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The Blame Game: Covert Victim Narcissists and Responsibility

Unmask Those Who Dodge Accountability Through Victimhood

Gambling Addiction: Types Of Addictive Behaviors Explained by Som Dutt From https://embraceinnerchaos.com

Last updated on December 18th, 2024 at 04:09 am

Have you ever felt like you’re walking on eggshells, constantly apologizing for things that aren’t your fault? You’re not alone. Welcome to the treacherous world of covert victim narcissists – the masters of manipulation who leave you questioning your own sanity. In this eye-opening exposé, we’ll dive deep into the dark underbelly of narcissistic behavior that’s been hiding in plain sight, wreaking havoc on relationships and self-esteem.

Prepare to have your mind blown as we unravel the intricate web of guilt, shame, and blame that these emotional vampires weave. You’ll discover how these master manipulators turn the tables, making themselves the victims while leaving you feeling like the villain. It’s time to break free from their suffocating grip and reclaim your power!

Uncover the connection between covert victim narcissists and responsibility, exploring their subtle ways of avoiding blame while projecting victimhood in various situations.

1. Understanding Covert Victim Narcissism

1.1 Definition and Key Traits of Covert Victim Narcissists

Covert victim narcissists are master manipulators who thrive on playing the victim card. They possess an uncanny ability to dodge responsibility and shift blame onto others. These individuals often appear meek and vulnerable on the surface, but beneath lies a cunning manipulator.

One of the hallmark traits of a covert victim narcissist is their constant need for attention and sympathy. They paint themselves as perpetual victims, always at the mercy of cruel circumstances or malicious individuals. This victimhood mentality serves as a shield, protecting them from accountability.

Another key characteristic is their passive-aggressive behavior. Covert victim narcissists rarely confront issues directly. Instead, they employ subtle tactics to express their dissatisfaction or manipulate others. This indirect approach makes it challenging for others to address problems head-on.

These individuals also exhibit a profound sense of entitlement. They believe the world owes them special treatment due to their perceived suffering. This entitlement often manifests as unreasonable demands or expectations from those around them.

1.2 Difference Between Overt and Covert Narcissists

While both overt and covert narcissists share core narcissistic traits, their manifestations differ significantly. Overt narcissists are often loud, boastful, and overtly demanding of attention. They wear their grandiosity on their sleeve, making no effort to hide their inflated sense of self-importance.

Covert narcissists, on the other hand, adopt a more subtle approach. They present themselves as humble, self-deprecating individuals who are constantly besieged by misfortune. This façade of vulnerability masks their underlying narcissistic tendencies.

Overt narcissists seek admiration through grandiose displays and achievements. In contrast, covert narcissists crave attention through sympathy and pity. They construct elaborate narratives of victimhood to elicit emotional responses from others.

Another crucial difference lies in their reaction to criticism. Overt narcissists may respond with rage or dismissiveness when challenged. Covert narcissists, however, often retreat into a shell of hurt feelings and perceived injustice, using emotional manipulation to turn the tables on their critics.

2. The Psychology Behind Blame-Shifting

2.1 Underlying Insecurities and Fragile Self-Esteem

At the core of a covert victim narcissist’s behavior lies a deeply fragile self-esteem. Despite their outward appearance of victimhood, these individuals harbor intense feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Their constant blame-shifting serves as a protective mechanism, shielding their fragile ego from perceived threats.

This fragility stems from a distorted self-image. Covert victim narcissists often struggle with a disconnect between their idealized self and their actual self. To bridge this gap, they construct elaborate narratives of victimhood and persecution, positioning themselves as noble sufferers in an unjust world.

Their insecurities also manifest in a hypersensitivity to criticism. Even the slightest perceived slight can trigger intense emotional responses. This oversensitivity fuels their tendency to interpret neutral situations as personal attacks, further reinforcing their victim mentality.

Paradoxically, covert victim narcissists also harbor grandiose fantasies. They may secretly believe in their own superiority while outwardly presenting as downtrodden victims. This internal conflict contributes to their complex and often contradictory behaviors.

