Have you ever felt something is “off” with a grandparent? They might seem kind, but their actions confuse or upset you. This could mean they are a covert narcissist grandparent.
Unlike loud, attention-seeking narcissists, covert ones act quietly. Their actions can harm relationships and create family stress.
Noticing these behaviors isn’t just useful—it’s important. It helps you protect your feelings and build better family bonds. Let’s learn how to spot and handle these actions well.
Key Takeaways
Covert narcissist grandparents often act kind to hide their true selves. This makes it hard to notice their tricky behaviors.
Watch for emotional tricks, like guilt trips or comments that seem caring but are actually mean.
Set clear rules with grandparents to keep your family happy and relationships healthy.
Notice if they show favoritism; it can make kids feel bad and compete with each other.
Teach your kids to spot bad behaviors and talk openly about their feelings.
Understand that covert narcissists might use guilt or money to control family members.
If a grandparent’s actions hurt your family, think about spending less time with them.
Write down any bad moments to see patterns and explain your concerns better.
Identifying The Covert Narcissist Grandparent
Subtle Behavioral Patterns That Reveal Covert Narcissism
The Difference Between Normal Aging And Narcissistic Behavior
Do you ever wonder if your grandparent’s actions are just aging or something more? It’s easy to mix up normal aging habits with covert narcissism. Many older people repeat stories or want attention, but covert narcissists go further. They need constant praise and approval, often in sneaky ways.
For instance, a covert narcissist grandparent might take over family talks, always bringing up their successes. They might ignore your feelings and focus only on themselves. This isn’t just forgetfulness or aging—it’s a pattern of thinking they’re more important than others.
Aging can cause memory slips or less empathy sometimes. But covert narcissists often ignore others’ feelings and use tricks to stay in control. If you see these behaviors, it’s good to pay closer attention.
Hidden Pride Behind A Modest Appearance
Covert narcissists are great at hiding their true selves. They might seem humble or even put themselves down. But deep inside, they feel superior. They might say, “I’m just an old fool,” while hoping you’ll praise their wisdom or past deeds.
You might notice how they talk about their sacrifices for the family, making you feel like you owe them. Or they compare themselves to others, hinting they’re better. This fake modesty makes it hard to see their true nature, but once you notice the pattern, it becomes clear.
Key Behaviors In Grandparent-Family Relationships
Fake Concern Hiding Emotional Distance
Does your grandparent act worried but leave you feeling unsupported? Covert narcissists are good at pretending to care while staying distant. They might say, “I’m just worried about you,” but their actions don’t show real support. Instead, they might judge your choices or make you feel bad.
I’ve seen families struggle with this. One person shared how her grandma’s “concern” always came with judgment. This made her feel guilty and defensive, stopping real connection. If this sounds familiar, it could be emotional manipulation pretending to be care.
Unrealistic Expectations For Grandchildren
Covert narcissist grandparents often expect too much from their grandchildren. They might praise one child for doing well in school but quietly criticize another for not being perfect. These high standards aren’t to help the child—they’re to make the grandparent feel good.
For example, a grandfather might demand perfect manners or top grades, punishing mistakes with coldness. One family told me their child, once happy to visit his grandpa, started dreading it. The constant pressure to be perfect hurt his confidence and happiness.
If you see this happening, it’s important to protect your child’s feelings. No grandparent should make a child feel like they’re only valuable if they’re perfect.
Traits of Covert Narcissist Grandparents
Passive-Aggressive Actions
Hidden Criticism Pretending To Be Care
Has your grandparent ever said, “I’m just worried about you, but maybe this isn’t for you”? It might sound caring, but it feels like a hidden insult. Covert narcissist grandparents are skilled at hiding criticism as concern. They may comment on how you parent or your job choices in ways that make you doubt yourself.
For example, they could say, “I know you’re trying your best, but don’t you think the kids need more rules?” It’s not openly mean, but it makes you question yourself. Over time, these small remarks can hurt your confidence. You might start doubting your choices, even when you know they’re right for your family.
Using Silence To Control
Has a grandparent ever stopped talking to you without saying why? This is called the silent treatment, and it’s a common passive-aggressive tactic. Covert narcissist grandparents use it to punish or control you. They might pull away or refuse to talk until you “fix things,” even if you don’t know what went wrong.
