Last updated on May 1st, 2025 at 09:54 am
Have you met someone who seems nice in public but acts mean in private? That’s a covert narcissist. They excel at presenting a friendly demeanor in social settings, showcasing a stark contrast to their true nature. This is a prime example of covert narcissists’ public vs private behavior. When alone, they often act controlling, distant, and tricky.
Why do they behave like this? Studies show covert narcissists need praise and control. For instance, research found they react strongly when they feel ignored (X² = 8.75, p = 0.01). This craving for approval significantly influences their interactions, leaving you confused or doubting yourself.
Learning about this behavior helps you spot it. Once you notice the patterns of covert narcissists’ public vs private behavior, it’s easier to protect yourself from their emotional games.
Key Takeaways
Covert narcissists seem nice in public but act bossy and mean in private.
They pretend to be humble to get praise while hiding who they really are, making it hard to notice their tricks.
In groups, they act charming to gain trust, but they often just want attention and control.
Covert narcissists avoid blame in public and often make others take the fall to keep their perfect image.
They hide feelings to look tough, but this helps them control relationships more easily.
In private, they might confuse loved ones by lying or making them feel guilty, causing doubt about their own thoughts.
Seeing the difference between their public kindness and private meanness is important to protect yourself from their mind games.
Table: Covert Narcissist’s Public Vs Private Personas And Behavior
Features | Covert Narcissists’ Public Personas And Behavior | Covert Narcissists’ Private Personas And Behavior |
|---|---|---|
Public Persona | Friendly and charming to gain admiration. | Controlling and critical towards loved ones. |
Emotional Expression | Hides true feelings to appear strong. | Shows anger and insecurity behind closed doors. |
Attention Seeking | Uses modesty to attract compliments. | |
Conflict Management | Avoids confrontation to maintain image. | Blames others to escape responsibility. |
Social Interactions | Acts interested and supportive in groups. | Uses guilt and shame to control relationships. |
Public Behavior Of Covert Narcissists
The Friendly And Modest Act
How covert narcissists hide their true selves with modesty
Have you met someone who seems humble but loves attention? Covert narcissists are great at this. They act modest to hide their selfish side. By pretending to downplay their success, they make others feel at ease. But they’re not being truly humble. Instead, they want compliments or admiration. For example, they might say, “I’m not very good at this,” just to hear you disagree and praise them.
This fake modesty is a smart trick. It helps them fit in without looking too proud. You might think they’re shy or kind, but they’re actually building trust to control how you see them.
How they charm people in social or work situations
In social settings, covert narcissists seem like the perfect friend or coworker. They listen carefully, give advice, and act interested in others. At work, they might take on tasks to look helpful. For example, they may offer to help a new employee, not because they care, but to boost their image.
Their charm isn’t just in what they do. They also know how to talk in ways that make people like them. They might compliment someone’s outfit or remember small details about their life. These actions make them seem friendly and trustworthy.
Craving Attention And Praise
Quiet ways covert narcissists seek approval
Covert narcissists don’t loudly demand attention. Instead, they use sneaky ways to get noticed. They might share a story about their struggles to gain sympathy. Or they could mention an achievement casually, hoping you’ll praise them.
Another trick is acting like the underdog. They might talk about how hard they’ve worked or what they’ve overcome. This makes you feel like you should admire them. These methods help them get the attention they crave without being obvious.
How they control group situations to seem likable
In groups, covert narcissists are good at reading people. They know who to agree with and how to look like the “nice person.” For example, they might agree with the majority to avoid arguments. Or they might subtly criticize someone else to make themselves look better. They also like to play the peacemaker, solving problems to appear wise and kind.
This behavior can be hard to notice. You might think they’re just being helpful, but they’re really trying to control how others see them.
Avoiding Problems And Criticism
Ways they protect their public image
Covert narcissists work hard to keep their reputation clean. They avoid fights and stay away from criticism. Instead, they blame others or change the subject. For example, if a project fails, they might hint that someone else is at fault while acting innocent.
Studies back this up. Research shows covert narcissists manage their anger in public by using careful strategies. Their need for power shapes their actions, helping them avoid conflict while staying in control (β = 0.46, p < 0.001). This helps them keep their image spotless.
How they avoid blame in public
When things go wrong, covert narcissists rarely admit fault. They might act like a victim or make excuses. For example, they could say, “I would’ve done better if I had more help,” quietly blaming others while seeming modest. This helps them avoid responsibility and keeps their image clean.
