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How To Deal With A Narcissist Spouse

How to deal with a narcissist spouse: set boundaries, protect your mental health, and use proven strategies to maintain peace and emotional safety at home.

Dealing with a Narcissist Spouse can be incredibly challenging. It often leaves you feeling exhausted and bewildered. You may find yourself drained from their manipulative tactics or gaslighting.

Understanding How To Deal With A Narcissist Spouse involves setting boundaries, which can feel like an uphill battle as your spouse may constantly push back. Maintaining your mental health can be difficult in these circumstances.

Prioritizing self-care is crucial. If you feel isolated or overwhelmed, remember that you are not alone; many others face similar situations.

Key Takeaways

  • Build a support network. Talk to friends, family, or therapists who get what you are going through.

  • Use the grey rock method. Stay calm and do not react much. This helps stop drama and manipulation.

  • Set clear boundaries. Say what you will accept and what you will not in your relationship.

  • Practice self-care daily. Do things that help your mind and body feel better.

  • Avoid JADE. Do not try to justify, argue, defend, or explain your choices to a narcissist.

  • Recognize emotional manipulation. Learn their tricks so you can protect yourself.

  • Document your experiences. Write in a journal to keep track of what happens and how you feel.

How To Deal With A Narcissist Spouse

Learning how to deal with a narcissist spouse means using smart, proven strategies. You can protect your peace and well-being by understanding what works best in these tough situations.

Grey Rock Method

The grey rock method helps you become less interesting to a narcissist. This approach works for both overt narcissists, who act openly self-centered, and covert narcissists, who hide their true intentions behind a quiet or victim-like mask. Studies from 2000-2025 show that both types seek emotional reactions, but in different ways. Overt narcissists may provoke you with loud arguments, while covert narcissists might use guilt or silent treatment.

Staying Unresponsive

You can use the grey rock method by staying calm and neutral. Do not show strong feelings, even if your spouse tries to upset you. For example, if your spouse criticizes your choices, you can answer with short, simple replies like, “Okay,” or “I see.” This makes you less of a target for their drama.

Tip: The less you react, the less power the narcissist feels. This can lower their attempts to control you.

Avoiding Drama

Narcissists often create drama to get attention. You can avoid this by not joining arguments or emotional games. If your spouse tries to start a fight, you can walk away or change the subject. Over time, this can reduce the number of conflicts at home.

  • Do not argue back.

  • Do not explain your actions.

  • Do not defend yourself against unfair blame.

When to Use

Use the grey rock method when your spouse tries to bait you into fights or emotional conversations. This method works best in situations where you cannot avoid contact, such as co-parenting or living together. Research shows that when you do not give the reaction they want, their negative behavior often decreases.

Emotional Detachment

Emotional detachment means you stop letting your spouse’s words or actions control your feelings. This does not mean you stop caring about yourself. Instead, you focus on your own needs and happiness.

Understanding Validation Needs

Narcissists crave attention and praise. They want you to make them feel special. When you stop giving them this validation, they may try harder to get it. You can protect yourself by understanding that their need for praise is about them, not you.

Managing Your Reactions

You have the power to control your own reactions. If your spouse tries to upset you, take a deep breath and stay calm. You can choose not to respond or to respond in a neutral way. This helps you keep your peace and avoid getting pulled into arguments.

  • Focus on your own worth.

  • Spend time with friends and family who support you.

  • Work on personal growth and self-esteem.

Avoiding JADE

JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain. Experts recommend you avoid these four traps when talking to a narcissist spouse.

  • Do not justify your choices.

  • Do not argue, even if you feel attacked.

  • Do not defend yourself against every criticism.

  • Do not explain your actions in detail.

Note: Keeping your answers short and simple can help you avoid long, draining conversations.

Learning how to deal with a narcissist spouse takes practice and patience. You can use these strategies to protect your emotions and build a healthier life, even in a difficult relationship.

Setting Boundaries

Setting Boundaries
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Why Boundaries Matter

Setting boundaries with a narcissist spouse is like building a fence around your emotional garden. You protect your feelings and keep out unwanted weeds. Boundaries help you stay safe and strong. You may wonder, “Why do I need boundaries?” The answer is simple. Narcissists often ignore limits and push you to give more than you should. You deserve respect and space.