This creates an unfair balance of power. You feel nervous and try to fix things, while they stay in control. It’s not just being quiet—it’s a way to play with emotions and keep control in the relationship.
Acting Like A Victim
Pretending To Be The Victim For Sympathy
Covert narcissist grandparents often act like they’re always the victim. They might say, “I’ve done so much for this family, and no one cares.” This isn’t just complaining—it’s a way to make you feel guilty and focus on them.
I’ve seen families deal with this problem. One person shared how her grandma always talked about her sacrifices, turning family events into guilt trips. This behavior isn’t about building closeness; it’s about keeping attention on their supposed struggles.
Using Guilt To Control Family
Guilt is a strong tool, and covert narcissist grandparents know how to use it. They might say, “I guess I’ll just sit here alone since no one visits me.” These comments are meant to make you feel bad and put their needs first.
This can trap you in a cycle of trying to please them, even if it hurts your own happiness. Noticing this pattern is the first step to stopping it.
Craving Attention
Getting Praise Without Asking
Covert narcissist grandparents want attention but won’t ask directly. Instead, they hint or tell stories to get compliments. For example, they might say, “I used to work three jobs to support everyone,” hoping you’ll admire them.
This need for praise can hurt real connections. I heard about a grandfather who always wanted recognition from his grandkids. Instead of spending quality time together, he focused on getting their admiration, which hurt their bond.
Using Grandkids To Feel Important
Grandkids often become a way for covert narcissist grandparents to feel good about themselves. They might brag about their grandchild’s success, not to celebrate the child, but to make themselves look better.
This puts a lot of pressure on kids. They may feel like they have to be perfect to keep their grandparent happy. Over time, this can lower their confidence and make the relationship harder.
The Manipulation Tools Of Covert Narcissist Grandparents
Common Tricks They Use
Turning Family Members Against Each Other
Does your grandparent seem to play favorites or cause drama? This is called triangulation, a sneaky tactic they use. They might share half-truths or twist facts to create problems. For example, they could say, “Your mom thinks you don’t visit enough,” even if it’s not true. This causes mistrust and breaks family bonds.
Triangulation isn’t just gossip—it’s about control. By keeping family members upset with each other, they make sure everyone depends on them. Over time, this can ruin trust and make family relationships harder.
Studies from the Journal of Family Therapy show how these actions harm families over time. If not stopped, they can pass down through generations, creating ongoing problems.
Making You Doubt What’s Real
Gaslighting is another trick they use. Have they ever said, “That didn’t happen,” when you know it did? Covert narcissist grandparents use this to make you question yourself. They might deny past events or change stories to fit their version.
For instance, if you bring up something hurtful they said, they might reply, “You’re overreacting. I was joking.” Over time, this makes you doubt your feelings and memories. It’s a way for them to stay in control and avoid blame.
Research from the Journal of Abnormal Psychology shows that kids of narcissistic parents often blame themselves too much. This comes from gaslighting and can leave deep emotional wounds. Spotting this behavior is key to stopping it.
Emotional Tricks In Family Life
Using Guilt To Control You
Does your grandparent say things like, “After all I’ve done, this is my thanks?” This is guilt induction, a way to make you feel bad and do what they want. They act like their sacrifices mean you owe them forever.
For example, they might remind you how they “gave up everything” for the family. This makes you feel like you must always meet their needs. But this isn’t love—it’s about control.
Research in Psychological Medicine shows these patterns can cause anxiety and low self-esteem. Recognizing this is the first step to breaking free.
Creating Confusion To Stay In Charge
Covert narcissist grandparents like to keep you guessing. They might praise you one day and criticize you the next. This keeps you unsure and always trying to please them.
They also act helpless to make you feel guilty. For example, they might say, “I’m just an old, lonely person. No one cares about me.” This seems like a cry for help but is often a way to make you put their needs first.
The American Psychological Association says these actions create confusion and insecurity. This makes it hard to set boundaries and gives them more control. Over time, this can lead to a toxic family environment.
Strategic Control Methods Of Covert Narcissist Grandparents
Gift-Giving And Financial Manipulation
The Hidden Agenda Behind Generosity
Have you ever gotten a gift that felt like a trap? Covert narcissist grandparents often use gifts to control others. Their presents may seem nice, but they often have hidden reasons. They might expect you to feel loyal or overly thankful in return.
