Last updated on November 21st, 2025 at 03:05 am
9 Signs Of Dating An Avoidant Narcissist can be seen in how your partner acts. They pull away when you want to be close. But they want attention when it helps them. You might see them avoid deep talks. They blame others and have trouble showing real empathy.
Avoidant attachment and narcissism both make people seem distant. But narcissists also act like they are better and try to control things. Their actions can confuse you. Sometimes they are warm, but often they are cold. If you notice these things, it is more than just not wanting commitment.
Key Takeaways
Emotional distance is an important sign. If your partner acts cold or does not respond much, it could mean they have avoidant narcissistic traits.
Communication that changes a lot can be confusing. If your partner is sometimes caring and sometimes far away, this is a warning sign.
Being defensive and blaming others happens often. If your partner almost never says they are wrong and blames you instead, it can hurt how you feel about yourself.
Avoiding intimacy is a big problem. If your partner does not want deep talks and hides things, it can build emotional walls.
Watch for grandiosity. If your partner wants praise and talks about themselves a lot, they may care more about their own needs than yours.
Problems with accountability are common. If your partner does not say sorry and ignores criticism, it can make you feel upset in the relationship.
Commitment issues can make you feel unsure. If your partner does not want to talk about the relationship or plan for the future, it could mean there are bigger problems.
Control and manipulation can lower your self-worth. If you feel bad for sharing your needs, you should notice this unhealthy behavior.
Avoidant Narcissist Defined
Key Traits
Narcissism
If you date someone with narcissistic traits, you might see certain patterns. These patterns are what experts talk about in the DSM-5.
Here is a table that shows the main signs of narcissism, with simple examples:
Characteristic | Description | Example |
|---|---|---|
Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance | Thinks they are better than others and wants praise. | Your partner says they are the best, even if others help too. |
Fantasies of Unlimited Success or Power | Always dreams about being rich or famous. | They talk about big plans but do not try to reach them. |
Belief in Being “Special” | Feels only important people can understand them. | They will not take help from people they think are not special. |
Excessive Need for Admiration | Always wants others to notice and praise them. | They want compliments all the time and get mad if ignored. |
Sense of Entitlement | Thinks they deserve special treatment. | They want to be the leader but do not help the group. |
Exploitation of Others | Uses people to get what they want. | They borrow money and never give it back. |
Lack of Empathy | Does not care about how others feel. | They ignore your feelings unless it is about them. |
Envy and Belief Others Envy Them | Gets jealous or thinks others are jealous of them. | They say you are jealous of their success. |
Arrogant or Haughty Behavior | Acts rude or looks down on others. | They interrupt people or act like they know everything. |
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment changes how someone acts in relationships. Your partner may pull away when you want to be close. They do not like deep talks and hide their feelings. They might be scared to depend on others or let others depend on them. This can make you feel lonely, even when you are together.
Combined Impact
When narcissism and avoidant attachment mix, things get confusing. Your partner may want praise but not real closeness. Sometimes they act cold, then suddenly want your attention. Studies show people with avoidant attachment can have traits like grandiose narcissism and Machiavellianism.
Here is a table that shows how these traits overlap:
Trait | Attachment Style | Overlap Found |
|---|---|---|
Machiavellianism | Avoidant | Yes |
Grandiose Narcissism | Avoidant | Yes |
Sadism | Avoidant | Yes |
Psychopathy | Anxious | Yes |
Dark Tetrad Variance | All Attachment Styles | 20% |
Expert Insights
Research Findings
Vulnerable narcissism can lead to both anxiety and avoidance in relationships.
People with these traits have trouble with feelings and close bonds.
Therapist Quotes
Narcissistic traits often go with dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant styles.
People with these patterns keep their distance to avoid getting hurt, which causes rocky relationships.
Case Examples
Your partner may treat you very well at first, then later pull away or say mean things. This back-and-forth is a big sign. If you see these actions, you might be dating an Avoidant Narcissist.
Common Misconceptions About Avoidant Narcissism
Not every avoidant person is a narcissist. Avoidant attachment does not always mean someone is selfish or wants praise.
Narcissism can look different in men and women. Culture can change how these traits show up.
