Last updated on February 22nd, 2025 at 12:17 am
Covert narcissists put on a nice face to the world. They seem humble and caring on the outside. But behind closed doors, they use sneaky tricks to make themselves feel big by making others feel small.
In this post, we’ll uncover the 45 mind games played by covert narcissists deploy to gaslight, manipulate, and dominate. Find out how to recognize their tactics and safeguard.. We’ll also share tips on how to spot these games and protect yourself.
Let’s pull back the curtain on how covert narcissists think and act. Get ready to learn how to beat them at their own game!
What is a Covert Narcissist?
A covert narcissist is like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. On the outside, they seem nice, humble, and caring. But inside, they have the same selfish traits as other narcissists:
- They think they’re better than everyone else
- They daydream about being powerful and famous
- They need others to praise them all the time
- They can’t understand or care about other people’s feelings
The difference is that covert narcissists hide these traits behind a mask of fake modesty. They don’t brag openly. Instead, they use sneaky mind games to feel superior and control others.
45 Mind Games Played By Covert Narcissists
1. Hoovering – Sucking You Back In
Hoovering is when a narcissist tries to “suck” you back into a relationship after pushing you away. They may suddenly act super nice and loving. But it’s just a trick to regain control over you.
For example, they might send you a sweet text out of the blue after giving you the silent treatment for days. Or they could show up with flowers after a big fight, acting like nothing happened.
2. Word Salad – Confusing You With Nonsense
Word salad is when narcissists use confusing, meaningless language to frustrate you. They mix up words and ideas in ways that don’t make sense.
For instance, they might say something like: “I’m not going to the store with no money in my pocket, but I saw a blue ambulance yesterday on the way home from work.”
The goal is to confuse you so much that you can’t respond. This makes the narcissist feel smart and keeps you off balance.
3. Moving the Goalposts – Changing the Rules
Covert narcissists often change the rules or expectations in a relationship without warning. Just when you think you’ve met their demands, they add new ones.
For example, they might praise you for doing the dishes, then criticize you for not vacuuming too. Or they could agree to plans, then get mad that you didn’t read their mind about what they “really” wanted to do.
4. Smear Campaigns – Spreading Lies About You
When covert narcissists can’t control you directly, they try to control how others see you. They spread lies and rumors to ruin your reputation.
They might tell friends you’re “crazy” or “unstable.” Or post things online to make you look bad. The goal is to isolate you and make others not believe you.
5. Fake Apologies – Saying Sorry Without Meaning It
Covert narcissists give empty apologies to avoid taking real responsibility. They might say “I’m sorry you feel that way” instead of “I’m sorry for what I did.”
These fake apologies let them pretend to care without actually changing their behavior. They’re just words to manipulate you into forgiving them.
6. Crocodile Tears – Fake Crying to Manipulate You
Some covert narcissists use fake emotions to control others. They might cry or act super sad to make you feel bad for them.
This “poor me” act is meant to distract you from their bad behavior. They want your sympathy so you’ll forgive them without them having to actually change.
7. Sabotage – Secretly Messing Up Your Plans
Covert narcissists sometimes secretly sabotage your goals and plans. They might “forget” important deadlines. Or give you bad advice that sets you back.
8. False Promises – Making Plans They Won’t Keep
Narcissists love to make big promises they have no intention of keeping. They might promise amazing vacations, gifts, or job opportunities. But these promises never seem to happen.
The goal is to keep you hopeful and under their control. They dangle carrots they never plan to give you.
9. Subtle Put-Downs – Insulting You in Sneaky Ways
Covert narcissists are masters of the backhanded compliment and subtle insult. They might say things like:
- “You’re so brave to wear that outfit!”
- “I’m impressed you got that job. They must have been desperate.”
- “Your cooking is good…for a beginner.”
These sneaky put-downs are meant to chip away at your self-esteem. The narcissist feels better about themselves by making you feel worse.
Call out these “compliments” for what they really are – insults. Don’t let their sleight of hand fool you.