For example, a grandparent might give your child an expensive toy. Later, they remind you of their “sacrifice” over and over. This isn’t real kindness—it’s a way to make you feel like you owe them. Psychologist Thomas Stanley calls this “economic outpatient care.” He explains that financial help can create dependence instead of independence.
Control Method | Description |
|---|---|
Gift-Giving | Gifts come with strings attached, used to gain loyalty or control. |
Financial Manipulation | Inheritance or money is used to control family members, causing competition or stress. |
These actions can trap you in a cycle of feeling obligated. It’s important to notice when a gift is genuine and when it’s a way to control you.
Creating Financial Dependency Among Family Members
Covert narcissist grandparents often use money to keep others dependent on them. They might offer help during hard times but make sure you can’t move forward without their support. This keeps them in charge of your choices.
Studies show that financial help can lead to unhealthy reliance. While it may seem like they’re helping, it often replaces emotional connection with control. Instead of helping you grow, it keeps you stuck needing them.
Money gifts can lead to unhealthy dependence.
Generosity may hide poor emotional bonds, offering little long-term benefit.
“Economic outpatient care” shows how financial help can trap people in reliance.
If you’ve ever felt trapped by financial help from a grandparent, you’re not alone. Understanding this pattern can help you set limits and take back control of your life.
Religious And Moral Authority As Manipulation Tools
Weaponizing Spiritual Beliefs Against Family Members
Does your grandparent use religion or morals to make you feel bad? Covert narcissist grandparents often use beliefs to control others. They might say things like, “A good child wouldn’t act this way,” or, “God wouldn’t approve of what you’re doing.”
This isn’t about faith—it’s about power. By making their opinions sound like moral rules, they make it hard for you to disagree. This can cause a lot of stress, especially if you care about their approval.
The Moral High Ground As A Silencing Technique
Taking the moral high ground is another way covert narcissist grandparents control others. They act like they know everything about right and wrong. For example, they might say, “I’ve lived longer, so I know better,” or, “I’ve always done what’s best for this family.”
This makes you feel like your opinions don’t matter. It’s a way to stay in charge while seeming virtuous. If you’ve ever felt like you can’t win an argument with them, this could be why.
Noticing these tricks is the first step to protecting yourself. You don’t have to accept guilt or manipulation disguised as advice. Setting boundaries can help you stay independent and true to your own values.
Triangulation Dynamics Created By Covert Narcissist Grandparents
How They Cause Problems Between Family Members
Turning Kids Against Their Parents Quietly
Has your grandparent ever made your child doubt you? Covert narcissist grandparents are skilled at creating small divides between parents and kids. They might say, “Your mom is so busy; I’m the one here for you.” It may sound caring, but it makes your child question your role as a parent.
This often looks like “helping.” For example, they may babysit but then criticize your parenting behind your back. Comments like, “I don’t know why your dad won’t let you stay up late—he’s too strict,” can make your child doubt your rules. Over time, these remarks can harm trust and create tension between you and your child.
Acting Like The “Better Parent” To Grandkids
Covert narcissist grandparents often try to seem like the “better parent.” They might give gifts or special treatment to appear more fun or kind than you. They may say, “I let your mom do this at your age, but she’s stricter now,” which quietly undermines your parenting.
This isn’t about love—it’s about control. By becoming the “favorite,” they make your child feel closer to them than to you. This can lead to confusion and loyalty struggles for your child in the long run.
Secret Ways They Share Information
Sharing Only Certain Details To Stay In Charge
Covert narcissist grandparents are experts at sharing selective information. They might tell one family member something but hide it from others, causing confusion. For example, they could say, “Your sister thinks you’re not doing enough for me,” even if it’s untrue. This trick, called triangulation, keeps everyone uneasy and makes them the center of attention.
By controlling what people know, they hold power. You might start doubting your relationships with others, unsure of who to trust. This isn’t accidental—it’s a planned way to keep everyone relying on them.
Using Kids To Spread Messages
Have you noticed your child repeating things your grandparent said that upset you? Covert narcissist grandparents often use kids to deliver subtle insults or create drama. For instance, your child might say, “Grandma said you don’t visit her because you’re always working.”
