Last updated on September 2nd, 2024 at 11:16 am

• What is a Narcissist?
• The Emotional Rollercoaster
• 1. The High: Love Bombing
• 2. The Drop: Devaluing
• 3. The Twist: Gaslighting
• 4. The Plunge: Discard
• 5. The Loop: Hoovering
• Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics
• Love Bombing
• Devaluing and Criticism
• Gaslighting: Twisting Your Reality
• Triangulation: Creating Jealousy
• Silent Treatment
• Guilt Trips
• Hoovering: Pulling You Back In
• Projection: Blaming You for Their Faults
• The Emotional Impact
• Red Flags of Narcissistic Abuse
• How to Protect Yourself
• 1. Learn About Narcissism
• 2. Trust Your Gut
• 3. Set Firm Boundaries
• 4. Build a Support Network
• 5. Practice Self-Care
• 6. Gray Rock Method
• 7. Plan an Exit Strategy
• Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
• 1. Go No Contact (or Low Contact)
• 2. Allow Yourself to Grieve
• 3. Reclaim Your Identity
• 4. Challenge Negative Thoughts
• 5. Practice Self-Compassion
• 6. Set Goals for the Future
• 7. Consider Therapy
• Conclusion

Have you ever felt like you were on an emotional rollercoaster with someone? Up one minute, down the next? If so, you may have experienced narcissistic abuse. Narcissists are masters at playing with people’s emotions. They use sneaky tricks to make you feel good, then bad, then good again. This leaves you confused and easier to control.

In this post, we’ll look at how narcissists mess with your feelings. We’ll see the tricks they use to keep you off balance. And we’ll learn how to spot these tricks so you can protect yourself.

What is a Narcissist?

A narcissist is someone who only cares about themselves. They want to be seen as the best and most important person all the time. To do this, they often put others down or use them.

Narcissists can seem great at first. They’re often charming and fun to be around. But over time, their true colors show. They start to treat others badly to make themselves feel good.

Some key traits of narcissists are:

• Always needing praise and attention
• Not caring about others’ feelings
• Thinking they’re better than everyone else
• Using people to get what they want
• Getting angry when they don’t get their way
• Never saying sorry or admitting they’re wrong

Dealing with a narcissist can really mess with your head and heart. Let’s look at how they do this.

“Half of the people lie with their lips; the other half with their tears”
― Nassim Nicholas Taleb

The Emotional Rollercoaster

Being with a narcissist is like being on a wild ride at an amusement park. You have huge ups and downs. You feel amazing one minute, then awful the next. This keeps you confused and off balance.

Here’s how the ride usually goes:

1. The High: Love Bombing

At first, the narcissist treats you like gold. They shower you with love, gifts, and attention. This is called “love bombing.” It feels amazing! You think you’ve found your soulmate.

During this phase, the narcissist might:

• Text you all day long
• Buy you lots of presents
• Tell you you’re perfect
• Say they’ve never felt this way before
• Talk about your future together

You feel on top of the world. Everything seems perfect. But it’s not real. The narcissist is setting you up for the next phase.

“pathological narcissists can lose touch with reality in subtle ways that become extremely dangerous over time. When they can’t let go of their need to be admired or recognized, they have to bend or invent a reality in which they remain special despite all messages to the contrary.”
― Bandy X Lee

2. The Drop: Devaluing

Once the narcissist feels they’ve got you hooked, things change. They start to put you down and criticize you. Nothing you do is good enough anymore.

The narcissist might:

• Point out all your flaws
• Compare you to others
• Give you the silent treatment
• Start fights over little things
• Blame you for everything

“Narcissists are consumed with maintaining a shallow false self to others. They’re emotionally crippled souls that are addicted to attention. Because of this they use a multitude of games, in order to receive adoration. Sadly, they are the most ungodly of God’s creations because they don’t show remorse for their actions, take steps to make amends or have empathy for others. They are morally bankrupt.”
― Shannon L. Alder

3. The Twist: Gaslighting

To really mess with your head, narcissists use a trick called gaslighting. This means they try to make you doubt your own memory and feelings.

They might say things like:

• “That never happened. You’re imagining things.”
• “You’re too sensitive. I was just joking.”
• “You’re crazy. No one else thinks that way.”

4. The Plunge: Discard

Eventually, the narcissist may decide they’re done with you. They might leave suddenly or start ignoring you. This is called the “discard” phase.

During discard, the narcissist might:

• Break up out of nowhere
• Ghost you (stop all contact)
• Start dating someone new right away
• Act like you never mattered to them

This leaves you feeling crushed and worthless. All that love from before seems like a lie. You’re left wondering what went wrong.

