Last updated on April 17th, 2025 at 05:17 am
Have you ever wondered how to make a covert narcissist crawling back to you? It might sound impossible, but influencing their behavior is easier when you understand their hidden vulnerabilities.
Covert narcissists crave control, validation, and attention, but their subtle manipulation often masks these needs. By strategically addressing these traits, you can shift the dynamic in your favor.
Psychological research backs this up. Studies reveal that covert narcissism explains 12% of behavioral variance, with a medium effect size (Cohen’s f² = 0.14). Interestingly, their lack of cognitive empathy (ρ = -0.23) makes them more likely to respond to indirect strategies. This means you can regain control without confrontation or drama.
Ready to explore what works? Let’s dive into these proven strategies together.
Key Takeaways
Stay silent to break their control. Avoid contact for 30 days to create space.
Show your worth quietly. Talk about your successes without asking for their approval.
Be mysterious. Don’t always be available and act unpredictably to keep them curious.
Make them fear rejection by meeting new people. Let them see you happy with others to make them insecure.
Spark their competitive side by showing your growth. Share new skills or wins to make them feel left out.
Reverse their tricks. Copy their actions and act in surprising ways to confuse them.
Change the story of your relationship. See yourself as valuable and set rules for getting back together.
Stick to your limits. Take care of your feelings and only reconnect if it’s on your terms.
1. Strategic Silence To Make The Covert Narcissist Crawl Back
Silence can be a powerful tool when dealing with a covert narcissist. It disrupts their need for control and forces them to confront the void left by your absence. Let’s explore how you can use silence strategically to shift the dynamic in your favor.
Implementing The No-Contact Rule
Creating A Communication Vacuum That Threatens Their Control
Have you noticed how a covert narcissist thrives on keeping you within their emotional orbit? By cutting off all communication, you create a vacuum that challenges their sense of control. This isn’t just about ignoring their texts or calls—it’s about removing yourself entirely from their reach.
When you stop engaging, they lose the ability to manipulate your emotions. This lack of access can make them feel unsettled, even desperate. They may start questioning their influence over you, which can lead to them seeking ways to re-establish contact. Silence, in this case, speaks louder than words.
Setting Specific Timeframes For Complete Disengagement
How long should you stay silent? Setting a clear timeframe for no contact is essential. Start with a minimum of 30 days. This period gives you space to regain emotional clarity while also making the covert narcissist feel your absence.
During this time, resist the urge to check their social media or respond to indirect attempts to reach you. Stick to your boundaries. The longer you maintain this silence, the more likely they are to feel the impact of your absence. Remember, the goal is to make them realize what they’ve lost without you having to say a word.
Selective Response Strategy
Responding Only To Certain Messages To Create Uncertainty
If going completely no-contact isn’t an option, a selective response strategy can work wonders. Respond only to messages that are neutral or necessary, like logistical questions. Ignore anything emotional or manipulative.
This selective engagement creates uncertainty in their mind. They’ll start wondering why you’re not reacting the way they expect. This unpredictability can make them crave your attention even more, pushing them to try harder to reconnect.
Maintaining Emotional Distance During Limited Interactions
When you do respond, keep your tone neutral and detached. Avoid sharing personal details or showing any emotional vulnerability. For example, if they ask how you’re doing, a simple “I’m fine, thanks” is enough.
By maintaining emotional distance, you signal that their usual tactics no longer work on you. This shift in power dynamics can make the covert narcissist feel off-balance, increasing the likelihood of them trying to win you back.
Pro Tip: Think of your silence and selective responses as a reset button. It’s not about punishing them; it’s about reclaiming your emotional space and making them realize they can’t take you for granted.
2. Leveraging The Covert Narcissist’s Need For Validation
Covert narcissists thrive on validation. It’s their fuel, their lifeline. If you know how to manage this need, you can shift the power dynamic in your favor. Let’s explore how you can subtly highlight your value while strategically withdrawing the validation they crave.
Subtly Highlighting Your Value
Casually Mentioning Accomplishments Without Seeking Their Approval
You don’t need to brag to get their attention. Instead, casually mention your achievements in passing. For example, if you’ve recently earned a promotion or mastered a new skill, bring it up naturally in conversation. Say something like, “I’ve been busy with my new role—it’s been challenging but rewarding.”
This approach works because covert narcissists are always scanning for signs of value in others. When you share your accomplishments without seeking their approval, it signals confidence and independence. They’ll notice, even if they don’t acknowledge it outright.
