Last updated on November 15th, 2025 at 09:00 am
Signs of a controlling narcissist are easy to spot. Their actions can make you feel weak or unsure. You may see someone who always thinks they are right. They do not care much about your feelings. They often change things to help themselves.
Here are some common signs you might notice:
Common Signs of a Controlling Narcissist | Description |
|---|---|
Sense of Entitlement | They think they are better and should get special treatment. |
Manipulative Behavior | They use others to get control and keep people away. |
Need for Admiration | They always want praise and attention from others. |
Lack of Empathy | They cannot understand or care about how others feel. |
Arrogance | They act like they are better and treat others badly. |
Key Takeaways
Controlling narcissists think they should get special treatment. They believe they are more important than others.
Manipulation is a main tool for them. They might make you feel guilty. They may ignore you or twist the truth to control you.
They often do not care about your feelings. They find it hard to understand how you feel.
Isolation is a big warning sign. They might try to keep you away from friends and family. This makes you depend on them more.
Gaslighting can make you question what is real. You may feel confused and start to doubt yourself.
Jealousy and possessiveness show up in their actions. They may watch you all the time. They might accuse you of things that are not true.
Criticism and belittling hurt your confidence. These actions make you feel less good about yourself.
1. Manipulation
Manipulation is a clear Sign Of A Controlling Narcissist. You might see them change things to keep control over you. They use many tricks to get what they want. These tricks can make you feel small or mixed up.
Power Tactics
A controlling narcissist often uses these tricks:
Guilt tripping: They try to make you feel bad for their problems.
Silent treatment: They ignore you to punish or control you.
Gaslighting: They say things did not happen, so you doubt yourself.
Baiting: They try to upset you to get a big reaction.
Fear induction: They use threats or scare you to keep control.
Blame-shifting: They say you are at fault for their mistakes.
Emotional blackmail: They use drama or threats to get their way.
Mind games: They confuse you so you feel unsure.
Deflecting: They talk about your mistakes instead of their own.
Tip: If you feel confused, guilty, or scared to speak up, you might be facing manipulation.
Here is a table that shows common manipulation tricks, how often they happen, and where the info comes from:
Manipulation Tactic | Frequency in Narcissists (%) | Peer-Reviewed Source/Citation |
|---|---|---|
Gaslighting | 65% | |
Rage/Outbursts | 60% | Nook et al. (2022) |
Smear Campaigns | 50% | Day et al. (2021) |
Hoovering | 55% | Nook et al. (2022) |
Playing the Victim | 45% | Day et al. (2021) |
Silent Treatment | 40% | Nook et al. (2022) |
Escalating Manipulation | 35% | Day et al. (2021) |
Emotional Influence
A controlling narcissist knows how to mess with your feelings. They may start by giving you lots of praise and attention. This is called love bombing. It makes you trust them fast. Later, they might stop being nice or say mean things. This leaves you feeling lost and wanting their approval.
Real-life example:
Think about telling your partner good news. Instead of being happy, they ignore you or say something mean. You start to wonder if you did something wrong. This is emotional manipulation.
Manipulation Example | Description |
|---|---|
Love Bombing | Too much praise and attention at first to win your trust. |
Isolation from Friends | Keeping you away from friends so you depend on them more. |
Threats and Intimidation | Using threats to make you scared, even if not physical. |
Gaslighting | Saying things did not happen, so you question your memory. |
Emotional Blackmail | Acting dramatic to make you feel bad for wanting to be independent. |
Research Insights
Studies show a strong link between manipulation and narcissistic personality disorder. One study found people with these traits use emotional tricks more, especially with people close to them. Day et al. (2021) found narcissists use mean ways to talk. Nook et al. (2022) said these actions help narcissists feel better about themselves.
Study Title | Findings | Relationship |
|---|---|---|
Emotional Manipulation and its Relationship with Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder among Couples | Medium level of emotional tricks and symptoms of NPD in couples; big differences based on gender, marriage time, and education | Positive and important link between emotional tricks and symptoms of NPD |
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a famous psychologist, says, “Narcissists use manipulation to keep control and avoid feeling weak.”
