Last updated on September 3rd, 2024 at 02:52 am

• I. Understanding Narcissistic Hoovering
• A. What is hoovering in the context of narcissistic abuse?
• B. Why do narcissists engage in hoovering?
• C. The narcissistic abuse cycle and where hoovering fits in
• D. How hoovering keeps victims trapped in toxic relationships
• II. The Different Types of Hoovering Techniques
• A. Overview of common hoovering tactics narcissists use
• III. Why Hoovering is So Effective
• A. Understanding trauma bonding
• B. The addictive nature of the narcissistic abuse cycle
• C. Exploiting the victim’s empathy and forgiving nature
• D. The role of intermittent reinforcement
• E. How hoovering taps into unhealed wounds and insecurities
• IV. Recognizing the Signs of Hoovering
• A. The hoovering patterns to watch out for
• B. Sudden declarations of love and promises to change
• C. Reaching out on special occasions like birthdays and holidays
• D. Showing up unexpectedly or engineering “chance” encounters
• E. Sending excessive texts, emails, gifts or letters
• F. Using friends and family as flying monkeys
• V. How to Resist Hoovering Attempts
• A. The importance of maintaining no contact
• B. Blocking the narcissist on all forms of communication
• C. Resisting the urge to check their social media
• D. Leaning on a support network of friends and family
• E. Staying busy and focused on healing and recovery
• VI. Coping with the Emotions of Being Hoovered
• A. Understanding the emotional rollercoaster of narcissistic abuse
• B. Managing feelings of longing, guilt, and self-doubt
• C. Grieving the illusion of the relationship you thought you had
• D. Self-care tips for dealing with hoovering attempts
• E. Affirmations and mantras to stay strong in no contact
• VII. When the Narcissist Uses Your Children to Hoover
• A. How narcissists exploit co-parenting arrangements
• B. Using the children as pawns for attention and control
• C. Navigating parallel parenting and grey rock techniques
• D. Protecting your children from psychological manipulation
• VIII. Hoovering and Flying Monkeys
• A. What are narcissistic flying monkeys?
• B. How narcissists use friends and family to bypass no contact
• C. Identifying the flying monkeys in your life
• D. Strategies for dealing with flying monkey attacks

Are you haunted by a toxic past relationship? The narcissist who once dominated your life may still be lurking, ready to draw you back in. Their manipulation tactics, known as “hoovering,” can challenge even the most resilient individuals. But don’t worry – you’re about to gain the knowledge and strength to resist their allure.

This revealing guide will explore the world of narcissistic hoovering techniques. You’ll learn about the subtle ways these manipulators try to pull you back, from excessive flattery to guilt-tripping. We’ll uncover their true motives and help you spot warning signs before you’re ensnared again.

But we won’t stop at understanding their tactics. This is about reclaiming your power. You’ll discover proven strategies to strengthen your emotional defenses and break free from manipulation. Whether you’re recovering from a past narcissistic relationship or struggling to maintain distance, this guide will help you find freedom.

Get ready for a journey of self-discovery and empowerment. By the end, you’ll have the tools to resist the narcissist’s attempts to reconnect and flourish in your independence. Are you prepared to regain control of your life? Let’s begin.

I. Understanding Narcissistic Hoovering

A. What is hoovering in the context of narcissistic abuse?

Hoovering is a manipulative tactic employed by narcissists to regain control over former partners or victims who have managed to break free from their influence. The term draws its name from the Hoover vacuum cleaner brand, metaphorically describing how narcissists attempt to “suck” their targets back into toxic relationships.

In the realm of narcissistic abuse, hoovering refers to any deliberate attempt made by a narcissist to re-establish contact with a former partner or victim after a period of separation or no contact. These attempts can range from seemingly innocent messages to grand gestures of love and remorse. The primary goal of hoovering is to manipulate the target into re-engaging with the narcissist, allowing them to regain control and continue the cycle of abuse.

Hoovering techniques can be subtle or overt and may include:

• Unexpected phone calls or text messages
• Showing up uninvited at the victim’s home or workplace
• Sending gifts or love letters
• Using mutual friends or family members to pass messages
• Creating fake emergencies to elicit a response
• Making public declarations of love or remorse on social media

The insidious nature of hoovering lies in its ability to exploit the emotional vulnerabilities of victims who have previously experienced narcissistic abuse. By tapping into lingering feelings of attachment, guilt, or doubt, narcissists aim to breach the boundaries their former partners have established and draw them back into the toxic dynamic.

It’s crucial to understand that hoovering is not a genuine attempt at reconciliation or personal growth. Instead, it’s a calculated strategy designed to serve the narcissist’s need for control, attention, and narcissistic supply. Recognizing hoovering attempts for what they are is the first step in resisting the temptation to reconnect and maintaining freedom from narcissistic abuse.