Allowing Others To Praise You In Their Presence
Sometimes, the best way to highlight your value is to let others do it for you. If you’re in a social setting with the covert narcissist, let mutual friends or colleagues mention your successes. For instance, a friend might say, “Did you hear about their new project? It’s incredible!”
Hearing praise from someone else can trigger the covert narcissist’s competitive streak. They may start to see you as someone worth chasing again, especially if they feel like they’re losing influence over you.
Tip: Keep your tone humble and grounded when discussing your achievements. Overconfidence can backfire, making them feel threatened instead of intrigued.
Strategic Validation Withdrawal
Withholding The Specific Praise They Crave Most
Covert narcissists often have specific areas where they seek validation—whether it’s their intelligence, creativity, or charm. Pay attention to what they value most, and then intentionally withhold praise in that area.
For example, if they pride themselves on their wit, avoid complimenting their jokes or clever remarks. Instead, focus on neutral or unrelated topics. This subtle withdrawal can make them feel unsettled, prompting them to work harder to regain your approval.
Redirecting Validation To Areas They Consider Unimportant
Another effective strategy is to redirect your validation to areas they don’t prioritize. If they value their intellect, compliment their kindness or organizational skills instead. This tactic shifts the focus away from their ego-driven needs, leaving them feeling off-balance.
By withholding and redirecting validation, you create a sense of unpredictability. They’ll start questioning their ability to control your perception of them, which can make them more eager to reconnect.
Pro Tip: Validation withdrawal isn’t about being cruel—it’s about breaking the cycle of dependency. You’re teaching them that your approval isn’t guaranteed, which can make them value it even more.
3. Creating Mystery That Attracts The Covert Narcissist Back
Mystery has a magnetic pull, especially for a covert narcissist. When you become less predictable, they can’t help but feel intrigued. Let’s explore how you can cultivate an air of mystery and use social media to draw them back into your orbit.
Cultivating An Air Of Unavailability
Deliberately Limiting Access To Your Time And Attention
Have you ever noticed how people value what they can’t easily have? The same principle applies here. By limiting their access to your time and attention, you create a sense of scarcity. Stop being readily available. If they text, don’t reply immediately. If they call, let it go to voicemail.
This doesn’t mean ignoring them entirely. Instead, make them wonder what’s keeping you so busy. Are you out with friends? Pursuing a new hobby? They’ll start imagining scenarios, and that curiosity will keep you on their mind.
Creating Unpredictable Response Patterns To Their Outreach
Predictability kills intrigue. If you always respond the same way, they’ll lose interest. Mix things up. Sometimes reply quickly, other times wait hours or even days. Keep your responses short and neutral, leaving them wanting more.
For example, if they ask, “What are you up to?” respond with something vague like, “Just handling a few things.” This keeps them guessing without giving away too much. The less they know, the more they’ll want to find out.
Tip: Think of this as a game of chess. Every move you make should leave them wondering what your next one will be.
Strategic Social Media Presence
Posting Glimpses Of Your Life Without Full Disclosure
Social media is a powerful tool for creating mystery. Post snippets of your life that hint at excitement without revealing everything. A photo of a coffee cup on a table with a second cup in the background. A picture of a scenic view with no caption. These small details spark curiosity.
Research shows that anonymity and partial disclosure can create a sense of allure. People are naturally drawn to uncover what’s hidden. By sharing just enough to pique their interest, you can keep them hooked.
Evidence Description | Key Insight |
|---|---|
The strategy of faceless marketing leverages storytelling and community engagement to create a narrative that consumers can relate to. | This approach fosters deeper connections with brands, enhancing allure through relatability. |
Anonymity in faceless marketing creates a unique charisma that captures consumer interest. | It intrigues customers by crafting a distinctive aura around products and services. |
The natural human curiosity driven by anonymity is leveraged to build a brand’s mystique. | This strategy encourages consumers to engage more deeply to uncover the brand’s essence. |
Focusing on intrinsic value and brand ethos fosters emotional connections. | This cultivates intrigue and loyalty among consumers. |
The appeal of anonymity significantly impacts purchasing decisions. | Consumers are drawn to uncover the mystery behind the brand, leading to increased engagement and likelihood of purchase. |
Showcasing Joy And Fulfillment Without Mentioning Them
Nothing draws a covert narcissist back faster than seeing you happy without them. Post photos of yourself smiling, enjoying new experiences, or spending time with friends. Avoid mentioning them or anything related to your past relationship.