“Narcissists will never tell you the truth. They live with the fear of abandonment and can’t deal with facing their own shame. Therefore, they will twist the truth, downplay their behavior, blame others and say what ever it takes to remain the victim. They are master manipulators and conartists that don’t believe you are smart enough to figure out the depth of their disloyalty. Their needs will always be more important than telling you any truth that isn’t in their favor..”
― Shannon L. Alder

5. The Loop: Hoovering

Just when you think it’s over, the narcissist comes back. This is called “hoovering” (like the vacuum). They try to suck you back in with sweet talk and promises.

They might say things like:

• “I’ve changed. Things will be different this time.”
• “No one will ever love you like I do.”
• “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

If you go back, the whole cycle starts over again. Up and down and up and down. It’s exhausting and confusing.

Now let’s look closer at some specific tricks narcissists use to control your emotions.

Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics

Narcissists have a whole toolbox of tricks they use to mess with your feelings. Here are some of the most common ones:

Love Bombing

We talked about this before, but it’s worth looking at more closely. Love bombing is when the narcissist showers you with affection and attention early on. It feels amazing, like you’re living in a fairy tale.

The narcissist might:

• Text you constantly
• Buy you gifts for no reason
• Tell you you’re their soulmate
• Say “I love you” very early on
• Make big plans for your future together

This flood of love makes you feel special and chosen. It creates a strong bond quickly. But it’s not real. The narcissist is just setting you up to need their approval later.

“You will never get the truth out of a Narcissist. The closest you will ever come is a story that either makes them the victim or the hero, but never the villain.” – Shannon L. Alder

Devaluing and Criticism

Once they feel they’ve got you hooked, narcissists start tearing you down. They point out all your flaws and make you feel bad about yourself. This is called devaluing.

Some ways they might devalue you:

• Criticize your looks or clothes
• Put down your job or hobbies
• Make fun of you in front of others
• Compare you negatively to other people
• Blame you for their bad moods

Gaslighting: Twisting Your Reality

Gaslighting is one of the most harmful tricks narcissists use. It means trying to make you doubt your own memory and perception of reality. Over time, this can really mess with your head.

Some examples of gaslighting:

• Denying they said or did something you clearly remember
• Telling you you’re “too sensitive” when you get upset
• Insisting you’re imagining problems in the relationship
• Saying your friends and family are lying to you
• Acting like you’re crazy for questioning them

Triangulation: Creating Jealousy

Triangulation means bringing other people into your relationship to make you jealous. The narcissist flirts with or praises others to make you feel insecure.

They might:

• Talk about how great their ex was
• Flirt with the waiter in front of you
• Compare you negatively to a coworker
• Spend lots of time with a “friend” of the opposite sex
• Tell you how many people want to date them

This keeps you on your toes, always trying to prove yourself. You feel like you have to compete for the narcissist’s attention and approval.

“Often the narcissist believes that other people are “faking it”, leveraging emotional displays to achieve a goal. He is convinced that their ostensible “feelings” are grounded in ulterior, non-emotional motives. Faced with other people’s genuine emotions, the narcissist becomes suspicious and embarrassed. He feels compelled to avoid emotion-tinged situations, or worse, experiences surges of almost uncontrollable aggression in the presence of expressed sentiments. They remind him how imperfect he is and how poorly equipped.”
― Sam Vaknin

Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is when the narcissist ignores you to punish you. They might stop talking to you for hours, days, or even weeks. This leaves you feeling confused, guilty, and desperate for their attention.

During silent treatment, the narcissist might:

• Refuse to speak to you or look at you
• Leave the room when you enter
• Not respond to calls or texts
• Act like you don’t exist
• Only talk to you through other people

Guilt Trips

Narcissists are experts at making you feel guilty. They twist things around so everything is your fault. This keeps you always trying to make up for imagined wrongs.

Some examples of narcissistic guilt trips:

• “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”
• “If you really loved me, you’d do this for me.”
• “You’re so selfish. You never think about my needs.”
• “I guess I’m just a terrible person then, right?”
• “Fine, I’ll just do everything myself like always.”

Hoovering: Pulling You Back In

We talked about hoovering before, but it’s worth looking at more closely. Hoovering is when the narcissist tries to suck you back in after pushing you away. They use sweet talk and promises to rope you back into the cycle of abuse.

Some hoovering tactics:

• Sending you gifts or love notes out of the blue
• Promising to change and go to therapy
• Saying they can’t live without you
• Pretending to be sick or in trouble to get your sympathy
• Acting super nice and loving like in the beginning

Hoovering can be hard to resist. The narcissist knows just what to say to play on your feelings. But if you go back, the cycle just starts all over again.

