You might ask why your relationship feels hard or tiring. In a covert narcissist relationship, you may see small but harmful patterns:
Marriages with covert narcissists end in divorce about 55% of the time.
Many people do not notice these signs because covert narcissists act quiet or seem humble.
People often believe narcissists are always loud and easy to spot. But covert narcissists use secret ways that can hurt your self-esteem.
Watch for these usual behaviors:
Passive-aggressive comments
Blaming you for problems
Starting arguments
Putting down your achievements
Never feeling happy
Getting upset over small things
Acting like your feelings do not matter
Expecting you to do everything
Changing between praising and putting you down
Key Takeaways
Covert narcissists may seem humble at first. They can hurt your self-esteem in sneaky ways.
Look for things like mean comments that are not direct. They may pull away from you or try to control you.
If your partner acts like a victim a lot, it can take attention away from your feelings.
Love bombing can make you think they care a lot. But it often causes a lot of ups and downs in your feelings.
If they do not really care about your life, it can mean they are not close to you.
Gaslighting can make you question your own thoughts. You may feel mixed up or worried because of this.
Make sure to set clear rules for yourself. Getting help from friends or experts can help you feel better.
Listen to your gut. If you feel sad or unsure all the time, you might need to think about your relationship.
Signs in a Covert Narcissist Relationship
Lack of Genuine Interest
Your partner may not ask about your day. They might act like they care, but it feels fake. If you share good news, they say, “That’s nice,” and talk about something else. You can feel ignored or not important.
If you talk about a problem at work, your partner listens but does not help. They seem bored or distracted. After a while, you may stop sharing because you expect no real answer. This can make you feel lonely, even when you are together.
Tip: If you feel like your partner does not listen, think about how they act. Real interest means asking questions, remembering things, and caring about your feelings.
Playing the Victim
A covert narcissist often acts like everyone is against them. They tell stories about people being mean or life being unfair. If you talk about your feelings, they change the topic to their own problems. For example, you say you are hurt by something they said. They reply, “You know things are hard for me. I can’t take more stress.”
This can make you feel bad for having needs. You may comfort them instead of talking about your own feelings. After some time, you notice you always say sorry, even if you did nothing wrong.
Note: If your partner always acts like the victim, you may be in a covert narcissist relationship. This makes you focus on their problems and not your own needs.
Sympathy-Seeking
Sympathy-seeking is common with covert narcissists. Your partner may say things like, “I’m not good enough for you,” or “No one cares about me.” These words make you feel sorry and want to help.
Covert narcissists use sympathy-seeking to hide their shame and insecurity. They may make you feel guilty or use emotions to control you. You might see that they need praise and comfort, even when nothing is wrong.
They use negative words to get you to comfort them.
They act helpless or make problems seem bigger to get your help.
Emotional tricks can make you feel like you must keep them happy.
After a while, you may feel tired from always cheering them up. You may forget your own needs because you spend energy caring for them.
Remember: If you feel like you always help your partner or give more than you get, this could be emotional manipulation in a covert narcissist relationship.
Love Bombing
Love bombing can seem wonderful at first. Your partner gives you lots of attention and says nice things. They might say, “I’ve never met anyone like you,” or “You are perfect for me.” These words make you feel important and wanted. In a covert narcissist relationship, this happens early and feels very strong.
You may see your partner acting very caring. They remember little things, send sweet notes, or give you gifts. This makes you feel close and think you found someone special. But this kindness hides what they really want. They want you to trust them and need their approval.
After this, things can change fast. The person who made you feel loved may start to pull away or say mean things. This cycle of being nice and then mean can happen many times. Each time your partner is nice again, you feel hopeful. This keeps you attached and unsure.
If your partner goes from loving to distant, you might be in a love bombing cycle. This is a common sign in a covert narcissist relationship.
Push-Pull Dynamic
The push-pull dynamic feels like a wild ride. One day, your partner is kind and warm. The next day, they act cold or say hurtful things. You never know what will happen. This makes you feel nervous and unsure.
Your partner may give you just enough love to keep you interested.
They might suddenly pull away or blame you, making you doubt yourself.
You may try hard to get back the good times.
This cycle makes your feelings go up and down. You may feel lost and worried, always hoping for the nice side to come back. The push-pull dynamic often happens because your partner fears closeness and wants control. In a covert narcissist relationship, this can make it hard to leave, even if you are unhappy.
Ask yourself: Do you always try to get your partner’s love back? If yes, you may be in a push-pull dynamic.
Emotional Withdrawal
Emotional withdrawal is another sign in a covert narcissist relationship. Your partner may stop sharing feelings or ignore yours. They might give you the silent treatment or act far away for days. This can make you feel lonely, even when together.
You may notice:
Your partner suddenly talks less to you.
They do not comfort or support you when you need it.
You feel like you must be careful not to upset them.
