Have you ever felt like someone keeps pulling you back, even when you try to move on? That’s how covert narcissists operate. Their tricks aren’t loud or obvious—they’re sneaky and planned to confuse you.
They use actions like giving too much attention, then suddenly ignoring you, which are classic covert narcissist hoover examples. This creates a cycle of trust, confusion, and neediness. You might even start doubting yourself and spend hours trying to figure out their mixed signals.
Knowing these covert narcissist hoover examples can stop you from falling for them again. Being aware is your best protection. But how can you notice these sneaky moves before they pull you back in?
Key Takeaways
Quiet narcissists often act like victims to trick your feelings. Learn their habits to avoid being fooled.
Fake apologies happen a lot. If someone says, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way,’ they might not take the blame.
Timing matters for quiet narcissists. They often contact you when you’re very happy or sad to take control.
Gifts and ‘nice’ messages can have secret reasons. Trust your gut if something feels off.
Watch out for people pretending to need help. Fake health or money problems are ways to pull you back.
Quiet narcissists might use your friends or family to make you feel guilty. Be careful of their tricks.
Talking about old happy times can be used to control you. Notice if someone uses memories to manipulate you.
1. Playing The Victim: Classic Covert Narcissist Hoover Examples
How Covert Narcissists Use Victimhood To Manipulate
Sharing Emotional Pain To Gain Sympathy
Have you seen someone often talk about their past problems, even when it doesn’t fit the moment? Covert narcissists are skilled at this. They share their emotional pain on purpose to make you feel sorry for them. This isn’t random—it’s a planned way to pull you back into their world.
For example, they might say, “I’ve felt so lost since you left,” or “No one gets me like you do.” These words aren’t just about their sadness. They’re meant to make you feel bad for leaving. Studies show covert narcissists often act like victims to control others and avoid blame. This can confuse you and make you wonder if you’re the one who’s wrong.
Spotting Patterns In Their Stories
If you look closely, you’ll see a pattern in their tales. They often act like the hero who’s been treated unfairly by everyone. Whether it’s a fight with a friend or trouble at work, they’re always the misunderstood victim. This isn’t random—it’s a trick to play with your emotions.
Here’s a simple breakdown of their tactics:
Evidence | Description |
|---|---|
They make you feel connected to their struggles, creating guilt. | |
Emotional Control | This bond lets them subtly control and influence you. |
By spotting these patterns, you can avoid falling into their trap. Remember, they don’t want to heal—they want to keep you emotionally tied to them.
Recognizing Emotional Guilt-Tripping Tactics
Fake Apologies And Their Effects
Have you ever heard an apology that didn’t feel real? Covert narcissists are great at this. They might say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which makes it seem like your fault. These fake apologies confuse you and make you question your feelings while they avoid taking any blame.
This trick can leave you feeling unsure and guilty. Research shows covert narcissists use guilt, intimidation, or passive-aggressive actions to get their way. By making you feel like the “bad guy,” they take control without admitting they’re wrong.
Making You Feel Responsible For Their Problems
Another sneaky tactic is making you feel like you owe them because of their struggles. They might exaggerate their issues or even make up problems to get your sympathy. For example, they could say they’re having money troubles or health problems, even if it’s not true.
The goal isn’t to fix these problems—it’s to make you feel like you need to help. This creates a cycle where you keep giving, and they keep taking. Over time, this can leave you drained emotionally and mentally.
Tip: If someone keeps using their problems to guilt you into helping, pause and think. Ask yourself if their actions feel honest or manipulative.
2. False Apologies And Promises Of Transformation
Why Fake Apologies Are Misleading
The “I’ve Changed” Trick Explained
Have you heard someone say, “I’ve changed,” but their actions don’t match? Covert narcissists use this trick often. They claim they’ve grown or learned something new, but it’s usually fake. These promises are meant to make you doubt your choice to stay away.
For example, they might say, “I’ve been working on myself and understand what went wrong.” This sounds honest, but their behavior stays the same. They may even mention therapy or self-help books to seem believable. If you look closely, you’ll see they aren’t really trying or changing.