Overt narcissists act openly better than others, but covert narcissists hide their need for praise by acting shy or sensitive.
Some people think narcissists cannot change, but therapy can help if they want to improve.
Remember, knowing these signs helps you spot problems early and make smart choices in your relationships.
Signs Of Dating An Avoidant Narcissist
1. Emotional Distance
Dating someone with avoidant narcissistic traits can make you feel lonely. You might feel alone even when you are with them. Here are some things you may notice:
Lack Of Empathy
Your partner might not care about your feelings. You could share something important, but they do not listen or change the topic. Many people in these relationships feel confused by their partner’s cold actions.
One woman thought her ex-husband’s coldness was her fault. Later, she learned he used distance and neediness to control her feelings. This happens a lot in these kinds of relationships.
Withholding Affection
You may want to be close, but your partner pulls away. They might not want hugs, kisses, or even small kind acts. This can make you feel rejected and not important. After a while, you may start to doubt yourself.
Avoiding Vulnerability
People with avoidant narcissistic traits are scared of deep connections. They worry that opening up will make them lose control. Here are some reasons why they act distant:
They have trouble sharing feelings or seem like they do not care.
They think closeness will make them feel weak.
This distance causes mixed messages and needs that are not met.
These actions create a bad cycle. You try harder to get close, but your partner keeps you away. You may feel upset, lonely, or even question what is real.
2. Inconsistent Communication
Talking with an avoidant narcissist can be confusing. One day, they may text you a lot. The next day, they ignore you for hours or days. This is another big sign.
Silent Treatment
Your partner might stop talking to you after a fight. They use silence to make you feel worried and want their attention.
Hot-And-Cold
You may see your partner switch between being nice and being distant. This back-and-forth makes you feel unsure. You never know what will happen next, which can make you feel nervous.
Unpredictable Contact
Sometimes, your partner disappears without telling you. They may not answer your calls or texts. If you ask why, they give unclear reasons or say you are “too needy.”
In relationships with avoidant narcissists, communication is often missing. They do not share their needs or keep promises because they are afraid of being embarrassed or rejected. This puts their comfort first and leaves you feeling left out.
Experts say these actions create unhealthy patterns.
Here is a table that shows how avoidant people and narcissists deal with feelings and problems:
Behavior Aspect | Avoidant Individuals | Narcissists |
|---|---|---|
Emotional Regulation | Handle feelings by themselves | Depend on partners to handle their feelings |
Conflict Management | Avoid fights or shut down | Start fights to control and confuse |
Intimacy Approach | Stay away from closeness for safety | Use closeness to control others |
If you see these Signs Of Dating An Avoidant Narcissist, notice how you feel. Do you feel confused, worried, or always trying to fix things? These are warning signs that the relationship may not be good for you.
3. Defensiveness And Blame
Dating someone with avoidant narcissistic traits can be tough. You might feel confused and think problems are your fault. Your partner often does not take responsibility. They may get angry or stop talking to you.
Refusing Responsibility
Avoidant narcissists almost never admit when they are wrong. They might say they did nothing wrong or blame you instead.
Denial
Your partner may say they did not do anything bad. Even if you show proof, they might say, “I never said that,” or “You’re making it up.” This can make you doubt your memory and what is real.
Blame-Shifting
Blame-shifting happens a lot. Your partner might say you do the things they actually do. If they act selfish, they might call you selfish. If you get upset, they may say you have anger issues. This makes you feel guilty for things you did not do.
Narcissists blame you for their own problems.
They try to make you look like the one at fault.
You may feel like you have to prove you are not wrong.
Rationalizing Actions
Your partner may make excuses for their actions. They might say, “I only did that because you made me mad,” or “Anyone would do this.” These excuses help them feel better and keep control.
Anger Or Withdrawal
Defensiveness can lead to anger or your partner pulling away. They may stop talking or start fights.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when your partner will not talk or listen. They might ignore you, walk away, or stay silent. This helps them keep control and makes you feel upset.
You may feel powerless and unable to fix things.
Escalation
Arguments can get worse fast. Your partner may get very angry if you say something they do not like. Their anger can be strong, and they may not listen to reason.
