Last updated on August 22nd, 2024 at 12:06 am

• Understanding Narcissistic Relationships
• The Cycle of Abuse
• Common Narcissistic Abuse Tactics
• Signs Your Friend is in a Narcissistic Relationship
• How to Support Your Friend
• Listen Without Judgment
• Educate Yourself on Narcissistic Abuse
• Validate Their Experiences
• Avoid Criticizing Their Partner Directly
• Help Them Reconnect With Their Sense of Self
• Provide Resources on Narcissistic Abuse
• Encourage Professional Help
• Be Patient With Their Process
• What Not to Do
• Don’t Criticize or Blame Your Friend
• Don’t Try to Force Them to Leave
• Don’t Engage With the Narcissist Directly
• Don’t Expect Quick Results
• Safety Planning
• When to Seek Outside Help
• Helping Your Friend Heal
• Validate the Trauma They Experienced
• Help Them Rebuild Self-Esteem
• Encourage No Contact
• Be Patient With Mood Swings
• Help Them Reclaim Their Identity
• Educate Them on Healthy Relationships
• Be Prepared for Moments of Doubt
• Suggest Trauma-Focused Therapy
• Help Them Set Boundaries
• Be Patient With the Healing Process
• Long-Term Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
• Complex PTSD
• Codependency
• Trust Issues
• Anxiety and Depression
• Low Self-Esteem
• Hypervigilance
• Dealing with Flying Monkeys
• Handling Hoovering Attempts
• Recognizing and Resisting Narcissistic Guilt Trips
• Understanding DARVO
• Dealing with Trauma Bonding
• Recognizing Emotional Abuse
• Helping Your Friend Recover Their Identity
• The Importance of Self-Care in Recovery
• Rebuilding Trust in Relationships
• The Role of Forgiveness in Healing
• Celebrating Progress and Milestones
• Preparing for Future Relationships
• The Ongoing Journey of Healing

It hurts to see someone you care about trapped in a toxic relationship. When your friend is with a narcissist, you may feel helpless as you watch their spirit fade. But there are ways you can offer support and empower your friend to break free. This guide will walk you through how to help a friend dealing with narcissistic abuse.

Understanding Narcissistic Relationships

Before you can help, it’s important to understand what your friend is going through. Narcissistic abuse in relationships follows a distinct pattern:

The Cycle of Abuse

Narcissistic relationships often follow a cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard:

1. Idealization: At first, the narcissist showers your friend with praise and attention. They seem perfect.
2. Devaluation: Soon, the narcissist starts to criticize and put down your friend. Their self-esteem takes a hit.
3. Discard: The narcissist may leave suddenly or threaten to leave. This keeps your friend scared and desperate to please them.

This cycle repeats over and over, wearing down your friend’s sense of self-worth.

Common Narcissistic Abuse Tactics

Narcissists use many sneaky tricks to control their partners. Some common ones are:

• Gaslighting: Making your friend doubt their own memory and sanity
• Love bombing: Overwhelming your friend with affection to manipulate them
• Triangulation: Playing people against each other to cause drama
• Silent treatment: Ignoring your friend to punish them
• Guilt trips: Making your friend feel bad for not meeting impossible standards

Recognizing these manipulation tactics is key to helping your friend see the abuse.

Signs Your Friend is in a Narcissistic Relationship

How can you tell if your friend is dealing with a narcissist? Look for these red flags:

• They seem anxious, depressed, or withdrawn
• Their partner puts them down or criticizes them often
• They’ve lost interest in hobbies and friends
• They make excuses for their partner’s bad behavior
• They’ve changed their appearance or personality to please their partner
• Their partner is controlling or jealous
• They walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting their partner

If you notice several of these signs of narcissistic abuse, your friend may need help.

How to Support Your Friend

Helping someone in a narcissistic relationship takes patience and care. Here are some ways to offer support:

Listen Without Judgment

One of the most powerful things you can do is simply listen. Let your friend talk about their experiences without judging or criticizing. Validate their feelings and show you believe them.

Try saying things like:

• “That sounds really hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
• “It makes sense that you feel that way.”
• “I believe you. This isn’t your fault.”

Your friend may be used to having their feelings dismissed. Your caring ear can mean the world.

Educate Yourself on Narcissistic Abuse

To truly help, learn all you can about narcissistic personality disorder and abuse. Read books, articles, and forums to understand what your friend is dealing with.

