Last updated on September 2nd, 2024 at 11:21 am

• 1. They Charismatically Charm Then Coldly Discard
• 2. They Feel Entitled to Special Treatment
• 3. They Are Hypersensitive to Criticism
• 4. They Lack Empathy
• 5. They Are Passive Aggressive
• 6. They Play the Victim
• 7. They Hide Their Accomplishments
• 8. They Fish for Compliments
• 9. They Have Low Self-esteem
• 10. They Crave Validation
• 11. They Sabotage Others’ Success
• 12. They Exaggerate Their Problems
• 13. They Dislike Rules and Authority
• 14. They Emotionally Manipulate Others
• 15. They Withhold Affection
• 16. They Use Guilt Trips
• 17. They Avoid Conflict
• 18. They Spread Gossip and Rumors
• 19. They Give Unsolicited Advice
• 20. They Frequently Contradict Themselves
• 21. They Idealize Then Devalue Others
• 22. They Rarely Apologize Sincerely
• 23. They Judge and Criticize Others
• 24. They Act Superior But Are Insecure
• 25. They Overshare to Gain Sympathy
• 26. They Twist Facts to Protect Their Image
• 27. They Shift Blame to Avoid Responsibility
• 28. They Selectively Forget Hurtful Behavior
• 29. They Lack Object Constancy in Relationships
• 30. They Alternate Between Being Needy and Aloof
• 31. They Feel Entitled to Loyalty and Favors
• Conclusion

While the term “narcissism” might conjure images of ostentatious grandiosity, charismatic dominance, and a larger-than-life persona, there is a covert counterpart that operates in the shadows, evading immediate recognition. This enigmatic manifestation of narcissistic tendencies veils itself beneath a facade of humility, empathy, and subtlety, challenging our conventional understanding of narcissistic behavior.

As we embark on this journey to unravel the mysteries of covert narcissism, we find ourselves confronted with a profound question: How well do we truly understand the intricate layers of human behavior and personality? The answer to this question holds the key to unlocking deeper insights into our relationships, our emotional well-being, and our ability to navigate the complex social landscapes we inhabit.

Imagine, for a moment, encountering someone who appears genuinely caring, sensitive, and compassionate on the surface. They project an aura of modesty and humility, seemingly devoid of the egoistic traits typically associated with narcissism. Yet, beneath this seemingly benign exterior lies a complex web of manipulative behavior, subtle control, and an insatiable need for admiration. This is the realm of covert narcissism, a psychological phenomenon that challenges our conventional notions of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and forces us to reevaluate our understanding of human nature.

In a society where the spotlight often falls on the overt and flamboyant expressions of narcissism, the covert variant operates in a realm of inconspicuousness. Its signs are subtle whispers that evade immediate notice, often hidden within the fabric of everyday interactions. This subtlety is what makes covert narcissism an intriguing enigma and a subject of paramount importance for anyone seeking a deeper understanding of human nature.

As we delve deeper into the world of covert narcissism, we will uncover 31 subtle signs that you may have missed. These signs serve as breadcrumbs, leading us through the intricate maze of human behavior and shedding light on the hidden facets of narcissistic tendencies. By recognizing these signs, we equip ourselves with the tools to navigate our relationships more effectively, protect our emotional well-being, and foster healthier connections with those around us.

But before we embark on this illuminating journey, let us pause for a moment to reflect on the words of Shannon L. Alder, who eloquently captures the essence of narcissistic behavior:

“Narcissists are consumed with maintaining a shallow false self to others. They’re emotionally crippled souls that are addicted to attention. Because of this they use a multitude of games, in order to receive adoration. Sadly, they are the most ungodly of God’s creations because they don’t show remorse for their actions, take steps to make amends or have empathy for others. They are morally bankrupt.”

These powerful words serve as a stark reminder of the emotional toll that narcissistic behavior can exact on those who encounter it. As we proceed, keep this insight in mind, for it will help us navigate the intricate web of covert narcissism with greater clarity and understanding.

Now, let us embark on this transformative journey of discovery, as we peel back the layers of pretense and uncover the hidden faces of narcissism. Prepare to be challenged, enlightened, and empowered as we navigate the uncharted waters of human behavior and emerge with newfound wisdom and insight.

1. They Charismatically Charm Then Coldly Discard

One of the most insidious traits of covert narcissists is their ability to wield charm as a weapon. These individuals possess an uncanny talent for captivating others with their charisma, drawing them in like moths to a flame. Their charm is intoxicating, making those around them feel special, valued, and uniquely understood. However, this charm is merely a facade, a carefully crafted mask designed to manipulate and control.

The covert narcissist’s charm offensive is not born out of genuine interest or empathy. Instead, it is a calculated strategy aimed at achieving their own ends. They use their charisma to win people over, to gain their trust, and to position themselves in a favorable light. This charm can be so convincing that it often blinds others to the narcissist’s true nature, making it difficult to recognize the manipulation at play.

What makes this behavior particularly damaging is the stark contrast between the initial charm and the subsequent cold discard. Once the covert narcissist has achieved their goal or exhausted the usefulness of their target, they abruptly switch gears. The warmth and attentiveness that once characterized their interactions are replaced by coldness, indifference, or even outright hostility.

This sudden shift can be emotionally devastating for the person on the receiving end. Having been made to feel special and valued, they now find themselves unceremoniously cast aside. The emotional whiplash caused by this abrupt change can leave lasting scars, eroding self-esteem and trust in others.

