9 things narcissists do when they lose control over you can make you feel confused and hurt. You might start to question what is real. Their behavior can change very quickly. This can make you feel strong emotions. Many people feel shame, embarrassment, or anger. Sometimes, you may face narcissistic rage from them.
If you feel overwhelmed, remember this is normal. You are not the only one with these feelings. Knowing this can help you understand what is happening. It can also help you get ready for what comes next.
Key Takeaways
Narcissists react in big ways when they lose control. Their actions can change fast. This can make you feel confused or upset.
Watch for signs that they lost control, like mood changes, anger, or pulling away. Seeing these signs helps you get ready for what they might do.
Narcissists may use tricks like gaslighting or smear campaigns to get power back. Knowing about these tricks helps you keep your self-esteem safe.
It is important to set clear boundaries. Tell them what actions you will not allow. This keeps you safe emotionally.
If you get the silent treatment, know it is a way to control you. Think about your own needs. Get help from friends or family you trust.
Watch out for hoovering, when narcissists try to get you back. Stay strong and keep your distance.
Notice if they blame you or say things that are not true. Do not believe their words. Their words show their own problems, not yours.
Losing Control
Power Shift
When you start to get away from a narcissist, things change. The person who used to be in charge now feels less power. This makes them act in strong ways.
Signs of Lost Control
You can spot signs when a narcissist is losing control. Look for these things:
They might have quick mood changes and act in odd ways.
They could get very angry or even yell.
They may try to make you feel bad or scared.
Sometimes, they stop talking to you or stay away.
They might do anything to get others to notice them.
These signs mean the narcissist feels worried and unsure. Their feelings are out of balance. They might even feel embarrassed. You may see them act out or try new ways to get your attention.
Emotional Fallout
The feelings after this change can be very strong. The narcissist might feel:
Very nervous and scared about losing you
A big need to show they are still in charge
Embarrassed, which can make them act mean or tricky
You might feel mixed up or stressed by their fast changes. Sometimes, you may wonder what is real. This happens a lot when someone uses feelings to get power back.
Impact on You
This can really affect you. You might feel:
Confused by how they act and change moods
Like it is your fault they feel this way
Alone, because they try to keep you from friends or family
Remember: You are not alone. Many people feel this way when a narcissist loses control.
Why It Matters
Knowing why this change matters can help you stay safe.
Threat to Ego
When a narcissist loses power, their ego gets hurt. They might get mad or say it is your fault. This can lead to tricks with feelings or even money. Studies show that feeling special and wanting to use others cause these actions.
Loss of Supply
Narcissists need others to feel good about themselves. Losing control means they lose this “supply.” They might try to get it back by keeping you away from others or making you feel bad. Sometimes, they stop talking or act like nothing is wrong to make you doubt yourself.
Urge to Regain Power
Wanting power back makes a narcissist try many things. They might:
Tell lies or spread stories to hurt your name
Use threats to make you scared
Try to make you need them by cutting off your support
9 Things Narcissists Do When They Lose Control Over You
Overview
When a narcissist loses control, you see certain actions. These things can make you feel upset or confused. You might not know why they do this. Learning about these actions helps you stay safe. It also helps you get ready for what could happen.
Quick List
Here are nine common things a narcissist might do:
Fantasies of Greatness
Belief that They Are Special and Unique
Need for Excessive Admiration
Sense of Entitlement
Interpersonally Exploitative Behavior
Lack of Empathy
Envy of Others or Belief that Others Are Envious of Them
Arrogant and Haughty Behaviors or Attitudes
Difficulty Handling Criticism
You might see one or more of these in your life. Each one is a way for the narcissist to try to get power back.
Spotting Patterns
Narcissists act in certain ways when they feel scared. You can use this table to spot these actions:
Behavior Pattern | Description |
|---|---|
Emotional Volatility | They often feel shame, anger, or emptiness. |
Increased Aggression | You may notice more anger or mean actions. |
Withdrawal from Social Interactions | They might stay away from people. |
Self-Destructive Behaviors | Sometimes, they hurt themselves to deal with feelings. |
Severe Depression or Anxiety | Their sadness or worry can get much worse. |
Heightened Sensitivity | Even small things can make them react strongly. |
Vindictive Behaviors | They may try to hurt people who upset them. |
This table helps you see when their mood or actions change.