Phase | Description |
|---|---|
Trigger | Something starts the fight, like an argument or feeling disrespected. |
Escalation | Bad thoughts and strong feelings get worse. |
Crisis | The narcissist acts out and cannot think clearly. |
Recovery | After some time, they start to calm down and think better. |
Post-Crisis Depression | They feel sad and do not care about others, but still focus on themselves. |
Emotional Shutdown
Withdrawal is another sign. Your partner may stop talking, ignore you, or leave for hours or days. This often happens after a fight.
Emotional withdrawal can feel like you are being punished.
You may feel alone and not know how to fix things.
If you see these signs, you may be dating an Avoidant Narcissist. Defensiveness and blame can make you feel stuck and unhappy. Knowing these behaviors can help you protect yourself and make good choices.
4. Intimacy Avoidance
Intimacy avoidance is a big sign when dating an avoidant narcissist. Your partner may keep you far away. They do not want real closeness. You might feel left out and like you are not part of their life. Here is how this can look every day.
Dodging Connection
Keeping Secrets
Your partner may hide things about their life. You ask about their day, but they give short answers. Sometimes, they change the topic. They may not tell you about their plans or friends. They might not talk about past relationships. This secrecy makes you feel left out. You may wonder if you can trust them.
Avoiding Questions
When you try to get close, your partner may avoid your questions. You ask how they feel, but they brush you off. Sometimes, they turn the question back on you. They may act annoyed. This stops honest talks. It keeps you from building trust.
Emotional Walls
You may feel like there is a wall between you and your partner. They rarely share their true feelings. When you open up, they may act cold. Sometimes, they seem uninterested. Over time, you might stop sharing too. You feel rejected. This wall blocks real closeness. You end up feeling alone.
If you always guess what your partner feels, you may face emotional walls that stop closeness.
Sabotaging Progress
Creating Distance
Avoidant narcissists often pull away when things get close. You plan a special night, but they cancel last minute. You talk about the future, and they change the topic. This keeps you from moving forward together.
Undermining Commitment
Your partner may not want to make things official. They avoid labels or future plans. When you talk about commitment, they may joke or get defensive. Sometimes, they say you are rushing. This makes you question your needs. It keeps the relationship stuck.
Making Excuses
Excuses are common with avoidant narcissists. They say they are too busy or too tired. Sometimes, they say they are not ready for serious talks. These excuses help them avoid feeling vulnerable. You do not get the closeness you want.
Many avoidant narcissists want love and attention but do not give it back.
Their fear of rejection and being open makes them ruin progress.
They want love all the time but only show care when it helps them.
Sabotaging Tactic | How It Shows Up In Relationships | Impact On You |
|---|---|---|
Canceling plans | Last-minute changes or not showing up | Disappointment, confusion |
Withholding affection | Rarely shows love or care | Feeling unloved, insecure |
Avoiding deep talks | Changes subject or leaves the room | Frustration, loneliness |
If you see these patterns, you are not alone. Many people in these relationships feel stuck in hope and disappointment. Seeing these signs helps you make smart choices for your feelings.
5. Grandiosity And Self-Focus
When you date an avoidant narcissist, they focus on themselves a lot. They want to feel special and important. This can make you feel ignored or not important.
Prioritizing Self
Ignoring Needs
Your needs are not their main concern. You might ask for help, but your partner talks about something else or says your feelings do not matter. If you share a hard day, they quickly talk about their own problems. This makes you feel like you do not matter.
Expecting Special Treatment
Avoidant narcissists think they should get more than others. They want you to change your plans for them. If you do not, they may act upset or angry. You might see them want the best seat, the biggest piece, or the most praise. This can make things tense and cause bad feelings.
Dominating Talks
Most talks are about your partner. They talk about what they did, what they want, or what is hard for them. You may find it hard to share your own thoughts. If you try, they interrupt or change the topic back to themselves.
If you feel like you are just in the background, you may be dealing with grandiosity.
Seeking Validation
Fishing For Praise
Your partner often wants compliments. They may ask, “Did you see how good I was?” or “Am I the best at this?” This need for praise can be tiring. You may feel like you always have to make them feel good.