It’s crucial to recognize that this pattern of behavior is not an isolated incident but a recurring cycle. Covert narcissists are adept at repeating this charm-and-discard routine with multiple individuals, often simultaneously. They may maintain a network of people they can charm and manipulate as needed, discarding and reconnecting with them at will.

The ability to switch between charm and coldness so seamlessly is a hallmark of the covert narcissist’s emotional manipulation toolkit. It allows them to maintain control over their relationships, keeping others off-balance and unsure of where they stand. This uncertainty often leads to increased efforts from the target to regain the narcissist’s approval, further feeding into the cycle of manipulation.

Understanding this pattern is crucial for identifying the red flags of narcissism in relationships. If you find yourself consistently charmed by someone who then inexplicably turns cold, it may be a sign that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist. Recognizing this behavior can help you protect yourself from the emotional rollercoaster that often accompanies relationships with such individuals.

2. They Feel Entitled to Special Treatment

Entitlement is a core characteristic of narcissistic behavior, and covert narcissists are no exception. However, their sense of entitlement often manifests in more subtle ways than their overt counterparts. Covert narcissists harbor a deep-seated belief that they deserve special treatment, even if they don’t openly demand it.

This sense of entitlement stems from their inflated self-image. Despite their outward appearance of humility, covert narcissists secretly believe they are superior to others. This belief fuels their expectation that the world should cater to their needs and desires, often at the expense of others.

One way this entitlement manifests is through their expectation of immediate gratification. Covert narcissists often become frustrated or irritated when their needs aren’t met promptly. They may react with passive-aggressive behavior or subtle manipulation tactics to express their displeasure.

Another aspect of their entitlement is the belief that rules don’t apply to them. Covert narcissists may frequently bend or break rules, justifying their actions with elaborate excuses or by downplaying the importance of the rules themselves. This behavior can be particularly frustrating in professional settings, where they may expect exceptions to be made for them while holding others to strict standards.

Covert narcissists also tend to expect others to prioritize their needs above all else. They may become resentful or withdraw emotionally if they feel they’re not receiving the attention or special treatment they believe they deserve. This expectation can strain relationships, as the narcissist’s demands often come at the cost of others’ well-being or needs.

It’s important to note that while covert narcissists feel entitled to special treatment, they may not always openly express this belief. Instead, they might drop subtle hints or manipulate situations to ensure they receive preferential treatment without directly asking for it. This indirect approach allows them to maintain their facade of humility while still satisfying their need for superiority.

The entitlement of covert narcissists can also manifest in their inability to accept criticism or feedback. They may react defensively or dismiss valid concerns, believing that their actions and decisions should be beyond reproach. This resistance to feedback can make it challenging to maintain healthy relationships or professional growth.

Recognizing this sense of entitlement is crucial for identifying covert narcissism. If you consistently find yourself bending over backward to accommodate someone’s unspoken expectations or feel pressured to prioritize their needs above all else, you may be dealing with a covert narcissist.

As Shannon L. Alder astutely observes:

“Narcissists will never tell you the truth. They live with the fear of abandonment and can’t deal with facing their own shame. Therefore, they will twist the truth, downplay their behavior, blame others and say whatever it takes to remain the victim. They are master manipulators and con artists that don’t believe you are smart enough to figure out the depth of their disloyalty. Their needs will always be more important than telling you any truth that isn’t in their favor.”

This quote underscores the complex web of manipulation and self-deception that underlies the covert narcissist’s sense of entitlement. By understanding this aspect of their behavior, we can better protect ourselves from their manipulative tactics and maintain healthier boundaries in our relationships.

3. They Are Hypersensitive to Criticism

One of the most telling signs of covert narcissism is an extreme sensitivity to criticism. While most people may feel uncomfortable when receiving negative feedback, covert narcissists experience criticism as a profound threat to their self-esteem and identity. This hypersensitivity can manifest in various ways, often catching others off guard with the intensity of their reactions.

Covert narcissists invest a great deal of energy in maintaining a carefully curated image of themselves. This image, which often portrays them as humble, competent, and morally superior, is incredibly fragile. Any criticism, no matter how mild or constructive, has the potential to shatter this delicate self-image, triggering intense emotional responses.

When faced with criticism, a covert narcissist may react in several ways:

1. Defensive anger: They may lash out verbally, attacking the source of the criticism or attempting to deflect attention away from themselves.
2. Withdrawal: Some covert narcissists may retreat into themselves, becoming sullen, silent, or emotionally distant as a way of punishing the critic.
3. Passive-aggressive behavior: They might engage in subtle acts of retaliation, such as sarcastic comments, “forgetting” important tasks, or spreading rumors.
4. Victim playing: Covert narcissists may try to flip the script, portraying themselves as the victim of unfair treatment or misunderstanding.
5. Gaslighting: In some cases, they may attempt to manipulate the situation by denying the validity of the criticism or questioning the critic’s perception of reality.

This hypersensitivity to criticism often stems from deep-seated insecurities and a fragile self-esteem. Despite their outward appearance of confidence, covert narcissists often struggle with intense feelings of inadequacy. Criticism, therefore, becomes not just a comment on their behavior or performance, but a direct attack on their worth as a person.

“So many abusers survivors feel they were loved so little, as if the abuser was the most important person to receive love from. They forget that God loves them deeply and that is the only person’s love they need to validate their worth.”
― Shannon L. Alder

The covert narcissist’s inability to handle criticism constructively can have significant impacts on their personal and professional relationships. In the workplace, it may hinder their ability to grow and improve, as they resist feedback that could help them develop their skills. In personal relationships, their hypersensitivity can create an atmosphere of walking on eggshells, where partners, friends, or family members feel unable to express their true feelings or concerns.