This puts kids in the middle of adult issues, which is unfair and harmful. It also lets the grandparent avoid direct conflict while still causing problems. Over time, this can hurt your bond with your child and make family time more stressful.
Tip: If you see these behaviors, talk openly with your family. Let your child know they don’t need to pass messages or pick sides. This can reduce the grandparent’s control and protect your family’s emotional health.
Favoritism And The Golden Grandchild Dynamic
How Grandparents Pick Favorites Among Grandchildren
Spotting The “Golden Grandchild”
Have you noticed one grandchild gets all the attention? This isn’t by chance. Covert narcissist grandparents often pick a “golden grandchild” to favor. This child gets extra praise, gifts, and privileges. But why do they do this?
These grandparents choose their favorite based on traits that make them look good. It could be good grades, looks, or a personality similar to theirs. They’ll say things like, “You’re so smart, just like me,” while ignoring or criticizing other grandchildren.
This favoritism isn’t about love—it’s about control. By favoring one child, they create competition in the family. Research shows narcissistic grandparents compare kids to cause rivalry. For example:
They praise one child’s success but ignore another’s hard work.
They use these comparisons to get attention and feel important.
If this sounds familiar, it’s not your imagination. It’s a planned way to keep everyone seeking their approval.
The Role Of The Scapegoat
While one grandchild is favored, another becomes the scapegoat. This child gets blamed for problems or criticized unfairly. They might hear things like, “Why can’t you be more like your cousin?” or “You’re always causing trouble.”
The scapegoat is often the child who doesn’t follow the grandparent’s rules or meet their expectations. Over time, this treatment can hurt their confidence and leave emotional scars.
Covert narcissist grandparents use this imbalance to stay in control. By making grandchildren compete, they keep their position as the center of attention.
The Lasting Effects Of Favoritism
How It Shapes Grandchildren’s Identities
Favoritism doesn’t stop affecting kids when they grow up. It changes how they see themselves and their relationships. The golden grandchild might grow up needing constant praise to feel good. The scapegoat might feel unworthy or unsure of their value.
Studies show how these roles affect identity:
Favored kids may tie their worth to achievements and fear failure.
Scapegoated kids may struggle with low self-esteem and fear rejection.
Both roles come with challenges. The golden grandchild feels pressure to stay “perfect,” while the scapegoat battles feelings of not being good enough.
Hurting Sibling And Cousin Bonds
Favoritism doesn’t just hurt individuals—it damages sibling and cousin relationships. When one child is favored, others may feel jealous or angry. This creates a toxic environment where siblings and cousins compete instead of supporting each other.
A study on family dynamics found:
Behavior Type | Description |
|---|---|
Siblings compete due to the grandparent’s favoritism. | |
Golden Child vs. Scapegoat Roles | Unequal treatment creates rivalry and tension. |
Threat Perception | Siblings see each other as threats, not allies. |
Reporting Encouraged | Grandparents push kids to tattle on each other. |
These issues don’t just go away. They can cause lifelong problems, making it hard for siblings and cousins to trust each other.
If you see these patterns in your family, it’s important to address them. Talking openly and setting boundaries can help stop the cycle and protect your family’s well-being.
The Public Facade Versus Private Reality
Social Presentation Versus Private Reality
The Public Grandparent Persona
Does your grandparent seem perfect in public? Covert narcissist grandparents are great at looking kind and caring. They might help at events, praise their grandkids in front of others, or tell stories about their sacrifices. To everyone else, they seem loving and selfless.
But this is often a “False Self” they create. Studies show narcissists use this image to avoid feeling rejected. It’s not real kindness—it’s about keeping their grand image alive. As they get older, they may try even harder to seem superior, showing off more to get admiration.
Behind Closed Doors: The Reality Family Members Experience
At home, things can be very different. Covert narcissist grandparents may act controlling or overly emotional. They might demand constant attention or use guilt to keep you close. Their “advice” often feels more like criticism.
Kids notice this too. One child asked, “Why is Grandma mean to Grandpa?”—a sad sign of hidden problems. In private, these grandparents might use grandkids to manipulate parents, causing emotional pain that others don’t see.
You might also see them favor one grandchild while treating others unfairly. This is very different from how they act in public. It can leave you feeling confused and alone, wondering why no one else sees the truth.