Some good resources:

• The Narcissistic Personality Disorder Handbook
• “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft
• “Psychopath Free” by Jackson MacKenzie

The more you know, the better equipped you’ll be to offer support.

Validate Their Experiences

Narcissists are masters at making their victims doubt themselves. Your friend may struggle to trust their own perceptions. Gently validate that what they’re experiencing is real and not okay.

You might say:

• “What you’re describing sounds like emotional abuse.”
• “It’s not normal or healthy for a partner to treat you that way.”
• “You don’t deserve to be talked to like that.”

Be careful not to push too hard. Your friend may not be ready to see the relationship as abusive yet.

Avoid Criticizing Their Partner Directly

It’s tempting to bash your friend’s narcissistic partner. But this can backfire and make your friend defensive. Instead, focus on the harmful behaviors without attacking the person.

For example:

• Instead of “Your boyfriend is a jerk,” try “The way he talks to you sounds really hurtful.”
• Instead of “You need to dump that loser,” try “You deserve to be treated with respect in a relationship.”

Let your friend come to their own conclusions about their partner.

Help Them Reconnect With Their Sense of Self

Narcissistic abuse chips away at a person’s identity. Help your friend rediscover who they are outside the relationship. Encourage them to:

• Revive old hobbies and interests
• Spend time with other friends and family
• Practice self-care and nurture their health
• Set small goals to build confidence
• Journal to process their feelings

Remind them of their strengths and good qualities. The narcissist has likely been tearing them down.

Provide Resources on Narcissistic Abuse

Share helpful books, articles, and videos about narcissistic relationships. But let your friend choose whether to engage with them. Some good options:

• The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Toolkit
• “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare” by Shahida Arabi
• YouTube channels like Doctor Ramani and Surviving Narcissism

Having information can help your friend make sense of their experiences.

Encourage Professional Help

Gently suggest your friend talk to a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse. Offer to help them find one or go with them to the first appointment.

Therapy can help your friend:

• Process trauma from the relationship
• Rebuild self-esteem and boundaries
• Learn to spot red flags in future relationships
• Develop coping skills for anxiety and depression

Be Patient With Their Process

Leaving a narcissist is rarely quick or simple. Your friend may go back multiple times before leaving for good. Try not to get frustrated or give up on them.

Instead:

• Let them know you’ll be there no matter what
• Celebrate small steps toward independence
• Avoid pressuring them to leave before they’re ready
• Respect their choices, even if you disagree

What Not to Do

When trying to help, avoid these common mistakes:

Don’t Criticize or Blame Your Friend

It’s easy to get frustrated and wonder “Why don’t they just leave?” But blame and criticism only push your friend away. Remember, the narcissist has likely already destroyed their self-esteem.

Instead, focus on building them up and empowering them to make their own choices.

Don’t Try to Force Them to Leave

Pushing your friend to leave before they’re ready can backfire. They may get defensive and pull away from you. The narcissist could use it to paint you as the enemy.

Let your friend come to the decision on their own time. Just be there to support them when they’re ready.

Don’t Engage With the Narcissist Directly

Confronting your friend’s partner yourself is usually a bad idea. The narcissist may:

• Turn it around to make you look like the bad guy
• Use it as an excuse to further isolate your friend
• Escalate their abusive behavior

Focus on supporting your friend rather than trying to “fix” the narcissist.

Don’t Expect Quick Results

Helping someone leave a narcissist takes time and patience. Your friend may defend their partner or go back multiple times. Try not to get discouraged.

Keep showing up with steady support. Small steps add up over time.

Safety Planning

If your friend is ready to leave, help them make a safety plan. Leaving can be the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship.

Some key steps:

• Gather important documents like ID, birth certificate, bank info
• Pack an emergency bag with essentials
• Save money in a separate account if possible
• Change passwords and PIN numbers
• Plan a safe place to go
• Know the number for local domestic violence services

Offer to keep copies of important items at your place. Help them think through different scenarios to stay safe.

When to Seek Outside Help

Sometimes a situation may be too serious to handle alone. Consider reaching out if:

• Your friend is in physical danger
• There are children involved who may be at risk
• Your friend is severely depressed or suicidal
• The abuse is escalating rapidly
• You feel overwhelmed or unsafe yourself

Contact a domestic violence hotline or therapist for guidance. In emergencies, don’t hesitate to call 911.