Their skill at shifting blame is part of their plan. It lets them keep their “perfect” image while dodging consequences. You might not notice it unless you look closely.
Emotional Detachment In Public
Why covert narcissists hide their feelings in public
Have you seen someone who seems cold during friendly talks? Covert narcissists often hide their feelings in public. Why? They think showing emotions makes them look weak. They worry that being open might reveal their fears or give others control. So, they build a wall and keep their true feelings hidden.
This behavior isn’t random—it’s planned. By staying closed off, they seem calm and in control. For example, if someone shares a problem, a covert narcissist might say, “That’s hard,” instead of showing real care. They avoid deep emotions because it makes them feel unsafe.
Experts believe this comes from a fear of rejection or judgment. Dr. Craig Malkin, an expert on narcissism, says covert narcissists feel safer hiding their true selves. They prefer to seem neutral rather than risk looking flawed.
How staying distant helps them stay in charge
Keeping emotions hidden isn’t just for safety—it’s also for control. When covert narcissists don’t share feelings, they can control talks and relationships. Think about it: if someone never shows emotions, it’s hard to guess their thoughts or plans. This mystery gives them power.
For example, in a group argument, a covert narcissist might stay quiet. Their silence can make them seem wise, but it’s often a trick. By not picking sides, they avoid fights and keep their “perfect” image. Their emotional distance keeps others unsure, giving them more control.
This also helps them dodge blame. If they don’t show feelings, they can deny fault easily. For instance, if someone says they’re being mean, they might reply, “I didn’t mean it like that,” without solving the issue. Their distance makes it tough to challenge them.
In covert narcissists’ public vs private behavior, this emotional detachment is key. It helps them look calm and in control in public while hiding their fears and manipulative actions in private.
Private Behavior Of Covert Narcissists
Emotional Manipulation And Control
Gaslighting and confusing loved ones in private
In private, covert narcissists often make you doubt yourself. They might say, “That didn’t happen,” or, “You’re imagining things,” even when you know it’s true. This makes you question your feelings and memories. For example, if you tell them they hurt you, they might twist the story to make it seem like your fault.
They also lower your confidence in sneaky ways. They might say, “Anyone could do that if they tried hard enough,” to dismiss your success. These tricks keep you unsure and easier to control.
Did you know? Studies show covert narcissists use gaslighting and manipulation to control relationships. These actions can harm self-esteem and create emotional dependence.
Tactic | Description |
|---|---|
Gaslighting | Making someone doubt their memories or experiences. |
Manipulation | Using tricks to control or influence others emotionally. |
Passive-aggressive behavior | Avoiding direct conflict while showing hidden resistance. |
Intimidation | Using fear or threats to gain control over someone. |
Using guilt or shame to control relationships
Covert narcissists are skilled at making you feel guilty. They might say, “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?” This makes you feel bad and forces you to do what they want. They also use shame by pointing out your mistakes in a hurtful way.
These actions are not random. They are planned to make you feel small and dependent on their approval. Over time, this can leave you feeling stuck and unsure of yourself.
Passive-Aggressive Tendencies
Hidden insults and fake compliments in private
Have you ever been complimented but felt insulted? Covert narcissists are good at this. They might say, “You look nice today—for once,” or, “That’s a smart idea, but I’m surprised you thought of it.” These comments seem harmless but are meant to hurt your confidence. At first, you might laugh them off, but they can wear you down over time.
This behavior lets them show their anger without arguing directly. It keeps you guessing about what they really mean while they stay in control.
Silent treatment and ignoring as punishment
When upset, covert narcissists often give the silent treatment. They might avoid talking, ignore your calls, or give short answers. This isn’t just about being mad—it’s a way to make you feel bad and crave their attention.
The silent treatment can last for hours or even days. It’s a way to punish you emotionally, leaving you feeling lonely and unsure of what you did wrong.
Insecurity And Need For Reassurance
How private actions show their hidden doubts
Even though they seem confident in public, covert narcissists often feel insecure. In private, they might ask, “Do you think I’m good enough?” or look for compliments about their looks or skills.
This comes from their low self-esteem. They need constant reassurance, but no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. It’s like trying to fill a bucket with a hole—it’s exhausting and endless.
