Have you ever felt like something’s off in a relationship, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it? Covert narcissists often create this confusion. They don’t fit the obvious narcissist stereotype.
Instead, their behaviors are subtle, yet they can leave you feeling emotionally drained or questioning your reality. These individuals struggle with deep insecurity, masked by a fragile sense of confidence.
Over time, their patterns can chip away at trust and intimacy, creating a cycle of dysfunction. This is why covert narcissist failed relationships are so common—they thrive on control, but at the cost of connection.
Key Takeaways
Covert narcissists hide their insecurities by acting confident, causing confusion.
They twist reality, making you question your thoughts and memories.
Sharing feelings with them can be risky; they might use it against you later.
They often communicate indirectly, avoiding fights but leaving problems unsolved.
Covert narcissists play with emotions, making you feel guilty for their actions.
They are emotionally distant, making partners feel lonely and unhappy.
Trust breaks down because of gaslighting and ignoring, causing confusion and stress.
Spotting these behaviors helps protect your feelings and regain confidence.
Traits Of Covert Narcissists That Lead To Failed Relationships
Emotional Insecurity Masked By Superficial Confidence
Covert narcissists often appear confident on the surface, but this is just a mask for their deep emotional insecurity. They crave validation but fear vulnerability, which creates a confusing dynamic in relationships. You might notice them deflecting blame or twisting situations to avoid exposing their insecurities. Let’s break this down further.
Reality Distortion Techniques
Have you ever felt like your version of events was dismissed or twisted? Covert narcissists excel at distorting reality to protect their fragile self-image. They might subtly reframe conversations to make you doubt your memory or perception.
For example, if you confront them about a hurtful comment, they might say, “You’re too sensitive” or “That’s not what I meant.” Over time, this can make you question your own reality.
Research shows that a lack of cognitive empathy is a hallmark of covert narcissism. This means they struggle to truly understand or validate your feelings. A study even found that individuals with covert narcissistic traits often fail to form meaningful connections because they lack the emotional tools to do so. Here’s a quick look at the findings:
Finding | Implication |
|---|---|
A lack of cognitive empathy is predictive of greater covert narcissistic traits. | This suggests that individuals with higher covert narcissism may struggle with interpersonal relationships, leading to failures. |
Empathy is crucial for building human connections in healthcare. | Individuals with covert narcissistic traits may face difficulties in forming adequate relationships, contributing to failures. |
Vulnerability Punishment Patterns
When you open up emotionally, you expect understanding, right? With a covert narcissist, vulnerability often feels like a trap. They might use your openness against you later, either by dismissing your feelings or bringing them up in unrelated arguments. This creates a cycle where you hesitate to share, fearing emotional punishment. Over time, this erodes trust and intimacy, two pillars of any healthy relationship.
Passive-Aggressive Communication And Conflict Avoidance
Covert narcissists rarely address issues head-on. Instead, they rely on passive-aggressive tactics that leave you feeling frustrated and unheard. Their communication style often avoids direct confrontation, which prevents conflicts from being resolved effectively.
Guilt-Inducing Communication Patterns
Have you ever felt guilty without knowing why? Covert narcissists are skilled at making you feel responsible for their emotions or actions. For instance, if you express a need, they might respond with, “I guess I’m just not good enough for you,” shifting the focus to their feelings and away from the issue at hand. This tactic keeps you walking on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid upsetting them.
Studies highlight that assertive communication—using clear “I-You” statements—is far more effective in resolving conflicts than passive-aggressive behaviors. When covert narcissists avoid direct communication, conflicts remain unresolved, creating a toxic cycle that damages relationships over time.
Invalidation-Compliance Cycle
Covert narcissists often invalidate your feelings to maintain control. They might downplay your concerns or make you feel like you’re overreacting. Over time, this can lead to a compliance cycle where you stop voicing your needs altogether. You might think, “What’s the point? They’ll just dismiss me anyway.” This dynamic not only silences you but also deepens the emotional disconnect in the relationship.
Manipulation Patterns In Covert Narcissists’ Failed Relationships
Manipulation is a hallmark of covert narcissists, but it’s not always obvious. Their tactics are subtle, often leaving you questioning your own decisions or emotions. Let’s explore how these patterns play out in relationships and why they contribute to repeated failures.
