Have you ever dealt with someone who seems kind on the surface but constantly leaves you doubting yourself? That’s the hallmark of a covert narcissist. Unlike their overt counterparts, covert narcissists operate subtly, using manipulation instead of obvious arrogance.
They often rely on “flying monkeys” to do their dirty work—essentially enablers who unwittingly or willingly assist in their schemes. These individuals can be friends, family, or coworkers who spread lies, isolate you socially, or amplify the narcissist’s victim narrative.
The emotional toll of this dynamic is staggering. Studies show that individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which affects up to 5% of the U.S. population, are three times more likely to make false accusations.
This creates a ripple effect—damaged reputations, strained relationships, and a deep sense of betrayal. If you’ve ever felt blindsided by a group suddenly turning against you, you may have experienced the covert narcissist flying monkeys in action.
Key Takeaways
Hidden narcissists trick others by using ‘flying monkeys’—people who help them without knowing it.
They pick people who are kind or want to please, making them easy to control.
Hidden narcissists pretend to be friends by making someone else the bad guy, so others will join their side.
They use feelings to trick people; they act like victims to get sympathy and make others help them.
Flying monkeys spread lies, hurting the target’s reputation and confusing their friends and family.
Hidden narcissists use tricky words and sneaky questions to control talks and get secrets.
They often cause loneliness; they create fights or plans to keep their targets away from friends.
Knowing these tricks is important; setting limits and getting help can bring back your peace and happiness.
How Covert Narcissists Recruit And Deploy Flying Monkeys
Identifying Vulnerable Candidates
Vulnerability Assessment And Exploitation
Covert narcissists are skilled at spotting people who are easy to manipulate. They look for individuals who are overly trusting, eager to please, or struggling with their own insecurities.
If you’ve ever felt like someone was sizing you up during a casual conversation, it might have been a covert narcissist assessing your vulnerability. They exploit these traits by presenting themselves as a victim in need of support, pulling you into their web of manipulation.
Once they identify a potential flying monkey, they start planting seeds of doubt about their target. For example, they might say, “I don’t want to gossip, but I’m really hurt by how [the target] treated me.” This subtle approach makes the flying monkey feel like they’re helping someone in distress, while unknowingly becoming part of the narcissist’s scheme.
Creating A Secret Alliance Against A Common “Enemy”
To solidify their control, covert narcissists create a sense of camaraderie with their flying monkeys. They frame the target as a shared “enemy,” often exaggerating or fabricating stories to make their case. This tactic works because people naturally bond over shared grievances. You might hear phrases like, “I knew you’d understand—[the target] has always been so selfish.”
This alliance isn’t just about emotional manipulation; it’s strategic. The narcissist uses flying monkeys to gather information, spread rumors, and even confront the target indirectly. For instance, neighbors might start checking on the target unannounced, or friends might ask oddly specific questions, all under the narcissist’s influence.
Psychological Recruitment Tactics
Slow Indoctrination Through Seemingly Innocent Conversations
Covert narcissists don’t rush the process. They start with casual, seemingly harmless chats to build trust. You might find yourself nodding along as they share their “struggles” or vent about their “mistreatment.” Over time, these conversations become more pointed, subtly steering you toward their narrative.
This slow indoctrination is effective because it feels natural. You don’t realize you’re being manipulated until you’re already invested. For example, they might say, “I just don’t know how to handle [the target] anymore. They’ve been so cruel lately.” These statements are designed to make you question the target’s character, aligning you with the narcissist’s perspective.
Emotional Manipulation And False Victimhood
Playing the victim is a covert narcissist’s favorite tool. They use emotional manipulation to make you feel sorry for them, often exaggerating their hardships or twisting events to paint themselves as the injured party. This tactic creates a false sense of urgency, making you feel like you need to act on their behalf.
In my experience working with clients, I’ve seen how this can spiral out of control. One client shared how their narcissistic partner convinced mutual friends to confront them, claiming they were “emotionally abusive.” The friends genuinely believed they were helping, unaware they were being used as flying monkeys.
The emotional manipulation doesn’t stop there. Narcissists often create cognitive dissonance, making you question your own perceptions. You might feel torn between your loyalty to the narcissist and your doubts about their claims. This confusion keeps you trapped in their cycle, unable to see the bigger picture.
