Divorce is hard, but with a covert narcissist husband, it feels worse. You might think, “Why is he so calm while I’m struggling?” or “How does he always make himself look like the victim?” These are normal questions, and many others feel the same way.
Research shows 1 in 4 divorces involve covert narcissists. These marriages are 20% more likely to fail than average. If this is your situation, knowing his tricks is very important. When covert narcissist husbands tell family about divorce, they often plan what to say.
They try to control the story and play with emotions. By spotting these actions, you can protect yourself and handle things better.
Key Takeaways
Covert narcissist husbands tell others about divorce to control the story. They try to look like the victims.
They might share the news at family events to get sympathy and attention from relatives.
When they say they tried everything to fix the marriage, it’s often a way to blame you.
Covert narcissists play with emotions by acting weak to get support and avoid blame.
They only share certain details about the relationship, changing the truth to look good.
Keeping notes of what they say and do can help you prove the truth.
Stay calm and stick to facts when answering their claims. Getting emotional can make their story seem stronger.
How Covert Narcissist Husbands Announce Divorce To Family
The Planned Timing Of Family Announcements
Pre-emptive Strike To Control The Story
When covert narcissist husbands tell family about divorce, timing is planned. They often act first to control the story before you can. This move, called a “pre-emptive strike,” helps them look like the victim. At the same time, they make you seem like the bad person.
Think about this: You’re still thinking about the divorce, but he’s already told his family. He might say, “I’ve done everything to save this marriage, but it’s failing.” This shifts blame onto you without directly accusing you. It’s a smart way to make himself seem reasonable while leaving you to defend yourself.
Experts say covert narcissists often act like victims in these situations. They avoid blame, deny causing problems, and may get angry if their story is questioned. This behavior protects their fragile self-esteem and keeps their image as the “good guy.”
Using Family Gatherings For Sympathy And Attention
Another common trick? Sharing the divorce news at family events. Why? Because it guarantees people will listen. Covert narcissist husbands love attention and sympathy, and family gatherings give them both.
Picture this: It’s Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone’s eating when your husband says, “I have hard news. We’re divorcing.” The room goes quiet. Then he adds, “I didn’t want this, but I’ve tried everything.” He’s not just sharing—he’s performing. His goal is to get sympathy and make the family see him as the one suffering.
This puts you in a tough spot. If you explain your side, you might seem mean or defensive. Meanwhile, he’s already won over the room, maybe even charming family members with kindness. This plan keeps him in control of the story, leaving you feeling alone and misunderstood.
Tip: If you think your husband might announce the divorce at a family event, prepare a calm reply. Saying, “Let’s talk about this privately later,” can help you stay composed and avoid his drama.
How Covert Narcissist Husbands Control the Story
Acting Like the Victim
The “I Tried Everything” Act to Seem Reasonable
Has your husband ever said, “I did all I could, but it wasn’t enough”? This isn’t just a comment—it’s an act. Covert narcissist husbands often use this to make themselves look like the reasonable one. They’ll talk about their supposed efforts to fix the marriage, even if they barely tried or didn’t try at all.
From what I’ve seen with clients, this is very common. They’ll tell exaggerated stories about how much they compromised or sacrificed. But they leave out times when they ignored or manipulated you. For example, one client said her husband told his family, “I begged her to go to counseling, but she refused.” In truth, he had called counseling “a waste of time” when they talked about it.
This isn’t just about making themselves look good. It’s also about making you look bad. By pretending they tried hard, they blame you. Then, you’re left trying to defend yourself against their made-up story.
Tip: When this happens, stick to the facts. If he says he tried everything, calmly remind others of what really happened. For example, “We talked about counseling, but he didn’t want to go.” Staying calm and truthful can help counter his story.
Pretending to Be the Hurt Partner
Covert narcissists are great at acting like victims. They’ll pretend to be emotionally crushed by the divorce, even if they started it. But this isn’t real sadness—it’s a trick.
Picture this: your husband tells his family, “I’m heartbroken. I never wanted this.” He might even cry to make it seem real. But when you’re alone, he’s cold and calculating. He’s using this act to get sympathy and support.
