Last updated on August 22nd, 2024 at 02:58 am
- What is Narcissism?
- The Chase: Why Narcissists Need Constant Attention
- The Initial Shock: A Narcissist’s First Reaction
- Anger and Defensiveness: The Narcissist Lashes Out
- The Victim Card: Poor Me!
- Hoovering: Trying to Suck You Back In
- Triangulation: Using Others to Get to You
- Smear Campaigns: Turning Others Against You
- Silent Treatment: The Cold Shoulder
- Narcissistic Rage: When All Else Fails
- The Aftermath: How Narcissists Cope Long-Term
- Healing and Moving Forward: Your Path to Freedom
- Understanding Narcissistic Behavior: Why They Act This Way
- Breaking the Cycle: Why Stopping the Chase Matters
- Red Flags: Spotting Narcissistic Behavior Early
- The Role of Codependency in Narcissistic Relationships
- Trauma Bonding: Why It’s Hard to Let Go
- The Long-Term Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder: A Deeper Look
- Love Bombing vs. Real Love: Spotting the Difference
- The Emotional Rollercoaster: How Narcissists Manipulate Your Feelings
- Gaslighting: The Narcissist’s Favorite Trick
- Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Journey of Self-Discovery
- Conclusion: Your Freedom Starts Now
Have you ever felt stuck in a relationship with someone who only cares about themselves? Someone who makes you feel small and always needs your attention? That person might be a narcissist. Dealing with a narcissist can feel like being on an emotional rollercoaster. But what happens when you decide to get off that ride? How does a narcissist react when you stop chasing them?
In this post, we’ll explore the world of narcissism and what happens when you stop playing their games. We’ll look at how narcissists behave, why they act the way they do, and most importantly – how you can break free and take care of yourself.
What is Narcissism?
Before we dive in, let’s talk about what narcissism really means. A narcissist is someone who thinks they’re better than everyone else. They crave attention and praise all the time. Narcissists only care about their own feelings and needs. They don’t consider how their actions affect others.
Narcissistic abuse in relationships can be very harmful. Narcissists use mind games to control their partners. They make their partners feel confused, guilty, and worthless. This type of emotional abuse can leave deep scars.
Some key traits of narcissists include:
- An overblown sense of self-importance
- Always needing praise and admiration
- Taking advantage of others
- Lack of empathy for others’ feelings
- Jealousy of others
- Arrogant attitudes and behaviors
Living with a narcissist often means walking on eggshells. You never know what will set them off. They can switch from loving to cruel in an instant. This up-and-down pattern leaves partners feeling drained and confused.
“Kindness from a narcissist is called an illusion.”
Alice Little”
― Alice Little
The Chase: Why Narcissists Need Constant Attention
Narcissists thrive on attention. They need a constant stream of praise and admiration to feel good about themselves. This is why they often draw people into a cycle of “chasing” them.
At first, a narcissist may shower you with affection and compliments. This is called “love bombing.” It feels amazing and makes you fall hard for them. But once they have you hooked, they start to pull away. They become cold, critical, or ignore you completely.
This sudden change leaves you confused and hurt. You start chasing after their affection again, trying to get back to how things were before. The narcissist dangles just enough attention to keep you hooked, but never enough to truly satisfy you.
Why do narcissists play these mind games? There are a few reasons:
- Boosting their ego: Your attention and efforts to please them make narcissists feel powerful and important.
- Avoiding intimacy: Real closeness scares narcissists. Keeping you at arm’s length protects them from vulnerability.
- Control: Making you chase them gives narcissists control over the relationship and your emotions.
- Filling an inner void: Narcissists often feel empty inside. Your attention helps fill that void temporarily.
This cycle of chasing can go on for years. It leaves partners feeling exhausted, insecure, and questioning their own worth. But what happens when someone decides to stop playing this game? Let’s explore how narcissists typically react when their source of attention tries to break free.
The Initial Shock: A Narcissist’s First Reaction
When you first stop chasing a narcissist, they often react with disbelief. They’re used to having you at their beck and call. The idea that you might walk away doesn’t compute for them.
At first, a narcissist might try to pretend nothing has changed. They’ll act as if you’ll come running back any minute. They might even seem unbothered on the surface. But inside, their world is being shaken.
Narcissists build their sense of self-worth on other people’s attention. When that attention goes away, it’s like pulling the rug out from under them. They feel exposed and vulnerable.
This initial phase can be confusing for the person who’s stopped chasing. You might expect a big reaction right away. But often, the narcissist’s true colors don’t show until they realize you’re serious about stepping back.
Anger and Defensiveness: The Narcissist Lashes Out
Once a narcissist realizes you’re really pulling away, their next reaction is often anger. They may lash out with harsh words or blame you for everything wrong in the relationship. This anger comes from a place of fear and insecurity.