This can make you feel mixed up and worried. You may not know why your partner is loving one moment and distant the next. Over time, you might doubt your own feelings or blame yourself. Emotional withdrawal can also make you afraid of being left, which can hurt your confidence and future relationships.
Remember: If you feel lost, worried, or alone because your partner pulls away, it is not your fault. These are common effects of emotional withdrawal in a covert narcissist relationship.
Lack of Eye Contact
Have you seen your partner not look at you when you talk? In a covert narcissist relationship, not making eye contact is a quiet but strong sign. When someone does not meet your eyes, you might feel left out or like you do not matter. This can make you wonder if your feelings are important.
Covert narcissists often do not show real feelings. You might see your partner looking around the room or staring away when you share something personal. Their eyes seem far away, like they are not really there. This can make you feel unsure about your value in the relationship.
You may notice:
Your partner looks away when you share your feelings.
Their eyes look blank or lost during serious talks.
When you bring up problems, they avoid looking at you, especially if they feel upset.
Think about wanting to talk about a problem. You sit down and hope they will listen. But your partner checks their phone or looks away. You feel alone, even though you are together. After a while, this lack of connection can hurt your confidence and make you question your own feelings.
Tip: If you feel ignored or unseen, watch how your partner looks at you. Real connection means looking at each other with care. In a covert narcissist relationship, this simple act is often missing.
Red Flags in a Covert Narcissist Relationship
Manipulation
Manipulation is a big warning sign in these relationships. Your partner may use sneaky ways to control you. They do not use direct criticism like overt narcissists. Instead, they use quiet tricks. They might act like the victim or use passive-aggressive actions. Sometimes, they show fake emotional pain to get their way.
Here is a table that shows how manipulation tactics differ between covert and overt narcissists:
Type of Narcissist | Manipulation Tactics |
|---|---|
Covert Narcissist | Subtle, indirect methods such as victimhood, passive-aggression, and emotional manipulation through vulnerability. |
Overt Narcissist | Aggressive, direct methods including criticism and narcissistic abuse. |
You may see your partner act helpless or want pity. They might say, “No one understands me,” or “I always get hurt.” These words make you feel like you must make them happy. Covert narcissists use their weakness to make you care for them. They make you feel sorry for them, not proud. You may give more than you get, always trying to please them.
Common signs of manipulation include:
Your partner always wants all the attention.
They talk about themselves a lot.
They need people to admire them.
Their self-worth depends on others’ opinions.
They seem nice at first, but turn cold if unhappy.
If you see these things, you might be dealing with manipulation from a covert narcissist.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is another big warning sign. This trick makes you doubt what is real. Your partner may say they never did or said something. You might hear, “I never said that,” or “You are too sensitive.” After a while, you start to question your own memory and feelings.
Gaslighting can hurt you deeply. You may feel mixed up and unsure about what is true. Many people start to doubt themselves and lose confidence. Anxiety and sadness can happen. You may have trouble trusting your own thoughts and memories.
Effects of gaslighting include:
Lower self-esteem
Anxiety and sadness
Not trusting your own thoughts
Trouble focusing
Pulling away from friends
If you feel lost or unsure after fights, gaslighting may be happening in your relationship.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior happens a lot with covert narcissists. Your partner may not say what they feel. Instead, they show it with their actions. You might see them put things off, do things halfway, or be late on purpose. They may say they will help but never do it.
Examples of passive-aggressive behavior:
Pretending not to understand when you ask questions
Asking tricky questions to make you feel bad
Acting like the victim to get your sympathy
Leaving you out of things
Giving compliments that also sound mean
Ignoring you, then acting like nothing happened
Holding grudges but acting friendly
Using the silent treatment to punish you
When you talk to your partner, they may act like the victim or blame you. They may also pull away and stop talking. These tricks can make you feel guilty or unsure.
Tip: If you see these actions, trust your gut. Passive-aggressive behavior can be hard to notice, but it is a clear sign of a covert narcissist in a relationship.
Undermining Self-Esteem
Covert narcissists slowly hurt your self-esteem in quiet ways. You may not see it right away. After some time, you might doubt your own worth. This happens because they use small words and actions to make you feel less.
Think about sharing something you are proud of. Your partner might sigh or say, “That’s not a big deal.” You could hear, “Anyone could do that,” or, “You’re just lucky.” These comments seem okay at first, but they build up. You start to wonder if your achievements matter.
“You begin to feel like you are fading away. You ask yourself if you are good enough, even if you used to feel sure.”
Covert narcissists do not attack you openly. They use tiny insults, backhanded compliments, or ignore your wins. Sometimes, they compare you to others and say, “Why can’t you be more like them?” They may act bored when you talk about your goals. You might stop sharing your dreams because you expect them to react badly.
Common ways covert narcissists undermine your self-esteem:
Dismissing your feelings: They say you are “too sensitive” or “overreacting.”