Pretending To Use Therapy Words
Covert narcissists often use therapy terms to sound convincing. They say things like “self-awareness” or “emotional growth” to make you believe they’ve improved. But this is usually just talk. They copy these words without doing the hard work to change.
For instance, they might say, “I’ve been thinking a lot and know I need to communicate better.” This sounds good, but it’s often a rehearsed line to win you back. Real change takes effort and responsibility, which they usually avoid.
Note: True growth doesn’t happen overnight. If someone says they’ve changed quickly, think about their real intentions.
How To Spot Fake Promises
Acting Reflective Without Real Change
Covert narcissists pretend to reflect on their actions. They might say, “I’ve been thinking about how I hurt you,” but their actions don’t match their words. This makes you feel hopeful but also unsure. They may even share fake stories of struggles to seem vulnerable, but these are often exaggerated.
Their words and actions don’t align. For example, they might promise to support you but disappear when you need help. This mismatch confuses you and makes it harder to hold them accountable.
Blame-Shifting In Fake Apologies
Have you noticed apologies that feel like they blame you? Covert narcissists are good at this. They say things like, “I’m sorry if you felt hurt,” which makes it seem like your fault. These fake apologies avoid responsibility and make you feel bad for asking for more.
They mix truth with lies to confuse you. For example, they might share a story about past trauma to get your sympathy. While some parts may be true, they twist details to seem like the victim.
By spotting these tricks, you can avoid falling for their fake promises. Pay attention to actions, not just words, and set boundaries when things feel wrong.
3. Strategic Timing Of Covert Narcissist Hoover Attempts
Timing is key for a covert narcissist. They don’t reach out randomly. Instead, they plan carefully to catch you off guard. Whether you’re happy or struggling, they know when to reappear. This timing helps them make the biggest impact on your emotions.
How They Use Timing To Manipulate
Showing Up During Emotional Highs Or Lows
Have you noticed they appear when you’re sad or celebrating? This isn’t by accident. Covert narcissists use your emotional ups and downs to their advantage. When you’re feeling low, they act caring and supportive. But their real goal is to pull you back under their control.
They also show up during happy times, like birthdays or promotions. They might say, “I’m so proud of you,” to make your success about them. This keeps them in your life, even when you’ve tried to move on.
Common tactics include:
Switching between cold and overly kind behavior.
Using your emotions to stay in control.
Spotting Patterns In Their Contact
If you watch closely, you’ll see patterns in how they reach out. They often disappear for a while, then suddenly send messages. This isn’t random—it’s meant to keep you guessing and emotionally hooked.
For example, they might vanish for weeks, then send a message like, “I was thinking about you.” It seems innocent, but it’s planned to test if you’ll respond. Recognizing these patterns can help you break free from their tricks.
Using Special Dates To Reconnect
Anniversaries And Birthdays As Tools
Special days, like anniversaries or birthdays, are perfect for covert narcissists to reappear. They might send a message like, “Remember our first anniversary?” This stirs up old feelings and makes you question cutting ties.
Sometimes, they’ll send gifts that seem thoughtful. But the goal isn’t to celebrate you—it’s to make you feel like you owe them a response.
Holiday Season Manipulation
Holidays are another time they strike. They know emotions run high during this season. They might send a “Happy Holidays” text or show up uninvited. These actions seem harmless but are meant to reconnect with you.
They might also play the victim, saying, “The holidays are so hard without you.” This makes you feel guilty and tempted to let them back in.
Tip: If their timing feels too perfect, trust your instincts. Their actions are often planned, not innocent.
4. “Innocent” Messages And Covert Gift-Giving Tactics
The Hidden Agenda Behind Small Gestures
Understanding The Meaning Behind Narcissistic Gifts
Have you ever gotten a gift that felt strange? Covert narcissists use gifts to send hidden messages. These aren’t random—they’re chosen to remind you of them. For example, they might give you a book you once talked about or a souvenir from a trip you took together. It seems thoughtful, but the real goal is to make you feel connected to them again.