Some ways a narcissist might express anger include:
- Yelling or having angry outbursts
- Sending mean text messages or emails
- Putting you down or insulting you
- Threatening to leave or hurt themselves
- Breaking things or slamming doors
This phase can be scary and upsetting. Remember, the narcissist’s anger is about them, not you. They’re trying to regain control by making you feel bad.
Along with anger, narcissists often get very defensive. They’ll make excuses for their behavior or twist things around to blame you. They might say things like:
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “I never said/did that. You’re making things up.”
- “If you weren’t so needy, I wouldn’t act this way.”
- “You’re the one with the problem, not me.”
This defensiveness is a way for narcissists to protect their fragile egos. Admitting fault would mean facing their own flaws and insecurities. It’s easier for them to point fingers at everyone else.
“Speaking to narcissists and imagining having a normal human interaction is called delusion.”
Alice Little
The Victim Card: Poor Me!
When anger and defensiveness don’t work, many narcissists switch to playing the victim. They’ll act hurt and wounded by your decision to step back. This is another tactic to try and make you feel guilty.
A narcissist playing the victim might say things like:
- “How could you do this to me after all I’ve done for you?”
- “No one has ever hurt me like this before.”
- “I guess I’m just unlovable. Everyone always leaves me.”
- “I can’t live without you. I’ll fall apart if you go.”
They might even threaten self-harm or suicide to get your attention. This behavior can be very manipulative and emotionally draining for their partners.
It’s important to remember that this “poor me” act is just that – an act. Narcissists are masters at tugging on people’s heartstrings. They know how to make others feel responsible for their happiness.
In reality, narcissists are not as fragile as they pretend to be when playing the victim. They’re simply trying to guilt you into coming back and giving them attention again.
Hoovering: Trying to Suck You Back In
When playing the victim doesn’t work, narcissists often try a tactic called “hoovering.” This name comes from the Hoover vacuum cleaner brand. Just like a vacuum sucks up dirt, narcissists try to suck their partners back into the relationship.
Hoovering can take many forms:
- Suddenly being super nice and attentive
- Making grand gestures or gifts
- Promising to change or get help
- “Accidentally” running into you in public
- Reaching out to your friends or family
- Pretending to need your help with something
The goal of hoovering is to reel you back in. Narcissists will say or do whatever they think will work. They might act like the person you first fell in love with. Or they might pretend to be sick or in trouble to play on your sympathy.
It’s important to see hoovering for what it is – manipulation. The narcissist isn’t really changing. They just want their source of attention back. If you give in, things will likely go back to how they were before.
Surviving narcissistic abuse means learning to spot these tactics. When you know what to look for, it’s easier to stay strong and not get sucked back in.
“Maybe, the lesson we can all learn from the inner sadness of a Narcissist is to see through our own fabrications, our own illusions so that we can be set free to be real once more.”
― Shannon L. Alder
Triangulation: Using Others to Get to You
Another common tactic narcissists use is called triangulation. This means bringing other people into the situation to try and make you jealous or insecure.
Some ways a narcissist might use triangulation include:
- Flirting with others in front of you
- Talking about how great their ex was
- Suddenly posting lots of pictures with other people on social media
- Telling you how much attention they’re getting from others
- Using your friends or family to relay messages to you
The goal of triangulation is to make you feel replaceable. The narcissist wants you to think, “If I don’t chase them, someone else will.” This plays on your fears and insecurities.
Triangulation can be very hurtful. It’s normal to feel jealous or upset when you see a narcissist seeming to move on quickly. But remember, this is all for show. Narcissists struggle to form real, deep connections with anyone.
Smear Campaigns: Turning Others Against You
When other tactics fail, some narcissists resort to smear campaigns. This means they try to ruin your reputation by spreading lies about you to others.
A narcissist might:
- Tell your friends and family that you’re “crazy” or abusive
- Spread rumors about you at work
- Post negative things about you on social media
- Try to turn your kids against you (if you have children together)
The goal of a smear campaign is to isolate you and make you look bad. The narcissist wants to control the narrative about why the relationship ended. They also hope that if everyone turns against you, you’ll have no choice but to come back to them.
Protecting your reputation during a narcissist’s smear campaign can be challenging. It’s important to stay calm and not engage in a back-and-forth mud-slinging contest. The truth usually comes out in the end.
Silent Treatment: The Cold Shoulder
Some narcissists react to being ignored by giving the silent treatment. They might completely cut off all contact with you. No calls, no texts, no social media interactions – nothing.
The silent treatment serves a few purposes for the narcissist:
- It’s a form of punishment. They’re trying to make you feel bad for pulling away.
- It’s a way to regain control. They hope you’ll get anxious and reach out first.
- It protects their ego. By withdrawing, they don’t have to face rejection.
- It creates mystery. They hope you’ll wonder what they’re up to and get curious.
