• Key Takeaways
• 1. Playing the Victim: A Common Tactic Narcissists Use
• Why Narcissists Use This Tactic
• Family Dynamics
• Workplace Manipulation
• 2. Gaslighting: Making You Question Your Reality
• Core Tactics
• Common Scenarios
• 3. Blame Shifting: Deflecting Responsibility
• How It Unfolds
• Common Scenarios
• 4. Silent Treatment: A Passive-Aggressive Strategy
• How It Works
• Common Scenarios
• 5. Emotional Blackmail: Threatening Love or Support
• Blackmailers follow a predictable cycle:
• Key Signs and Examples
• Types of Blackmailers
• 6. Triangulation: Pitting People Against Each Other
• How It Works
• Family Dynamics
• Social Circles
• 7. Overreacting to Criticism: Turning Feedback Into Guilt
• Unresolved Emotional Pain
• Narcissistic Behavior
• Family Discussions
• Workplace Feedback
• Signs of Manipulation
• 8. Bringing Up Past Mistakes: Keeping You in a Submissive Position
• How the Tactic Functions
• Why Narcissists Use This
• Control Through Reminders
• Real-World Scenarios
• Recognizing Manipulation
• 9. Comparing You to Others: Undermining Your Self-Worth
• Core Tactics
• Signs
• 10. Instilling Self-Doubt
• Core Tactics
• Real-World Scenarios
• Recognizing Self-Doubt Tactics
• 11. Invalidating Your Experiences
• Mechanisms of Invalidation
• Common Scenarios
• Recognizing Invalidating Behavior
• 12. Withholding Affection or Love as a Punishment
• Definition and Mechanism
• Why Narcissists Use This Tactic
• Real-World Examples
• Signs of Manipulation
• 13. Projection
• Definition of Projection
• Mechanism
• Key Reasons
• Real-Life Examples
• Recognizing Signs
• Conclusion
• Protective Strategies
• From Embrace Inner Chaos to your inbox
• Frequently Asked Questions
• How can I recognize if someone is gaslighting me?
• Why do narcissists play the victim?
• How does blame-shifting work?
• What should I do if someone uses the silent treatment on me?
• How can I protect myself from emotional blackmail?

Narcissists have a way of employing tactics that make you feel guilty with include gaslighting, blame-shifting, and playing the victim, emotional blackmail (threatening withdrawal of affection), even when you’ve done nothing wrong.

Whether it’s subtle remarks, passive-aggressive comments, or exaggerated displays of suffering, these tactics aim to shift blame and manipulate others into compliance.

They might also use self-pity to frame themselves as victims, forcing you to feel responsible for their happiness. This blog reveals 13 underhanded tactics self-centered Individuals use to weaponize guilt.

Key Takeaways

• Narcissists use tricks like lying and blaming to control your feelings.

• Knowing their victim act shows how they avoid blame and get pity.

• Lying makes you question what’s real; watch for denial and lies.

• Blaming puts their mistakes on you, making you feel bad for them.

• Ignoring you is a way to control; set rules to stop this.

• Guilt and threats are used to control you; their joy isn’t your job.

1. Playing the Victim: A Common Tactic Narcissists Use

Playing the victim occurs when someone falsely positions themselves as the wronged party to manipulate emotions and shift blame, even when they’re the aggressor. Narcissists weaponize this tactic to evade accountability, distort reality, and exploit others’ empathy.

Why Narcissists Use This Tactic

• Avoiding accountability: By framing themselves as victims, they deflect blame and make others question their own role in conflicts.
• Gaining sympathy: Portraying helplessness or unfair treatment helps them mobilize support from those unaware of their manipulative patterns.
• Maintaining control: Triggering guilt in others forces compliance, allowing narcissists to dominate relationships and avoid confronting their fragile self-esteem.

Mechanism	Description
Delusions of Grandeur	False beliefs about oneself that create a fragile self-esteem, leading to victimization narratives.
Projection	Unconsciously attributing one’s own feelings onto others, resulting in perceiving oneself as a victim.
Need for Control	Manipulating situations by playing the victim to regain control in social interactions.
Narcissistic Rage	Reacting to criticism or rejection by feeling victimized, which can serve to deflect accountability.