It’s important to note that this hypersensitivity to criticism is often accompanied by a harsh inner critic. Covert narcissists may be extremely self-critical, holding themselves to impossibly high standards. This internal criticism, however, does not translate into an ability to accept external feedback. Instead, it often fuels their defensive reactions, as they project their own self-criticism onto others.

Recognizing this hypersensitivity to criticism is crucial for identifying covert narcissism and protecting oneself from the emotional fallout it can create. If you find yourself constantly tiptoeing around someone’s feelings, unable to provide even the gentlest feedback without triggering an outsized reaction, you may be dealing with a covert narcissist.

Understanding this aspect of covert narcissism can help us navigate relationships more effectively, setting healthy boundaries and managing our own expectations. It also underscores the importance of self-reflection and emotional intelligence in our interactions with others, reminding us of the complex emotional landscapes we all navigate in our daily lives.

4. They Lack Empathy

At the heart of covert narcissism lies a profound deficit in empathy, a characteristic that sets narcissists apart from those with healthy emotional functioning. While covert narcissists may appear caring and sensitive on the surface, their ability to truly understand and share the feelings of others is severely limited.

“Playing the victim role: Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else’s behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.”
― George K. Simon

Empathy is the cornerstone of healthy relationships, allowing us to connect with others on a deep emotional level. It enables us to understand different perspectives, respond compassionately to others’ pain, and build strong, meaningful bonds. For covert narcissists, however, this crucial emotional capacity is either absent or significantly impaired.

The lack of empathy in covert narcissists manifests in several ways:

1. Inability to recognize others’ emotions: Covert narcissists often struggle to accurately identify and understand the emotional states of those around them. They may misinterpret emotional cues or dismiss others’ feelings as irrelevant or exaggerated.
2. Failure to respond appropriately to emotional situations: Even when they recognize that someone is upset or in pain, covert narcissists may respond in ways that are inappropriate or self-serving, rather than offering genuine comfort or support.
3. Using others’ emotions for personal gain: In some cases, covert narcissists may recognize others’ emotions but see them as opportunities for manipulation rather than chances for connection. They might exploit someone’s vulnerability for their own benefit.
4. Lack of emotional reciprocity: Covert narcissists often expect others to be highly attuned to their emotional needs while failing to reciprocate this emotional investment in their relationships.
5. Difficulty in perspective-taking: They struggle to put themselves in others’ shoes, often assuming that everyone thinks and feels the same way they do.

This lack of empathy can be particularly confusing and hurtful in close relationships. Covert narcissists may appear caring and attentive when it serves their purposes, leading others to believe they are empathetic. However, this superficial display of care often disappears when the narcissist no longer stands to gain from it.

“Maybe, the lesson we can all learn from the inner sadness of a Narcissist is to see through our own fabrications, our own illusions so that we can be set free to be real once more.”
― Shannon L. Alder

The impact of this empathy deficit can be far-reaching. In personal relationships, it can lead to a sense of emotional neglect and invalidation for those close to the covert narcissist. Friends, family members, and romantic partners may feel unheard, misunderstood, or emotionally abandoned, even as the narcissist professes to care about them.

In professional settings, the lack of empathy can manifest as an inability to work effectively in teams, difficulty in leadership roles that require emotional intelligence, or a tendency to prioritize personal gain over the well-being of colleagues or the organization as a whole.

It’s crucial to recognize that the covert narcissist’s lack of empathy is not a choice or a momentary lapse, but a fundamental aspect of their personality structure. This understanding can help us set realistic expectations in our interactions with them and protect ourselves from the emotional drain that often accompanies relationships with empathy-deficient individuals.

As we navigate relationships with covert narcissists, it’s important to remember that their lack of empathy does not reflect on our worth or the validity of our emotions. Recognizing this trait can empower us to seek emotional support and validation from healthier sources, rather than expecting it from someone incapable of providing it.

By understanding the empathy deficit in covert narcissism, we can better protect ourselves from narcissistic abuse and cultivate relationships that offer genuine emotional reciprocity and understanding.

5. They Are Passive Aggressive

Passive aggression is a hallmark of covert narcissism, serving as a subtle yet potent tool for manipulation and control. Unlike their more overtly aggressive counterparts, covert narcissists often express their anger, resentment, and disapproval through indirect means. This behavior allows them to maintain their facade of innocence while still exerting influence over others.

Passive-aggressive behavior in covert narcissists can take many forms:

1. Silent treatment: They may withdraw emotionally or physically, refusing to communicate as a way of punishing others or expressing displeasure.
2. Subtle insults or backhanded compliments: Covert narcissists might use words that seem innocent on the surface but carry a stinging undertone.
3. Procrastination or “forgetting” important tasks: They may deliberately delay or “forget” to do things they’ve agreed to, especially if it’s something they resent doing.
4. Sarcasm and veiled criticism: Their humor often has a biting edge, allowing them to express negative feelings under the guise of jokes.
5. Sabotage: They might subtly undermine others’ efforts or success, often in ways that are difficult to prove or confront.
6. Playing the victim: Covert narcissists may portray themselves as the wronged party, even when they are the ones causing harm.
7. Guilt-tripping: They use subtle cues to make others feel guilty for not meeting their unspoken expectations.

This passive-aggressive behavior serves several purposes for the covert narcissist. It allows them to express negative emotions without directly confronting issues, maintaining their image of being “nice” or “easygoing.” It also gives them plausible deniability; if confronted, they can easily deny any malicious intent, often gaslighting the other person into doubting their own perceptions.