Always needing attention and approval from close ones
Covert narcissists want attention, especially from people close to them. They might interrupt you when you’re busy or act upset if they feel ignored. For example, if you’re talking to a friend, they might suddenly need your help with something unimportant just to get your focus back.
This constant need for attention can be overwhelming. It’s not just about being noticed—they want to be the center of your life. Over time, this can leave you feeling tired and frustrated because their needs always come first.
Shifting Blame And Playing The Victim
How covert narcissists avoid taking responsibility in conflicts
Have you argued with someone who always blames you? Covert narcissists are skilled at avoiding blame. Instead of admitting mistakes, they make it seem like your fault. For example, if they forget an important date, they might say, “You didn’t remind me,” or, “I’ve been so busy.” Suddenly, you feel bad instead of them.
This isn’t by accident—it’s planned. They avoid blame to protect their fragile ego. Admitting they’re wrong feels like losing control. To distract you, they might even bring up old problems. It’s like arguing with someone who keeps changing the topic.
Studies support this behavior. Research from 2003 showed narcissistic people often see themselves as victims. This belief helps them excuse their actions and avoid responsibility.
How playing the victim helps them control others
Covert narcissists often act like victims to gain sympathy. They might say, “Nobody cares about me,” or, “I’m always treated unfairly.” These words make you feel sorry for them, even if they caused the problem.
This isn’t just about pity—it’s about control. If you call out their bad behavior, they might reply, “I can’t believe you’d say that after all I’ve been through.” Instead of holding them accountable, you end up comforting them.
A 2020 study found that family members of narcissists noticed this victim behavior often. It leaves loved ones feeling tired and unsure. You might even question if you’re being too harsh.
Here’s what research shows:
Year | Study Type | Findings |
|---|---|---|
2003 | Quantitative | Narcissistic people often see themselves as victims more than others. |
2020 | Qualitative | Families of narcissists report a strong victim mindset in their behavior. |
To handle this, recognize the pattern. When someone shifts blame or acts like a victim, it’s about their control, not you. Set boundaries and trust your own feelings to deal with their tricks.
Why Covert Narcissists Act Differently In Public And Private
Protecting Their Image
Why they try to look ‘perfect’ in public
Covert narcissists care a lot about their reputation. In public, they act kind and humble to seem likable. They believe being admired keeps them safe from criticism. This “perfect” image helps them feel secure and accepted.
Have you met someone who seems nice in public but changes in private? That’s not by chance. Covert narcissists plan their behavior to gain trust. It’s like they’re actors trying to win an award for being the “Nicest Person.”
How society influences their public actions
Society praises people who seem kind and helpful. Covert narcissists know this and use it to their benefit. They act in ways that match what’s expected, like being a supportive friend or helpful coworker. But it’s not real kindness—it’s about looking good.
For example, at work, they might volunteer for tasks just to get noticed. They don’t care about helping; they care about applause. By following social rules, they stay admired without raising suspicion.
Fear Of Vulnerability
Why they hide their true feelings in public
Covert narcissists are scared of showing weakness. Sharing emotions feels dangerous because it might reveal their flaws. They worry people will judge them if they seem imperfect. So, they act calm and confident to hide their fears.
Studies show narcissists feel more vulnerable as they try to appear grand. This fear makes them keep their guard up in public. They’d rather seem distant than risk being criticized.
Why they show emotions only in private
In private, covert narcissists drop their act. They feel safer showing anger, frustration, or insecurity. They might lash out at loved ones or manipulate them to feel in control. It’s like they save their bottled-up feelings for those closest to them.
This happens because private spaces feel less risky. Without an audience, they let their guard down. Sadly, this often hurts their loved ones, creating a toxic environment.
The Need For Control
How they control their image in public and private
Control is very important to covert narcissists. In public, they act charming and avoid conflict to look good. At home, they use guilt, blame, or silence to control relationships.
For example, in a group, they might agree with everyone to fit in. But at home, they could criticize you for not supporting them. These different behaviors help them stay in control in both settings.
How power affects their actions
Power plays a big role in how covert narcissists behave. In public, they act nice to gain influence. Being likable gives them control over how others see them. At home, they use emotional tactics to dominate loved ones.
This isn’t random—it’s planned. By controlling power, they stay in charge everywhere, whether at work or home. It’s all about keeping control in their favor.