The silent treatment can be very confusing for partners. You might find yourself wondering, “Do they miss me? Are they okay? Should I reach out?” This uncertainty is exactly what the narcissist wants.
While it can be hard, the best response to the silent treatment is usually to respect the silence. Use this time to focus on your own healing and growth.
“Narcissists often feign oppression because narcissists always feel entitled.”
― Criss Jami
Narcissistic Rage: When All Else Fails
In some cases, narcissists may fly into a rage when they realize they’ve truly lost control. This “narcissistic rage” can be scary to witness. The narcissist might:
- Have explosive angry outbursts
- Make threats
- Destroy property
- Become physically aggressive
Narcissistic rage comes from a deep place of shame and fear. The narcissist feels exposed and out of control. They lash out as a way to try and regain power over the situation.
It’s crucial to prioritize your safety if you’re dealing with narcissistic rage. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help or involve law enforcement if you feel threatened.
The Aftermath: How Narcissists Cope Long-Term
Once a narcissist realizes they can’t win you back, they often try to move on quickly. They might jump into a new relationship right away or suddenly seem fine without you. This can be hurtful to watch, but remember – it’s all on the surface.
Deep down, narcissists struggle to process rejection and loss. They might:
- Pretend the relationship never mattered to them
- Rewrite history to make themselves the victim
- Struggle with depression or increased substance use
- Frantically seek new sources of attention and validation
While it may look like they’ve moved on, narcissists rarely do the inner work to truly heal and grow. They often repeat the same patterns in their next relationship.
“Most of the narcissists are geniuses and masters of Psychology. But they are using their knowledge to eradicate, rather than to help humanity.”
― Mwanandeke Kindembo
Healing and Moving Forward: Your Path to Freedom
Breaking free from a narcissist is hard, but it’s so worth it. Here are some tips to help you heal and move forward:
- Go “no contact” if possible: Cutting off all communication with the narcissist is often the best way to break free from their influence.
- Seek support: Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Consider joining a support group or seeing a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse.
- Focus on self-care: Prioritize your physical and mental health. Eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and do things that bring you joy.
- Work on self-esteem: Narcissists often damage their partners’ self-worth. Spend time rebuilding your confidence and learning to love yourself again.
- Set boundaries: Learn to set and enforce healthy boundaries in all your relationships.
- Process your emotions: Allow yourself to feel angry, sad, or whatever comes up. Journaling can be a great way to work through your feelings.
- Educate yourself: Learning about narcissism and abuse can help you make sense of your experience and avoid similar situations in the future.
- Be patient with yourself: Healing takes time. Don’t rush the process or judge yourself for having bad days.
- Rediscover yourself: Spend time reconnecting with your own interests, values, and goals.
- Consider professional help: A therapist experienced in narcissistic abuse recovery can provide valuable support and guidance.
Rebuilding your sense of self after narcissistic abuse is a journey. Be kind to yourself along the way.
Understanding Narcissistic Behavior: Why They Act This Way
It can be helpful to understand why narcissists behave the way they do. While it doesn’t excuse their actions, it can help you make sense of your experience.
Narcissistic behavior often stems from deep-seated insecurity and a fragile sense of self. Narcissists put on a show of confidence, but inside they feel empty and flawed. They rely on others’ admiration to feel good about themselves.
Some factors that can contribute to narcissistic behavior include:
- Childhood trauma or neglect
- Overindulgence or excessive praise in childhood
- Genetic factors
- Cultural influences that reward narcissistic traits
Narcissists often lack self-awareness about their behavior. They truly believe their distorted view of reality. This is why it’s so rare for narcissists to change or seek help on their own.
Understanding this can help you let go of trying to “fix” or change a narcissist. Their behavior is not your fault, and it’s not your responsibility to heal them.
Breaking the Cycle: Why Stopping the Chase Matters
Choosing to stop chasing a narcissist is a brave and important step. Here’s why it matters:
- It preserves your mental health: Constantly chasing a narcissist’s approval is exhausting and damaging to your well-being.
- It breaks the cycle of abuse: By stepping back, you disrupt the narcissist’s pattern of control and manipulation.
- It allows you to reclaim your power: Stopping the chase means taking back control of your life and emotions.
- It creates space for healing: When you’re not focused on the narcissist, you can turn your energy toward your own growth and recovery.
- It sets an example: By refusing to engage in toxic patterns, you show others (and yourself) that it’s possible to break free.
Remember, you deserve a relationship based on mutual respect, trust, and genuine love. Stopping the chase opens the door to healthier relationships in the future.
“It is no accident that narcissists and altruists often have a magnetic attraction to one another. Can you see how perfect the fit is? The altruistic feels the need to selflessly serve others and this is just what the narcissist wants. Narcissists want to be worshipped and gratified in every way possible, and this is just what altruists offer, thinking it demonstrates their moral virtue.”