Tip: If you notice someone consistently framing themselves as the victim while subtly discrediting others, take a step back. Ask yourself if their narrative aligns with the facts or if it’s designed to manipulate your emotions.
Manipulation Techniques Covert Narcissists Use Through Flying Monkeys
Emotional Manipulation Strategies
Playing The Victim To Gain Sympathy
Covert narcissists are masters at playing the victim. They’ll spin stories that make them seem helpless or unfairly treated, tugging at your heartstrings. You might hear them say things like, “I’ve tried everything, but they just keep hurting me.”
These statements are carefully crafted to make you feel sorry for them and, more importantly, to recruit you to their side.
This tactic works because most people want to help someone in distress. But here’s the catch: their “distress” is often exaggerated or completely fabricated. For example, a friend of mine once shared how her ex-partner convinced mutual friends that she was “emotionally abusive.”
Those friends, believing they were helping, started confronting her on the narcissist’s behalf. This left her feeling isolated and betrayed, while the narcissist sat back, enjoying the chaos they had orchestrated.
Spreading False Narratives To Distort Reality
Another favorite tool in the covert narcissist’s arsenal is spreading false narratives. They’ll twist facts, omit key details, or outright lie to paint themselves as the hero or victim. This tactic not only damages the target’s reputation but also creates confusion among those involved.
For instance, a covert narcissist might tell a mutual friend, “I don’t know why they’re so angry with me. I’ve done nothing but support them.” This makes the target look unreasonable while the narcissist appears innocent. Over time, these false narratives can erode trust and make others question the target’s character.
In one case I encountered, a client faced parental alienation because their ex-partner—a covert narcissist—manipulated family members into believing they were neglectful. The narcissist exploited family loyalty, turning loved ones into flying monkeys. This left the client feeling isolated and doubting their own worth.
Shadow Character Assassination
The Whisper Campaign Strategy
Covert narcissists often engage in what’s known as a “whisper campaign.” This involves spreading rumors and gossip behind the target’s back, usually under the guise of concern. They might say things like, “I’m really worried about them. Have you noticed how they’ve been acting lately?” These subtle comments plant seeds of doubt in others’ minds without making the narcissist look bad.
What makes this strategy so effective is its stealth. The narcissist rarely delivers these messages directly. Instead, they rely on a “sidekick” who shares their worldview to spread the disinformation. This allows the narcissist to maintain plausible deniability, making it even harder for the target to defend themselves.
Covert narcissists often resort to smear campaigns when they feel threatened.
They spread lies to friends, family, or colleagues, positioning themselves as victims.
This behavior isolates the target and damages their reputation.
Selective Information Sharing And Distortion
Selective information sharing is another way covert narcissists manipulate through flying monkeys. They’ll share just enough truth to make their lies believable, leaving out key details that would provide context. For example, they might say, “They yelled at me for no reason,” conveniently omitting the part where they provoked the argument.
This tactic creates a distorted version of reality that’s hard to untangle. The flying monkeys, believing they have all the facts, act on the narcissist’s behalf, often confronting the target or spreading the distorted narrative further.
As a therapist specializing in narcissism, I’ve seen how damaging this can be. One client described how their coworker—a covert narcissist—used selective information to turn their boss against them. The coworker framed them as unreliable, leading to missed opportunities and strained workplace relationships.
Note: If you notice someone consistently sharing one-sided stories or omitting key details, take a step back. Ask yourself: What’s missing from this narrative?
Communication Patterns Of Covert Narcissist Flying Monkeys
Coded Language And Signaling
Seemingly Innocent Phrases With Hidden Meanings
Covert narcissist flying monkeys often use coded language to communicate manipulative messages. On the surface, their words may seem harmless, but they carry hidden meanings designed to influence or control.
For example, a flying monkey might say, “You should really think about what you’ve done,” which sounds like advice but is actually a subtle accusation. These phrases are crafted to make you second-guess yourself without directly confronting you.
History shows how coded language can be weaponized. During the Rwandan genocide, the phrase “go to work” was used as a signal for killing. While this is an extreme example, it highlights how seemingly innocent words can carry destructive intent.