10. The Mask of Innocence – Pretending to be Harmless
Covert narcissists often put on an act of being super humble and innocent. They might downplay their skills or act overly polite.
This “who me?” routine is designed to hide their true selfish nature. They want you to let your guard down so they can manipulate you more easily.
11. Two-Faced Behavior – Acting Different With Different People
Covert narcissists often show very different sides of themselves to different people. They might be sweet as pie to your face, then trash-talk you behind your back.
Or they could act like your best friend in private, but ignore you around others. This two-faced behavior keeps you off-balance and questioning yourself.
12. Hide and Seek – Disappearing and Reappearing
Many covert narcissists play “hide and seek” with your emotions. They’ll shower you with attention one day, then go totally silent the next.
This push-pull tactic is meant to keep you always craving their approval. When they reappear, you’re so grateful that you overlook their bad behavior.
13. Selective Memory – “Forgetting” Things That Don’t Suit Them
Covert narcissists often have very selective memories. They “forget” promises they made or hurtful things they said. But they remember every little mistake you’ve made.
This selective amnesia lets them avoid taking responsibility for their actions. It’s also a form of gaslighting that makes you doubt your own memory.
14. Slow Poison – Gradually Increasing Bad Behavior
Like a frog in slowly heating water, covert narcissists often introduce their abusive behavior bit by bit. They start with tiny put-downs or boundary violations.
Over time, these “small” issues grow into major problems. But because it happened slowly, you may not notice how bad things have gotten.
15. False Self – Hiding Their True Personality
At their core, covert narcissists feel deeply flawed and unworthy. To protect themselves, they create a “false self” – a mask of fake confidence and charm.
This false self hides their true selfish, uncaring nature. It’s like a shell that protects their fragile ego from the world.
16. Emotional Hot Potato – Refusing to Deal With Feelings
Many covert narcissists hate dealing with emotions – their own or others’. When you try to talk about feelings, they clam up or change the subject.
This “emotional hot potato” game leaves you feeling unheard and invalidated. The narcissist avoids responsibility by refusing to engage.
17. Shaming and Belittling – Making You Feel Small
Covert narcissists often use subtle shaming and belittling to make you feel bad about yourself. They might roll their eyes when you talk. Or sigh heavily like you’re bothering them.
These small acts chip away at your self-esteem over time. The narcissist feels big by making you feel small.
18. Parasitic Relationships – Using You for “Supply”
To a covert narcissist, other people aren’t really people – they’re sources of narcissistic supply. They feed off your attention, praise, and energy like a parasite.
They’ll drain you dry emotionally, then move on to a new host when you have nothing left to give. Your needs don’t matter – only what you can do for them.
19. The Normalcy Act – Blending In to Hide in Plain Sight
Unlike grandiose narcissists who stand out, covert narcissists are masters of blending in. They seem totally normal and agreeable on the surface.
This “normalcy act” lets them hide their true nature from the world. They save their cruelty for behind closed doors with those closest to them.
20. Criticism and Comparisons – Making You Feel Not Good Enough
Covert narcissists love to subtly criticize you and compare you unfavorably to others. They might say things like:
- “Why can’t you be more like Sarah? She always looks so put together.”
- “I guess that outfit looks okay on you. Some people can pull off anything!”
- “Your brother is so successful. It’s a shame you haven’t found your path yet.”
21. Withholding Affection – Using Love as a Weapon
Many covert narcissists use affection as a tool to control you. They shower you with love when you do what they want. But they turn cold as ice when you don’t.
This creates a cycle of you always trying to earn back their love. You walk on eggshells, afraid to upset them.
22. Gaslighting – Making You Doubt Your Reality
Gaslighting is a favorite tool of covert narcissists. They deny things you know happened. They insist you’re remembering wrong. They act like you’re crazy for seeing what you clearly saw.
The goal is to make you doubt your own mind. When you can’t trust yourself, you’re easier to control.