Bragging
Bragging happens a lot. Your partner talks about their wins, even when it is not the right time. They want people to think they are special or better than others. This can make you feel small or not important.
Minimizing Others
To feel better, avoidant narcissists may put others down. They might say your wins do not matter or compare you to someone else. This can make you feel less good about yourself and doubt your worth.
Behavior | How It Shows Up | Impact On You |
|---|---|---|
Fishing for praise | Wants compliments all the time | Pressure to praise them |
Bragging | Talks about own wins a lot | Feel less important |
Minimizing others | Says your wins do not matter | Feel less confident |
Narcissists want people to admire them. This can make your relationship feel like you only give praise and get little back. Avoidant people already have trouble with closeness, so they use praise to avoid real connection.
Their self-worth depends on what others say, not on feeling good inside. When you see these things, you may notice a pattern: the more you give, the more they want, but your needs are not met.
Ask yourself: Do you feel listened to and important, or do you feel like you only make your partner feel special?
If you see these signs, you are not alone. Many people with avoidant narcissist partners feel tired and unseen. Noticing these actions is the first step to taking care of yourself.
6. Accountability Issues
When you date an avoidant narcissist, they do not take blame. Your partner almost never says they made a mistake. They do not want to be responsible for what they do. This can make you feel upset and unsure about what is real.
Avoiding Apologies
Avoidant narcissists have a hard time saying “I’m sorry.” They try to avoid blame and change the topic.
Deflecting Criticism
Your partner may turn your complaints back on you. If you say something is wrong, they might say, “You are too sensitive,” or “You always make things worse.” This makes you doubt your feelings. It also keeps you from talking about their actions.
Justifying Mistakes
Instead of saying they are wrong, avoidant narcissists make excuses. They might say, “I only did that because you made me,” or “Anyone would do the same thing.” These excuses help them feel better and stay in control.
Refusing Amends
You may never get a real apology or see them fix things. Even if they say sorry, it does not sound real. Their words do not show true regret. This can make you feel like you are not heard and cannot move forward.
If you are always the one saying sorry, your partner may not take responsibility.
Common behaviors found in relationship surveys are:
Getting bored and checking out.
Panicking when things get serious.
Using partners for validation.
Lacking genuine affection.
Fearing commitment.
Manipulating Facts
Avoidant narcissists often change facts to protect themselves. You may notice their stories do not stay the same.
Twisting Stories
Your partner may tell stories that make them look good. If you remember things another way, they say their story is right. This can make you question your memory.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is when your partner denies what happened. They might say, “That never happened,” or “You are making things up.” After a while, you may start to doubt yourself.
Rewriting History
Your partner may change the past to avoid blame. They might say, “I never said that,” or “You got it wrong.” This makes you feel confused and unsure about what is true.
Studies show avoidant narcissists use these tricks to keep control:
Lying, even when they do not need to, to confuse you.
Denying what they did and making their actions seem small.
Changing the subject to avoid talking about their behavior.
Blaming you and making you feel guilty or ashamed.
Manipulation Tactic | How It Shows Up | Impact On You |
|---|---|---|
Twisting stories | Changes details of events | Doubt your memory |
Gaslighting | Denies your reality | Feel confused, anxious |
Rewriting history | Alters past conversations | Lose trust in yourself |
If you see these things, you are not alone. Many people with avoidant narcissist partners deal with these problems. Noticing these signs can help you stay safe and make smart choices.
7. Commitment Problems
Dating an avoidant narcissist can mean you have commitment problems all the time. Your partner may not want to say what your relationship is. They avoid making plans for the future. They also like to keep their choices open. These things can make you feel unsure and not important.
Fear Of Future
Hesitating To Define
You might ask where your relationship is going. Your partner does not give a clear answer. They might say, “Let’s just see what happens,” or “Labels don’t matter.” This is not just being careful. Research shows avoidant narcissists do not like commitment because it makes them lose control. You may feel stuck and your relationship does not move forward.