Studies show that covert narcissists use fake self-pity to avoid blame. They’ll start fights, then act hurt when you react, making you look like the bad one. This trick gets them sympathy and makes family members believe their side of the story.
Note: If you notice this, remind yourself it’s just a strategy. His emotional display isn’t real. Focus on your feelings and get support from people who know the truth.
Changing the Story to Control Family Opinions
Picking and Choosing What to Share
Covert narcissist husbands are experts at twisting the truth. They’ll pick certain moments from your relationship to create a story that benefits them. For example, they might talk about times you were upset or distant but ignore why you felt that way.
One client said her husband told his family, “She was always mad at me for no reason.” But he didn’t mention how often he dismissed her feelings or concerns. By leaving out important details, he made her look unreasonable while keeping his “good spouse” image.
Callout: Covert narcissists often lack empathy and use lies to gain control. If you feel unsure or confused, remember their version of events is meant to manipulate, not tell the truth.
Leaving Out Key Details to Rewrite History
Leaving out important facts is another trick covert narcissists use. By skipping over key parts of the story, they can change how the relationship looks. For example, they might say, “We had problems, but I always supported her,” while ignoring times they insulted or undermined you.
This isn’t just annoying—it’s harmful. It gives family members a false idea of what happened, making it harder for you to explain your side. Research shows covert narcissists often use charm to make their lies sound believable.
Tip: When dealing with this, focus on the truth. Don’t get emotional or defensive, as that can help their story. Instead, calmly share the facts and point out what they left out.
Emotional Manipulation Tactics Used By Covert Narcissist Husbands
Emotional Staging Before Revelation
Setting Up Sympathy Weeks Ahead
Covert narcissist husbands don’t just announce divorce—they plan for it. Weeks before, they start acting differently to gain sympathy. They might seem quieter, say they feel “unappreciated,” or complain about emotional struggles.
This isn’t random. It’s a way to make family members feel bad for them before sharing the divorce news. For example, one woman said her husband told his siblings, “I feel like I’m losing myself in this marriage.” When he announced the divorce, his family already saw him as the victim.
Tip: If you notice this happening, write down what you see. Keeping notes can help you explain the truth later.
Acting Like Sharing Divorce News Is Hard
When announcing divorce, covert narcissist husbands often act reluctant. They might sigh, pause dramatically, or even cry. This makes them seem like they’re forced into something they didn’t want.
Picture this: He gathers the family and says, “I didn’t want to talk about this, but I feel I owe it to you.” Then he adds, “I’ve tried everything, but it’s just not working.” This isn’t just news—it’s a performance. He wants to look noble while making you seem like the one who gave up.
Callout: Understand this is a manipulation trick. Stay calm and don’t react emotionally, as that helps his story.
Using Emotional Manipulation To Gain Support
Pretending To Be Vulnerable
Covert narcissists use fake vulnerability to get support. They share just enough “pain” to seem real but stay in control. This makes people feel sorry for them.
For example, one husband might say, “I’ve been trying so hard to save this marriage, but I feel like I’m failing.” He’s not really opening up—he’s creating a story to look sympathetic. By acting vulnerable, he gets people to take his side.
Note: If you see this, remind yourself it’s just a tactic. Focus on your own feelings instead of trying to fight his act.
The “Look At All I Did” Story
Another trick is the “Look at all I did” story. Covert narcissist husbands talk about their supposed sacrifices to make the marriage work. They’ll say things like, “I gave up so much for this relationship, and this is how it ends?”
This isn’t about truth—it’s about shifting blame. By saying they tried hard, they make you look ungrateful. Family members might ask, “Why didn’t she appreciate him more?” This makes it harder for you to share your side.
Tactic | Example |
|---|---|
Mark tried to gaslight Sarah into believing she was the reason for their failed marriage. | |
Financial Control | Mark hid assets and delayed the division of property. |
Using Children as Pawns | John tried to turn the children against Emily and dragged out the custody battle. |
Legal Maneuvering | John filed unnecessary motions to delay the divorce proceedings. |
Emotional Manipulation | Lisa portrayed herself as the victim to gain sympathy and leverage. |
Gaslighting | A tactic that involves subtly altering a person’s perception of reality, leading them to question their sanity. |
Tip: When dealing with this, stick to the facts. Calmly share what really happened instead of defending yourself against his story.
