Last updated on May 1st, 2025 at 11:11 am
Have you noticed your ex suddenly acting kind and cooperative during the divorce process? It might feel like a relief at first, but with a covert narcissist, this behavior often hides a deeper agenda.
They may seem nice to maintain control, protect their image, or subtly manipulate outcomes in their favor. This “nice” act isn’t about reconciliation or fairness—it’s a strategy.
Understanding why a covert narcissist being nice during divorce feels so calculated can help you stay one step ahead and protect yourself emotionally and legally.
Key Takeaways
Covert narcissists act nice during divorce to gain control. Knowing this helps you stay aware of their tricks.
Their kindness is fake and meant to make you trust them. Keep records of all talks to protect yourself.
They might seem helpful in public but act differently alone. Trust your gut and watch what they do, not just say.
Covert narcissists use emotions to take advantage of your kindness. Stay strong with your limits and don’t feel guilty.
Their sudden niceness might be to impress mediators or judges. Double-check agreements and ask experts for advice.
Watch for changes in their behavior. Real kindness stays the same, but fake kindness changes depending on who’s watching.
Be careful if they try to make you think things will work out. Their charm might be a way to keep you attached.
Psychological Motivations Behind A Covert Narcissist Being Nice During Divorce
Strategic Control Mechanisms
Recognition Of Threatened Control Dynamics
When a covert narcissist senses their control slipping during a divorce, they often switch tactics. Instead of overt manipulation, they may adopt a kind and cooperative demeanor. Why? Because losing control is their worst fear. Divorce disrupts the power dynamics they’ve carefully maintained, and this shift can feel like a direct threat to their identity. Acting nice becomes their way of regaining control without raising suspicion.
This behavior is rooted in their need for “narcissistic supply,” a term psychologists use to describe the emotional validation they crave. During a divorce, their usual sources of validation—like your attention or compliance—may dwindle. To compensate, they might act overly agreeable to keep you emotionally engaged. It’s not about genuine kindness; it’s about keeping you within their sphere of influence.
Avoiding Conflict To Gain Leverage
Have you ever noticed how a covert narcissist suddenly avoids arguments during critical moments? This isn’t a sign of maturity or growth. It’s a calculated move. By avoiding conflict, they create an illusion of cooperation, which can make you lower your guard. This tactic often works because it feels like a welcome break from the usual tension.
For example, during property division, they might agree to terms that seem fair on the surface. But behind the scenes, they could be hiding assets or planning to contest agreements later. Documenting interactions and securing financial records early can protect you from these manipulations. One client I worked with kept detailed records of her ex’s behavior, which later helped her expose his hidden financial dealings in court. Staying vigilant is key.
Image Preservation Tactics
The Psychological Pivot Toward Public Perception Management
Covert narcissists care deeply about how others see them. During a divorce, they often pivot their behavior to manage public perception. They might act overly kind or reasonable, especially in front of mutual friends, family, or even legal professionals. This isn’t about making amends; it’s about crafting a narrative where they appear as the “good guy.”
Research shows that covert narcissists use this tactic to protect their fragile self-esteem. By controlling how others perceive them, they maintain a sense of superiority. If you’ve ever felt confused by their sudden charm in public, you’re not alone. It’s all part of their strategy to keep their image intact while subtly undermining you.
Cultivating The “Reasonable Spouse” Persona For Third Parties
Have you ever felt like your ex was putting on a show for others? That’s because they probably were. Covert narcissists often cultivate a “reasonable spouse” persona to gain sympathy and support from third parties. This can include mediators, lawyers, or even judges. By appearing calm and cooperative, they make it harder for others to believe your side of the story.
One case I recall involved a client whose ex acted like the perfect co-parent during custody hearings. Behind closed doors, though, he was anything but cooperative. This duality can be incredibly frustrating, but recognizing it for what it is—a performance—can help you stay grounded. Remember, their kindness isn’t about you; it’s about controlling the narrative.
The Strategic Shift In Behavior During Divorce Proceedings
Timing Of The Behavioral Transformation
Strategic Nice Behavior After Divorce Papers Are Served
Have you noticed how your ex suddenly becomes overly agreeable right after the divorce papers are served? This isn’t a coincidence. Covert narcissists often shift gears at this stage, adopting a kind and cooperative demeanor. Why? Because they know the legal process has officially begun, and their actions are now under scrutiny. Acting nice becomes a calculated move to appear reasonable and avoid drawing negative attention.