B. Why do narcissists engage in hoovering?

Narcissists engage in hoovering for several reasons, all of which stem from their deep-seated need for control, attention, and narcissistic supply. Understanding these motivations can help victims better recognize and resist hoovering attempts. Let’s delve into the primary reasons behind this manipulative behavior:

1. Fear of abandonment: Despite their apparent self-confidence, narcissists often harbor a profound fear of abandonment rooted in childhood experiences. When a partner leaves, it triggers this fear and compels them to try and regain control. Hoovering becomes a desperate attempt to alleviate their anxiety and maintain their fragile sense of self-worth.
2. Need for narcissistic supply: Narcissists rely heavily on external validation and admiration to maintain their inflated self-esteem. When a source of supply is lost, they may attempt to reclaim it through hoovering. This “supply” can come in various forms, including attention, admiration, or even negative reactions that feed their need for drama and control.
3. Desire for control: The act of someone leaving a narcissist represents a significant loss of control, which is intolerable to their fragile ego. Hoovering is an attempt to reassert dominance and control over the situation. By manipulating their former partner into re-engaging, they seek to prove to themselves (and others) that they still hold power over the person.
4. Boredom or lack of other supply: If the narcissist hasn’t found a new source of supply or is between relationships, they may attempt to hoover a former partner out of boredom or desperation. This highlights the narcissist’s view of relationships as sources of entertainment or ego-boosting rather than genuine emotional connections.
5. Challenge to their self-image: Being left challenges the narcissist’s view of themselves as superior and desirable. Hoovering allows them to prove to themselves (and others) that they can still attract and manipulate their former partner. This reaffirmation of their perceived power and desirability is crucial for maintaining their grandiose self-image.
6. Lack of empathy and object constancy: Narcissists often struggle with object constancy, the ability to maintain a positive emotional connection with someone even when they’re not physically present or during conflicts. This, combined with their lack of empathy, means they may not fully grasp the emotional impact of their abusive behavior on their partners. As a result, they may see no reason not to attempt reconnection when it suits their needs.
7. Inability to accept responsibility: Narcissists typically struggle to accept responsibility for their actions or the consequences of their behavior. When a relationship ends due to their abusive conduct, they may engage in hoovering as a way to rewrite the narrative, shifting blame onto their former partner or external circumstances rather than acknowledging their role in the breakup.
8. Thrill of the chase: Some narcissists derive satisfaction from the process of pursuing and winning back a former partner. The challenge of overcoming resistance and manipulating someone into returning can be exciting and ego-boosting for them.
9. Maintaining their public image: Narcissists are often highly concerned with their public image. If a breakup threatens their reputation or how others perceive them, they may engage in hoovering to create the illusion of being the “good guy” who’s trying to make things work.
10. Familiarity and convenience: Sometimes, narcissists hoover simply because it’s easier than finding and grooming a new source of supply. They’re already familiar with their former partner’s vulnerabilities and triggers, making manipulation more straightforward.

Understanding these motivations behind hoovering can help victims of narcissistic abuse recognize that these attempts at reconnection are not about love, remorse, or genuine change. Instead, they’re driven by the narcissist’s self-centered needs and desires.

C. The narcissistic abuse cycle and where hoovering fits in

The narcissistic abuse cycle is a repetitive pattern of behavior that characterizes relationships with narcissists. Understanding this cycle is crucial for recognizing where hoovering fits in and why it can be so effective in drawing victims back into toxic relationships. Let’s break down the cycle and examine how hoovering plays a role:

1. Idealization Phase:

• Also known as the “love bombing” stage
• The narcissist showers their target with attention, affection, and praise
• Creates an intense emotional bond and sets unrealistic expectations
• Victim feels special, loved, and valued

1. Devaluation Phase:

• Narcissist begins to criticize, belittle, and manipulate the victim
• Use of tactics like gaslighting, silent treatment, and emotional manipulation
• Erosion of the victim’s self-esteem and independence
• Victim feels confused, anxious, and desperate to regain the narcissist’s approval

1. Discard Phase:

• Narcissist abruptly ends the relationship or withdraws affection
• May involve cheating, abandonment, or a sudden breakup
• Leaves the victim feeling devastated, worthless, and desperate for closure

This is where hoovering often comes into play. After the discard phase, the narcissist may attempt to restart the cycle through hoovering techniques. Here’s how hoovering fits into the larger picture:

4. Hoovering Phase:

• Narcissist attempts to re-establish contact and draw the victim back in
• May occur immediately after discard or after a period of no contact
• Uses various tactics to appeal to the victim’s emotions and vulnerabilities
• If successful, leads back to the idealization phase, restarting the cycle

Hoovering serves as a bridge between the discard phase and a potential new idealization phase. It’s important to note that the cycle doesn’t always follow a strict linear progression. Sometimes, the narcissist may engage in hoovering attempts during the devaluation phase or even while still in a relationship, especially if they sense their partner pulling away.