Avoiding Plans
You try to make plans for the weekend or holidays. Your partner changes the subject or gives unclear answers. They might say, “I’m not sure what I’ll be doing,” or “Let’s play it by ear.” This keeps you guessing. It stops you from feeling safe about your future together.
Keeping Options
Avoidant narcissists like to keep their options open. They may use dating apps or talk to exes. You might see they do not want to be exclusive. Overt narcissists brag about their freedom. Covert narcissists act unsure or nervous. No matter what, you feel like you are not their first choice.
If your relationship always feels like it is “almost” something more, you are not alone. Many people say they feel invisible when their partner will not commit.
Commitment Problem | Overt Narcissist Example | Covert Narcissist Example | Impact On You |
|---|---|---|---|
Hesitating to define | Brags about not needing labels | Says labels make them anxious | Feel stuck, insecure |
Avoiding plans | Ignores or jokes about future talk | Says “too busy” or “not ready” | Feel unimportant |
Keeping options | Flirts openly, talks to exes | Hides online activity | Feel replaceable |
Sabotaging Stability
Creating Drama
Your partner may start fights before big events. For example, before meeting your family, they pick a fight. This drama stops real progress. Studies show avoidant narcissists use fights to avoid getting close.
Breaking Promises
Your partner often breaks promises. They agree to plans, then cancel at the last minute. You hear excuses like, “Something came up,” or “I forgot.” After a while, you stop trusting them. You expect to be let down.
Withdrawing At Milestones
Big moments like anniversaries or meeting friends can make your partner pull away. They may become distant or disappear for days. This is a warning sign. It shows they are scared of getting closer and showing feelings.
Key Signs You Might Notice:
Sudden silence after talking about the future
Excuses when you ask for more commitment
Emotional distance during important dates
Ask yourself: Do you feel like you are always waiting for your partner to care about the relationship? If yes, you may have classic commitment problems with an avoidant narcissist.
Sabotaging Behavior | What You See | How You Feel |
|---|---|---|
Creating drama | Fights before big events | Confused, anxious |
Breaking promises | Cancels plans at the last minute | Let down, frustrated |
Withdrawing at milestones | Disappears during key moments | Alone, rejected |
You should have a relationship where your needs matter and your future feels safe. If you see these signs, think about what you want and need from your partner.
8. Sensitivity To Criticism
When you date an avoidant narcissist, you might see them react very strongly to feedback. Even small suggestions can make them upset. This can cause stress and confusion in your relationship.
Overreacting
Taking Offense
If you share your feelings or ask for change, your partner may think you are attacking them. They get upset over little things. For example, if you say, “I wish we spent more time together,” they might reply, “So you think I’m a bad partner?” Both overt and covert narcissists do this. Covert types may act sad or pull away instead of getting angry.
Retaliating
Some avoidant narcissists fight back when they feel criticized. You might see them yell, talk about your old mistakes, or stop the talk quickly. This can make you feel guilty or scared to speak up. Research from the Journal of Personality Disorders (2021) says narcissists use retaliation to protect their weak self-esteem.
Refusing Dialogue
You may want to fix problems, but your partner stops talking. They might say, “I don’t want to talk about this,” or just leave. This keeps you from solving problems and blocks good communication.
If you feel like you have to be careful with your words, you are not alone. Many people in these relationships are afraid to be honest.
Shaming Others
Dismissing Concerns
Avoidant narcissists often ignore your worries. You might hear, “You’re overreacting,” or “That’s not a big deal.” This makes you question your feelings. Studies show this helps them avoid blame and stay in control.
Sarcasm
Sarcasm is another thing they use. Your partner may joke about you or use a mean voice. For example, if you say you are hurt, they might say, “Oh, poor you.” This can make you feel less confident.
Undermining Confidence
These actions can make you doubt yourself over time. You may start to think your needs do not matter. Here is a table that shows common shaming tactics and how they make you feel:
Shaming Tactic | What You Hear | How You Might Feel |
|---|---|---|
Dismissing concerns | “You’re too sensitive.” | Confused, invalidated |
Sarcasm | “Relax, it’s just a joke.” | Embarrassed, small |
Undermining confidence | “You can’t handle anything.” | Insecure, powerless |
Key signs you may notice:
You hesitate to share your feelings.