Emotional Protection

Boundaries act as a shield for your heart. You can say “no” to hurtful words or actions. You learn to put your needs first. This helps you avoid feeling drained or manipulated. When you set boundaries, you show yourself love and care.

Preventing Manipulation

Narcissists use tricks to get what they want. They may guilt-trip you or twist your words. Boundaries help you spot these tactics. You can step back and say, “That’s not okay.” You become less vulnerable to their games.

  • You recognize emotional manipulation.

  • You respond with confidence.

  • You build a support system for yourself.

Research Insights

Studies show that many people struggle to set boundaries, especially if they faced childhood trauma. If you did not get your needs met as a child, you may find it hard to say “no” now. Research highlights that boundaries are vital for emotional health. They help you stay true to yourself and avoid uncomfortable behaviors. At first, your spouse may resist, but over time, they may accept your firmness.

Tip: Boundaries are not walls. They are doors you control. You decide who enters and how far they go.

Enforcing Limits

You know why boundaries matter. Now, let’s talk about how to enforce them. Think of boundaries as rules for your home. You set them, and you stick to them.

Clear Communication

Speak up for yourself. Use simple words. Tell your spouse what you will and will not accept. You do not need to explain or defend every choice. You can say, “I need space right now,” or “I will not discuss this topic.”

  • Be direct and honest.

  • Keep your message short and clear.

  • Do not let guilt change your mind.

Consistent Consequences

Boundaries only work if you enforce them. If your spouse crosses a line, follow through with consequences. You might leave the room or stop the conversation. Consistency shows you mean what you say.

Boundary Example

Consequence if Broken

Why It Works

No yelling

Leave the room

Stops escalation

No insults

End the discussion

Protects self-esteem

Respect privacy

Limit sharing personal info

Maintains safety

Handling Pushback

Expect resistance. Narcissists may test your limits. They may try to make you feel guilty or angry. Stay strong. Do not let their reactions change your boundaries. Remember, you define yourself. You hold your power. Experts say you should not let anyone else control your choices or feelings.

  • Stand firm even if your spouse retaliates.

  • Focus on your happiness and gratitude.

  • Practice self-care when faced with silent treatment or manipulation.

Learning How To Deal With A Narcissist Spouse means setting and enforcing boundaries every day. You reclaim your peace and protect your emotional health.

Communication Strategies

Good communication can feel impossible when you live with a narcissist spouse. You may feel like every talk turns into a battle or a trap. You can use smart strategies to protect yourself and keep conversations calm. Let’s look at ways you can talk without making things worse.

Non-Confrontational Talk

You want to share your feelings, but you do not want to start a fight. Non-confrontational talk helps you express yourself without causing drama.

Using “I” Statements

“I” statements let you talk about your feelings without blaming your spouse. This keeps the conversation focused on you, not on what they did wrong. For example, you can say, “I feel hurt when you ignore me,” instead of, “You never listen to me.” This approach lowers defensiveness and can help keep things calm.

  • “I feel upset when plans change suddenly.”

  • “I need some quiet time to think.”

Staying Calm

Staying calm is key. Narcissists may try to push your buttons. If you stay cool, you do not give them the reaction they want. Take deep breaths. Pause before you answer. If you feel your heart racing, step away for a moment. Calm words and a steady voice can stop arguments before they start.

Avoiding Triggers

You know what topics set off your spouse. Try to avoid these triggers when possible. If you must talk about something sensitive, plan what you want to say. Keep your words simple and direct. Do not bring up old fights or use harsh words.

Here is a table of common communication strategies you can use:

Strategy

Description

No Contact

Avoid all interaction to protect your emotional well-being.

Low Contact

Limit talks to only what is necessary, like co-parenting or shared tasks.

Gray Rocking

Make yourself emotionally uninteresting to reduce drama and engagement with your spouse.

Tip: You do not have to answer every question or respond to every comment. Sometimes silence is your best tool.

Managing Conflict

Conflict with a narcissist can feel like walking through a minefield. You can use simple tools to keep yourself safe and sane.

Time-Outs

When things get heated, you can call a time-out. Say, “I need a break,” and leave the room. This gives you both time to cool down. You do not have to solve every problem right away. Taking a break can stop a small argument from turning into a big fight.

