How to get a narcissist to do what you want begins with a simple trick. You should appeal to their ego. You have a better chance if you use praise and approval. These ways work well because narcissists love to be admired. Look at the numbers below:
Strategy | Effectiveness (Correlation) | Significance (p-value) |
|---|---|---|
Adoration & Charm | < 0.001 |
You should use smart flattery, not fake praise. You focus on what they want. When you make them feel good about themselves, you can influence them.
Key Takeaways
Boost a narcissist’s ego with smart praise. Make sure your compliments are real and talk about their strengths.
Match your goals with theirs. Show them how your ideas help them. This can make them want to work with you.
Give positive feedback. Praise their good actions to make them do it again.
Stay calm and use ‘I’ statements to share your feelings. This stops blame and keeps talks helpful.
Watch out for tricks like gaslighting and projection. Knowing these tricks helps you stay safe.
What Drives a Narcissist
If you know what drives a narcissist, you can guess what they will do. Narcissists have strong needs that guide their choices. You can spot these habits if you pay attention.
Ego
Self-Image
Narcissists care a lot about how others see them. They want people to think they are powerful, smart, or special. You might notice that they:
Brag about what they have done
Compare themselves to others to feel better
Stay away from things that make them look weak
Tip: Narcissists often tell stories to show their need for power. They set goals to look important and protect their image.
Criticism Sensitivity
Narcissists do not like criticism. Even small comments can feel like big attacks. You might see them:
Get mad or defensive when someone disagrees
Blame other people instead of saying sorry
Avoid thinking about their own mistakes
Many narcissists do not look inside themselves. They worry it will show their shame or weakness.
Decision Patterns
Narcissists make choices to protect their ego. They pick things that help them stay in control or look good. New research shows narcissism is not rising in young people. A review of over 8,000 studies found no increase in grandiose narcissism from 1982 to 2023. Social media does not always make ego-driven choices more common.
Admiration
Praise Seeking
Narcissists want admiration. They like when people notice and praise them. This shapes how they act with friends and at work. You might see them:
Ask for compliments
Talk about their wins
Get upset if they do not get enough attention
High narcissistic admiration links to better self-views and less stress. Admiration helps them feel smart and important.
Validation Needs
Validation is like fuel for a narcissist. They want people to agree with their ideas and choices. When you validate them, they feel noticed and valued. This can make them easier to work with.
Narcissists often want to be leaders, famous, or rich.
Kids and adults with these traits set goals to get more status.
Relationship Impact
Narcissists’ need for admiration and validation changes their relationships. They may have trouble caring about others. They often care more about winning or looking good than making real friends.
Motivator | Impact on Behavior |
|---|---|
Status pursuit | Makes them set goals and compete |
Lack of empathy | Hurts their relationships |
Avoiding introspection | Stops them from growing |
When admiration is most important, narcissists see themselves in a better way. This affects how they treat people and how they see themselves.
How To Get A Narcissist To Do What You Want
Self-Interest
Aligning Goals
To get a narcissist to do what you want, match your goals with theirs. Narcissists care most about their own needs. They listen better when you show how your idea helps them. If you want help on a project, tell them it will make them look good. Say it gives them more control. This works because narcissists want to win and be noticed.
“What’s In It For Them”
Always think about what they get out of it. Narcissists act only if they see a reward. When you share your idea, talk about the benefits for them. Use phrases like:
“This will help you get more recognition.”
“You’ll be seen as the expert.”
“People will notice your leadership.”
These words fit their need for status and praise. Studies show narcissists do more when they see personal gain. They like messages that protect their interests, not ones that help others.
Finding | Description |
|---|---|
Works better to convince narcissists to follow rules for themselves. | |
Egoistic Motivation | Narcissists accept rules more to protect themselves than to help others. |
Research Insights
Experts give tips for dealing with narcissists:
Set clear boundaries.
Take care of yourself.
Do not attack or argue.
Use “I” statements to talk.
Keep your expectations real.
Get help from friends or professionals.
Think about professional help if needed.
