcissists, but their actions can be just as harmful. By spotting these behaviors, you can protect yourself and keep your emotional strength.
When a narcissist loses control, their actions can feel intense. They may twist facts, blame others, or act like a victim to regain power. Spotting these behaviors is the first step to breaking free. You don’t have to handle this alone—talk to trusted friends, get professional advice, and set clear boundaries.
Transform your Inner Chaos into authentic personal growth!
Stay informed on the latest research advancements covering:
Co-Parenting With A Narcissist
Frequently Asked Questions
What signs show a narcissist is losing control over you?
You may notice more anger, blame, or silent treatment. They might spread rumors or try to make you feel guilty. You could see them act desperate or suddenly ignore you.
Why do narcissists start smear campaigns?
Narcissists want to protect their image. They spread lies to make you look bad and regain control. This helps them get sympathy and support from others.
What triggers a narcissist to lose control?
Narcissists lose control when you set boundaries or stop responding to their manipulation. They thrive on power and attention, so any resistance feels like a threat to their fragile self-esteem. Have you noticed how they react when you say “no”? It’s their fear of losing dominance.
Why do narcissists use gaslighting?
Gaslighting helps narcissists confuse you and regain control. By denying facts or twisting events, they make you question your reality. This tactic isn’t random—it’s calculated. They want you to doubt yourself so they can manipulate you more easily. Have you ever felt like you’re “losing your mind” around them?
How do I protect myself from a narcissist’s manipulation?
Set firm boundaries and stick to them. Don’t engage in their drama or let guilt control you. Surround yourself with supportive people who validate your feelings. Remember, their behavior isn’t your fault. You have the right to prioritize your well-being. Have you tried saying, “This is not okay”?
What should I do if a narcissist spreads lies about me?
Stay calm and document everything. Focus on people who know your true character. Confronting them often fuels their behavior. Instead, let your actions speak louder than their words. Have you considered seeking legal advice if their lies harm your reputation or career?
Is the silent treatment a form of abuse?
Yes, it’s emotional abuse. The silent treatment punishes you and creates anxiety. It’s their way of making you feel invisible and desperate for their attention. If you’ve ever thought, “What did I do wrong?” during their silence, know it’s not about you—it’s about their need for control.