2.2 Defense Mechanisms Employed by Covert Victim Narcissists

Covert victim narcissists employ a range of psychological defense mechanisms to protect their fragile self-esteem. Projection is a common tactic, where they attribute their own negative traits or behaviors to others. This allows them to maintain a positive self-image while vilifying those around them.

Another frequently used defense mechanism is denial. When faced with evidence of their own wrongdoing, covert victim narcissists may simply refuse to acknowledge reality. This denial helps them maintain their narrative of perpetual victimhood.

Rationalization plays a crucial role in their blame-shifting behavior. They excel at creating plausible-sounding explanations for their actions, always positioning themselves as the wronged party. This skill allows them to maintain their victim status even in the face of clear evidence to the contrary.

Gaslighting, a form of psychological manipulation, is another tool in their arsenal. By distorting reality and making others question their own perceptions, covert victim narcissists maintain control over their relationships and evade responsibility.

3. Tactics Used to Avoid Responsibility

3.1 Blame Shifting and Projection Techniques

Covert victim narcissists are masters of blame shifting. They possess an uncanny ability to deflect responsibility for their actions onto others. This tactic serves a dual purpose: it preserves their self-image as innocent victims and manipulates others into feeling guilty or responsible.

One common technique is the use of selective memory. When confronted with their misdeeds, they may conveniently “forget” key details or rewrite history to cast themselves in a more favorable light. This selective recall allows them to maintain their narrative of victimhood.

Another powerful tool in their arsenal is projection. By attributing their own negative traits or behaviors to others, they create a smokescreen of confusion. This projection serves to deflect attention from their own shortcomings and place the burden of guilt on those around them.

Covert victim narcissists often employ circular arguments to avoid taking responsibility. They may twist logic and facts to create convoluted explanations that always lead back to their innocence. This tactic can leave others feeling frustrated and confused, unable to pin down the real issue.

3.2 Playing the Victim Card: Manipulating Through Victimhood

The victim card is the covert narcissist’s trump card in their manipulation toolkit. They wield it with expert precision, using their perceived suffering as a shield against criticism and a weapon for emotional manipulation. This tactic is particularly insidious because it exploits others’ empathy and compassion.

Covert victim narcissists often construct elaborate narratives of persecution and misfortune. These stories serve to elicit sympathy and deflect attention from their own actions. By positioning themselves as helpless victims, they manipulate others into providing constant support and validation.

The Blame Game: Covert Victim Narcissists and Responsibility
-By Som Dutt from https://embraceinnerchaos.com
The Blame Game: Covert Victim Narcissists and Responsibility
-By Som Dutt from https://embraceinnerchaos.com

They may exaggerate or even fabricate hardships to bolster their victim status. This manipulation through playing the victim can be so convincing that others feel compelled to rush to their aid, overlooking any harmful behaviors in the process.

Another common tactic is comparative suffering. When confronted with others’ problems, they quickly shift the focus back to their own “greater” suffering. This not only minimizes others’ experiences but also reinforces their position as the ultimate victim.

3.3 Guilt Tripping and Martyrdom Strategies

Guilt tripping is a favorite strategy of covert victim narcissists. They excel at making others feel responsible for their happiness and well-being. This manipulation tactic serves to control others’ behaviors and avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.

One common guilt-tripping technique is the use of passive-aggressive statements. They may make subtle comments designed to evoke guilt, such as “I guess I’ll just have to do everything myself” or “No one ever thinks about my needs.” These statements put others on the defensive and shift the focus away from the narcissist’s behavior.

Covert narcissists often employ guilt trips by presenting themselves as martyrs. They may dramatically emphasize their sacrifices and suffering, implying that others are selfish or ungrateful. This martyrdom strategy serves to manipulate others into compliance through guilt and obligation.

Another powerful guilt-tripping tactic is emotional blackmail. They may threaten self-harm or withdrawal of affection to coerce others into meeting their demands. This manipulation exploits others’ care and concern, turning it into a tool for control.

4. The Impact of Responsibility Avoidance

4.1 Effects on Personal Relationships and Family Dynamics

The impact of a covert victim narcissist’s responsibility avoidance on personal relationships can be devastating. Their constant blame-shifting and manipulation create an atmosphere of tension and uncertainty. Family members and close friends often find themselves walking on eggshells, afraid of triggering another episode of victimhood.