Why These Behaviors Happen
Narcissists act out because they feel attacked. They want to keep feeling important. Experts say grandiose narcissists act quickly and blame others. They do not learn from what goes wrong. When you set limits, they may get angry or act too sure of themselves. They want to look better than others, even if it hurts you.
Research Insights
Expert Opinions
Experts say narcissists act without thinking and act too sure of themselves when they lose control. They often blame others and act mean. They do not like to fail. This makes them do the same bad things again.
Study Highlights
Recent studies show narcissists use tricks to avoid blame. You might see these in fights or arguments:
Tactic | Description |
|---|---|
Ad Hominem | They attack you instead of your ideas to make you look bad. |
Straw Man Argument | They change your words to make you seem wrong. |
Red Herring | They talk about other things to distract you. |
Appeal to Hypocrisy | They point out your mistakes to avoid talking about their own. |
Real-Life Cases
Many people see these actions after setting limits. For example, a narcissist might ignore you, spread lies, or be very mean.
1. Smear Campaigns
When a narcissist feels you leaving, they may start smear campaigns. Their main goal is to hurt your reputation and make people doubt you. You might be surprised at how fast they turn others against you.
Reputation Attacks
Spreading Rumors
Narcissists often begin by spreading rumors. They change facts or make up stories about you. You could hear lies about your actions, your character, or your friends. These rumors can move quickly, especially if the narcissist talks to people you both know.
Involving Others
You might see the narcissist getting others involved in their plan. They could ask friends, family, or coworkers to pick sides. Sometimes, they use charm or guilt to get people to believe them. This can make you feel alone or betrayed.
Online Tactics
Social media helps narcissists spread their attacks. They might post hints, share secrets, or make fake accounts. These online attacks can reach many people fast. You may see your name in group chats or public posts.
Responding to Smears
You can do things to protect yourself from a smear campaign. Here are some good ideas:
Talk to a crisis management expert. They can help you handle public problems.
Keep your messages the same. Give updates and stick to the facts.
Collect statements from people who know the truth. Ask them to support you.
Do not argue with the narcissist. Ignoring them can stop things from getting worse.
Tip: Stay close to friends and family who support you. Their help can make you feel stronger.
Talk openly with your support group. Tell them what is happening so they can help you.
Protecting Yourself
Keep your private information safe. Change your passwords and check your social media settings. Save any messages or posts that show the smear campaign. These can help you explain your side later.
Setting Records Straight
If you answer, keep your words clear and calm. Use facts, not feelings. You do not have to answer every rumor. Sometimes, a short message is enough to show the truth.
When to Ignore
You do not have to answer every attack. Sometimes, ignoring the narcissist makes them lose power. If the smear campaign does not change your daily life, you can choose to move on without reacting.
2. Gaslighting
Gaslighting stands out as one of the most confusing tactics you might face when a narcissist loses control. This behavior can make you question your own reality. You may feel lost, anxious, or unsure about what is true.
Reality Distortion
Narcissists use gaslighting to twist your sense of reality. They want you to doubt your memory, feelings, and even your sanity. This tactic often appears in three main ways.
Denial
You may hear the narcissist say things like, “That never happened,” or “You are making it up.” They deny events, even when you remember them clearly. This denial can make you second-guess yourself.
Twisting Words
Narcissists often change what you say. They might claim you said something you never did. Sometimes, they repeat your words back to you in a different way. This makes you feel confused and frustrated.
Making You Doubt
Their goal is to make you doubt your own mind. You might start to wonder if you are too sensitive or if you remember things wrong. Over time, this can wear down your confidence.
Gaslighting is a deliberate tactic used by people with narcissistic traits, especially when they feel they are losing control. As vulnerable narcissism rises, so does the use of gaslighting. Common tactics include misdirection, denial, lying, and contradiction. These actions destabilize you and make it harder for you to seek help.
Defense
You can take steps to protect yourself from gaslighting. Building your defenses helps you stay grounded and trust your own mind.
Keeping Evidence
Write down what happens. Save messages, emails, or notes about conversations. This record helps you remember the truth when someone tries to change it.
Seeking Validation
Talk to people you trust. Share your experiences with friends or family. They can help you see what is real and remind you of your own truth.
