When a narcissist reacts to losing control over you, their behavior becomes intense and calculated. Narcissists thrive on being in charge and soaking up attention, so when they realize they can’t control you, it triggers a strong response. Have you ever noticed how a narcissist reacts when they can’t control you? They might lash out in anger, twist the truth, or manipulate situations to regain a sense of power. These actions aren’t random—they stem from their deep need to maintain control.
Research reveals that 66.5% of individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) admit to relying on harmful coping mechanisms. These behaviors highlight how desperate a narcissist can become when they lose control. They may resort to anger, guilt-tripping, or even playing the victim to draw you back into their grasp.
Understanding how a narcissist reacts when they can’t control you is crucial. It empowers you to stay composed and take steps to neutralize their influence. By setting firm boundaries, you can reclaim control over your emotions and protect your well-being.
Key Takeaways
Narcissists react strongly when they lose control. They may get angry or try to trick you to feel powerful again.
It’s important to set clear rules. This helps you stay in charge of your feelings and keeps you safe.
Narcissists often use tricks like lying or making you doubt yourself to confuse and control you.
They might pretend to have big problems to make you feel sorry and pull you back under their control.
Learning to spot when they put you down or spread lies can help you stay strong and believe in yourself.
Stay calm and write down any lies they tell about you. This can help protect you both legally and emotionally.
If they ignore you on purpose, know it’s a way to hurt and control you.
Getting better after dealing with a narcissist takes time. Take care of yourself, talk to a therapist, and work on feeling confident again.
How Narcissists Act When They Lose Control
When narcissists feel they are losing control, they react quickly. Their behavior can change suddenly, from yelling to sneaky tricks. These actions come from their fear of losing power and feeling weak.
Angry Outbursts And Aggressive Actions
Yelling And Hurtful Words When They Feel Challenged
Narcissists often shout or say mean things when they feel threatened. They might insult you or make cruel comments to upset you. Their anger can seem much bigger than the situation, leaving you confused about what caused it.
When narcissists feel they are losing control, they may act out with extreme anger, called narcissistic rage. This can include yelling, physical threats, or spreading lies to hurt someone’s reputation and regain control.
From my experience with clients dealing with narcissistic partners, these attacks aim to make you doubt yourself. They want you to feel bad or unsure, so they can take back control.
Scary Actions And Threats
Some narcissists take their anger further by acting in scary ways. They might slam doors, get too close to you, or make threatening gestures. Not all narcissists become violent, but these actions are meant to make you afraid and stop you from standing up to them.
Studies support this. Research by Kjærvik and Bushman (2021) looked at over 123,000 people and found a strong link between narcissism and aggression:
Study | Results |
|---|---|
Kjærvik and Bushman (2021) | Narcissism led to 21% more aggression and 18% more violence. |
Triggers | Narcissists became more aggressive when insulted or ignored. |
Types of Aggression | Narcissists showed physical, verbal, and indirect aggression, like bullying. |
Gender and Age | The connection between narcissism and aggression was the same for all genders and ages. |
Fear And Emotional Struggles
Panic When Manipulation Fails
When their tricks stop working, narcissists often panic. They might act desperate or try harder to control you. This fear comes from their fragile self-esteem. Losing control feels like losing who they are, so they react strongly.
Narcissists feel a lot of stress when they fail or face problems. These moments hurt their self-image and can cause angry outbursts.
Even small criticism feels like a big attack to narcissists. It makes them feel weak and panicked.
Blaming Others To Hide Shame
Instead of admitting they feel bad, narcissists blame others. They might say it’s your fault or someone else’s fault. This helps them protect their ego but can leave you feeling hurt and confused.
In my work, I’ve seen this happen often. Narcissists can’t handle failure or rejection, so they blame others. They might call you selfish or ungrateful, even if they caused the problem.
Have you ever wondered why they can’t just say they’re wrong? It’s because their self-worth depends on staying in control. Losing control feels like losing everything to them.
Primary Manipulation Tactics Narcissists Use To Regain Control
When narcissists feel they’re losing control, they use tricks. These tricks are meant to confuse you and take control again. Two common methods they use are gaslighting and triangulation.
Stronger Gaslighting And Twisting Reality
Denying What Happened Or Changing The Story
Gaslighting is a favorite tool for narcissists. They’ll say things didn’t happen or change the story to confuse you. For example, they might claim, “I never said that,” even if you remember it clearly. This isn’t just annoying—it’s meant to make you doubt yourself.