In the context of narcissistic abuse, these phrases create confusion and make it harder for you to defend yourself because the language appears neutral to outsiders.
Loaded Questions Designed To Extract Information
Flying monkeys also use loaded questions to gather details about you or your relationships. These questions seem casual but are designed to dig deeper than you realize. For instance, they might ask, “Why don’t you talk to [the narcissist] anymore?” or “Did something happen between you two?” These questions aren’t innocent—they’re fishing for information to report back to the narcissist.
Loaded questions often put you on the defensive. You might feel pressured to explain yourself, which gives them the details they need to twist your words later. If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation feeling uneasy or exposed, you’ve likely encountered this tactic.
Tip: When someone asks a question that feels off, pause before answering. Ask yourself why they’re asking and whether they truly need to know.
Triangulation And Information Distortion
Message Alteration Between Parties
Triangulation is a classic manipulation tool used by covert narcissists, and flying monkeys play a key role in this. They act as messengers, relaying information between you and the narcissist. However, the messages are rarely accurate. A flying monkey might say, “They told me you’ve been really distant lately,” even if the narcissist never said that. This tactic creates tension and mistrust, making it harder for you to communicate directly with others.
Studies on narcissistic abuse show how triangulation can damage relationships. Narcissistic parents, for example, often compare their children to others, which lowers self-esteem and fosters competition for approval. Similarly, flying monkeys distort messages to create conflict, leaving you feeling isolated and misunderstood.
Strategic Omissions And Half-Truths
Flying monkeys also manipulate through what they don’t say. They might share just enough information to make their story believable while leaving out key details that would change the narrative. For example, they could say, “They were really upset with you,” without mentioning that the narcissist provoked the situation. These omissions create a distorted version of reality that’s hard to untangle.
Psychologists refer to this as projective identification, where narcissists project their unresolved emotions onto others, creating confusion and self-doubt. Flying monkeys amplify this by spreading incomplete or misleading information. Over time, this tactic can make you question your own perceptions, leaving you emotionally drained and unsure of who to trust.
Note: If someone shares a story that feels one-sided, consider what might be missing. Ask clarifying questions to get the full picture.
Why People Become Flying Monkeys For Covert Narcissists
Psychological Motivations
Desire To Please Or Avoid Conflict
Have you ever found yourself agreeing with someone just to keep the peace? That’s exactly how covert narcissists rope people into becoming flying monkeys. Many individuals have a strong desire to avoid conflict or make others happy, even at their own expense.
Covert narcissists exploit this tendency by presenting themselves as victims in need of rescuing. You might think you’re helping someone in distress, but in reality, you’re being drawn into their manipulative web.
People who enable narcissistic behavior often believe they’re doing the right thing. They might excuse the narcissist’s actions, thinking, “They’ve been through so much; they just need support.” This mindset makes it easier for the narcissist to manipulate them into acting on their behalf. Unfortunately, this well-meaning behavior only fuels the narcissist’s schemes and perpetuates the cycle of abuse.
Lack Of Awareness About The Narcissist’s True Nature
Not everyone recognizes a covert narcissist for who they truly are. Their charm and subtle manipulation can make them seem genuine, even likable. You might hear them share heartbreaking stories or see them act generously in public, which makes it hard to believe they could be manipulative behind closed doors.
This lack of awareness is a key reason people become flying monkeys. They don’t see the full picture and genuinely believe the narcissist’s version of events.
For instance, a covert narcissist might use love bombing—showering someone with affection and attention—to create a sense of loyalty. Once that bond is formed, the flying monkey feels obligated to defend or support them, often without questioning their motives.
Note: If someone’s actions don’t match their words, take a closer look. Covert narcissists often rely on appearances to mask their true intentions.
Social Influences And Pressures
Fear Of Becoming A Target Themselves
Imagine watching someone get publicly criticized or ostracized. Wouldn’t you want to avoid being in their shoes? This fear is another reason people become flying monkeys. Covert narcissists often create an environment where loyalty feels like the only safe option. If you don’t side with them, you risk becoming their next target.