Trusting Yourself
Believe in your own feelings and memories. If you feel confused, take a step back and breathe. Remind yourself that your thoughts matter.
Here is a table showing how gaslighting can affect you:
Findings | Description |
|---|---|
Negative Impact on Life Satisfaction | Gaslighting can lower your happiness and satisfaction with life. |
Psychological Effects | You may feel confused, anxious, or even depressed. |
Resilience | Building resilience can help protect you from these negative effects. |
Another table shows the deeper impact on your mind:
Findings | Description |
|---|---|
Brain Rewiring | Gaslighting can change how your brain works, similar to what happens in PTSD. |
Hypervigilance | You may become extra alert but still find it hard to trust your own thoughts and feelings. |
Remember, you are not alone. Many people face gaslighting as part of their journey to break free from control. Trust yourself and reach out for support when you need it.
3. Playing the Victim
When a narcissist feels their control slipping, you may notice them suddenly acting like the victim. This is a powerful way to shift blame and get sympathy from others. You might feel confused or even guilty, even though you did nothing wrong. Recognizing these tactics helps you protect yourself and see through their games.
Sympathy Ploys
Narcissists often use sympathy ploys to keep you off balance. They want you to feel sorry for them, so you stop focusing on their bad behavior. Here are some common ways they do this:
False Accusations
You may hear the narcissist claim you hurt them or treated them unfairly. They might say things like, “You never cared about me,” or “You always make me feel worthless.” These accusations are not true, but they can make you question your actions.
Exaggerated Suffering
Narcissists often act as if they are suffering more than anyone else. They may talk about how hard their life is or how much pain you caused them. Sometimes, they cry or act very upset to get your attention. This suffering is often exaggerated or even fake.
Manipulating Family
You might see the narcissist involve your family or friends. They tell stories that make you look like the bad person. They may call your parents, siblings, or close friends to share their side. This can turn people against you and make you feel isolated.
Narcissists deflect blame and elicit sympathy by adopting a victim narrative. This tactic helps them avoid accountability for their actions while reinforcing their self-image. By positioning themselves as victims, they manipulate others’ emotions and maintain control.
You may also notice that their sympathy is not real. They show concern only when it helps their image or gets them what they want. Sometimes, they care about people only if those people make them look good.
Narcissists often exhibit superficial sympathy, lacking genuine empathy.
They may show sympathy for causes or individuals only when it serves their self-interest or enhances their image.
Genuine sympathy may only be felt in relation to those they see as extensions of themselves, such as their own children or pets.
Spotting Victim Tactics
You can learn to spot these victim tactics. When you know what to look for, you can protect yourself from feeling guilty or confused.
Emotional Blackmail
Narcissists use emotional blackmail to get what they want. They may say, “If you leave me, I will have nothing,” or “You are the only one who cares about me.” These statements are meant to make you feel responsible for their happiness.
Guilt-Trips
You might hear things like, “After all I have done for you, this is how you treat me?” or “No one else would put up with what I go through.” These guilt-trips make you feel bad for setting boundaries or standing up for yourself.
Pattern Recognition
Look for patterns in their behavior. Do they always become the victim when you challenge them? Do they twist stories to make you look like the problem?
Victim Tactic | What You Might Notice |
|---|---|
False Accusations | Claims you hurt them or are unfair |
Exaggerated Suffering | Dramatic displays of pain or sadness |
Manipulating Family | Involving others to take their side |
Emotional Blackmail | Threats or pleas to control your actions |
Guilt-Trips | Reminders of what they have done for you |
Stay aware of these tactics. Trust your own feelings and remember that you are not responsible for their actions.
4. Love Bombing
If a narcissist suddenly gives you lots of attention, you might feel special at first. This is called love bombing. It usually happens when they think they are losing control. You may get lots of attention, gifts, and promises from them. Their real goal is to pull you back in.
Sudden Affection
Love bombing can feel like too much. You might get many texts, calls, or compliments. The narcissist wants you to think you are the most important person. This big show of affection is not for your happiness. It is about their need to feel powerful again.
Over-Apologies
You may hear them say sorry many times. The narcissist says they regret what they did before. They promise not to hurt you again. These apologies can seem very dramatic. You might feel like you have to forgive them fast.