Family Triangulation Dynamics In Divorce Announcements
When covert narcissist husbands tell family about divorce, they often use a trick called triangulation. This means they mess with family relationships to split loyalties and stay in control. It’s a sneaky way to make themselves the center of attention while leaving you out. Let’s see how this works.
Splitting Family Loyalties
Making Fake Close Relationships
Covert narcissists are good at faking close bonds. They’ll pick one or two family members and act like they’re sharing deep secrets. But it’s all part of their plan. By pretending to trust someone, they make that person feel special. This “trusted person” then unknowingly becomes their supporter.
For example, your husband might tell your sister, “I don’t know who else to turn to. I feel so lost.” This makes your sister feel important but also makes her doubt you. Over time, this fake bond can pull her loyalty away from you and toward him.
Why does this work?
Covert narcissists use emotions to make others depend on them.
They share their own fears to make their “allies” feel needed.
Driving a Wedge Between You and In-laws
Another common trick? Turning your in-laws against you. Covert narcissists might tell half-truths or stretch the truth to make you look bad. They’ll say things like, “I’ve tried so hard to make her happy, but nothing works.” This makes them look like the victim and you seem ungrateful.
In many cases, this works because in-laws want to believe the best about their family member. They might start blaming you, even if the real story is more complicated. This can leave you feeling alone and unsupported during a tough time.
Tip: If this happens, don’t try to “win” people over. Stay calm and consistent. Over time, the truth will come out.
Using Family Loyalty To Protect Their Image
Turning Family Into Supporters of Their Story
Covert narcissists don’t just want sympathy—they want people to agree with them. They’ll pick certain family members to back up their story. This might mean sharing only parts of the truth or even lying. For example, they might say, “You saw how much I tried to make her happy, didn’t you?” This makes it easier for the family member to agree than to question them.
By doing this, they create a group of “supporters” who unknowingly spread their version of events. This makes it harder for you to explain your side without seeming defensive.
Using Sibling Rivalries to Gain Support
If your husband has siblings, he might use old fights between them to his advantage. He could say things like, “You’ve always been the only one who gets me.” This boosts his ego and causes more family drama. Suddenly, you’re not just dealing with him—you’re stuck in the mess he’s created.
How does this help him?
It takes attention away from what he’s done.
It keeps the family busy with their own issues instead of questioning him.
Callout: Remember, this isn’t about you. It’s about his need to control. Stay focused on your own well-being.
The Smear Campaign Plan By Covert Narcissist Husbands
How They Attack Your Character
Making People Question Your Mental Health
Covert narcissist husbands often start by making others doubt your mental state. They might say things like, “She’s been acting strange lately,” or, “I’m really worried about her.” These comments sound caring but are meant to make people question you.
This trick works because it’s not obvious. Instead of accusing you directly, they plant small doubts. Over time, these doubts grow, and you end up defending yourself. One woman shared how her ex told friends, “She’s been paranoid,” after she confronted him about lying. This shifts attention away from their actions and onto you.
Note: If this happens, write everything down. Keep notes of what they say and do. This can help you prove the truth later.
Quietly Damaging Your Reputation
Covert narcissists don’t always attack openly. They use small comments and half-truths to hurt your image. For example, they might say, “I don’t want to talk badly about her, but she’s been hard to live with.” This makes them seem kind while still making you look bad.
They also use social media to spread their narrative. A vague post like, “Some people don’t value what they have,” can make others curious and sympathetic. These tricks often get worse when they feel they’re losing control.
Tactic | Description |
|---|---|
Reputation Damage | Spreading lies or private details to harm your image. |
Social Media Manipulation | Posting vague or misleading comments to gain sympathy and hurt your reputation. |
Documentation | Keeping records of their actions can help defend against their lies. |
Tip: Don’t reply to their posts or rumors. Responding can make things worse. Focus on building a strong support system instead.