Family Dynamics

Parental manipulation: A narcissistic parent might claim victimhood to avoid accountability, saying, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” This guilt-trips the child into doubting their self-worth.

Sibling rivalry: A narcissistic sibling might accuse others of favoritism, exaggerating their own struggles to garner sympathy. For example, they might claim, “No one ever listens to me” to isolate the other sibling.

Workplace Manipulation

DARVO strategy: Narcissists deny wrongdoing, attack the accuser, and reverse roles. If confronted about unprofessional behavior, they might retort, “You’re too critical” or “I’m under so much pressure” to deflect accountability.

Blame-shifting: A coworker might miss deadlines but blame colleagues, saying, “No one supports me” to avoid responsibility.

2. Gaslighting: Making You Question Your Reality

Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic where someone distorts your perception of reality to gain control. Originating from the 1938 play Gas Light, it involves persistent lies or denial of facts to undermine your confidence and sanity.

Core Tactics

• Reality Denial: Dismissing clear memories with phrases like “That never happened” or “You’re imagining things”.
• Lying: Fabricating truths even when contradicted by evidence.
• Emotional Dismissal: Minimizing concerns by labeling you “too sensitive” or “overreacting”.
• Fact Twisting: Reinterpreting events to frame you as the aggressor.
• Information Withholding: Refusing acknowledgment to create confusion.
• Pattern of Lies: Frequent denial of verifiable facts.
• Emotional Control: Phrases like “You’re crazy” or “No one believes you”.
• Behavioral Inconsistency: Actions contradicting stated intentions.

Common Signs of Gaslighting

You might notice certain patterns if you’re being gaslit. Here are some common signs psychologists have identified:

• “You’re being too sensitive.“

• “That never happened. You must be imagining things.”

• “I never said that. You’re putting words in my mouth.”

• “You’re the one with the problem, not me.”

Common Scenarios

• Romantic Relationships: Denying infidelity or flirty behavior despite evidence.
• Workplace: Managers dismissing contributions or denying instructions.
• Family: Dismissing traumatic memories with “That never happened”.

3. Blame Shifting: Deflecting Responsibility

Blame shifting occurs when individuals evade responsibility by transferring fault to others. Narcissists employ this tactic to preserve their self-image and control relationships.

How It Unfolds

1. Provocation: The narcissist commits a hurtful act.
2. Deflection: When confronted, they invert accusations (“You caused my reaction”).
3. Victim Roleplay: Position themselves as the aggrieved party.
4. Guilt Induction: The victim apologizes despite the narcissist’s culpability.

Common Scenarios

Family Interactions

• A parent justifying outbursts: “If you behaved better, I wouldn’t yell.”
• A sibling gaslighting boundaries: “You’re selfish for saying no.”
• Partners deflecting mistakes: “You should’ve reminded me about our anniversary.”

Workplace Tactics

• Managers scapegoating subordinates: “The project failed due to your negligence.”
• Colleagues shifting deadlines: “I couldn’t work because you delayed the data.”

4. Silent Treatment: A Passive-Aggressive Strategy

The silent treatment is a manipulative tactic used by narcissists to control emotions through deliberate withdrawal of communication. It creates emotional distance to induce guilt, anxiety, or desperation, often forcing the victim to seek resolution.

How It Works

Control Through Withdrawal
Narcissists use silence to dominate interactions, leaving the victim uncertain and eager to regain their approval. This emotional blackmail forces the victim to apologize or “fix” the situation, even when unprovoked.

Guilt Induction
Silence exploits natural assumptions of fault, making the victim feel responsible for the narcissist’s behavior. This manipulation reinforces their control by conditioning the victim to comply.

Common Scenarios

• Family Dynamics: A parent may sulk after boundaries are set, or a sibling ignores interactions to create exclusion.
• Friendships/Social Circles: A friend stops communication post-disagreement or excludes someone in group settings.

Key Signs:

• Sudden Withdrawal: No response to communication attempts.
• Emotional Punishment: Feeling at fault without clear wrongdoing.
• Power Play: Silence used to force apologies or concessions.

Patterns to Identify:

• Frequency: Occurs after disagreements or boundary-setting.
• Trigger Points: Challenges to their behavior or needs.
• Resolution: Typically ended by the victim to regain stability.