“True and real friends don’t feel the need to be praised and worshipped.”
― Michael Bassey Johnson

Recognizing passive-aggressive behavior in covert narcissists is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and protecting one’s emotional well-being. It’s important to trust your instincts; if you consistently feel confused, frustrated, or emotionally drained after interactions with someone, you may be dealing with passive-aggressive behavior rooted in covert narcissism.

6. They Play the Victim

Playing the victim is a classic tactic employed by covert narcissists to manipulate others and avoid taking responsibility for their actions. This behavior is particularly insidious because it appeals to the empathy and compassion of those around them, effectively using others’ good nature against them.

Covert narcissists often portray themselves as perpetual victims of circumstance, bad luck, or the actions of others. They may:

1. Exaggerate or fabricate personal hardships to gain sympathy
2. Blame others for their failures or shortcomings
3. Minimize their own role in conflicts or problems
4. Use their “victim” status to justify harmful or selfish behavior

This victim mentality serves several purposes for the covert narcissist:

• It deflects blame and responsibility away from themselves
• It garners attention and sympathy from others
• It manipulates others into catering to their needs
• It provides a ready excuse for their own failures or shortcomings

Understanding the victim mentality of covert narcissists is crucial for protecting oneself from their manipulative tactics. It’s important to remember that while everyone experiences genuine hardships, a pattern of constant victimhood, especially when coupled with a refusal to take responsibility or make changes, is a red flag for covert narcissism.

7. They Hide Their Accomplishments

In a seemingly paradoxical twist, covert narcissists often downplay or hide their accomplishments. This behavior stands in stark contrast to the boastful nature of overt narcissists, but serves a similar purpose of feeding their ego and manipulating others’ perceptions.

By hiding their accomplishments, covert narcissists aim to:

1. Appear humble and modest
2. Elicit praise and admiration from others who “discover” their talents
3. Avoid direct comparison or competition with others
4. Create an air of mystery or intrigue around themselves

This false modesty is a clever manipulation tactic. It allows the covert narcissist to receive praise and admiration without appearing overtly narcissistic. It also sets the stage for them to be “discovered” by others, leading to an influx of attention and admiration that feels more genuine and unsolicited.

Recognizing this behavior can be challenging, as it often masquerades as genuine humility. However, if you notice someone consistently downplaying their abilities while still ensuring others are aware of their accomplishments, it may be a sign of covert narcissism.

8. They Fish for Compliments

While covert narcissists may hide their accomplishments, they simultaneously engage in subtle compliment-seeking behavior. This seemingly contradictory approach is another manifestation of their need for admiration and validation.

Covert narcissists may fish for compliments by:

1. Making self-deprecating comments in hopes of being contradicted
2. Subtly highlighting their achievements in conversation
3. Asking for opinions on their appearance or performance, expecting positive feedback
4. Comparing themselves unfavorably to others, anticipating reassurance

This behavior stems from their deep-seated insecurity and need for external validation. Unlike overt narcissists who directly demand praise, covert narcissists seek it in more subtle ways, maintaining their facade of humility.

Recognizing this pattern is important for maintaining healthy boundaries. Constant reassurance-seeking can be emotionally draining for those around the covert narcissist, creating an unhealthy dynamic in relationships.

9. They Have Low Self-esteem

Despite their grandiose self-image, covert narcissists often grapple with profoundly low self-esteem. This internal struggle forms the core of their narcissistic behaviors, driving their need for external validation and their hypersensitivity to criticism.

The low self-esteem of covert narcissists manifests in various ways:

1. Constant comparison to others
2. Perfectionism and fear of failure
3. Difficulty accepting compliments genuinely
4. Avoidance of situations where they might not excel
5. Intense self-criticism coupled with an inability to handle external criticism

This low self-esteem creates a constant internal conflict for the covert narcissist. They simultaneously believe in their own superiority while harboring deep feelings of inadequacy. This contradiction fuels many of their manipulative behaviors as they seek to maintain their fragile self-image.

Understanding this aspect of covert narcissism can help in recognizing and addressing narcissistic behaviors in relationships. It’s important to remember that while the covert narcissist’s low self-esteem may evoke sympathy, it doesn’t justify their manipulative or harmful behaviors.

10. They Crave Validation

The covert narcissist’s need for validation is insatiable. Unlike overt narcissists who demand admiration openly, covert narcissists seek validation in more subtle, persistent ways. This craving stems from their deep-seated insecurities and fragile self-esteem.

Covert narcissists may seek validation by:

1. Constantly seeking reassurance about their decisions or actions
2. Needing excessive praise for routine tasks or minor accomplishments
3. Becoming upset or withdrawn when they don’t receive the recognition they expect
4. Comparing themselves favorably to others and expecting agreement
5. Fishing for compliments or fishing for compliments indirectly

This constant need for validation can be exhausting for those in relationships with covert narcissists. It creates a dynamic where others feel responsible for maintaining the narcissist’s fragile ego, often at the expense of their own emotional needs.

Recognizing this pattern is crucial for setting healthy boundaries and avoiding the emotional drain that often accompanies relationships with covert narcissists. It’s important to remember that while everyone appreciates validation, a constant, insatiable need for it is a red flag for narcissistic behavior.

11. They Sabotage Others’ Success

One of the more insidious behaviors of covert narcissists is their tendency to sabotage the success of others. This behavior stems from their deep-seated insecurity and need to maintain their perceived superiority.