Sometimes, these gifts have secret meanings only you would notice. A framed photo from a vacation might seem sweet, but it’s meant to make you rethink staying away. These gifts often come with invisible strings attached. They’re used to keep you emotionally tied to the narcissist.
Tip: If a gift feels like it’s trying to pull you back, trust your instincts. Real gifts don’t come with hidden motives.
When Narcissists Use Gifts To Manipulate
Covert narcissists don’t give gifts randomly. They wait for moments when you’re feeling weak or emotional. It could be your birthday, a holiday, or a hard time in your life. They show up with a perfectly timed gift, making it hard to ignore them. This isn’t kindness—it’s a way to get back into your life.
For example, they might send flowers after a breakup or a card when you’re stressed. These actions seem caring, but they’re planned to make you feel like they’re the only one who understands you. By choosing the right moment, they make their actions more powerful and harder to resist.
How To Spot Manipulative Communication
Social Media Tricks To Get Your Attention
Have you noticed them liking your posts or commenting after being silent for weeks? This isn’t random. Covert narcissists use small actions to see how you’ll react. A “Like” on an old photo or a comment like “This reminds me of us” can make you feel confused and curious.
These actions are subtle but planned. They want you to wonder if they miss you or want to reconnect. This keeps you guessing and gives them control over the situation.
Note: If their online behavior feels planned, it probably is. Look for patterns, not just one-time actions.
Hidden Messages In Simple Texts
“Innocent” messages are another trick covert narcissists use. They might text, “I saw something today that reminded me of you,” or “Hope you’re doing well.” These seem harmless but are meant to make you think about them and start talking again.
Sometimes, their messages include sneaky insults or fake compliments. For example, “I always admired how you move on so fast” sounds nice but feels like a dig. These words confuse you and make it hard to respond without feeling bad. Covert narcissists like this confusion because it helps them stay in control.
Tactic | Description |
|---|---|
Hoovering | Sending “innocent” messages to test your boundaries and regain control. |
Coded Messages | Simple texts with hidden meanings only you would understand. |
Backhanded Compliments | Insults disguised as compliments to confuse and upset you. |
Reminder: If a message makes you feel uneasy or unsure, think about the sender’s true intentions. Honest communication doesn’t leave you doubting yourself.
5. Pretending To Need Help: Vulnerability Exploitation
When someone asks for help, you might want to assist. But what if their request is just a trick to pull you back? Covert narcissists are experts at using fake struggles to control your feelings and actions.
Using Empathy To Take Control
Fake Health And Money Problems
Have you ever gotten a message about a sudden health scare or money issue? Covert narcissists often make up or exaggerate these problems to get your attention. They might say they’re very sick or about to lose everything. These stories are meant to make you feel like you must help them.
For example, they might say, “I’ve been so unwell and don’t know who else to ask,” or “I’m losing my home and thought of you.” These aren’t just cries for help—they’re planned moves to make you feel responsible. Studies show covert narcissists use fake care to connect with you while learning your weaknesses. This isn’t real kindness; it’s manipulation.
The “Helping You” Trick
Sometimes, they act like they’re helping you instead. They might give advice or offer help, but it comes with strings attached. For instance, they could say, “I only helped because I care,” but later use it against you. This makes you feel like you owe them something. Their support feels like a deal, leaving you stuck in an unfair relationship where they always win.
Tip: If someone’s help feels like a favor you’ll have to repay, pause and think. Real help doesn’t come with hidden costs.
Examples Of Fake Helplessness
Overstated Health Problems To Pull You Back
Covert narcissists often claim health issues to get your sympathy. They might say they’re very sick or recovering from something serious. While some of it might be true, they often make it sound worse to get your attention.
For example, they might say, “I’ve been in the hospital, and it’s been so hard without you.” This makes you feel like you’re leaving them when they need you most. By switching between being kind and distant, they keep you confused and tied to them emotionally.
Pretending To Be Broke To Depend On You
Another trick is acting like they’re in financial trouble. They might say they lost their job or can’t pay their bills, hoping you’ll step in to help. Sometimes, they pretend they can’t handle simple tasks to make you take care of them.