― Ellen Kenner
Red Flags: Spotting Narcissistic Behavior Early
Knowledge is power when it comes to avoiding narcissistic relationships in the future. Here are some early warning signs to watch out for:
- Love bombing or excessive flattery early in the relationship
- Always steering conversations back to themselves
- Lack of empathy for your feelings
- Constant need for praise and admiration
- Putting others down to make themselves look better
- Sense of entitlement or special treatment
- Difficulty handling criticism
- Hot and cold behavior
- Gaslighting or denying your reality
Spot the red flags early on can save you from getting deeply involved with a narcissist.
The Role of Codependency in Narcissistic Relationships
Many people who end up in relationships with narcissists struggle with codependency. Codependency means relying on others for your sense of self-worth and identity. Codependent people often:
- Have a hard time saying “no”
- Put others’ needs before their own
- Feel responsible for others’ happiness
- Have low self-esteem
- Struggle to set boundaries
Narcissists often seek out codependent partners because they’re easier to manipulate and control. Breaking free from codependency is an important part of healing from narcissistic abuse.
Trauma Bonding: Why It’s Hard to Let Go
Even when you know a relationship is toxic, it can be hard to leave. This is often due to trauma bonding. Trauma bonding happens when you form a strong emotional attachment to someone who abuses you.
In narcissistic relationships, the cycle of love bombing followed by abuse creates intense emotional highs and lows. This roller coaster of emotions can be addictive. Your brain starts to crave the “high” of the narcissist’s occasional affection.
Understanding trauma bonding can help you make sense of why it’s so hard to break free. It’s not a sign of weakness – it’s a normal response to abnormal treatment.
The Long-Term Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse can have lasting impacts on your mental and emotional health. Some common long-term effects include:
- Anxiety and depression
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Low self-esteem
- Trust issues
- Difficulty setting boundaries
- Chronic stress and health problems
- Substance abuse issues
Understanding these long-term effects is important for healing. It helps you recognize that your struggles are a normal response to abuse, not a reflection of your worth.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: A Deeper Look
It’s important to note that not all narcissists have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). NPD is a mental health condition diagnosed by professionals. People with NPD show a consistent pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.
Learning about NPD can help you understand the depth of the issue. However, remember that you can’t diagnose someone yourself. Only a mental health professional can do that.
Love Bombing vs. Real Love: Spotting the Difference
Narcissists often use a tactic called love bombing at the start of a relationship. They shower you with affection, compliments, and attention. It feels amazing, but it’s not real love.
Real love grows slowly over time. It’s based on mutual respect, trust, and genuine care for each other’s well-being. Love bombing, on the other hand, is intense and happens very quickly.
Understanding the differences between love bombing and real love can help you avoid falling for narcissistic manipulation in the future.
The Emotional Rollercoaster: How Narcissists Manipulate Your Feelings
Being in a relationship with a narcissist often feels like being on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute you’re on top of the world, the next you’re crashing down. This up-and-down pattern is a key way narcissists maintain control.
Understanding this emotional manipulation can help you step off the ride. When you recognize the pattern, it’s easier to stay grounded in your own emotional reality.
Gaslighting: The Narcissist’s Favorite Trick
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser makes you question your own reality. Narcissists often use gaslighting to maintain control and avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
Some common gaslighting phrases include:
- “That never happened.”
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “You’re imagining things.”
- “You’re crazy.”
Learning to spot gaslighting is crucial for breaking free from narcissistic abuse. Trust your own perceptions and feelings, even when someone tries to tell you they’re wrong.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Journey of Self-Discovery
Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey. It takes time, patience, and often professional help. But it’s also a chance for incredible growth and self-discovery.
As you heal, you might:
- Rediscover your own wants and needs
- Learn to trust your intuition again
- Develop stronger, healthier boundaries
- Build genuine self-esteem (not based on others’ approval)
- Form healthier relationships
- Find a new sense of purpose and direction in life
Remember, healing isn’t linear. You’ll have good days and bad days. That’s normal and okay. Be patient with yourself and celebrate every small step forward.
Conclusion: Your Freedom Starts Now
Stopping the chase with a narcissist is a brave and powerful act. It’s the first step towards reclaiming your life and your happiness. Yes, the narcissist may react in hurtful or manipulative ways. But their reaction is not your responsibility.
Your job now is to focus on your own healing and growth. Surround yourself with supportive people who value and respect you. Take time to rediscover who you are outside of the narcissist’s influence.
Remember, you deserve love that doesn’t hurt. You deserve relationships built on mutual respect and genuine care. By choosing to stop chasing the narcissist, you’re choosing yourself. And that’s the most important choice you can make.
Healing takes time, but every step forward is a victory. Be proud of yourself for breaking free. Your journey to healing and happiness starts now. You’ve got this!