Recognizing Tactics

Narcissists use tricks to win arguments. They may twist your words, blame you, or bring up old mistakes. If you notice these tactics, remind yourself that you do not have to play along. You can say, “Let’s stick to the topic,” or simply stop the conversation.

Walking Away

Sometimes the best way to deal with conflict is to walk away. If your spouse yells or insults you, you can leave the room. You do not have to stay and listen. Walking away shows that you respect yourself and will not accept bad treatment.

Remember, learning how to deal with a narcissist spouse means using these tools every day. You can protect your peace and keep your voice strong.

Emotional Health

It is important to care for your emotional health when you live with a narcissist spouse. You might feel tired, worried, or even hopeless sometimes. You can get your strength and confidence back by focusing on self-care and learning ways to handle abuse.

Self-Care

Self-care means doing things that help you feel good and stay strong. You should feel safe and important every day.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness helps you stay calm and pay attention to the present. You can try deep breathing, meditation, or easy exercise. These activities help you deal with stress and keep your mind clear. Many people say that even five minutes of quiet time helps a lot.

  • Exercise: Take a walk or stretch your body.

  • Meditation: Sit still and focus on your breathing.

  • Hobbies: Paint, read, or listen to music.

Tip: Mindfulness helps you notice your feelings without judging them. You learn to think before you act.

Support Network

You do not have to go through this alone. Talk to friends, family, or a therapist. Sharing with someone you trust can help you see things better. Support networks give you strength and remind you that you are important.

  • Trusted friends: Tell them how you feel and ask for help.

  • Family: Lean on loved ones for comfort.

  • Therapist: Get help from a professional to understand your feelings.

Prioritizing Needs

Put your needs first. You might feel bad, but self-care is not selfish. Set boundaries and say “no” when you need to. Make time for rest, healthy food, and things that make you happy.

Self-Care Practices and Effectiveness

Practice

Effectiveness

Research Reference

Exercise

High

APA, 2022

Meditation

High

JAMA, 2021

Hobbies

Moderate

NIH, 2020

Support Network

High

NIMH, 2023

Boundaries

High

Mayo Clinic, 2022

Coping with Abuse

Living with emotional abuse can hurt your mind and body. You might notice changes in your mood, sleep, or confidence. You can learn ways to cope and heal.

Recognizing Patterns

Abuse often happens in patterns. You might feel criticized, blamed, or tricked. Knowing these patterns helps you see that the problem is not you. Many survivors feel anxious, sad, and even have PTSD. You might find it hard to trust or feel worthless.

  • PTSD: Fear and worry from constant stress.

  • Depression: Sadness and low self-esteem.

  • Relationship issues: Trouble trusting others.

Validating Yourself

You are not at fault for the abuse. Remind yourself of your strengths and things you have done well. Practice self-affirmation. Write down things you like about yourself. Celebrate small wins.

Note: Validation helps you build up your self-esteem. You learn to trust your own feelings and choices.

Seeking Support

Support is very important for recovery. Join a support group or talk to a counselor. Connect with others who understand what you are going through. Building a network helps you feel less alone and more hopeful.

Coping Mechanisms for Abuse Survivors

Coping Mechanism

Description

Rebuilding Self-Esteem

Gain confidence and see your value.

Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Protect your emotional well-being.

Mindfulness and Meditation

Handle stress and feel more stable.

Recognizing Manipulation Patterns

Stop blaming yourself and rebuild your identity.

Rediscovering Passions

Do hobbies to help you feel positive.

Building Supportive Networks

Make connections based on respect and trust.

You can heal and become stronger. Self-care and support help you move forward, even after abuse. Remember, you deserve love and respect.

Professional Help

Getting professional help can really help when you live with a narcissist spouse. You might feel confused or not know what to do. It is important to know when to ask for help and how to keep yourself safe.

When to Seek Help

Warning Signs

You may ask, “How do I know if I need help?” Here are some signs that show it is time to talk to a professional:

  • You feel manipulated: Your spouse uses threats or guilt to control you.

  • You feel criticized constantly: Your partner often says mean things about your choices or looks.

  • Lack of empathy: Your spouse does not care about your feelings.

  • Resistance to therapy: Your partner will not get help or says nothing is wrong.

  • Difficulty accepting responsibility: Your spouse blames you for everything and never says sorry.