Promises to Change
Narcissists often make big promises to change. They say things like, “I’ll be better,” or “I won’t do that again.” These promises sound real, but they do not last long. The real reason is to make you trust them again.
Lavish Gestures
You might get expensive gifts or surprise trips. The narcissist may write long letters or plan special dates. These big gestures look nice, but they have a reason. They want you to feel close and trust them again.
Tip: If you feel overwhelmed by all the attention, stop and ask yourself if it feels real or too fast.
Red Flags
Love bombing is not real love. It is a trick to get control back. You can spot warning signs if you know what to watch for.
Abuse Cycle
Love bombing is part of a cycle. After lots of affection, the narcissist may start to criticize or ignore you. This keeps you confused. You may not know what is real.
Short-Lived Change
Real love grows slowly and respects your space. Love bombing is strong but does not last. The narcissist changes once they feel in charge again.
Love Bombing | Genuine Affection |
|---|---|
Lots of attention very fast | Affection grows over time |
Quick promises about the future | Feelings grow slowly and together |
Makes you feel special but rushed | Makes you feel safe and valued |
Pushes your limits | Respects your space and time |
Praise turns into criticism | Affection stays steady and kind |
Expert Warnings
Experts say love bombing is a way to control. Narcissists use it to feel better about themselves and get power back. You may notice:
Lots of compliments: “You’re the best person ever.”
Pressure to commit fast: Talking about marriage or moving in.
Constant messages: Many texts or calls every day.
Expensive gifts: Jewelry, trips, or big surprises.
Saying you are soulmates: “I’ve never felt this way before.”
Narcissists worry about being left out. They use love bombing to get attention and control.
5. Rage and Tantrums
When a narcissist feels their grip slipping, you may face sudden rage and tantrums. These outbursts can feel shocking and unpredictable. You might see a calm face turn angry in seconds.
Emotional Outbursts
Narcissists often react with strong emotions when they lose control. You may notice their anger grows quickly and feels out of proportion. These outbursts can happen in private or in front of others.
Verbal Abuse
You might hear harsh words, insults, or yelling. The narcissist may call you names or blame you for their feelings. Sometimes, they twist your words or bring up old mistakes to hurt you. This verbal abuse aims to make you feel small and powerless.
Loss of Decorum
During a tantrum, the narcissist may forget social rules. They might shout in public, slam doors, or throw objects. You could see them act in ways that surprise everyone around. Their need to be in control overrides their sense of what is right or polite.
Threats
You may hear threats, either direct or subtle. The narcissist might say things to scare you or make you feel unsafe. They could threaten to leave, take something from you, or harm themselves. These threats are meant to force you back under their control.
Emotional outbursts often happen when narcissists face:
Not getting their way, even if their demands are unreasonable
Receiving criticism, even if you mean well
Not being the center of attention
Being caught breaking rules
Being asked to take responsibility
Feeling exposed or reminded of past failures
Sensing a loss of control
You may notice these triggers before an outburst. Recognizing them can help you prepare and protect yourself.
Staying Safe
Your safety matters most when facing rage and tantrums. You can take steps to protect your well-being.
Setting Boundaries
Set clear limits with the narcissist. Tell them what behavior you will not accept. Use simple, calm words. For example, you can say, “I will not stay if you yell at me.” Boundaries help you keep control over your own actions.
Seeking Help
If you feel unsafe, reach out to someone you trust. Talk to a friend, family member, or counselor. You do not have to face this alone. Support from others can give you strength and new ideas for handling the situation.
When to Get Support
Sometimes, you need more help. If the narcissist’s rage puts you in danger or harms your mental health, consider professional support. Therapists and support groups can guide you through tough times.
Here is a table to help you remember safety steps:
Safety Step | What You Can Do |
|---|---|
Create an exit strategy | Plan how to leave if things get heated |
Remain calm and composed | Take deep breaths and keep your voice steady |
Avoid arguing or confronting | Do not challenge them during a tantrum |
Set boundaries | State your limits clearly and calmly |
Seek professional help | Contact a therapist if you feel overwhelmed |
Tip: Always trust your instincts. If you feel unsafe, leave the situation as soon as you can.
You do not have to accept rage or tantrums as normal. By understanding these behaviors, you take back your power and protect your peace.