Trust becomes a major casualty in these relationships. The narcissist’s habitual lying and distortion of reality erode the foundation of trust that healthy relationships are built upon. Over time, loved ones may start to question their own perceptions and judgment, a classic sign of gaslighting.

Children raised by covert victim narcissists often suffer long-lasting emotional damage. They may grow up with a distorted sense of responsibility, believing they’re to blame for their parent’s unhappiness. This can lead to anxiety, depression, and difficulties in forming healthy relationships later in life.

Intimate partnerships with covert victim narcissists are particularly challenging. The constant emotional manipulation and lack of accountability can leave partners feeling drained and confused. Many report a loss of self-esteem and identity as they’re continually made to feel responsible for the narcissist’s well-being.

4.2 Consequences in Professional and Social Settings

In professional settings, a covert victim narcissist’s behavior can create a toxic work environment. Their refusal to take responsibility for mistakes or shortcomings can lead to project failures and team conflicts. Colleagues may find themselves constantly covering for the narcissist’s errors to avoid their dramatic reactions.

The narcissist’s tendency to play the victim can also impact their career progression. While they may initially gain sympathy from superiors, their constant need for special treatment and inability to handle criticism often hinder their professional growth. They may find themselves passed over for promotions in favor of more accountable colleagues.

In social circles, covert victim narcissists often leave a trail of strained relationships. Their need for constant attention and sympathy can exhaust even the most patient friends. Social gatherings may become tense affairs as others try to avoid triggering the narcissist’s victim complex.

Over time, many covert victim narcissists find their social circle shrinking. As people become wise to their manipulation tactics, they may choose to distance themselves. This social isolation often reinforces the narcissist’s belief in their victimhood, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

5. Breaking the Cycle of Blame and Victimhood

5.1 Developing Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence

Breaking the cycle of blame and victimhood begins with developing self-awareness. For covert victim narcissists, this means taking an honest look at their behavior patterns and motivations. It’s a challenging process that requires confronting uncomfortable truths about oneself.

A crucial step is learning to recognize triggers. Covert victim narcissists often react automatically to perceived slights or challenges. By identifying these triggers, they can start to pause and choose their responses more consciously. This pause creates space for more constructive reactions.

Developing emotional intelligence is another key aspect of breaking the cycle. This involves learning to identify and manage one’s own emotions, as well as recognizing the emotions of others. For covert victim narcissists, this can be particularly challenging as they often struggle with empathy.

The Blame Game: Covert Victim Narcissists and Responsibility
-By Som Dutt from https://embraceinnerchaos.com
The Blame Game: Covert Victim Narcissists and Responsibility
-By Som Dutt from https://embraceinnerchaos.com

Mindfulness practices can be extremely helpful in developing self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Techniques such as meditation and journaling can help individuals tune into their thoughts and emotions, providing insights into their behavior patterns.

5.2 Strategies for Acknowledging Personal Accountability

Acknowledging personal accountability is a critical step in breaking free from the victim mentality. For covert victim narcissists, this means learning to take responsibility for their actions and their role in conflicts. It’s a process that requires courage and commitment.

One effective strategy is to practice reframing situations. Instead of automatically assuming the role of victim, individuals can challenge themselves to consider alternative perspectives. This might involve asking questions like “What was my part in this conflict?” or “How might the other person be feeling?”




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Frequently Asked Questions

How Do Covert Narcissists Use The Blame Game In Relationships?

Covert narcissists employ the blame game as a manipulative tactic in relationships to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. According to Psychology Today, they consistently shift blame onto their partners or others, never acknowledging their own faults. This behavior is rooted in their fragile self-esteem and need to maintain a facade of perfection.

By constantly blaming others, covert narcissists protect their ego and avoid facing their own shortcomings. This pattern can be incredibly damaging to their partners, leading to self-doubt and emotional turmoil. The blame game serves as a form of psychological manipulation, allowing the covert narcissist to maintain control in the relationship while evading accountability for their actions.