Subtle Control Mechanisms And Deception
Covert narcissists don’t always demand control outright. Instead, they use quiet, calculated methods to steer situations in their favor. This can leave you feeling like you’re losing autonomy without even realizing it.
Decision-Making Monopolization
Have you ever felt like your opinions don’t matter in decisions that affect both of you? Covert narcissists often dominate decision-making, but they do it in a way that seems “helpful” or “logical.” For instance, they might say, “I know what’s best for us,” or subtly dismiss your input with phrases like, “You don’t need to worry about this.”
Over time, this erodes your confidence in your own judgment. Research in personality psychology highlights how covert narcissists use such tactics to maintain control while appearing considerate, which makes their manipulation harder to detect.
Strategic Vulnerability Exploitation
Covert narcissists have a knack for turning your vulnerabilities into tools for their gain. If you share something deeply personal, they might later use it to manipulate you. For example, if you confide about a fear of abandonment, they might subtly threaten to leave during arguments to keep you compliant.
This creates a dynamic where you feel trapped, constantly trying to avoid triggering their reactions. Studies on emotional abuse emphasize how this form of exploitation can lead to long-term psychological harm, including anxiety and self-doubt.
Playing The Victim To Evade Responsibility
Covert narcissists rarely take accountability for their actions. Instead, they position themselves as the victim, shifting the focus away from their behavior and onto your perceived shortcomings.
Sympathy Solicitation Tactics
Have you ever found yourself comforting someone who just hurt you? Covert narcissists excel at flipping the script. If you confront them about their actions, they might respond with, “I can’t believe you think I’d do that. Do you know how much I’ve been through?” This tactic not only deflects blame but also makes you feel guilty for bringing up the issue. It’s a clever way to avoid accountability while keeping you emotionally invested.
Blame Displacement Strategies
When things go wrong, covert narcissists rarely admit fault. Instead, they find ways to make you feel responsible. For instance, if they forget an important date, they might say, “You didn’t remind me,” or, “You know how busy I am.” This constant blame-shifting can leave you questioning your own actions and wondering if you’re the problem. According to Dr. Craig Malkin, a psychologist specializing in narcissism, this behavior stems from their deep fear of inadequacy. By blaming others, they protect their fragile self-esteem.
These manipulation patterns are a significant reason why covert narcissist failed relationships are so common. They create an environment where trust and mutual respect can’t thrive, leaving partners emotionally drained and disconnected.
Covert Narcissists’ Relationship Dysfunction Through Emotional Unavailability
When you’re in a relationship, emotional connection is everything. But with a covert narcissist, that connection often feels one-sided or completely absent. Their emotional unavailability creates a barrier that’s hard to break through, leaving you feeling isolated and unfulfilled. Let’s explore how this dysfunction shows up.
Empathic Disconnect Manifestations
Covert narcissists struggle with empathy. While they might appear to care on the surface, their actions often reveal a lack of genuine emotional understanding. This disconnect can make you feel like your emotions are invisible.
Selective Emotional Recognition
Have you ever noticed how they only seem to acknowledge your feelings when it benefits them? Covert narcissists often engage in selective emotional recognition. For example, they might show concern when you’re upset in public, but dismiss your feelings in private. This inconsistency can leave you questioning whether your emotions even matter.
Studies have shown a strong link between low empathy and emotional exhaustion in relationships. Here are some key findings:
Studies indicated a consistently negative correlation between empathy and burnout.
Three studies showed a positive association between empathy and emotional exhaustion.
Study | Sample Size | Effect Size | Power | Alpha |
|---|---|---|---|---|
Empathy and helping | 0.15 | 85% | 0.05 |
These findings highlight how a lack of empathy can wear down emotional bonds over time.
Empathic Response Failures
Even when you express your needs clearly, a covert narcissist might fail to respond in a meaningful way. Instead of offering support, they might change the subject or minimize your concerns. For instance, if you share that you’re feeling overwhelmed, they might say, “Everyone feels that way sometimes,” instead of offering comfort. Over time, this pattern can make you feel unheard and unsupported.
Creating Emotional Distance Through Criticism And Blame
Covert narcissists often create emotional distance by using criticism and blame as tools. These behaviors push you away while keeping them in control of the relationship dynamic.
