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The Golden Child vs The Scapegoat: Roles in Narcissistic Families

Understand The Damaging Dynamics Of Narcissistic Family Roles

Why Veterans Face Higher Suicide Rates: A Closer Look by Som Dutt From https://embraceinnerchaos.com

Last updated on December 18th, 2024 at 03:58 am

In the realm of family dynamics, few situations are as complex and emotionally charged as those involving narcissistic parents. The impact of narcissism on family relationships can be profound, often leading to the creation of distinct roles within the family unit. Two of the most prominent roles that emerge in such families are the “golden child” and the “scapegoat.”

These roles are not merely labels but deeply ingrained patterns of behavior and treatment that can shape a person’s entire life. The golden child is often showered with praise and attention, while the scapegoat bears the brunt of criticism and blame. Understanding these roles is crucial for those who have grown up in narcissistic families, as well as for mental health professionals working with such individuals.

Explore the dynamics of the golden child vs the scapegoat in narcissistic families, uncovering how these roles shape relationships, behavior, and emotional well-being.

1. Understanding Narcissism in Family Dynamics

1.1 The Narcissistic Parent: Traits and Behaviors

Narcissistic parents often display a range of behaviors that can profoundly impact their children’s development. These individuals tend to be self-centered, demanding constant attention and admiration from their family members. They may exhibit a grandiose sense of self-importance and a persistent need for validation.

One of the key traits of narcissistic parents is their inability to empathize with their children’s feelings and needs. This lack of empathy can lead to emotional neglect and a failure to provide the nurturing environment necessary for healthy emotional development. Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by these traits taken to an extreme, causing significant dysfunction in relationships and daily life.

Narcissistic parents often view their children as extensions of themselves rather than as separate individuals with their own identities and needs. This perspective can lead to the creation of the golden child and scapegoat roles within the family dynamic.

1.2 The Impact of Narcissistic Parenting on Children

The effects of narcissistic parenting on children can be far-reaching and long-lasting. Children raised by narcissistic parents often struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. They may have difficulty forming healthy relationships later in life due to the dysfunctional patterns they learned in childhood.

Research has shown that children of narcissistic parents are at higher risk for developing mental health issues, including anxiety disorders, depression, and even personality disorders themselves. The constant need to meet their parent’s unrealistic expectations can lead to chronic stress and a sense of never being good enough.

The effects of narcissistic parenting on children can manifest in various ways, depending on the role assigned to the child within the family dynamic. Both the golden child and the scapegoat may struggle with issues of self-worth and identity, albeit in different ways.

1.3 The Formation of Family Roles in Narcissistic Households

In narcissistic families, roles are often assigned based on how well each child fulfills the narcissistic parent’s needs for admiration and validation. The golden child is typically the one who best reflects the parent’s desired image, while the scapegoat is often the child who challenges or fails to meet the parent’s expectations.

These roles are not static and can shift over time, depending on the narcissistic parent’s needs and the children’s behavior. Sometimes, a child may even experience both roles at different points in their life, leading to confusion and emotional turmoil.

Understanding the formation of these roles is crucial for recognizing and addressing the patterns of narcissistic abuse within families. It’s important to note that these roles are not natural or healthy but are instead a result of the narcissistic parent’s manipulation and need for control.

2. The Golden Child: Characteristics and Consequences

2.1 Defining the Golden Child Role

The golden child in a narcissistic family is often seen as the perfect child, the one who can do no wrong in the eyes of the narcissistic parent. This role is characterized by excessive praise, attention, and favoritism from the narcissistic parent. The golden child is often viewed as an extension of the narcissistic parent’s own grandiose self-image.

This child is typically the one who best fulfills the narcissistic parent’s need for admiration and validation. They may be exceptionally talented, attractive, or successful, or they may simply be the most compliant and willing to cater to the narcissistic parent’s needs and desires.

It’s important to recognize that being the golden child is not a position of true privilege, despite the apparent benefits. The role comes with its own set of challenges and long-term consequences that can be just as damaging as those experienced by the scapegoat.