This behavior often masks their true intentions. For instance, they might agree to temporary arrangements, like custody schedules or financial support, only to later challenge them when it suits their agenda. Their goal is to create a false sense of security, making you believe they’re willing to compromise. But in reality, they’re just biding their time to regain control. Staying cautious and documenting every agreement can help you avoid falling into this trap.
Tactical Kindness During Property Division Negotiations
When it comes to dividing assets, a covert narcissist’s niceness often reaches its peak. They might charm you with statements like, “I just want this to be fair,” or “Let’s keep things simple.” On the surface, this seems refreshing. But underneath, it’s a strategy to manipulate the outcome in their favor.
Studies show that covert narcissists excel at subtle resistance tactics. They might delay providing financial documents or downplay the value of certain assets. By appearing cooperative, they aim to discourage you from digging deeper. For example, one client I worked with discovered her ex had hidden significant assets after he insisted on a “quick and fair” settlement. Always consult a financial expert to ensure nothing is overlooked.
Context-Specific Kindness Patterns
Selective Niceness Only When Witnesses Are Present
Have you ever noticed how your ex seems like a completely different person when others are around? This is a classic covert narcissist move. They’ll turn on the charm in front of mediators, lawyers, or even mutual friends, creating the illusion of being the “reasonable” party. This selective niceness isn’t about genuine goodwill—it’s about controlling the narrative.
For example, during a mediation session, they might agree to terms that seem fair, only to backtrack later in private. This duality can leave you feeling frustrated and confused. Recognizing this pattern is crucial. Keep detailed records of all agreements and avoid relying solely on verbal commitments.
Private Versus Public Behavioral Disparities
Behind closed doors, the mask often slips. While they may act kind and cooperative in public, their private behavior can be entirely different. They might use subtle digs, guilt trips, or even gaslighting to undermine your confidence. This stark contrast can make you question your own perceptions, which is exactly what they want.
One common tactic is reminiscing about the “good times” in your relationship to create doubt. They might say things like, “Remember when we were happy? We can get back to that.” This isn’t about reconciliation—it’s about keeping you emotionally tethered. Stay focused on your goals and lean on trusted friends or professionals for support.
Tip: If you’re dealing with these behavioral disparities, consider keeping a journal. Documenting their actions can help you stay grounded and provide valuable evidence if needed.
Recognizing Manipulative Tactics Of A Covert Narcissist During Divorce
Behavioral Inconsistencies That Reveal Truth
Momentary Slips Of The Mask During Stress Points
Stress has a way of revealing someone’s true character, and covert narcissists are no exception. While they may appear calm and composed, moments of high tension—like during custody disputes or financial negotiations—can cause their carefully crafted facade to crack. You might notice sudden outbursts, passive-aggressive comments, or even subtle threats. These moments aren’t random; they’re glimpses into their true nature.
For example, one person shared how her ex-husband, a covert narcissist, seemed supportive during their divorce until she voiced a criticism. His reaction? He declared war on her, using every opportunity to undermine her emotionally and socially. This kind of behavior often stems from their inability to handle perceived rejection or loss of control. If you notice these slips, trust your instincts. They’re not accidents—they’re red flags.
“I let him pick a counselor, thinking it might help. Turns out, he had spent weeks finding someone who would side with him. Behind my back, he told everyone I was mentally ill. That night, I left him.”
— A real-life account of dealing with a covert narcissist during divorce.
Inconsistent Behavior Patterns Across Different Settings
Have you ever felt like your ex is two completely different people? Maybe they’re charming and cooperative in public but cold and manipulative in private. This inconsistency is a hallmark of covert narcissism. They tailor their behavior to fit the audience, ensuring they always come out looking like the “good guy.”
For instance, during mediation, they might agree to terms that seem fair, only to later twist the narrative when speaking to friends or family. This duality can leave you questioning your own reality. But remember, their public persona is just that—a performance. Documenting their behavior across different settings can help you stay grounded and provide clarity when things feel confusing.