6. Silent Treatment
When a narcissist senses they are losing control, you may experience the silent treatment. This tactic can feel confusing and painful. You might wonder what you did wrong or why the person suddenly stopped talking to you.
Withdrawing
Ignoring You
You may notice the narcissist starts to ignore you. They might walk past you without a word or act as if you do not exist. This behavior can happen at home, at work, or even in public. You might feel invisible or unimportant.
Refusing to Talk
Sometimes, the narcissist refuses to answer your questions or join in conversations. You may try to talk, but they give you no response. This refusal to communicate can make you feel isolated. You might start to doubt yourself or feel anxious.
Using Silence
Narcissists use silence as a tool. They want you to feel uncomfortable and desperate for their attention. Their silence is not about solving problems. It is about making you feel powerless. Many people report that this behavior causes emotional distress and confusion.
The silent treatment is frequently used by narcissists, especially when they feel a loss of control. This tactic helps them regain power over you. Many people experience deep emotional pain because of this behavior.
Coping
Understanding Motives
You might wonder why the narcissist uses the silent treatment. They want to punish you or force you to give in. Their goal is to make you feel guilty or anxious so you will do what they want. Knowing this can help you see that their silence is not your fault.
Maintaining Peace
You can take steps to protect yourself. Try to keep a positive attitude. Set healthy boundaries and decide what behavior you will accept. If the narcissist tries to draw you into a fight, stay calm. Focus on your own well-being.
Keep a positive outlook to help shape the mood.
Set clear emotional boundaries to show what is okay.
Reach out to trusted friends or family for support.
Spend time with people who make you feel good.
Moving On
You do not have to accept the silent treatment. If the narcissist will not talk, focus on your own needs. Spend time with supportive people. Remember, you deserve respect and kindness. Moving forward may mean letting go of the hope that the narcissist will change.
Coping Strategy | How It Helps You |
|---|---|
Positive Attitude | Keeps your mood steady |
Healthy Boundaries | Protects your emotions |
Support System | Gives you strength and advice |
Focus on Positivity | Reminds you of your value |
Tip: The silent treatment says more about the narcissist’s need for control than about your worth. You have the right to peace and respect.
7. Triangulation
Triangulation is one of the most confusing tricks in the 9 things narcissists do when they lose control over you. When a narcissist feels less powerful, they often bring another person into your relationship. This makes you feel jealous and worried.
You might think you have to fight for their attention. You may feel like you need to prove yourself. Triangulation keeps you guessing and unsure about your place.
Pitting Others
Narcissists use triangulation to stay in control. They want you to feel confused and not sure of yourself. Here are some ways they do this:
Comparisons
You might hear the narcissist compare you with someone else. They could say, “Why aren’t you more like them?” or “They get me better.” These words make you doubt yourself. You may start to feel less important or not good enough.
Spreading Misinformation
Narcissists often change facts or tell only part of the story. They might tell one person one thing and you something else. This makes it hard to know what is true. You may learn later that the narcissist lied about what you said or did. This can hurt your friendships with others.
Creating Rivalry
Sometimes, the narcissist tries to make you compete with another person. They may give more attention to someone else when you are there. You might feel jealous or left out. This rivalry makes you focus on getting the narcissist’s approval instead of seeing what is really happening.
Triangulation is a way narcissists make you feel jealous and unsure by bringing in a third person. This keeps you hooked and easier for them to control.
Breaking the Cycle
You can stop triangulation by taking clear steps. These actions help you feel stronger and protect your friendships.
Direct Communication
Talk straight to the people involved. If you hear a rumor or feel mixed up, ask the person yourself. Clear up problems before they get bigger. Talking directly helps stop the narcissist from twisting your words.
Boundaries
Set strong rules for what you will accept. If the narcissist tries to pull you into drama, step away. You do not have to join in or pick sides. Protect your peace by saying no to unhealthy talks.
Avoiding Drama
Stay calm when you hear gossip or see rivalry. Do not talk about one person to another. This keeps you out of the drama. Ask trusted friends, family, or counselors for help. Therapy can help you understand your feelings and learn new ways to set rules.
Stay in control of yourself
Get help from people you trust
Check facts before you act
Handle rumors calmly
Speak up in a kind way
Leave unhealthy talks
Build direct talk and respect
Remember, you can break free from triangulation. Focus on your own health and trust yourself.