The effectiveness of hoovering in this cycle stems from several factors:

• Trauma bonding: The intense emotional highs and lows of the cycle create a strong trauma bond, making it difficult for victims to let go even when they know the relationship is toxic.
• Cognitive dissonance: The contrast between the loving behavior during idealization and the abusive behavior during devaluation creates mental confusion, making victims more susceptible to hoovering attempts.
• Hope for change: Hoovering often involves promises of change or a return to the “good times” of the idealization phase, playing on the victim’s hope that the relationship can improve.
• Fear of abandonment: The discard phase can trigger deep-seated fears of abandonment in victims, making them more receptive to hoovering attempts.
• Addiction to the cycle: The highs and lows of the narcissistic abuse cycle can create a biochemical addiction in the brain, similar to drug addiction, making it challenging for victims to break free.

Understanding where hoovering fits within the narcissistic abuse cycle is crucial for several reasons:

1. It helps victims recognize that hoovering is not a genuine attempt at reconciliation but part of a larger pattern of abuse.
2. It allows victims to anticipate and prepare for hoovering attempts, especially after a discard.
3. It reinforces the importance of breaking the cycle by maintaining no contact and resisting hoovering attempts.
4. It highlights the cyclical nature of narcissistic abuse, emphasizing that returning to the relationship will likely lead to more cycles of idealization, devaluation, and discard.

D. How hoovering keeps victims trapped in toxic relationships

Hoovering is a powerful tool in the narcissist’s arsenal because it exploits the emotional vulnerabilities of their victims, often keeping them trapped in a cycle of toxic relationships. Understanding how hoovering works to maintain this unhealthy dynamic is crucial for breaking free and resisting the temptation to reconnect. Let’s explore the key ways hoovering keeps victims ensnared:

1. Exploiting Trauma Bonds:
   Hoovering takes advantage of the strong emotional bonds formed during the abuse cycle. These trauma bonds, similar to Stockholm Syndrome, create a powerful psychological connection between the victim and the abuser. When the narcissist reaches out through hoovering, it can trigger intense feelings of longing and attachment, making it difficult for the victim to maintain distance.
2. Playing on Empathy and Compassion:
   Many victims of narcissistic abuse are highly empathetic individuals. Hoovering tactics often appeal to this empathy, making the victim feel guilty for “abandoning” the narcissist or responsible for their well-being. The narcissist may present themselves as changed, vulnerable, or in need of help, tugging at the victim’s heartstrings.
3. Triggering Nostalgia and Good Memories:
   Narcissists are skilled at reminding their victims of the good times in the relationship, often during the idealization phase. Hoovering attempts frequently involve references to shared positive experiences, inside jokes, or promises to recreate those happy moments. This can make the victim question their decision to leave and long for the positive aspects of the relationship.
4. Undermining Self-Confidence:
   After enduring narcissistic abuse, many victims struggle with self-doubt and low self-esteem. Hoovering can exploit these insecurities, making the victim question their ability to thrive without the narcissist. The abuser might suggest that the victim will never find someone else or that they’re making a mistake by ending the relationship.
5. Creating False Hope:
   Skilled narcissists may promise change or show temporary improvements in their behavior during hoovering attempts. This can create false hope that the relationship can be salvaged or that the narcissist has genuinely changed. Victims may be tempted to give the relationship “one more chance,” perpetuating the cycle of abuse.
6. Leveraging Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG):
   Hoovering often involves manipulating the victim’s emotions through fear (of being alone or never finding love again), obligation (to the relationship or shared commitments), and guilt (for ending the relationship or hurting the narcissist). This emotional manipulation can cloud judgment and make it harder to maintain boundaries.
7. Exploiting Unresolved Emotional Needs:
   Narcissistic relationships often leave victims with unmet emotional needs for love, validation, and closure. Hoovering attempts can seem to offer the fulfillment of these needs, making them particularly tempting for those still healing from the abuse.
8. Utilizing Intermittent Reinforcement:
   The unpredictable nature of narcissistic behavior, including hoovering attempts, creates a powerful psychological effect similar to gambling addiction. The occasional positive interactions or promises of change act as intermittent reinforcement, keeping the victim hoping for more positive outcomes.
9. Isolating the Victim:
   Throughout the relationship, narcissists often work to isolate their victims from support systems. When hoovering occurs, the victim may feel they have limited options for support or companionship outside of the toxic relationship, making the narcissist’s overtures more appealing.
10. Exploiting Cognitive Dissonance:
    The stark contrast between the narcissist’s abusive behavior and their loving gestures during hoovering can create cognitive dissonance. This mental discomfort can make victims more likely to accept the positive narrative offered by the narcissist during hoovering attempts.
11. Triggering Addiction to the Abuse Cycle:
    The highs and lows of narcissistic relationships can create a biochemical addiction in the brain. Hoovering offers the promise of another “high,” tempting victims back into the cycle even when they logically know it’s harmful.
12. Manipulating Shared Responsibilities:
    If the victim and narcissist have shared commitments (e.g., children, financial ties), hoovering attempts may exploit these connections. The narcissist might use these shared responsibilities as leverage to maintain contact and control.