• Duration: Notice how long the silence lasts. Is it just long enough to make you feel guilty or anxious?

5. Emotional Blackmail: Threatening Love or Support

Emotional blackmail is a manipulative tactic where individuals use fear, guilt, or obligation to control others’ actions, often through threats or withholding affection.

Blackmailers follow a predictable cycle:

1. Demand: Explicit or subtle requests (e.g., “You should spend more time with me”)
2. Resistance: Targets hesitate, prompting escalated pressure
3. Threats: Direct (e.g., “I’ll leave you”) or indirect (e.g., “You’ll ruin my life”)
4. Compliance: Targets give in to avoid emotional pain

Key Signs and Examples

• Guilt-tripping: “If you loved me, you’d do this.”
• Withholding affection: Silent treatment or emotional withdrawal

• Threats or ultimatums: “If you don’t do this, I’ll leave you.”

• Playing the victim: “You’re responsible for my unhappiness.”

Types of Blackmailers

Type	Tactics	Examples
Punishers	Direct threats (anger, silence)	“I’ll leave you if you don’t do this.”
Self-Punishers	Threaten self-harm to evoke guilt	“If you don’t help, I’ll lose my job.”
Sufferers	Blame victims for their problems	“I’m depressed because of you.”
Tantalizers	Offer conditional rewards (e.g., “I’ll love you if…”)	“I’ll support your career if you prioritize me.”

Pattern Stage	Example Behavior
Demand	“If you loved me, you’d do this for me.”
Resistance	“Why are you being so selfish? I can’t believe you’re acting this way.”
Pressure	“If you don’t help me, I don’t know what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll just give up on life.”
Compliance	You agree to their request, even if it goes against your needs or values.

6. Triangulation: Pitting People Against Each Other

Triangulation occurs when a narcissist introduces a third party into conflicts or relationships to manipulate emotions, create tension, and maintain control. Instead of direct communication, they distort facts or spread misinformation to keep others off-balance and dependent on their narrative.

How It Works

• Setup: Targets two individuals for manipulation.
• Conflict: Exaggerates or invents issues between them.
• Control: Positions as the mediator or victim, centralizing attention.

Narcissists exploit relationships by sharing selective truths or lies, fostering mistrust. For example, telling Person A, “Person B insulted you,” while informing Person B of the opposite.

Family Dynamics

• A grandparent siding with a grandchild against a parent to undermine authority.
• Parents blaming a child for marital issues (scapegoating).
• A mother-in-law speaking negatively about her daughter-in-law to other relatives, causing division within the family.

Social Circles

• Spreading rumors like “Sarah doesn’t trust you” to fuel jealousy and insecurity.
• Flirting with others to provoke doubt in relationships.

Recognizing Triangulation

• Involving third parties to validate their stance.
• Twisting facts to breed misunderstandings.
• Feigning mediation while escalating conflict.
• Isolating you from support networks.

• Playing the Mediator: They position themselves as the “peacemaker” while fueling the conflict behind the scenes.

Pattern	Example Behavior
The Setup	They share selective information to create tension between you and someone else.
The Conflict	They exaggerate or fabricate issues to pit you against the other person.
The Control	They position themselves as the “victim” or “mediator” to maintain control.
The Fallout	You feel isolated, confused, and dependent on the narcissist for clarity.

7. Overreacting to Criticism: Turning Feedback Into Guilt

Overreacting to criticism is a common tactic narcissists use to shift the focus away from their flaws and respond with exaggerated emotions like anger, tears, or even personal attacks.

Unresolved Emotional Pain

Overreactions reflect unresolved trauma, past criticism, or unprocessed emotions. Minor criticism may trigger exaggerated anger if it echoes childhood neglect or past abuse.

Example: A partner’s comment about being late might spiral into a fight due to deep-seated fears of abandonment.

Narcissistic Behavior

• Narcissistic Rage: Explosive anger when their self-image is threatened.
• Deflection/Projection: Shifting blame or attacking others to avoid accountability.
• Gaslighting: Dismissing reality to invalidate others’ emotions.

Why It Happens: Narcissists rely on admiration to sustain their self-worth. Criticism triggers a “narcissistic injury,” leading to defensive outbursts.