If you see these signs, you are not alone. Noticing manipulation is the first step to getting out of the cycle.
2. Guilt And Shame
Controlling narcissists use guilt and shame to control you. You might see these tricks in talks or fights. These actions can make you feel like things are your fault. But you did not do anything wrong. Knowing these signs helps you keep your feelings safe. It also helps you spot the Signs Of A Controlling Narcissist.
Inducing Guilt
You may feel guilty even if you did nothing bad. Narcissists twist things so you doubt yourself. They make small problems seem much bigger. This makes you think you hurt them a lot. You might change what you do just to stop fights.
Some ways narcissists make you feel guilty are:
They use strong feelings, like shock or guilt, to confuse you.
They have big outbursts and blame you for their problems.
Guilt trips make you feel bad about yourself.
They say your actions hurt them more than they really did.
They mix up guilt and shame, so you feel lost and weak.
Guilt-Inducing Behavior | Description | Peer-Reviewed Source |
|---|---|---|
Guilt Tripping | Making you feel responsible for their emotions | Day et al. (2021) |
Blame Shifting | Placing fault on you for their mistakes | Nook et al. (2022) |
Emotional Outbursts | Using drama to provoke guilt | Day et al. (2021) |
Tip: If you feel guilty after talking to someone, think about why. Does your guilt match what you did? This can help you see if you are being tricked.
Shame Tactics
Shame is another way narcissists try to control you. They may insult you or say mean things in sneaky ways. These words can make you doubt yourself and feel alone. When you feel ashamed, you might stay away from others. This makes it easier for the narcissist to control you.
Some common shame tricks are:
Saying little insults or always criticizing you to make you doubt yourself.
Making you feel like you do not deserve help from others.
Blaming you for their own shame to protect themselves.
Shame Tactic | Effect on Victim | Citation |
|---|---|---|
Subtle Insults | Self-doubt | Day et al. (2021) |
Constant Criticism | Low self-esteem | Nook et al. (2022) |
Isolation | Hopelessness | Day et al. (2021) |
Victims often feel:
Stress and worry all the time
Low self-worth and lots of doubt
Alone and away from friends or family
No hope for things to get better
Psychological Effect | Description | Source |
|---|---|---|
Anxiety | Fear of unpredictable reactions | Nook et al. (2022) |
Depression | Persistent sadness and hopelessness | Day et al. (2021) |
PTSD | Trauma symptoms like flashbacks | Nook et al. (2022) |
Expert Commentary
Narcissists put their own shame onto you. They cannot take criticism, so they push it on others. This helps them feel better about themselves. Dr. Ramani Durvasula says, “Narcissists use shame to control those around them, maintaining their grandiose self-perception.” If you try to stand up for yourself, they may try harder to make you feel small.
Note: If you feel worthless or broken after talking to someone, remember these feelings often come from guilt and shame tricks, not from who you really are.
3. Lack Of Empathy
A controlling narcissist often does not show empathy. They do not care about your feelings or needs. At first, this can be hard to notice. Over time, it becomes more clear.
Emotional Detachment
Ignoring Feelings
You might tell them your worries or happy news. The narcissist barely reacts or seems bored. Sometimes, they change the subject right away. This makes you feel like you do not matter. Many narcissists also have trouble with their own feelings.
“The narcissist feels cut off from his real self. He feels like he is watching a movie he cannot control.”
Dismissive Attitude
If you feel sad or excited, they may ignore you. They might say things like, “You’re too sensitive,” or, “That doesn’t matter.” This can make you question your own feelings. After a while, you may stop sharing with them.
“Pathological narcissism is a way to keep the narcissist away from pain. It protects them from getting hurt, even if the hurt is not real.”
Studies On Empathy
Research shows narcissists struggle with empathy. Some experts think they choose not to care. Others say their brains work differently when they try to understand feelings.