8. Hoovering
When you get away from a narcissist, you might think it is over. This trick tries to pull you back into their life. You might feel mixed up or even hopeful, but hoovering is a way to control you.
Pulling You Back
Narcissists use hoovering to get power again. They want you to come back to them. You might see different ways they try to get your attention.
Sudden Contact
You could get messages, calls, or emails out of nowhere. Sometimes, this happens after a long time with no contact.
Hoovering is when narcissists try to get old targets back after losing control. They use many tricks to pull you in, like too much affection, gifts, or playing with your feelings.
Narcissists often reach out when you do not expect it. They might use sweet words, compliments, or say sorry to get you to talk.
Fake Emergencies
You may hear about sudden problems or fake crises. The narcissist might say they need your help right now. These problems seem very important but are made up to make you answer fast. You might feel bad if you do not help.
Using Children
If you have kids together, the narcissist may use them to talk to you. They might say the kids miss you or need to see you. Sometimes, they use the kids to send messages or start drama.
Hoovering can happen months or years after you break up.
Narcissists might try to get you back at any time.
Resisting
You can keep yourself safe from hoovering. Knowing what to do helps you stay strong.
No Contact
Make clear rules. Block their phone, email, and social media. Do not answer messages, even if they seem nice. No contact works best to stop hoovering.
Set and keep your limits: Tell them your rules and stick to them.
No contact and block all ways to talk: Do not let them reach you.
Get help from people you trust: Build a group to help you keep your rules.
Emotional Detachment
Remind yourself why you left before. Think about your own feelings and needs. Do not let guilt or nice words change your mind. Remember, promises to change do not last.
Charm and flattery: Narcissists might use nice words to get you back.
Guilt-tripping: They might make you feel bad for leaving.
Promise of change: They often say they will change but do not.
Support Systems
Talk to friends, family, or a counselor. Tell them what is happening and ask for help. Support groups help you stay strong and remind you of your worth. You do not have to deal with hoovering by yourself.
Tip: Trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is. Keep yourself safe and keep moving forward.
9. Projection & Criticism
When a narcissist loses control, they often blame and criticize others. You might feel like you are being blamed for things you did not do. This can make you feel judged or attacked. Knowing about these tricks can help you protect your self-esteem. It also helps you see what is really going on.
Blame Shifting
Narcissists blame others so they do not have to face their own problems. They might say you did something wrong when it was really them. This helps them avoid taking responsibility and keeps their self-image safe.
Accusing You
You may hear things like, “You made me do it,” or “If you didn’t act that way, this wouldn’t happen.” These words put their mistakes on you. Narcissists often push their bad feelings onto others. This helps them avoid looking at themselves. It also helps them feel better when they are upset.
Criticism
Narcissists often point out your mistakes to feel better about themselves. They might make small problems seem big or say you always mess up. This can feel unfair and never-ending. By focusing on your faults, they do not have to look at their own. You might feel confused or want to defend yourself.
Arrogance
You may notice they act like they are better than you. Narcissists might say, “I know more,” or “You never get it right.” They do not care about your feelings. This makes them feel important and in charge.
Tip: If you feel blamed for things that are not your fault, stop and think. Ask yourself if blame shifting is happening.
Handling Projection
You can protect yourself from projection and criticism. These steps help you stay strong and sure of yourself.
Recognizing Patterns
Look for patterns in their behavior. Narcissists use projection to hide their own problems. They might call you insecure if they feel that way. This helps them avoid facing their own flaws.
Projection helps narcissists avoid blame and criticism.
They use it to keep feeling special, especially when they feel weak.
This happens a lot in close relationships with strong feelings.
Not Internalizing
Remember, their words show their own problems, not yours. Do not take the blame for things you did not do. Focus on your own feelings and what really happened. If you feel mixed up or upset, take a break and breathe.
Do not let them change the subject; stay on track.
Bring the talk back to what you wanted to discuss.
Ask questions to see if blame shifting keeps happening.
Self-Validation
Trust what you know is true. Write down what happens so you can see if there is a pattern. Talk to friends, family, or a counselor for help. Building your confidence makes it easier to handle projection and criticism.