23. Triangulation – Playing People Against Each Other
Covert narcissists often try to create drama between you and others. They might:
- Tell you that your friend said mean things about you (when they didn’t)
- Flirt with others to make you jealous
- Compare you unfavorably to exes or other people
24. Projection – Accusing You of Their Faults
Projection is when someone accuses you of the exact thing they’re guilty of. Covert narcissists do this all the time.
They might call you selfish when they’re the selfish ones. Or accuse you of cheating when they’re the unfaithful partner.
25. Guilt Trips – Making You Feel Bad to Control You
Covert narcissists are masters of the guilt trip. They know just what to say to make you feel terrible about yourself. Some common guilt trips include:
- “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”
- “I guess I’m just a terrible person then!”
- “Fine, I’ll just do everything myself like always.”
26. False Praise – Faking Compliments to Manipulate You
Sometimes covert narcissists will shower you with praise and compliments. But it’s not because they truly admire you. It’s to butter you up so they can ask for something later.
This false flattery is just another manipulation tactic. They’re investing in future favors, not genuinely appreciating you.
27. Silent Treatment – Punishing You With Silence
The silent treatment is a favorite weapon of covert narcissists. They might ignore your calls and texts for days. Or refuse to speak to you even when you’re in the same room.
This cold shoulder is meant to punish you for some perceived slight. They want you to beg for their attention and forgiveness.
“You will never get the truth out of a Narcissist. The closest you will ever come is a story that either makes them the victim or the hero, but never the villain.”
― shannon l. alder
28. Exploiting Your Weaknesses – Using Your Vulnerabilities Against You
Covert narcissists pay close attention to your insecurities and weak spots. Then they use that info against you when they want to hurt you.
29. Playing the Victim – Always the Wronged Party
Covert narcissists love to play the victim card. No matter what happens, they find a way to make themselves the injured party. This victim-playing tactic serves several purposes:
- It deflects blame from their bad behavior
- It garners sympathy and attention
- It makes you feel guilty for “hurting” them
30. Passive-Aggression – Indirect Hostility
Instead of expressing anger directly, covert narcissists often use passive-aggressive tactics. They might:
- Give you the silent treatment
- Make sarcastic comments
- Procrastinate on tasks you need done
- “Forget” important events
31. Boundary Violations – Ignoring Your Limits
Covert narcissists often have little respect for others’ boundaries. They might:
- Borrow things without asking
- Show up uninvited
- Share your secrets with others
- Demand too much of your time and energy
32. Lack of Empathy – Unable to Understand Your Feelings
While they may pretend to care, covert narcissists struggle to truly empathize with others. They can’t put themselves in your shoes or understand why you feel the way you do.
This lack of empathy makes it hard for them to form deep, meaningful relationships. They see others as extensions of themselves, not as separate people with valid feelings.
33. Self-Centeredness – It’s All About Them
At their core, covert narcissists are deeply self-centered. Everything revolves around their needs, wants, and feelings. They may pretend to care about others, but it’s all an act.
This self-absorption makes it impossible for them to be a true partner or friend. They’ll always put themselves first, even if it hurts you.
34. Emotional Immaturity – Childish Reactions
Despite their adult age, many covert narcissists are emotionally stunted. They may throw tantrums, give the silent treatment, or lash out when they don’t get their way.
This emotional immaturity makes it hard for them to handle adult relationships and responsibilities. They expect others to cater to their whims like a parent with a child.
35. Lack of Accountability – Never Their Fault
Covert narcissists hate taking responsibility for their actions. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse or someone else to blame.
This lack of accountability means they rarely learn from their mistakes or truly apologize. They can’t admit when they’re wrong because it threatens their fragile self-image.