Covert narcissists may sabotage others by:

1. Providing misleading advice or information
2. Withholding crucial resources or support
3. Subtly undermining others’ confidence
4. Spreading rumors or negative gossip
5. Taking credit for others’ work or ideas

This sabotage is often done in ways that are difficult to detect or prove, allowing the covert narcissist to maintain their image of innocence. They may even offer sympathy or support after their sabotage has taken effect, further obscuring their role in the other person’s setback.

The motivation behind this behavior is complex. On one hand, it stems from the covert narcissist’s fear of being outshone or proven inferior. On the other, it provides them with a sense of control and superiority, reinforcing their grandiose self-image.

Recognizing this pattern of sabotage is crucial for protecting oneself and maintaining a healthy environment, whether in personal relationships or professional settings. It’s important to trust your instincts and be wary of individuals who seem to take pleasure in others’ failures or setbacks.

12. They Exaggerate Their Problems

Covert narcissists often engage in a behavior known as “problem exaggeration.” This involves amplifying the severity of their issues or challenges, often to garner sympathy, avoid responsibility, or manipulate others.

This exaggeration can manifest in several ways:

1. Turning minor inconveniences into major crises
2. Dramatizing health issues or physical ailments
3. Overemphasizing the difficulty of routine tasks
4. Exaggerating the negative impact of others’ actions on them
5. Portraying themselves as constant victims of circumstance

The purpose of this behavior is multifaceted. It allows the covert narcissist to:

• Gain attention and sympathy from others
• Avoid responsibilities or expectations
• Manipulate others into catering to their needs
• Justify their failures or shortcomings
• Maintain their image as a perpetual victim

This constant exaggeration of problems can be emotionally draining for those around the covert narcissist. It creates a dynamic where others feel compelled to constantly offer support and assistance, often at the expense of their own needs and well-being.

Recognizing this pattern is crucial for maintaining healthy boundaries and avoiding the emotional manipulation that often accompanies relationships with covert narcissists. It’s important to maintain perspective and not get drawn into the exaggerated narratives that covert narcissists create around their problems.

13. They Dislike Rules and Authority

Covert narcissists often harbor a deep-seated aversion to rules and authority. This dislike stems from their belief in their own superiority and their resistance to being controlled or limited by others.

This disdain for rules and authority can manifest in various ways:

1. Subtle resistance to workplace policies or procedures
2. Bending or breaking rules while maintaining a facade of compliance
3. Undermining authority figures through passive-aggressive behavior
4. Believing that rules apply to others but not to them
5. Reacting defensively when their actions are questioned or corrected

The covert narcissist’s dislike of rules and authority serves several purposes:

• It reinforces their sense of uniqueness and superiority
• It allows them to feel in control and unbounded by societal norms
• It provides opportunities for them to manipulate situations to their advantage

This behavior can be particularly challenging in professional settings, where it may lead to conflicts with superiors or difficulties in teamwork. In personal relationships, it can create tension and frustration as the covert narcissist consistently pushes boundaries and resists compromise.

Recognizing this trait is important for understanding the motivations behind a covert narcissist’s actions and for setting appropriate boundaries in interactions with them. It’s crucial to maintain clear expectations and consequences, even in the face of their subtle resistance to rules and authority.

14. They Emotionally Manipulate Others

Emotional manipulation is a cornerstone of covert narcissistic behavior. Unlike overt narcissists who may use more direct forms of control, covert narcissists employ subtle, often insidious tactics to manipulate the emotions of those around them.

Common emotional manipulation tactics used by covert narcissists include:

1. Guilt-tripping
2. Playing the victim
3. Gaslighting
4. Silent treatment
5. Love bombing followed by withdrawal
6. Using others’ insecurities against them
7. Creating doubt and confusion

These tactics serve several purposes for the covert narcissist:

• They maintain control over others
• They avoid taking responsibility for their actions
• They secure attention and sympathy
• They manipulate others into meeting their needs

The emotional manipulation employed by covert narcissists can be particularly damaging because it’s often difficult to recognize in the moment. Victims may find themselves constantly second-guessing their own perceptions and feelings, leading to a state of emotional confusion and dependency.

Understanding these manipulation tactics is crucial for protecting oneself from narcissistic abuse. It’s important to trust your instincts, maintain strong boundaries, and seek support if you find yourself consistently feeling manipulated or emotionally drained in a relationship.

15. They Withhold Affection

Withholding affection is a powerful tool in the covert narcissist’s arsenal of manipulation tactics. This behavior involves deliberately withdrawing emotional or physical affection as a means of control, punishment, or manipulation.

Covert narcissists may withhold affection by:

1. Becoming emotionally distant or cold
2. Refusing physical intimacy
3. Ignoring or giving minimal responses to expressions of love or affection
4. Withholding praise or recognition
5. Using the silent treatment

The purpose of withholding affection is multifaceted:

• It creates a sense of insecurity and anxiety in their partner
• It manipulates others into working harder for their approval
• It maintains a power imbalance in the relationship
• It punishes perceived slights or failures to meet their expectations

This behavior can be particularly damaging in romantic relationships, where it can lead to feelings of rejection, low self-esteem, and emotional instability in the partner. It can also create a cycle of intermittent reinforcement, where the partner becomes increasingly desperate for any signs of affection or approval.

Recognizing this pattern is crucial for maintaining emotional health in relationships. It’s important to remember that love and affection should not be used as bargaining chips or tools for manipulation in healthy relationships.

16. They Use Guilt Trips

Guilt-tripping is a favorite tactic of covert narcissists, used to manipulate others into compliance or to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. This behavior involves making others feel guilty for not meeting the narcissist’s expectations or for perceived slights against them.