It’s crucial for those who have experienced narcissistic abuse to remember that the temporary relief or positive feelings that may come from giving in to hoovering are ultimately outweighed by the long-term emotional damage of remaining in a toxic relationship.

II. The Different Types of Hoovering Techniques

A. Overview of common hoovering tactics narcissists use

Narcissists employ a wide array of hoovering tactics to lure their victims back into toxic relationships. These techniques are often tailored to exploit the specific vulnerabilities of their targets. Understanding these common tactics is crucial for recognizing and resisting hoovering attempts. Let’s explore some of the most frequently used hoovering strategies:

1. Direct Contact:

• Unexpected phone calls or text messages
• Emails professing love or remorse
• Social media messages or comments
• Showing up uninvited at home or workplace

1. Indirect Contact:

• Using mutual friends or family members to pass messages
• Spreading rumors or information they know will get back to the victim
• Manipulating shared social circles to gain information about the victim

1. Public Displays:

• Making grand gestures of love or apology in public settings
• Posting emotional messages or declarations on social media
• Creating situations where they’re likely to “run into” the victim

1. Creating Emergencies:

• Fabricating or exaggerating health issues
• Claiming financial crises that only the victim can help with
• Feigning emotional breakdowns or suicidal thoughts

1. Special Occasions:

• Reaching out on birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries
• Sending gifts or cards on significant dates
• Using shared memories or traditions as an excuse to make contact

1. Nostalgia Triggers:

• Referencing shared happy memories or inside jokes
• Sending photos or mementos from the past
• Visiting places that hold special meaning for the relationship

1. Guilt Induction:

• Playing on the victim’s sense of obligation or compassion
• Claiming that no one else understands or supports them
• Suggesting that the victim is cruel or heartless for maintaining distance

1. Threats:

• Making veiled or overt threats of self-harm
• Threatening to reveal secrets or embarrassing information

III. Why Hoovering is So Effective

A. Understanding trauma bonding

Trauma bonding is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when a person forms a strong emotional attachment to their abuser. This bond develops as a result of the intense emotional experiences and power dynamics present in abusive relationships, particularly those involving narcissists.

Key aspects of trauma bonding include:

1. Intermittent reinforcement: The narcissist alternates between affection and abuse, creating a powerful psychological reward system.
2. Stockholm Syndrome: Victims may develop positive feelings towards their abuser as a survival mechanism.
3. Cognitive dissonance: The disparity between the abuser’s loving behavior and abusive actions creates mental confusion.
4. Chemical addiction: The highs and lows of the relationship can create a biochemical addiction in the brain.

Trauma bonding makes hoovering particularly effective because it creates a deep-seated emotional connection that can be difficult to break. Even when victims logically understand the toxic nature of the relationship, the trauma bond can cause intense longing and a desire to reconnect with the narcissist.

B. The addictive nature of the narcissistic abuse cycle

The narcissistic abuse cycle can be likened to an addiction, with the victim becoming psychologically dependent on the emotional rollercoaster of the relationship. This addictive quality makes it challenging for victims to break free and increases their vulnerability to hoovering attempts.

Elements that contribute to the addictive nature of narcissistic abuse include:

1. Dopamine rushes: The intense highs of the idealization phase trigger the release of dopamine, creating a euphoric state.
2. Cortisol spikes: The stress and anxiety of the devaluation phase increase cortisol levels, leading to heightened arousal and alertness.
3. Oxytocin bonding: Physical intimacy and moments of apparent closeness release oxytocin, strengthening the emotional bond.
4. Adrenaline surges: The unpredictability and drama of the relationship can create an adrenaline addiction.

C. Exploiting the victim’s empathy and forgiving nature

Many victims of narcissistic abuse are highly empathetic individuals with a strong capacity for forgiveness. Narcissists are adept at exploiting these qualities during hoovering attempts, using tactics that appeal to the victim’s compassion and desire to help others.

Ways narcissists exploit empathy and forgiveness include:

• Portraying themselves as vulnerable or in need of help
• Appealing to the victim’s sense of loyalty or commitment
• Emphasizing shared history or emotional connection
• Making grand apologies that play on the victim’s forgiving nature
• Using guilt to manipulate the victim into offering support or reconciliation

D. The role of intermittent reinforcement

Intermittent reinforcement is a psychological principle where rewards are given unpredictably and inconsistently. In narcissistic relationships, this manifests as the abuser alternating between affection and abuse, creating a powerful psychological hold on the victim.