Helping Your Friend Heal

Once your friend leaves the narcissist, they’ll need support to recover. The effects of narcissistic abuse can linger long after the relationship ends. Here are some ways to help your friend heal:

Validate the Trauma They Experienced

Narcissistic abuse can cause PTSD. Your friend may struggle with anxiety, depression, and trust issues. Let them know their feelings are normal responses to abuse. Avoid downplaying what they went through or telling them to “just get over it.”

Help Them Rebuild Self-Esteem

Narcissists tear down their partner’s sense of self-worth. Help your friend rediscover their value:

• Point out their strengths and good qualities
• Encourage positive self-talk
• Celebrate their accomplishments, big and small
• Remind them they deserve love and respect

It may take time, but with support, they can feel good about themselves again.

Encourage No Contact

Many narcissists try to worm their way back into their ex’s life. Encourage your friend to cut off all contact if possible. This means:

• Blocking phone numbers and social media
• Not responding to messages
• Avoiding places the narcissist might be
• Having a plan for what to do if they show up unexpectedly

No contact allows your friend to break the trauma bond and start healing.

Be Patient With Mood Swings

Your friend may have good days and bad days as they process the relationship. One day they might seem fine, the next they’re an emotional wreck. This is normal.

Try not to take it personally if they lash out or withdraw sometimes. Keep showing up with steady support.

Help Them Reclaim Their Identity

Narcissists often force their partners to give up hobbies, friends, and parts of themselves. Encourage your friend to rediscover who they are:

• Try new activities together
• Help them reconnect with old friends
• Remind them of goals and dreams they used to have
• Point out personality traits you’ve always loved about them

Bit by bit, they can rebuild their sense of self outside the narcissist’s influence.

Educate Them on Healthy Relationships

After being with a narcissist, your friend may struggle to recognize what a good relationship looks like. Help them learn about:

• Healthy boundaries
• Mutual respect and support
• Open, honest communication
• Emotional safety and trust

Understanding the difference between real love and love bombing can protect them from future toxic relationships.

Be Prepared for Moments of Doubt

It’s common for abuse survivors to miss their ex or want to go back. If this happens:

• Listen without judgment
• Gently remind them of the reality of the abuse
• Review their reasons for leaving
• Encourage them to talk to their therapist
• Distract them with an activity if needed

Suggest Trauma-Focused Therapy

Treatments like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can help heal the effects of narcissistic abuse. Encourage your friend to find a therapist trained in trauma work.

Help Them Set Boundaries

After being with a narcissist, your friend may struggle with boundaries. Help them practice:

• Saying no to things they don’t want to do
• Expressing their needs clearly
• Not taking responsibility for others’ feelings
• Respecting their own time and energy

Learning to set and keep healthy boundaries is key to avoiding future toxic relationships.

Be Patient With the Healing Process

Recovery from narcissistic abuse doesn’t happen overnight. Your friend may have setbacks or moments of missing their ex. Resist the urge to rush them or get frustrated.

Instead, celebrate small victories. Remind them how far they’ve come. With time and support, they can fully heal and thrive.

Long-Term Effects of Narcissistic Abuse

Even after leaving, your friend may struggle with lasting effects of the abuse. Understanding these long-term impacts can help you support them better. Some common issues include:

Complex PTSD

Unlike PTSD from a single traumatic event, complex PTSD comes from ongoing trauma like narcissistic abuse. Signs include:

• Flashbacks or nightmares about the abuse
• Feeling detached from others or emotions
• Difficulty regulating emotions
• Negative self-image
• Problems with relationships and trust

Therapy and support can help manage these symptoms over time.

Codependency

Many victims of narcissistic abuse develop codependent traits. This means:

• Putting others’ needs before their own
• Poor boundaries
• Low self-esteem
• Fear of abandonment
• Difficulty making decisions

Breaking free from codependency is an important part of healing.

Trust Issues

After being manipulated and lied to, your friend may struggle to trust others. They might:

• Be overly suspicious of people’s motives
• Have trouble opening up emotionally
• Expect the worst in relationships
• Push people away to avoid getting hurt

Patience and consistently showing up can help rebuild their ability to trust.

Anxiety and Depression

The constant stress of narcissistic abuse often leads to anxiety and depression. Your friend may deal with:

• Excessive worry or fear
• Panic attacks
• Low energy and motivation
• Feelings of hopelessness
• Sleep problems

Encourage them to talk to a doctor or therapist about treatment options.