Gaslighting Through Kindness
Creating Self-Doubt Through Unpredictable Warmth
One of the most disorienting tactics covert narcissists use is gaslighting through kindness. They’ll alternate between warmth and coldness, leaving you unsure of where you stand. One day, they might shower you with compliments or agree to your requests. The next, they’ll withdraw or subtly criticize you. This unpredictability isn’t accidental—it’s designed to make you doubt yourself.
Psychologists have found that covert narcissists often use emotional manipulation to maintain control. By being nice one moment and distant the next, they keep you emotionally off-balance. You might start questioning your own perceptions, wondering if you’re overreacting or imagining things. This self-doubt can make it harder to stand your ground during the divorce process.
Fostering Cognitive Dissonance In The Partner
Cognitive dissonance occurs when your beliefs and experiences don’t align, creating mental discomfort. Covert narcissists exploit this by mixing kind gestures with manipulative behavior. For example, they might reminisce about happy times in your relationship while simultaneously undermining your confidence. This creates a confusing emotional push-and-pull that can leave you feeling stuck.
You might think, “Maybe they’re not so bad,” or “What if I’m the problem?” These thoughts are exactly what they want. By fostering cognitive dissonance, they make it harder for you to move forward. Recognizing this tactic is the first step to breaking free. Stay focused on their actions, not their words, and lean on trusted friends or professionals for support.
Did you know?
Covert narcissists often use gaslighting, blame-shifting, and emotional manipulation to maintain control during divorce. They may even feign illness or threaten self-harm to elicit sympathy.
Hidden Motives Behind The Covert Narcissist’s Sudden Pleasantness
Tactical Manipulation For Personal Gain
Creating False Perceptions For Legal Advantage
When a covert narcissist suddenly acts nice during divorce, it’s often a calculated move to gain the upper hand legally. They know how to play the part of the “reasonable” ex, especially in front of mediators, lawyers, or judges. This isn’t about fairness—it’s about creating a false narrative that paints them as cooperative and you as the difficult one.
For example, they might agree to a custody arrangement in public but subtly undermine it later. Or they could use your children as pawns, pretending to prioritize their well-being while actually manipulating them to gain sympathy. Some even exploit legal loopholes or engage in smear campaigns to discredit you. These tactics aren’t random; they’re designed to make you doubt yourself and weaken your position.
Narcissists often twist legal rules to suit their goals.
They may use ceaseless litigation or misinformation to wear you down.
Emotional manipulation, like guilt-tripping, is a common tool in their arsenal.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re fighting a battle you can’t win, you’re not alone. Recognizing these behaviors can help you stay focused and protect your rights.
Minimizing Financial Consequences Through Amicability
A covert narcissist’s sudden kindness often hides financial motives. They might act agreeable during property division to avoid deeper scrutiny of their assets. For instance, they could insist on a “quick and fair” settlement, hoping you won’t dig into hidden accounts or undervalued properties.
In my experience, I’ve seen clients discover significant financial discrepancies after their ex pushed for an amicable resolution. One client found out her ex had transferred funds to a secret account while pretending to cooperate. This kind of manipulation is common because it allows them to protect their financial interests while appearing generous.
Pro Tip: Always consult a financial expert during divorce proceedings. Even if they seem cooperative, double-check everything.
Fear-Driven Nice Behaviors
Concerns About Losing Financial Resources
Money is often a covert narcissist’s lifeline. The thought of losing financial resources can drive them to act nice, but don’t mistake this for genuine goodwill. They might offer to split expenses or agree to temporary support, but it’s usually a ploy to maintain control over the situation.
Their fear of financial loss isn’t just about money—it’s about power. Financial stability gives them leverage, and losing it feels like losing control. This fear can make them act overly accommodating, but it’s important to stay cautious. Their kindness often comes with strings attached.
Anxiety About Diminishing Power And Control
Control is everything to a covert narcissist. Divorce threatens their ability to dictate the terms of your relationship, and this loss of power can trigger anxiety. To counter this, they might act pleasant, hoping to keep you emotionally tethered. They may reminisce about the “good times” or promise to make things easier, but these gestures are rarely genuine.
This behavior often stems from their deep-seated fear of being exposed. If they lose control, they risk others seeing their true nature. Acting nice becomes their way of holding onto power while keeping their image intact. Don’t let their charm fool you—it’s just another tool in their manipulation toolbox.