Family Discussions

For instance, if you mention feeling unsupported, they might respond with, “I guess I’m just a terrible parent, then!” This shifts the focus from your feelings to their exaggerated sense of victimhood, leaving you feeling guilty for speaking up.

Workplace Feedback

A narcissistic team leader might blame everyone else for project delays, criticizing their colleagues’ work ethic while refusing to acknowledge their own poor communication.

Signs of Manipulation

• Exaggerated Emotional Responses: They cry, yell, or act overly dramatic when you give constructive feedback.

• Playing the Victim: They say things like, “You’re always attacking me,” to make you feel like the bad guy.

• Deflecting Accountability: Instead of addressing the issue, they accuse you of being too critical or unfair.

• Turning the Tables: They bring up unrelated past mistakes to distract from the current conversation.

• Guilt-Tripping Statements: Phrases like, “I can’t believe you’d say that after everything I’ve done for you,” are designed to make you feel responsible for their emotions.

Here’s what to observe:

Pattern	Example Behavior
Escalation	They amplify minor feedback into a full-blown argument to make you feel guilty.
Blame Shifting	They redirect the conversation to your flaws instead of addressing their own.
Emotional Blackmail	They use phrases like, “If you cared about me, you wouldn’t criticize me.”

8. Bringing Up Past Mistakes: Keeping You in a Submissive Position

Narcissists exploit past mistakes to manipulate emotions, maintain control, and reinforce power dynamics. This tactic involves selective memory, exaggeration, and strategic timing to induce guilt and self-doubt, shifting focus from their behavior to yours.

How the Tactic Functions

Selective Memory
They recall only your errors, ignoring their own. For example: “You’re always messing up like last time“—erasing their role in conflicts.

Exaggeration
Minor issues become catastrophic: *”That one mistake ruined everything”*—amplifying harm to justify their dominance.

Timing
Deployed during arguments or assertiveness: *”You’re no saint”*—deflecting accountability and silencing criticism.

Why Narcissists Use This

1. Control Through Guilt
   Keeps you emotionally dependent on their approval. Dr. Ramani Durvasula notes: “They thrive on power dynamics”.
2. Power Imbalance
   Constant reminders ensure you’re always apologizing or defending, granting them dominance.
3. Narrative Manipulation
   Frames you as flawed, positioning them as superior or forgiving.

Control Through Reminders

By keeping you focused on your flaws, they divert attention from their own. This tactic also reinforces their superiority, as they position themselves as the one who’s “forgiven” you or “put up” with your shortcomings.

• They make you feel foolish, reflecting their own insecurities.

• They divert attention from their faults to control the narrative.

• They manipulate your emotions to reinforce their dominance.

Real-World Scenarios

• Family: “After all I’ve done for you”—using past failures to guilt-trip during conflicts.
• Relationships: Blaming partners for their own sabotage (e.g., “You’re neglecting me” after ignoring family needs).

One woman shared how her husband ruined family gatherings by redirecting attention to himself. For example, he once announced he wanted a divorce during Christmas, causing emotional distress and ensuring the focus stayed on him.

Recognizing Manipulation

Key Signs

• Selective Recall: Only your mistakes matter.
• Exaggerated Blame: Minor errors become unforgivable.
• Emotional Triggers: Past mistakes resurface during disputes or assertiveness.
• Shifting Blame: Your errors justify their actions.

9. Comparing You to Others: Undermining Your Self-Worth

Narcissists use comparison to undermine self-worth by exploiting insecurities and fostering dependency. This tactic involves highlighting others’ achievements, appearance, or behavior to create feelings of inadequacy and maintain control.

Core Tactics

Family Dynamics

• Competitive Siblings: Praise one sibling’s success while dismissing another’s efforts (e.g., “Your brother got straight A’s. Why couldn’t you?”).
• Dismissive Critics: Belittle achievements with sarcasm (e.g., “That’s nice, but it’s not a high-level position”).

Social Media Manipulation

• Compare your online presence to others’ curated highlights, using phrases like, “Did you see how successful they are? You should try harder.”

Signs

• Highlighting Others’ Successes: Ignoring your achievements while praising others.
• Undermining Efforts: Dismissing accomplishments with comparisons (e.g., “Sarah did it better”).
• Jealousy Sparking: Intentional comparisons to provoke envy.