Keep notes about blame shifting to help you see clearly.
Get support from people you trust.
Work on feeling good about yourself and your worth.
You might face projection and criticism when a narcissist loses control. By seeing these tricks and using healthy ways to cope, you can protect yourself and feel more confident.
10. Secretive Manipulation
When a narcissist feels they are losing control, they may start using secretive manipulation. You might not notice these tricks right away, but they can change how you feel and act. This is one of the sneakiest things in the 9 things narcissists do when they lose control over you.
Hidden Tactics
Behind-the-Scenes Moves
Narcissists often try to control things quietly. They might talk about you to others without you knowing. Sometimes, they set up situations to make you look bad. You may see people treat you differently and not know why. These actions happen in secret, so they are hard to notice.
Using Others as Pawns
You might see the narcissist get friends, family, or coworkers to help them. They could tell only part of the truth or change facts to get people on their side. This can make you feel alone or like no one understands you. Sometimes, people you trust help the narcissist without knowing it.
Concealing Motives
Narcissists usually hide what they really want. They may act nice or helpful, but have other plans. You might feel mixed up because they seem caring. Really, they want to get control back or look good to others.
Tip: If someone’s actions do not match their words, pay attention. Secretive manipulation can hide behind a smile or kind words.
Some common secretive manipulation tricks are:
Emotional manipulation: Making you feel like their feelings are your fault.
Gaslighting: Making you question what is real.
Creating diversions: Making you focus on your mistakes instead.
Narcissists might also:
Pick people who already feel unsure about themselves.
Make others feel special to gain their trust.
Use shock or guilt to make you do what they want.
Staying Aware
Spotting Manipulation
You can spot these tricks by looking for patterns. If you keep feeling confused or there is always drama, stop and think. Ask yourself if someone is trying to control your feelings or actions.
Protecting Information
Keep your private details safe. Only tell important things to people you trust. Change your passwords often and watch if someone uses your words against you.
Trusting Instincts
Your gut feelings can help you. If something feels wrong, listen to that feeling. Make clear rules and follow them. Try to stay calm and not get pulled into drama. Talk to friends or adults you trust if you need help.
Self-Protection Tips | How They Help You |
|---|---|
Trust your instincts | Helps you notice hidden danger |
Set clear boundaries | Stops others from pushing you |
Limit personal sharing | Keeps your secrets safe |
Seek support | Gives you help and advice |
Remember, when someone tries to manipulate you, it shows they feel weak inside. It does not mean you are not good enough. Staying calm and having strong rules helps you keep control.
11. Ungratefulness
When you deal with a narcissist, you might see ungrateful actions. Ungratefulness can look different each time. You may feel sad or puzzled when your kindness is ignored.
Expressing Disdain
Narcissists often act rude when they lose control. You might notice them acting cold or not caring. They want you to think your help does not matter.
Dismissing Your Efforts
You may spend time helping them. Instead of saying thanks, they ignore you. Sometimes, they act like you did nothing. This can make you wonder if you matter.
Highlighting Flaws
Narcissists like to point out mistakes. Even if you do something nice, they find what you did wrong. You might hear, “Anyone could do that,” or “You missed something.” This makes you feel less important.
Withholding Praise
You may see they almost never give compliments. When you do well, they say nothing. If you ask for feedback, they change the topic. Not giving praise makes you want their approval more.
Tip: If you feel ignored, remember this is a trick. Narcissists use ingratitude to keep control and make you doubt yourself.
Ungrateful Behaviors | How You Might Feel |
|---|---|
Dismissing your help | Unseen, undervalued |
Highlighting flaws | Insecure, frustrated |
Withholding praise | Unappreciated, confused |
Coping with Ingratitude
You can protect yourself from feeling hurt by ungrateful actions. These ideas help you stay strong and sure of yourself.
Self-Affirmation
Remind yourself you are important. Write down things you do well and good traits. You can say, “I tried my best,” or “My work matters.” Self-affirmation helps you feel good, even if others do not notice.
Setting Limits
Make clear rules with the narcissist. Decide what actions you will accept. If they ignore your help, you can say, “I want respect for my work.” Boundaries help you keep your self-esteem safe.
Seeking Support
Talk to friends, family, or a counselor. Share your feelings with people who care. Support from others helps you remember you are valued. You do not have to face ingratitude alone.