Impact On Family Dynamics
Creating A Toxic Environment
The private actions of a covert narcissist grandparent can harm the family. Their tricks—like guilt, gaslighting, and playing people against each other—cause stress and mistrust. You might start doubting your memories or relationships.
This doesn’t just hurt adults. Kids who see these behaviors may feel confused and unsure. They might feel pressured to be perfect or stuck between parents and grandparents. Over time, this can hurt their confidence and emotional health.
Undermining Parental Authority
Covert narcissist grandparents often try to weaken your role as a parent. They might quietly criticize your parenting or act like they know better. Saying things like, “I let your mom do this at your age,” can make your child question your rules.
This isn’t about helping—it’s about staying in control. By creating small gaps between you and your child, they keep their influence strong. Watching this happen can be upsetting, especially when it affects the trust you’ve built with your child.
Tip: If you see these behaviors, talk about them openly. Set firm boundaries to protect your family and keep your relationships healthy.
Frequently Asked Questions
How Can I Identify A Covert Narcissist Grandparent?
It can be hard to spot a covert narcissist grandparent. They often hide their real intentions behind kindness or modesty. But there are clues to watch for. Do they always look for compliments, even in sneaky ways? For example, they might say, “I don’t know how I raised such a great family,” hoping you’ll praise them. Or they may act like they care about you but leave you feeling judged.
Another warning sign is when they act like a victim. They might say, “I’ve done so much for this family, and no one cares,” to make you feel guilty. They also like to create confusion. Have they ever twisted your words or denied saying something? This is called gaslighting, a common manipulation trick.
Psychologists have studied this behavior. Research in the Journal of Personality Disorders shows covert narcissists use passive-aggressive actions and emotional tricks to stay in control. If you notice these behaviors, trust yourself. You’re not imagining it.
Tip: Keep track of their actions, either in your head or on paper. It’s easier to see patterns when you step back and review everything.
What Should I Do If My Grandparent Tries To Manipulate My Family?
First, stay calm. It’s normal to feel upset when someone you love tries to manipulate your family. The best thing to do is set clear boundaries. For instance, if they criticize your parenting, you can say, “Thanks for your concern, but I’m confident in my choices.” This shows you’re firm without starting a fight.
Also, talk openly with your family. If your grandparent tries to cause problems between you and someone else, address it directly. You could say, “Grandma told me this—did she say the same to you?” This helps clear up confusion and keeps your family strong.
As a therapist, I’ve seen families struggle with guilt over manipulative grandparents. Remember, protecting your family’s feelings isn’t selfish—it’s important. Dr. Craig Malkin, a Harvard psychologist and author of Rethinking Narcissism, says, “The best way to deal with a narcissist is to stop giving them control.”
Note: If their behavior becomes too much, think about talking to a therapist. They can guide you in setting boundaries and handling the situation better.
Can A Covert Narcissist Grandparent Change Their Behavior?
This is a tough question, and the answer isn’t simple. Change is possible, but it doesn’t happen often. Covert narcissists usually don’t see their actions as harmful. They often think they’re the victim, which makes it hard for them to take responsibility.
Still, some experts believe small changes can happen with strong boundaries and therapy. A study in Clinical Psychology Review found that therapy focusing on empathy and self-awareness can help narcissists improve. But here’s the catch: they have to want to change. Without that desire, it’s unlikely they’ll improve.
So, what can you do? Focus on what you can control—your actions and limits. If they won’t change, it’s okay to spend less time with them or even cut ties. Your happiness and your family’s well-being come first.
Reminder: You’re not responsible for fixing them. They have to want to change, and it’s not your job to make that happen.
How Do I Protect My Children From A Covert Narcissist Grandparent?
Keeping your kids safe from a covert narcissist grandparent can feel hard, but it’s possible. The key is to stay prepared and set clear rules. Here’s how you can do it step by step:
Set Clear Rules
Make sure to create strong boundaries. For example, if your grandparent criticizes your parenting in front of your child, address it right away. You can say, “We don’t discuss parenting choices in front of the kids.” This shows their behavior won’t be allowed.Limit Time Alone
Covert narcissists often try to influence kids when no one else is around. To stop this, avoid unsupervised visits. If they want time with your child, make sure you or another trusted adult is there.Teach Kids About Feelings
Help your children understand when someone’s behavior isn’t okay. Use simple words like, “If someone makes you feel bad, tell me.” This helps them feel safe and confident to speak up.Show Healthy Relationships
Let your kids see what respect and kindness look like. When they watch you stand up for yourself, they’ll learn to do the same.Talk Openly
If your child seems upset after seeing their grandparent, ask gentle questions. For example, “How did you feel when Grandma said that?” This helps them share their feelings and gives you clues about what’s going on.