The effects of intermittent reinforcement in narcissistic relationships include:

1. Heightened emotional responses: The unpredictability of positive reinforcement makes the good moments seem more intense and rewarding.
2. Increased persistence: Victims may continue to seek approval or affection even in the face of consistent abuse.
3. Difficulty breaking away: The hope of receiving positive reinforcement makes it challenging to leave the relationship permanently.
4. Vulnerability to hoovering: The promise of positive reinforcement during hoovering attempts can be highly tempting.

E. How hoovering taps into unhealed wounds and insecurities

Narcissistic abuse often leaves deep emotional wounds and exacerbates existing insecurities. Skilled narcissists use hoovering techniques that specifically target these vulnerabilities, making their attempts to reconnect particularly potent.

Ways hoovering exploits unhealed wounds and insecurities:

1. Reaffirming false beliefs: Reinforcing negative self-perceptions instilled during the abuse.
2. Promising healing: Offering to “fix” the emotional damage they caused.
3. Exploiting fear of abandonment: Playing on fears of being alone or unlovable.
4. Highlighting perceived inadequacies: Subtly reminding the victim of their “flaws” while positioning themselves as accepting.
5. Offering false validation: Providing temporary boosts to self-esteem to create emotional dependency.

IV. Recognizing the Signs of Hoovering

A. The hoovering patterns to watch out for

Hoovering attempts often follow predictable patterns, especially if you’re familiar with the narcissist’s typical behavior. Some common patterns include:

1. Cyclical hoovering: Attempts that coincide with specific times or events, such as holidays or anniversaries.
2. Escalating intensity: Starting with subtle attempts and gradually becoming more persistent or dramatic.
3. Multi-channel approach: Using various methods of contact (e.g., phone, email, social media) to increase chances of a response.
4. Hot and cold behavior: Alternating between loving messages and indifference or hostility.
5. Repetitive cycles: Repeated attempts followed by periods of silence, then starting over again.

B. Sudden declarations of love and promises to change

One of the most common hoovering tactics is the sudden profession of undying love coupled with promises of significant personal change. This approach aims to appeal to the victim’s hopes for a better relationship and their emotional attachment to the narcissist.

Signs of this tactic include:

• Unexpected messages declaring love and devotion
• Claims of profound personal epiphanies or transformations
• Detailed plans for a perfect future together
• Promises to address all the issues that led to the breakup
• Dramatic gestures or grand romantic overtures

C. Reaching out on special occasions like birthdays and holidays

Narcissists often use significant dates or events as an excuse to make contact. This tactic exploits social norms and emotional vulnerability associated with these occasions.

Examples of this behavior include:

• Sending birthday wishes or gifts
• Holiday greetings or invitations
• Anniversary reminders or nostalgic messages
• Congratulations on personal or professional milestones
• Reaching out during times of celebration or hardship

D. Showing up unexpectedly or engineering “chance” encounters

Some narcissists may resort to physical presence as a hoovering tactic, either by showing up unannounced or orchestrating seemingly coincidental meetings.

Be aware of:

• Unexpected visits to your home or workplace
• Frequenting places you’re known to visit regularly
• Attending events they know you’ll be at
• “Accidentally” running into you in public places
• Enrolling in classes or joining groups you’re part of

E. Sending excessive texts, emails, gifts or letters

Another common hoovering tactic is to inundate the victim with various forms of communication or gifts. This approach aims to wear down the victim’s resolve through sheer persistence.

Signs of this behavior include:

• Multiple messages sent in rapid succession
• Long, emotional emails or letters
• Gifts arriving at your home or workplace
• Excessive social media interactions (likes, comments, shares)
• Leaving numerous voicemails

F. Using friends and family as flying monkeys

“Flying monkeys” is a term used to describe individuals who, either knowingly or unknowingly, act on behalf of the narcissist to manipulate or gain information about the victim. Narcissists may recruit mutual friends, family members, or even your children to re-establish contact or gather intelligence.

Be cautious of:

• Mutual friends suddenly reaching out after a period of silence
• Family members pressuring you to reconcile
• Acquaintances asking probing questions about your personal life
• People passing messages or making pleas on behalf of the narcissist
• Unexpected sympathy or concern from individuals connected to the narcissist

This tactic can be particularly challenging as it involves people you may trust or feel obligated to, making it harder to maintain boundaries.

Recognizing these signs of hoovering is crucial in maintaining distance from a narcissistic ex-partner and protecting yourself from further manipulation. By being aware of these tactics, you can better prepare yourself to resist the urge to re-engage and maintain your hard-won freedom from the toxic relationship.