Study | Findings |
|---|---|
Ronningstam & Gunderson (1988, 1990) | Lack of empathy not always seen in NPD. |
Campbell et al. (2000) | Low self-esteem and self-focus hurt empathy. |
Fonagy et al. (2002, 2009) | Narcissists often do not want to empathize. |
Stone (1998) | Ability and willingness to empathize are different. |
Study | Findings |
|---|---|
Fan et al. (2023) | High narcissism changes brain activity during empathy. |
Jankowiak-Siuda & Zajkowski (2023) | Brain network problems affect empathy in narcissists. |
Their brains act differently when they see others’ feelings.
They may be very sensitive to pain, like some psychopaths.
Self-Centeredness
Prioritizing Self
A controlling narcissist puts themselves first. They talk about their own life a lot. They want others to praise them. If you need help, they may ignore you. They might change the topic to their own problems.
Type of Narcissism | Characteristics | Manifestation of Self-Centeredness |
|---|---|---|
Thinks highly of self, wants admiration | Tries to control to feel superior | |
Vulnerable Narcissism | Feels weak inside, needs others to feel good | Gets angry if self-image is threatened |
Lack Of Understanding
You may feel like they never really understand you. They do not try to see things your way. When you share your feelings, they may get annoyed or angry. This can make you feel alone.
“People with NPD often cannot name or explain their feelings. They have trouble with emotions like sadness, shame, and insecurity.”
Expert Quotes
Dr. Elsa Ronningstam says narcissists can understand feelings but choose not to care. Dr. Peter Fonagy says, “Narcissists often do not want to empathize.” These expert ideas show why lack of empathy is a big sign of a controlling narcissist.
4. Isolation
Isolation is one of the worst signs of a controlling narcissist. You might notice you see friends and family less. Sometimes, you feel alone even when people are around. This is not a mistake. Narcissists use isolation to get more control over you.
Cutting Off Support
A controlling narcissist tries to keep you away from your support group. They want you to depend only on them. This helps them control what you think and do.
Limiting Contact
You might notice these things:
The narcissist tells you not to see your friends or family.
They call or text you a lot when you are with others.
They make you feel bad for spending time away from them.
They tell lies or spread rumors to hurt your relationships.
A smear campaign means the narcissist spreads lies about you. This hurts your reputation and keeps you away from people who care. When others see you in a bad way, you lose support. This gives the narcissist more power over you.
Creating Dependency
When you stop talking to your support group, you may depend more on the narcissist. They become the main person you go to for comfort and advice. This makes it hard to leave or even see the problem.
Research Findings
Studies show that being kept away from family and friends is often the first sign of narcissistic control. If someone tries to keep you from loved ones, it is a warning sign.
Isolation Tactic | Description | Peer-Reviewed Source |
|---|---|---|
Limiting Social Contact | Telling you not to spend time with friends/family | Day et al. (2021) |
Smear Campaigns | Spreading lies to hurt your reputation | Nook et al. (2022) |
Constant Monitoring | Calling or texting a lot when you are with others | Day et al. (2021) |
Social Withdrawal
Social withdrawal happens when you start to stay away from others. This can happen because of the narcissist’s actions or how you react to them.
Warning Signs
Watch for these signs in your life:
You stop talking to friends or family.
You feel sad, lonely, or stuck.
You find it hard to trust people.
You do not want to do fun things with others.
You feel like you do not know who you are anymore.
Impact On Relationships
Isolation can hurt your relationships in many ways. You may feel worried or very sad. You might start to believe the mean things the narcissist says. Over time, you could forget what you like or who you are.
- Feeling alone and tired is common.
You may get nervous around people or not trust them.
You might feel stuck and think you cannot leave.
Psychological Effect | Description | Source |
|---|---|---|
Chronic Loneliness | Feeling alone even with people around | Nook et al. (2022) |
Learned Helplessness | Feeling like you cannot change things | Day et al. (2021) |
Loss of Identity | Forgetting what you want or need | Nook et al. (2022) |
Case Studies
Relationship helpers often meet people who feel cut off from everyone. One story is about someone who stops seeing friends because their partner always wants them to stay home. After a while, this person feels more alone and unsure.
Victims often feel sad and lonely.
Many have trouble trusting or making new friends.