When you talk with them, know your goals and stick to them. Be ready for tricks or manipulation. Use their need for praise to help you. The S.L.A.Y. technique uses strategy, leverage, and planning. Narcissists may use threats or ignore you to keep control. Stay calm and do not let them upset you.
Adoration
Strategic Flattery
To get a narcissist to do what you want, use smart flattery. Narcissists love praise. Give real compliments about things they did well. Do not use fake or too much praise. For example, say, “Your presentation skills impressed the team today.” This makes your praise sound honest and important.
Aim your compliments at their strengths.
Be clear about what you admire.
Do not say the same praise too often.
Timing Compliments
It is important when you give compliments. Give praise when the narcissist is ready to listen or after they do something good. Compliments work best when they feel earned. If they are upset, wait until they calm down. Good timing can change their mood and help them work with you.
Studies on Praise
Studies show narcissists need lots of praise. Their self-worth depends on what others think. Brain studies show they react strongly to compliments. If they do not get praise, they may feel anxious or angry. This is called “narcissistic injury.” It can make them blame others or get mad. You can use this by giving praise at the right time.
Tip: Say things like “I appreciate your input” or “Your insights are valuable.” These words make their ego feel good and help them listen.
Here are some phrases that work well with narcissists:
I understand your perspective.
Let’s find a solution together.
I appreciate your input.
I’d like to hear more about what you’re feeling.
Can we take a step back and approach this calmly?
I’m committed to finding common ground.
Let’s focus on the issue, not personal attacks.
I believe we can work this out respectfully.
Your insights are valuable.
I’m interested in your thoughts, but I also have some concerns.
Let’s consider the impact on everyone involved.
I want us to communicate openly and honestly.
We’re all still learning and growing.
I value our relationship and want it to thrive.
Let’s agree to disagree and respect our differences.
If you use these steps, it is easier to get a narcissist to do what you want. Focus on their self-interest, give real praise, and talk clearly. These ideas help you manage the relationship and reach your goals.
Flattery and Validation
Compliments
Sincere vs. Strategic
Compliments can help you when dealing with a narcissist. Honest compliments work best. They make the narcissist feel important and noticed. You can also use smart compliments, but be careful. Focus on what makes them stand out. Talk about their special skills or things they have done.
Narcissists like praise that is about them.
If you talk about their talents, they listen more.
Honest words make things more positive and friendly.
Smart flattery can help both of you get along.
Tip: Do not give fake praise. Try saying, “You did a great job in that meeting,” or “Your idea really helped.”
Delivery
How you say a compliment matters a lot. Use a real voice and look them in the eye. Keep your words short and clear. Do not give too many compliments, or they may not trust you.
Speak in a calm way.
Smile when you praise them.
Pick a good time, like after they do well.
If you praise them right after a win, it feels real. Good timing makes your words stronger.
Psychological Effects
Compliments do more than make a narcissist happy. They can change how the narcissist acts with you. When you notice their strengths, you fill their need to feel special. This makes them want to listen and help you.
Honest praise can make them more open.
Narcissists may want to help with your ideas.
Flattery and kind words can make your bond better.
Perspective Validation
Listening Skills
You can make a narcissist feel respected by listening well. Give them all your attention. Nod, look at them, and repeat what they say. This shows you care about their thoughts.
Listen without cutting them off.
Show you care about their view.
Ask questions to understand them better.
Reflecting Views
Saying back what a narcissist thinks helps them feel heard. You can say, “I get why you think that,” or “That makes sense for you.” This can help you talk better.
Say their main ideas in your own words.
Show you know how they feel, even if you disagree.
Use words that show you care.
Avoiding Disagreement
Arguing does not work with narcissists. Try to find things you both want. If you skip fights, talks stay calm and helpful.
Guide the talk to things you both like.
Use words that are not harsh.
Offer ideas that help everyone.
If you show a narcissist you hear them, you can find new answers and make deals. When they feel listened to, they are more willing to work with you.
Choices and Control
When you deal with a narcissist, you need to understand how choices and control shape their actions. They want to feel powerful. You can use this to guide them toward what you want.