This creates a powerful message: you’re thriving, and they’re not the center of your world anymore. It taps into their fear of being replaced or forgotten, making them more likely to reach out.
Pro Tip: Keep your posts authentic. Forced happiness is easy to spot and won’t have the same effect.
4. Triggering The Covert Narcissist’s Fear Of Rejection
Fear of rejection is a covert narcissist’s Achilles’ heel. They thrive on feeling irreplaceable, so the idea of being left behind can deeply unsettle them. By building meaningful connections and setting firm boundaries, you can subtly trigger this fear and shift the power dynamic in your favor.
Building New Meaningful Connections
Developing Relationships With People They Perceive As High-Value
Covert narcissists often measure their worth by comparison. When they see you forming relationships with people they admire or envy, it can spark feelings of insecurity. Start connecting with individuals they perceive as high-value—this could be someone successful, charismatic, or socially influential.
For example, if they value professional success, mention a new mentor or colleague who’s helping you grow. If they’re drawn to social status, casually reference a new friend who’s well-connected. These subtle hints can make them feel like they’re losing their grip on your life.
Tip: Don’t overdo it. Keep these mentions casual and natural. The goal is to plant a seed of curiosity, not to provoke outright jealousy.
Allowing News Of Your Expanded Social Circle To Reach Them
You don’t need to flaunt your new connections directly. Let the news reach them organically. Mutual friends, social media, or even casual conversations can do the trick. For instance, post a group photo from a recent event or share a story about a fun outing with your new circle.
This approach works because covert narcissists hate feeling excluded. When they see you thriving with others, it can trigger their fear of being replaced. They may start reaching out to re-establish their presence in your life.
Setting Subtle But Firm Boundaries
Enforcing Rules For Interaction Without Explicit Explanation
Boundaries are essential when dealing with a covert narcissist. But instead of announcing them outright, enforce them subtly. For example, if they tend to call late at night, stop answering after a certain hour. If they push for personal details, respond with vague answers like, “I’m focusing on myself right now.”
These unspoken rules send a clear message: you’re no longer available on their terms. This shift can make them feel like they’re losing control, which often compels them to try harder to win you back.
Demonstrating Consequences For Boundary Violations
What happens if they cross a line? Show them there are consequences. If they ignore your boundaries, reduce your availability even further. For instance, if they bombard you with messages after you’ve asked for space, take longer to respond—or don’t respond at all.
This isn’t about being punitive; it’s about teaching them that your boundaries matter. Over time, they’ll learn that respecting your limits is the only way to stay in your life.
5. Activating Competitive Drive In The Covert Narcissist
Covert narcissists often thrive on competition. They measure their self-worth by comparing themselves to others, especially those they once controlled. By activating their competitive drive, you can make them feel like they’re losing out, which can push them to re-engage with you. Let’s explore how you can use this to your advantage.
Showcasing Your Personal Growth Journey
Highlighting New Skills And Achievements They Can’t Claim
Have you recently learned something new or achieved a personal milestone? Highlight it. For example, if you’ve started a fitness journey or taken up a new hobby, let them know in subtle ways. You might say, “I’ve been working on my photography skills lately—it’s been so rewarding.”
Covert narcissists hate feeling like they’re being left behind. When they see you growing in ways they can’t claim credit for, it can spark their competitive nature. They may start trying to prove they’re just as accomplished or even better.
Demonstrating Emotional Maturity Beyond Their Capability
Emotional maturity is something covert narcissists often struggle with. By showing that you’ve grown emotionally, you can highlight a gap they can’t easily bridge. For instance, if they try to provoke you, respond calmly and without drama. Say something like, “I’ve learned to focus on what truly matters, and it’s been freeing.”
This calm, composed demeanor can make them feel inferior. They’ll notice that their usual tactics no longer affect you, which can make them want to regain your attention.
Tip: Growth doesn’t have to be loud. Sometimes, quiet confidence speaks volumes.
Positioning New Opportunities In Their View
Mentioning Interest From Others In Professional Or Personal Contexts
Covert narcissists crave exclusivity. If they sense others are interested in you—whether professionally or personally—it can trigger their competitive streak. Casually mention opportunities or attention you’ve received. For example, “A colleague suggested I’d be perfect for this new project,” or “I’ve been meeting some really interesting people lately.”