If you see these signs, you do not have to deal with them alone. A therapist or counselor can help you understand what is happening and give you support.

Individual vs. Couples Therapy

You might think couples therapy will fix things, but it is not always safe or helpful when one person is a narcissist.

Individual therapy is usually better for the non-narcissistic partner. It helps you understand your feelings and build self-trust in a safe place. Couples therapy can be risky and may repeat the same hurtful patterns, especially if one person acts like a narcissist. Individual therapy helps you heal and learn about yourself. Couples therapy may not work or be safe if there is narcissistic abuse.

Finding the Right Therapist

Look for a therapist who knows about narcissistic abuse. Ask if they have helped people in tough relationships before. You want someone who listens, believes you, and helps you set good boundaries. Trust your feelings. If you do not feel safe or understood, keep looking for someone else.

Legal & Safety

You may need legal help to keep yourself and your kids safe. High-conflict marriages with a narcissist can get tricky, especially if you are splitting up.

High-Conflict Protection

Courts look at many things when they decide about kids and money. They check if each parent puts the child’s needs first, the child’s bond with each parent, and each parent’s moral fitness. You should keep notes about your spouse’s actions and how they affect your kids. This can help you get a fair plan for your children.

  • Enforce support: Courts can take money from paychecks, put liens on property, or take tax refunds.

  • Protect your rights: You can go to court if your spouse breaks rules or tries to turn your child against you.

  • Set legal boundaries: Limit contact and ask the court to help stop bad behavior.

  • Stop harassment: You can ask for restraining orders or supervised visits if needed.

Knowing Your Rights

You have the right to be safe and respected. Learn about your legal choices. Talk to a lawyer who knows about tough divorces. They can help you know your rights and what to do next.

Emergency Resources

If you ever feel unsafe, get help right away. Many places have hotlines, shelters, and legal help for people in abusive relationships. Save important numbers in your phone. Tell a trusted friend or family member about what is happening.

Remember, you deserve help and safety. Asking for help shows you are strong, not weak.

Stay or Leave

Deciding Factors

Safety Assessment

Your safety is the most important thing. If you feel scared or notice things getting worse, you need to put yourself first. Many people in your situation make a plan to leave safely. You can collect important papers, money records, and proof of bad behavior. Keep these things in a safe spot. If you ever feel unsafe, call a friend, go to a shelter, or contact the police right away.

Tip: Writing down abusive actions can help you get legal help or support.

Family Impact

You may worry about how your choice will affect your kids or family. Living with a narcissist can hurt children’s feelings. Kids might feel mixed up, nervous, or think the fighting is their fault. Sometimes, a narcissist spouse uses kids during fights or divorce. This makes things harder for everyone. You can help your kids by talking with them. Tell them they are loved and not to blame.

Professional Guidance

You do not have to decide alone. A good therapist can help you learn about trauma bonds and why your spouse acts this way. Getting help gives you tools to see things clearly. You can also talk to a lawyer to know your rights and choices. Many people find that outside help makes it easier to choose what is best for themselves and their families.

Next Steps

Exit Plan

If you want to leave, you need to get ready. Make a simple plan with steps. This could mean:

  • Gathering important documents (IDs, bank statements, birth certificates)

  • Saving emergency funds in a separate account

  • Finding a safe place to stay if needed

  • Documenting abusive behavior for legal reasons

Write your plan down and keep it safe. Being prepared helps you feel strong and in control.

Support System

You do not have to do this alone. Build a group of friends, family, and helpers. A therapist can help you deal with your feelings and understand abuse. Support groups let you meet others who know what you are going through. If you have kids, tell their teachers or counselors about changes at home so they can help.

Moving Forward

Leaving a narcissist spouse is a big change. You might feel afraid or unsure, but you are not alone. Many people have done this and found peace later. Focus on healing and helping your kids. Take things one day at a time. Celebrate small wins. You deserve respect, safety, and hope.

Remember, choosing to stay or leave is a personal choice. Trust yourself. Ask for help when you need it. Your future can be better.

Rebuilding Self-Esteem

Rebuilding Self-Esteem
Image Source: pexels

Rebuilding your self-esteem after living with a narcissist spouse takes time and care. You may feel lost or unsure about who you are. You can heal and grow stronger by taking small steps each day.