Minimizing your achievements: They downplay your hard work or say it was easy.
Withholding praise: They rarely celebrate your successes.
Subtle comparisons: They point out others’ strengths to make you feel less.
Silent treatment: They ignore you when you need support.
These patterns can slowly break down your self-worth. You may feel mixed up about who you are. You might start to think you are not smart, talented, or lovable. This is not your fault. Covert narcissistic abuse often causes a broken sense of self-worth because of quiet tricks and mind games. Survivors may have trouble seeing what happened, which can make their self-esteem and identity weaker. This kind of abuse is not as obvious as other types, so the emotional pain is harder to spot and fix.
Let’s look at a real-life example. One client, Sarah, came to me after years with a covert narcissist. She said, “I used to feel strong and happy. Now, I question everything I do.” Her partner never yelled or called her names. He made small comments that made her feel unimportant. Over time, Sarah stopped trusting herself.
If you notice you feel less sure, more nervous, or unsure about your worth, pay attention. These feelings often mean someone is hurting your self-esteem.
You deserve to feel important and respected. Trust your feelings. If your partner’s words or actions make you feel small, see this as a warning sign. Building your self-esteem starts with noticing these patterns for what they are.
Impact on the Partner
Emotional Effects
Being in a covert narcissist relationship can make you feel very tired. You might feel sad, worried, or even like things will never get better. Many people in these relationships feel mixed up and unsure about their feelings. You may try hard not to upset your partner. This can make you feel stressed and worn out.
You might feel:
Depressed because of constant criticism and gaslighting.
Anxious since you never know your partner’s mood.
Worried that you are not good enough.
The covert narcissist slowly hurts your self-esteem with criticism and judgment. They compare you to others, which can make you lose who you are.
You might feel like you are disappearing. Your own needs and feelings seem to fade away as you focus on making your partner happy.
Psychological Consequences
The effects of a covert narcissist relationship are not just about feelings. You might start to doubt your own thoughts and memories. Gaslighting and manipulation can make you wonder what is real. After a while, you may feel confused or think you are the problem.
Common psychological effects are:
Not trusting your own judgment.
Feeling lost or mixed up.
Becoming codependent and putting your partner first.
Using unhealthy ways to cope, like substance abuse.
Partners of covert narcissists often feel confused and emotionally hurt. They may feel lost when their normal needs for love are called too much, which causes emotional pain.
You might also have trouble sleeping or feel jumpy and nervous. Some people get PTSD from the cycle of being treated well and then badly.
Isolation
Isolation happens a lot in a covert narcissist relationship. Your partner may stop sharing feelings, so you feel alone even when together. They might blame or criticize you, which makes you feel far apart and breaks trust.
Signs of isolation:
Your partner is not there for you emotionally.
They criticize and blame you, pushing you away.
They use tricks to make you doubt your friends or family.
You might stop talking to others because you feel embarrassed or scared they will not get it. This makes it harder to see what is really happening in your relationship.
How to recognize emotional manipulation:
Look for gaslighting, blame-shifting, and guilt-tripping.
Set healthy boundaries to keep yourself safe.
Take care of yourself to feel stronger.
Get help from friends or support groups.
Limit contact if you need to protect your mind.
If you see these signs, remember you are not alone. Many people have gone through the same things in a covert narcissist relationship. Trust your feelings and ask for help when you need it.
Conclusion
Spotting covert narcissism means you should trust your gut. Look for patterns like manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional withdrawal. These can make you feel alone or unsure about yourself. But you can get better and feel strong again.
To help yourself, try these steps:
Notice what happened to you.
Make clear rules for yourself and others.
Build up your confidence again.
Ask for help from friends or experts.
You should be treated kindly and feel happy. Believe in yourself as you start to heal.
Transform your Inner Chaos into authentic personal growth!
Stay informed on the latest research advancements covering:
Co-Parenting With A Narcissist
Frequently Asked Questions
What is a covert narcissist?
A covert narcissist hides their need for attention. They use quiet tricks to get what they want. Sometimes, they act like the victim or pull away from you. You may not see what they really want. This can make you feel mixed up or left out.
What are common signs I should watch for?
Emotional withdrawal
Passive-aggressive comments
Playing the victim
Undermining your self-esteem
How can I protect myself in a relationship with a covert narcissist?
Make clear rules for yourself. Speak up about what you need. Talk to friends or a therapist you trust. You should be treated with respect and care.
Why do I feel so confused and alone?
Covert narcissists use tricks and gaslighting. You may start to doubt your feelings or memories. Feeling mixed up is normal in this situation. You are not the only one.
Should I confront a covert narcissist about their behavior?
If you confront them, they may deny or blame you. You can share your feelings in a calm way. Focus on keeping yourself safe and healthy. Getting support from others can help you stay strong.