This dynamic is especially common in workplaces or tight-knit social groups. A covert narcissist might subtly threaten someone’s reputation, saying things like, “I wouldn’t want people to think you’re siding with [the target].” These veiled threats push people to comply, even if they feel uneasy about it.
Groupthink And Peer Pressure Dynamics
Humans are social creatures, and the desire to fit in can be incredibly powerful. Covert narcissists know this and use it to their advantage. They create a narrative that paints the target as the “bad guy,” then rally others to agree with them. Once a group starts to believe the narcissist’s story, it becomes harder for individuals to question it.
This phenomenon, known as groupthink, makes people more likely to follow the crowd, even if they have doubts. For example, a covert narcissist might say, “Everyone agrees that [the target] has been acting selfishly.” Hearing this can make you second-guess your own perceptions and go along with the group to avoid standing out.
Tip: If you feel pressured to take sides, pause and evaluate the situation. Ask yourself if the group’s opinion is based on facts or just the narcissist’s narrative.
How Covert Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys For Social Isolation
Systematic Relationship Interference
Creating Artificial Distance Between Friends And Family
Covert narcissists excel at driving wedges between you and your loved ones. They use flying monkeys to create misunderstandings, spread rumors, or subtly question your character. These tactics make your friends and family second-guess their relationship with you.
For example, a flying monkey might say, “I heard [the narcissist] is really hurt by how you’ve been acting. Is everything okay?” This plants doubt and shifts the focus away from the narcissist’s behavior.
Over time, these small seeds of doubt grow into full-blown mistrust. You may notice friends becoming distant or family members avoiding you. This isn’t accidental. The narcissist carefully orchestrates these dynamics to isolate you, making it harder for you to find support or validation.
Flying monkeys often intervene in community settings, amplifying the narcissist’s narrative.
They may even manipulate professional systems, creating barriers that prevent you from accessing help.
If you’ve ever felt like your relationships are unraveling for no clear reason, this could be why.
Scheduling Conflicts To Prevent Support Network Access
Another sneaky tactic involves creating scheduling conflicts to keep you away from your support network. Covert narcissists might plan events that clash with your commitments or encourage flying monkeys to do the same. For instance, they might say, “Let’s have dinner on the same night [the target] has their therapy session.”
This strategy isn’t just about inconvenience. It’s about control. By disrupting your routine, they make it harder for you to maintain connections with people who could help you see through their manipulation. Over time, this isolation leaves you feeling trapped and alone.
Progressive Social Ostracization
Subtle Group Exclusion Tactics
Covert narcissists don’t always need dramatic gestures to isolate you. Sometimes, it’s as simple as leaving you out of group plans or ignoring your input during conversations. These subtle exclusion tactics can be devastating because they’re hard to prove. You might think, “Am I imagining this?”
In one workplace example, a faculty member shared how they felt excluded from departmental gatherings. They said, “I don’t belong to any prevalent group… my colleagues have their gatherings, and I’m not a part of them.” This kind of exclusion isn’t random. It’s a calculated move to make you feel invisible and unimportant.
Groups influenced by flying monkeys often ignore the target on purpose.
This lack of interaction reinforces the narcissist’s narrative, making you feel like the outsider.
Public Perception Management
Covert narcissists are masters at controlling how others see you. They use flying monkeys to spread false narratives, ensuring that your reputation takes a hit. For example, they might say, “I’m worried about [the target]. They’ve been acting so erratic lately.” These comments seem innocent but are designed to make others question your stability.
As the smear campaign progresses, you may notice people treating you differently. Friends might stop inviting you to events, or coworkers might avoid collaborating with you. This isn’t a coincidence. It’s the result of the narcissist’s deliberate efforts to isolate you socially.
Tip: If you feel like you’re being excluded or misunderstood, take a step back. Ask yourself if someone might be influencing how others perceive you.
The Impact Of Flying Monkeys On Targets Of Covert Narcissists
Emotional And Psychological Damage
Feelings Of Isolation And Betrayal
Have you ever felt like the people you trusted suddenly turned against you? That’s exactly what happens when covert narcissist flying monkeys are involved. They create a web of manipulation that leaves you feeling isolated and betrayed. These enablers often reject your identity, making you question your worth. You might hear whispers about your behavior or notice friends pulling away without explanation.