How To Spot The Differences In Covert Narcissists’ Behavior
Noticing Changes
Seeing the switch between public kindness and private criticism
Have you noticed someone acting differently in public and private? Covert narcissists are experts at this. In public, they seem kind—giving compliments, helping others, and being friendly. But in private, their behavior shifts. They replace kindness with criticism and use manipulation instead of help. For instance, they might praise a coworker’s idea in a meeting but later make fun of it in private, leaving you confused about their true self.
This change isn’t random. Covert narcissists carefully create a likable image in public to gain admiration. In private, they show their critical side. If someone seems overly nice in public but puts you down in private, it’s a warning sign to notice.
Signs of covert narcissists to look out for
It can be hard to spot covert narcissists because they’re subtle. Here are some clues to watch for:
Acting humble in public but bragging in private: They pretend to be modest but boast when alone.
Blaming others: They avoid blame in public but shift it to others in private.
Different emotions: They stay calm in public but may get angry or distant in private.
Watch for these patterns. The differences in how they act publicly and privately often reveal their true nature.
Knowing Their Reasons
Why covert narcissists’ need for praise causes their behavior
Why do covert narcissists act one way in public and another in private? It’s because they crave approval. In public, they act kind and friendly to get compliments and attention. This boosts their fragile self-esteem. But in private, their insecurities come out, leading them to control and manipulate those close to them.
For example, they might join a charity event to get praise but later complain about feeling unappreciated. This behavior shows how much they need approval, which drives their actions in both public and private settings.
Understanding the fears behind their two-faced behavior
Even though they seem confident in public, covert narcissists often feel insecure. They fear being judged or rejected, so they work hard to appear perfect. In private, these fears show up as controlling actions, mean comments, or emotional tricks.
Dr. Craig Malkin, a psychologist who studies narcissism, says covert narcissists use their public charm to hide their weaknesses. Knowing this can help you understand why they act so differently in public and private.
Effects On Relationships
How covert narcissists’ actions hurt loved ones emotionally
Being around a covert narcissist can be exhausting. Their private criticism and tricks can make you feel unsure of yourself. You might start doubting your worth or feel like you have to be extra careful not to upset them.
For example, they might praise you in front of others but criticize you when alone. This creates a cycle where you doubt yourself and seek their approval. Over time, this can harm your confidence and mental health.
How their behavior causes confusion and doubt in others
The big difference between a covert narcissist’s public kindness and private actions can leave you questioning what’s real. You might think, “Am I imagining this?” or “Why do they act so different when no one’s around?” This confusion is part of their plan. They use it to keep you unsure, making it harder for you to stand up to them.
Conclusion
Recognizing this pattern is important. Once you see the reasons behind their actions, you can set limits and take back control of your emotions.
Covert narcissists act like two different people in public and private. In public, they seem kind and charming to gain admiration. But in private, they often manipulate others and show insecurity. They act this way because they need praise and control.
Knowing these behaviors can help you stay safe from their tricks. Their kindness in public is fake—it’s just a mask. By learning about their actions, you can handle relationships better and avoid their traps.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Why are covert narcissists nice in public but mean in private?
They want approval and fear being judged. Acting nice in public helps them look good, while their private behavior shows their insecurities and need for control. This split behavior protects their fragile self-esteem and confuses others about their real motives.
How can you protect yourself from a covert narcissist?
Set clear boundaries and stick to them. Don’t let their guilt trips or tricks affect you. Learn to recognize their patterns and avoid getting pulled into their emotional games. If needed, talk to a therapist for advice on handling the relationship.
Do covert narcissists know what they’re doing?
Most don’t fully realize how manipulative they are. They often see their actions as self-defense or blame others for problems. Some may notice their behavior but find it hard to change because of deep insecurities.
Can you have a healthy relationship with a covert narcissist?
It’s very difficult. Covert narcissists usually put their needs first, which creates an unfair balance. A good relationship needs respect and fairness, which they rarely give. Therapy might help, but you’ll need to decide if it’s worth the effort.
What are some myths about covert narcissists?
People often think covert narcissists are harmless because they seem shy or humble. But their manipulative actions can be just as hurtful as overt narcissists. Another myth is that they lack confidence. In truth, they hide their insecurities with careful planning.
How can you spot a covert narcissist early on?
Look for mixed behaviors. Are they super nice in public but critical when alone? Do they pretend to be modest but secretly want praise? These small clues can show their true personality. Trust your gut if something feels wrong.