Surface Engagement Techniques
On the surface, they might seem engaged in conversations or conflicts. But if you look closer, their responses often lack depth. For example, they might nod or say, “I understand,” without actually addressing the issue. This surface-level engagement can make you feel like you’re talking to a wall, even when they’re physically present.
Genuine Connection Resistance
Building a genuine connection requires vulnerability, but covert narcissists resist this at all costs. They might deflect personal questions or avoid meaningful conversations altogether. For instance, if you try to discuss future plans, they might respond with vague answers like, “We’ll see how things go.” This resistance creates a constant emotional gap, making it nearly impossible to feel truly close to them.
In my experience working with clients, this emotional unavailability is one of the main reasons covert narcissist failed relationships are so common. It’s not just about what they do—it’s about what they withhold. Their inability to connect on a deeper level leaves their partners feeling emotionally starved, leading to frustration and eventual breakdowns in the relationship.
Trust Erosion Dynamics In Failed Relationships With Covert Narcissists
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. But with a covert narcissist, trust often crumbles under the weight of manipulation and emotional games. Their behaviors, like gaslighting and silent treatment, create confusion and insecurity, leaving you questioning your own reality and emotional safety.
Gaslighting And Creating Emotional Confusion
Gaslighting is one of the most insidious tactics covert narcissists use. It’s a form of psychological manipulation that makes you doubt your perceptions, memories, and even your sanity. Over time, this erodes trust—not just in them, but in yourself.
Credibility Undermining Behaviors
Have you ever been told, “You’re imagining things” or “That never happened”? Covert narcissists use these phrases to rewrite reality. They might deny events you clearly remember or twist your words to suit their narrative. For example, if you confront them about a broken promise, they might say, “I never agreed to that,” even when you know they did. This constant denial chips away at your confidence in your own memory.
Studies show that gaslighting behaviors significantly undermine relationship stability. Victims often experience cognitive impairments, lower self-esteem, and difficulty trusting others. These effects are even more pronounced in relationships with power imbalances, where one partner holds more control. Over time, this manipulation creates a toxic dynamic that’s hard to escape.
The Invalidation-Compliance Cycle
Covert narcissists often dismiss your feelings to maintain control. If you express hurt or frustration, they might say, “You’re overreacting” or “You’re too sensitive.” This invalidation makes you second-guess your emotions. Eventually, you might stop voicing your concerns altogether, thinking, “What’s the point? They’ll just dismiss me anyway.” This cycle of invalidation and compliance deepens the emotional disconnect and leaves you feeling unheard and powerless.
Silent Treatment And Emotional Withdrawal As Punishment
When a covert narcissist feels slighted, they often resort to the silent treatment. This isn’t just ignoring you—it’s a calculated move to make you feel isolated and desperate for their attention. It’s a way to punish you without saying a word.
Emotional Safety Sabotage
The silent treatment creates an environment where you never feel emotionally safe. You might find yourself walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering their withdrawal. This constant tension can leave you feeling anxious and unsure of where you stand.
Research involving adult children who experienced silent treatment from their parents found a strong link between this behavior and lower self-esteem. It’s a clear reminder of how damaging emotional withdrawal can be.
Abandonment Threat Deployment
Covert narcissists often use emotional withdrawal to play on your fear of abandonment. If you try to address an issue, they might shut down completely, leaving you feeling like you’re the problem. For example, if you ask for more emotional support, they might respond by pulling away entirely, making you feel guilty for even asking. This tactic keeps you in a state of emotional limbo, constantly trying to win back their approval.
In interviews with women aged 20-27, participants described feeling hurt, angry, and frustrated by the silent treatment. They also reported that it caused long-term relational harm, making it difficult to trust future partners. This aligns with what I’ve seen in my practice—silent treatment isn’t just a momentary punishment; it’s a tool that leaves lasting scars.
These trust-eroding dynamics are a major reason covert narcissist failed relationships are so common. When trust is repeatedly undermined, it becomes nearly impossible to build a stable, healthy connection. You’re left feeling confused, isolated, and emotionally drained.
Attachment Dysfunction Patterns In Covert Narcissistic Relationships
When you’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist, attachment often feels like a rollercoaster. One moment, they pull you close, and the next, they push you away. This inconsistency stems from deep-seated attachment dysfunctions that make emotional stability nearly impossible. Let’s break this down.