Did you know? Research shows covert narcissists often blame others and twist facts. This causes confusion, making it easier for them to take control again.
From my work with clients, I’ve seen how harmful this can be. One client told me her partner denied saying hurtful things, making her feel like she was “going crazy.” Later, she realized it was a plan to shake her confidence.
Making You Doubt Your Choices And Reality
Narcissists don’t stop at denying events. They also make you question your feelings. They might say, “You’re overreacting,” or “That’s not true,” to make you feel wrong. Over time, this can make you unsure of your decisions and trust their version of events instead.
Studies show gaslighting can cause anxiety, depression, and trauma. Victims often feel stuck, doubting their own thoughts and memories.
Evidence Description | Key Findings |
|---|---|
Reality distortion leads to self-doubt | Victims question their own memories, a sign of gaslighting. |
Anxiety, depression, and trauma are common results of gaslighting. |
Triangulation With Other People
Using Others To Create Jealousy Or Rivalry
Triangulation is another trick narcissists use. They bring in a third person, like a friend or ex, to make you jealous. For example, they might praise someone else a lot or compare you to them. This isn’t about the other person—it’s about making you feel insecure and crave their approval.
Tip: If a narcissist keeps involving others in your relationship, it’s likely a way to control you by making you feel unsure of yourself.
Getting Others To Attack You Indirectly
“Flying monkeys” are people narcissists use to do their dirty work. These people might spread lies, insult you, or pressure you to forgive the narcissist. The narcissist stays hidden while their “monkeys” do the harm.
One client shared how her sibling got family members to guilt her into forgiving him after a fight. The sibling avoided direct conflict but used others to manipulate her.
Tactic | Description |
|---|---|
Giving too much attention early on to create control. | |
Gaslighting | Making someone doubt their memory and feelings, causing confusion. |
Retaliation | Hurting someone through stalking, lies, or threats to regain control. |
These actions are harmful and carefully planned. Knowing these tactics helps you break free from their control.
Emotional Manipulation Patterns When Narcissists Lose Control
When narcissists feel they’re losing control, they use tricks. These tricks play with your emotions and make you feel stuck. Two common methods are emotional blackmail and love bombing.
Emotional Blackmail And Guilt Induction
Pretending To Have Big Problems To Get Your Help
Narcissists often create fake emergencies to grab your attention. If they think you’re pulling away, they might say they’re in trouble. For example, they could claim they’re sick or have money problems only you can fix. These problems usually seem bigger than they really are, but they’re meant to make you focus on them.
Emotional blackmail uses guilt and fear to keep you close. It stops you from setting boundaries and moving on.
This behavior can make you feel stressed and worn out. Studies show emotional blackmail can lead to long-term anxiety and even PTSD. You might feel trapped, always worried about their next “crisis.”
Bringing Up Old Favors To Make You Feel Guilty
Another trick narcissists use is reminding you of past favors. They might say things like, “I helped you when no one else did,” or “You owe me for everything I’ve done.” These comments are meant to make you feel bad and do what they want.
Why it works: You start to wonder if you’re being selfish or unfair.
The result: You feel like you have to stay, even if it hurts you.
Love Bombing And Hoovering Tactics
Sudden Kindness Or Fake Apologies
If guilt doesn’t work, narcissists might act super nice. They could give you gifts, say sweet things, or apologize for hurting you. This is called love bombing, and it’s a way to pull you back in. For example, they might promise to change, but their words often feel fake.
“Narcissistic relationships follow a cycle: love bombing, devaluation, and discard. This keeps you emotionally stuck while they stay in control.”
Clients often say this phase feels confusing. One day, the narcissist is mean. The next day, they’re acting perfect. This back-and-forth keeps you hoping they’ll stay nice.
Acting Like Their Best Self To Win You Back
During this time, narcissists might act like the person you first liked. They’ll say sweet things, make big promises, and treat you like you’re special. But this isn’t real—it’s a plan to get control again.
Common tricks include:
Saying they love you more than anything.
Promising a better future together.
Doing dramatic things, like surprise visits or expensive gifts.
These actions might feel good, but they’re not about you—they’re about control. Once they feel safe again, the cycle of manipulation usually starts over.
How Narcissists React Through Devaluation And Smear Tactics
When narcissists feel they’re losing control, they often attack. They use devaluation and smear tactics to hurt you. These actions are meant to make you feel weak and alone. Let’s look at how they do this.