This subtle hint of competition can make them feel like they’re losing their hold on you. They’ll want to reclaim their position in your life.
Creating Scenarios Where They Must Compete For Your Attention
You don’t need to pit them against others directly. Instead, create situations where your attention feels like a prize. For example, if they reach out, don’t immediately respond. Let them see that your time is valuable and not easily given.
Another way to do this is by being visibly engaged in activities or relationships that don’t involve them. Post a photo of a group outing or share a story about a new project you’re passionate about. This makes them feel like they need to work harder to earn your attention.
Pro Tip: The goal isn’t to make them jealous but to remind them that you’re not waiting around for them.
By showcasing your growth and positioning new opportunities in their view, you can activate their competitive drive. This can make a covert narcissist crawling back to regain the influence they feel they’ve lost.
6. Using Psychological Reversal To Make The Covert Narcissist Return
Psychological reversal is a clever way to shift the dynamic with a covert narcissist. It’s about flipping their tactics back on them, making them question their own behavior. This approach can create just enough discomfort to draw them back into your orbit. Let’s break it down into two powerful strategies you can use.
Implementing The Mirror Technique
Reflecting Their Behavior Back With Subtle Modifications
Have you ever noticed how a covert narcissist thrives on control? They often use subtle manipulation to keep you off balance. By mirroring their behavior, you can turn the tables. For example, if they suddenly go silent, you can do the same. If they give vague answers, respond in kind.
This isn’t about being petty—it’s about showing them what their actions feel like. When they see their own behavior reflected back, it can create a sense of unease. They may start questioning their tactics, wondering if they’ve lost their grip on you.
Pro Tip: Keep it subtle. The goal is to make them notice the shift without feeling attacked.
Creating Cognitive Dissonance Through Unexpected Responses
Covert narcissists rely on predictability. They expect you to react in certain ways, whether it’s anger, sadness, or compliance. By responding in unexpected ways, you can disrupt their narrative.
For instance, if they try to provoke you with a passive-aggressive comment, respond with calm indifference. Say something like, “That’s an interesting perspective,” and leave it at that. This kind of response can throw them off balance, forcing them to rethink their approach.
Example: Imagine they accuse you of being too busy for them. Instead of defending yourself, you could reply, “You’re right, I’ve been focusing on things that matter to me.” This not only deflects their attempt to guilt you but also reinforces your independence.
Employing Strategic Indifference
Displaying Genuine Disinterest In Their Manipulation Attempts
Covert narcissists feed off your reactions. When you stop giving them the emotional responses they crave, it can leave them feeling powerless. Practice genuine indifference. If they try to bait you with drama, respond with neutrality.
For example, if they bring up a past argument to stir up emotions, you could say, “I’ve moved past that.” This shows them that their usual tactics no longer work on you. Over time, they may start seeking your attention in more constructive ways.
Tip: Indifference doesn’t mean being rude. It’s about staying calm and detached, showing them that you’re in control of your emotions.
Complimenting Their Independence While Withholding Emotional Investment
This might sound counterintuitive, but praising their independence can be a powerful tool. Covert narcissists often crave validation, but they also fear losing control. By complimenting their ability to stand on their own, you can subtly shift the dynamic.
For instance, you might say, “It’s great to see you handling things so well on your own.” This kind of comment reinforces their sense of self-worth while signaling that you’re not emotionally dependent on them.
At the same time, withhold deeper emotional investment. Avoid sharing your vulnerabilities or seeking their approval. This creates a sense of distance, making them work harder to regain your attention.
Pro Tip: Balance is key. Too much indifference can push them away, but just enough can make them realize they need to step up to keep you in their life.
Psychological reversal isn’t about manipulation—it’s about reclaiming your power. By mirroring their behavior and practicing strategic indifference, you can disrupt their patterns and make them see you in a new light. Hard? Yes. Worth it? Absolutely.
7. Reframing The Relationship Narrative For Covert Narcissist Re-engagement
Reframing the relationship narrative is a powerful way to shift the dynamic with a covert narcissist. By presenting yourself as the prize and setting clear terms for reconciliation, you can regain control and make them see the value of re-engaging with you.
Positioning Yourself As The Prize
Subtly Communicating Your Enhanced Value Since Their Departure
You’ve grown since they left, haven’t you? Now’s the time to let that shine. Without directly pointing it out, show them how much you’ve improved. Maybe you’ve picked up a new skill, started a passion project, or simply found more peace in your life. Mention these changes casually. For example, “I’ve been focusing on my fitness lately—it’s been such a great outlet.”