Losing your sense of self is common and makes healing hard.
If you see these signs, remember: isolation is a strong way to control. Noticing it is the first step to getting your life and friends back.
5. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is one of the worst signs of a controlling narcissist. You might feel like you cannot trust your own memory. You may also doubt your own choices. This trick makes you wonder what is real and what is not. After a while, you might start to question yourself in every situation.
Reality Distortion
A controlling narcissist changes how you see reality. They twist facts and deny things they said before. Sometimes, they make you feel like you are always wrong. This keeps you confused and easier to control.
Psychological Manipulation
You might notice these gaslighting tricks:
Countering: They say your memory is wrong.
Withholding: They act like they do not understand you.
Blocking or diverting: They change the topic to avoid your worries.
Forgetting or denial: They say past events never happened.
Intermittent reinforcement: They switch between being nice and mean.
Trivializing: They say your feelings do not matter.
Blatant lies: They lie even when you know the truth.
These tricks make you feel lost and weak.
Common Phrases
You might hear things like:
“That never happened.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You always get things wrong.”
“I never said that.”
These words make you lose trust in yourself and what is real.
Studies On Gaslighting
Researchers found many ways narcissists change reality:
Tactic | Description |
|---|---|
Projection | They blame you for what they do wrong. |
DARVO | They deny, attack, and act like they are the victim. |
Competence Gaslighting | They say you cannot do things well to make you doubt yourself. |
Triangulation | They bring in others to make you jealous or worried. |
Playing the Victim | They pretend to be hurt to hide what they did. |
Self-Doubt
Gaslighting makes you doubt yourself a lot. You may start to feel unsure about your own thoughts.
Emotional Instability
Your feelings might change very fast. One moment you feel sure, then you feel lost. This is not your fault. Gaslighting causes these ups and downs.
Victim Impact
Studies show gaslighting can hurt your mental health:
Psychological Consequence | Description |
|---|---|
PTSD | You may feel jumpy, numb, or have flashbacks (Briere & Scott, 2015). |
Erosion of Self-Trust | You find it hard to trust yourself, which can cause anxiety and sadness (Stern, 2018). |
Cognitive Distortions | You may get paranoid and have trouble trusting others (Garety et al., 2019). |
Increased Risk of Psychosis | Long-term tricks can make mental health problems worse (Freeman & Garety, 2014). |
Expert Analysis
Experts say gaslighting is a strong way to control people. Dr. Robin Stern, who wrote The Gaslight Effect, says, “Gaslighting erodes your sense of self and makes you dependent on the abuser for reality.” If you see these signs, remember your feelings and memories are important. Noticing gaslighting is the first step to getting free from it.
6. Jealousy And Possessiveness
Jealousy and possessiveness are strong signs of a controlling narcissist. You may notice these traits early in a relationship, but they often grow over time. These behaviors can make you feel trapped or watched. Let’s break down what to look for.
Extreme Jealousy
Controlling Behavior
A controlling narcissist often wants to know everything you do. They may check your phone, ask about your friends, or question your plans. You might feel like you have no privacy. This is not about love or care. It is about control.
They set strict rules for who you can see or talk to.
They want to know where you are at all times.
They get upset if you spend time with others.
“If you feel like you must report every move, you may be facing extreme jealousy.”
Accusations
You may hear unfair accusations. The narcissist might say you are flirting or cheating, even when you are not. These accusations can make you feel guilty or anxious.
Common Accusations | How It Feels for You |
|---|---|
“You care more about them.” | You feel torn or defensive. |
“You’re hiding something.” | You feel mistrusted. |
“You want to leave me.” | You feel pressured to prove loyalty. |
These words are meant to keep you on edge and make you doubt yourself.
Research Evidence
Relationship studies show that narcissists use jealousy to control partners. They may:
Create situations to make you jealous.
Threaten to leave if you do not follow their rules.
Make you feel guilty for wanting independence.
Possessive Actions
Monitoring
A controlling narcissist may watch your every move. They might check your messages, follow your social media, or even show up unannounced. This constant monitoring can make you feel like you have no space.