2.2 The Narcissistic Parent’s Treatment of the Golden Child

Narcissistic parents often shower their golden child with excessive praise and attention. They may brag about the golden child’s achievements to others, using them as a reflection of their own success as a parent. The golden child is often given preferential treatment, including more material possessions, greater freedom, and fewer responsibilities compared to their siblings.

However, this treatment comes at a cost. The narcissistic parent’s love and approval are often conditional, based on the golden child’s ability to continue meeting their expectations and reflecting positively on them. This can create immense pressure and anxiety for the golden child, who may feel that their worth is tied solely to their achievements and ability to please their parent.

When parents’ self-absorption affects their children, it can lead to a distorted sense of self and unhealthy relationship patterns that persist into adulthood.

2.3 Psychological Impact on the Golden Child

While the golden child may appear to have a privileged position within the family, the psychological impact of this role can be significant and long-lasting. Many golden children struggle with perfectionism and an intense fear of failure. They may develop an unhealthy dependence on external validation, having learned that their worth is tied to their ability to meet others’ expectations.

The golden child may also struggle with guilt and confusion, especially if they recognize the unfair treatment of their siblings. This can lead to difficulties in forming healthy relationships with siblings and others later in life. Additionally, the golden child may have trouble developing a strong sense of self, as their identity has been so closely tied to fulfilling their narcissistic parent’s needs and expectations.

2.4 Long-term Effects and Coping Mechanisms

As golden children grow into adulthood, they may face numerous challenges. Many struggle with setting boundaries, having never learned to do so in childhood. They may also have difficulty recognizing and asserting their own needs, having been conditioned to prioritize the needs of their narcissistic parent above all else.

The Golden Child vs. The Scapegoat: Roles in Narcissistic Families
-By Som Dutt from https://embraceinnerchaos.com
The Golden Child vs. The Scapegoat: Roles in Narcissistic Families
-By Som Dutt from https://embraceinnerchaos.com

Some golden children may continue to seek out relationships where they can play a similar role, unconsciously recreating the dynamic they experienced with their narcissistic parent. Others may rebel against their upbringing, rejecting all forms of praise or achievement out of fear of being used or manipulated.

Coping with the long-term effects of being the golden child often requires therapy and a willingness to confront and challenge the unhealthy patterns learned in childhood. Surviving narcissistic abuse is a process that involves recognizing the abuse, setting boundaries, and working towards healing and self-discovery.

3. The Scapegoat: Characteristics and Consequences

3.1 Defining the Scapegoat Role

The scapegoat in a narcissistic family is often the child who bears the brunt of the narcissistic parent’s criticism, blame, and negative projections. This role is characterized by constant criticism, emotional neglect, and often, overt abuse. The scapegoat is typically the child who is perceived as the most threatening to the narcissistic parent’s self-image or the one who is least able or willing to cater to the parent’s narcissistic needs.

Scapegoats are often more empathetic, sensitive, or strong-willed children who may challenge the narcissistic parent’s authority or question their behavior. They may also be the children who are different in some way – perhaps they have different interests, personalities, or physical characteristics that the narcissistic parent finds unacceptable.

Understanding the scapegoat role is crucial for recognizing patterns of narcissistic abuse and beginning the healing process.

3.2 The Narcissistic Parent’s Treatment of the Scapegoat

Narcissistic parents often subject the scapegoat to harsh criticism, emotional manipulation, and sometimes physical abuse. They may constantly compare the scapegoat unfavorably to the golden child or other family members, reinforcing feelings of inadequacy and shame. The scapegoat’s achievements are often minimized or ignored, while their mistakes or shortcomings are exaggerated and used as evidence of their “inherent” flaws.

The scapegoat may be blamed for family problems, even those that are clearly not their fault. This constant blame and criticism can lead to a deep-seated belief that they are fundamentally flawed or unworthy of love and acceptance. The narcissistic parent may use DARVO tactics (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender) to gaslight the scapegoat and maintain control over the family narrative.

3.3 Psychological Impact on the Scapegoat

The psychological impact of being the family scapegoat can be severe and long-lasting. Scapegoats often struggle with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and a pervasive sense of unworthiness. They may develop a strong inner critic, internalizing the harsh judgments and criticisms they received from their narcissistic parent.