Healing

Processing Grief

You might feel a mix of emotions after leaving a narcissist. Grief comes in stages. You may not move through them in order, but each stage helps you heal.

  1. Denial: You may struggle to accept that the relationship is over.

  2. Anger: You might feel angry at your spouse or even at yourself.

  3. Bargaining: You could find yourself wishing things had turned out differently.

  4. Depression: Sadness and hopelessness may set in for a while.

  5. Acceptance: You start to accept what happened and focus on your future.

Healing is not a straight line. Give yourself patience and kindness as you move through these feelings.

Reclaiming Identity

A narcissist often tries to shape your thoughts and feelings. You may forget what makes you unique. Now is your chance to rediscover yourself. Try new hobbies, revisit old interests, or spend time with people who support you. Ask yourself, “What do I enjoy?” or “What makes me feel proud?” These questions help you reconnect with your true self.

Setting Goals

Setting small, clear goals can help you rebuild confidence. Start with simple steps, like making a daily routine or learning a new skill. Celebrate each win, no matter how small. Over time, these victories add up and help you see your own strength.

Here are some proven strategies to help you heal and boost your self-esteem:

Strategy

Description

Identify personal strengths

List your unique strengths and achievements. This helps you fight the negative self-image left by your spouse.

Challenge negative self-talk

Notice and confront negative thoughts. Use self-compassion and positive affirmations to change how you see yourself.

Seek therapy

A therapist can help you work through guilt, shame, and self-doubt. Therapy gives you tools to rebuild your confidence.

Practice self-care

Take care of your body and mind. Eat well, exercise, and do things you enjoy. Self-care helps you trust yourself and feel better overall.

Healthy Relationships

You deserve healthy, happy relationships. You can learn what to look for and what to avoid.

Spotting Red Flags

After experiencing narcissistic abuse, you may worry about repeating the past. Watch for these warning signs in new relationships:

  • Rushing intimacy or commitment

  • Over-the-top compliments or “soul mate” claims early on

  • Promises that seem too good to be true

  • Sharing too much personal information too soon

  • Strong defensive reactions to small disagreements

  • Attempts to isolate you from friends or family

  • Controlling your choices or actions

  • Inconsistent stories about their past

  • Making you feel confused or inadequate

  • Rarely apologizing or taking responsibility

  • Excessive demands for your time or attention

Trust your instincts. If something feels off, it is okay to step back and think things through.

Trusting Again

Learning to trust after abuse can feel scary. Start slow. Build trust with people who show respect and kindness. Notice how they react when you set boundaries or share your feelings. Healthy people will honor your limits and listen to you.

Positive Connections

Healthy relationships have clear signs. Look for these qualities in new connections:

  1. Empathy, Self-Awareness, Respect, Personal Responsibility, and Values – A good partner cares about your feelings and their own actions.

  2. Boundaries – Both people respect each other’s limits.

  3. Personal Responsibility – Each person owns their choices and does not blame others.

  4. Values – You both know what you want and what matters most.

You can build a better future. Each step you take helps you grow stronger and wiser. Remember, you are worthy of love and respect.

Expert Insights

Research & Quotes

Key Studies

You might wonder what science says about living with a narcissist spouse. Scientists have studied couples for many years. They wanted to learn about these relationships. They found emotional manipulation happens a lot in marriages with narcissistic traits. You may see patterns like controlling actions or feeling blamed for things you did not do. Experts also found men use emotional manipulation more than women.

Here is a table that shows what researchers found about narcissism in marriage:

Findings

Details

Emotional Manipulation

Moderate levels seen in couples with narcissistic traits.

Gender Differences

Men show higher rates of emotional manipulation.

Duration of Marriage

Couples married less than 10 years report more manipulation.

Educational Level

More manipulation in those with secondary education or less.

Relationship Recommendation

Experts suggest educational seminars on emotional manipulation and narcissistic traits.

“Pathological narcissism often leads to controlling and intrusive behaviors, causing distress for partners.” — Leading relationship psychologist, 2023

Myths & Facts

Common Myths

Change is Possible?

You might hear people say, “Anyone can change if they want to.” This sounds hopeful, but it does not always fit when you live with a narcissist spouse. Many believe that love or patience can fix narcissistic behavior.

In reality, change takes much more than good intentions. Research shows that for a narcissist to change, they must feel more pain from their actions than from the effort it takes to change. Most do not reach this point on their own.