Twisting Evidence To Their Advantage
Taking Your Words Out Of Context
Covert narcissists are skilled at twisting what you say. They might take a text or email and use it as “proof” of your supposed bad behavior. For example, a message like, “I can’t handle this anymore,” could be shown to others as evidence that you’re unstable.
This feels like betrayal because you trusted them with your words. One woman shared how her ex showed their argument texts to his family but left out his own rude comments. This makes you look like the one at fault.
Callout: Be careful with what you write. Keep messages short and stick to facts, especially during a divorce.
Sharing Only Part Of The Story
Another trick is sharing just enough information to make themselves look good. They might say, “I’ve been so patient with her,” but leave out the times they caused fights. This creates a one-sided story that’s hard to correct.
While public shaming can hurt at first, it often backfires. Over time, people notice their lies and manipulations. Keeping records of their actions can also protect you legally if needed.
Tip: Stay calm when they use these tricks. Getting upset can help their story. Instead, focus on calmly sharing the full truth with those who matter.
Image Preservation Campaign During Divorce
The Public Versus Private Persona Gap
Keeping The “Good Guy” Image
Covert narcissist husbands are skilled at seeming like the “good guy.” They act kind and calm in public, hiding their true behavior. During divorce, this becomes their main trick. To others, they look like the perfect partner who was treated unfairly. But in private, their actions show a different side.
Why do they act this way? They want to protect their self-esteem. By controlling how people see them, they avoid feeling weak or exposed. They might say things like, “I just want fairness,” or “I’m trying to stay peaceful.” These words sound nice but are often part of a plan to gain sympathy and make you seem unreasonable.
Tip: Don’t let their public behavior make you doubt yourself. Focus on your truth and write down any private actions that show their real side. This can help if you need proof later.
Building A New Role With Family Sympathy
After announcing the divorce, covert narcissists change their approach. They start acting like the “survivor” of a failed marriage. This isn’t about moving on—it’s about getting attention. They share stories that make them look like they sacrificed a lot. For example, they might say, “I gave everything to this marriage, but it wasn’t enough.”
This helps them in two ways. First, it keeps everyone focused on them. Second, it makes you look like the one who caused the problems. By doing this, they get sympathy and support from family and friends.
Callout: Their story is carefully planned. You don’t need to fight their version. Instead, build your own support system with people who know the truth about you.
Social Perception Engineering
Controlling Reputation With Selective Sharing
Covert narcissists are good at sharing only parts of the story. They tell details that make them look good but leave out anything bad. For example, they might say, “I’ve been so patient, but she stopped trying.” This makes them seem like the victim without directly blaming you.
This works because it’s subtle. People don’t realize they’re hearing only half the truth. As a result, they believe the narcissist’s version of events.
Why this matters:
It helps them control the story.
It makes others doubt your side of things.
Note: If this happens, stick to the facts when you share your view. Stay calm and avoid getting emotional, as that can help their plan.
Planning A Perfect Divorce Story
Covert narcissists don’t just react—they plan ahead. Their goal is to create a story where they’re the hero or the victim. For example, they might say, “I’ve been supportive, but she’s been distant for years.” This shifts blame to you while making them look reasonable.
They also involve friends and family to back up their story. By doing this, they create a group of people who unknowingly support their version. This makes it harder for you to explain your side without facing doubt.
Tip: Don’t waste time trying to break their story apart. Focus on being honest and living your life. Over time, the truth will come out naturally.
Emotional Extortion Patterns Of Covert Narcissist Husbands
Leveraging Family Emotional Investments
The Grandchildren Access Manipulation Strategy
Does your husband suddenly act like the “best dad” or “fun uncle”? This isn’t random. Covert narcissists often use kids to control emotions. They know grandparents care deeply about their grandchildren. By controlling who sees the kids, they manipulate everyone.
For example, he might tell your parents, “I’d love for you to see the kids, but she might not agree.” This makes him seem helpful while blaming you. It’s a sneaky way to create drama and make you look bad.
Many people feel stuck when this happens. One mom shared how her ex told her parents, “I’ll bring the kids over, but only if she’s not there.” She had to choose between missing family events or looking controlling.