Character Attacks And Reputation Harm
Mocking Your Success In Public Or Private
Narcissists dislike seeing others succeed, especially without them. If you achieve something, they might mock it or dismiss it. For example, they could say, “That’s not impressive,” or, “Anyone could do that.” These comments are meant to make you doubt yourself.
In private, their words can be even harsher. They might insult your skills, intelligence, or looks. Over time, these constant insults can lower your confidence. You may start wondering if your success even matters, which is what they want.
Sneaky Comments That Hurt Your Confidence
Sometimes, their insults are less obvious but still harmful. They might make jokes about you or give fake compliments like, “You’re smart for someone with no degree.” These remarks seem small but leave you feeling bad. Over time, they can damage your self-esteem.
Experts say narcissists use devaluation to stay in control. They criticize and judge to make you feel drained. It’s not about you—it’s about their need to feel better than you.
Spreading Lies To Hurt Your Image
Telling False Stories To Ruin Your Reputation
When narcissists feel threatened, they spread lies about you. They might tell others you’re “unstable” or “hard to work with.” These lies are meant to make people turn against you and leave you feeling unsupported.
Narcissists don’t feel bad about doing this. Studies show they lack guilt, so they manipulate others without caring about the harm. This makes their smear campaigns cruel and hard to fight.
Turning Friends Or Family Against You
Narcissists are skilled at creating drama. They’ll convince friends or family to take their side by acting like the victim. For example, they might say, “I don’t know why they’re so mean to me,” or, “After all I’ve done for them, this is how they treat me.” These lies make others feel sorry for them and doubt you.
This tactic, called “divide and conquer,” creates mistrust among people close to you. It’s a sneaky way for narcissists to regain control. If you feel like everyone’s against you, it might be because of their lies.
Tip: If someone spreads lies about you, stay calm. Keep track of what’s happening and focus on people who truly support you.
Narcissists act out when they lose control. By knowing their tricks, you can protect yourself and stay confident, even when they try to manipulate you.
Passive-Aggressive Narcissist React Patterns
When narcissists lose control, they don’t always act loudly. Sometimes, they use sneaky, passive-aggressive behaviors that are harmful but harder to notice. These actions can leave you feeling confused and unsure of yourself. Let’s look at how these patterns work and what they mean for you.
Silent Treatment Or Strategic Withdrawal
Acting Cold To Punish Others
Have you ever felt someone suddenly acting distant for no reason? Narcissists often do this to punish you when they feel powerless. They might ignore your messages, avoid talking, or act uninterested. This isn’t random—it’s their way of making you feel rejected and crave their attention.
Did you know? Narcissists use stonewalling, a type of emotional shutdown, to control situations. It can make you feel invisible and worthless, which is their goal.
From my work with clients, many say this is one of the hardest things to deal with. You might think, “Did I do something wrong?” But their cold behavior isn’t about you—it’s about their need for control.
Disappearing To Cause Fear Of Being Left
Another trick narcissists use is disappearing. They might stop talking to you for days or weeks without any explanation. This isn’t about needing space—it’s meant to make you worry about losing them.
Tip: If a narcissist disappears, don’t chase after them. They want you to feel anxious and desperate for their return.
This behavior can make you feel abandoned and question your worth. But remember, their vanishing act is a way to manipulate you, not a sign of your value.
Passive Sabotage And Hidden Aggression
Secretly Hurting Your Relationships
Narcissists don’t always attack openly. Sometimes, they quietly mess with your relationships. They might spread rumors, make comments to create doubt, or turn people against you. For example, they could say, “I heard your friend doesn’t trust you,” to make you suspicious.
Covert narcissists often use sneaky tactics like taking credit for others’ work or causing problems in families. These behaviors can lead to long-term issues in relationships.
In families, this can cause problems that last for generations. Kids raised in these situations may learn these patterns and repeat them later in life.
Undermining You In Subtle Ways
Narcissists are good at quiet sabotage. They might “forget” to share important details, miss deadlines that affect you, or make comments that lower your confidence. For example, they might say, “Are you sure you can handle that job?” to make you doubt yourself.
These actions are hard to prove because they’re so subtle. You might feel like you’re imagining things, which is exactly what they want.
Note: Passive-aggressive sabotage can cause lasting emotional damage, like anxiety and self-doubt. Spotting these behaviors is the first step to protecting yourself.
