Last updated on April 17th, 2025 at 06:38 am
Trying to please a covert narcissist can feel like an endless, exhausting pursuit. Please a covert narcissist, and just when you think you’ve satisfied their expectations, they move the goalposts, leaving you doubting yourself and wondering what went wrong.
Their relentless need for validation and manipulative behaviors create a draining cycle that takes a toll on your emotional well-being. Have you ever felt like no matter how much you give, it’s never enough to please a covert narcissist? You’re not alone.
Research indicates that narcissistic traits, including those of a covert narcissist, significantly contribute to emotional exhaustion, with one study revealing it accounted for 7.3% of such cases among 723 participants. This underscores the profound impact these relationships can have on your mental health.
Key Takeaways
Making a covert narcissist happy is almost impossible. They always want more attention.
Their wants keep changing, so it’s hard to please them.
Covert narcissists don’t show real care, leaving you feeling ignored.
Spotting their tricks, like lying or blaming you, helps protect your mind.
Setting clear rules is key to keeping your feelings safe with them.
Don’t let your value depend on their opinion; focus on yourself.
Why Attempting To Please A Covert Narcissist Always Fails
The Insatiable Need For External Validation And Narcissistic Supply
Validation-Seeking Patterns That Never Get Fulfilled
Have you ever felt like no matter how much you try, it’s impossible to satisfy a covert narcissist? That’s because their need for validation is like a bucket with a hole—it can never be filled. Covert narcissists rely heavily on external validation to prop up their fragile self-esteem. They crave constant reassurance about their worth, but even when you give it, it’s never enough.
They interpret everyday interactions as opportunities to seek validation. A simple compliment or acknowledgment might seem sufficient, but for them, it’s just the beginning.
Covert narcissists often provoke emotional reactions—positive or negative—to feel in control. Even your frustration or sadness can serve as validation for them.
When validation diminishes, they may lash out or withdraw emotionally, leaving you feeling confused and inadequate.
This endless cycle can leave you emotionally drained. You might wonder, “What more can I do?” The truth is, their need for validation isn’t about you—it’s about their internal void.
Why External Praise Always Falls Short For Them
You might think that showering a covert narcissist with praise would make them happy. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. While they may initially soak up your compliments, the effect is fleeting. Why? Because their self-worth depends on constant external reinforcement, and they struggle to internalize positive feedback.
Why Praise Falls Short | Explanation |
|---|---|
They lack a stable sense of self. | Compliments don’t stick because they don’t believe in their own worth. |
They fear genuine intimacy. | Praise can make them feel vulnerable, leading them to push you away. |
They seek perfection. | Your praise might not align with their unrealistic self-image, so they dismiss it. |
In my experience working with clients, I’ve seen how this dynamic plays out. You could give a covert narcissist the world, but they’d still find a reason to feel dissatisfied.
Unrealistic And Constantly Shifting Expectations
The Moving Goalposts Phenomenon
Trying to please a covert narcissist often feels like playing a game where the rules keep changing. Just when you think you’ve met their expectations, they raise the bar or shift the goalposts. This behavior stems from their deep-seated insecurity and need to maintain control in relationships.
They might praise you one day for doing something “right” and criticize you the next for the same action.
Their expectations are often vague or contradictory, making it impossible to know what they truly want.
This unpredictability keeps you on edge, constantly trying to anticipate their needs.
Research shows that covert narcissists often exhibit a mix of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. This means they crave closeness but fear it at the same time, leading to their erratic behavior.
The Deliberate Vagueness Of Their Requirements
Have you ever asked a covert narcissist what they want, only to get a vague or evasive answer? This isn’t accidental. By keeping their expectations unclear, they maintain control and ensure you’re always guessing. This tactic also allows them to blame you when things go wrong, even if you’ve done your best to meet their needs.
They might say things like, “You should’ve known what I wanted,” or “I shouldn’t have to tell you.”
This creates a no-win situation where you’re always at fault, no matter what you do.
Over time, this can erode your confidence and make you question your own judgment.