Tip: If the grandparent uses guilt or favoritism to upset your child, explain it in a way they can understand. For example, “Sometimes people say things to feel better about themselves, but it’s not your fault.”
Is It Ever Okay To Stop Contact With A Covert Narcissist Grandparent?
Deciding to stop contact with a grandparent is tough. It’s not easy, but sometimes it’s the best choice for your family.
Ask yourself these questions:
Is their behavior hurting my child emotionally?
Do they keep ignoring the rules we’ve set?
Are they causing stress or problems in our family?
If you answer “yes” to most of these, it might be time to think about reducing or ending contact. Studies from the Journal of Family Psychology show that toxic relationships can harm kids’ mental health. Protecting your child’s well-being should always come first.
Here’s how to handle it:
Start Slowly: Cut back on visits or calls little by little. This gives everyone time to adjust.
Be Honest: If you decide to stop contact, explain calmly. You could say, “We need to focus on keeping our family happy and healthy.”
Get Support: Talk to a therapist or a trusted friend. They can help you deal with the emotions that come with this decision.
Note: Choosing to stop contact isn’t mean. It shows you care about your family’s happiness. As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist, says, “Sometimes walking away is the kindest thing you can do.”
Remember, many families face similar challenges. By taking these steps, you’re protecting your child and building a healthier future for your family.
Conclusion
Understanding how a covert narcissist grandparent acts is very important. Their tricks—like playing people against each other or showing love only when it benefits them—can cause deep emotional pain. These actions don’t just hurt you; they can also change how your kids see themselves and others.
Spotting these behaviors helps you take control. Make clear rules, talk honestly with your family, and focus on what keeps you happy. You don’t have to let guilt or control become normal. With smart steps, you can limit their impact and build a safer, happier space for your family.
Tip: Their actions don’t decide your family’s future. You can protect your loved ones and help them grow emotionally.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Why do covert narcissist grandparents behave this way?
Their actions come from insecurity. They want approval but fear being rejected. By controlling family situations, they feel important. Studies in the Journal of Personality Disorders show how covert narcissists use quiet methods to stay in charge without direct conflict.
Note: Their behavior isn’t about you. It’s their way of dealing with their own struggles.
Can boundaries really work with covert narcissists?
Yes, but you must be consistent. Covert narcissists test limits often. If you calmly stick to your rules, they’ll adjust over time. For instance, if they criticize your parenting, say, “That’s not up for discussion.” Repeating this helps them understand what’s not allowed.
Reminder: Boundaries protect your peace. You’re not being rude—you’re being healthy.
What if they deny their actions when confronted?
This happens a lot. Covert narcissists may gaslight you by saying, “You’re imagining things” or “I’d never do that.” Stay calm and focus on facts. Instead of arguing, say, “I felt hurt when you said that,” and keep the focus on your feelings.
Tip: Write down incidents in a journal. This helps you stay clear and confident when talking to them.
How can I help my kids understand their behavior?
Teach your kids to trust their feelings. If a grandparent’s actions upset them, encourage them to talk about it. Say, “It’s okay to feel that way. Let’s discuss it.” This helps them build emotional strength and spot unhealthy behavior.
Example: If your child says, “Grandma made me feel bad,” acknowledge their feelings and explain, “Sometimes people say things to make themselves feel better.”
Is it possible to keep a relationship with a covert narcissist grandparent?
It depends. If their behavior is manageable and they respect boundaries, limited contact can work. But if they keep hurting your family emotionally, reducing or ending contact might be the best choice.
What are signs my grandparent is manipulating me?
Look for guilt trips, sneaky criticism, or favoritism. Do they say things like, “After all I’ve done for you,” or compare you to others? These are warning signs. Manipulation often leaves you feeling bad, confused, or not good enough.
Can therapy help me handle a covert narcissist grandparent?
Yes, therapy can help you set boundaries, manage guilt, and protect your mental health. A therapist can also help you process feelings and create plans for tough situations.