What Are The Signs Of A Covert Victim Narcissist?

Identifying a covert victim narcissist can be challenging due to their subtle manipulation tactics. Verywell Mind outlines several key signs to watch for. These individuals often present themselves as victims, constantly seeking sympathy and attention. They may exhibit passive-aggressive behavior, making indirect criticisms or withholding affection as punishment.

Covert victim narcissists are hypersensitive to criticism, reacting defensively to even minor perceived slights. They frequently engage in self-pity and martyrdom, positioning themselves as unappreciated or misunderstood. Another telltale sign is their tendency to minimize others’ experiences while exaggerating their own hardships. Recognizing these patterns is crucial for protecting oneself from the emotional manipulation and psychological abuse often associated with covert narcissism.

How Does A Covert Narcissist Avoid Taking Responsibility?

Covert narcissists employ various strategies to evade responsibility for their actions and behaviors. Psych Central explains that one common tactic is denial, where they simply refuse to acknowledge their wrongdoings. They may also use gaslighting techniques, manipulating situations to make others doubt their own perceptions and memories.

Another frequent method is deflection, where they quickly shift focus to someone else’s faults when confronted about their own. Covert narcissists often play the victim, portraying themselves as misunderstood or unfairly targeted to garner sympathy and avoid accountability. They might also minimize the impact of their actions, downplaying the consequences of their behavior. These responsibility avoidance tactics serve to protect their fragile ego and maintain their sense of superiority.

What Is The DARVO Technique Used By Covert Narcissists?

DARVO is a manipulative technique frequently employed by covert narcissists to evade responsibility and maintain control. According to Healthline, DARVO stands for “Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.” In this process, the narcissist first denies any wrongdoing when confronted. They then attack the person raising the concern, often through character assassination or by questioning their motives.

Finally, they reverse the roles, positioning themselves as the victim and the actual victim as the offender. This technique is particularly insidious as it not only allows the narcissist to avoid taking responsibility but also leaves the true victim feeling confused, guilty, and often questioning their own reality. DARVO is a form of gaslighting that can have severe psychological impacts on those subjected to it, making it a powerful tool in the covert narcissist’s arsenal of manipulation tactics.

How Does Covert Narcissism Differ From Overt Narcissism?

Covert narcissism, while sharing core traits with overt narcissism, manifests in distinctly different ways. The American Journal of Psychiatry highlights that covert narcissists tend to be more introverted and self-effacing on the surface, unlike their overtly grandiose counterparts. They often present as shy, insecure, or even self-deprecating, which can mask their underlying sense of superiority. Covert narcissists are more likely to seek sympathy and play the victim role, whereas overt narcissists openly demand admiration.

In terms of manipulation, covert narcissists use more subtle tactics like passive-aggression and guilt-tripping, while overt narcissists may be more directly demanding and confrontational. Both types share a lack of empathy and a need for admiration, but covert narcissists are generally more skilled at hiding these traits, making their behavior potentially more insidious and harder to detect in relationships.

What Are The Long-Term Effects Of Being In A Relationship With A Covert Narcissist?

Being in a long-term relationship with a covert narcissist can have profound and lasting psychological effects. The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology reports that victims often experience a significant erosion of self-esteem and self-worth over time. The constant blame-shifting, emotional manipulation, and lack of empathy from the narcissist can lead to chronic anxiety, depression, and even symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Victims may develop a distorted sense of reality due to persistent gaslighting, making it difficult to trust their own perceptions and judgments.

The relationship’s unpredictable nature, oscillating between idealization and devaluation, can result in emotional instability and attachment issues. Many survivors report feeling emotionally drained, isolated from friends and family, and struggling with decision-making and assertiveness long after the relationship ends. Recovery often requires professional therapy to rebuild self-esteem and establish healthy relationship patterns.

How Can You Set Boundaries With A Covert Narcissist?

Setting boundaries with a covert narcissist is challenging but crucial for maintaining your mental health. Psychology Today suggests starting by clearly defining your limits and communicating them assertively. It’s important to be consistent and firm in enforcing these boundaries, as covert narcissists often test limits. Avoid justifying or over-explaining your boundaries, as this can give the narcissist room to manipulate or argue.