Reminder: Their kindness isn’t about you. It’s about them. Stay focused on your goals and don’t let their behavior derail you.
Psychological Weapons Of Covert Kindness In Divorce
Emotional Destabilization Tactics
Exploiting Empathy And Trust During Negotiations
Have you ever felt like your ex is using your kindness against you? Covert narcissists are experts at exploiting empathy, especially during divorce negotiations. They know how to tug at your heartstrings, making you feel guilty for standing your ground. For instance, they might say things like, “I just want what’s best for the kids,” while subtly pressuring you to agree to their terms. This isn’t about compromise—it’s about control.
Dr. George Simon, a renowned psychologist, explains that covert aggressors thrive by instilling self-doubt. They use vague or misleading statements to make you question your decisions. You might find yourself thinking, “Am I being too harsh?” or “Maybe I should give in to keep the peace.” This emotional manipulation keeps you on the defensive, making it harder to advocate for yourself.
Covert narcissists also alternate between hostility and cooperation, creating emotional whiplash. One moment, they’re agreeable; the next, they’re cold or dismissive. This back-and-forth destabilizes your emotions, leaving you confused and more likely to concede. If you’ve noticed this pattern, remind yourself: their kindness is a tactic, not a truce.
Strategic Reminiscing About Positive Relationship Memories
Does your ex ever bring up the “good old days” during tough conversations? This isn’t nostalgia—it’s strategy. Covert narcissists often use positive memories to soften your resolve. They might say, “Remember how happy we were when we bought our first house?” or “We’ve been through so much together.” These comments are designed to make you second-guess your decisions.
This tactic creates cognitive dissonance, a psychological state where your beliefs and experiences clash. You might think, “Maybe they’re not so bad,” or “What if I’m making a mistake?” This inner conflict can make it harder to stay focused on your goals. As a therapist, I’ve seen clients fall into this trap, only to regret it later when the narcissist’s true intentions became clear.
Tip: When they bring up the past, redirect the conversation to the present. Focus on facts, not feelings. This can help you stay grounded and avoid getting swept up in their emotional games.
Subtle Hoovering Techniques
Creating False Hope For Reconciliation
Have you ever wondered if your ex’s sudden kindness means they want to reconcile? This is a classic hoovering tactic. Covert narcissists use false hope to keep you emotionally tethered. They might say things like, “I still care about you,” or “Maybe we can work things out after the divorce.” These statements aren’t about rekindling the relationship—they’re about keeping you under their influence.
This tactic can be especially confusing if you still have lingering feelings for them. You might start to question whether the divorce is the right choice. But remember, their actions often contradict their words. If they truly wanted to reconcile, their behavior would reflect genuine change, not manipulation.
Did you know? Covert narcissists often use hoovering to regain control after a breakup. It’s named after the vacuum cleaner brand because it “sucks” you back into their orbit.
Undermining Resolve Through Apparent Reasonableness
Have you ever felt like your ex’s “reasonableness” is making you second-guess yourself? Covert narcissists excel at appearing calm and cooperative, especially when they sense you’re ready to move on. This apparent reasonableness can make you feel like the difficult one, even when you’re simply standing up for yourself.
For example, they might agree to a custody arrangement in public but subtly undermine it in private. Or they could offer to split assets fairly, only to delay providing financial documents. These actions are designed to wear you down, making you more likely to settle for less than you deserve.
In my experience, clients often describe feeling exhausted by this constant push-and-pull. One client shared how her ex would agree to everything during mediation, only to backtrack later. This left her feeling like she was the unreasonable one, even though she wasn’t. If this sounds familiar, trust your instincts. Their reasonableness is often a facade.
Reminder: Stay firm in your boundaries. Document everything, and don’t let their charm distract you from your goals. You deserve a fair outcome, no matter how “nice” they seem.
Legal And Financial Manipulation Through Niceness
Asset Protection Strategies
Using Friendliness To Discourage Deep Financial Investigation
Have you ever felt like your ex’s sudden kindness is making you second-guess your instincts? Covert narcissists often use friendliness as a shield to discourage you from digging deeper into financial matters. They might say things like, “Let’s keep this simple,” or “I trust you to handle this fairly.” These statements aren’t about trust—they’re about keeping you from uncovering hidden assets.