Low Self-Esteem

Narcissists tear down their partner’s self-worth. Your friend might struggle with:

• Negative self-talk
• Feeling unlovable or worthless
• Difficulty accepting compliments
• People-pleasing behaviors
• Avoiding challenges for fear of failure

Building back self-esteem takes time. Offer genuine praise and encouragement often.

Hypervigilance

Always being on guard against abuse can lead to hypervigilance. Signs include:

• Being easily startled
• Constantly scanning for threats
• Difficulty relaxing
• Trouble sleeping
• Physical symptoms like muscle tension

Grounding techniques and mindfulness can help manage this over time.

Dealing with Flying Monkeys

“Flying monkeys” are people the narcissist recruits to harass or manipulate their ex. These might be family members, mutual friends, or even strangers. Help your friend deal with flying monkeys by:

• Encouraging them to block contact
• Reminding them not to engage or defend themselves
• Helping them set firm boundaries
• Validating their experiences if others try to gaslight them
• Offering a safe space away from the drama

With time, most flying monkeys lose interest and move on.

Handling Hoovering Attempts

Help your friend resist these hoovering tactics by:

• Reminding them of why they left in the first place
• Encouraging them to maintain no contact
• Helping them recognize empty promises
• Supporting them through moments of weakness
• Distracting them with positive activities when urges to reconnect arise

Remember, hoovering is just another form of manipulation. The narcissist hasn’t truly changed.

Recognizing and Resisting Narcissistic Guilt Trips

Guilt is a powerful tool narcissists use to control others. Even after the relationship ends, they may try to guilt your friend into doing what they want. Learning to spot and stop these guilt trips is crucial for recovery.

Some common guilt tactics include:

• Playing the victim
• Bringing up past favors or sacrifices
• Using children or family as leverage
• Claiming no one else will ever love them
• Threatening self-harm

Help your friend resist by:

• Validating their right to set boundaries
• Reminding them they’re not responsible for the narcissist’s feelings
• Encouraging them to trust their own judgment
• Practicing responses to guilt-inducing statements
• Reinforcing that prioritizing their own well-being isn’t selfish

With time and practice, your friend can become immune to these manipulation attempts.

Understanding DARVO

DARVO stands for “Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.” It’s a common tactic narcissists use to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Recognizing DARVO can help your friend stay grounded in reality.

Here’s how it works:

1. Deny: The narcissist denies doing anything wrong
2. Attack: They attack the person confronting them
3. Reverse Victim and Offender: They paint themselves as the real victim

For example, if your friend confronts their ex about cheating, the narcissist might say:
“I never cheated! How dare you accuse me? You’re the one who’s always so jealous and controlling. You’re abusing me with these false accusations!”

Help your friend by:

• Validating their experiences and memories
• Pointing out DARVO when you see it happening
• Encouraging them to trust their own perceptions
• Reminding them that they don’t need the narcissist’s agreement to know their truth

Understanding DARVO can prevent your friend from getting sucked back into the narcissist’s reality distortion field.

Dealing with Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding is a strong emotional attachment formed through cycles of abuse and reconciliation. It’s one reason why leaving a narcissist is so hard. Signs of trauma bonding include:

• Defending the abuser’s actions
• Feeling responsible for the abuser’s happiness
• Difficulty imagining life without the abuser
• Intense longing for the “good times”
• Making excuses for staying in the relationship

To help your friend break a trauma bond:

• Educate them about the cycle of abuse
• Encourage them to keep a journal of negative experiences
• Help them focus on building self-esteem and independence
• Suggest trauma-focused therapy
• Be patient and supportive through relapses

Breaking a trauma bond takes time, but with consistent support, it’s possible.

Recognizing Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse can be subtle and hard to spot, especially for someone in the thick of it. Learning to identify signs of emotional abuse can help your friend recognize what they’ve been through. Some signs include:

• Constant criticism and put-downs
• Gaslighting and reality distortion
• Using love as a weapon (withholding affection as punishment)
• Explosive anger or mood swings
• Controlling behavior disguised as care
• Silent treatment or emotional withdrawal
• Making threats or ultimatums
• Invalidating feelings and experiences

Help your friend by:

• Pointing out abusive behaviors when you see them
• Validating their feelings and experiences
• Encouraging them to trust their own perceptions
• Reminding them that they deserve respect and kindness
• Supporting them in setting boundaries

Remember, emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse, even if it doesn’t leave visible scars.