36. Entitlement – The World Owes Them
Many covert narcissists have a deep sense of entitlement. They believe they deserve special treatment and that rules don’t apply to them. This entitlement might show up as:
- Expecting others to cater to their needs
- Thinking they should be exempt from waiting in lines or paying fees
- Believing they deserve promotions or praise without earning it
37. Jealousy and Envy – Resenting Others’ Success
Covert narcissists often feel intense jealousy and envy towards others. They can’t stand to see someone else succeed or get attention. This emotional rollercoaster of jealousy might lead them to:
- Subtly sabotage others’ efforts
- Downplay others’ achievements
- Spread rumors to damage others’ reputations
38. Hot and Cold Behavior – Inconsistent Treatment
One day a covert narcissist might treat you like you’re their whole world. The next, they act like you don’t exist. This inconsistent hot-and-cold behavior serves to:
- Keep you off balance and insecure
- Make you crave their good moods
- Give them control over the relationship
39. Selective Generosity – Kindness with Strings Attached
Sometimes a covert narcissist will act incredibly generous. They might buy expensive gifts or do big favors. But this kindness always comes with strings attached. They’ll expect major payback for their “generosity.”
This selective generosity is just another form of manipulation. They’re investing in future favors, not being genuinely kind.
40. Chronic Dissatisfaction – Never Happy
No matter what you do, it’s never enough for a covert narcissist. They always find something to complain about or criticize. This chronic dissatisfaction serves to:
- Keep you always striving for their approval
- Maintain their sense of superiority
- Justify their mistreatment of you
41. Intellectual Putdowns – Making You Feel Stupid
Covert narcissists often use intellectual arrogance to feel superior. They might:
- Use big words to confuse you
- Scoff at your opinions or ideas
- Act like you’re dumb for not knowing something
42. Faux Concern – Fake Worry to Control You
Sometimes a covert narcissist will express “concern” about your choices or behavior. But this worry isn’t genuine – it’s a control tactic. They might say things like:
- “Are you sure you want to wear that? I’m just worried what people will think.”
- “I’m concerned about you spending time with those friends. They’re a bad influence.”
43. Circular Conversations – Talking in Circles
When confronted, covert narcissists often engage in circular conversations. They talk in circles, change the subject, or bring up old grievances. The goal is to:
- Exhaust and confuse you
- Avoid taking responsibility
- Make you give up on the original issue
44. Forced Teaming – Creating a False Sense of Closeness
Covert narcissists sometimes use “forced teaming” to create a false sense of closeness. They might use “we” language or act like you’re in everything together. This tactic:
- Makes it harder for you to set boundaries
- Creates a sense of obligation to them
- Blurs the lines between you and them
45. The Pity Play – Using Sympathy to Manipulate
When all else fails, many covert narcissists resort to the pity play. They share sob stories about their hard life, hoping to manipulate you through guilt and sympathy. This tactic aims to:
- Make you feel bad for setting boundaries
- Excuse their bad behavior
- Keep you from leaving them
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Frequently Asked Questions
What Are The Most Common Mind Games Played By Covert Narcissists?
Covert narcissists employ a variety of subtle manipulation tactics to maintain control and feed their need for narcissistic supply. Some of the most common mind games include gaslighting, where they distort reality to make you doubt your perceptions, and love bombing, which involves showering you with excessive affection to create an intense emotional connection.
Psychology Today explains that covert narcissists also frequently use passive-aggressive behavior, silent treatment, and guilt-tripping to manipulate their targets.
How Does Gaslighting Manifest In Relationships With Covert Narcissists?
Gaslighting is a cornerstone of covert narcissistic abuse, designed to make the victim question their own reality and perceptions. In relationships with covert narcissists, gaslighting often manifests through subtle denial of events or conversations that have taken place.
What Is Love Bombing And How Do Covert Narcissists Use It?
Love bombing is an intense, manipulative courtship tactic used by covert narcissists to quickly forge a deep emotional bond with their target. It involves overwhelming the victim with excessive affection, attention, and promises of a perfect future together.
How Does Triangulation Work As A Manipulation Tactic For Covert Narcissists?
Triangulation is a sophisticated manipulation tactic used by covert narcissists to create insecurity and competition within relationships. PsychCentral describes how narcissists introduce a third party – real or imagined – into the dynamic to provoke jealousy, insecurity, or a sense of inadequacy in their primary target. This third party could be an ex-partner, a friend, or even a celebrity they admire.