This rejection isn’t accidental. Flying monkeys are often fed selective information by the narcissist, which paints you as the villain. Over time, this constant manipulation chips away at your confidence. You start to wonder, “Am I really the problem?” This emotional turmoil can lead to feelings of worthlessness and despair.
Note: Studies show that gaslighting by flying monkeys can distort your perception of reality, leaving you confused and doubting yourself.
Increased Anxiety And Self-Doubt
The unpredictability of covert narcissists and their flying monkeys can leave you walking on eggshells. You never know when the next attack will come or who will deliver it. This constant state of hypervigilance creates chronic stress and anxiety. You might find yourself replaying conversations in your head, wondering if you said something wrong.
Research highlights how these tactics amplify feelings of betrayal and anxiety. When flying monkeys spread false narratives, it creates social pressure that makes you doubt your own perceptions. Over time, this can spiral into self-doubt, making it harder to trust your instincts or stand up for yourself.
Tip: If you notice yourself feeling anxious or second-guessing everything, take a step back. Ask yourself if someone might be manipulating your emotions.
Social Repercussions
Damage To Reputation And Relationships
Flying monkeys don’t just hurt you emotionally—they can wreak havoc on your reputation. Imagine being portrayed as paranoid or delusional while the narcissist and their enablers maintain a facade of reliability. This dynamic makes it nearly impossible to defend yourself.
One account describes how targets lose credibility as their pleas for help are dismissed. Friends and colleagues may start to believe the flying monkeys’ version of events, leaving you isolated. The damage doesn’t stop there. Your relationships with loved ones can suffer as they’re drawn into the narcissist’s narrative.
Loss Of Trust And Support Systems
When flying monkeys spread lies, they don’t just harm your reputation—they erode your support system. Friends and family may distance themselves, unsure of what to believe. This isolation deepens your emotional distress, making it harder to rebuild trust.
The long-term effects can be devastating. You might find it difficult to form new relationships, fearing betrayal or manipulation. The emotional scars left by these experiences can linger, impacting your self-esteem and ability to connect with others.
Callout: Victims often experience guilt, shame, and confusion due to the actions of flying monkeys. These feelings can persist, affecting future relationships and overall well-being.
Why Covert Narcissists Depend On Flying Monkeys
Avoiding Direct Accountability
Using Others To Carry Out Manipulative Tactics
Covert narcissists are experts at dodging responsibility. Instead of confronting situations head-on, they use flying monkeys to do their dirty work. These enablers unknowingly (or sometimes knowingly) carry out manipulative tactics like spreading rumors, gaslighting, or even confronting you directly.
This way, the narcissist stays in the shadows, keeping their hands clean while chaos unfolds around them.
Think about it—if someone else delivers the hurtful message or spreads the lie, the narcissist can easily deny involvement. They might say, “I had no idea they’d say that!” or “I never told them to do that.” This plausible deniability makes it nearly impossible to hold them accountable.
Research shows that covert narcissists rely on flying monkeys to reinforce their manipulative strategies. By delegating these tasks, they not only avoid direct confrontation but also undermine your credibility. It’s a win-win for them, but a nightmare for you.
Maintaining Their Image As Innocent Or Blameless
One of the biggest reasons covert narcissists depend on flying monkeys is to protect their carefully crafted image. They want to appear as the victim, the hero, or the misunderstood genius—anything but the villain. Flying monkeys help them maintain this facade by echoing their narrative and defending their actions.
For example, a narcissist might tell their enablers, “I’ve tried so hard to make things work, but they just keep hurting me.” The flying monkeys, believing this sob story, spread it to others. Suddenly, you’re painted as the bad guy, and the narcissist looks like a saint.
A survivor, Molly, shared her story about how her narcissistic partner staged dramatic events to frame her as unstable. She said, “He told everyone I was suicidal and that he was doing his best to help me. Meanwhile, he was the one isolating me and spreading lies. I lost my closest friends because of him.”
This manipulation isn’t just about avoiding blame—it’s about controlling how others see them. And unfortunately, it often works.