Covert narcissists may use guilt trips by:

1. Making exaggerated statements about how others have hurt them
2. Comparing others unfavorably to themselves or to idealized standards
3. Implying that others are selfish or uncaring for not meeting their needs
4. Using passive-aggressive comments to induce guilt
5. Bringing up past favors or sacrifices they’ve made

The purpose of guilt-tripping is to:

• Manipulate others into doing what the narcissist wants
• Avoid taking responsibility for their own actions or feelings
• Maintain control in relationships
• Secure attention and sympathy

Guilt-tripping can be particularly effective because it exploits the empathy and goodwill of others. Those on the receiving end often find themselves constantly trying to make amends or prove their worth, creating an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship.

Recognizing and resisting guilt trips is crucial for maintaining healthy boundaries with covert narcissists. It’s important to remember that you are not responsible for managing the narcissist’s emotions or meeting their unreasonable expectations.

17. They Avoid Conflict

While it might seem counterintuitive, given their manipulative behaviors, covert narcissists often go to great lengths to avoid direct conflict. This avoidance is not born out of a desire for harmony, but rather from a need to maintain their carefully crafted image and avoid situations where their fragile ego might be threatened.

Covert narcissists may avoid conflict by:

1. Deflecting or changing the subject when confronted
2. Using passive-aggressive behaviors instead of direct communication
3. Pretending not to understand or remember issues
4. Withdrawing or giving the silent treatment
5. Making excuses or playing the victim to avoid addressing problems

The reasons behind this conflict avoidance are complex:

• It allows them to maintain their facade of being “nice” or “easygoing”
• It prevents situations where they might be proven wrong or criticized
• It gives them plausible deniability if accused of wrongdoing
• It allows them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions

This avoidance of conflict can be frustrating for those in relationships with covert narcissists, as it makes it difficult to address and resolve issues. It can lead to a buildup of unresolved problems and resentment over time.

Recognizing this pattern is important for maintaining healthy communication in relationships. It’s crucial to find ways to address issues directly, even in the face of the covert narcissist’s attempts to avoid or deflect conflict.

18. They Spread Gossip and Rumors

Covert narcissists often engage in spreading gossip and rumors as a means of maintaining control and boosting their own status. This behavior allows them to manipulate others’ perceptions and create drama without directly involving themselves.

They may spread gossip and rumors by:

1. Sharing “confidential” information about others
2. Exaggerating or distorting facts about people
3. Subtly planting seeds of doubt about others’ character or actions
4. Presenting speculation as fact
5. Using backhanded compliments that contain negative implications

The motivations behind this behavior include:

• Undermining potential rivals or threats to their status
• Garnering attention and sympathy for themselves
• Manipulating social dynamics to their advantage
• Deflecting attention from their own shortcomings

This behavior can be particularly damaging in social or professional settings, where it can ruin reputations and create a toxic environment. It’s important to be wary of individuals who consistently engage in gossip or seem to have “inside information” about everyone.

19. They Give Unsolicited Advice

Covert narcissists often position themselves as experts or wise counselors, freely offering unsolicited advice to those around them. While on the surface this may seem helpful, it’s often a tactic used to assert superiority and control.

They may give unsolicited advice by:

1. Interrupting conversations to offer their “expert” opinion
2. Critiquing others’ decisions or actions under the guise of helping
3. Offering solutions to problems that weren’t asked for
4. Insisting their way is the best or only way to do something
5. Using phrases like “If I were you…” or “You should…”

The purposes of this behavior include:

• Asserting their perceived superiority and wisdom
• Controlling others’ actions and decisions
• Boosting their own ego by appearing knowledgeable
• Creating a sense of obligation in others

While advice can be valuable when sought, constant unsolicited advice can be undermining and frustrating. It’s important to set boundaries and assert your own autonomy when dealing with someone who consistently offers unwanted advice.

20. They Frequently Contradict Themselves

One of the more confusing aspects of dealing with a covert narcissist is their tendency to frequently contradict themselves. This inconsistency can leave others feeling confused and off-balance, which is often the intended effect.

Covert narcissists may contradict themselves by:

1. Changing their stance on issues depending on the audience
2. Denying things they’ve previously said or done
3. Presenting different versions of events at different times
4. Having inconsistent standards for themselves versus others
5. Alternating between extreme positions on topics

This behavior serves several purposes:

• It allows them to avoid being pinned down or held accountable
• It keeps others confused and uncertain, maintaining the narcissist’s control
• It provides flexibility to always position themselves in the best light
• It enables them to gaslight others by denying previous statements or actions

Recognizing these contradictions can be key to understanding the manipulation tactics of covert narcissists. It’s important to trust your own memory and perceptions, and not allow yourself to be swayed by their inconsistent narratives.

21. They Idealize Then Devalue Others

Covert narcissists often engage in a pattern of idealizing and then devaluing others. This behavior, known as “splitting,” involves viewing people as either all good or all bad, with little middle ground.

The idealization phase may involve:

1. Excessive praise and admiration
2. Putting the person on a pedestal
3. Claiming a special connection or understanding
4. Rapid progression of relationships

The devaluation phase that follows may include:

1. Sudden criticism or fault-finding
2. Withdrawing affection or attention
3. Comparing the person unfavorably to others
4. Dismissing the person’s positive qualities

This cycle serves several purposes for the covert narcissist:

• It allows them to maintain their grandiose self-image
• It keeps others off-balance and seeking their approval
• It provides a sense of control in relationships
• It protects them from perceived threats of abandonment or inadequacy

Recognizing this pattern is crucial for protecting oneself from the emotional rollercoaster that often accompanies relationships with covert narcissists. It’s important to maintain a realistic view of oneself and others, and not be swayed by the narcissist’s extreme perspectives.