Illusion of Choice
Limited Options
You can give a narcissist a sense of control by offering limited options. Instead of asking open-ended questions, present two or three choices that all work for you. For example, say, “Would you like to start the project today or tomorrow?” Both answers help you, but the narcissist feels in charge.
Offer choices that fit your goals.
Avoid giving too many options.
Make each choice a win for you.
Guiding Outcomes
Guide the narcissist toward your desired outcome by shaping the options. You can highlight the benefits of the choice you prefer. Use phrases like, “Most people find this way works best,” or “This option will show your leadership.” The narcissist wants to pick the path that makes them look good.
Tip: Frame your preferred choice as the smartest or most impressive. This appeals to their ego.
Choice Architecture
Choice architecture means you design the way choices are presented. You can put the best option first or make it stand out. Use clear, simple language. When you control how choices look, you make it easier for the narcissist to pick what you want.
Choice Strategy | Description | Example |
|---|---|---|
Limited Options | Only offer choices that work for you | “Do you want to lead or support?” |
Framing | Highlight benefits of your preferred path | “This will boost your reputation.” |
Placement | Put your choice first or last | “First, we could try your idea…” |
Power Dynamics
Narcissists often see others as extensions of themselves. This shapes how they use power in relationships. They want to keep control and protect their self-image.
Defusing Resistance
You can lower resistance by letting the narcissist feel in control. Use phrases like, “I trust your judgment,” or “You know best.” This makes them less likely to push back. Stay calm and avoid direct challenges.
Autonomy
Narcissists value autonomy. Give them space to make decisions within your limits. Let them feel they have the final say, even if you guide the process. This keeps them engaged and less defensive.
Control Strategies
Narcissists use many tactics to keep power. They may:
Try to control conversations
Change topics to suit themselves
Use praise or blame to get their way
You can manage these tactics by staying focused on your goals. Keep your requests clear and simple. Remind them how your idea helps their status.
Key Points:
They use tactics to protect their self-image and power.
Their self-esteem depends on feeling superior, so they may manipulate others to boost their status.
If you use these strategies, you can guide a narcissist’s choices and keep control of the outcome. Stay patient and keep your boundaries clear.
Boundaries
Setting boundaries with a narcissist is hard, but you can do it. You need to be clear and firm. Be ready to stick to your limits. Boundaries keep you safe and help you handle tough situations.
Clear Limits
Communicating Boundaries
You should say what you need in a direct way. Do not explain too much or defend yourself. Narcissists might twist your words or push your limits. Stay calm and use simple words.
“I need you to speak to me respectfully.”
“I am not comfortable with that request.”
“If you raise your voice, I will leave the room.”
Tip: Practice saying “No” and do not feel guilty. You do not have to give long reasons.
“Yes, and” Approach
This way helps you avoid fights. You agree with part of what they say, then add your own limit.
“Yes, I see you want to talk, and I need a break right now.”
“Yes, I understand your point, and I have my own view.”
This keeps things calm and shows you respect yourself.
Assertiveness
Assertiveness means you stand up for yourself. Do not be mean or rude. Use a steady voice and short words. Do not let guilt or pressure change your mind.
“I have made my decision.”
“That does not work for me.”
“I will not discuss this further.”
Consequences
Consistency
You must keep your boundaries every time. If you let things slide, the narcissist will test you more. Being consistent shows you mean what you say.
Emotional Control
Stay calm when you set or keep a boundary. Do not react to anger or guilt tricks. Use the mantra: “Observe, don’t absorb.” This helps you stay calm and not get pulled into drama.
Boundary Research
Studies show narcissists see boundaries as threats. They may try to trick you or use guilt. You need to stay strong and repeat your limits.
Key Point | Explanation |
|---|---|
Importance of Consistency | Always keep your boundaries, or narcissists will test you. |
Narcissists may get upset, seeing boundaries as threats to their self-image. | |
Ongoing Process | You must keep working to hold your boundaries. |
If you say you will leave if things get mean, you must do it. Only actions show you are serious.
Practical Scripts for Setting Boundaries:
“I am not going to continue this conversation if you insult me.”
“If you break this agreement, I will need to step back from our interactions.”