Many scapegoats struggle with trust issues and have difficulty forming healthy relationships later in life. They may be drawn to abusive or narcissistic partners, unconsciously recreating the familiar dynamic from their childhood. Alternatively, they may isolate themselves to avoid potential rejection or hurt.

The psychological impact of narcissistic abuse can manifest in various ways, including complex PTSD, chronic anxiety, and difficulties with self-identity and self-worth.

3.4 Long-term Effects and Coping Mechanisms

As scapegoats grow into adulthood, they may continue to struggle with the effects of their childhood experiences. Many face challenges in setting healthy boundaries, asserting themselves, and recognizing their own worth. They may have difficulty trusting their own perceptions and judgments, having been consistently gaslighted and invalidated by their narcissistic parent.

Some scapegoats may become overachievers, constantly striving to prove their worth and disprove the negative messages they internalized in childhood. Others may struggle with self-sabotage, unconsciously fulfilling the negative expectations placed upon them by their narcissistic parent.

The Golden Child vs. The Scapegoat: Roles in Narcissistic Families
-By Som Dutt from https://embraceinnerchaos.com
The Golden Child vs. The Scapegoat: Roles in Narcissistic Families
-By Som Dutt from https://embraceinnerchaos.com

Coping with the long-term effects of being the scapegoat often requires professional help and a commitment to self-healing. Recognizing the signs of narcissistic abuse is the first step towards recovery and building a healthier, more authentic life.

4. The Interplay Between the Golden Child and Scapegoat

4.1 Sibling Dynamics in Narcissistic Families

The relationship between the golden child and the scapegoat in narcissistic families is often complex and fraught with tension. The narcissistic parent’s differential treatment can create a significant divide between siblings, fostering feelings of resentment, jealousy, and confusion.

The golden child may feel pressured to maintain their favored status, leading them to participate in the scapegoating of their sibling, either actively or passively. The scapegoat, in turn, may resent the golden child for their favored position and perceived complicity in the narcissistic parent’s abuse.

These dynamics can create long-lasting rifts between siblings that persist well into adulthood. Understanding these patterns is crucial for healing family relationships and breaking the cycle of narcissistic abuse.

4.2 Competition and Resentment

Narcissistic parents often foster a sense of competition between their children, pitting them against each other for approval and affection. This can lead to intense sibling rivalry and resentment that may last a lifetime if not addressed.

The golden child may feel resentful of the pressure placed upon them to maintain their perfect image, while simultaneously feeling guilty about their preferential treatment. The scapegoat may resent the golden child’s favored status and the unfair treatment they receive.

This competition and resentment can make it difficult for siblings to form genuine, supportive relationships with each other, even in adulthood. Recognizing and addressing these feelings is an important part of the healing process for both the golden child and the scapegoat.

4.3 Shifting Roles and Family Dynamics

It’s important to note that the roles of golden child and scapegoat are not always fixed. In some narcissistic families, these roles may shift over time or even alternate between siblings. This fluidity can create additional confusion and instability within the family dynamic.

A child who was once the golden child may suddenly find themselves cast in the role of scapegoat if they fail to meet the narcissistic parent’s expectations or if another sibling temporarily gains favor. This unpredictability can lead to a constant state of anxiety and insecurity for all children in the family.

Understanding the potential for role shifts can help adult children of narcissistic parents make sense of their experiences and recognize that the roles assigned to them were not a reflection of their true worth or identity.




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Frequently Asked Questions

How Does A Narcissistic Parent Choose The Golden Child And Scapegoat?

Narcissistic parents often assign roles to their children based on how well each child fulfills their need for admiration and validation. The golden child is typically chosen because they best reflect the parent’s desired image or possess traits the parent values, such as being more compliant, achieving more, or simply being more physically attractive to the narcissist. Conversely, the scapegoat is often the child who challenges the narcissist’s authority or fails to meet their expectations.

This selection process is rarely conscious and can shift over time, as noted by Psychology Today. The assignment of these roles serves the narcissist’s need for control and helps maintain their grandiose self-image. It’s important to understand that this dynamic is not about the children’s inherent worth, but rather about the narcissistic parent’s psychological needs and distorted perceptions.