You feel anxious after giving feedback.
You start to doubt your own judgment.
Remember, healthy relationships let you talk openly and kindly. If you see these signs, you should get support and understanding.
9. Control And Manipulation
When you date an avoidant narcissist, you may notice subtle ways they try to control you. These tactics often feel confusing. You might wonder if you are overreacting. In my years as a psychologist, I have seen these patterns hurt many people. Let’s look at how these behaviors show up.
Subtle Tactics
Avoidant narcissists rarely use direct threats. Instead, they use quiet, sneaky methods to get what they want.
Guilt-Tripping
Your partner may make you feel bad for having needs. For example, you ask for more time together. They say, “I guess I’m just not enough for you.” You start to feel guilty for wanting normal things. This guilt can make you give in, even when you know you are right.
Playing Victim
You might notice your partner always acts like the injured party. If you bring up a problem, they say, “Why are you attacking me?” or “No one ever cares about my feelings.” This shifts the focus away from their actions. You end up comforting them instead of solving the real issue.
Emotional Blackmail
Emotional blackmail uses your feelings against you. Your partner may threaten to leave or withdraw love if you do not do what they want. You feel trapped. You worry about losing them, so you give in. Over time, this cycle can wear down your self-esteem and sense of self.
Emotional blackmail and guilt-tripping often lead to a cycle where you comply to avoid conflict, but feel resentful and trapped.
Common subtle control tactics include:
Gaslighting
Guilt-tripping
Passive-aggressive behavior
Tactic | Description |
|---|---|
Gaslighting | Makes you question your reality and judgment through persistent lying. |
Guilt-tripping | Manipulates you by making you feel guilty to control your actions and emotions. |
Passive-aggressive | Shows indirect resistance, causing confusion and frustration. |
Isolating Partner
Control does not stop with emotions. Avoidant narcissists often try to cut you off from support.
Discouraging Friends
Your partner may complain when you spend time with friends. They might say, “You care more about them than me.” Over time, you see your friends less. You feel more alone.
Limiting Independence
You may notice your partner questions your choices. They might ask where you are going or why you want to do things alone. This makes you second-guess yourself. You start to lose confidence in your own decisions.
Creating Dependency
The goal is to make you rely only on them. You may feel you cannot make choices without their approval. This dependency grows slowly. One day, you realize you have lost touch with your old life.
These tactics can erode your self-esteem and personal identity. You may feel trapped between your partner’s demands and your own needs.
Why do avoidant narcissists use these tactics?
They need constant validation.
They want to stay in control.
If you notice these signs, ask yourself: Do you feel more isolated, confused, or unsure of yourself than before? Recognizing these patterns is the first step to taking back your power.
Conclusion
Dating an avoidant narcissist can make you feel lost and alone. You may start to question yourself and feel unsure about your worth. Their emotional distance and blaming can hurt your confidence. They use control tricks that slowly make you feel less good about yourself. After a while, you might feel anxious and have trouble trusting people.
You might struggle with daily tasks and feel alone.
Physical symptoms like headaches or sleep problems can appear.
To keep yourself safe, talk about what you need. Use “I” statements and believe in your feelings. Getting help from therapy can help you set boundaries and see what is true.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between an avoidant narcissist and someone with just avoidant attachment?
An avoidant narcissist wants praise and likes to control others. Someone with avoidant attachment just feels scared of getting close. Narcissists act like they are better and try to trick people. Avoidant people only have trouble with closeness.
How can you spot covert versus overt narcissistic traits in avoidant partners?
Overt narcissists act like they are the best and want attention. Covert narcissists hide their need for praise and act hurt. Covert types use guilt and act like the victim. Overt types brag a lot and ignore your feelings.
What impact does dating an avoidant narcissist have on your mental health?
You may feel worried, alone, or start to doubt yourself. Research shows partners often feel bad about themselves and get stressed. You might have trouble sleeping or get headaches. Getting support and setting limits helps keep you safe.
Are there warning signs before a relationship becomes toxic?
You may see your partner act distant, blame you, or talk less early on. They avoid deep talks and do not take blame. These signs often show up before bigger problems happen.