Implement consequences for boundary violations and follow through with them. Practice emotional detachment when the narcissist attempts to guilt-trip or manipulate you into changing your boundaries. Remember that setting boundaries is about protecting your well-being, not punishing the narcissist.

It may be helpful to seek support from a therapist or support group to strengthen your resolve and develop effective boundary-setting strategies. Be prepared for potential backlash, as narcissists often react negatively to limits on their behavior.

What Are Common Manipulation Tactics Used By Covert Narcissists?

Covert narcissists employ a range of subtle manipulation tactics to control and exploit others. The Journal of Personality identifies several common strategies. Gaslighting is frequently used, where the narcissist distorts reality to make the victim doubt their own perceptions. They often engage in emotional blackmail, using guilt or fear to manipulate others’ behavior. Silent treatment is another tactic, where they withdraw emotionally to punish or control.

Covert narcissists are skilled at playing the victim, garnering sympathy to avoid responsibility or gain attention. They may use subtle put-downs or backhanded compliments to undermine others’ confidence. Triangulation, where they involve a third party to create jealousy or insecurity, is also common.

These manipulators often employ love bombing followed by intermittent reinforcement to keep their victims off-balance and dependent. Recognizing these tactics is crucial for protecting oneself from the psychological manipulation of covert narcissists.

How Does Covert Narcissism Affect Family Dynamics?

Covert narcissism can have a profound and often destructive impact on family dynamics. The Family Journal reports that families with a covert narcissist often experience high levels of tension and conflict. The narcissist’s constant need for attention and validation can lead to neglect of other family members’ emotional needs. Children in these families may develop insecure attachment styles due to the inconsistent and manipulative behavior of the narcissistic parent.

The non-narcissistic partner often becomes emotionally drained, constantly walking on eggshells to avoid triggering the narcissist’s fragile ego. Family roles can become distorted, with some members being scapegoated while others are placed on a pedestal, creating rivalry and resentment. The covert nature of this type of narcissism can make it difficult for family members to identify and address the root of their dysfunction, often leading to long-term psychological issues for all involved.

Can Covert Narcissists Change Their Behavior?

The possibility of change in covert narcissists is a topic of ongoing debate in the psychological community. The Journal of Clinical Psychology suggests that while significant change is rare, it’s not impossible. For change to occur, the narcissist must first acknowledge their problematic behaviors and genuinely desire to change. This self-awareness is particularly challenging for covert narcissists due to their deep-seated insecurities and defense mechanisms.

Effective treatment typically requires long-term, specialized therapy such as schema therapy or psychodynamic approaches. However, many covert narcissists resist therapy or only seek help when faced with significant life crises. Even with treatment, change is often slow and incremental.

It’s important for those in relationships with covert narcissists to set realistic expectations and prioritize their own well-being, as waiting for change can be emotionally taxing and potentially fruitless.

What Is The Role Of Empathy Deficit In Covert Narcissism?

Empathy deficit plays a central role in the behavior and relationships of covert narcissists. The Journal of Abnormal Psychology explains that while covert narcissists may appear sensitive on the surface, they fundamentally lack the ability to genuinely understand and share the feelings of others. This empathy deficit manifests in their tendency to prioritize their own needs and emotions over those of others, even when it causes harm. Covert narcissists may feign empathy when it serves their purposes, but this is typically a manipulative tactic rather than genuine concern.

Their lack of empathy makes it difficult for them to form deep, meaningful relationships and often leads to a pattern of exploiting others for personal gain. This deficit also contributes to their inability to take responsibility for their actions, as they struggle to comprehend the emotional impact of their behavior on others. Understanding this empathy deficit is crucial for those dealing with covert narcissists, as it explains much of their seemingly insensitive or cruel behavior.

How Does Covert Narcissism Manifest In The Workplace?

Covert narcissism in the workplace can create a toxic and challenging environment. The Journal of Business Ethics highlights that covert narcissists often present as quiet achievers or martyrs, subtly undermining colleagues while positioning themselves as indispensable. They may engage in passive-aggressive behaviors, such as withholding information or giving backhanded compliments. Covert narcissists are skilled at taking credit for others’ work while deflecting blame for failures.