The Psychological Mechanics Behind A Covert Narcissist’s Perpetual Dissatisfaction
The Emotional Void That Cannot Be Filled
The Absence Of Genuine Emotional Reciprocity
Have you ever felt like your emotional efforts in a relationship with a covert narcissist go unnoticed? That’s because they struggle with genuine emotional reciprocity. Covert narcissists often appear self-absorbed, not because they don’t care, but because their intense self-focus leaves little room for others. They may seem empathetic at times, but this is often superficial or self-serving.
Studies show that covert narcissism is negatively associated with empathy. This means they’re so consumed by their own insecurities and self-consciousness that they fail to truly connect with others. For example:
Findings | Description |
|---|---|
Covert narcissists focus on their own worries, ignoring others’ perspectives. | |
Higher Personal Distress and Fantasy scores | Their vulnerability and fearfulness prevent genuine emotional give-and-take. |
How Childhood Emotional Neglect Creates Their Inner Emptiness
The roots of a covert narcissist’s emotional void often trace back to childhood. Many covert narcissists experienced emotional neglect during their formative years. They may have grown up in environments where their feelings were dismissed or where they were only valued for their achievements. Over time, this creates a deep sense of emptiness.
Psychological research highlights three key aspects of this emotional void:
Aspect of Emotional Void | Description |
|---|---|
True Self Dysfunction | Their authentic self is repressed, leaving them feeling hollow. |
Dependency on External Validation | They rely on others to feel worthy, as they lack internal self-sufficiency. |
Experience of Life | They often feel detached, as if their life belongs to someone else. |
This inner emptiness drives their constant need for validation. No matter how much you try to please a covert narcissist, it’s like trying to fill a bucket with a hole—it’s never enough.
The Role Of Splitting In Their Perception Of Others
Black-And-White Thinking When Evaluating Your Efforts
Covert narcissists often view the world in extremes. You’re either perfect or a failure in their eyes—there’s no middle ground. This psychological mechanism, known as splitting, helps them cope with their internal insecurities. However, it also makes it impossible to meet their expectations consistently.
For instance, they might praise you one day for being supportive, only to criticize you the next for not doing enough. This black-and-white thinking creates a rollercoaster dynamic in relationships. You’re left constantly guessing, “What did I do wrong this time?”
As Dr. Craig Malkin explains, covert narcissists often gain intellectual insight into their behavior but fail to emotionally integrate it. He describes this as “therapeutic splitting,” where they can discuss their patterns in therapy but continue them outside of it.
“Intellectual insight without emotional integration allows individuals to discuss their patterns while continuing to engage in them.” – Dr. Craig Malkin
How Your Success Actually Triggers Their Insecurity
Surprisingly, your achievements can make a covert narcissist feel threatened. While they might initially celebrate your success, it often triggers their deep-seated insecurities. They may feel overshadowed or fear that your accomplishments highlight their own perceived inadequacies.
This insecurity can manifest in subtle ways. They might downplay your success, shift the focus back to themselves, or even criticize you under the guise of “helpful advice.” Over time, this behavior can erode your confidence and make you question your worth.
So, why does this happen? Covert narcissists rely on external validation to feel secure. When you succeed, it disrupts the balance of power in the relationship, leaving them feeling vulnerable. This is why trying to please a covert narcissist often feels like a losing battle.
The Cyclical Nature Of Trying To Please A Covert Narcissist
The Inevitable Shift From Idealization To Disappointment
The Initial Golden Period And Its Psychological Purpose
At the start of a relationship with a covert narcissist, everything feels perfect. They shower you with attention, praise, and affection. This phase, often called the “golden period,” serves a purpose—it hooks you emotionally. You feel seen, valued, and maybe even cherished. But this idealization isn’t about you; it’s about them. They’re crafting an image of you that aligns with their needs and fantasies.
During this time, you might think, “Finally, someone who truly understands me.” But this phase is a psychological setup. It’s designed to make you invest deeply in the relationship. Studies exploring covert psychological abuse reveal how this initial idealization creates a sense of security, only to later amplify feelings of betrayal. Participants in these studies often described this phase as intoxicating but ultimately disorienting.
The golden period feels like a dream come true.