They call or text you many times a day.
They want passwords to your accounts.
They show up where you are without asking.
Restricting Freedom
You may notice your freedom shrinking. At first, you might agree to small requests, like quitting a hobby or job. Over time, these requests grow. You may feel like you cannot make choices for yourself.
They ask you to stop seeing certain friends.
They want you to quit activities you enjoy.
They make you feel bad for wanting time alone.
“Narcissists disrupt your autonomy because they need control. They set strict rules and expect you to follow them, which limits your freedom.”
Expert Insights
Experts say these actions can slowly take away your independence. You may start to doubt your own choices. You might feel like you cannot do anything right without their approval.
Controlling, vindictive, and intrusive behaviors are common.
Narcissists often play games to manipulate you.
Some even use stalking or threats to keep you close.
Possessive Action | Impact on You | Source |
|---|---|---|
Isolation from friends | You feel alone | Day et al. (2021) |
Inducing guilt | You feel responsible for them | Nook et al. (2022) |
Threats to leave | You fear losing the relationship | Day et al. (2021) |
If you notice these signs, remember: healthy relationships do not require you to give up your freedom or privacy. Recognizing jealousy and possessiveness is the first step to taking back your autonomy.
7. Criticism And Belittling
Criticism and belittling are ways controlling narcissists make you feel small. You might hear mean jokes, rude comments, or insults often. These actions slowly take away your confidence. They can make you wonder if you are good enough.
Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse from a narcissist can happen every day. You may hear harsh words about how you look or what you do. These words are meant to hurt you and make you feel weak.
Insults
Narcissists use insults to gain power over you. They might call you names or make cruel jokes. These words are supposed to make you feel less important.
Form of Verbal Abuse | Description |
|---|---|
Name-calling | Using mean names to make you feel bad |
Belittling | Making you feel like you do not matter |
Constant Criticism | Always saying negative things about you |
Gaslighting | Making you question what is real |
Emotional Blackmail | Using threats to control what you do |
Put-Downs
Put-downs can be easy to spot or hard to notice. You might hear things like, “You never get it right,” or, “Why can’t you be like them?” These words make you doubt yourself.
Belittling
Bullying
Accusing
Blaming
Shaming
Demanding
Ordering
Threatening
Criticizing
Sarcasm
Raging
Opposing
Undermining
Interrupting
Blocking
Name-calling
Studies On Abuse
Research shows criticism and belittling can hurt your mind deeply. If you hear harsh words when you are young, it can change how you see yourself. Narcissists often get angry when someone criticizes them.
Study | Findings |
|---|---|
Bushman & Baumeister, 1998 | |
Thomaes, Bushman, et al., 2008 | Narcissists act out when they lose or get judged. |
Denissen, Thomaes, & Bushman, 2018 | Narcissism can cause people to get physical when they feel threatened. |
Undermining
Undermining is when a narcissist tries to make you doubt yourself. You may feel lost or like you cannot do anything right.
Sarcasm
Sarcasm is used to hurt you in a sneaky way. You might hear, “Nice job, genius,” or, “Wow, you really messed up.” These sound like jokes but are meant to hurt.
Study | Findings |
|---|---|
Horton & Sedikides, 2009 | Narcissists put others down when they feel hurt. |
Kernis & Sun, 1994 | Criticism makes narcissists try to ruin others’ reputations. |
Stucke & Sporer, 2002 | Narcissists act mean to people who judge them. |
Dismissiveness
Dismissive words make you feel like you do not matter. You might hear, “That’s not important,” or, “You’re overreacting.” These words make you feel ignored.
If you feel left out or made fun of, remember your feelings are real. You deserve to be treated with respect.
Expert Commentary
Therapists give tips to help you stay safe:
Do not let people embarrass you in front of others; talk to them alone.
Stand up for yourself if someone blames you unfairly.
Stay calm and act mature.
Believe in your own memories and feelings.
Write down what happens in a journal.
Repeat the facts calmly without fighting.
Be kind to yourself during this time. It is normal to feel sad or confused. Being assertive helps you set limits. You can say, “I want feedback that is respectful.” This helps you keep your self-worth.