Anxious-Avoidant Manifestations
Covert narcissists often exhibit a mix of anxious and avoidant attachment behaviors. They crave closeness but fear vulnerability, creating a push-pull dynamic that leaves you feeling emotionally whiplashed.
Proximity-Distance Control Mechanisms
Have you ever felt like you’re being kept at arm’s length, even when you’re trying to connect? Covert narcissists use proximity-distance control to maintain power in the relationship. They might shower you with attention one day, only to withdraw the next. This keeps you guessing and constantly seeking their approval.
Research highlights how vulnerable narcissism, a key trait in covert narcissists, correlates with anxious-avoidant attachment styles. Here’s a quick look at the data:
Variable | Coefficient (β) | p-value | R² |
|---|---|---|---|
Grandiose Narcissism | 0.17 | 0.03 | 0.03 |
Vulnerable Narcissism | 0.002 | 0.09 | |
Change in Model (ΔR²) | 0.06 |
This table shows how vulnerable narcissism significantly impacts attachment patterns, leading to unstable relationship dynamics.
Dependency Engineering Tactics
Covert narcissists often create a sense of dependency in their partners. They might subtly undermine your confidence, making you feel like you can’t function without them.
For example, they could say things like, “You wouldn’t have managed that without my help,” planting seeds of doubt in your abilities. Over time, this fosters a toxic reliance that keeps you tethered to the relationship, even when it’s harmful.
Fear Of Vulnerability And Emotional Exposure
Covert narcissists fear emotional exposure like it’s a trap. They see vulnerability as a weakness, so they avoid it at all costs. This fear drives many of their behaviors, from emotional withdrawal to criticism.
Competence Undermining Strategies
Have you ever noticed how they downplay your achievements or make you second-guess your abilities? This isn’t accidental. Covert narcissists often undermine your competence to keep the focus off their own insecurities.
For instance, if you share a success, they might respond with, “Well, anyone could’ve done that,” or shift the conversation back to themselves. This tactic not only diminishes your confidence but also keeps you from challenging their authority in the relationship.
Emotional Intimacy Avoidance Behaviors
Building emotional intimacy with a covert narcissist feels like trying to hug a shadow. They avoid deep conversations and deflect personal questions, leaving you feeling disconnected. For example, if you ask about their feelings, they might respond with vague statements like, “I don’t like talking about that,” or change the subject entirely.
Studies back this up. Brennan and Shaver (1998) found that narcissistic personality traits often align with insecure attachment styles, particularly those marked by avoidance and anxiety. Here’s a summary of key findings:
Study | Findings |
|---|---|
Brennan and Shaver (1998) | Found a relation between narcissistic personality disorder and insecure attachment features, indicating anxiety and avoidance in attachment representations. |
Dickinson and Pincus (2003) | High grandiose narcissism linked to secure/avoidant attachment; vulnerable narcissism linked to anxious/ambivalent and fearful attachment styles. |
Smolewska and Dion (2005) | Vulnerable narcissism associated with insecure attachment anxiety, while grandiose narcissism showed no relation. |
Fossati et al. (2015) | Pathological narcissism significantly related to insecure attachment dimensions of anxiety and avoidance. |
Besser and Priel (2009) | Vulnerable narcissism leads to higher stress in relationships, increased anxiety during separation, and sensitivity to rejection. |
These findings highlight how covert narcissists’ fear of vulnerability creates emotional walls that are hard to break down.
In the end, these attachment dysfunctions leave you feeling stuck in a cycle of hope and disappointment. You might think, “If I just try harder, they’ll open up,” but the truth is, their fear of vulnerability often outweighs their desire for connection. Recognizing these patterns can help you understand why the relationship feels so one-sided—and why it’s so emotionally exhausting.
Cyclical Deterioration In Covert Narcissists’ Failed Relationships
Relationships with covert narcissists often follow a predictable yet emotionally draining cycle. This cycle, marked by intense highs and devastating lows, can leave you feeling confused, unworthy, and emotionally exhausted. Let’s break down the two key phases of this pattern: idealization-devaluation and discard-reconciliation.