• Using Social Media as a Weapon: They point out how others “seem happier” or “look better” online, making you question your worth.

• Shifting the Goalposts: No matter what you achieve, they compare you to someone else who has done more, ensuring you never feel good enough.

10. Instilling Self-Doubt

Self-doubt is a persistent uncertainty about one’s abilities, decisions, or worth. Narcissists exploit this by manipulating perceived competence, eroding confidence, and fostering dependency on their approval.

Core Tactics

1. Questioning Competence

• Masked criticism: “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”
• Diminishing achievements: “Anyone could’ve done that.”

2. Undermining Decisions

• Overcritical feedback: “This isn’t what I expected.”
• Guilt-tripping: “If you cared, you’d choose this.”

3. Emotional Manipulation

• Invalidating feelings: “You’re overreacting.”
• Gaslighting: Denying past statements to create confusion.

Real-World Scenarios

Family Dynamics

• Guilt Tripping: “Your choice is selfish.”
• Backhanded Compliments: “You finally did something right!”

Workplace Control

• Blame Shifting: “This failure is your fault.”
• Unconstructive Feedback: “This isn’t good enough.”

Recognizing Self-Doubt Tactics

• Subtle Criticism: They disguise insults as “helpful advice.” For example, “Are you sure you’re ready for that promotion? It seems like a lot for you to handle.”

• Invalidating Your Feelings: They dismiss your emotions with phrases like, “You’re overreacting,” or “You’re too sensitive.”

• Twisting Your Words: They misinterpret what you say to make you feel guilty. For instance, “So, you’re saying I’m a bad person?”

• Undermining Your Decisions: They question your choices, saying things like, “I wouldn’t do it that way, but it’s your call.”

• Creating Confusion: They contradict themselves or deny past statements, leaving you second-guessing your memory.

11. Invalidating Your Experiences

Invalidating experiences is a manipulative tactic used to undermine someone’s emotions, memories, or perceptions, often by narcissists to exert control and erode self-confidence.

Mechanisms of Invalidation

Emotional Dismissal: Statements like “You’re overreacting“ or “You’re too sensitive” downplay feelings, fostering self-doubt.
Reality Distortion: Denying events (“That’s not how it happened“) or blaming the victim (“You’re imagining things“) creates confusion.
Minimization: Comparing struggles (“It’s not that bad“) or belittling achievements (“Anyone could’ve done that“) reduces self-worth.

Common Scenarios

• Family: Parents dismissing feelings (“You’re being ridiculous“) or siblings denying harm (“You’re making a big deal out of nothing“).
• Relationships: Partners denying emotions (“You’re just being dramatic“) or romanticizing manipulation as “love”.

Recognizing Invalidating Behavior

• Dismissing Your Feelings: They say things like, “You’re overreacting,” or “You’re too sensitive,” to make you doubt your emotions.

• Twisting the Truth: They deny events or conversations, claiming, “That’s not what happened,” even when you know it did.

• Minimizing Your Struggles: They compare your challenges to others, saying, “It’s not that bad,” or “Other people have it worse.”

• Blaming You: They shift the focus by saying, “You’re imagining things,” or “You’re just being dramatic.”

• Invalidating Your Achievements: They downplay your successes with comments like, “Anyone could’ve done that,” or “It’s not a big deal.”

12. Withholding Affection or Love as a Punishment

Withholding affection or love is a manipulative tactic narcissists use to exert emotional control.

Definition and Mechanism

Withholding involves deliberately denying love, attention, or intimacy to punish, manipulate, or maintain power over a partner. Narcissists use this tactic to create emotional dependency, often following initial “love bombing” phases.

Key tactics include:

• Silent treatment/stonewalling: Ignoring communication or physical contact to induce guilt.
• Conditional affection: Granting love only when demands are met.
• Emotional withdrawal: Sudden coldness post-conflict to reinforce fear of abandonment.

Why Narcissists Use This Tactic

1. Control and power: By withholding affection, narcissists condition victims to prioritize their approval over personal needs.
2. Inducing guilt: Victims often internalize blame, believing they caused the withdrawal.
3. Trauma bonding: Intermittent affection creates addiction-like emotional dependency.