Tip: Write down these situations. Courts often take this behavior seriously. Stay calm and focus on keeping your kids in a stable environment.
Exploiting Parental Protective Instincts
Covert narcissists know how to use emotions, especially with your parents. They might act like the victim to gain sympathy. Saying things like, “I just want what’s best for her, but she’s so upset,” can make your parents question your choices.
This works because parents naturally want to protect their child. By pretending to be hurt, he shifts their focus from helping you to supporting him. One woman said her ex would call her mom and say, “I’m worried about her. She’s so stressed.” This made her mom doubt her daughter, even though she was handling things well.
Callout: See this for what it is—manipulation. If your parents seem unsure, calmly explain your side. Thank them for caring but remind them of the bigger picture.
Guilt-based Coercion Techniques
Family Heritage And Legacy Emotional Triggers
Does your husband suddenly care about family traditions or heirlooms? This isn’t about memories—it’s about control. Covert narcissists use family history to guilt you into agreeing with them.
For example, he might say, “I just want to keep the house for the kids. It’s been in my family forever.” This sounds caring, but it’s often a trick to stop you from standing up for yourself. He’s using guilt to avoid splitting things fairly.
Studies on narcissistic behavior show guilt is a common manipulation tool. By saying it’s “for the family,” they pressure you to give in.
Note: Don’t let guilt affect your decisions. Talk to a lawyer to understand your rights. Make choices based on fairness, not guilt.
Weaponizing Family Relationships For Ongoing Control
Even after divorce, covert narcissists use family ties to stay in control. They might act like the “main person” for family events, leaving you out. Or they’ll use shared connections to keep tabs on your life.
One woman said her ex called her brother every week, pretending to “check in.” He was really trying to get information about her. This made her feel like she couldn’t fully move forward.
Conclusion
Divorcing a covert narcissist husband can feel overwhelming, but you have power. Knowing their tricks—like controlling stories, using emotions, and splitting family—helps you stay ready. Protect yourself by staying calm, setting limits, and keeping records. These actions keep your emotions safe and prepare you for their challenges.
You don’t have to do this alone. Rely on trusted friends, family, or experts for help. Getting legal advice and emotional support can really help. Focus on moving forward. You’re stronger than you realize, and this isn’t the end. It’s just a step toward a better, happier life.
Tip: When covert narcissist husbands share divorce news, they plan carefully. Don’t let their act shake your confidence. Stay true to yourself and focus on your peace.
Transform your Inner Chaos into authentic personal growth!
Stay informed on the latest research advancements covering:
Co-Parenting With A Narcissist
Frequently Asked Questions
Why does my covert narcissist husband seem calm about the divorce?
It’s part of their plan. They act calm to look reasonable and in control. This makes others see them as the victim while you seem emotional. It’s a way to gain sympathy and manipulate people.
How can I protect myself from their lies?
Stick to facts and keep records. Save texts, emails, and notes about interactions. Don’t react emotionally to their tricks. Over time, their lies often fall apart if you stay calm and consistent.
Why do they involve family in the divorce?
Covert narcissists love control and attention. By pulling family into the drama, they create chaos and split loyalties. They use charm or fake sadness to win people over and make themselves the center of attention.
What should I do when they twist the truth?
Stay calm and stick to facts. For example, if they say, “I tried everything,” you can reply, “We talked about counseling, but you didn’t want to go.” Don’t get defensive—it helps their story if you do.
Can therapy help me handle their behavior?
Yes, therapy can help a lot. It teaches you how to set boundaries and manage emotions. A therapist can also help you heal from the pain of dealing with a covert narcissist and rebuild your confidence.
Why do they act like the victim if they wanted the divorce?
Covert narcissists pretend to be victims to gain sympathy. Acting hurt shifts blame onto you. It’s not about their feelings—it’s about controlling how others see the situation.
How can I explain their actions without sounding angry?
Use simple, clear statements. For example, “He’s sharing his side, but there’s more to it.” Don’t badmouth them or over-explain. People who know you will understand the truth in time.