It builds emotional dependency, making it harder to leave later.
It’s not about who you are but how you fit into their narrative.
Why Devaluation Always Follows Despite Your Best Efforts
Once the golden period fades, disappointment sets in. No matter how hard you try to please a covert narcissist, they begin to find faults. This shift isn’t because you’ve changed—it’s because their unrealistic expectations were never sustainable. They start to devalue you, subtly or overtly, to regain control and protect their fragile self-esteem.
You might hear comments like, “You used to be so thoughtful,” or “Why can’t you do things right anymore?” These remarks chip away at your confidence.
Research highlights how covert narcissists use manipulative dynamics to maintain power, leaving you feeling inadequate and confused. The cycle of idealization and devaluation keeps you trapped, constantly striving for the approval you once had.
Cognitive Dissonance And Self-Doubt In The Relationship
The Confusion Between Their Words And Actions
Covert narcissists are masters of mixed signals. They say one thing but do another, leaving you questioning your reality. For example, they might promise to support you but then criticize your decisions. This inconsistency creates cognitive dissonance—a mental tug-of-war between what you believe and what you experience.
You might think, “They said they care, so why do I feel so unsupported?” This confusion isn’t accidental. It’s a tactic to keep you off balance. Psychological evidence shows that this contradiction undermines your trust in your own perceptions, making you more reliant on their approval.
How They Subtly Undermine Your Reality Perception
Over time, covert narcissists erode your sense of self. They use subtle comments or actions to make you doubt your feelings and memories. For instance, they might deny ever saying something hurtful, even when you’re sure they did. This form of gaslighting amplifies your self-doubt and keeps you questioning your reality.
They might say, “You’re too sensitive,” when you express hurt.
They deny past promises, making you feel forgetful or irrational.
They create no-win scenarios, where every choice feels wrong.
Manipulation Tactics When You Attempt To Please A Covert Narcissist
Passive-Aggressive Control Mechanisms
Silent Treatment And Emotional Withdrawal As Punishment
Have you ever been met with complete silence after trying to address an issue with someone? Covert narcissists often use the silent treatment as a way to punish and control. Instead of openly discussing their feelings, they withdraw emotionally, leaving you in a state of confusion and discomfort. This tactic forces you to second-guess yourself, wondering what you did wrong and how to fix it.
For example, if you confront them about a hurtful comment, they might stop responding altogether. Days could pass without a word, and when they finally speak, it’s often to shift the blame onto you.
This behavior isn’t just frustrating—it’s emotionally draining. Studies show that passive-aggressive behaviors, like the silent treatment, are dysfunctional coping mechanisms for negative emotions. Covert narcissists use them to maintain control while avoiding direct confrontation.
Subtle Criticism And Blame-Shifting Patterns
Covert narcissists rarely criticize outright. Instead, they use subtle remarks that seem harmless but cut deep. These backhanded compliments might sound like, “You’re surprisingly good at that for someone your age.” While it appears positive, it carries an underlying jab that undermines your confidence.
Blame-shifting is another common tactic. If you express hurt or frustration, they might say, “I was just trying to help, but I guess I can’t do anything right in your eyes.” This manipulates you into feeling guilty, even when you’ve done nothing wrong. Over time, these patterns can make you question your own perceptions and feel like you’re always at fault.
Key behaviors to watch for:
Comments that seem supportive but have a critical undertone.
Shifting responsibility for their actions onto you.
Making you feel guilty for expressing your needs or boundaries.
Gaslighting And Reality Distortion Techniques
Making You Question Your Own Perceptions And Memories
Gaslighting is one of the most insidious tactics covert narcissists use. They distort reality to make you doubt your own perceptions and memories. For instance, they might deny ever making a promise, even when you clearly remember the conversation. This creates a sense of confusion and self-doubt, leaving you reliant on their version of events.
Imagine this: You remind them of a commitment they made, and they respond with, “I never said that. You must be imagining things.” Over time, this constant denial erodes your trust in yourself. Research highlights how covert narcissists use tactics like ambiguous language and selective vocabulary to create confusion and maintain control.