They often create drama behind the scenes, manipulating office politics to their advantage. Their hypersensitivity to criticism can make them difficult to manage or work alongside, as they may react defensively to feedback. These individuals may also play the victim when faced with workplace challenges, garnering sympathy while avoiding accountability.

Recognizing these behaviors is crucial for maintaining a healthy work environment and addressing the negative impact of covert narcissism on team dynamics and productivity.

What Are The Challenges In Diagnosing Covert Narcissism?

Diagnosing covert narcissism presents unique challenges for mental health professionals. The Journal of Personality Assessment outlines several factors that complicate diagnosis. Unlike overt narcissism, covert narcissism is characterized by more subtle and internalized symptoms, making it less obvious during clinical assessments. Covert narcissists often present with symptoms of anxiety or depression, which can mask the underlying narcissistic traits.

Their tendency to play the victim and their outward appearance of humility can deceive even experienced clinicians. Additionally, covert narcissists may be more resistant to seeking help or may only do so for secondary gains, further complicating the diagnostic process. The lack of self-awareness typical in narcissistic personalities also applies to covert narcissists, making self-reported symptoms unreliable.

These challenges underscore the need for comprehensive assessment techniques and a thorough understanding of the nuanced manifestations of covert narcissism in clinical settings.

How Does Covert Narcissism Affect Intimate Relationships?

Covert narcissism can have a profound and often destructive impact on intimate relationships. The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships reports that partners of covert narcissists often experience a gradual erosion of self-esteem and autonomy. The relationship is typically characterized by emotional manipulation, where the narcissist alternates between idealization and devaluation of their partner. Covert narcissists may use subtle tactics like guilt-tripping or silent treatment to control their partners.

They often struggle with emotional intimacy, leading to a sense of emptiness or disconnection in the relationship. Partners frequently report feeling like they’re walking on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid triggering the narcissist’s insecurities. The covert narcissist’s need for admiration and validation can lead to emotional neglect of their partner.

Over time, this dynamic can result in anxiety, depression, and a loss of self-identity for the non-narcissistic partner. Recognizing these patterns is crucial for those in relationships with covert narcissists to protect their mental health and well-being.

The connection between childhood trauma and the development of covert narcissism is a significant area of study in psychology. The Journal of Personality Disorders suggests that early life experiences, particularly those involving emotional neglect or inconsistent parenting, can contribute to the formation of covert narcissistic traits. Children who experience trauma or invalidation may develop a fragile sense of self, leading to the creation of a false self as a defense mechanism. This false self in covert narcissists often manifests as an outward appearance of humility masking an internal sense of superiority.

Childhood experiences of being either overly criticized or excessively praised can also contribute to the development of narcissistic traits. The link between trauma and covert narcissism underscores the importance of early intervention and support for children who have experienced adverse childhood events, as well as the need for trauma-informed approaches in treating adult covert narcissists.

How Can Therapy Help In Dealing With A Covert Narcissist?

Therapy can be a crucial tool for those dealing with a covert narcissist, whether as a partner, family member, or the narcissist themselves. The American Journal of Psychotherapy highlights that for individuals in relationships with covert narcissists, therapy can provide valuable support and strategies. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help in recognizing and challenging the distorted thinking patterns that often result from narcissistic abuse. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills can be beneficial in managing emotional responses and setting healthy boundaries.

For the covert narcissist, long-term psychodynamic therapy or schema therapy may be effective in addressing the root causes of their behavior and developing healthier coping mechanisms. However, it’s important to note that many covert narcissists resist therapy or may only engage superficially. For those impacted by a covert narcissist, therapy can be a safe space to process their experiences, rebuild self-esteem, and develop strategies for protecting their mental health in challenging relationships.

About the Author :

Som Dutt, Top writer in Philosophy & Psychology on Medium.com. I make people Think, Relate, Feel & Move. Let's Embrace Inner Chaos and Appreciate Deep, Novel & Heavy Thoughts.

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