What Are The Long-Term Effects Of Being The Golden Child In A Narcissistic Family?

Being the golden child in a narcissistic family can have profound and lasting effects on an individual’s psychological development. While they may appear privileged, golden children often struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, and a fragile sense of self-worth. They may develop narcissistic traits themselves or struggle with codependency in adult relationships.

The constant pressure to maintain their “perfect” status can lead to burnout and identity crises later in life. According to Psych Central, golden children may also experience difficulty forming genuine connections with others, as they’ve been conditioned to prioritize achievement and parental approval over authentic self-expression and emotional intimacy. This can result in a lifelong struggle to understand and assert their own needs and desires separate from their narcissistic parent’s expectations.

How Does Being The Scapegoat Child Affect Mental Health In Adulthood?

The scapegoat child often carries the emotional burden of family dysfunction into adulthood, which can significantly impact their mental health. They may struggle with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and trust issues. The constant criticism and blame they endured can lead to a persistent sense of unworthiness and self-doubt, affecting their relationships and career choices.

Scapegoats might develop people-pleasing tendencies or, conversely, struggle with authority figures. They’re at higher risk for developing conditions like Complex PTSD due to chronic emotional abuse. However, Very Well Mind suggests that scapegoats often have a stronger sense of self and are more likely to seek therapy, potentially leading to better long-term outcomes if they can access proper support and healing resources. This resilience, born from adversity, can become a strength in their healing journey.

Can The Roles Of Golden Child And Scapegoat Switch Within A Narcissistic Family?

Yes, the roles of golden child and scapegoat can indeed switch within a narcissistic family, although this is not always the case. The fluidity of these roles often depends on how well each child is meeting the narcissistic parent’s needs at any given time. If the golden child begins to assert independence or fails to meet the parent’s expectations, they may suddenly find themselves in the scapegoat role.

Conversely, if the scapegoat achieves something that brings glory to the narcissistic parent, they might temporarily be elevated to golden child status. This role switching can cause significant emotional whiplash and confusion for the children involved, as explored in depth by The Narcissistic Life. The unpredictability of these role changes can lead to a sense of instability and anxiety in the children, as they never know where they stand with their parent.

What Are The Challenges In Sibling Relationships Between The Golden Child And Scapegoat?

Sibling relationships between the golden child and scapegoat in narcissistic families are often fraught with tension, resentment, and competition. The differential treatment by the narcissistic parent can create a significant divide between siblings that may persist into adulthood. The golden child might feel pressured to maintain their favored status, leading them to participate in the scapegoating of their sibling.

The scapegoat, in turn, may resent the golden child for their perceived complicity in the narcissistic parent’s abuse. This dynamic can result in long-lasting rifts, trust issues, and difficulty in forming healthy relationships with each other. Psychology Today discusses how these roles can create a toxic family environment where genuine sibling bonds are nearly impossible to form without intervention and healing. Overcoming these challenges often requires both siblings to recognize the dysfunction in their family system and work together to rebuild their relationship outside of their assigned roles.

How Can The Scapegoat Child Heal From Narcissistic Family Trauma?

Healing for the scapegoat child involves a multi-faceted approach that often begins with acknowledging the abuse and its impact. Therapy, particularly modalities like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or trauma-focused therapies, can be crucial in processing childhood experiences and developing healthier coping mechanisms. Building a strong support network outside the family is essential, as is learning to set and maintain boundaries with toxic family members.

Self-compassion practices and reparenting techniques can help in rebuilding self-esteem. Psych Central emphasizes the importance of recognizing that the scapegoat role was not deserved but was a projection of the narcissistic parent’s own issues. Engaging in self-care, pursuing personal interests, and developing a strong sense of identity separate from the family narrative are all crucial steps in the healing journey.

What Are The Signs That You Might Be The Golden Child In A Narcissistic Family?

Identifying oneself as the golden child in a narcissistic family can be challenging, as the role often comes with perceived privileges. However, there are several signs to look out for. You might be the golden child if you feel intense pressure to achieve and maintain perfection, experience anxiety about disappointing your parents, or struggle with your own identity separate from your family’s expectations.