V. How to Resist Hoovering Attempts

A. The importance of maintaining no contact

Maintaining no contact is crucial when dealing with a narcissist’s hoovering attempts. This approach involves cutting off all forms of communication with the narcissist and, as much as possible, removing their ability to reach you.

Benefits of maintaining no contact include:

1. Breaking the trauma bond: Time and distance can help weaken the emotional connection to the narcissist.
2. Reducing triggers: Limiting exposure to the narcissist reduces opportunities for emotional manipulation.
3. Promoting healing: A period of no contact allows you to focus on your own recovery and personal growth.
4. Regaining perspective: Distance from the relationship helps you see patterns of abuse more clearly.
5. Building resilience: Successfully maintaining no contact strengthens your resolve and self-esteem.

B. Blocking the narcissist on all forms of communication

To effectively maintain no contact, it’s crucial to block the narcissist’s access to you through various communication channels. This step helps prevent hoovering attempts from reaching you and removes the temptation to respond.

Steps to block communication include:

• Phone: Block their number and any known alternate numbers.
• Email: Set up filters to automatically delete or archive their messages.
• Social media: Block their accounts and adjust privacy settings to limit their ability to view your profiles.
• Messaging apps: Block their contacts on WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger, and other platforms.
• Physical mail: Consider setting up a P.O. box or having a trusted friend screen your mail.

C. Resisting the urge to check their social media

One common pitfall in maintaining no contact is the temptation to check the narcissist’s social media accounts. This behavior, often referred to as “digital stalking,” can hinder your healing process and leave you vulnerable to manipulation.

To resist this urge:

1. Unfriend and unfollow: Remove the narcissist from all your social media accounts.
2. Use blocking features: Many platforms allow you to block users so their profiles don’t appear in searches.
3. Delete bookmarks: Remove any saved links to their profiles or pages.
4. Occupy yourself: Engage in alternative activities when you feel the urge to check their accounts.

D. Leaning on a support network of friends and family

Building and utilizing a strong support network is crucial in resisting hoovering attempts and maintaining your resolve. Surrounding yourself with understanding and supportive individuals can provide emotional reinforcement and practical assistance during challenging times.

Ways to leverage your support network:

1. Identify trusted confidants: Choose friends or family members who understand your situation and support your decision to maintain no contact.
2. Communicate your needs: Be clear about what kind of support you need, whether it’s a listening ear, practical help, or accountability.
3. Create a crisis plan: Designate specific individuals to contact if you’re struggling with the urge to respond to hoovering attempts.

E. Staying busy and focused on healing and recovery

One of the most effective ways to resist hoovering is to focus your energy on your own healing and personal growth. By staying busy with positive activities and self-improvement, you reduce the emotional space available for the narcissist’s manipulations.

Strategies for staying focused on healing include:

1. Develop new hobbies: Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.
2. Set personal goals: Work towards achievements in your career, education, or personal life.
3. Practice self-care: Prioritize your physical and emotional well-being through exercise, healthy eating, and relaxation techniques.
4. Journaling: Write about your experiences and emotions to process your feelings and track your progress.
5. Education: Learn more about narcissistic abuse and recovery to reinforce your understanding and resolve.
6. Volunteer: Helping others can provide a sense of purpose and perspective.
7. Travel or explore: Plan trips or local adventures to create new, positive experiences.

VI. Coping with the Emotions of Being Hoovered

A. Understanding the emotional rollercoaster of narcissistic abuse

Narcissistic abuse and subsequent hoovering attempts can trigger a wide range of intense and often conflicting emotions. This emotional turmoil is a normal response to the manipulation and trauma experienced in the relationship.

Common emotions experienced during and after hoovering attempts include:

1. Longing: A deep desire to reconnect with the narcissist, often fueled by memories of good times.
2. Guilt: Feeling responsible for the narcissist’s well-being or for “abandoning” the relationship.
3. Anger: Rage at the narcissist’s continued attempts to manipulate and control.
4. Fear: Anxiety about potential retaliation or fear of never finding another relationship.
5. Confusion: Difficulty reconciling the narcissist’s abusive behavior with their professions of love.
6. Shame: Embarrassment about considering reconnection or feeling vulnerable to manipulation.
7. Hope: A persistent belief that the narcissist might change or that the relationship could improve.
8. Sadness: Grief over the loss of the relationship and the future you had imagined together.

B. Managing feelings of longing, guilt, and self-doubt

Longing, guilt, and self-doubt are particularly challenging emotions that often arise in response to hoovering attempts. These feelings can be intense and may threaten to override your logical decision to maintain no contact.