Passive-aggressive actions may seem quieter than yelling, but they’re just as harmful. By understanding these tactics, you can protect yourself and avoid falling into their traps.
Advanced Control Recapture Strategies By Narcissists
When narcissists feel they’re losing control, they often try harder. Their actions can become more extreme, affecting your emotions, money, and safety. Let’s explore what they might do and how you can protect yourself.
Punishing Behaviors And Revenge Plans
Using Money And Friends Against You
Narcissists may use money or social ties to hurt you. If they control your finances, they might stop paying bills or spend your money. For example, they could empty shared accounts or leave you with debts. This isn’t just about money—it’s about making you feel helpless.
Socially, they might turn friends or coworkers against you. They could spread lies or twist stories to isolate you. These actions are meant to make you feel alone and unsupported.
Did you know? People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are more likely to make false claims, especially in tough situations like custody fights or workplace issues.
Statistic Description | Percentage/Ratio |
|---|---|
U.S. population with NPD | |
Likelihood of false accusations by individuals with NPD | 3 times more likely |
False allegations in custody battles involving a parent with NPD | 45% |
False claims of harassment or misconduct in workplaces by individuals with NPD | 30% |
Increased likelihood of wrongful convictions due to false allegations by individuals with NPD | 25% |
These numbers show how far narcissists might go to regain control. Keep records of money matters and document any false claims. This can help protect you legally and emotionally.
Hurting You To Cause Pain
Narcissists don’t just want control—they want you to suffer. They might ruin your career, damage your belongings, or harm your relationships. For example, they could spread rumors at work or send mean messages to your family.
From my experience, clients often call this “psychological warfare.” One client shared how her ex sent fake emails to her boss, accusing her of bad behavior. These actions are planned to upset you and make you doubt yourself.
Stalking And Breaking Boundaries
Watching You Online
Technology gives narcissists new ways to invade your life. They might check your social media, track your location, or hack your accounts. This isn’t just curiosity—it’s about control. They want to know where you are and who you’re with.
Tip: If you think someone is watching you online, change your passwords, use two-factor authentication, and consider a VPN. These steps can help keep you safe.
In the U.S., 9.2% of women and 2.4% of men have been stalked by a partner. Many cases involve people who can’t accept a breakup. Narcissists often stalk because they can’t handle losing control.
Showing Up Without Warning
Narcissists might appear at your home, work, or favorite places without asking. These visits aren’t about fixing things—they’re about scaring you. They want you to feel like you can’t escape them.
Debra Pinals, a psychiatrist, says stalking often comes from emotional struggles. Narcissists, especially rejected ones, may obsess over losing control. This can lead to dangerous behaviors, so it’s important to set clear boundaries.
Remember: If a narcissist invades your space, focus on staying safe. Tell trusted friends or authorities if needed. Your safety is most important.
Narcissists use these extreme tactics to pull you back in. By knowing their tricks, you can take steps to protect yourself and stay independent.
Covert Narcissist Specific Reactions To Loss Of Control
When covert narcissists lose control, their actions are quieter but still manipulative. Unlike loud and obvious narcissists, covert ones use sneaky methods like acting like a victim or pretending to be a martyr. These behaviors can make you feel guilty, confused, and emotionally tired.
Victim Posturing And Martyrdom
Acting Sad To Get Sympathy From Others
Covert narcissists are great at making themselves look like victims. They might sigh loudly, slump their shoulders, or say things like, “I always help everyone, but no one cares about me.” These actions are planned to make you feel bad for them and question your own actions.
Did you notice? Their sad behavior often makes you feel guilty. You might wonder if you’ve been unfair, even when you haven’t done anything wrong.
Many people I’ve worked with feel stuck because of this behavior. One person shared how her partner always reminded her of the “sacrifices” he made for their relationship. This guilt stopped her from setting boundaries, even though she knew she needed to.
Examples | |
|---|---|
Vague Complaints | Saying things that make you feel guilty without blaming you directly. |
Body Language | Heavy sighs or tired postures that silently say, “Look how much I do for you.” |
Manipulative Words | Phrases like “I always put others first” to make you feel bad. |
Emotional Debt | Making you feel like you owe them for their sacrifices. |
Victim Identity | Acting like their pain is worse than anyone else’s. |
Guilt Traps | Using guilt to make you apologize or give in. |
Social Approval | Gaining sympathy and praise from others by acting like a martyr. |
Making Up Stories About Their Struggles
Covert narcissists don’t just act like victims—they create fake stories to prove it. They might exaggerate problems or make up situations where they were treated unfairly. For example, they could say, “Everyone at work hates me because I’m too good,” or, “You don’t care about me anymore.”