For instance, they might say, “I don’t know how to manage my money without you,” or “I’m so stressed; I just need a little help.” This isn’t about fixing their problems—it’s about making you feel needed. Over time, this leaves you tired and drained while they stay in control.
Reminder: If someone’s problems always seem to need your help, ask yourself if they’re being honest or just trying to manipulate you.
By spotting these tricks, you can protect yourself from their traps. True vulnerability seeks understanding, not control. Trust your gut and set boundaries when something feels wrong.
6. Leveraging Social Connections For Covert Hoovering
Covert narcissists often use people you know to pull you back. They involve friends, family, or mutual acquaintances to gather information or send messages. This can feel invasive because it uses those you trust. Let’s explore how they do this and ways to spot it.
How Covert Narcissists Use Friends And Family
Using Family Members To Send Messages
Have you ever heard a family member say, “I saw them, and they seemed so upset”? Covert narcissists are skilled at using others to make you feel guilty. They tell exaggerated stories to your loved ones, knowing these tales will reach you.
For example, they might say to your sibling, “I just wish I could explain myself,” or “I’ve been so lost without them.” These words aren’t about fixing things—they’re meant to make you feel bad. Your family unknowingly becomes their messenger, delivering emotional traps straight to you.
Evidence Description | Source |
|---|---|
Narcissists often use friends and family to isolate victims, spreading misinformation. | |
Friends and family may act as ‘flying monkeys’, engaging in manipulative behaviors. | |
Narcissists may criticize friends and family to isolate victims, planting doubt. |
Tip: If someone close to you starts sharing guilt-inducing messages, pause. Ask yourself if the information feels honest or manipulative.
Gathering Information Through Mutual Friends
Covert narcissists also use mutual friends to learn about your life. They might ask, “How are they doing?” or “Have they mentioned me?” This seems harmless but is actually a way to gather details about your emotions and boundaries.
Sometimes, they act concerned, saying, “I just want to make sure they’re okay.” This makes them seem caring, but their real goal is to find a way back into your life. By staying informed, they can plan their next move.
Reminder: If mutual friends ask specific questions about your life, think about whether they might be unknowingly helping the narcissist.
Triangulation And Proxy Hoovering Techniques
Sending Messages Through “Flying Monkeys”
“Flying monkeys” are people covert narcissists use to do their work. These messengers might say things like, “They really miss you,” or “They’ve been working on themselves.” This creates pressure, making you feel like others want you to reconcile.
Often, these messengers don’t realize they’re being used. They believe they’re helping. For example, a mutual friend might say, “They regret everything. Maybe you should give them another chance.” This isn’t just advice—it’s a planned move to make you doubt your decision.
Using New Relationships To Create Jealousy
Another tactic is showing off a new partner to make you feel insecure. They might post pictures or talk about how “happy” they are now. This isn’t about moving on—it’s meant to make you feel replaceable.
Sometimes, they compare you to the new person indirectly. For example, “They understand me in ways no one else ever has.” These comments are designed to make you question your worth.
Note: If they flaunt a new relationship while still contacting you, it’s manipulation, not happiness.
By recognizing these tactics, you can protect yourself from their attempts to use others against you. Trust your instincts, set boundaries, and remember: you don’t owe anyone access to your life, especially not someone who manipulates through your loved ones.
7. Nostalgia Exploitation And Shared History Mining
Using The Past To Reignite Connection
Talking About “Good Times” To Pull You Back
Has someone ever reminded you of a happy memory, only to later feel like it was a trick? Covert narcissists are very good at this. They bring up fun times to make you feel close to them again. For example, they might say, “Remember that trip we took? We laughed so much.” It sounds nice, but it’s planned to make you rethink staying away.
This works because happy memories can confuse your feelings. You might forget the bad things they did and focus on the good moments. They want you to see only the best parts of your relationship, not the hurtful ones. It’s like showing you a highlight reel while hiding the full story.