22. They Rarely Apologize Sincerely

One of the most frustrating aspects of interacting with a covert narcissist is their inability or unwillingness to offer sincere apologies. Even when confronted with clear evidence of wrongdoing, they struggle to take responsibility for their actions and offer a genuine apology.

When covert narcissists do apologize, it often takes the form of:

1. Non-apologies (“I’m sorry you feel that way”)
2. Conditional apologies (“I’m sorry if I hurt you”)
3. Apologies followed by justifications or excuses
4. Apologies that shift blame to others
5. Insincere apologies designed to end the conversation quickly

The reasons behind this inability to apologize sincerely include:

• A deep-seated fear of appearing flawed or imperfect
• An inability to accept responsibility for their actions
• A belief that they are above reproach or criticism
• A lack of genuine empathy for others’ feelings

This behavior can be particularly damaging in relationships, as it prevents genuine resolution of conflicts and can leave others feeling invalidated and unheard. Recognizing this pattern is crucial for setting realistic expectations in interactions with covert narcissists and for protecting one’s own emotional well-being.

23. They Judge and Criticize Others

Covert narcissists often engage in harsh judgment and criticism of others, although they may do so in more subtle ways than their overt counterparts. This behavior stems from their need to feel superior and to deflect attention from their own perceived inadequacies.

They may judge and criticize others by:

1. Making subtle digs or backhanded compliments
2. Gossiping or speaking negatively about others behind their backs
3. Offering unsolicited “constructive criticism”
4. Comparing others unfavorably to themselves or to idealized standards
5. Dismissing or minimizing others’ accomplishments

The purposes of this behavior include:

• Boosting their own self-esteem by putting others down
• Maintaining their sense of superiority
• Deflecting attention from their own flaws or shortcomings
• Controlling others through fear of judgment

This constant judgment and criticism can create a toxic environment, whether in personal relationships or professional settings. It’s important to recognize this behavior and not internalize the narcissist’s negative assessments.

24. They Act Superior But Are Insecure

One of the core paradoxes of covert narcissism is the contrast between their outward display of superiority and their deep-seated insecurity. This internal conflict drives many of their behaviors and can be confusing for those interacting with them.

Covert narcissists may display superiority by:

1. Subtly bragging about their accomplishments or knowledge
2. Dismissing others’ opinions or ideas
3. Acting as though rules don’t apply to them
4. Expecting special treatment or consideration
5. Offering unsolicited advice or criticism

However, this facade of superiority masks profound insecurity, which may manifest as:

1. Hypersensitivity to criticism
2. Constant need for validation and praise
3. Avoidance of situations where they might not excel
4. Excessive defensiveness when challenged
5. Tendency to blame others for their failures or shortcomings

Understanding this paradox is key to recognizing the complex dynamics of covert narcissism. It’s important to remember that their superior attitude is a defense mechanism, not a reflection of genuine self-confidence.

25. They Overshare to Gain Sympathy

Covert narcissists often engage in a behavior known as “trauma dumping” or oversharing, particularly about their hardships or struggles. While this may seem like openness or vulnerability, it’s often a calculated move to gain sympathy and attention.

They may overshare by:

1. Sharing intimate details early in relationships
2. Dominating conversations with their problems
3. Bringing up past traumas frequently and in inappropriate contexts
4. Using their hardships to justify bad behavior
5. Comparing their struggles to others’, always positioning themselves as having it worse

The purposes of this oversharing include:

• Gaining sympathy and attention
• Creating a sense of intimacy or closeness (which they can later exploit)
• Justifying their behavior or shortcomings
• Manipulating others into caretaking roles

While it’s important to be compassionate, it’s equally crucial to recognize when oversharing is being used as a manipulation tactic. Setting boundaries around these conversations and maintaining emotional distance can help protect against this form of emotional manipulation.

26. They Twist Facts to Protect Their Image

Covert narcissists are masters at twisting facts and manipulating narratives to protect their self-image. This behavior often borders on or crosses into outright deception, but is done in such a subtle way that it can be hard to pinpoint or challenge.

They may twist facts by:

1. Rewriting history to cast themselves in a better light
2. Exaggerating their role in positive outcomes
3. Minimizing or denying their involvement in negative situations
4. Using selective truth-telling to create a false narrative
5. Gaslighting others by denying or distorting shared experiences

The purposes of this fact-twisting include:

• Maintaining their grandiose self-image
• Avoiding responsibility for mistakes or bad behavior
• Manipulating others’ perceptions of them
• Gaining sympathy or admiration

This behavior can be particularly damaging in relationships, as it erodes trust and creates a false reality. Recognizing this pattern is crucial for maintaining one’s own sense of reality and setting boundaries with covert narcissists.

27. They Shift Blame to Avoid Responsibility

A key characteristic of covert narcissists is their tendency to shift blame onto others to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or mistakes. This behavior stems from their deep-seated fear of appearing flawed or imperfect.

They may shift blame by:

1. Finding scapegoats for their failures
2. Using phrases like “You made me do it” or “If only you had…”
3. Deflecting criticism by pointing out others’ faults
4. Minimizing their role in negative outcomes
5. Playing the victim when confronted with their mistakes

The purposes of this blame-shifting include:

• Protecting their fragile self-esteem
• Avoiding feelings of shame or inadequacy
• Manipulating others into feeling guilty or responsible
• Maintaining their image of perfection or superiority

This constant avoidance of responsibility can be frustrating and damaging in relationships, both personal and professional. It’s important to recognize this pattern and hold firm to the reality of situations, rather than accepting the narcissist’s distorted narrative.