This tactic works because it plays on your desire for peace. You might think, “Maybe I don’t need to push too hard,” or “I don’t want to seem confrontational.” But here’s the truth: their charm is often a smokescreen. In my experience, I’ve seen clients discover secret accounts or undervalued properties after their ex insisted on a “quick and fair” settlement. Always consult a financial expert to ensure nothing slips through the cracks.
Charm Offensive To Facilitate Hidden Asset Transfers
Does your ex seem unusually cooperative when discussing finances? That charm might be hiding something. Covert narcissists often use a “charm offensive” to distract you while they move assets out of reach. They might agree to terms quickly or act overly generous, hoping you won’t notice discrepancies.
“A competent attorney can help counter these tactics and any ‘charm offensives’ effectively.”
For example, one client I worked with discovered her ex had transferred funds to a relative’s account while pretending to cooperate during negotiations. This kind of manipulation is common because it allows them to protect their financial interests while appearing agreeable. Don’t let their charm fool you—stay vigilant and double-check everything.
Strategic Positioning With Legal Professionals
Manipulating Mediator Perceptions Through Cooperative Appearance
Have you noticed how your ex seems like the perfect partner during mediation? This isn’t a coincidence. Covert narcissists know how to play the role of the “reasonable” party to sway mediators. They might agree to everything on the surface, only to undermine agreements later. This tactic makes it harder for mediators to see their true intentions.
Here’s the kicker: their cooperative appearance isn’t about compromise—it’s about control. By acting agreeable, they make you look like the difficult one. This can weaken your position and make it harder to advocate for yourself. If you’ve experienced this, document everything and don’t rely on verbal agreements. A paper trail can be your best defense.
Creating Favorable Impressions With Court Officials
Covert narcissists don’t just charm mediators—they also work hard to impress judges and court officials. They might show up looking polished, speak calmly, and act like the ideal ex-spouse. This performance isn’t about fairness; it’s about creating a narrative where they’re the victim or the hero.
Experts provide neutral testimony that can validate concerns in court, enhancing the credibility of claims made by legal professionals.
A Guardian ad Litem (GAL) can testify about manipulative behaviors observed, which supports the legal professional’s arguments.
Psychologists can identify traits of narcissism that may affect parenting, giving judges a basis for intervention orders.
In one case I handled, a client’s ex convinced the judge he was the perfect co-parent, despite evidence to the contrary. It took expert testimony from a psychologist to reveal his manipulative tendencies. If you’re facing this, consider involving professionals who can provide unbiased insights. Their input can make all the difference.
Tip: Don’t let their charm intimidate you. Stay focused on the facts and lean on your legal team for support. You deserve a fair outcome, no matter how convincing their performance seems.
Common Misconceptions About A Covert Narcissist’s Nice Behavior
Misinterpreting The Behavioral Change
The Fallacy That They’ve Changed For The Better
Have you ever thought, “Maybe they’ve finally changed”? It’s a tempting thought, especially when a covert narcissist suddenly acts kind or cooperative during a divorce. But here’s the truth: this shift is rarely genuine. Covert narcissists often give hollow apologies that sound sincere but lack real accountability. They might say, “I’m sorry for everything,” but never specify what they’re apologizing for. This creates the illusion of change without addressing the deeper issues.
Another common tactic is love bombing. After a period of conflict, they might shower you with compliments or small acts of kindness. It feels like affection has returned, but it’s often a calculated move to reset the cycle of emotional dependency. You might find yourself thinking, “Maybe things can go back to how they were.” But this is exactly what they want—to keep you emotionally tethered.
Their unpredictable behavior also plays a role. One day they’re warm and supportive, and the next, they’re distant or critical. This cycle of reward and punishment fosters confusion and dependency, making it harder for you to see their actions for what they are: manipulation. Recognizing these patterns can help you break free from their influence.
Mistaking Tactical Kindness For Genuine Reasonableness
When a covert narcissist acts nice during divorce proceedings, it’s easy to mistake their behavior for genuine reasonableness. They might say things like, “I just want what’s best for everyone,” or agree to terms that seem fair. But this kindness often has strings attached. It’s a tactic to gain your trust and make you lower your guard.