Golden children often have difficulty making decisions independently and may feel guilty when setting boundaries with their narcissistic parent. They might also notice a stark difference in how they’re treated compared to their siblings. The Narcissistic Life points out that golden children may struggle with authentic relationships, as they’ve been conditioned to perform for love rather than receive it unconditionally.

How Does Being The Scapegoat Affect One’s Ability To Form Healthy Relationships In Adulthood?

Being the scapegoat in a narcissistic family can significantly impact one’s ability to form healthy relationships in adulthood. Scapegoats often struggle with trust issues, fear of abandonment, and difficulty setting boundaries. They may have internalized the belief that they are unworthy of love and respect, leading to patterns of accepting mistreatment or engaging in people-pleasing behaviors.

Some scapegoats might find themselves attracted to narcissistic partners, unconsciously recreating familiar dynamics from their childhood. However, Very Well Mind suggests that with awareness and healing, scapegoats can develop the capacity for healthy, balanced relationships. This often involves learning to recognize red flags, developing self-esteem, and practicing assertiveness in interpersonal interactions.

Can The Golden Child Become A Narcissist Themselves?

There is a risk that the golden child in a narcissistic family may develop narcissistic traits or even Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) themselves. This is partly due to the constant reinforcement of their “special” status and the lack of genuine emotional nurturing. The golden child is often taught that their worth is tied to their achievements and their ability to reflect well on their narcissistic parent.

This can lead to a fragile self-esteem that relies on external validation, a key feature of narcissism. However, it’s important to note that not all golden children become narcissists. Psychology Today explains that with self-awareness and therapeutic intervention, golden children can recognize and change these learned behaviors, developing healthier ways of relating to themselves and others.

What Role Does The “Lost Child” Play In Narcissistic Family Dynamics?

The “lost child” is another role that can emerge in narcissistic family dynamics, often alongside the golden child and scapegoat. This child tends to fade into the background, avoiding conflict and attention. They may become extremely independent, self-reliant, and emotionally detached as a coping mechanism.

The lost child often struggles with feelings of invisibility and insignificance, which can lead to issues with self-worth and identity in adulthood. While they may escape the direct abuse faced by the scapegoat or the intense pressure placed on the golden child, the neglect they experience can be equally damaging. Psych Central discusses how the lost child’s role serves to maintain the family’s dysfunctional equilibrium by not demanding attention or resources, allowing the narcissistic parent to focus on the golden child and scapegoat dynamic.

How Can Family Therapy Help In Healing Narcissistic Family Dynamics?

Family therapy can be a powerful tool in addressing and healing narcissistic family dynamics, although it comes with challenges. A skilled therapist can help family members recognize unhealthy patterns, improve communication, and work towards more balanced relationships. However, for therapy to be effective, all family members, including the narcissistic parent, must be willing to participate and acknowledge the need for change.

Therapy can provide a safe space for the golden child and scapegoat to express their experiences and feelings, potentially leading to greater understanding and empathy between siblings. Good Therapy explains that family systems therapy, in particular, can be beneficial as it focuses on the family as a whole unit rather than individual pathology. It’s important to note that in some cases, individual therapy for each family member might be necessary before or alongside family therapy to address personal traumas and develop coping strategies.

What Are The Signs Of A Narcissistic Mother In Family Dynamics?

A narcissistic mother in family dynamics often displays a range of behaviors that can be deeply damaging to her children. These may include constant criticism, emotional manipulation, lack of empathy, and a tendency to pit siblings against each other. She may demand constant attention and admiration from her children, becoming angry or withdrawn when she doesn’t receive it.

A narcissistic mother often views her children as extensions of herself rather than independent individuals, leading to boundary violations and enmeshment. She may alternate between idealization and devaluation of her children, creating an unstable and confusing emotional environment. Psych Central outlines how narcissistic mothers often use guilt, shame, and obligation to control their children, even into adulthood. Recognizing these signs is crucial for children of narcissistic mothers to begin the process of healing and establishing healthier relationships.

How Does The Scapegoat Child Develop Resilience Despite Narcissistic Abuse?