Gaslighting Techniques | Description |
|---|---|
Ambiguous Language | Using vague terms to make you question your understanding. |
Selective Vocabulary | Choosing words that distort your perception of reality. |
Indirect Communication | Avoiding direct statements to obscure their true intentions. |
The Creation Of Double Binds And No-Win Scenarios
Covert narcissists are experts at creating double binds—situations where no matter what you do, you’re wrong. For example, they might say, “You never spend time with me,” but when you make an effort, they criticize how you do it. These no-win scenarios keep you trapped in a cycle of trying to please them, only to face constant disappointment.
This tactic serves two purposes. First, it reinforces their control by making you feel inadequate. Second, it shifts the focus away from their behavior and onto your perceived shortcomings. As a result, you’re left feeling stuck, unsure of how to move forward.
The Power Dynamics In Pleasing A Covert Narcissist
Strategic Martyrdom And Victimhood As Manipulation Tools
How Playing The Victim Secures Their Narcissistic Supply
Covert narcissists often position themselves as perpetual victims. They recount stories of being wronged, misunderstood, or unappreciated. This isn’t just a coincidence—it’s a calculated move to secure their narcissistic supply.
By portraying themselves as martyrs, they elicit sympathy and emotional investment from those around them. You might find yourself constantly trying to comfort or support them, even when their struggles seem exaggerated or self-inflicted.
The core problem in narcissistic relationships is that they prioritize power and sacrifice the relationship to get it, while their partners prioritize the relationship and sacrifice themselves to keep it. Narcissists put themselves first, and so do their partners. Due to their insecurities, they constantly scan their environments and monitor their interactions to see who’s on top, and they use impression management, manipulation, and abuse to ensure they are.
This dynamic creates an imbalance. You might sacrifice your own needs to please them, but they rarely reciprocate. Over time, this can leave you feeling drained and resentful. Their victimhood isn’t about seeking resolution—it’s about maintaining control and keeping you emotionally tethered.
The Contrast Between Their Public Virtue And Private Behavior
In public, covert narcissists often appear virtuous and selfless. They might volunteer, help a neighbor, or offer kind words to a stranger. But behind closed doors, their behavior tells a different story. They may criticize, manipulate, or withdraw emotionally, leaving you to wonder if you’re imagining the disparity.
This contrast serves a purpose. By maintaining a positive public image, they protect themselves from scrutiny and make it harder for others to believe your experiences. If you try to confront them, they might say, “Everyone else thinks I’m a good person. Why don’t you?” This tactic isolates you and makes you question your reality.
Exploiting Your Empathy And Goodwill
How Your Compassion Becomes Their Weapon
If you’re naturally empathetic, you might feel drawn to help a covert narcissist. They know this and use it to their advantage. Subtle comments like, “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” or “You’re the only one who understands me,” can make you feel responsible for their happiness. This creates an emotional debt that’s hard to repay.
They target empathetic individuals because they’re more likely to forgive and overlook manipulative behavior.
Emotional displays, like tears or frustration, are often calculated to achieve specific outcomes rather than being genuine expressions.
The findings from the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin suggest that covert narcissists use their emotional intelligence strategically. They manipulate others not because they lack empathy but because they choose to exploit it. This calculated approach makes their tactics even more damaging.
The Cycle Of Guilt And Obligation They Create
Covert narcissists excel at making you feel guilty. They might say things like, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” or “I guess I’m just not important to you.” These statements create a sense of obligation, making you feel like you owe them something.
This cycle of guilt and obligation keeps you trapped. You might find yourself constantly trying to make up for perceived shortcomings, even when you’ve done nothing wrong. Over time, this erodes your confidence and makes it harder to set boundaries.
Key signs of this cycle:
You feel like you’re always apologizing, even when you’re not at fault.
You prioritize their needs over your own, fearing their disappointment.
You struggle to say no, even when their demands are unreasonable.
The Emotional Toll Of Constantly Pleasing A Covert Narcissist
Emotional Exhaustion And Burnout
The Constant Hypervigilance And Walking On Eggshells
Living with a covert narcissist often feels like walking through a minefield. You’re constantly on edge, trying to predict their mood or anticipate their needs. This hypervigilance can leave you emotionally drained. You might find yourself replaying conversations in your head, wondering if you said the wrong thing or if they’ll suddenly withdraw their affection.