Changing The Past To Fit Their Story
Covert narcissists don’t just talk about memories—they change them. They twist events to make themselves look better or to excuse their actions. For example, they might say, “I only acted that way because I cared so much,” or “We were so happy before things got messy.” These words are meant to make you doubt your memories and feel bad for leaving.
They don’t just remember things differently—they rewrite the past to suit their version. Studies show narcissists often feel jealous about their partner’s past because they can’t control it. This insecurity makes them create a perfect version of history, making it harder for you to see the truth.
Using Sentimental Items To Trigger Feelings
Bringing Up Shared Keepsakes To Connect
Has someone ever returned an old gift or mentioned something special you shared? Covert narcissists use these items to pull at your emotions. They might say, “I found that book you gave me. It reminded me of how thoughtful you are.” It’s not really about the item—it’s about making you feel close to them again.
Sometimes, they’ll give back something you thought was lost, like a piece of jewelry or a note. It feels kind, but it’s a way to make you think about them. These items carry memories, and mentioning them is a trick to reconnect emotionally.
Using Social Media To Share Old Memories
In today’s world, covert narcissists use social media as a tool. They might post a photo collage or share a video of you both, tagging you or sending it directly. It seems sweet, but it’s another way to play with your feelings. Seeing those moments can make you miss them, even if you know better.
They might write captions like, “Can’t believe how much fun we had back then,” or “Miss these times.” These posts are meant to make you question your boundaries and wonder if things could go back to how they were. But remember, these actions are just another way to control your emotions.
Tip: If someone keeps bringing up old memories to make you feel guilty or nostalgic, pause and think. Are they truly trying to reconnect, or are they trying to manipulate you?
Conclusion
Spotting covert narcissist hoovering tricks is the first step to breaking free. These actions—like acting like a victim, lying about change, or using old memories—are meant to confuse and wear you out emotionally.
Here’s a simple summary of the seven examples:
Victimhood manipulation: They make you feel guilty for their problems.
False apologies: Fake promises of change keep you stuck.
Strategic timing: They show up when you’re weak or celebrating.
“Innocent” gestures: Gifts and messages often have hidden motives.
Pretending to need help: Fake problems take advantage of your kindness.
Social connections: They use friends or family to influence you.
Nostalgia traps: Old memories and items pull at your emotions.
🧠 Did you know? Tricks like these can cause emotional harm, leaving you confused and drained. Research shows hoovering uses guilt, lies, and gaslighting to serve the narcissist’s selfish needs.
Trust your gut. If something feels wrong, it likely is. Stay alert, set limits, and remember: you deserve relationships based on trust and care—not control.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What is hoovering, and why do covert narcissists do it?
Hoovering happens when a narcissist tries to pull you back after you’ve moved away. Covert narcissists use it to stay in control and get attention. It’s not about caring—it’s about power.
How can I tell if someone is hoovering me?
Watch for sudden apologies, fake problems, or random messages. If their actions feel planned or make you question yourself, it’s likely hoovering. Trust your instincts—they’re often right.
Why do covert narcissists act like victims?
They pretend to be victims to trick your empathy. By making you feel bad or responsible for their issues, they take control of your emotions. Studies show this is common in narcissistic relationships (Hare, 1999).
Are all apologies from covert narcissists fake?
Not all, but many are not real. They use apologies to avoid blame or make you feel bad. Real apologies mean taking responsibility and changing, which covert narcissists rarely do. Focus on their actions, not just their words.
Can hoovering happen through mutual friends or family?
Yes, it can. Covert narcissists often use friends or family to send messages or learn about you. This way, they stay involved without directly contacting you.
Why do covert narcissists bring up old memories?
They use happy memories to confuse your feelings. By reminding you of good times, they make you doubt your choice to leave. It’s a trick to pull you back emotionally.
How can I protect myself from hoovering?
Set clear boundaries and stick to them. Block their number if needed and avoid replying to manipulative messages. Therapy can help you stay strong and spot these tricks.
Is hoovering always intentional?
Most of the time, yes. Covert narcissists plan their actions to control you. Their timing, words, and gestures are carefully chosen to play with your emotions and test your limits.