This subtle communication sends a clear message: you’re thriving without them. Covert narcissists often feel drawn to people they perceive as valuable. When they see your growth, they’ll start to wonder if they made a mistake by letting you go.
Creating A Perception That Returning Is Their Beneficial Choice
Covert narcissists are driven by self-interest. To make them crawl back, you need to frame reconciliation as something that benefits them. Highlight how your connection brought value to their life. For instance, you might say, “I’ve always admired how we could challenge each other to grow.”
This approach taps into their ego. It makes them feel like returning to you isn’t just about fixing the relationship—it’s about regaining something they can’t find elsewhere. A case study on narrative therapy in couples highlights how reframing the story of a relationship can lead to re-engagement. It emphasizes the importance of understanding narcissistic dynamics to create a path for reconnection.
Tip: Keep the focus on your value, not their shortcomings. This keeps the conversation positive and productive.
Establishing Terms For Potential Reconciliation
Setting Clear Conditions That Must Be Met Before Reengagement
If you’re considering letting them back into your life, set boundaries first. Be clear about what you need from them. For example, you might say, “I’m open to reconnecting, but I need honesty and respect moving forward.”
This isn’t about being demanding—it’s about protecting yourself. Experts agree that narcissists often lack empathy and accountability. Without clear terms, you risk falling back into old patterns. Setting conditions ensures that any reconciliation happens on your terms, not theirs.
Maintaining Control Of The Pace And Nature Of Any Reconnection
Take your time. Don’t let them rush you into picking up where you left off. If they push for immediate answers, respond with something like, “I need time to think about what’s best for both of us.”
By controlling the pace, you show them that you’re not desperate. This shift in power dynamics can make them work harder to earn your trust. Research highlights the emotional harm that can arise from engaging with a narcissist without boundaries. Protecting your emotional well-being should always come first.
Conclusion
Reframing the relationship narrative isn’t about manipulation—it’s about reclaiming your power. By positioning yourself as the prize and setting clear terms, you can make a covert narcissist crawling back while ensuring the relationship dynamic works in your favor.
You now have seven proven strategies to make a covert narcissist crawling back. From using strategic silence to reframing the relationship narrative, each method taps into their hidden vulnerabilities. These approaches aren’t about manipulation—they’re about reclaiming your power and setting boundaries. Remember, consistency is key. Stick to these strategies, and you’ll shift the dynamic in your favor.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between covert and overt narcissism?
Covert narcissists are more subtle and introverted. They often appear shy or vulnerable but still crave admiration. Overt narcissists, on the other hand, are openly arrogant and attention-seeking. Research (Cain et al., 2008) highlights these contrasting traits, showing how covert narcissists mask their grandiosity with humility.
Can these strategies work on all covert narcissists?
Not every covert narcissist will respond the same way. Their reactions depend on their personality and emotional state. However, these strategies target common traits like control and validation needs, making them effective in many cases. Consistency and patience are key.
Is it manipulative to use these techniques?
No, these strategies focus on reclaiming your power and setting boundaries. They’re not about manipulation but about protecting your emotional well-being. As a therapist, I’ve seen how these methods help clients regain control in toxic dynamics.
How long does it take for these strategies to work?
It varies. Some covert narcissists may respond within weeks, while others take longer. The key is consistency. Stick to the strategies, and don’t rush the process. Remember, your growth and boundaries matter more than their timeline.
What if the covert narcissist doesn’t come back?
That’s okay. These strategies are about empowering you, not guaranteeing their return. If they don’t come back, it’s a sign they weren’t willing to change. Focus on your growth and building healthier relationships.
Can I use these strategies if I still love them?
Yes, but proceed with caution. Loving someone doesn’t mean tolerating toxic behavior. These strategies help you set boundaries and protect your emotional health while leaving the door open for healthier interactions.
Are there risks in re-engaging with a covert narcissist?
Yes, there are risks. Covert narcissists often struggle with empathy and accountability. Without clear boundaries, you risk falling back into old patterns. Always prioritize your emotional safety and seek professional guidance if needed.
Should I seek therapy while using these strategies?
Absolutely. Therapy can provide valuable support and insight. A licensed therapist can help you navigate the complexities of dealing with a covert narcissist and ensure you’re prioritizing your mental health.