This constant state of alertness isn’t just exhausting—it’s harmful to your mental health. Studies show that prolonged hypervigilance can lead to anxiety, sleep disturbances, and even physical symptoms like headaches or fatigue. You might feel like you’re always bracing for the next emotional blow, which makes it nearly impossible to relax or feel secure in the relationship.
The Drain From One-Sided Emotional Labor
When you’re trying to please a covert narcissist, the emotional labor often falls entirely on you. You’re the one soothing their insecurities, managing their moods, and making sacrifices to keep the peace. Over time, this imbalance takes a toll. You might notice that your own needs and feelings are pushed aside, leaving you feeling invisible.
Imagine pouring all your energy into a relationship where nothing you do is ever enough. That’s what it’s like. The emotional labor becomes a full-time job, and the reward? More criticism or shifting expectations. This dynamic can leave you feeling depleted, as if you’re running on empty with no time to recharge.
The Erosion Of Self-Esteem And Identity
How Their Criticism And Devaluation Destroys Confidence
Covert narcissists have a way of chipping away at your confidence without you even realizing it. Their subtle criticisms and backhanded compliments can make you question your abilities and worth. For example, they might say, “You’re good at that, but don’t get too confident,” or, “I guess that’s the best you can do.” These comments seem minor at first, but over time, they add up.
This constant devaluation creates a cycle of self-doubt. You start to believe their narrative—that you’re not good enough or that your efforts will never measure up. Research highlights how covert narcissists use shame and subtle criticism to undermine self-worth, making you more dependent on their approval.
Evidence Description | Explanation |
|---|---|
Creates confusion and gradually erodes your self-concept. | |
Feelings of walking on eggshells and indebtedness | Trauma bonds form, making it hard to maintain your independent identity. |
Induction of shame | Undermines self-worth and increases compliance. |
Subtle criticism and questioning of capabilities | Leads to dependency on the narcissist for validation. |
Indirect dominance methods | Maintains plausible deniability while manipulating relationship dynamics. |
The Gradual Loss Of Personal Boundaries And Values
Over time, you might notice that your personal boundaries start to blur. You give in to their demands, even when it goes against your values or priorities. Why? Because it feels easier than dealing with their disappointment or anger. This gradual erosion of boundaries can leave you feeling like you’ve lost yourself.
You might stop pursuing hobbies, spending time with friends, or even voicing your opinions. The covert narcissist’s needs take center stage, and your own identity fades into the background. This loss isn’t immediate—it happens slowly, almost imperceptibly, until one day you realize you don’t recognize yourself anymore.
Why You Can Only Temporarily Please A Covert Narcissist
The Double Standard Of Perfection Versus Exemption
How They Demand Flawlessness While Excusing Their Flaws
Have you ever felt like you’re held to impossible standards while the covert narcissist gets a free pass? This double standard is one of their most frustrating traits. They expect you to be flawless in everything you do—whether it’s meeting their emotional needs, handling responsibilities, or even anticipating their unspoken desires. Yet, when it comes to their own behavior, they always seem to have an excuse.
They dismiss criticism by claiming it’s invalid or rooted in jealousy.
They exaggerate their achievements to maintain a façade of perfection.
They externalize blame, making others responsible for their mistakes.
For example, if they forget an important date, they might say, “I’ve been so stressed lately; you should’ve reminded me.” But if you make a similar mistake, they’ll accuse you of being careless or unloving. This constant shifting of accountability leaves you feeling like you’re always falling short, no matter how hard you try.
Why Mind-Reading Becomes Your Perceived Responsibility
Covert narcissists often expect you to anticipate their needs without them having to say a word. They might claim, “You should know me well enough by now,” or “I shouldn’t have to spell everything out.” This expectation turns into an unwinnable game where you’re always guessing what they want.