Strategies for managing these emotions include:

1. Acknowledge the feelings: Recognize that it’s normal to experience these emotions without judging yourself for having them.
2. Challenge cognitive distortions: Identify and question thoughts that fuel guilt or self-doubt, such as “I’m responsible for their happiness” or “I’ll never find someone else.”
3. Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, recognizing the difficulty of your situation.
4. Reframe guilt: Remind yourself that prioritizing your own well-being is not selfish but necessary for healing.
5. Create a “reality check” list: Write down specific instances of abuse or manipulation to review when feeling doubtful about your decision.
6. Engage in grounding exercises: Use techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness to center yourself when overwhelmed by emotions.
7. Redirect longing: Channel feelings of longing into self-care activities or connections with supportive friends and family.

C. Grieving the illusion of the relationship you thought you had

One of the most painful aspects of recovering from narcissistic abuse is grieving the loss of the relationship you believed you had. This grief is complex because you’re not only mourning the end of the relationship but also the realization that the connection wasn’t what you thought it was.

Steps to help process this grief include:

1. Allow yourself to feel: Give yourself permission to experience the full range of emotions associated with grief.
2. Acknowledge the reality: Accept that the idealized version of the relationship and partner was not real, despite your genuine feelings.
3. Practice radical acceptance: Embrace the reality of the situation without trying to change or deny it.
4. Seek closure within yourself: Recognize that you may not get closure from the narcissist and focus on finding it within yourself.
5. Reframe the experience: Look for lessons learned and personal growth that came from the relationship.
6. Create new meaning: Develop a narrative that incorporates your experience into your life story in a meaningful way.
7. Perform symbolic rituals: Consider engaging in activities that symbolize letting go, such as writing a letter you don’t send or releasing balloons.

D. Self-care tips for dealing with hoovering attempts

Prioritizing self-care is essential when dealing with the emotional impact of hoovering attempts. Taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being can help you stay resilient in the face of manipulation attempts.

Self-care strategies to consider:

1. Maintain a routine: Stick to a regular schedule for sleep, meals, and daily activities to provide structure and stability.
2. Practice relaxation techniques: Engage in activities like meditation, yoga, or deep breathing exercises to manage stress and anxiety.
3. Exercise regularly: Physical activity can help boost mood, reduce stress, and improve overall well-being.
4. Nurture your body: Eat nutritious meals, stay hydrated, and get adequate rest to support your physical health.
5. Engage in enjoyable activities: Make time for hobbies, creative pursuits, or other activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.
6. Celebrate small victories: Acknowledge and appreciate your progress, no matter how small it may seem.
7. Practice mindfulness: Stay present in the moment to avoid getting caught up in anxious thoughts about the past or future.

E. Affirmations and mantras to stay strong in no contact

Positive affirmations and mantras can be powerful tools to reinforce your commitment to no contact and boost your emotional resilience. These simple statements, when repeated regularly, can help counteract negative self-talk and bolster your confidence.

Some effective affirmations and mantras include:

1. “I deserve respect, love, and kindness.”
2. “My well-being is my top priority.”
3. “I am strong enough to maintain my boundaries.”
4. “Each day of no contact is a step towards healing.”
5. “I trust myself and my decisions.”
6. “I am worthy of genuine love and healthy relationships.”
7. “My peace is more important than their manipulation.”
8. “I choose my own happiness over their control.”
9. “I am not responsible for their emotions or actions.”
10. “My healing journey is valid and important.”

VII. When the Narcissist Uses Your Children to Hoover

A. How narcissists exploit co-parenting arrangements

Narcissists often view co-parenting not as an opportunity to collaboratively raise children, but as a means to maintain control and access to their former partner. They may exploit the necessity of communication and coordination in co-parenting to attempt hoovering.

Common tactics include:

1. Excessive communication: Insisting on constant updates or discussions beyond what’s necessary for childcare.
2. Creating emergencies: Fabricating or exaggerating situations to force immediate contact.
3. Manipulating schedules: Frequently changing or disregarding agreed-upon custody arrangements.
4. Using children as messengers: Sending inappropriate messages or information through the children.
5. Violating boundaries: Showing up unannounced at your home or children’s events.
6. Financial manipulation: Using child support or shared expenses as a means to engage or control.

B. Using the children as pawns for attention and control

Narcissists may not hesitate to use their own children as tools for manipulation, often disregarding the emotional impact on the children themselves. This behavior can manifest in various ways:

1. Emotional manipulation: Attempting to make the children feel guilty for spending time with or enjoying the other parent.
2. Information gathering: Probing children for details about your personal life or new relationships.
3. Reward and punishment: Using gifts or privileges to influence children’s behavior or loyalty.
4. Parental alienation: Attempting to turn the children against you through negative talk or false accusations.
5. Competition for affection: Trying to be the “fun” or “cool” parent at the expense of responsible parenting.
6. Undermining your authority: Contradicting your rules or decisions to appear more permissive or favorable.

C. Navigating parallel parenting and grey rock techniques

When co-parenting with a narcissist proves impossible due to their manipulative behavior, parallel parenting and the grey rock technique can be effective strategies.