Coping Strategy | Benefit |
|---|---|
Self-affirmation | Builds confidence |
Setting limits | Protects self-esteem |
Seeking support | Provides comfort and advice |
You may see ungratefulness more in overt narcissists, who are openly critical. Covert narcissists might use silence or quiet insults. Both types can make you feel invisible. By using these coping skills, you take back your power and protect your feelings.
Remember, your worth does not depend on someone else’s praise. You deserve respect and kindness every day.
Why Narcissists Act This Way
Psychology
Narcissistic Injury
When a narcissist loses control, they react strongly. They feel their self-image is in danger. This makes them act in ways to protect themselves. Narcissists often deny problems or blame others.
Sometimes, they bring in a third person to cause drama. These tricks help them avoid looking at their own mistakes. You might see them talk over people or change the story. Their weak self-esteem makes them want respect and praise. If you set rules, they might act out to feel important again.
Fear of Abandonment
Narcissists are scared of being left out or ignored. This fear makes them do things to keep you close. You might notice them use guilt or suddenly act loving. They do not want to feel alone. Studies show people with these traits want power, especially when things feel unsure. Sometimes, they believe strange ideas to feel strong again.
Control Needs
Narcissists need to feel in charge. They use tricks to keep control. You might see them lie, ignore you, or spread rumors. These actions help them feel safe and special. When they lose control, they act even stronger. They want to get their power back and not feel weak.
Tip: If you see these actions, remember it is about their needs, not your value.
What It Means for You
Not Your Fault
You might feel blamed or picked on. But their actions are not your fault. Narcissists put their feelings on others. They use mean words to protect themselves. You did not cause their behavior. Knowing this helps you feel better about yourself.
Importance of Boundaries
Setting rules keeps you safe. Clear limits stop bad behavior. You can say no to things that hurt you. Rules remind you that you should be treated well. When you keep your rules, you take back your life.
Boundary Example | How It Helps You |
|---|---|
Saying “No” | Stops unwanted behavior |
Limiting contact | Reduces stress |
Seeking support | Builds confidence |
Recovery Steps
Getting better starts with caring for yourself. Pay attention to your feelings and needs. Talk to friends or a counselor you trust. Write down what happens to spot patterns. Tell yourself good things every day. Healing takes time, but each step makes you stronger.
Common Misconceptions About Narcissists Losing Control
Myth | Fact |
|---|---|
Narcissists act out because they hate you | Their actions come from fear and insecurity, not personal hatred |
You can change a narcissist by loving them more | Change must come from within; your love cannot fix their behavior |
Only overt narcissists act out | Covert narcissists use silent tactics like withdrawal and passive aggression |
Narcissists never feel shame | They often feel deep shame, which drives their defensive actions |
Note: New research shows both types of narcissists use these tricks to protect how they see themselves. Experts agree that setting rules and getting help are important for healing.
Conclusion
You now know the 9 things narcissists do when they lose control over you. These behaviors—like smear campaigns, gaslighting, and silent treatment—can leave you feeling confused and alone. Each tactic aims to regain power and keep you off balance.
Recognizing these patterns helps you protect your self-esteem and set healthy boundaries. When you spot these signs, you can take steps to stay safe and regain your confidence. Remember, you deserve respect and support as you move forward.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What are the first signs a narcissist is losing control over you?
You might see quick mood changes or get ignored. Sometimes, they blame you for things. They may try to make you feel bad or spread stories about you. These signs mean they feel scared because you are acting on your own.
How can you protect yourself from narcissistic smear campaigns?
Stay calm and keep records of what happens. Save texts and emails as proof. Only talk about your side with people you trust. Do not reply in public, because that can make things worse.
Why do narcissists use the silent treatment?
Narcissists use silence to punish and control you. They want you to feel worried and want their attention. This trick helps them avoid taking blame for what they do.
Is it normal to feel confused after breaking free from a narcissist?
Yes, feeling mixed up is normal. Narcissists change what is real and make you doubt yourself. Give yourself time to heal and trust your feelings again.
What should you do if a narcissist tries to contact you after no contact?
Block their phone and social media. Do not answer, even if they say they will change. Keep your peace by sticking to your rules.