Real-World Examples

• Family dynamics: A parent ignores a child after they assert boundaries, using silence to enforce compliance.
• Romantic relationships: A partner withdraws intimacy post-argument, forcing the victim to “earn” affection back.
• Jealousy/monitoring: Accusing infidelity or controlling social interactions to maintain emotional leverage.

Signs of Manipulation

• Sudden emotional withdrawal: Unexplained coldness or ignoring attempts to connect.
• Conditional validation: Interest in achievements only when it benefits the narcissist.
• Blame-shifting: Framing their distance as the victim’s fault.

• Passive-Aggressive Behavior: They avoid direct communication but use cold stares, dismissive gestures, or sarcastic remarks to express their displeasure.

Patterns to Observe

Pattern	Example Behavior
Push-Pull Dynamics	They shower you with affection one moment and withdraw it the next, keeping you off balance.
Emotional Punishment	They use silence or distance to punish you for perceived slights.
Control Through Uncertainty	They make their affection unpredictable, leaving you constantly seeking their approval.

13. Projection

Projection is a narcissistic tactic where individuals attribute their own flaws or feelings to others to avoid accountability.

Definition of Projection

Projection involves accusing others of one’s own insecurities (e.g., jealousy, dishonesty) to deflect self-reflection. Narcissists use this to protect their fragile ego.

Mechanism

• Accusation: Blame-shifting (e.g., “You’re envious” when they feel jealous).
• Deflection: Shifts focus from their actions to your reactions.
• Emotional Manipulation: Creates self-doubt, forcing you to prove innocence.

Key Reasons

1. Deflecting Blame: Shifts responsibility (e.g., “You’re lying” when they’re dishonest).
2. Avoiding Accountability: Masks their guilt by framing you as the culprit.
3. Ego Protection: Externalizes imperfections to maintain superiority.

Real-Life Examples

• Family: Parent accuses you of selfishness after you set boundaries.
• Workplace: Colleague criticizes your work ethic while underperforming.

Recognizing Signs

• Mismatched Accusations: Claims don’t align with your behavior.
• Emotional Overreaction: Lashing out when confronted.
• Frequent Contradictions: Accusing you of traits they exhibit.

• Shifting blame during conflicts: Instead of addressing their actions, they say, “You’re the one who always does this.”

Conclusion

Self-centered individuals leverage guilt-tripping to manipulate others into compliance by exploiting emotional vulnerability.

Key tactics include:
– Blame-shifting: Phrases like “You’d do this if you truly cared” to imply fault.
– Exaggerated suffering: Feigning emotional distress to control reactions.
– Debt reminders: Highlighting past favors to create obligation.
– Boundary erosion: Framing dissent as ingratitude, as seen in cases where mothers weaponize accusations of “ungratefulness” to prevent boundary-setting.

Chronic manipulation erodes confidence, fostering anxiety/depression and strained relationships. Over time, this can manifest physically via sleep disorders or chronic pain.

Protective Strategies

– Direct communication: Use statements like “I feel hurt when you say that” to assert boundaries.
– Prioritize self-care: Focus on personal needs without guilt.
– Seek balanced relationships: Distance from manipulators to rebuild emotional resilience.

By confronting these dynamics head-on, individuals can reclaim agency and avoid long-term psychological/physical harm.

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Frequently Asked Questions

How can I recognize if someone is gaslighting me?

Look for signs like denying events you clearly remember, twisting facts, or making you feel overly sensitive. If you constantly doubt your memory or feel confused after conversations, you might be experiencing gaslighting.

Why do narcissists play the victim?

Narcissists play the victim to avoid accountability and gain sympathy. By portraying themselves as wronged, they shift the focus away from their actions and make you feel responsible for their struggles. This tactic helps them maintain control.

How does blame-shifting work?

Blame-shifting happens when a narcissist refuses to take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they accuse you of causing the problem. For example, they might say, “If you hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t have reacted that way,” making you feel guilty for their behavior.

What should I do if someone uses the silent treatment on me?

Recognize it as a manipulative tactic. Don’t blame yourself or try to “fix” the situation. Instead, set boundaries and focus on your emotional well-being. Silence is their way of controlling you, not a reflection of your worth.

How can I protect myself from emotional blackmail?

Set clear boundaries and don’t give in to guilt-tripping or threats. Remind yourself that their happiness isn’t your responsibility. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist to help you navigate these situations.