Parallel Parenting involves disengaging from the narcissist as much as possible while still providing good parenting to your children. Key aspects include:

1. Limiting direct communication to essential matters only
2. Using written communication (e.g., email or co-parenting apps) instead of face-to-face interactions
3. Maintaining separate rules and routines in each household
4. Avoiding attending joint events or activities when possible

The Grey Rock Technique involves making yourself as uninteresting and unreactive as possible to the narcissist. When applied to parenting situations:

1. Keep conversations brief, boring, and business-like
2. Avoid sharing personal information or emotional reactions
3. Respond to provocations with neutral, factual statements
4. Focus solely on child-related matters in any necessary interactions

D. Protecting your children from psychological manipulation

Shielding your children from the narcissist’s manipulative behavior is crucial for their emotional well-being. While you can’t control the narcissist’s actions, you can take steps to mitigate their impact:

1. Maintain open communication: Create a safe space for your children to express their feelings and concerns.
2. Validate their experiences: Acknowledge their emotions without speaking negatively about the narcissistic parent.
3. Teach boundary-setting: Help your children understand and enforce healthy boundaries.
4. Model healthy behavior: Demonstrate emotional regulation and respectful communication.
5. Provide stability: Maintain consistent rules and routines in your household.
6. Document concerning behavior: Keep records of any manipulative or harmful actions for potential legal purposes.
7. Educate age-appropriately: As children grow older, provide age-appropriate information about narcissistic behavior.
8. Encourage independent thinking: Help children develop critical thinking skills to recognize manipulation.
9. Focus on self-worth: Reinforce your children’s sense of self-worth independent of the narcissist’s approval.

VIII. Hoovering and Flying Monkeys

A. What are narcissistic flying monkeys?

“Flying monkeys” is a term derived from the Wizard of Oz, referring to the winged monkeys that do the bidding of the Wicked Witch. In the context of narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys are individuals who, either knowingly or unknowingly, act on behalf of the narcissist to manipulate, control, or gather information about the victim.

Key characteristics of flying monkeys include:

1. Loyalty to the narcissist: They often believe the narcissist’s version of events without question.
2. Lack of full context: Many flying monkeys are unaware of the full extent of the narcissist’s abusive behavior.
3. Misguided good intentions: Some may genuinely believe they’re helping by trying to reconcile the relationship.
4. Susceptibility to manipulation: Flying monkeys are often easily swayed by the narcissist’s charm or sob stories.
5. Varied levels of involvement: Some may be active participants in manipulation, while others are more passive conduits of information.

B. How narcissists use friends and family to bypass no contact

Narcissists are often skilled at manipulating social networks to their advantage, especially when direct contact has been cut off. They may use various tactics to enlist friends and family as flying monkeys:

1. Playing the victim: Portraying themselves as the wronged party to garner sympathy and support.
2. Spreading misinformation: Sharing a distorted version of events to paint the victim in a negative light.
3. Feigning concern: Expressing worry about the victim’s well-being to justify contact attempts.
4. Exploiting social norms: Using cultural or family expectations to pressure reconciliation.
5. Offering incentives: Providing favors or gifts to those who assist in their agenda.
6. Threatening or guilt-tripping: Using emotional manipulation to coerce cooperation.

C. Identifying the flying monkeys in your life

Recognizing potential flying monkeys is crucial for maintaining your boundaries and protecting your mental health. Some signs that someone might be acting as a flying monkey include:

1. Sudden reappearance: People from your past unexpectedly reaching out after a period of silence.
2. Unusual curiosity: Showing excessive interest in your personal life or current situation.
3. Pressure to reconcile: Pushing you to give the narcissist another chance or to “hear them out.”
4. Guilt induction: Attempting to make you feel guilty for maintaining no contact.
5. Information leaks: The narcissist somehow knowing details about your life that you haven’t shared directly.
6. Minimizing abuse: Downplaying or dismissing your experiences of abuse.
7. Unsolicited advice: Offering suggestions about how to manage your relationship with the narcissist.
8. Boundary violations: Sharing your information with the narcissist without your consent.

D. Strategies for dealing with flying monkey attacks

When confronted with flying monkey behavior, it’s important to have strategies in place to protect yourself and maintain your boundaries. Here are some effective approaches:

1. Document interactions: Keep records of any concerning behaviors or boundary violations for potential legal purposes.
2. Provide limited information: Share as little personal information as possible to minimize what can be relayed back to the narcissist.
3. Use the “grey rock” technique: Respond to inquiries about the narcissist with brief, uninteresting responses to discourage further probing.
4. Redirect conversations: Steer discussions away from the narcissist and towards neutral topics.
5. Educate selectively: If appropriate, provide factual information about narcissistic abuse to trusted individuals who may be unaware of the dynamics at play.
6. Avoid JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain): You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your decisions regarding the narcissist.