This behavior isn’t just unfair—it’s emotionally exhausting. You might find yourself overanalyzing every interaction, trying to decode their moods or preferences. But no matter how much effort you put in, they’ll still find a way to make you feel like you’ve failed. This tactic keeps you on edge and reinforces their control in the relationship.
Why Their Satisfaction Is Always Fleeting
Their Fear Of Genuine Intimacy And Vulnerability
At first glance, it might seem like covert narcissists crave connection. They often talk about wanting deep, meaningful relationships. But when you get closer, you’ll notice they start to pull away. Why? Because genuine intimacy requires vulnerability, and that terrifies them.
Covert narcissists fear that opening up will expose their insecurities or flaws. Instead of embracing closeness, they create emotional distance. They might criticize you, withdraw affection, or even start arguments to push you away. This cycle ensures that their emotional walls stay intact, even at the cost of the relationship.
The Protective Function Of Their Perpetual Dissatisfaction
Their constant dissatisfaction isn’t just a personality quirk—it serves a purpose. By never being fully satisfied, covert narcissists protect themselves from feeling vulnerable or dependent on others. If they admit they’re happy or content, it might feel like they’re giving up control.
This perpetual dissatisfaction also keeps you in a state of emotional limbo. You’re always striving to meet their expectations, hoping for a moment of approval that never truly comes. It’s a way for them to maintain power while keeping you emotionally invested.
Conclusion
Trying to please a covert narcissist is like chasing a mirage—it’s an impossible goal. Their insatiable need for validation and manipulative tendencies make satisfaction fleeting at best. You might find yourself bending over backward to meet their shifting expectations, only to feel emotionally drained and doubting your worth.
Instead of focusing on how to please a covert narcissist, shift your energy toward understanding their behavior and setting healthy boundaries. As Dr. Albers emphasizes, boundaries are essential for protecting your emotional well-being.
Therapy can also provide tools to navigate these relationships and rebuild your confidence. Remember, your mental health matters most. You deserve relationships that uplift you, not ones that leave you feeling empty.
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Co-Parenting With A Narcissist
Frequently Asked Questions
What makes covert narcissists different from overt narcissists?
Covert narcissists are more subtle. They appear shy or vulnerable but still crave admiration. Unlike overt narcissists, who openly seek attention, covert narcissists manipulate through guilt, passive-aggressiveness, or playing the victim. Research from 2015 highlights their tendency to mask their insecurities behind a façade of humility.
Can covert narcissists ever change?
Change is rare but possible with therapy. They must recognize their behavior and commit to self-reflection. Studies, like those by Dr. Craig Malkin (2014), show that narcissists can improve with consistent therapeutic intervention, though progress is slow and requires genuine effort.
Why do covert narcissists seem empathetic at first?
It’s often a tactic to gain your trust. Covert narcissists use superficial empathy to draw you in. A 2020 study found they mimic emotional responses to appear caring, but their actions usually serve their own interests rather than genuine concern for others.
How can you protect yourself in a relationship with a covert narcissist?
Set firm boundaries. Don’t let guilt or manipulation sway you. Focus on your needs and seek support from friends or a therapist. As a therapist, I’ve seen clients regain confidence by prioritizing their mental health and refusing to engage in their partner’s emotional games.
Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with a covert narcissist?
It’s challenging. Covert narcissists often resist accountability, making mutual respect difficult. Relationships can improve if they commit to therapy, but you shouldn’t sacrifice your well-being waiting for change. Protect yourself first.
Why do covert narcissists criticize your success?
Your achievements threaten their fragile self-esteem. A 2018 study revealed that covert narcissists feel overshadowed by others’ success, triggering insecurity. They may downplay your accomplishments or subtly sabotage your confidence to regain control.
How can you recognize covert narcissistic behavior early?
Look for patterns like passive-aggressiveness, vague expectations, or excessive self-pity. Pay attention to how they react to criticism or your success. If their behavior leaves you feeling confused or inadequate, it’s a red flag.
Should you confront a covert narcissist about their behavior?
Confrontation rarely leads to change. They often deflect blame or use manipulation to avoid accountability. Instead, focus on setting boundaries and protecting your emotional health. Therapy can help you navigate these interactions effectively.