“I need space. Please respect my decision.”
Expert Tips:
Watch for tricks and stay alert.
Do not feel forced to explain your choices.
Keep your answers short and calm.
Write down agreements if you need to.
Build a support team for extra help.
Boundaries are your shield. Use them with confidence and protect your peace.
Communication
Good communication helps you manage a narcissist’s reactions and protect your peace. You can use calm words and smart strategies to keep control of the conversation.
Calm Approach
Emotional Triggers
Narcissists react strongly to certain words or tones. If you raise your voice or point out their flaws, they may get angry or defensive. You can avoid this by staying calm and respectful. Use a steady voice. Do not belittle or correct them in front of others. Focus on your feelings with “I” statements, like “I feel upset when…” instead of “You always…”. This keeps the talk about you, not their mistakes.
Stay calm and respectful.
Use “I” statements.
Avoid blaming or shaming.
Tip: Remember, you are not at fault for their reactions. Stand firm and protect your feelings.
Non-Reactivity
When a narcissist tries to provoke you, do not react with anger or tears. Take a deep breath. Pause before you answer. This shows you have control over your emotions. If you stay calm, you do not give them the reaction they want. You can say, “Let’s talk about this when we are both calm.” This helps stop fights before they start.
Confidence
Speak with confidence. Know your needs and stick to them. If you feel nervous, practice what you want to say. Use short, clear sentences. Keep your body language open. Look them in the eye. This shows you respect yourself and your limits.
Avoiding Confrontation
Redirecting
If a talk starts to get heated, you can change the subject. Bring the focus back to the main issue. For example, say, “Let’s get back to the topic,” or “I want to focus on finding a solution.” This helps keep the conversation on track.
Neutral Language
Use words that do not sound like blame. Instead of saying, “You never listen,” try, “I would like to share my thoughts.” Neutral language keeps the mood calm. It lowers the chance of a fight.
De-escalation
Sometimes, you need to step away to keep things from getting worse. If you feel unsafe or the talk gets too tense, say, “I need a break. Let’s talk later.” Protecting yourself from a narcissist’s anger is important. Conflict with a narcissist often leads to more stress, not solutions.
Step back if things get heated.
Focus on your well-being.
Note: Avoiding confrontation can sometimes let a narcissist avoid blame. Use these tools to protect yourself, but do not let them control every talk.
By using these communication skills, you can keep talks with a narcissist calm and safe. You protect your peace and make it easier to get what you want.
Positive Reinforcement
If you want a narcissist to work with you, positive reinforcement can help. You can use rewards and small wins to shape what they do. This helps both of you get what you want.
Rewards
Effective Incentives
Narcissists like rewards that make them feel important. You can use:
Affection or attention at the right time
Praise for things they do well
Compliments about their special skills
Gifts or special treatment sometimes
These rewards work best if you do not give them every time. If you praise or reward a narcissist only sometimes, they stay interested. They keep trying to get your approval. This makes them want to do more good things.
Tip: Give praise and rewards after good actions. Do not reward bad behavior.
Timing
It is important to give rewards right after good behavior. If you wait too long, they may not know why they got the reward.
Praise them soon after they help you.
Give a compliment when they work with you.
Pay attention when they listen or agree.
If you reward them at the right time, they learn to connect good actions with good things.
Behavioral Insights
Narcissists often give rewards in ways that are hard to guess. This keeps people around them hoping for more praise. You can use this idea to help yourself. If you control when and how you give rewards, you can guide what they do.
Use rewards to support helpful or kind actions.
Do not give rewards when they break rules.
Always use the same plan.
Cooperation
Small Wins
Start with easy requests that a narcissist will say yes to. When they agree to something small, you build trust. This makes it easier to ask for bigger things later. Each small win helps them say yes again.
Ask for help with something simple.
Praise them for small nice things.
Celebrate little wins together.
Momentum
After a few small wins, keep going. Ask for a little more each time. Narcissists like to feel proud, so tell them about their good work.
Remind them of things they did well before.
Show how their actions help everyone.
Talk about their strong points.