Despite the challenges faced, many scapegoat children develop remarkable resilience. This resilience often stems from their early recognition of the family’s dysfunction, which can lead to a stronger sense of self separate from the narcissistic parent’s projections. Scapegoats may develop keen observational skills and emotional intelligence as they navigate the complex family dynamics.

They often become adept at problem-solving and self-reliance. According to Very Well Mind, scapegoats are more likely to seek therapy and support outside the family, which can significantly aid in their healing and personal growth. This willingness to seek help and confront their trauma can lead to greater self-awareness and the development of healthy coping mechanisms. Additionally, the experience of being the family scapegoat can foster a deep sense of empathy and a desire to help others, often leading scapegoats to pursue careers in helping professions.

What Are The Challenges Faced By The Golden Child In Breaking Free From Narcissistic Family Dynamics?

The golden child often faces unique challenges in breaking free from narcissistic family dynamics. Unlike the scapegoat, who may more readily recognize the abuse, the golden child has been conditioned to see their role as privileged and desirable. This can make it difficult for them to acknowledge the toxicity of their family environment.

Golden children often struggle with intense guilt when attempting to set boundaries or make choices that don’t align with their narcissistic parent’s wishes. They may fear losing their “special” status and the conditional love they’ve become accustomed to. The Narcissistic Life explains that golden children often face an identity crisis when trying to break free, as so much of their self-worth has been tied to their role in the family. They may struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, and difficulty in making independent decisions. Breaking free often requires the golden child to confront painful realities about their upbringing and redefine their sense of self outside of their family’s expectations.

How Does Narcissistic Family Dynamics Affect The Development Of Personal Boundaries?

Narcissistic family dynamics can severely impair the development of healthy personal boundaries. In these families, boundaries are often blurred or non-existent, with the narcissistic parent frequently invading their children’s physical and emotional space. The golden child may struggle with setting boundaries due to fear of losing their favored status, while the scapegoat might have their boundaries consistently violated and disrespected.

This lack of boundary modeling in childhood can lead to difficulties in adult relationships, where individuals may struggle to assert their needs or recognize when their boundaries are being crossed. Psychology Today discusses how children from narcissistic families often need to learn boundary-setting skills in adulthood, which can be a challenging but crucial part of their healing journey. Developing healthy boundaries involves recognizing one’s own needs and limits, communicating them effectively, and being willing to enforce them consistently.

What Role Does Intergenerational Trauma Play In Narcissistic Family Systems?

Intergenerational trauma plays a significant role in perpetuating narcissistic family systems. Narcissistic behaviors and parenting styles are often passed down through generations, creating a cycle of dysfunction. Parents who were raised in narcissistic families may unconsciously recreate similar dynamics with their own children, even if they don’t have a full-blown narcissistic personality disorder.

This transmission of trauma can occur through learned behaviors, unresolved emotional issues, and maladaptive coping mechanisms. The Narcissistic Life explains how children raised in narcissistic families may internalize toxic beliefs and behaviors, carrying them into their adult relationships and parenting styles. Breaking this cycle requires conscious effort, self-awareness, and often therapeutic intervention. Understanding the role of intergenerational trauma can be a crucial step in healing, as it allows individuals to contextualize their experiences and work towards creating healthier patterns for future generations.

How Can Siblings Support Each Other In Healing From Narcissistic Family Trauma?

Siblings can play a crucial role in supporting each other’s healing from narcissistic family trauma, although this process can be challenging due to the divisive nature of narcissistic family dynamics. The first step often involves recognizing the shared experience of abuse and validating each other’s feelings and memories. This can be particularly powerful as narcissistic parents often gaslight their children, causing them to doubt their own perceptions.

Siblings can provide emotional support, share resources for healing, and help each other maintain boundaries with toxic family members. Psych Central suggests that open, honest communication between siblings about their experiences can be healing, even if they had different roles in the family dynamic. It’s important for siblings to respect each other’s individual healing journeys and understand that they may be at different stages of recovery.

About the Author :

Som Dutt, Top writer in Philosophy & Psychology on Medium.com. I make people Think, Relate, Feel & Move. Let's Embrace Inner Chaos and Appreciate Deep, Novel & Heavy Thoughts.

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