Idealization-Devaluation Progression
At first, a covert narcissist might make you feel like the most important person in their world. But over time, this admiration fades, replaced by subtle criticism and emotional withdrawal. This shift isn’t random—it’s part of a calculated pattern.
Love Bombing Intensity Patterns
During the idealization phase, you might feel like you’ve found your soulmate. Covert narcissists excel at love bombing, showering you with compliments, attention, and affection. They’ll tell you things like, “I’ve never met anyone like you,” or “You’re the only one who truly understands me.” This creates a strong emotional bond, making you feel special and irreplaceable.
But here’s the catch: this intensity isn’t sustainable. It’s a strategy to draw you in and make you emotionally dependent. As one study highlights, this phase is all about creating a sense of uniqueness and admiration.
Stage | Description |
|---|---|
Idealization | Characterized by love bombing, where the narcissist creates a strong emotional connection and puts the partner on a pedestal. |
Systematic Depreciation Techniques
Once you’re hooked, the devaluation phase begins. This shift can be so subtle that you might not notice it at first. They might start with small criticisms, like commenting on your appearance or questioning your decisions. Over time, these remarks become more frequent and cutting. You might hear things like, “Why can’t you ever get it right?” or “You’re too sensitive.”
This isn’t just about criticism—it’s about control. By undermining your self-worth, they keep you dependent on their approval. Research shows that this phase often involves projection, where the narcissist blames you for their own insecurities.
Cycle | Description |
|---|---|
Idealization | Intense admiration and affection towards the partner, creating a sense of uniqueness. |
Devaluation | Gradual undermining of the partner’s self-worth through projection and criticism. |
Discard-Reconciliation Sequences
When the relationship reaches a breaking point, covert narcissists often resort to the discard-reconciliation cycle. This phase is emotionally exhausting, keeping you trapped in a loop of hope and disappointment.
Abandonment Timing Strategies
The discard phase often comes out of nowhere. One day, everything seems fine, and the next, they’re emotionally or physically distant. They might stop responding to your messages or suddenly criticize everything you do. This withdrawal isn’t accidental—it’s a calculated move to regain control. By pulling away, they make you desperate for their attention.
Timing is everything here. They often choose moments when you’re most vulnerable, like after an argument or during a stressful period in your life. This tactic plays on your fear of abandonment, making you more likely to chase after them.
Hoovering Tactic Variations
Just when you think it’s over, they pull you back in. This is the reconciliation phase, often referred to as “hoovering.” They might send you a heartfelt message, saying things like, “I’ve been thinking about us,” or “I can’t imagine my life without you.” These gestures are designed to reignite your hope and keep you in the cycle.
Hoovering can take many forms, from grand romantic gestures to subtle reminders of the good times. But it’s important to remember: this isn’t about genuine connection. It’s about maintaining control.
In my experience working with clients, this cycle is one of the most damaging aspects of relationships with covert narcissists. It keeps you emotionally tethered, making it hard to break free. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward reclaiming your sense of self and finding healthier connections.
The Emotional Impact On Partners Of Covert Narcissists
Emotional Exhaustion And Burnout From Constant Manipulation
Being in a relationship with a covert narcissist can feel like running a marathon you never signed up for. You’re constantly navigating their subtle manipulations, emotional games, and shifting moods. Over time, this emotional labor takes a toll, leaving you drained and questioning your own resilience.
Cycles Of Hope, Disappointment, And Emotional Turmoil
Covert narcissists often create a rollercoaster of emotions. One moment, they’re attentive and caring, making you believe the relationship is improving. The next, they withdraw or criticize, leaving you confused and hurt. This cycle of hope and disappointment keeps you emotionally hooked, always striving for the connection you once felt. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? You might find yourself replaying conversations, wondering what went wrong or how you could’ve done better.
Research shows that interpersonal stressors, like manipulative behaviors, significantly contribute to emotional exhaustion. Studies highlight how individuals in such relationships often develop cynicism as a coping mechanism, trying to shield themselves from the constant emotional toll. But this distancing doesn’t solve the problem—it just adds another layer of emotional turmoil.
Trust Issues And Emotional Trauma Development
When someone manipulates you repeatedly, it’s hard to trust them—or anyone else. Covert narcissists often twist your words, deny your experiences, or make you feel overly sensitive. Over time, this erodes your ability to trust not just them but also your own judgment. You might start second-guessing yourself, wondering if you’re the problem.