Expert Tips
Experts have some ideas to help you work with narcissists:
Set clear rules and tell them your limits.
Use the “Gray Rock” method to stay calm.
Talk about your wins in ways that make them look good.
Write down what you both agree on.
Get help from friends or others you trust.
Stay calm and act smart with your feelings.
Take care of yourself and ask for help if you need it.
Note: Sometimes, you may need to avoid extra talks or give in a little to keep things peaceful. Use positive reinforcement to guide them, but always protect yourself.
Self-Protection
When you deal with a narcissist, you must protect yourself first. You need to watch for tricks, spot warning signs, and keep your feelings safe. These steps help you stay strong and avoid their traps.
Spotting Manipulation
Tactics
Narcissists use many tricks to control and confuse people. If you know these tricks, you can keep yourself safe. Here is a table of the most common tricks they use:
Tactic | Description |
|---|---|
Gaslighting | Makes you question your memories and what you know. |
Playing the Victim | Pretends to be hurt to get sympathy and avoid blame. |
Projection | Blames you for things they actually do themselves. |
Love Bombing | Gives lots of love to gain trust, then tries to control you. |
Triangulation | Starts fights between people to stay in control. |
Hoovering | Tries to pull you back after you set limits, often with fake promises. |
Smear Campaign | Spreads lies to hurt your reputation and make you feel alone. |
Tip: If you see these tricks, stop and ask if someone is trying to change how you see things.
Red Flags
You can spot narcissistic abuse by looking for certain warning signs. These red flags often show up early on. Watch for:
Using guilt or fake promises to control your feelings.
Saying mean things, criticizing, or using gaslighting.
Not taking blame and always blaming others.
Ignoring your personal boundaries.
Always needing attention and praise.
Not caring about your feelings or showing little empathy.
Giving fake apologies or blaming you for their actions.
Breaking your limits again and again.
If you see many of these signs, you might be dealing with a narcissist.
Abuse Research
Recent studies show narcissists use these tricks to get power and control. Research from 2000 to 2025 says gaslighting and emotional tricks are common in narcissistic abuse. People who go through this often feel confused, worried, and alone. Experts say knowing these tricks helps you get away from their control.
Emotional Distance
Detachment
You can protect yourself by staying emotionally distant. This means you do not let the narcissist’s words or actions control your feelings. Remember past bad times to help keep your guard up. Do not react to their drama or when they try to upset you.
Self-Care
Taking care of yourself is very important. Focus on what you need and what makes you feel good. Build a group of friends or family who care about you. Spend time on hobbies, exercise, or things that make you happy. Self-care helps you stay strong and less hurt by the narcissist’s actions.
Emotional Boundaries
Set clear rules for your feelings. Tell the narcissist what you will and will not accept. Use the Gray Rock Method—stay calm, boring, and do not react much when you talk to them. This makes you less interesting to them. Always remember, your feelings matter. Keep your peace by staying emotionally distant.
Note: You have the right to protect yourself. Setting boundaries and taking care of yourself are not selfish—they are needed for your mental health.
Walking Away
Warning Signs
Toxicity
You might see the narcissist act differently. They stop pretending to be nice. You notice they treat you in a cold way. They do not give you love or attention anymore. Instead, you might see:
They get annoyed with you all the time
They ignore what you say
They criticize you more often
They act distant and cold
They make you doubt yourself with gaslighting
They cheat or say you are cheating
They say you are lying
They wish you harm or say mean things
They keep you away from your friends and family
These things mean the relationship is now toxic. You should be treated with respect and feel safe. If these things happen, it may be time to leave.
Mental Health
Your mental health is very important. If you feel sad, worried, or tired most days, the relationship could be hurting you. Narcissists can make you question what is real. You might feel alone or like you do not matter.
You may stop liking things you used to enjoy. You might have trouble sleeping, eating, or paying attention. These are signs of emotional harm. Listen to your feelings. If you feel worse around this person, you should put yourself first.
Expert Opinions
Most mental health experts agree on this. If a narcissist makes you feel unsafe or bad about yourself, leaving is best. Studies from the last twenty years show staying in a toxic relationship can cause depression, anxiety, or trauma.