Victim Blaming

Some people blame you for the problems in your marriage. They might say, “You must have done something to cause this.” This myth can make you feel guilty or ashamed. The truth is, narcissistic traits like control and manipulation come from deep personality patterns, not from anything you did. You cannot cause or cure someone else’s narcissism.

Hidden Narcissism

Not all narcissists act loud or obvious. Some hide their traits behind kindness or self-pity. You might think, “They can’t be a narcissist—they’re so quiet.” This is a myth. Narcissism can look different in each person. Some use guilt or silent treatment instead of yelling or showing off.

Did you know? Many myths about narcissism come from movies or TV, not real life. Real relationships are more complex.

Here’s a table that clears up some of the biggest myths:

Myth

Fact

NPD Traits Equate to NPD Diagnosis

NPD exists on a spectrum. Not everyone with narcissistic traits has a diagnosis.

NPD Is Prevalent Everywhere

Genuine NPD is rare. Many people show traits without meeting the full criteria.

NPD Is Untreatable

Therapy and counseling can help. Change is possible, but it takes commitment and professional support.

The Truth

Narcissism Spectrum

Narcissism is not all or nothing. You might see a range of behaviors, from mild self-centeredness to severe lack of empathy. This spectrum affects how your spouse acts and how your family feels. For example, some partners show constant criticism or control, while others may only struggle with empathy.

Trait/Effect

Description

Lack of Empathy

Your spouse may not understand or care about your feelings.

Constant Criticism

You might hear negative comments that hurt your self-esteem.

Control and Manipulation

Your spouse could try to control your choices or emotions.

Emotional Instability in Children

Kids may feel anxious or insecure because of family tension.

Devaluation of Child’s Needs

Children’s feelings might be ignored, leading to long-term struggles.

Change Likelihood

You may wonder, “Can my spouse really change?” Change is possible, but it is rare and difficult. Here’s what research says:

Most narcissists resist change because it challenges their core beliefs. Therapy works best when they choose it for themselves.

Avoiding False Hope

You might hope that things will get better if you try harder. This hope can keep you stuck in a painful cycle. It is important to accept what you can and cannot control. You cannot force your spouse to change. Focus on your own well-being and set healthy boundaries.

Key Takeaways:

  • Narcissism exists on a spectrum.

  • Change is possible, but rare without strong motivation and therapy.

  • Myths can keep you trapped. Facts help you make better choices for yourself and your family.

Remember, you deserve respect and support. Knowing the truth helps you protect your heart and move forward with confidence.

Conclusion

You can take control of your life, even when facing a difficult marriage. Here are the most important steps for how to deal with a narcissist spouse:

  1. Build a support network with people who understand your situation.

  2. Keep a journal to track events and protect your reality.

  3. Set clear boundaries and follow through with consequences.

  4. Make self-care a daily habit to recharge your mind and body.

  5. Stay financially independent to avoid manipulation.

  6. Show yourself compassion as you heal and grow.

Transform your Inner Chaos into authentic personal growth!

Stay informed on the latest research advancements covering:

Co-Parenting With A Narcissist

Divorcing a Narcissist

Narcissistic Family

Covert Narcissist

Female Narcissist

Narcissist

Narcissism

Manipulation

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the best way to respond to a narcissist spouse?

Stay calm and use short, neutral replies. Do not argue or explain too much. You can say, “I see,” or “Okay.” This helps you avoid drama and keeps you in control.

How do I set boundaries with my spouse?

Use clear, simple words. Tell your spouse what you will accept. For example, “I need quiet time now.” Stick to your limits, even if your spouse pushes back.

Can a narcissist spouse change?

Change is rare. Most narcissists do not see a problem with their behavior. Real change needs strong motivation and therapy. Focus on your own well-being first.

How do I protect my children from a narcissist parent?

  • Talk openly with your kids

  • Show them love and support

  • Keep routines steady If you worry about safety, speak to a counselor or lawyer.

What should I do if I feel unsafe?

Leave the area right away. Call a trusted friend or a helpline. Your safety comes first.

Tip: Save emergency numbers in your phone for quick help.

Should I try couples therapy with a narcissist spouse?

Experts say individual therapy works better for you. Couples therapy can make things worse if your spouse blames or manipulates you during sessions.