These stories help them in two ways: they get sympathy from others and avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Research shows narcissists often use “virtuous victim signaling,” a trick linked to manipulative traits like lying and scheming.
Narcissists use victim stories to gain sympathy and benefits.
This behavior is part of the “Dark Triad” traits, which include narcissism, lying, and manipulation.
Playing The Victim To Control Others
Using Guilt To Get Their Way
Have you ever felt like you’re always walking on eggshells around someone? Covert narcissists create this feeling on purpose. They make you feel guilty for their problems, even when it’s not your fault. You might hear things like, “If you cared, you’d do this,” or, “I guess I’m not important to you anymore.”
This guilt makes you doubt your choices and put their needs first. Over time, it becomes a pattern:
Tension Builds: They act distant or critical to create stress.
Emotional Blow-Up: They blame you for their unhappiness.
Fake Apology: They promise to change, giving you hope.
Temporary Calm: Things seem better, but the cycle starts again.
Living like this can cause anxiety, sadness, and confusion about who you are. You might even start doubting your own value, which is exactly what they want.
Telling Lies About Being Hurt
Covert narcissists don’t just manipulate you—they involve others too. They might tell friends or family exaggerated stories about how you’ve “hurt” them. For example, they could say, “I’ve done everything for them, and they don’t even care.” These lies are meant to turn people against you and make you feel isolated.
Tip: If someone spreads lies about you, stay calm. Focus on your truth and lean on people who truly support you.
This trick, called “divide and conquer,” creates mistrust and makes you feel alone. It’s a sneaky way for covert narcissists to take back control without looking bad.
Conclusion
Covert narcissists may not be as loud as other narcissists, but their actions can be just as harmful. By spotting these behaviors, you can protect yourself and keep your emotional strength.
When a narcissist loses control, their actions can feel intense. They may twist facts, blame others, or act like a victim to regain power. Spotting these behaviors is the first step to breaking free. You don’t have to handle this alone—talk to trusted friends, get professional advice, and set clear boundaries.
🛡️ Remember: You’re strong. Knowing their tricks, like gaslighting or triangulation, helps you protect your emotions.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What triggers a narcissist to lose control?
Narcissists lose control when you set boundaries or stop responding to their manipulation. They thrive on power and attention, so any resistance feels like a threat to their fragile self-esteem. Have you noticed how they react when you say “no”? It’s their fear of losing dominance.
Why do narcissists use gaslighting?
Gaslighting helps narcissists confuse you and regain control. By denying facts or twisting events, they make you question your reality. This tactic isn’t random—it’s calculated. They want you to doubt yourself so they can manipulate you more easily. Have you ever felt like you’re “losing your mind” around them?
How do I protect myself from a narcissist’s manipulation?
Set firm boundaries and stick to them. Don’t engage in their drama or let guilt control you. Surround yourself with supportive people who validate your feelings. Remember, their behavior isn’t your fault. You have the right to prioritize your well-being. Have you tried saying, “This is not okay”?
Why do narcissists play the victim?
Playing the victim helps them gain sympathy and shift blame. They might exaggerate their struggles or accuse you of being unfair. This tactic makes you feel guilty and keeps you emotionally tied to them. Have you ever felt like you’re always the “bad guy” in their stories?
What should I do if a narcissist spreads lies about me?
Stay calm and document everything. Focus on people who know your true character. Confronting them often fuels their behavior. Instead, let your actions speak louder than their words. Have you considered seeking legal advice if their lies harm your reputation or career?
Is the silent treatment a form of abuse?
Yes, it’s emotional abuse. The silent treatment punishes you and creates anxiety. It’s their way of making you feel invisible and desperate for their attention. If you’ve ever thought, “What did I do wrong?” during their silence, know it’s not about you—it’s about their need for control.
How can I heal after dealing with a narcissist?
Healing takes time. Focus on self-care, therapy, and rebuilding your confidence. Journaling, mindfulness, and connecting with trusted friends can help. Remember, you’re not alone. Many people recover and thrive after narcissistic relationships. Have you considered therapy to process your emotions and regain your strength?