Helping Your Friend Recover Their Identity

Narcissistic abuse often involves the erosion of the victim’s sense of self. As your friend recovers, they may struggle to know who they are without the narcissist. Here are some ways to help:

• Remind them of their strengths and positive qualities
• Encourage them to revisit old hobbies and interests
• Support them in trying new things and setting personal goals
• Help them reconnect with friends and family they may have lost touch with
• Encourage journaling or art as a way to explore their feelings and desires
• Remind them that it’s okay to not have all the answers right away

Rebuilding identity takes time, but with support, your friend can rediscover their authentic self.

The Importance of Self-Care in Recovery

Self-care is crucial for healing from narcissistic abuse. Many survivors struggle with putting themselves first after years of catering to the narcissist’s needs. Encourage your friend to prioritize self-care by:

• Setting aside time each day for relaxation or enjoyable activities
• Practicing mindfulness or meditation to manage stress
• Maintaining a healthy diet and exercise routine
• Getting enough sleep and rest
• Saying no to obligations that feel overwhelming
• Seeking medical care for any health issues they’ve been neglecting
• Engaging in creative outlets like art, music, or writing

Remind your friend that taking care of themselves isn’t selfish – it’s necessary for healing.

Rebuilding Trust in Relationships

After narcissistic abuse, your friend may struggle to trust others or form healthy relationships. Here are some ways to support them:

• Be consistently reliable and honest in your own interactions
• Encourage them to take things slow in new relationships
• Help them identify healthy relationship behaviors
• Support them in setting and maintaining boundaries
• Remind them that it’s okay to be cautious and take time to trust
• Encourage open communication about fears and concerns
• Suggest relationship counseling if they’re ready for a new partnership

With time and positive experiences, your friend can learn to trust and connect again.

The Role of Forgiveness in Healing

The topic of forgiveness often comes up in recovery from narcissistic abuse. It’s important to understand that forgiveness doesn’t mean:

• Excusing the abusive behavior
• Letting the narcissist back into their life
• Forgetting what happened
• Reconciling with the abuser

Instead, forgiveness in this context is about:

• Releasing the hold the narcissist has on their emotions
• Choosing to move forward with their life
• Letting go of the desire for revenge
• Finding peace within themselves

Encourage your friend to forgive at their own pace, if and when they’re ready. It’s a personal decision that shouldn’t be forced.

Celebrating Progress and Milestones

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is a journey with many small victories along the way. Help your friend recognize and celebrate their progress:

• Acknowledge when they set and maintain a boundary
• Celebrate days, weeks, or months of no contact
• Recognize improvements in their mood or self-esteem
• Applaud new skills or hobbies they’ve developed
• Highlight moments when they trust their own judgment
• Praise them for seeking help or attending therapy

These celebrations reinforce positive changes and boost motivation to continue healing.

Preparing for Future Relationships

As your friend heals, they may want to pursue new relationships. Help them prepare by:

• Discussing healthy relationship traits and red flags
• Encouraging them to maintain their independence and interests
• Supporting them in setting clear boundaries from the start
• Reminding them to trust their instincts if something feels off
• Suggesting they take things slow and really get to know potential partners
• Helping them create a list of non-negotiables for future relationships

With awareness and preparation, your friend can build healthier, more fulfilling partnerships in the future.

The Ongoing Journey of Healing

Recovery from narcissistic abuse isn’t a linear process. There will be ups and downs, steps forward and occasional steps back. Remind your friend that this is normal and expected.

Some key points to remember:

• Healing takes time – there’s no set timeline
• Setbacks don’t erase progress
• It’s okay to have mixed feelings about the relationship and the narcissist
• Recovery looks different for everyone
• Seeking ongoing support (therapy, support groups, etc.) is a sign of strength

Your consistent presence and support can make a world of difference in your friend’s healing journey.

In conclusion, helping a friend recover from narcissistic abuse is a challenging but rewarding process. By educating yourself, offering consistent support, and encouraging professional help, you can play a crucial role in your friend’s healing journey. Remember to take care of yourself too, and celebrate every step of progress along the way. With time, patience, and support, your friend can move past the abuse and build a happier, healthier life.