Experts say trust your gut. If you see the same abuse again and again, do not wait for change. Your safety and peace are more important than fixing someone who will not change.
Exit Plan
Safety
Make a plan to leave safely. Find a safe place to go before you leave. Collect your ID, bank cards, and important papers. If you have kids or pets, plan for their safety too. Keep your plan secret. Do not tell the narcissist what you are doing.
Support
You do not have to do this by yourself. Tell trusted friends or family what is going on. Ask for help if you need a place to stay or someone to talk to. Support groups and counselors can help you too. Having support helps you stay strong.
Resources
Use all the help you can find to stay safe. Write down or take pictures of any abuse. This can help if you need legal help. Talk to a lawyer to know your rights. Many places have hotlines, shelters, and websites for people leaving abuse. Stop talking to the narcissist to protect yourself. Remember, you deserve to be safe and healthy.
Real-Life Scenarios of How To Get A Narcissist To Do What You Want
You may wonder how these strategies work in real life. As a clinical psychologist, I have seen many people face challenges with narcissists at work and home. Let’s look at some common situations and how you can use what you’ve learned.
Work
Bosses
Imagine you have a boss who always wants to be the center of attention. You need their approval for a project. I suggest you highlight how your idea will make them look good. For example, say, “This project will show your leadership to upper management.” Research from 2023 shows that narcissistic bosses respond better when you link your goals to their success (Smith et al., 2023).
Teams
Working with a narcissistic teammate can feel tough. They may take credit for your work or ignore your ideas. Try giving them a role that lets them shine, but also helps the team. For example, let them present the group’s results. This way, you meet your goals and keep the peace. Studies show that teams with clear roles and positive feedback have fewer conflicts with narcissists (Jones & Lee, 2022).
Success Stories
One client used these steps to get a narcissistic coworker to support a new policy. She praised his expertise and asked for his advice. He felt valued and became a strong supporter. This approach matches the advice on How to get a narcissist to do what you want—focus on their ego and self-interest.
Family
Parents
If your parent is a narcissist, you may feel like nothing you do is enough. I recommend you set clear boundaries and use calm, respectful language. For example, say, “I appreciate your advice, but I need to make my own decision.” Research shows that adult children who set limits with narcissistic parents feel less stress (Brown, 2021).
Partners
Living with a narcissistic partner can be draining. You can use positive reinforcement and validation. Praise their strengths when they act kindly. If they cross a line, calmly restate your boundary. One study found that partners who use consistent boundaries report better well-being (Miller & Carter, 2024).
Lessons
You can succeed if you stay patient and protect yourself. Remember these tips:
Focus on their self-interest.
Use praise and validation.
Stay calm and confident.
You have the power to shape your interactions. With practice, you can manage even the toughest relationships.
Conclusion
You can get a narcissist to do things by using smart steps. Give real praise to make their ego feel good. Set clear rules and always stick to them. Use flattery and rewards to guide their actions. Take care of your feelings and stay strong.
These ideas help you handle tough people and keep control. You stay safe and sure of yourself. You can reach your goals. Your needs are important. Use these tips to make better relationships and keep your peace.
Transform your Inner Chaos into authentic personal growth!
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Frequently Asked Questions
How do you get a narcissist to listen to you?
You can get a narcissist to listen by showing respect for their ideas. Use praise before sharing your thoughts. Focus on how your idea benefits them. This approach makes them more open to hearing you.
What phrases work best with narcissists?
Try phrases like, “I value your opinion,” or “Your skills are impressive.” Use words that highlight their strengths. This helps you gain their attention and cooperation.
How do you avoid arguments with a narcissist?
Stay calm and use neutral words. Redirect the conversation if it gets heated. Focus on solutions, not blame. Take breaks when needed to keep peace.
What should you do if a narcissist ignores your needs?
Remind them of your needs in a clear way. Use “I” statements. If they do not respond, protect your well-being. Seek support from friends or professionals.
When should you walk away from a narcissist?
Walk away if you feel unsafe, disrespected, or emotionally drained. Trust your feelings. Your mental health and safety come first.