Studies on workplace dynamics reveal that manipulative behaviors, like gaslighting, lead to emotional exhaustion and even trauma. While these studies focus on professional settings, the findings apply to personal relationships too. The constant questioning of your reality can leave lasting scars, making it difficult to feel safe or secure in future relationships.
Erosion Of Self-Worth And Confidence Over Time
Covert narcissists have a way of chipping away at your self-esteem without you even realizing it. Their subtle criticisms and manipulative tactics can make you feel like you’re never enough, no matter how hard you try.
Psychological Power Maneuvers Effects
Have you ever noticed how they always seem to have the upper hand? Covert narcissists use psychological power plays to keep you feeling small. They might downplay your achievements or make backhanded compliments like, “That’s impressive—for someone like you.” Over time, these comments add up, making you doubt your abilities and worth.
In my experience working with clients, this erosion of self-worth is one of the most damaging aspects of covert narcissist failed relationships. It’s not just about what they say—it’s about how they make you feel. You start to internalize their criticisms, believing you’re not capable or deserving of better.
Responsibility Deflection Consequences
Covert narcissists rarely take accountability for their actions. Instead, they shift the blame onto you, making you feel responsible for their mistakes or shortcomings. For example, if they forget an important date, they might say, “You should’ve reminded me,” turning their failure into your fault. This constant deflection can leave you feeling guilty and inadequate, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
Over time, this dynamic creates a toxic cycle where you’re always trying to fix things that aren’t your responsibility. It’s exhausting and unfair, but it’s also a hallmark of how covert narcissists maintain control in relationships.
Conclusion
Covert narcissist failed relationships often stem from their inability to nurture genuine emotional connections. Their manipulative behaviors and fear of vulnerability create a cycle of dysfunction that leaves both partners feeling unfulfilled.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in this dynamic, know it’s not your fault. Recognizing these patterns early can help you protect your emotional well-being and make informed decisions about your relationships.
Remember, understanding these behaviors isn’t just about them—it’s about reclaiming your peace and self-worth. You deserve relationships built on trust, respect, and mutual care.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What makes covert narcissists different from overt narcissists?
Covert narcissists are more subtle. They often appear shy or insecure, masking their need for validation. Overt narcissists, on the other hand, are openly arrogant and attention-seeking. Covert narcissists manipulate quietly, making their behaviors harder to spot. This subtlety can leave you feeling confused and questioning your reality.
Can covert narcissists love their partners?
They may believe they love, but their actions often show otherwise. Their fear of vulnerability and need for control prevent genuine emotional intimacy. Love requires empathy and mutual respect, which covert narcissists struggle to provide. You might feel like you’re giving more than you’re receiving.
Why do covert narcissists avoid direct conflict?
They fear rejection and exposure. Instead of addressing issues head-on, they use passive-aggressive tactics or silent treatment. This allows them to maintain control without risking their fragile self-esteem. You might find yourself frustrated, trying to resolve conflicts that never seem to end.
How can you tell if you’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist?
Look for patterns. Do they dismiss your feelings, twist conversations, or make you feel guilty for their mistakes? Do you feel emotionally drained or question your self-worth? These are red flags. Trust your instincts if something feels off.
Is it possible to change a covert narcissist?
Change is rare and requires deep self-awareness, which covert narcissists often lack. Therapy can help, but only if they genuinely want to change. You can’t force someone to grow. Focus on your well-being instead of trying to “fix” them.
Why do covert narcissists use the silent treatment?
The silent treatment is a form of emotional punishment. It creates anxiety and makes you desperate for their attention. This tactic keeps you walking on eggshells, constantly trying to please them. It’s about control, not resolution.
How can you protect yourself from a covert narcissist?
Set boundaries. Don’t let them manipulate your emotions or make you doubt yourself. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. Remember, you deserve relationships built on trust and respect. Protecting your mental health should always come first.
Can covert narcissists maintain long-term relationships?
Long-term relationships are challenging for covert narcissists. Their emotional unavailability, manipulation, and fear of vulnerability create cycles of dysfunction. Over time, these patterns erode trust and intimacy, making sustainable relationships nearly impossible without significant change.