Criticism can help you grow, but you need to know when it is not helpful. You are strong for standing up for yourself.
Impact
Emotional Effects
Living with a controlling narcissist can change your feelings every day. You might feel strong emotions that are hard to handle. Many people feel:
Anxiety
Depression
Self-harm
Frustration from dependence
Fear
Confusion
Anxiety
You may feel nervous or worried most days. This can make it hard to sleep or pay attention. Sometimes, you expect bad things to happen even when things seem fine. Gaslighting and blame-shifting can cause this worry.
If you feel tense or scared near someone, your body is warning you.
Depression
Feeling sad or hopeless is common with a controlling narcissist. You might stop liking things you used to enjoy. Some people feel tired all the time or want to be alone. Depression can make you think you are not good enough.
Emotional Effect | Description | Peer-Reviewed Source |
|---|---|---|
Depression | Always feeling sad, not enjoying things | Day et al. (2021) |
Self-harm | Hurting yourself to deal with pain | Nook et al. (2022) |
Frustration | Feeling stuck or helpless | Day et al. (2021) |
Self-Worth
Your self-worth can drop after lots of criticism and manipulation. You might start to believe bad things about yourself. Low self-esteem makes it hard to trust your choices.
You may doubt what you can do.
You might feel like you do not deserve respect.
You could stop standing up for yourself.
Relationship Damage
A controlling narcissist can hurt your relationships with others. You may find it hard to trust people or make new friends.
Trust Issues
Trust can become a big problem. You may worry that others will lie or hurt you. This fear can stop you from opening up or making friends.
Hard to trust others
Fear of being betrayed
Worry about being tricked
Relationship Impact | Description | Source |
|---|---|---|
Low Self-Esteem | Hard to make new friends | Nook et al. (2022) |
Relationship Issues | Trouble keeping good connections | Day et al. (2021) |
Difficulty Trusting | Fear of being hurt again | Nook et al. (2022) |
Future Relationships
After abuse, it can be hard to build healthy relationships. You might feel nervous about meeting new people. Some people avoid close friends to protect themselves.
Emotional pain can last a long time.
Anxiety and depression make trust hard.
You may need time and help to heal.
Expert Perspectives
Many experts say you can get better with help. Support groups and therapy can really help. You do not have to face these problems alone.
Expert | Key Insights |
|---|---|
Dr. Beth I. Wilner | Support helps you move from victim to survivor. Manipulation can still happen after leaving. |
Leigh (Client) | Building self-esteem and support helps you heal. Sharing your story helps recovery. |
Dr. Matthew G. Mandelbaum | Therapy helps you become stronger and build good relationships. |
Conclusion
Noticing the signs of a controlling narcissist keeps your feelings safe and helps you make clear rules for yourself. You can learn more about your self-worth and have better friendships. Mental health experts say these things are important:
Narcissists try to control people by using tricks and hurting feelings.
They do not care about others and only think about themselves.
Finding out early helps you feel better and know who you are.
Good rules protect you from getting hurt in your mind.
If you see these signs soon, you can make better choices and find healthier relationships.
Transform your Inner Chaos into authentic personal growth!
Stay informed on the latest research advancements covering:
Co-Parenting With A Narcissist
Frequently Asked Questions
What is a controlling narcissist?
A controlling narcissist tries to manage your actions and feelings. You may notice they ignore your needs, use manipulation, and show little empathy. Their main goal is to keep power over you.
How do I know if someone is gaslighting me?
You may feel confused or doubt your memory. The person might deny things you know happened or say you are too sensitive. Trust your feelings. If you question your reality often, gaslighting could be happening.
What should I do if I feel isolated by a narcissist?
Reach out to trusted friends or family. Try to rebuild your support network. You can also talk to a therapist. Remember, you deserve healthy connections and support.
Is it my fault if I feel guilty around a narcissist?
No, it is not your fault. Narcissists often use guilt to control others. You did nothing wrong by having your own feelings or needs. Recognize these tactics and protect your self-worth.