28. They Selectively Forget Hurtful Behavior

Covert narcissists often display a curious form of selective memory, conveniently forgetting their own hurtful behaviors while holding onto perceived slights against them. This selective forgetting is not usually a conscious choice, but rather a defense mechanism to protect their fragile self-image.

They may selectively forget by:

1. Denying past hurtful actions or words
2. Minimizing the impact of their behavior on others
3. Rewriting history to cast themselves in a better light
4. Remembering their own pain or victimhood vividly while forgetting their role in conflicts
5. Accusing others of misremembering or exaggerating when confronted with past behavior

The purposes of this selective forgetting include:

• Maintaining their positive self-image
• Avoiding feelings of guilt or shame
• Manipulating others’ perceptions of them
• Justifying continued hurtful behavior

This selective memory can be particularly frustrating for those in relationships with covert narcissists, as it can feel like gaslighting. It’s important to trust your own memories and perceptions, and not allow the narcissist’s selective forgetting to distort your reality.

29. They Lack Object Constancy in Relationships

Object constancy is the ability to maintain a positive emotional bond with others even when there is distance and conflict. Covert narcissists often struggle with this concept, leading to unstable and volatile relationships.

This lack of object constancy may manifest as:

1. Rapid shifts between idealization and devaluation of others
2. Difficulty maintaining positive feelings about someone when they’re not present
3. Extreme reactions to perceived slights or abandonment
4. Inability to see others as complex beings with both positive and negative traits
5. Struggling to reconcile different aspects of a person’s behavior

The impact of this lack of object constancy includes:

• Unstable and unpredictable relationships
• Difficulty in maintaining long-term connections
• Tendency to discard relationships when they no longer serve a purpose
• Inability to fully trust or feel secure in relationships

Understanding this aspect of covert narcissism can help in recognizing patterns of narcissistic abuse in relationships. It’s important to maintain a consistent sense of self-worth that doesn’t depend on the narcissist’s fluctuating perceptions.

30. They Alternate Between Being Needy and Aloof

Covert narcissists often display a confusing pattern of alternating between neediness and aloofness in their relationships. This behavior, rooted in their fear of abandonment and need for control, can leave others feeling emotionally whiplashed.

The needy phase may involve:

1. Constant seeking of attention and validation
2. Excessive demands for time and energy
3. Clinginess and fear of abandonment
4. Emotional dependency

The aloof phase may include:

1. Emotional withdrawal
2. Indifference to others’ needs or feelings
3. Avoidance of intimacy or vulnerability
4. Acting superior or disinterested

This alternating behavior serves several purposes:

• Keeping others off-balance and uncertain
• Maintaining control in relationships
• Protecting against perceived threats of abandonment or engulfment
• Satisfying their need for attention while preserving their sense of independence

Recognizing this pattern is crucial for maintaining emotional stability in relationships with covert narcissists. It’s important to set consistent boundaries and not allow your own emotional state to be dictated by their fluctuating behavior.

31. They Feel Entitled to Loyalty and Favors

The final subtle sign of covert narcissism we’ll explore is their sense of entitlement to loyalty and favors from others. This entitlement stems from their belief in their own superiority and their expectation that others should cater to their needs.

Covert narcissists may display this entitlement by:

1. Expecting unwavering support, regardless of their behavior
2. Becoming angry or resentful when others don’t meet their expectations
3. Demanding favors without reciprocation
4. Assuming others should prioritize their needs above all else
5. Reacting poorly to perceived disloyalty or lack of support

The purposes of this behavior include:

• Maintaining control in relationships
• Ensuring a constant supply of admiration and support
• Avoiding reciprocity or mutual give-and-take in relationships
• Reinforcing their sense of superiority

This sense of entitlement can be particularly draining in relationships, as it creates an imbalance where the narcissist’s needs are constantly prioritized. Recognizing this pattern is crucial for setting healthy boundaries and maintaining one’s own autonomy in relationships with covert narcissists.

Conclusion

As we wrap up our exploration of covert narcissism and its subtle signs, it’s crucial to remember that recognizing these behaviors is just the first step. The journey of understanding and dealing with covert narcissism is complex and often challenging. Whether you’ve identified these traits in a friend, family member, romantic partner, or even in your workplace, knowing how to navigate these relationships is key to protecting your mental health and well-being.

If you find yourself entangled with a covert narcissist, remember that their behavior isn’t a reflection of your worth. Their manipulation tactics and emotional vampirism can be draining, but understanding their patterns can empower you to set boundaries and prioritize your own emotional needs.

For those dealing with covert narcissism in family dynamics, it’s important to recognize that healing may require professional support and a commitment to self-care. The same applies to navigating romantic relationships with covert narcissists, where the line between love and manipulation can become blurred.

In the workplace, handling covert narcissism requires a delicate balance of professionalism and self-protection. By staying aware of the signs and maintaining clear boundaries, you can safeguard your career and mental health.

It’s also worth noting that covert narcissism is distinct from introversion. While both may appear similar on the surface, understanding the key differences can prevent misunderstandings and false assumptions about quiet or reserved individuals.

As you move forward, armed with this knowledge, remember that healing and growth are possible. Whether you’re dealing with a covert narcissist parent or untangling yourself from toxic friendships, each step towards understanding and setting boundaries is a step towards reclaiming your power and peace of mind.