Projection: Blaming You for Their Faults

Projection is when the narcissist accuses you of things they’re actually doing. They can’t accept their own flaws, so they put them on you instead.

Some examples of projection:

• Accusing you of cheating when they’re the one being unfaithful
• Saying you’re selfish when they never think of others
• Calling you a liar when they’re the dishonest one
• Claiming you’re too needy when they demand constant attention
• Saying you’re angry all the time when they’re the one with rage issues

The Emotional Impact

All these manipulation tactics take a huge toll on your emotions and mental health. Being with a narcissist can leave you feeling:

• Confused and unsure of reality
• Anxious and always on edge
• Depressed and hopeless
• Guilty and always apologizing
• Angry but unable to express it
• Worthless and unlovable
• Isolated from friends and family
• Unable to trust your own judgment

Over time, narcissistic abuse can lead to serious problems like:

• Depression
• Anxiety disorders
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Eating disorders
• Substance abuse
• Chronic health issues

It’s important to recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse so you can protect yourself. Let’s look at some red flags to watch out for.

Red Flags of Narcissistic Abuse

Here are some warning signs that you might be dealing with a narcissist:

• They’re charming at first, but it doesn’t last
• Everything is always about them
• They put you down or criticize you often
• You feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them
• They never say sorry or admit they’re wrong
• They twist your words and deny things you know happened
• They use guilt to control you
• Your feelings don’t seem to matter to them
• They have huge mood swings for no reason
• You feel drained and exhausted after spending time with them

If several of these sound familiar, you may be in a relationship with a narcissist. It’s important to get support and start setting boundaries to protect yourself.

How to Protect Yourself

Dealing with a narcissist is hard, but there are ways to protect your mental health. Here are some tips:

1. Learn About Narcissism

The more you understand how narcissists think and act, the easier it is to spot their tricks. Read books, articles, and forums about narcissistic abuse. Knowledge is power!

2. Trust Your Gut

Narcissists try to make you doubt yourself. But deep down, you know when something’s not right. Trust that feeling. Your intuition is trying to protect you.

3. Set Firm Boundaries

Decide what behavior you will and won’t accept. Then stick to it. Don’t let the narcissist push your limits or guilt you into giving in.

4. Build a Support Network

Surround yourself with people who support and believe you. Friends, family, or a therapist can help you stay strong and see things clearly.

5. Practice Self-Care

Take care of your physical and mental health. Exercise, eat well, get enough sleep, and do things you enjoy. The stronger you are, the better you can handle the narcissist’s games.

6. Gray Rock Method

This means being as boring and uninteresting as possible around the narcissist. Don’t react to their drama or give them attention. This takes away their power over you.

7. Plan an Exit Strategy

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, start planning how to leave safely. Save money, gather important documents, and line up a place to stay.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Recovering from narcissistic abuse takes time, but it is possible. Here are some steps to help you heal:

1. Go No Contact (or Low Contact)

If possible, cut off all contact with the narcissist. If you have to interact (like for co-parenting), keep it to a minimum. This gives you space to heal.

2. Allow Yourself to Grieve

It’s normal to feel sad, angry, and hurt. Let yourself feel these emotions. Cry, journal, or talk to a friend. Bottling things up only prolongs the pain.

3. Reclaim Your Identity

Narcissists try to erase your sense of self. Rediscover who you are. What do you like? What are your goals and values? Focus on building yourself up.

4. Challenge Negative Thoughts

The narcissist planted a lot of lies in your head. When you catch yourself thinking negatively, challenge those thoughts. Are they really true? Or are they the narcissist’s voice?

5. Practice Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a lot. Treat yourself with the love and care you’d show a good friend.

6. Set Goals for the Future

Start dreaming again. What do you want your life to look like? Set small, achievable goals to move towards that vision.

7. Consider Therapy

A therapist who understands trauma can help you process your experiences and develop coping skills.

Remember, healing isn’t linear. You’ll have good days and bad days. But with time and support, you can recover and build a happier, healthier life.

Conclusion

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like being on an emotional rollercoaster. The highs are really high, but the lows are crushing. Narcissists use sneaky tricks to control your feelings and keep you off balance.

But knowledge is power. By understanding how narcissists operate, you can start to see through their games. You can protect yourself and start to heal.

Remember, you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Don’t let anyone make you doubt your worth. You are strong, you are valuable, and you can break free from narcissistic abuse.

If you’re dealing with a narcissist, reach out for help. Talk to a trusted friend, join a support group, or see a therapist. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey. But with time, support, and self-care, you can reclaim your life and find happiness again. You’ve got this!