For example, they might agree to a custody arrangement in public but undermine it in private. Or they could act cooperative during property division while hiding assets behind the scenes. Their goal isn’t fairness—it’s control. By appearing reasonable, they make it harder for you to advocate for yourself without looking like the difficult one. Staying cautious and documenting everything can help you avoid falling into this trap.
Communication Manipulation
Veiled Threats Disguised As Helpful Suggestions
Have you ever received a “helpful” suggestion from your ex that left you feeling uneasy? Covert narcissists excel at disguising threats as advice. They might say, “You should really think about settling quickly—it’ll be better for the kids,” or, “If you push too hard, things could get messy.” On the surface, these comments seem harmless, even considerate. But underneath, they’re designed to pressure you into compliance.
High-conflict personalities often use adversarial communication styles to gain the upper hand. In divorce negotiations, this can escalate tensions and make you question your decisions. Reviewing correspondence carefully and consulting with your attorney can help you spot these veiled threats. Remember, their words are often calculated to manipulate, not to help.
Selective Information Sharing Behind Friendly Facade
Covert narcissists are masters of selective information sharing. They’ll present just enough facts to appear transparent while withholding critical details. For instance, they might provide financial documents that seem complete but omit key accounts or transactions. This tactic creates a false sense of trust, making you less likely to dig deeper.
In my experience, I’ve seen clients discover hidden assets only after insisting on a thorough investigation. One client shared how her ex acted overly cooperative during negotiations, only for her attorney to uncover a secret bank account. This kind of manipulation isn’t accidental—it’s a deliberate strategy to protect their interests while appearing agreeable. Always verify the information they provide, no matter how friendly they seem.
Tip: Trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. Double-check everything, and don’t hesitate to ask for professional help.
Conclusion
Covert Narcissist Being Nice During Divorce isn’t about kindness—it’s about control. Their pleasant behavior often masks manipulation, whether it’s to sway public opinion, gain legal advantages, or keep you emotionally tethered. Recognizing these tactics is your first step toward protecting yourself.
Stay emotionally detached. Set firm boundaries. Seek professional support when needed. These steps can help you navigate the divorce process with clarity and confidence. Their charm may feel convincing, but remember—it’s rarely genuine. Prioritize your well-being and trust your instincts. You’ve got this.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What is a covert narcissist, and how are they different from other narcissists?
A covert narcissist is someone who craves admiration but hides it behind a facade of humility or sensitivity. Unlike overt narcissists, they don’t openly brag or dominate. Instead, they manipulate subtly, often using guilt or passive-aggressiveness to control others. Sound familiar?
Why do covert narcissists act nice during a divorce?
It’s all about strategy. They act nice to protect their image, manipulate outcomes, or maintain control. For example, they might charm mediators or judges to appear cooperative. But don’t be fooled—this kindness often hides ulterior motives.
How can I tell if their kindness is genuine?
Pay attention to consistency. Genuine kindness doesn’t flip-flop based on who’s watching. If they’re sweet in public but critical or manipulative in private, it’s likely a tactic. Trust your instincts and document their behavior.
Can a covert narcissist change during a divorce?
Change is rare without deep self-awareness and therapy. Acting nice during a divorce isn’t a sign of growth—it’s a calculated move. If you’re hoping they’ve changed, look for consistent actions, not just words.
How do I protect myself from their manipulative tactics?
Set firm boundaries and stick to them. Document everything—texts, emails, agreements. Consult professionals like therapists or attorneys who understand narcissistic behavior. Staying emotionally detached can also help you see through their games.
Why do they act differently in public versus private?
Covert narcissists care deeply about their image. In public, they’ll act charming and reasonable to gain sympathy or support. Behind closed doors, their true manipulative nature often emerges. This duality is a hallmark of their behavior.
What should I do if they’re using the kids to manipulate me?
Stay calm and focus on what’s best for your children. Document any manipulative behavior and share it with your attorney. A therapist specializing in family dynamics can also help you navigate this tricky situation.
Can therapy help me deal with a covert narcissist during divorce?
Absolutely. Therapy can provide tools to manage stress, set boundaries, and rebuild your confidence. A therapist experienced in narcissistic abuse can offer insights into their behavior and help you stay grounded.