Reinforcing Control And Delusions
Creating A Sense Of Power Over The Target
Covert narcissists thrive on control. By using flying monkeys, they create a network of influence that keeps you in check. These enablers act as their eyes and ears, reporting back on your actions and even confronting you on their behalf. This constant surveillance can make you feel trapped, like you’re always being watched or judged.
The narcissist’s goal is to make you feel powerless. When flying monkeys confront you with accusations or spread false narratives, it’s not just about the immediate damage—it’s about reminding you who’s in charge. They want you to feel like you have no allies, no escape, and no way to fight back.
Seeking Validation For Their Distorted Worldview
Let’s face it—covert narcissists live in their own reality. They see themselves as victims or heroes, even when their actions say otherwise. Flying monkeys play a crucial role in validating this distorted worldview. By agreeing with the narcissist’s narrative and acting on their behalf, these enablers reinforce the illusion that the narcissist is always right.
For instance, a narcissist might say, “Everyone agrees that you’re the problem.” Even if this isn’t true, hearing it from multiple people (the flying monkeys) can make you question yourself. This validation isn’t just about ego—it’s about control. The more people they have on their side, the harder it is for you to stand up to them.
Covert predators often use smear campaigns to slander reputations and manage public perception.
These tactics can occur in workplaces, families, or social circles, creating an environment where the narcissist’s version of events becomes the dominant narrative.
By surrounding themselves with enablers, covert narcissists create an echo chamber that drowns out any dissenting voices. It’s a calculated strategy to keep you isolated and maintain their grip on the situation.
Conclusion
Covert narcissists thrive on manipulation, and flying monkeys are their secret weapon. These enablers, often unaware of the harm they cause, help isolate you, spread false narratives, and amplify the narcissist’s control. The emotional toll? Isolation, anxiety, and a deep sense of betrayal. As one heartbreaking example shows, a friend facing parental alienation lost family support because flying monkeys unknowingly fueled the narcissist’s lies. It’s a painful reminder of how these tactics can unravel your life.
But here’s the good news—you can fight back. Start by recognizing the abuse for what it is. This isn’t about your worth; it’s about their need for control. Set firm boundaries, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Surround yourself with people who truly understand and support you. And if you’re feeling overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Therapists trained in trauma recovery can guide you toward healing and help rebuild your confidence.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What exactly are “flying monkeys” in the context of narcissistic abuse?
Flying monkeys are people the narcissist manipulates into doing their dirty work. They might spread rumors, confront you, or isolate you socially. These individuals often believe they’re helping the narcissist, unaware they’re being used as tools of manipulation.
Why do covert narcissists rely on flying monkeys?
Covert narcissists use flying monkeys to avoid direct confrontation and maintain their innocent image. By delegating manipulative tasks, they keep their hands clean while still controlling the situation. It’s all about power and avoiding accountability.
Are flying monkeys always aware of their role?
Not always. Many flying monkeys genuinely believe the narcissist’s victim narrative. They think they’re helping someone in need. Others might suspect manipulation but go along with it to avoid becoming a target themselves.
How can I tell if someone is acting as a flying monkey?
Look for people who suddenly question your actions or repeat the narcissist’s claims. They might ask loaded questions like, “Why are you so distant lately?” or spread subtle doubts about your character. Their behavior often feels coordinated.
Can flying monkeys ever realize they’re being manipulated?
Yes, but it’s rare. Once they see the narcissist’s true nature, they might feel betrayed and step away. However, this requires self-awareness and a willingness to question the narcissist’s narrative, which isn’t easy for everyone.
How can I protect myself from flying monkeys?
Set firm boundaries and avoid engaging in their drama. Limit what you share with them, and don’t feel obligated to defend yourself. Surround yourself with people who truly know and support you. Therapy can also help you navigate these dynamics.
Is it possible to stop a narcissist from using flying monkeys?
Unfortunately, you can’t control the narcissist’s behavior. What you can do is focus on protecting yourself. Recognize their tactics, stay grounded in your truth, and build a strong support system to counteract their influence.
Why do flying monkeys believe the narcissist over the target?
Covert narcissists are skilled storytellers. They play the victim convincingly, often twisting facts to gain sympathy. Flying monkeys, especially those who are empathetic or conflict-averse, fall for this act because it feels genuine.